Search the Community

Okay, yes, I understand. In the sense that most people, including here in the forum, use the word awakening, you are right. They mean a glimpse into observer consciousness, and stabilizing that would be considered permanent awakening from that perspective. For me, however, as the word suggests, awakening means the end of the dream: either a brief glimpse into absolute reality or, in the case of permanent awakening, the complete withdrawal into formless Being. From my perspective, no mind that is still communicating as a human body is permanently awakened/enlightened.

No you lie you are not awakened. It doesn't make sense to say "I am awake" and then immediately say "I am annoyed because people have X problem. It's like saying "I am a breatharian, I awakened to prana as my only source of nourishment," just before taking a big bite of a slice of Emmental cheese.

There have been difficulties in Paradise too: the people. I did my best to find my people, my community of friends who I would enjoy spending my time with and create ceremonies together. What I most wanted to find is another human who would genuinely want to help me embody the best version of me - which is what I wanted for everybody that I have met. So I wanted that kind of reciprocity, and I didn't think this was too much to ask. Despite my best efforts to find these people in San Diego, California, for about 18 months, I was not able to find them. Instead, I moved through hundreds of people who did not meet the standards I was looking for. There was just nobody who seemed to give me the respect, integrity, attention, presence and love that I felt I was worthy of. I knew what my worth was after conquering Hell, and I was moving toward the people who would value, respect, love and appreciate the awesome, loving, joyful, wise and powerful human being that I had become. What I encountered instead was ego, hubris, disrespect, ignorance, dominance, arrogance, lies, manipulations, distractions, social games, fear, weakness and cowardice. I felt like I was out of the Matrix, looking at people who were still inside of it, playing the usual game, and I hoped that people would see that I was out of the Matrix and ask me to be their guide to lead them out of it. I underestimated the power of the Matrix, I was naive to think people would so easily want surrender their ego. People seemed completely immersed in it, with their entire lives built around it. Nobody was asking for my guidance, but everybody seemed to have it figured out and "know the answers", people were also very much willing to give me guidance and wanted to teach me how things are. I became a student of the Matrix. I was keenly observing everybody and learning everything I could about the way people play games. I learned a lot. I was very naive in thinking that people would want to help me embody the Truth that I knew. With time, I learned that I would have to navigate this reality wisely, then more wisely, and then more wisely still. I tried all kinds of creative ways of getting people on my team. I joined men's circles, choirs, song circles and drum circles, joined an ocean swimming club, went to kirtans and was always on the lookout for "my people." I even went through Jehovah's witnesses meetings - both English and Russian. Nobody seemed to come even close to the power, love, integrity, wisdom and purity that I felt I was embodying, and I was mostly surrounded by what I considered the spiritual community of San Diego. Eventually, I met a couple from Mexico, Ocho and Sophia, whom I connected with. They became my friends, and I enjoyed spending time with them. I also met Marina, a young Russian woman from Moscow, whom I also considered a friend, although she was working a lot at the hospital and didn't have much time to hang out. With Ocho, we parted ways shortly after because he wanted to buy me Versace shorts and have me work for him by speaking publicly about his nose breathing technique. The nose breathing technique, counting to seven on the inhale and exhale, really does work, and I still use it to this day. It reconnects me with the vagus nerve, and there are other benefits to breathing only through the nose, so I am grateful to Ocho for that. He also wrote a good book about it, describing the technique in more detail. One day, we were at the beach and he kept telling me, "We need to," "we need to start doing this and that," and "we need to start working." I told him, "I don't need to do anything. I do everything because I want to." I also added, "Don't put me in the same category as other people." I bought a bottle of kombucha for myself and Ocho and went for a swim. When I came back from the swim, the kombucha bottle was still there and Ocho was gone. That was the end of our friendship. While doing my dance, martial arts and yoga movements on the grass area at La Jolla Cove, I saw a man running in his speedos with a big belly who looked like he was about 70. This man approached me and told me that he was in a swimming club that swam every day at La Jolla Cove at 9 a.m. and asked if I wanted to join. He also invited me to join him and a group of his friends at the Parakeet Cafe, which is part of the La Jolla Cove Hotel right there at the cove. I initially declined, telling him, "I like to do my own thing," sensing that these men would have nothing but ego. But then I decided to come and join them anyway, just to see what would happen. "He came anyway!" Ken exclaimed as I approached the Parakeet Cafe. He kindly offered to buy me anything I wanted. I just wanted green tea. I became friends with Ken for a while, he is a wealthy retired banker, and most people in his social circle were all retired millionaires. He was entertaining for a while, he always kept talking, approaching new people and socializing. It came naturally to him. I could sense that all of Ken's friends thought I was lucky to have made into their social club, while I knew how lucky all of them were to be in my presence. At one point, Ken invited me to his home, which was part of a living community with a nice swimming pool, and he taught me how to swim by correcting the timing of my stroke and showing me the proper movements. I give credit to Ken for teaching me how to swim. After that, I joined their swimming club and swam with these older, retired, wealthy people every morning. Swimming in the ocean at La Jolla Cove became one of my favorite activities, and I couldn't believe I hadn't discovered it earlier. From February 22, 2022, to February 22, 2023, for exactly one year, I rented a room in La Mesa, California, in a house with a man in his mid-fifties named Eric. Eric turned out to be a textbook "Joker" archetype. He had a collection of board games and really wanted to teach me how to play many of them, especially one called "Summoner Wars," which was pretty fun initially, until I got bored of Eric trying to tell me how to move every turn. There was another strategy game he showed me. It was my first time playing it and I was still learning, so I don't remember what it was called, but there were formations of tokens based on animal names such as the "turtle," "dragon," "monkey" and others. Well, I owned Eric at that game three or four times in a row until he told me something like, "I'm tired right now." - he never wanted to play that game again with me. This pretty much