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Sounds like a very cool mystical experience you're describing. Now, the union that you probably had at that moment provided you I'd guess a kind of ownership of everything you were perceiving, right? This union can be felt and is apparently existent throughout all experience - the mystical and the normal kind of consciousness. It's like the underlying fabric of every experience you have. It creates your and every perspective as a ever-still moment we call now and simultaneously an ever kind of flowing existence of this world we a part of. So, this experience you had I'd guess put off a lot of the layers of self you normally wear on you and let you in on the underlying completeness of reality. Try to make this out in your normal life how everything you perceive flows while being in a complete still moment. And how there are reoccurring themes in everything that exists. See how everything that you can make sense out of is something that underlies certain rules and patterns and arranges itself not only beautifully but intelligently throughout everything. You really grew out of this world and wasn't popped into it. And you really are this no-thingness. You can realize that and be aware of the underlying completeness of every moment. And that's bliss.

@abundance The traditional form and concept of Tratak is indeed that of concentration. And through concentration, energy is generated and siddhis – psychic powers -- are developed; but that ultimate relaxation we are seeking, the meeting with God, does not happen. Concentration is a part and extension of the ego itself; through it you are not dissolved but strengthened. You are not melted but solidified like ice. Your powers increase, but not your bliss. The ability to concentrate is not something to feel blessed about. It is a frozen state of mind, a very narrow state of mind. Useful, of course, useful — for others. Useful in scientific inquiry, useful in business, useful in the market, useful in politics — but absolutely useless for yourself. If you become too attuned with concentration you will become very, very tense. Concentration is a tense state of mind; you will never be relaxed. Concentration is like a torch, focused, and consciousness is like a lamp, unfocused. If you meditate. first concentration will disappear and you will be feeling a little at a loss. But if you go on, by and by you will attain to an unfocused state of light — that’s what meditation is. Once meditation is attained. concentration is child’s play — whenever you need to, you can concentrate. There will be no problem about it and it will be easy and without any tension.

If you don´t escape, if you allow the suffering to be there, if you are ready to face it, if you are not trying somehow to forget it, then you are different. Suffering is there but just around you; it is not in the center, it is on the periphery. It is impossible for suffering to be in the center; it is not in the nature of things. It is always on the periphery and you are the center. So when you allow it to happen, you don´t escape, you don´t run, you are not in a panic, suddenly you become aware that suffering is there on the periphery as if happening to someone else, not to you, and you are looking at it. A subtle joy spreads all over your being because you have realized one of the basic truths of life, that you are bliss and not suffering.

Neither would I. But I think there's something deep to be learned from primitive societies. In modern societies, the constant stimulants and chasing of egoic pursuits are what fog the mind for humans. That's why most modernized people aren't spiritual or in-tune with consciousness and existence. It feeds into an illusion that only continues to get stronger - just look at the rising depression and suicide rates among developed nations. Only through great suffering do modernized people find bliss and happiness, something that is already acquired by the primitive peoples.

Here is something I read yesterday that may relate to that. "Give up even the desire to be experiencing the bliss of being it all".

Reality of Absolute, Infinite Awareness. Countless people today ask what it means to live a deeper spiritual life.... Beyond the old dilemma of whether to renounce the world or immerse oneself in it, the enlightened "Free Beings" (the Avatâra-Incarnations and awake adepts) show us how to freely transcend yet pervade the world with Love and Light through the Power of Pure Awareness. This Divine Reality of Pure Awareness, Open Presence or Spirit, the one Sacred Principle, is both beyond all yet within all. As the theologians say, this Divine Awareness/Reality is both transcendent and immanent. Not any kind of "thing" but the Source, Witness and Reality of all things, this God-Self is other than this world, yet right here animating and embracing this dreamlike world and all her deliciously unique beings. Let's be completely clear about This: Awareness is Who You Really Are, right HERE, right NOW, the Infinite, Open, Imperceptible (but quite live-able or be-able) Host for all "guest" experiences, as the Zen masters say. Awareness is the Supreme Self, the unseen Seer of seeing, the unheard Hearer of hearing, the unthinkable Thinker of thinking, as the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad (our oldest wisdom text) revealed Divine Truth nearly 3,000 years ago. Hence, anyone living and flourishing in/as Divine Awareness-Bliss-Love can be totally involved in the world while entirely uninvolved, fully engaged while completely free as the One Who Alone IS, the I AM THAT AM. This God-Self or Divine Dreamer, the true Living God, Pure Open Awareness, sports and adventures as "I am this" or "I am that," delightfully playing the always-poignant role of the individual human being or any kind of sentient being, eventually awakening ItSelf (from Its egocentric soul condition) to the clarity of Divine Presence, the only Reality. One's life, therefore, can be a beautiful unfolding flower of virtue, eventually fully blossoming into a life of Divine splendor.

Maybe here's there's part of the response: Anatta – the difference between Buddhism and Hinduism Anatta is a central doctrine of Buddhism, and marks one of the major differences between Buddhism and Hinduism. Buddhists do not believe that at the core of all human beings and living creatures, there is any "eternal, essential and absolute something called a soul, self or atman". Buddhism, from its earliest days, has denied the existence of the "self, soul" in its core philosophical and ontological texts. In its soteriological themes, Buddhism has defined nirvana as that blissful state when a person, amongst other things, realizes that he or she has "no self, no soul". The traditions within Hinduism believe in Atman. The pre-Buddhist Upanishads of Hinduism assert that there is a permanent Atman, and is an ultimate metaphysical reality. This sense of self, is expressed as "I am" in Brihadaranyaka Upanishad 1.4.1, states Peter Harvey, when nothing existed before the start of the universe. The Upanishadic scriptures hold that this soul or self is underlying the whole world.[117] At the core of all human beings and living creatures, assert the Hindu traditions, there is "eternal, innermost essential and absolute something called a soul, self that is atman."[5] Within the diverse schools of Hinduism, there are differences of perspective on whether souls are distinct, whether Supreme Soul or God exists, whether the nature of Atman is dual or non-dual, and how to reach moksha. However, despite their internal differences, one shared foundational premise of Hinduism is that "soul, self exists", and that there is bliss in seeking this self, knowing self, and self-realization.

It becomes 100 times easier to accept what happens and live in bliss if you have resources. Eckhart Tolle teachea big babies like that to accept that someone broke up with him, while some homeless has to accept that he wont eat and he will be dirty, malnourished and sick one more day. Oh no, poor me, i got dumped.Go have a shower and breathe. You playing the game in easy mode. The homeless on hard mode. Not only the homeless, all those people who live day by day, month by month, not knowing if they will meet both ends... This is hard mode. Not some mental issues of emptiness, not reaching your fullest potential or screwing less girls than your mates.

@Happiness Remember that the actual experience you had was infinite peace and bliss. Those negative emotions don't really exist. They're all just made up in retrospect.

Wheres the problem in taking it and feeling awesome constantly. Sounds like buddah state of constant bliss. If i can sustain it i would

@mr lenny @MIA.RIVEL The Zen people say just sit, don’t do anything. The most difficult thing in the world is just to sit doing nothing. But once you have the knack of it, if you can go on sitting for a few months doing nothing for a few hours every day, slowly, slowly, many things will happen. You will feel sleepy, you will dream. Many thoughts will crowd your mind, many things. The mind will say, ‘Why are you wasting your time? You could have earned a little money. At least you could have gone to a film, entertained yourself, or you could have relaxed & gossiped. You could have watched TV or listened to the radio or at least you could have read the newspaper you have not seen. Why are you wasting your time?’ mind will give you a thousand & one arguments, but if you just go on listening without being bothered by the mind....it will do all kinds of tricks; it will hallucinate, it will dream, it will become sleepy. It will do all that is possible to drag you out of sitting. But if you go on, if you persevere, one day the sun rises. One day it happens, you are not feeling sleepy, the mind has become tired of you, is fed up with you, has dropped the idea that you can be trapped, is simply finished with you! There is no sleep, no hallucination, no dream, no thought. You are simply sitting there, doing nothing....& all is silence & all is peace & all is bliss.

