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I tend to overthink a lot and therefore wish to not make this one of those times. However, after some very big life changing events, I have come to find that one of the things that I really need to anchor me into life is an aligned place of work. Specifically, I feel that I need a place where I can really weave into a social fabric. For example, I used to work at a gym when I was younger. After time, I came to know all of the regulars and really felt like I was at home. Now that such a place has been missing in my life for some time, I have realized just how important it is for my system. At the end of the day, I like engaging in deeper socialization and relationship building. I’m sensitive, but I’m also relatively mature for my age (22). Take that with a grain of salt obviously. Starting too young, I dug into a bunch of philosophy and spirituality and somewhere along the way, got caught in the exact trap I was trying to avoid with it. Long story short, I had a nervous system breakdown which was the result of a “dam” building for months, if not years. That was some months ago now. I’m still rebuilding. I have had a job since then. It was at a cafe, however, it ended up being too overwhelming and fast paced for my system. I was let go and felt relieved about that. I have learned enough to know that what I need at this point in my life is that social hub I just talked about with the gym. Doesn’t have to be perfect. I know how problematic chasing that pot of gold is. But I DO need a place that I am aligned with. My pickiness is truly a thing, and though I tend to be resilient and moldable, I ultimately work best in a place that is aligned instead of just settling for somewhere that is enough. What I’m doing at said place doesn’t concern me as much as how I’m doing it, where, and with whom. I want to be around people like myself in a way. I’d really love to make friends and open myself to the ability of intimate connections. Again, a social web that is more than just casual and not stale with only the same people. I am at a point in life where those things are at the forefront of my desires. Not going after them is just foolish to me. Not that I’m even chasing, it is just a system necessity. So, yeah. Basically, what places of work would you recommend? I’m not looking for any spiritual advice or anything. I have no interest in that at this time. If you have further questions that’d help extract further direction, feel free to ask. I will mention that I’m definitely one who tends to latch onto others for self-authority. It feels very comfortable for me to try and outsource my self to someone or something that feels “higher” up than I am in whatever way that might mean. Health, relationships, money, etc... I suffered with this problem big time watching a lot of Leo’s videos late into my high school years. Yes, I did benefit in some fundamental ways from watching his content. However, I also, at some point, allowed indoctrination to set in. A big part of that came from listening to what he had to say, digesting it, but not actually acting on it. Indoctrination is a strong word. I'm not accusing. What I'm saying is that I came to develop a subtle, quiet, but very strong mental framework of beliefs, ideas, visions, etc... A lot of that came from Leo's content, because I held it as THE highest content. Now? I’m dealing with the fallout of those mental frameworks. However, unlike before, they now no longer apply to me. My system rejects them and I see them for what they are. Simply enough, they just don't fit me. When they appear, it is now a deep rejection instead of a mental cushion. (I mean no offense Leo. I appreciate what your work has done for me. Even the bad.) I only mean to say all of that as context so that I might receive better direction for you, or anyone who wishes to comment. I'm looking for places to work based on my specific desires and needs. That is the real question here. I have ideas and have applied to places, but I’d like outside perspective from people beyond myself, family, and AI. I tried to lay out everything essential here on the table. Again, I’m an open book. I'm willing to discuss most things. Feel free to ask.

@Judy2 The things I am afraid of are very clearly naturally. The fear of missing out, especially with loved ones and the things I want to do. The fear of death and the natural end of things. I hate that. The fear of pain, suffering, mental, physical. This event is part of that. The fear of not living a content life. The fear of not figuring out what to do with my life. The strongest fear right now is that I will never return back to "normal," that I'll always be dealing with this state. It feels like my whole self broke. Does that make any sense? It is so profoundly scary. Perhaps the emotions and such were building under the covers. It seems I don't really properly know how to address them until they break. I have considered getting counseling and therapy, yes. I'm 21 years old right now. I'm a male. I don't know why that is relevant but I feel it is. I've tried therapy before when I was younger and didn't have much "wrong" with me, and it didn't do much, so I stopped it. But right now, and as I let this heal a little longer, I feel it would be a smart thing to do so. It feels the MOST scary alone. I cannot imagine what I would do without people and support. Gosh, it makes me feel like a little child. I don't really consume caffeine, but I will keep that in mind. From what you said, and what I've experienced, I think physical grounding works well for me. The night it first happened to me, I would step to out into the cold or touch the cold window for grounding. I really hate that feeling of being ungrounded. It feels so scary and makes me feel like a spec of nothing. However, I'll check out what you shared. Thank you for the words.