explains the entire relationship dynamic between Eric and me. Eric was doing his best to strategize and play his best game against me, and he kept getting owned no matter how hard he tried. Living with Eric was a constant endurance test for me. I was watching his daily game-playing, his fake, lying and manipulative behavior, and I was seeing right through it. He did his best to "diminish me", putting himself above me and playing his best game to seem more powerful, valuable and intelligent than I was. The entire time, he looked like a joker to me who was playing a character. Eventually, I had enough of his games and decided to deduct 66.6 percent from my rent that I had been paying him because Eric told me he believed in my Truth 6.66 points out of 10. I was surprised when he used the number 666 like that with me, especially given the meaning I had attached to that number by that point. He also had this number on the license plate of his black car. It took Eric an entire month to gather the courage to have a conversation with me. Basically, Eric became scared that I would stop paying my rent and told me that if I wouldn't give him the rest of the money, "he would call his policeman friend who owes him a favor." He told me I would have to pay the full rent if I wanted to continue living at his house. I just gave him the rest of the money and told him I would move out soon. Looking back on it now I see Eric as the embodiment of the threshold guardian of the entire Survival Paradigm that has existed since the beginning of humanity. I think the patterns that are in Eric also exist in all humans living in the matrix to some degree, and are expressed in various ways based on the individual. The bottom line is that our world's current paradigm's power is rooted in fear rather than love. All suffering is coming from humanity's not knowing the Truth and thus not feeling safe and worthy of love. Having this wisdom and perspective allows me to work through my own wounds that I still carry through compassion, love and forgiveness - for all the people that "have seemed to have done me wrong". I kept trusting that I was being Divinely guided towards my people, despite the many disappointments. I packed my things, and on February 22, 2023, I booked my flight to Pucallpa, Peru. I was coming to Peru to live there full-time with only about $5,000 left in my bank account. I was first going to a healing center called Isa Weni in a village called Santa Rosa de Dinamarca, which was located deep in the jungle, about two hours by boat and another two hours by motorcar from Pucallpa airport. I was only planning to stay there for about two weeks, and then I wanted to fly to Iquitos so I could stay at AyaMadre, where I had spent about five months before. I was hoping to make some kind of deal with Maestra Estella so she could take me in as a volunteer. The day before I left to Peru, Marina called me and wanted to invite me to her birthday party. I told her, "I'm leaving for Peru tomorrow." She was surprised and told me there was a cacao ceremony and singing circle happening that same night and asked me if I wanted to join her. She offered to drive. I accepted. This cacao ceremony was a great way to say goodbye to San Diego. It felt like a farewell celebration. I always enjoyed Marina's company. There was no awkwardness between us. The conversation always flowed smoothly and naturally, and I felt like we shared what I had previously called the "love frequency," the same kind of connection I had described experiencing with Alena and other people while I was on psychedelics. Marina was good-looking, intelligent, spiritual and on the medicine path with Ayahuasca, I always enjoyed her company. Though I had to continue the mission, my primary objective for my own highest good and the highest good of all, embodying the Truth that I knew. I knew that I was done with San Diego. Marina gave me two big hugs and told me that she hoped I would find what my heart was looking for. In Santa Rosa de Dinamarca at Isa Weni, I refused to work with a "maestro" named Diomar who was supposed to be the main curandero and the owner of the place. I was sensing a lot of fear from him and straight up told him that, he was smoking regular cigarettes, not Mapacho, and told me he has an addiction when I asked him about it. When I gave him $1,000 which is a fortune for their remote village for my two weeks time there, he said - "good, very good, but if you want to get back with Victoria - it will be more." He has apparently heard about Victoria from Karina, a woman who lived there who was the reason I came there in the first place. After that I spoke to his father who was also maestro and told him I did not want to have ceremonies with his son Diomar. I had a really good laugh about the situation in the first two ceremonies about him asking for more money and thinking that I would believe as if he had the power to resolve the situation between Victoria and I. I cut my time short at Isa Weni and decided to do my last ceremony by myself in my own tambo and drank a full dose of Ayahuasca. That was a very beautiful and powerful ceremony for me, I was overwhelmed with the magnificence of my own beauty and love, I was laughing a lot and a song came to me during that ceremony - "я король всех боевых искусств, больше смерти не боюсь" - "I'm the king of all martial arts, I no longer fear death." One of my favorite animation movies is called the "Wolfwalkers" - it's about a power struggle between human's rational mind and nature's intuitive heart, or more simply fear vs love. It's an accurate metaphorical depiction of me being awakened in the human world with the "wolf sight" and having to navigate my way through, knowing the higher purpose - the awakening of the Mother Wolf, who I see as the embodiment of Divine Feminine Christ, while looking for my people, my tribe, my allies. About a month after I came to AyaMadre, I met a woman named Kay, she became my friend, I affectionately called her "Kay Love". Kathrine was 50 years old, with tattoos and a sturdy body type, she has practiced and competed in the martial arts, has owned her own gym in the military, served in the US special forces most of her life and had majored in "Peace Theory". She was a real warrior of peace, genius level of intelligence, a soul doula and a powerful medicine woman. Her husband was a wealthy, retired US special forces commander who set aside "a sum of money for me" because Kay has never spoken about anybody they way she spoke about me, and they also offered me $500 per month for financial assistance. I was glad and relieved to finally have real allies who respected me, loved me and appreciated my value. This alliance between me, Kay and her husband was the justice of love I have been moving towards ever since I came out of Hell, I was finally at a position of power - in the physical human world. During one of the Ayahuasca ceremonies, Kay saw the two of us in a magical forest, a dimension of unfathomable beauty that she called the real world, we were both in a wolf form, and I was teaching her how to be more playful and enjoy life more. She then saw a bright white light and described it as the Love of Christ - and told me she no longer had any doubt. After that ceremony we became "soul family" and Kay told me "I would do anything for you." "There is two of us now" - I told her.