If you know the difference, why not have a little fun with experience of all kinds. When you see it all goes around in a circle and returns to where it started, all you can do is laugh your ass off. All that remains is to play with form, existence and experience. For now it's all that is. Make it up as you go along, it doesn't matter at all. There are no rules or guidelines here except the ones we choose for ourselves. If you want to experience bliss, do it. If you want to experience hell, go for it! Fear, disappointment, love, jealously hate, separation, oneness, a high, a low, an awakening, ect. all the same as being just another experience. Even the negative or positive sensations that each creates within the body/mind is choice created for the experience of it . Edit: Listen to what is said here @7:00

WEEK 10 DAY 64 20 minute yoga in the morning. 60 minute yoga class. 25 minute breathing meditation. Woke up feeling tired. This is mostly because of how much I smoked yesterday. Later on in the day a headache started. I felt very inspired yesterday and committed to no entertainment challenge for this week. Well, shit. Why did I take away coffee? As the first half of the day was ending I questioned this decision a lot. My mind was looking for reasons to cancel the challenge or at least part of it, at least coffee ban. I even had thoughts where I thought that it might actually be better to live with addictions. "I like my addictions" - yes, I had this thought. I want coffee so bad and at the same time I don't give a fuck that I want it. I will keep this challenge going no matter what. I have thoughts that this challenge might not be very useful for me, that it is only waste of energy. Well, fuck these thoughts, even if they are true. I will draw conclusions at the end of the week. Another thing, normally I do not waste much time on entertainment. I just need a quick facebook check, short article and a short video on youtube. I thought it is no big deal. Now I feel like I am choking on silence. There is a lot of empty space and it is tough to handle it. Last time I had a day without facebook was when there was no way to access the internet. Completely not indulging in entertainment and distractions is challenging especially when I need to do so little to get that little hit of facebook. Just one click. Fingers cracked 1 time. DAY 65 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25+25 minute breathing meditation. Had a decent sleep tonight but again I am sleepy. Is this because I cut out coffee? The sound of coffee machine at work triggers me big time. I am drinking tea right now and it sucks because it is not coffee. Had moments of clarity and relaxation towards the end of the workday. Later some tension came back. Going to sit now. First 25 minute sit was cross-legged, second sitting on the chair. During first sit I had a little trouble keeping my posture on the second sit I had some trouble staying conscious, felt a bit sleepy from time to time. Feeling relaxed now. Goodnight. Fingers cracked 0 times. DAY 66 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute breathing meditation. 25 minute do-nothing meditation. Yoga felt extraordinary mindful today. It just happened this way I did not force anything presence was simply there. Later on at work I saw tension slowly building up. I lost my motivation at work. I mean, there is still some left but it is much less than it used to be. I am aware that motivation comes in waves and sometimes it is completely normal to wish you did not have to come in. This too shall pass. Almost checked facebook couple of times. Not intentionally though, purely because of habit. Just deleted bookmark from the browser so my mouse won't hover over it unconsciously. Something is happening and sometimes I feel that the best thing I could do is to get out of its way and let it happen. How to make 25 minute meditation feel like it lasts 60 minutes? Try sitting crossed-legged and bring your knees as low as you can. If you are very flexible this won't work but if you are like me pain will make meditation last forever. Breathing meditation - more like a pain meditation. Anyway, was an interesting experience. Later sat on the chair for 25 minutes of do-nothing meditation. I kept loosing my awareness very easily there. Breathing meditation keeps me more focused. Fingers cracked 1 time. DAY 67 20 minute yoga in the morning. 60 minute yoga class. 25 minute guided self inquiry. 25 minute energy observation meditation. Every morning it comes. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Lately it seems to have smaller impact on my day but it still there. I used to run away from it. Now we face each other everyday. I am still not sure why it comes but I feel it better now. Also, it tends to go away and then come back and go away and back again. Does not stay very long but keeps coming back. Just to clarify, I am talking about that feeling of unease, feeling of anxiety. Meditation class took place today. Attempted self-inquiry for the first time. We were guided through different layers of ourselves followed by the logic that something I observe is not who I am. Later we did what I call energy observation meditation (literal translation from my native language does not sound very good in English). Basically one can focus on anything that happens inside or outside oneself - be it a sound, a thought, a sensation of pressure or temperature and so on. The aim is not to cling to anything for too long and keep observing. Fingers cracked 0 times. (yay !) DAY 68 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute breathing meditation. Sweet-ass morning. Things were in flow. Not for very long though. As I started my workday the pressure/tension came back. I worked a lot on my sitting posture today, it kept falling apart. When I try to sit with my back straight and legs bent at +/- 90 degrees I feel like I am doing a version of strong determination sitting. I just cant keep it for more than a minute, I have to straighten my legs or create tension in my shoulders or lay back. It might be a good idea to try to keep myself in the same position for at least 20 minutes or so. Why is it so hard? If I keep working still and do not move the pressure on my chest builds up like crazy. Had quite strong cravings for a smoke today. I noticed this happening every Friday. It is easier to avoid smoking during workdays but Friday brings a change of wind (or wind of change?). Anyway, I clearly knew that I do not really want to do that and craving vanished after some time. Today during meditation I had plenty of thoughts. Some stuff was quite ridiculous and when awareness kicked in I started laughing. My girlfriend was in a room and she started laughing too. I just could not stop for almost a minute. The whole situations was pretty absurd lol. Fingers cracked 1 time. DAY 69 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute breathing meditation. Sat for meditation in the morning. It was emotionally challenging and I had a hard time leaving it as it is. Kept coming back to trying to fix a particular negative emotion or wishing it would fix itself. Also had hard time to sit cross-legged through entire meditation. I noticed that for some reason Saturday or Sunday mornings are always difficult emotionally therefore it is really useful to meditate in the morning so that I can become aware of why it happens. Oh shit, resisting entertainment over the weekend is a completely new dimension. The NEED is strong. Doing my best. Later in the day I sat for another 25 minutes and after that I took a nap for 15 minutes. I just did not know what to do. Sorry to disappoint you all but I have just spent half an hour on entertainment. Fingers cracked 5 times. DAY 70 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute breathing meditation in the evening. My dear sirs and ladies, I have gone completely out of control today. I guess the resistance built up and I just totally lost it. So to summarize what happened: RimWorld, a game which I dedicated this day to - from morning till evening; Smoking - not insane amounts but a bit too much; Sugary sweets - in the beginning I thought I will eat a shitload of sugary shit because me and my girlfriend (since we are not eating any) have accumulated large amounts of sweets at home. I ate some but did not really enjoy it as much as I expected so I stopped without any effort; Did not do any work or self-development work except the fact that I somehow managed to do yoga and meditation. Best thing about all this - minimal amount of self-guilt. This just happened and I had moments of enjoyment and saw how different life looks from the perspective of someone who plays computer games whole day. I have been in that place many times in my earlier years but now it seemed completely different. It was a good learning experience. I pushed myself too hard this week and this is where it got me and that is completely fine. Fingers cracked X amount of times. Might be 0, might be 3 but not more. REVIEW OF WEEK 10 Goal review Quitting smoking - Check (Except Sunday !) Quitting any kind of contact with video games - Check (Except Sunday !) Limited social media time - Great success ! Eating healthy - Check. (Except Sunday !) Exercising daily - Check. Meditating for at least 25 mins everyday - Check. Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. No excessive use of alcohol - Check. (0 alcohol) Finger cracking - Failure. Not too bad but still a failure. No more porn - Check. Affirmation habit - Failure. Could be more consistent. Mindful eating - Removing this goal. Everything is slowly becoming more mindful. I learned to eat slower and that is enough for now. NO ENTERTAINMENT CHALLENGE - 6 days of success, 1 day of complete and utter failure. If not Sunday this would be a near perfect week ! Thoughts No entertainment challenge In general this week had more happiness and peace. Still plenty of anxiety and all kinds of negativity, but things are changing. One thing I noticed that after joy/happiness/bliss passes and sadness/anxiety/tension kicks in it does not scare me that much. I am still trying to run away from those emotions but more and more often I face them and accept them fully or partially. It is not easy. This challenge was too much for me. Sunday is a good illustration. What I learned: I do not really need facebook. Not drinking coffee is really hard during first three days and later cravings disappear almost completely. The need for entertainment is extremely deep inside me. I was surprised by how difficult this week was at times. One interesting thing is that I started noticing more stuff and I found entertainment in other places like going home from work and watching people, observing birds, making tea, or listening to some atmospheric music. Pushing too hard for too long might result in total chaos. Woo-woo(-zela) One thing I noticed in meditation class that when sharing our experiences some people go full woowoozela (woo-woo). Funny thing is that those people tend to get along well with each other. What I mean by woowoozela is that some people totally miss the point of meditation and share their experiences of flying around the world and trying to find other people from the group so that they can fly together or some random visions of seeing Jesus or simply saying that their ego is gone (after first attempt of self-inquiry WOW good job lol). They are people who are attracted to some kind of spiritual bling-bling and they honestly remind me of a guy from youtube doing videos about "Ultra spiritual" stuff. And by the way, I am fine with it. What it made me think about is that a certain percentage of people in this forum are definitely big woowoozela fans and I should really be careful not to take some nonsense misinformation seriously. I became much more open-minded since I started looking more on the so called spiritual side of self-development but there is a definitely a limit for how far it can go. As the saying goes "If you open your mind too much your brain will fall out". Goal adjustment I was thinking about increasing meditation duration to 30 minutes per sit but I still have a hard time sitting cross-legged for 25 minutes. Maybe couple weeks later. - Ultra minimal social media time - Focusing on affirmation habit After this week's challenge I realised that I do not really miss it much. This might happen quite naturally though I have to be ready for some medium cravings at times. Afterword 10 weeks have passed. Soon I will do a quick recap of last 5 weeks. I do not get much replies in my journal and quite possibly nobody read through it entirely but if you are following my journey I just want to say that my commitment to this journal keeps growing. I have no doubt that I will follow through. P.s. Having no entertainment for 6 days led to this weeks entry becoming very long. Maybe even too long. Oops. Thank you for reading, TakeCare Next update planned on 2016.09.11