@Deziree It has been tapering off I would say. It is touchy, just like an actual wound. But it is healing, especially with sleep. It's weird how much it relates to a physical wound like a sprained wrist or something. If you're not careful it is easy to fuck it back up. It generally hurts more than usual, things are most sensitive there, etc... Except it's my whole system, emotions, thoughts, all of it. They are so much more stronger and I am so much more sensitive. I do think I will come to understand how to work and live with it. But man... the experience these past few weeks have been something I never thought could exist. It is SO scary and completely sucks. I never wish it would have happened, but it did.

@Hojo What you say isn't much hopeful. Not that it needs to be, but hearing awakening is the only thing that stopped makes my ego that much more scared. I've had much more powerful points of spiritual study and practice in my life. Leading up to this event, it was very little. I can understand that my system needs to be in tune with all of that. It is clear that I need such practices and grounding. But still. I wish to lead life in normal ways too. I want to be able to live in a state where I'm not haunted by these overwhelming feelings that are so new. It is such a potent thing. It really does feel like death sometimes. I see how you relate it to a spiritual slingshot, but I can't say I'm ready for that. Not one bit.

It happened about two and a half weeks ago. I came home from college to visit family, and one night, deep in research about my future, a very unpleasent wave washed over me. My first ever panic / anxiety attack. That wave continued lesser and lesser for the rest of that night. My nervous system had just broke down. It was profoundly scary and unnerving. I didn't want to wake family so I was texting with AI that night, the source which helped me figure out what was going on. Waves of panic, tight chest and harder breathing, genuine fear and dread, feelings of being alone, hypersensitivity emotions, etc... Well, it has been two and a half-ish weeks since. Just two nights ago I re-triggered a small episode by digging into research on myself and stuff. It wasn't as bad as the first one, but it still took me a while to fall asleep and I'm still dealing with very strong emotions, sadness right now, and very vulnerable / sensitive. It seems triggering it easy, and what triggered it was a similar event to the first. Existing deeply in my head and hitting a point of overwhelm where my system had to step in. I should mention that I quit school because of the first event. It was clear that such a school was not for me. I was already planning on it, but instead this experience forced it. Life also opened up a new path for me to follow the night of the event, but it still doesn't feel like sunshine and rainbows. It is so hard moving foward. I'm forced to sit with the healing. It is like an injury I can't rush, and something that I can easily "re-injure" if I push too hard or trigger it. I feel like I should be better by now. I've never had one of this panic attacks before. I feel like my consciousness and spiritual studies would have prevented something like this from happening. I was wrong. Now I feel like my whole life is doomed. It probably isn't, but it feels that way, overwhelmingly sometimes, and it is really hard and scary to sit with. How long does such a healing last? I can't sit and ignore it so I find it very rough. Tonight a deep sadness provoked me to write thisit wasn't even depressive, just a deep sad and alone feeling. Other times I can feel disoriented or genuienly scared on a level I've never felt before. Even though I'm around family and have their support, it can still feel so hard and sad. Is this normal? I feel like the whole notion of who I am broke that night. Not like an ego death, but also kinda like it. I don't know. It's like some sort of illusion just all fell apart. It's just really hard. It makes me feel like a lost and scared child and I just want to be held and guided. Supported. I want to feel like it's going to be okay. I wish my feelings weren't so strong and overwhelming. Any advice would be appreciated, though I'm not necessarily seeking it. Instead I think I'm just seeking company and people to talk with. People who have been through such things or have wisdom and experience. I don't want to dig into the wound and make it worse. I'm looking for help healing. Reaching out. Not in some I'm gonna hurt myself way. No. Just that I need people.