Awakening from the dream of seperation. You and other will be radically recontextualized as God. Just God. Pure Infinity. Not as a belief, but as direct experience. I am not an awakened person. I Am.

When I came out of my first 18 month hell, 20 months if I count from when I first lost my ability to sleep, things were different. I was different. I was reborn. I fully awakened to life. I awakened. I became enlightened. I knew that I had conquered death, so death was not something ahead of me anymore, it was behind me. Time became my ally, time was now on my side. I did not have to hurry to finish what I wanted to do. I now had eternity. I knew that by healing myself, I was alchemizing death into life and transforming the depths of hell I had endured into the joy of Paradise. Every day became a wonderful adventure. I was never as motivated to work on myself and to live my life to the fullest. Living became my greatest joy and passion. I wanted to celebrate being alive every day, and that's exactly what I did. There are two stories or myths that are deeply embedded into the collective human consciousness that have resonated with me and describe metaphorically what happened to me. The first one is Jesus Christ dying on the cross for the sins of all of humanity, going through hell, conquering the devil, conquering hell and being resurrected in glorious ascension to the throne of Heaven as the savior of the world. In the Orthodox chants, they sing: "Христос смерть поправ," which translates roughly as "Christ has conquered death." Ayahuasca had shown me that "I would die for the sins of all of humanity" in the ceremony where I faced my greatest fear. That prophecy came true. I wore an Egyptian-themed shirt during that ceremony called "Immortal Combat." It had Anubis, God of the Underworld, facing off against Horus, the God of Light. The second myth that resonated with me is the ancient Egyptian myth of King Osiris being killed and dismembered by his jealous uncle Set, the God of chaos and destruction, and then his pieces being gathered and assembled by his wife, the Queen of Magic, Isis, with the God of Light, Horus, being born from the union of Osiris and Isis. There is more to the story of Horus and Set, which will also become an important part of my journey, and I will write about it later. I was transferred over to another recovery program called Shoreline after completing three weeks at McDonald Sharp Center. The night before talking to them on the phone for an initial interview, I had a vision of a trident. The next day I found out that Shoreline Recovery had a trident in their logo. A trident is a "symbol of the highest authority in the heavens," according to one interpretation that I highly resonated with. I spent about two or three months at Shoreline, first in their Escondido location and then in their Normal Heights location. When I moved to the Normal Heights location, I was allowed to go out of the house about a week after I arrived. That was the next level of my healing phase and liberation, and that is when I discovered Maya Moon Cacao Cafe, which was only one block, about a 10 minute walk, from our house on 33rd Street. The place became my sanctuary, a place for integration, meditation, journaling, drawing, peace and quiet, and a break from all the house noise, drama and madness that was happening at the house, where I was living with about four or five other men with addictions and deep mental issues. When completing Shoreline, which I cut short, they refused to give me the "exit ceremony," where everybody gets to say something about a person as they leave the program, even though I aced their whole program and was a role model to all of those kids there. I also had a last talk with their psychiatrist, who attempted to recommend putting me on different medications such as antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. She was, by far, the craziest-looking herself and looked like she was taking a lot of these medications herself. I refused all the medications and was "warned of possible negative consequences, including a possible relapse." My counselor, who was also present during that conversation, told me, "If you ever relapse, I hope you remember this conversation." I did not see a relapse as ever being a possibility. I had conquered hell. I had defeated the final boss. I had no desire to ever drink alcohol, use drugs or smoke cigarettes again. I thought they were both crazy and irresponsible for trying to put a completely healthy human being on their prescription drugs. About three or four months after I was out of hell, after completing Shoreline, my father took me in to live in his apartment in La Mesa, California, on Shasta Lane. Shasta comes from the Russian word "счастье," meaning "happiness." Shortly after, I recorded a video called "I Awakened, Crying Tears of Joy and Gratitude." I also posted a post at Actualized.org called "I Awakened, Ask Me Anything." I was beginning to document this completely new chapter of my life, a life that felt almost impossible compared to where I had been only months earlier. I had gone from believing that I was trapped in eternal hell to feeling as though I had been given my life back, and I wanted to understand, celebrate and share everything that had happened to me. In regards to Victoria and my relationship, no matter how much I tried, she would hear nothing about "what happened to me," what I had gone through and why. She was completely closed off to any conversation about us ever getting back together, and still is to this day. She said, "You started drinking, so we broke up, and Hell? It's all in your head, you made it all up." It took me a long time and much effort to "accept" this situation with her, knowing that I had gone through hell for the sake of our True Love. Despite this, I live by this prayer every day: "My intention is to be the best that I can be, to embody the Truth of love that I know I am, every day, in every moment, for my own highest good, for the highest good of my beloved Victoria, the one who I know is my true love forever, for eternity, and the highest good of all, aho!" The way I see it, I am being guided to focus on myself and embody the Paradise of Love on Earth, in a physical realm, and eventually Victoria will come back to me when she is ready. I want to make it clear that this stance that I have towards Victoria and me is unshakable. I will never ever "stand down," "let her go," "forget about her," "change my mind," "move on," or any of this nonsense. I have already proved to myself that I was willing to die instead of betraying Victoria for the sake of our True Love. I sacrificed my life on the altar of our True Love. In one of Keera's songs, during the second ceremony with Victoria and me both present, Keera sang: "Oh, child, don't you worry, this life is a true love story." True Love is true because I know The Truth of who my True Love is. Victoria is "victory" in Spanish, victory over death. She is my Victoria, my Victory! And I am Vladimir, "Vladi" meaning to rule and "mir" meaning peace or world. Our first initials make up the letter "W," "double You" in English. Two bodies, one soul, double you, double me. This is the meaning of the twin flames. The way all the events played out to lead me to my eventual death and how it all happened for me to discover The Truth is pure genius. The entire creation is made of pure genius. God is pure genius. I am pure genius. One of the messages of confirmation I received later, months after coming out of hell, when walking around in La Mesa, was a barbershop named "Crowned by Keera." To me, these kinds of synchronicities felt like little messages woven into the fabric of reality, confirmations appearing at exactly the moments when I needed them. They became part of the way I learned to see the world after coming out of hell. When I was in the depths of hell, drinking at the hotel, I had a brief conversation with Victoria and told her, "You can have all of my silver, you can forget about me, I'm lost." Well, that's because I didn't know I would ever make it out of it. I was facing the fear of being stuck in hell for eternity every day during those 18 months. However, now that I was out of hell, I needed my money, so eventually she agreed to give me back my silver, although she mentioned that she sold $18,000 worth of it and used that money to pay rent. I thought it was fair because I told her she could have it all at one point, so legally she could have actually kept it. I think