@musicalwatch From my perspective, everyone has a level of genius in relation to their purpose. What I believe you may be talking about is the "zone of FLOW". For me, this happens sometimes when I am doing creative things. Here's how I know that I've just experienced "the zone": The music I put on 6 hours ago has ended (who knows how long ago), I also hadn't noticed that my bladder is about to explode, or how totally dehydrated I am, or that the sun is suddenly coming up, and the tool (paintbrush, pencil, plyers, sewing needle, etc) is practically stuck in my completely cramped up hand....lol....this may sound unpleasant and disconcerting, but in fact, it's the opposite! Knowing that you have been in the zone is an incredible feeling (after you finally pee...lol)....not knowing if you were thinking, or what you were thinking about is actually an elevated consciousness, not a state of drooling ignorance. It is not madness either, for if we are enacting our purpose, we are on the best possible path for our sanity and health in general. What @Henri, & @Infinite_Zest said is so true! Find your bliss! ...if you are happy, madness is irrelevant anyway...lol....

I've heard shinzen young talk about that it could happen that you see the truth without the liberation,the bliss, and all them good feelings... But that is were very rare and it could be fixed. If I understood him right. That is one thing I'm afraid of. More intense feelings of fear etc that I feel now and I panic, and instead like heaven on earth it becomes hell on earth. Afraid of the feeling of just falling. It really felt like I fell from a cliff couple of days ago. Everything just seems like the opposite of what I know. Like the unknown. Which I understand it really isn't. But that's the feeling. Maybe this scares me more than physical death because then there is nothing that can experience something and it could not feel. Anyway. I think I'll lay down now for a bit...

In my opinion science is just the humans attempt to create a functional and objective analysis on life. However as you are describing you are starting to see the fallacy in science and its nature, which is essentially grounded in our perception, what we can perceive and objectively measure. Since these things are constantly changing or forever will change. The only control for our experience is like you said... direct experience. That being said, with so many interwebing belief systems, thoughts and unconscious patterns it becomes a life mission to distinguish what is our direct experience and what is false. To see things for what they are without meaning, purpose, function, reason, value etc. is Truth. If you get there, your enlightened and apparently the conscious experience is ineffable and indescribable; feelings of pure bliss and love. Besides that everything is all a fiction. However the search for meaning is a necessary fiction some might say to realise nothing and everything.