I'm 21. Back in my sophomore year of high school, I encountered my first experience of direct consciousness. Since then, years have passed. I have studied and practiced various spiritual traditions, methods, lineages, etc... It has been the case that in these studies I have become, to some extent, directly aware of that which is death. However, recently, death has come into my life in a completely unpredictable way. Even amidst my current spiritual drought in terms of study and practice, and my rather distasteful circumstances in life, death has made itself very known. ... First it would be that just as I were waking up, I would encounter, without effort, death head on. As in, death and I were staring directly at each other. This is a very shaking experience. It occurred randomly and has stuck almost every morning since. It is extremely profound and I have never experienced the utter mystery that is death so intimately. It is so close in fact, that, in the moment, my whole system feels frozen by sheer profundity and doom. I'm looking at the end of direct experience as I currently know it, and it is the scariest possible thing ever. However, even amidst this great fear, it is also comical. By this, I mean, the realization is so profound that it blows my human state completely out of the water, even if only for a second or two. Everything feels like a big play, and I'm just sat there with death, unknowing of what at all to do with the experience. It's like the human experience is some big joke. It has also began to pop up whenever it wants to in life. I could simply look at a tree or hear a certain song and then, there it is. Death. With it comes the experience of existential dread, horror, confusion, etc... This isn't fun. ... You see, death to me is perhaps the most fearful yet exciting thing I have directly tasted. Because it is the end of all experience as I know it, these realizations can bog down on my life, and cause to me freeze up in a state of deep dread and fear. This is entirely unproductive to all of my desires and aspirations. I do not want to die, but it is inevitable as a self, and this knowledge destroys me. I have no clue how to handle it. The weight of the experience is so heavy, unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and honestly, I would really like some help. So, I've come here to talk about it, preferably with those who have experienced such a thing and have found a way with it. What is going on here? How can I approach and live life regardless of this consistent death experience? Perhaps even integrating it? It doesn't seem to be going away. That is fine, but I can't have it continuously making me depressed and ruining my state, actions, and therefore life. How do I approach such a thing?

@samijiben Knowing what I really want? This is perhaps the most infuriating and crumbling question ever for me, right alongside "What is my absolute purpose?" and other such questions. Their presence and appearance has caused years of suffering and confusion in my still young life. With the combination of a very shaky ego and a bunch of unfinished spiritual work, asking such a question leaves me blank. When I ask it, all that is left is just awareness observing itself. Of course, that is great. But my ego is still strong in certain ways and is not satisfied. And as for its satisfaction? Well, there are simply certain things I feel I NEED to do and will do even if it just because I need the experience to be entirely content. It is a contradictory mix of dissatisfaction and contentment. Putting it into words really sucks and I will not do so further. But my point in this response? Perhaps I just want to inform you of how problematic such a question is to me currently. Instead of asking that and getting stuck in those god-awful mental ruts, surrendering my control and direction to that of the intuitive compass within my chest is what I have begun to do and what I will continue to do. It is the most true and raw thing I have come to know.

@Lyubov Thank you for this response. It goes deep and there is a lot to unpack here. To still respond and answer your questions without getting overwhelmed, I'm going to go through and discuss the points most powerful to me. Now that you mention it, this is indeed tied to an internal belief system I have. Whatever this belief system is or how it came to have structure, I cannot say exactly. However, it is present and does bring pain and suffering into my life, something I struggle with. Why do I believe this whole thing is a problem and what do I believe about myself? Well, right off the bat, I have such a raw and blunt desire for intimacy and sex. Technically, these desires shouldn't be hard to satiate, but for me, they are. Why? My values. I have had a handful of opportunities within the past year where I could have gotten sexual experience or have had developed an intimate and romantic situation with someone. Yet... when things were just about to come to fruition, it's like my inner intuitive gates, guided by my core morals and values, shut the whole thing down. Point in case, I can't cross myself for something I know is foolish and / or low value. It really tests my patience. - - - Perhaps that didn't address your question on belief and the problem. Let me say this. You're right, I do not currently feel good enough. The women who I am ACTUALLY attracted to, I always feel lesser. I never initiate conversation. I feel defeated the second I look at them. This mindset destroys me, but it feels so ingrained. A certain pie section of my value DOES feel affected by my sexual and intimate experience. Since I have been lacking for a while, it makes me feel less. My chest and shoulders feel hollow, my gaze is shy, and I feel both weak and brittle in body and spirit. It is not all the time that this is the case, but when it is, I feel as though a small breeze could blow me away. I don't know why this pattern remains in my life. Perhaps for egoic protection. - - - For your final questions? Well, I am familiar with all the answers. Inside, I know exactly what I need to do to actualize, even if it is foggy. In my life now, I am in the midst of this battle. The sword is in hand, but still... Why should I be coming here and speaking like this?