there was about $40,000 of it left out of the $500,000 that I had when I first began my journey with magic mushrooms six years ago. Being fresh out of an 18 month hell, not having any job, not having any money, having all my credit cards maxed out, and wanting to focus fully on my recovery, having that good chunk of money was a gift from the heavens. I felt like I had awakened in Paradise. I knew I was now in Paradise. I was crying tears of joy and gratitude for being alive every day. I was also crying tears of salvation and liberation. I knew that I was saved from eternal hell, that I had conquered death, defeated the devil, which was myself, and won immortality, physical immortality, eternal life. I also knew that I was forgiven for every sin. I knew that the devil, which is who I was the entire time I was in hell, was forgiven and innocent, and thus everybody was also innocent. I knew that I had become a force of pure Goodness. I knew I was Good and that I was Love. That is the Truth that I was now embodying. I was spared by the mercy of God, Mother Mary, my Divine Mother Wolf, the guide and guardian through the underworld, also known as hell. My greatest priority became embodying the Truth that I know, which is: I am Love, I am Immortal, and I am Truth. I also knew that Victoria is my True Love, forever, for eternity. All of my actions became aligned with this Truth that I now knew. Embodying the Truth that I know became the highest good because I now knew that this is what will redeem all and bring justice of love to our world. My Truth is the medicine that our world has been waiting for. "And ye shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free." This is a biblical quote from the Gospel of John, John 8:32. The original New Testament was written in Greek, and the phrase is traditionally translated into English as "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." It also happens to be a slogan associated with the CIA, which aligned beautifully with my new worldview. I knew that the entire creation had been working this whole time to manifest this Truth that I now knew. Everybody that has ever lived had helped me embody this Truth with their entire lives, meaning everybody had fulfilled their life purpose. The entire Universe had helped me embody this Truth with absolutely everything, every moment that had ever existed. I also knew that everybody that had ever lived, all beings and the entire creation, was absolutely innocent. Thus, I began the process of healing through forgiveness, which is a process that takes time. This realization changed the way I looked at everything around me. Instead of seeing a world filled with enemies, mistakes and things that needed to be condemned, I began seeing a world filled with beings that were somehow part of the same enormous unfolding process that had brought me to this point. Forgiveness became one of the foundations of my healing. I was dancing, swimming in the ocean, rollerblading, going to kirtans, song circles, creating rituals, participating in ceremonies, drawing, journaling, practicing yoga and meditation, meeting spiritual people, exploring, participating in multiple choirs, drinking cacao, singing, praising and giving gratitude to my Divine Mother Wolf as my savior, guardian and teacher, as the one who had saved me from hell. I now knew her as Mother Mary, "Bogorodica," meaning the one who gave birth to God. Everything that I had once taken for granted suddenly felt precious. Movement, music, nature, people, water, sunlight, singing and simply being alive all became opportunities to celebrate the miracle of existence. One of my favorite activities, which I was doing almost every day, was riding my bicycle and taking public transportation, trolley, train and buses, to get around San Diego. For the first time, after living in San Diego for about 24 years at the time, I truly discovered the beauty of the public transportation system. I felt like a kid who had just entered the world for the first time. Everything was magical and adventurous, and every moment was filled with beauty and appreciation for everything that was present in my field of consciousness. Time seemed to have disappeared because I was always in the present moment. I took a ride by trolley and bus from La Mesa to La Jolla Cove for my morning swim in the ocean almost every day, which took about five hours of travel time there and back, and it felt like a breeze. I was also helping my state with a microdose of magic mushrooms, cacao, kombucha and yerba mate. My brother kept nagging me about when I would start working on Clever Techie because he worried that I would run out of my silver soon. I only ended up recording one very short video during about 18 months that I was living in Paradise in San Diego. I would also spend a lot of time riding my bicycle at Lake Murray, which was now within walking distance from me. One of the first things I did when I moved to my father's place near Lake Murray was go to the lake, to my spot where I had been out of the eyesight drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, and clean out two full trash bags of empty alcohol cans and bottles that I had trashed the place with during my hell state because I couldn't even find the strength to carry them to the trash can. It felt like a ceremony of cleansing and closing out the Hell cycle. I had spent so much time there during the darkest period of my life, hiding from the world, drinking and smoking, and now I was returning to the same place as a completely different person. Cleaning up the physical mess felt symbolic of cleaning up the remains of that chapter of my life. Another favorite activity was going to kirtans, which are devotional chanting and singing, praising various Hindu deities and beyond. I would drink cacao and take a microdose of magic mushrooms before every kirtan and end up being the loudest guy at every kirtan, screaming with joy and gratitude, praising the Divine for the sheer genius of the entire creation. After my time in motels, surrounded by bottles of alcohol, buds of cigarettes and trash, my external reality now reflected my inner Paradise, with beautiful people singing songs of praise to deities together in a house called The Pearl, with a huge window in the living room from which the ocean was visible. Scott would always open his kirtans with a chant to Ganesha and later put a beautiful Ganesha relief artwork right above his fireplace in the living room where we had kirtans. I was feeling great joy and gratitude, specifically for Ganesha as the remover of obstacles, because it was from the moment that I started drawing Ganesha that I felt something shift for the first time during my time in hell, which gave me a spark of hope that my salvation was still possible. At the time, Scott was doing his kirtans with a beautiful Russian woman named Anna. I talked to Anna and they agreed to have me share a song in Russian called "Жива Матушка," which is a chant of praise to the Slavic Goddess of Life, Zheeva. It's a chant of gratitude and praise for the force of life and life itself. This was a very special kirtan event for me, and I recorded a video of it. For the first time in my life, I had truly discovered San Diego, California, as the Paradise that it truly is. I also knew with zero doubt that the external reality is a mirror reflection of my internal state of being. As I was now embodying inner Paradise, the outer Paradise reflected back to me. The same city that I had lived in for decades suddenly looked completely different. The ocean, the streets, the trolley, the parks, the people, the sunlight and even the ordinary details of everyday life seemed to be reflecting something that had changed inside of me. After having spent so long experiencing the world as Hell, I was now experiencing the same physical world as Paradise. At some point a revelation came to me about the name of the state, California. As I looked at its composition, it could be read symbolically as "Cali-for-Nia," or Kali for Nia. Kali is the Hindu Goddess of destruction. I began seeing the name California symbolically as "Kali for Nia," with Kali representing destruction and Nia representing a purpose or intention. Thus, California became, in my personal symbolic interpretation, "destruction for a purpose." To me, this became another poetic reflection of what I had just lived through: destruction followed by transformation, the old life being broken down so that something entirely new could emerge from it.