WEEK 9 DAY 57 20 minute yoga in the morning. 60 minute yoga lesson. 25 minute breathing meditation. 25 minute sound meditation. I asked for bliss and I had some today. Nothing specific happened, morning was not easy but I did alright and later on there came some beautiful moments. Yoga! Today started yoga practice with a teacher. I will have lessons twice a week and each will last one hour. It felt much different than my casual 20 minutes in the morning. Actually, I pushed a bit too hard and something happened to my lower back. I hope it is nothing serious and I will be fine soon. Meditation was pleasant but full of distractions (both internal and external). Just before I went to sleep I did another sit. Fingers cracked 1 time. DAY 58 20 minute slow-mo yoga in the morning. 25 minute breathing meditation. What is slow-mo yoga? Well, it is something you do when you wreck your back by stretching too hard the previous day. My lower back pain makes feel like an old man. Schedule today was full. I attended yet another birthday celebration, did not use any alcohol and chose carefully what to put in my mouth. Later I arrived back home and sat to meditate. I was tired but did relatively ok. In the future if there will be a very busy day coming I will adjust my schedule by meditating in the early morning. Fingers cracked 0 time. DAY 59 20 minute yoga at midday. 25 minute breathing meditation. Not enough sleep, going to work earlier, a lot of stress, feeling heavy pressure on chest. Very challenging day. During meditation back went crazy, had to lay down. Not much else to share. I will be back in shape tomorrow. Fingers cracked 2 time. DAY 60 20 minute yoga in the morning. 60 minute yoga lesson. 25 minute observation meditation. 25 minute guided pshychosynthesis meditation. I am observing neurosis from closer distance. It starts in the very morning. Tension in the body eventually grows into pressure on my chest. Physically exhausting. Sometimes I feel medium cravings for some external stimulation so that I do not have to spend any more time in this state. Resistance probably is what keeps me stuck in there. I told yoga teacher about my back problems. She allowed me to attend though she warned me to be extra careful. All in all, lesson went well. Later on in the evening I attended meditation class (feels somehow wrong to call it this way but can't find a better word in English at the moment). When I came there I was so tense, pressure on chest was going crazy, heart was beating strong and I had hard time feeling that. When we started observation (I believe it is similar to "do nothing" technique) meditation there were 5 minutes for relaxation where we did a "ocean" breathing. It is generally practiced in yoga and creates a little resistance in the throat so you breath louder than usually. What struck me deeply how RELAXED I was only after 5 MINUTES. All the pressure was gone. I was in deep stress and switched to deep relaxation. Jesus fucking Christ (please forgive my excitement) it only took 5 minutes to Take Care of something that was troubling me for the most of the day. If I learn to change my state so drastically whenever I feel like it it will transform my life completely. After today I like my meditation teacher even more. There is a lot to learn/experience. Fingers cracked 1 time. DAY 61 20 minute yoga in the morning. 30 minute breathing meditation in the bus. Stress. I do not know what has changed exactly but it has been another stressful day. I am detaching myself from the emotion as much as I can but there is a physical expression of stress that it is difficult to distance myself from. Pressure on the chest area sometimes goes full horse crazy. The only time I had for meditation was in the bus. For half an hour I focused on my breathing and also to the sounds the bus made. It was not a very deep meditation but it went better than I expected. Fingers cracked 0 times. DAY 62 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute sound meditation. I did not do yoga before breakfast as usual because I was not at home. Later in the morning I procrastinated a bit and finally did it which made me really happy. My body was still sleeping until I exercised. It is difficult for me to understand how could I have lived without exercising in the morning. This just has such a positive influence for the day. Meditation was unusually thoughtful (full of thoughts) which in this case is not something I was going for. Fingers cracked 1 time. DAY 63 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute breathing meditation. "You can't think yourself into the right action but you can act yourself into the right thinking" might be paraphrased but helped me few times today. I did meditation and yoga but to sum it up I slacked off this weekend. It will be very obvious in goal review. All the experiences I had this week led to the decision to make next week a challenging one. Fingers cracked 0 times. REVIEW OF WEEK 9 Goal review Quitting smoking - Failure. I did not even try this week. I smoked few times after work and there was a lot of smoking during the weekend. Quitting any kind of contact with video games - Failure. Spent 2-3 hours watching Warcraft III tournament stream. Not that much but still 2-3 hours too many. Limited social media time - A bit too much. Eating healthy - Check. (with an exception of 4 candies on Sunday). Exercising daily - Check. (starting to feel more and more comfortable with yoga routine) Meditating for at least 25 mins everyday - Check. Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Healthy sitting posture - Check. This goal will be removed from the list. It is something that I do naturally now. No excessive use of alcohol - Check. (0 alcohol) No sugar in coffee - Check. This will be removed from the goal list too. It is something that happens naturally now. Finger cracking - Check. (Only 5 cracks which is still more than 3 so the counter stays on) No more porn - Check. Affirmation habit - Failure (did not work consistently on that) Mindful eating - More of a failure than success. (inconsistent) Thoughts This week has been full of stress or in one word - stressful. I am having more responsibilities at work and I probably need some time to adjust. Sometimes stress takes over even though there is not much happening. It is all in my head. Got to keep breathing. My back still has not recovered completely but it is getting better. Yoga teacher said one thing that I kind of knew but did not apply - when doing yoga there is no need to have a goal. It is a process, focus on the present. Stretching too hard goes against the essence of it. Amount of contradicting thoughts this week has been unsettling. That is another reason for all the tension and stress. There is a certain amount of contradiction that I can manage but too much is too much. More and more often I feel a need to spend time alone. One interesting thing was noticed. In English word "justice" phonetically sounds like "just is". Therefore, justice is what is and it can not be anything else because it just is. Funny, isn't it? It probably has nothing to do with the origin of the word but nonetheless an interesting coincidence. Checked out Allan Watts this week and that is something that made me think: "The reason why you want to become better is the reason why you are not." I also re-evaluated my position in personal development scale (based on Leo's categorization). First, I classified myself as a newbie though now I see that I am more likely somewhere between a wounded-newbie and a newbie. This is just labels and they do not change what really is but it can shift my perspective on how I should approach certain issues I am dealing with. Goal adjustment — NO ENTERTAINMENT/NO DISTRACTION CHALLENGE FOR THE NEXT WEEK (and maybe longer) This means: No internet funsies - facebook, all kinds of fun stuff and also no excessive reading in this forum. Internet only for work or research purposes. No smoking, drinking or eating crap - which basically are my already existing goals. No excessive talking - more listening, more silence. No coffee - this will be TOUGH. I drink 2-3 cups of coffee everyday. No rushing - this week is going to be sloooow. Doing only ONE THING at a time If I feel an urge to distract myself somehow I can meditate or do yoga. If I can not meditate I can focus on breathing wherever I am. Wish me luck. Or better not, wish me peace. It is more important. Thank you for reading, TakeCare Next update planned on 2016.09.04