@samijiben Out of what you said, this point catches me most. I fluctuate between very deeply wanting things and then almost borderline not caring about them. I find this a consistent occurrence in my experience. I wish I could say I REALLY wanted _, but even with the answers that pop up, nothing ever stays in that position for me. It kinda pisses me off because I do wish that I just had one permanent pulling force in my life, something I REALLY wanted. Therefore, well... I don't think I can use such an inconsistent passion as a flame for pursuit. Better yet, I cannot rely on it. - - - @MarkKol Thank you for the thoughtful comment. However, there are two points where I have trouble relating. Firstly, acting like someone I'm not or putting on a facade doesn't sit well for me. I suck at lying and I suck at making things up. I'm kissed up against honesty all the time and that is also how I prefer to act in social settings. It allows me to be present in a state of authenticity which sells itself. If we're relating it to women, this attracts them more (the right ones) than me putting on a sneaky mask. Secondly, my environmental awareness. I've always been extremely aware of my surroundings. Like genuinely. This has manifested in good and bad ways, but it isn't something I can just turn off or redirect completely to one person unless I have been enamored and captured by the gaze of a goddess lol. My life experiences have taught me otherwise about embracing such an ignorance of what is happening around me. However, I do understand what you're saying, and, with the proper set and setting, I can very easily let my guard down and open up to the right people. It's a tricky thing for me is all.

@Raze Thank you for sharing those resources. I'll look into them and see what happens.

@RendHeaven Lol well I don't find this to be too big of a problem myself. I'm afraid to admit my own attractiveness despite what others say, so I won't admit to being ugly or attractive. It appears to be a relative thing from my experience. But what is stopping me? I mean, I'm moving, but it's just slow and I'm still working heavily on developing the proper self-discipline. It's just been a long process so far. I'm not stopped though.

@samijiben I'm actively working on it, but it is bleak and unforgiving, especially so as I work on breaking out of this scaredy-cat nature I developed growing up. My main focus is working on building myself into the being I want to be. I am ambitious and faulter a lot, but there is direction within my chest. My intuition is strong, I am listening to it and trying to act on it despite failure. I am showing up still.

@samijiben I understand the giving aspect. I have done it before, and it is a wonderful thing. However, if I approach it with the mindset of getting something out of it, I will fumble, and fumble hard. I'll want to avoid that to the best of my abilities as such a way of existence sucks. However, there are forms I want to give in and have simply been slacking on as of late. If I invest into these, things will naturally start to click as long as I'm consistent and stay tuned in. As for nothingness and your more advanced points, I'm aware and familiar of them, however, I'm at a stage where I don't feel like embracing them. Not yet. I was more spiritual when I was younger but neglected more egoic and human parts of myself that have needed to live. I face the consequences of that now, and seek to live, even in the face of my own ignorance so that I may be free of regret later.

@Leo Gura What exactly do you mean when you say I alone should be enough to sexually satisfy myself? I feel like in bodily pleasure, a genuine female partner is hard to beat. So, what exactly are you getting at there? And in what form? I know and am familiar with masturbation, but I also know of the existence of breathwork amongst other things which might be worth exploring. Besides that, I understand what you are saying about the work. A good journaling session or several with a focus on what work would be needed for my desires would likely yield a solid direction to begin walking in.

I have decided to write whatever is about to come out via pen and paper as my perfectionism has less of a grasp around my throat as in comparison to writing in a doc. There is a million places I could start. Perhaps first I should address you, the reader. I don’t know at the moment where this will end up but it is my desire to talk with you. I desire it deeply. Being able to reflect with another human is a great gift. Therefore, I genuinely invite you to respond and speak your mind to the content herein. I would like to hear what you have to say. I'm at such a point in life where that reflection is needed. - - - So, all of that precursory information for what? Well, I need to shine a light on myself and my current condition. I am 21 years old. The next thing that came up in my head was “I am sexually frustrated.” That is true. I am. I place a lot of value into the thought of an intimate partner, yet lack so much genuine experience. I’ve had a handful of various relationships with women, and have had far less sexual experience, something I both crave more and feel starved of the older I have gotten. I don’t even know what to say about it. I’m experiencing the intuitive feeling that I have got this all wrong and mixed up. - - - I feel like I’m going crazy in so many ways. As I write this, I attempt to remain grounded in some form of calm sanity, yet it is tough. The more I dig, the closer I feel to breaking open a raging demon’s cage. Intense and overwhelming blank-mindedness floods my head, and I feel how I imagine a hollow from Dark Souls feels. It all feels rather fucky. From this point I don’t know where to go. On my chest is the weight of a million things that want to be said, but I can’t make out what any of them are. It is frustrating. I need to talk this out.