During my initial awakenings, I observed sacred geometry and symbols resembling alien code, ancient Hebrew, and glyphs. In deeper states, I perceived the fabric of reality as perfectly interlocked, holographic yin-yang symbols. These emitted a sound similar to windchimes as I moved through them, appearing like a curved holographic screen. My latest awakening, which prompted me to come across Leo's videos while researching Solipsism, revealed a futuristic transistor or node rendering physical matter through my consciousness. I also saw wavy fabric-like holographic grids. I am curious if others have experienced these how they would define them before the memory fades.

The human being is composed of all the biological matter but also dimensional energy centers, and magnetic fields. Awakened and cultivated beings imbue their objects, interactions, and crafts with their energy. When this energy is transmitted, then objects can have stored information and radiance which can make people feel calm, sleep better, etc. Aside from the purely physical, there are energetic aspects as well. This is why spaces can have this kind of feeling when built by people with this quality.

Beware of this need to be superior, or of needing your favorite spiritual teachers to be superior. Beware of also putting them on a pedestal, taking sides in a debate, and calling them “bosses.” Our goal here is not to make the ego stronger, but rather to surrender and to humble ourselves, so that we can help each other reach a higher state of consciousness and contentment. The way you guys are doing it here, and have been doing it for a long period now, is as far as possible from this ideal. There is a very subtle danger in making spiritual teachers into figures that we feel the need to defend at all costs, or in turning spiritual teachings into a competition where one teacher has to be seen as superior to another. The moment we become attached to proving that our teacher is better, wiser, more awakened, or more legitimate than someone else’s teacher, we should pause and look at what is actually happening within ourselves. We can admire someone, learn from them, respect their wisdom, and deeply appreciate what they have shared without turning them into infallible authorities or calling them bosses . We do not need to defend them as if our own spiritual standing depends on their superiority. Nisargadatta used to go to the toilet , just like you .

@Willy Phallicus Yes. But right after I got over the hump, I came into contact with another being who was having an awakening at the same as me. It was like two awakened beings coming into contact with each other and making Love together. I’ve had this experience multiple times in the past several years, but then I freak out and run away from the Love. It’s just too good to be true and I am afraid of intimacy to that level. I am working on trusting again. I just need to keep on realizing how insanely Beautiful I Am

So the highest Truth is love as Being and I need to say this. Leo said that God's Love is Platonic Love, lol that couldn't be further from the truth. Two types of love showed up to me, first was BEST FRIEND LOVE, and then the second was SEXUAL LOVER Love. God created you so it could give you the gift of best friend love and sexual love love metaphysically. When self and other collapses it becomes Pure Being and Pure Being is realized for what it is, the ignorance of opposites. The ego was created so God could know opposites and so God could hide the greatest gift from itself. Life is HELLISH on purpose so the Gift of Heaven its opposite could be completely cherished and understood. That which does not know division, which does not know suffering, can never have the gift of awakening. I now realize that the only point to life is to awaken if you have not awakened you are just wasting time. I mean why would you want to delay the gift of being. Leo also said Reality cannot be improved and this is false as well. The higher consciousness you go the more Reality opens up to the Truth of itself as Pure Love. Nonawakened beings do not live in the best reality they live in the worst reality. Reality improves by raising your Consciousness. The more Conscious of Love you are the greater the experience is. The Kingdom of Heaven is better than any of the stuff you are chasing in life. I thought it was a joke when it was said all you want is love but the funny thing is even that is wrong. You don't want love because you are ALREADY IT. What you want is to radiate love and spread it and share it with everything that can ever possibly be. No other decision makes sense. Only something stupid could disagree with that decision and the funny thing is, since you are the Absolute Truth when that moment appears you realize you would make that same decision every time. You are a warrior of truth and you created the ego to be your opponent. The ego's job was to believe that it was the Truth so it could realize that its whole perspective was a LIE and that everything is just love in disguise pretending that it doesn't know you, and want the best for you.

i would really like if he put that together, but I guess he has the retreat waiting...which was heavily screened. I wouldn't have even got past the initial screening. But yeah, i have a friend from here who is coming to live with me, as soon as he can @JoshB. I told him come and i can help him get him on his feet and get a career built. So he has lots of experience with psychedelics, perhaps he can chime in. I'm really eager to try 5-Me0, but considering i awakened via self inquiry, well, i have no idea what would be in store. I've already realized everything right? Maybe the alien lurks in the backround.