So to break it down, I have joined a spiritual group that knows all of the so called occult, or the knowledge of the hidden, with this I learned much too much on advancing the soul, this group is a satanic one, and contains of what would to be to onlookers as neo-nazism, which needs to be ignored as what is important is the spiritual concepts taught. The truth is, we all have a soul, this is what is known as consciousness: More on the discovery of the soul: https://www.princeton.edu/~hhalvors/papers/hh-soul-preview.pdf http://gostica.com/soul-science/quantum-physics-proves-that-death-is-an-illusion/ https://www.sott.net/article/271933-Scientists-claim-that-Quantum-Theory-proves-consciousness-moves-to-another-universe-at-death http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2503370/Quantum-physics-proves-IS-afterlife-claims-scientist.html http://www.learning-mind.com/quantum-theory-proves-that-consciousness-moves-to-another-universe-after-death/ The human soul contains 5 elements, fire,earth,air,water and spirit (or aether). The soul is of a light body, as shown in the illustration below: (Source: http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Human_Soul.html) "Oneness" is a concept for the Soul who has connected Ida and Pnigala. This is truth on the afterlife: http://web.archive.org/web/20150329042134/http://www.exposingcommunism.com/The%20Afterlife%20and%20Reincarnation.pdf Disregard the dogma, and read it for what it is, as it goes into full depth of this so called "afterlife". Peace is also a spiritual concept, and peace is attained when one flushes out their negative Karma and mental problems, through meditation, and they achieve enlightenment. Which literally means, the filling of the Soul with light. This manifests into mental serenity, clearness of thought, and an elevated state of existence where one is no longer bothered by the problems of a disobedient and problematic "mind". The Buddah sat beneath the "Bo Tree" and achieved enlightenment. "Bo means serpent, as in Bo-A or Boo-Ta." Ancient religions centered around the reverence for the serpent. The serpent is the symbol of the kundalini. The "Tree of Knowledge" is really the map of the human soul. It is seen in nearly every ancient religion pre-dating Judeo/Christianity. The trunk symbolizes the spine, and the branches symbolize the chakras and the kundalini pathways. There are 144,000 nadis (channels for the kundalini life force) within the human soul. In addition to the 7 chakras, or the major sources of energy, there are several minor ones overlooked [ As much spiritual knowledge is actively suppressed. Also, a page on opening the chakras: http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/OpeningChakras.html Enlightenment is through the Crown chakra, (Where the Ida and Pingala merge) as shown in this diagram: On afterlife: "What one must be aware is the fundamental parts of the Soul, as in Male [Pigala] and Female [Ida] energy, as well as the Shushumna part of the Soul [the door and the place of Kundalini energy] which is the actual hermaphrodite energy. There have been posts asking to where people are asking about the pains of reincarnation, or how this happens and so forth. Yes, this is the unfortunate Truth, but not all of it and not the Truth for Satanists. We have to reincarnate again and again, which is the natural flow of things, the "natural" of a lower level of existence that we are not meant to exist in. As we have already stated, the Soul if not worked upon with by Meditation can die and wither away, like any other form in the universe. This is no different than leaving the physical body without food. The Gentile Soul is shaped in such manner that when perfected, it can be a self sustaining immortal mechanism, that has an energy uptake form its own self, in other words, as others perish in the after life, those who reach a stage will not. The energy will recreate itself and thus recreate the being. This is the so called "afterlife" the enemy raves about and never gives anyone." - From the article More on consciousness: Also Satan keeps and retains our Souls for those who have not reached this state. For better saying, he keeps and retains our "true self" which is the Soul we have had and possessed in all our lifetimes. This part of the Soul is the actual consciousness, as in pure consciousness and the real ID of the real self. This is who you really are. So long someone stays inside their womb, they are at that state, they are their pure self. The state by which this Real part of the Self is reached is called Samadhi in the East and this is the meaning of Satyan - Eternal Truth. Inside this state one realizes the not so human nature of the Human mind. Thats the literal meaning of the Delphic "know thyself" and of all other Ancient Mysteries. More on death of the physical: Due to our mortal physical body and our lack of spirituality, this state and any and all links to it get lost. This is what xianity aims, as at that state, the mind is overly expanded and the intelligence is amplified to such degree that hardly ever words can describe, because this state is not ordinarily "Human" in anyway. Its superhuman. Its more than Human, its really Human and not the nowdays "Human". If they entered that state. This state is symbolized by the Egyptians by the Wadjet eye, the Horus eye, (Third eye) which upon opening and being delved upon makes one see the Truth. [Satan opens one's spiritual eyes.] Though not mortally and consciously aware, this state is existing and happening inside Humanity, and is taking place in the form of the "higher ego" or "higher self" state, or simply the Samadhi state of consciousness. This state is totally inaccessible by any other means than meditation and also, mastery of the disciple of meditation and perfection of the Soul. Though, without there being a link from this form of consciousness, which is the Vadjet and the Divine Mother Kundalini in other cultures, the conscious self is trapped in basically two modes of consciousness: The male, conscious everyday consciousness [Ida] and the dream like state, the female part. [Pingala The first takes on when you are woken up, the second takes on when you are asleep. Illustration on the ida and pingala: The Male part of the Soul is directly linked to the Mental body, which is the link between the Male and Female parts of the Astral body. There is no "Mental body" on its own, its rather a part of the Male Astral body, but at the same time, what is called "mental body" communicates with the Female part of the Astral body, that contains the Subconscious and Unconscious parts of the Soul. I know it sounds complex, but if one gives it some time, they will understand this. Neither the Male or the Female part of these is really the Real Soul, as the Soul itself resides on the higher realms and is "touched" upon when the male and female part is fused, through empowerment of the Astral body. Both these parts constitute the Aura of the bodies and each body has its own Auric field, that does different things. These parts of the Soul act at the same time and with one another, directly influencing one another, to bigger or lesser degrees . The Astral body is the link between the Higher Part of the Soul, the Real Soul and the conscious/dream bodies that we have, that is dimensionally higher than the present 'ego' and is touched when one is advancing in meditation. When one works and strengthens the astral body, a fusal starts happening, between the higher body [Real Soul] and the lower body [the present Male Active and Female inactive part of the Soul, in the present incarnation]. As the Astral body becomes able, more and more of the "real self" [what we today call unconscious part of the mind, Kundalini Self] is becoming apparent in the everyday consciousness and in the sub conscience. The unconscious part can really become conscious but this is a long, very long process and its through this one becomes a God. Ideally, the Magnum Opus is when this fusal happens and one is again their real self, that has all their past life memories, all their past life knowledge and so forth. The higher part of the Soul is actually conscious and on the lower behalf of the body and Soul is the Kundalini Serpent. This is the Higher Mind. The Kundalini Serpent is actually what Satyan gave Humanity in order to save us from this vicious circle of the "rotar". The "rotar" is actually of the lower existential consciousness and of the enemy, where there is the vicious circle of "karma" that keeps people blind as to the real reality, which is Spiritual. Its the vicious circle of death and rebirth, good and bad and so forth, from which Humanity is ideally meant to escape, but the enemy makes sure to keep people stuck in, in order to exploit the lower beings. What you are living today and doing is also stored inside your unconscious part of the Soul. Stronger events have a bigger impact and are imprinted there. This is the "bank" of your Soul memories. This includes knowledge of past lifes and so forth. These parts of the self can also be regained through this process which is called the Magnum Opus. The mortal body is meant to become immortal through the Magnum Opus, which is the final goal of spirituality. Though, when the fixing of the Astral body has happened, one will not perish in the after life and they will not wither away like other Souls who are not worked upon, after they physically die. By that way, they can incarnate when they want and they can be self sustained. Also, one will have the nessescary power to tread the astral realms and so forth, which is important, and also Satan and the Gods of duat protect people from nerfarious astral entities. Dedicated Satanists at their moment of death, no different than Ancient Egyptians, are taken by the Gods to a special astral plane until they reincarnate. Those who haven't reached that state, though, must re-incarnate before they dissipate so they will not wither and die. Satan though keeps people who are before that state if they are willing and they are sustained, if there are reasons for that. If not, they will be reincarnated. All the bodies are inter-connected and all influence each other. This means something simple. The highest part of the Soul that Satan retains throughout reincarnation and the Gods keep, is influenced by the lowest half of the Soul which is the Physical and is directly linked to the Male part of the Soul, that we change in every lifetime and requires energy renewal until it is fixed through advancement. In other words, as the Astral body advances and you empower it, you empower all parts of your being and not only the body in itself, but the Higher Soul. The power raised through this action empowers your real "Soul", the real "ID" of yourself. At that point, all your progress adds up, so you do not really start from "ground zero" in the next lifetime. You do, but the memory and the openess is there, so states are re-attained real faster than before. When someone physically dies, they experience an opening of their own "Highest self", (which is the intense bliss from enlightenment) one but this only lasts until the physical body has died. Most do not even have any memory at all and most cannot even "get" to that state to actually get a glimpse of this body/Soul part. This is because this consciousness is too high and they are unable to get a hold of it, let alone understand any of it. So when one dies, they simply leave their dead body and the conscious part of their Soul [the Astral body, the body of Astral Projection] exits. It stays into the Astral realm and slowly dissipates. How fast or if it will dissipate depends on many, many things. Dedicated Satanists at that point, no matter how far they are, are being taken by Gods like Anubis and other Gods, so their astral body is escorted into a safe Haven for our Souls. They are sustained there until they reincarnate. With the Astral Body, which is the closer link and contains the "Higher Soul" or the "God part" they are reincarnated again. The Astral body contains inside it two things and a third thing which is the fusal of both. The male [lower Ego part conscious consciousness, Pingala consciousness] , the Subconsciousness [female part of the mind, Ida Consciousness] and the unconscious part which is more or less latent [depends on advancement, Shushumna/Kundalini consciousness] and its purpose is to transform both and save their progress and powers. The female part subconscious of the Soul, the Kundalini, does what is natural and is always striving to meet and connect with the male, conscious part of the Soul. The union produces the third part, which is the open door to the Unconscious part, the Kundalini part. "Unconscious" is only a term. Infact, its supreme consciousness, but not in anyway like the walking consciousness. This walking consciousness is only a part of the whole deal. All consciousness that is of the Astral body [conscious consciousness] gives place to the unconscious consciousness of the Higher Part of the Soul at this point of the Soul entering the Fetus. When one enters, the "Ego" part of the Astral body that they had in the last lifetime and they went to Duat with, dissipates again and they gain a new one, the one they will be born with. This part is given to the child by the parents and directly influences the Physical body aswell and this ties into the Racial criteria aswell. This is why National Socialism is as it is, and is of the Gods of Hell, but this is a whole another matter. What can be said simply, the better body, the better the expression of the Soul. The enemy give their all to destroy the genetics of Humanity for that reason. For this fusal to be able to happen, there has to exist a couple of Humans that are able to give the Soul the genetic material/physical material it needs to actually 'stick' to the body, so it can express itself and advance in the given body. The "Ego" part of the Self is being changed in every lifetime and with it, all conscious knowledge and sense of self is gone forever from Male conscious approach and is being saved inside the Kundalini/Unconscious part of the Soul, yet the female part of the Astral body or the Unconscious part [the Kundalini, the real Self, the Shushumna part of the Soul] remain intact but latent until activated, inside the Soul. In there the powers of the Soul are contained, the memories, the knowledge and anything else. When one is born, they swing again to the new Male conscious part, which is to a degree, connected to the Female part of the mind. How much one will be fused and aware depends on the level they had in their past lifetime. Thats why some people are born very powerful, some less, some very aware, some less aware and so forth. And the process goes on and on until its finalization. At the moment of entering the fetus, the "Ego" part "dies" at this point and with it, all conscious knowledge of the last lifetime. The unconscious part [the Female part of the Astral body] though operates when one is in the womb fully and then for the first years of one's life, with depending power, as it remains intact as it reincarnates intact. This is why some children have memories from past lives and they lose these later, while others do not. The female/latent part of the Soul longs to be connected to the new Active Male Part. Thats the fable of Eve giving Adam the Apple. Eve was tempted by the Serpent and gave Adam the apple. Then they both ate the Apple and they became as the Gods. Reincarnation is mandatory simply because the Male Part is the bio electricity of the Soul, the conscious spark of life, the part from the greater Serpentine energy that we have in out conscious availability to live and is given to us by the physical birth. The meaning though is to be self sustained as a Soul, as stated earlier. The enemy did their best as in threatening Humanity and in cursing them as to not attain this state of being. The knowledge of past lives does not literally exist in the Unconscious/Kundalini part of the Soul as mere "knowledge" but it manifests inside the life in the lower levels in many ways, until its finally accessible in such way that it can be rewired into the present mortal part of the mind, in the form it used to exist. In other words. Its not lost, but to literally re-absorb it, one can only do this after they have raised the Serpent. This force manifests so long that its allowed and accepted. For instance, if one is a Satanist in a past life, then this unconscious part of the Soul urges them to rejoin Satan in the present lifetime and so forth. Ultimately, it really opens up and operates, after they are Ascended. The raising of the Serpent unites the Male part of the Soul [the "Ego" one has in every lifetime] with the female part of the Soul [that remains only half intact after reincarnation, because as we are young it gets programmed by others - this is the door to the higher part of the mind] and they both unite and fuse with the Higher Self/ Kundalini part of the Soul [in which the real Soul ID that existed in all lifetimes and so forth, the real self exists]. The Rising of the Serpent is the ground upon which the True Self of all lifetimes is experienced and is becoming reality. When this happens, the door is being opened and is accessible to this higher self, for whatever purposes. You might think this is the end, but in reality, its the new beggining. Thats why DEATH and DYING and finally, RESURRECTION have been major themes in our Religion throughout the Ages. The consciousness from there on is totally perfected and reform and this is where the Purpose of Being is realized and new states of being have been achieved. The Truth becomes a part of our awareness. Through this consciousness and the help of our Gods, the physical body itself can be made immortal, which means one does no longer have to do this vicious circle of changing active parts of the Soul in every damn lifetime. The Gods give us this opportunity and also, Satan gave us the Serpent and the Higher Part of the Soul in which who we are through all this still preserves and lives and we carry this with us, so that existing over and over until we are finished and perfect is not totally needless. Even if one does not reach the Kundalini ascension fully in their lifetime, they carry with them in the latent part of the Soul the knowledge of how to get there faster, and also they carry the factors that contribute to doing this faster and faster in the next lifetime, so they can finally complete the work. For some it might manifest in making evolutionary leaps, for others in their natal chart, for others in faster advancement and in a sense of "what to do" and in many other forms. Being with Satan manifests in many ways as a wake up call to get to Satan and Satanism, or interest in the Old Pagan religions, or whatever else. For some it might also manifest itself as in raw power, for others in all the above. You get the meaning behind this, not everyone is the same.