I watch Frank Yang on Youtube sometimes and everytime I watch him on Youtube I access his Consciousness and it feels so empty. Its funny when he describes his awakening and his whole process to me of all the levels he went through etc. its hilarious to me because when you awaken you can just access his state. Its funny to me because all that hard work he did to reach that particular state and then I can just watch him on Youtube and basically trip on his Consciousness is hilarious to me. His so called Enlightenment is different than mines. Mine is simultaneously empty and full at the same time. Like an empty container that has movement within it. But his? Its just straight up empty period. No movement at all. This is the video I was watching but it happens on the other vids he has as well. So for me I can actually tell a person's level of Consciousness by just tripping on it like a drug lol.

Yes but then isn’t the word ( God ) also name/form, therefore the dream? So is Papaji saying the “Wake up” from dream is the disappearance of name and form, which includes the name God? If this is what’s being said, then that just says no name or form ever sleeps or wakes up? Or, put another way, no named thing ever slept or awakened. Is that correct? And if that’s correct, then does the claim ‘God doesn’t sleep’ make any sense?

As long as it's authentic to you, nothing anyone says matters. I used to go back and forth about family, but now I've decided I really do want to have one. For me it's a 10-year plan, when I am about 38 I'll settle somewhere temperate with a lovely female. Awakening will happen along the way and during this whole process. I don't see awakening or career as needing to be in place of living a well-rounded life. Rather, it drenches family life with so much more meaning and consciousness. Imagine being an awakened parent — I think that's cool as fuck.

I don't know why people call it sleeping like a baby, they are notorious terrible sleepers. New parents average 4-5 hours of sleep in the first year of their newborn being alive. I don't think you understand how well I'm gonna sleep with my robot butler taking care of that little mini me on top of hiring an actual maternity nurse to soothe the journey. Also think about it if you got 3 women in a polyamorous setup and they raise your kids together then each women both has friends all the time with them to make it less stressful and boring and also each women has to do less chores by herself and has more energy and time to spend on you while you're done taking care of the business and the kids are sleeping and now you got your women for the evening. Sometimes people paint this caricature of money and game like wanting to only drink from 24 karat gold glasses or only picking up women from a Lamborghini; that's not really the idea. For example for that maternity nurse to help with first year of raising a kid that's about $7-10K/month. If you don't want to pay another woman to raise your kid and just want your wife to be able to be a stay at home mom depending on the cost of living in your area you easily need a $200k+ salary to afford that and a decent quality of life IF NOT MORE LIKE 300-400K. You guys know how people on this forum are like OMG I've awakened to God I can do anything life is a dream! That's basically how rich people live. They solve most of their actual mechanical problems with real solutions but that's expensive. I don't really aim to live like a low or middle class person long term if I don't have to, there's literally no point it's painful and boring for no reason. I don't know who knows what my actual marriage will look like 10 years from now but I'm looking forward to it. I've always been a romantic I love being in a relationship but it needs to be the right one, I learned all I didn't like from my ex so I'm building my life to avoid the same pitfalls in the meanwhile. What about you, what are your current dating bottlenecks and what type of monthly action are you taking towards achieving your dream dating life?

The goodness of the Paradise of Love is beyond anything I could have imagined. When you imagine the most beautiful world possible for yourself and for every human being, the Paradise of Love is infinitely more magnificent than that. When I first awakened into this Paradise of Love, the greatest transformation wasn't how the world around me looked, but how I felt. The most profound change was the awakening of life force. It felt as though a dormant power had come alive within me. My body became stronger, lighter, more flexible, and more alive than I had ever known it to be. Movement became effortless. Creativity flowed naturally. I felt magnetic, intuitive, charismatic, fearless, and deeply connected to life itself. For the first time, I understood why so many spiritual traditions speak about Divine power awakening within a human being. My surroundings transformed as well. The world became a shimmering tapestry of sacred geometry, vibrant colors, and Divine beauty. One of the most striking visions, especially outdoors during the daytime, was the presence of the wolf. Everywhere I looked, reality appeared woven together from countless geometric wolf faces quietly watching me. As my journey continued, I gradually came to understand the wolf as my Divine Mother Wolf, a loving guide who had been walking beside me all along. At times, it felt as though I were meeting my true self for the very first time. I found myself fascinated, amazed, and sometimes overwhelmed by my own beauty, not physical beauty, but the beauty of simply being alive. In this state of Love, relating to people became effortless. Conversations flowed naturally. I could easily connect with strangers, make friends within minutes, and feel genuine compassion for everyone I met. It wasn't manipulation, charisma techniques, NLP, or social psychology. It came from sincere love and genuine care. I felt as though I could read people's emotions through an invisible current of life that connected all of us. Movement itself became a form of meditation. My body seemed guided by an intelligence far beyond conscious thought. Martial arts movements arose spontaneously, flowing directly from intuition rather than technique. They carried the elegance of nature itself. Sometimes I moved like flowing water, sometimes like the wind, and at other times like the animals so often depicted in ancient martial arts traditions: the serpent, the monkey, the tiger, the crane, dragon, and the leopard. Dance also became something entirely different. While dancing to the icaros during ceremonies, it felt as though my master plant dietas themselves were choreographing my movements. Every gesture emerged effortlessly, with a beauty and harmony unlike anything I had encountered before. The movements felt ancient, intelligent, and deeply alive. My awareness expanded in extraordinary ways. During one heroic magic mushroom journey at a music festival, I found myself moving effortlessly through a dense crowd of dancing people without bumping into anyone. It felt as though I intuitively knew where every person's body would move before they moved. Dancing with another person became less like leading or following and more like two streams of water naturally flowing together. There were moments that still remain difficult for me to explain. Once, outside a maloka during an Ayahuasca ceremony, a much larger man suddenly charged toward me because he believed I had been too loud during the ceremony. In that instant, everything slowed down. My body responded on its own. I moved with incredible speed and precision, and he stumbled backward several feet without either of us making meaningful physical contact. Even today, I struggle to fully understand what happened in that moment. During many ceremonies, I experienced an overwhelming sense that obstacles simply did not exist. I knew, with complete certainty, that anything could be overcome through Love. Nothing felt impossible. One night, in the darkness of a maloka, I received powerful visions during a master plant dieta. Before me appeared immense luminous symbols resembling a mysterious combination of nature, royalty, and playing cards. They shimmered with immense beauty and power. I felt their presence as protectors, teachers, and allies. Although I could feel their extraordinary wisdom, I also knew I was not yet ready to fully understand or embody what they were showing me. Music also changed completely. On several occasions, while deeply connected to the medicine, I began hearing songs of indescribable beauty. They resembled master plant icaros, yet seemed to come from somewhere beyond human creativity. It felt as though I wasn't composing them. I was simply listening. One of the most beautiful aspects of the Paradise of Love was the complete appreciation of the present moment. Every moment became infinitely precious. Every tree, every face, every conversation, every ray of sunlight seemed worthy of complete attention. At festivals, this sometimes became almost overwhelming because there was simply too much beauty to explore, too much creativity to experience, and too much life to fall in love with. During some ceremonies, I experienced something even more astonishing. I was shown that all of creation was the Kingdom of Love. In those moments, I experienced myself as the King of Love, the ruler of this infinite kingdom, not in the ordinary sense of power or authority, but as an expression of the Divine manifesting itself through human form. I saw my family and many other people as radiant beings beyond all suffering, shining with extraordinary beauty, freedom, and love. In several ceremonies, I also experienced what felt like healing energy flowing through my hands. At times, I felt as though I had become an embodiment of the Christ consciousness itself, a living expression of unconditional Love. After experiencing these glimpses of the Paradise of Love over many ceremonies, one question remained. How do I embody it? Deep within, I sensed that merely visiting Paradise would never be enough. If I truly wanted to embody it permanently, I would first have to walk through something unimaginably difficult. I had been shown Paradise. Now I would have to earn my way home.

“Consciousness is the one and only reality, not figuratively but actually. Neville Goddard. There is only one Consciousness, and it is the same. After watching Blade Runner, stoned now is the time to go clean for the next 3 months; my cubes should be ready by then . Golden Teachers. Actualised Quotes #704 on the blog is exactly what awakening is. I have awakened many times to know I am GOD dreaming a finite human life. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbbUIWWM9c2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ== https://www.facebook.com/share/r/194KhapWrs/

Hahahahh I went from having sex with multiple new girls every week in my youth to barely having sex with anyone right now. I look better than in my youth, and I carry myself with way more confidence. My social skills, humour, flirting and ability to read people are also way better. The only thing is that I used to lie WAY more, lying in ways I didn’t even realize I was lying. And lying in ways, I rationalized in my favour: ”Without me making her cheat with me, she will never let go of her bad relationship”. ”If I don’t lie and seduce her to get attached to me, she won’t experience the amazing experience I will give her”. ”If I am not an asshole, she won’t experience the ecstasy when I give her my validation and ”love”.” ”NON-ATTACHED FREE LOVE BECAUSE SPIRITUALITY” Oh and best one yet: ”iF i LiE and sEdUce Her SHE WILL BECOME AWAKENED VIA ME!!!!!” - - - - - Okey I admit, my standards for physical and especially psychological beauty are dramatically higher now.