Just over a year ago, I was meditating down by the river on my property and had one of the most intense experiences I've ever had. It was while I was stoned but I have experienced it without weed too, though not as intense. To start off with, this had nothing to do with sexual intercourse or even masturbation. There was no ejaculation nor an erection. There was no physical or even visual stimuli. Just a toe-curling, chill-inducing full-body climax. For 45 minutes. Since then, I haven't had one quite as long but I can have them at will now. Let me explain. I was sitting on a wooden bench at the base of a very large pine tree. This pine tree is the tallest one in a patch of pine trees with oak, maple and birch trees surrounding them. It's on a small ridge ten feet above the river but about fifteen feet away from the water. It is a very peaceful place and I've had many experiences here, including my own death (with the help of Leo's guided meditation, but that is another story). So I was sitting alone, with my eyes open in a deep meditative state. I cannot recall what the catalyst was but back then I was meditating by staring at trees along the river. Looking back at my account of it the next day, there was a fishing boat with fishermen in it casting their lines about 40 yards away. Since I was fully-clothed, no one was wise to the fact that I was in a state of bliss. Although, that first time, who knows what I looked like when it was happening. The entire episode began with a thump within my body. I jolted but remained seated. My whole body was tensed but I felt it most in my core, emanating from the inside. I say tensed instead of clenched because my buttocks were flexed but my sphincter was not. I was seated comfortably but in a mildly reclined position. Again, the position could be seen as if I was relaxed but still upright. I had no concern for appearances at that moment. My quads were taut causing my feet to lift. My left foot was twitching while my right foot was still. After a while, I began to allow myself to relax so the feeling did not become dulled by the intensity of it. I did have a slight fear of losing it but did not. I then adjusted and again felt myself tensing again with my butt on the edge of the bench with my upper torso lifting up while my shoulders were still in contact with the bench back. It was almost like I was "planking" with my feet just off the ground. During all this, there was no erection at all. Not even a slight one. After it was done, I ran up to the house and told my wife about it. Not much interest though. Much like when she tells me about her lucid dreams. I haven't experienced it and assume that I can't so I don't get too excited about her dreams. She didn't get my level of fascination with it. Fairplay, I guess. Not much of a reaction from her, at least until I mentioned half-jokingly that I didn't need her anymore. She has a great sense of humor but I still had to explain myself. If most of us spend most our waking lives working to make money to afford nice things such as cars and stuff to impress others, especially in the dating scene, we spend an good deal amount of time preparing our appearance to influence others' opinion of us, namely our ability to own stuff. We want to impress others so we primp and shine ourselves up just so we can get either money, admiration or sex. You know the old joke, if you could lick yourself like a dog does, you'd never leave the house? That was what I was referring to. The lack of anyone or anything else needed to experience such bliss. I realized that the bliss I experienced came from within. Within me. I didn't need sex, money, nor any other physical being to experience this level of joy. She understood my quick explanation and didn't take it personally. I successfully dodged that bullet. After the euphoria wore off, I probably went about six weeks before I experienced another episode but not as long in duration. Although, I have experienced it sitting right next to my wife while she was watching TV or sitting on the porch swing with me. She's unfazed but usually she doesn't notice. It's that subtle now but when it gets going, the foot twitch is rather noticeable. Now, I can do it at will, while I'm driving, sitting in a waiting room (briefly, but just to see if I could), although not to the degree of the first time. Sitting or standing, but sitting is better. Since then, I've spent a bit of time meditating over what the catalyst was for the first few. I wanted to study the steps I took and if it was teachable. Apparently it is. I found what works for me. I also discovered something called Kundalini but only noticed some similarities but the areas of intense feeling are at the base of the spine and very close to but not the "taint". It tain't external. Has anyone else experienced this?

The "Be Aware of the Present Moment" Farce Ahh, yes. Be aware of the present moment and I will eventually reach a state of no-mind, which is enlightenment....I will be thought-less all day and forever in a state of samadhi....Pure bliss....All I have to do is try to stop thinking in my meditation and become so aware of the present moment that it just sticks. Right? .....RIGHT!? --Wait...What does it mean to "be aware of the present moment?" Isn't the present moment all there is? Well, yes, that's what Eckhart Tolle told me so it must be true....I'll believe anything the New Age gurus say. They're so enlightened and peaceful looking. --Isn't that a contradiction though? Be aware of the present moment in the present moment? Yes, but my thoughts bring me to the past and the future, and that's baaaaaad. I've gotta be a drill sergeant and prevent myself from thinking ANY thoughts. All thoughts cause suffering, therefore I must get rid of them. --Okay, something's off here. You just admitted that being aware of the present moment is a contradiction, but now you go off and say that thoughts bring you to the past and the future? I mean, when I look in my direct experience, sure, thoughts come that have images with labels such as "past" and "future," but all of this is happening in the present moment. How can you ever be un-present or un-aware? And inquiring further, where is the "you" that prevents "yourself" from thinking any thoughts? Where is the "you" that is aware of the present moment? Just look in your present experience for this "you" and all of this "I must be aware of the present moment" hogwash will be flushed out of your system. Are you kidding me, dude? I'm right here! I meditate my ass off every day so I can become totally aware of the present moment! It's all proven in The Power of Now! --Look, dude. Let me lay it on you. Thoughts appearing in awareness created a "you" that needs to be re-created constantly. It's fundamentally incomplete and needs an objective. So what does it do? It makes enlightenment into another one of its goals, and pretends that it can achieve enlightenment like any other goal. You just need to "be aware of the present moment" as you say, right? Or meditate for twenty years and boom, fireworks? But this "you" is the very thing that stands in the way of enlightenment. "Your" head is on the chopping block! Enlightenment is already the case. It's just your sense of ownership over a tiny sliver of experience that's the obstruction. Where is the "you" that owns this body, this mind, whatever it is you use to identify yourself? Of course, man. I know, the "you" is an illusion! All I am is Being! I'm Being! And if I meditate enough and be more aware of the present moment, I can realize myself as Being! --Sigh...

The pratice which David Deida talks about seems similar to Tantric Sex, which can be used also for reach Enlightement or bliss according to Osho for instance. Search it on google or here there are a few good articles. http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/relationships/273020/tantric-sex http://www.lovepanky.com/sensual-tease/passion-pill/tantric-sexuality-tantra-sexuality Also here a talk of Osho where he mentions some tips and guidelines By the way David Deida writed The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover , that could be useful as well.

WEEK 8 DAY 50 20 minute yoga in the morning. 22+25 minute meditation Today is a day off. Despite of that from the very morning I did not feel well. Tried to meditate at midday and I did not manage to sit for entire 25 minutes. Towards the end I realised that I was only waiting for the timer to go off and was not really meditating anymore. There were cravings for sweets and gaming. They kept reoccurring throughout the day. It was tough to resist. Decided to re-watch koyanisqaatsi one more time. After watching cravings came back and for a moment I was seriously considering dedicating this day to some computer game. In the end I managed to foresee the consequences and understand that I do not truly want that. In the evening I meditated again. After sit I thought a lot about letting go. Today most of my commitments were tested multiple times. Mindful eating: Breakfast - totally forgot about it. Lunch - remembered half way through the meal. Dinner - same as lunch. Fingers cracked 2 times. DAY 51 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute meditation. Kept coming back to the idea that it is shortsighted to sacrifice one's authenticity for something that you think you might get from other people by not being who you are. This is an important idea to work on. Today was my girlfriends birthday and we went to a vegetarian restaurant. Food was delicious but something happened in my stomach. Food just stood there for 3 hours. I am going to meditate now but I can not sit cross-legged right now. Lol. Ironically that it is what happens when I finally decide to try some vegetarian food. Not very encouraging. Meditation was very challenging. I felt pressure on my chest, that kind of pressure that used to cause panic attacks for me and my mind kept spinning. Despite of that I kept refocusing on my breathing and had some very pleasant emotions when I understood how difficult it is right now to meditate and how much dedication I am showing when ignoring all the negative circumstances. Mindful eating: Breakfast - started slowly ended fast. Lunch - partly mindful. Dinner - Partly mindful. Fingers cracked 3 times. DAY 52 20 minute yoga in the morning. 20 minute yoga at work. 25+20 minute meditation. During the day thought a lot about "letting go". I experienced moments where my life looked a bit like a movie. I felt negative emotions but I was not as attached to them as usually. That is actually the main thing that I noticing lately - the gap between awareness and emotions is increasing slowly. Same is with the gap between awareness and thinking. Slowly. Very slowly. Meditation was difficult today. At one point I thought that I forgot to start my timer and decided to check it - there were 5 minutes left to go. Few hours later before sleep I decided to do another sit, because I felt tension in my body and pressure in my chest area. Lasted 20 minutes. Felt a bit better but still restless somewhere deep inside. Mindful eating - a little bit of mindfulness with every meal but still eating too fast. Fingers cracked 2 times. DAY 53 20 minute yoga in the morning. 20 minute yoga at work. 25 minute meditation focused on sound. 25 minute breathing meditation + visualization. What is this craziness with meditation you may ask? Today started my meditation courses that I registered to a while ago. There will be 7 lessons, in each of them there will be 2 different kind of meditation techniques introduced. Teacher seemed legitimate. 18 participants. It was the first time I experienced group meditation. After the first session I opened my eyes and almost laughed. I kind of forgot where I was so there was a moment of surprise when I saw all those people sitting in a circle. I tried staying open minded, some of the things seemed a bit woo woo but I was focusing on what is useful for me at my current stage of life and there was plenty of stuff to learn. First of all, meditation has stages. It is recommended to have an "intro" an "outro" to your meditation. I have already downloaded a timer designed especially for that. Intro is all about relaxing which I often had problems with. I got some tips how to relax and also how to make sure your sitting posture is correct. On top of that teacher demonstrated various possible meditation poses. I decided to stick to the one I was practicing until now which he called "turkish sitting" and some other word I do not remember. I want to sit cross-legged with my knees touching the ground but so far I am unable to do that. All in all, it was a good experience. Looking for the next lessons where I will learn about Zen, Neti Neti, Sufi, Mantra and some other words I have no specific meaning attached to. Mindful eating - same as yesterday. A bit of mindfulness and a bit of fast pace food obliteration. Fingers cracked 4 times. DAY 54 20 minute yoga in the morning. 20 minute meditation. The anxiety. The worry. Overall I can say that it was handled better than usually. I was focusing on accepting the feeling and tried not to resist it though I admit efforts were not entirely consistent. Today I went for lunch with my co-workers. Attempted mindful eating and tried to slow my pace down. Despite the intentions I finished my lunch first. Gosh I am fast eater. In the evening as a birthday celebration of my girlfriend we met with friends and later went canoeing. Ate well (avoided sugar), did not drink any alcohol but as we were canoeing I smoked 2 cigarettes. Came back home very late. Meditated at about 1:30 at night, forgot to use my new timer. I was exhausted and my back hurt. Ended meditation session after 20 minutes because of the lack of energy and concentration. Fingers cracked 2 times. DAY 55 20 minute yoga in the morning. 25 minute breathing meditation. I think I hit a plateau when it comes to smoking. I have no problem during workdays but during weekends I sometimes really want to smoke. There comes a question: do I resist smoking or do I avoid resistance and smoke? My emotional state welcomed smoking. I feel a bit tired and lost. Smoked 6 cigarettes today. This week was supposed to be extra focused on my detachment from smoking habit though I totally forgot that when I was smoking. One thing I should mention I do not buy cigarettes. My girlfriend smokes and that does not make my life easier. I had a period where I quit smoking for 6 months and did not struggle much. Now when I have someone close to me who smokes additional problems arise. Shiet. I used new timer for meditation today. It goes like this: 4 minutes for relaxation, 20 minutes focusing on breathing and 1 minute to feel the body and end the session. Really liked this format although struggled with sitting posture. At one point I had to stretch my legs. I will buy a pillow filled with buckwheat as soon as they restock (currently sold out). In meditation "class" they had pillows like this and sitting was very comfortable. Fingers cracked 0 times. DAY 56 20 minute morning yoga. 25 minute sound meditation. 25+25 minute breathing meditation. Attempted sound meditation. I am so used to focusing on breathing that I need some time to adjust. My mind wandered more than it usually does during breathing meditation. Few hours later I sat and focused on my breath. I have finally managed to relax. Finally! What a relief. It was not a complete relaxation though, there was something that still kept some tension going but mostly I was relaxed. Did not last very long though. Sunday was productive - spent 5 hours concentrated on the project. Smoked 2 cigarettes. Sat for another 25 minute breathing meditation to close the week. Fingers cracked 1 time. REVIEW OF WEEK 8 Goal review Quitting smoking - Failure. 3 days of smoking, 8 cigarettes. This is not much, I used to smoke twice the amount in one day but it does not matter. I might actually stop being so strict about smoking because I still do want to smoke sometimes. I know it is possible to brute-force it but it is not likely to be a long-term solution. Quitting any kind of contact with video games - Check. Limited social media time - Check. (facebook intensified advertising and that sometimes naturally makes me want to stop using it completely) Eating healthy - Check. Exercising daily - Check. (starting to feel more and more comfortable with yoga routine) Meditating for at least 25 mins everyday - Check. Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check. Healthy sitting posture - Check. (although I caught myself sitting like a potatoe couple of times) No excessive use of alcohol - Check. (no alcohol at all) No sugar in coffee - Check. Finger cracking - Check. (not perfect but alright, keeping the counter on until I get less than 3 cracks per week) No more porn - Check. Affirmation habit - Check. (not consistent) Mindful eating - Check. (I will give it a "green" because it is the first week but I this needs more mindfulness) Thoughts This week I often felt restless. Not always sure why but there is tension - a lot of it and often. I am more aware that my thinking is mostly negative and I got some insights about why it is the way it is. I grew up in the environment where I was always punished for things done wrong (very often I was not aware that something might be wrong) and I very very rarely got any positive feedback. I was focused on learning the "rules" so that pain can be avoided. The problem was that the "rules" were contradicting with itself. I always looked for logical explanation and focused only on the rational part of the problem. I was emotionally clueless and in my early years it has never came to my attention how significant emotions are. Under different emotional circumstances different "rules" applied. If parents were happy I could relax, if they are tired or conflicting with each other (which I saw a lot of in my childhood) no matter what I did some "rules" might be broken accidentally. Because I was not able to follow the rules and even if I tried I was not able to understand why rules are inconsistent I was ALWAYS focused on what could go wrong. Sometimes something I have done seemed to be completely fine by my standards but I knew that my standards did not matter much. I might be punished one way or another so I had to find the SAFEST way to do things. This is probably the main reason behind my neurosis. I always look for something wrong. Since I have always blamed myself more than the environment and accepted the bigger part of responsibility on my shoulders I became extremely self-critical and judgemental. My model of reality is incredibly distorted. I remembered few situations where people reacted to something I said as if I was very worried. I was surprised by that because I thought I was fine, I was not able to detect the emotion. If I worried less for me it used to seem like I am fine, like I am relaxed. Now that I am working on myself consistently and my soft addictions play smaller and smaller role in my life I am more AWARE of what I am FEELING. Now I just fucking feel like I can not relax ever. Right this moment as I am typing I am feeling some pressure on my chest and my shoulders are slightly tense. I relax my shoulders but minute later the tensions is likely to come back. As Leo said in this week's video "first three years of self-development might feel like you are regressing". Well, it does sometimes. I have sweet moments from time to time but the fact that I am putting more effort than ever and I mostly feel like shit is not an easy one to accept. I kind of want to say something like "god give me strength" lol. I am not religious and have never been religious but I sure could use some bliss or revelations. Goal adjustment — Focus on observing physiology and relieve tensions once they are detected. I have plenty to work on for now. Than you for reading, TakeCare Next update is planned on 2016.08.21

Materialism does not lead to bliss... but it's a pleasant misery. I think "Not thinking" about any of this is the best approach... Use Tolle's the power of now in this case. Drive your mind into the moment so hard that thoughts stop. Having this break can lead to an opening...maybe.

If a genie were to offer you a choice between $1 billion right now, with the one caveat that you will never become enlightened, vs. an offer of instant spiritual truth and enlightenment, you would take the money in a heartbeat, wouldn't you? Why is that? Because you're still connected to worldly desires, and you still believe they will bring you more happiness and fulfillment than enlightenment ever could. As long as your ego holds on to the notion that outwardly success is more fulfilling than enlightenment, you will always have inner suffering. At least, that's my understanding of enlightenment vs. no enlightenment. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and all that money didn't matter. But if you had enlightenment, you were prepared for that bus, and you achieved a state of bliss you would have never otherwise obtained.

And by the way, I've been there hundreds of times. Now every day I go there. The deep bliss of nothingness, ignoring all objects of mind, netti netti of the knower itself, and that knower, deeper and deeper experiences of nothing. There is another stage beyond what you describe, where it is the extinction of even awareness. This is called the Absolute. I'm sure I have been there, I know I am. But each time I come out of it, the ignorance is still there, and the suffering. So I know experiences dont mean anything, because the one "experiencing" is still some form of subtle ego, still some form of subtle duality. Because the experiencer has no way of recording the extinction of nirvana. We can never "experience" the Self.