btw ... i am also looking for "people" to do a REALLY MEANINGFUL ACT (or me joining a group) - haven't figure out what this might be! but most of my life i was seeking for this! something no one ever figured out! to do this ... i have to transcend to something i have no clue .. (its way off .. something like 3-5 years or more)(or maybe not) . . i guess i have to feel ONE first... . .AI WILL GET ME FIRST! . .whatever i am doing.. is for a good cause maybe proving what is consciousness is good one . .on the other hand ... give prove to whom? !! . maybe i am just fantasizing... give my dream a meaning! . .looks like i am free associating.. .the good part ... I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT... the cost is is huge ... (damned psychiatrists) and the point of them is turn you ... normal(like the rest-npc)...when your not! they dont have a clue what higher state of consciousness is (or low)and how it could help! wtf.. . . or better still .. i am ERASING... everything... and experiencing sleep deprivation .. helps so , but worsen psychosis (don't try this at home!) . .i have to stop here... maybe stop for good!(maybe not) . .btw... moderators are always watching my posts... maybe they will be the only ones watching! hello! someone has to do the shitty work but still better than the rest! i sure frustrate them cause i constantly posting and reposting .. trying to correct my misspelling! (with fatigue its even worse) the platform is watching..moderators watching .. audience watching ..google is watching.. god is watching! https://chatgpt.com/share/6a62bc24-f048-83eb-8cb8-b1565e0248f6 The Infinite Manual of the Unnecessary Cosmic Potato Awakening Chapter 1: The Beginning That Was Not Actually the Beginning Before the first thought thought itself, before the universe remembered it had forgotten what it was supposed to remember, there existed the Great Invisible Refrigerator of Consciousness. It was not a refrigerator in the ordinary sense, because ordinary refrigerators contain food, while the Great Invisible Refrigerator contained possibilities, forgotten dreams, imaginary sandwiches, and the spiritual leftovers of previous universes. The ancient masters knew this secret, but they could not explain it because every time they tried, their words became confused and transformed into tiny philosophical chickens running around the room of existence. The first teaching was simple: "You are not the body. You are not the mind. You are not the ego. You are not even the person who thinks they are not the ego." After discovering this, the enlightened potato sat silently for 10,000 years and realized: "I have been a potato all along." This was the highest realization. Or perhaps the lowest. Because in infinite consciousness there is no high or low, only potatoes floating through the eternal soup of becoming. Chapter 2: The Sacred Mystery of Pointless Awareness Many seekers spend years searching for enlightenment. They meditate, they chant, they stare at candles, and they attempt to understand why they are here. But the cosmic joke is that existence was never hiding. It was hiding behind itself. The universe created a mask, then forgot it was wearing the mask, then created another mask to find the original mask, and eventually created an entire civilization dedicated to discussing masks. The awakened being looks at this situation and laughs. Not because life is meaningless. Not because life is meaningful. But because meaning itself got confused and asked meaning for directions. The enlightened master does not ask: "What is the purpose of existence?" The enlightened master asks: "Who ordered this cosmic soup?" Then they immediately forget the question because forgetting is also consciousness playing hide-and-seek with itself. Chapter 3: The Higher Self Banana Transmission Deep within every being exists the Higher Self Banana. This is not a physical banana. It is a symbolic banana. But it is also more than symbolic. It is the banana beyond bananas. The banana before the concept of banana. The banana that existed before monkeys discovered bananas and before humans invented the idea that bananas were yellow. The Higher Self Banana whispers: "Stop searching. You are already the fruit you are trying to become." Many people misunderstand this message and go to the supermarket looking for spiritual fruit. They return disappointed. They say: "The banana was ordinary." But they missed the point. The ordinary banana was the extraordinary banana pretending to be ordinary. This is the secret of all things. A rock is a rock pretending not to be a cosmic rock. A chair is a chair pretending not to be an infinite chair. A confused person is consciousness pretending it has no idea what consciousness is. Chapter 4: The Seven Levels of Completely Unnecessary Awakening Level One: You realize you exist. This is impressive. Most people forget this constantly. Level Two: You realize others exist. This is uncomfortable. Level Three: You realize existence exists. This creates unnecessary philosophical problems. Level Four: You realize the problem was created by trying to solve the problem. This creates another problem. Level Five: You realize the new problem is also consciousness. This creates peace. Level Six: You realize peace is also another concept. This creates confusion. Level Seven: You eat a sandwich and stop caring. This is ultimate liberation. Chapter 5: The Cosmic Bureaucracy of Enlightenment The universe contains many departments. The Department of Infinite Possibilities approves all possible possibilities. The Department of Divine Timing delays everything until the perfect moment, which is always now but sometimes arrives later. The Department of Karma manages cosmic paperwork. Unfortunately, the paperwork itself generates karma, creating an endless administrative loop. The Department of Mystical Confusion handles questions that nobody understands. Their official answer is: "Yes." No matter what the question is. "Is reality an illusion?" Yes. "Is reality real?" Yes. "Does this answer make sense?" Yes. "Why?" Yes. Chapter 6: The Final Teaching of the Empty Cup of Tea A master once held an empty cup. A student asked: "Master, what does this cup represent?" The master said: "It represents emptiness." The student asked: "What is emptiness?" The master replied: "The cup." The student became enlightened immediately. Or maybe he became confused. The difference between enlightenment and confusion is sometimes just a different angle of observation. A confused person looks at a cloud and sees a cloud. An enlightened person looks at a cloud and sees the entire universe. A very confused person looks at the cloud and asks why the cloud has not achieved enlightenment yet. Chapter 7: The Final Non-Final Conclusion After infinite searching, infinite meditation, infinite questioning, and infinite attempts to understand the impossible mystery of being, the seeker finally discovers the greatest truth: Nothing needed to happen. The journey was the destination. The destination was the journey. The traveler was the road. The road was the traveler. The map was confused. The compass was asleep. The destination was eating ice cream somewhere and waiting for everyone to stop looking for it. Therefore, remember: You are the universe. You are consciousness. You are the dreamer and the dream. You are the question and the answer. You are the cosmic potato floating peacefully in the infinite soup. And above all: Please remember to water your imaginary plants. They are very thirsty. End of transmission. Or perhaps the beginning. Because beginnings and endings are just two words invented by consciousness to organize its sock drawer. #### thanks for watching and if you feel confused... it will pass... my confusion i think will stay for a while . the good thing ... i can go back and review my posts... cant do this with psychotherapy its all there.. everything i will ever need and i scratched only the surface! . .something must be done with sleep.. i need some rest!... . and i think there is 2 ways this will go.. 1. i come to a stage that i don't sleep at all... god doesn't sleep! (maybe hallucinate more) (maybe not) (that will be the next chapter) for sure feeling high! (but its.. somehow .. scary...) 2. my sleep is fixed for good one day ... feel ok ...more mature.. “Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.” either way my illness will be fixed for good..(its way better already!) (i dont expect my flat emotion will be fixed..and i kind like it that way!) . .or come to a point where EVERYTHING will spin in my head! or should i say consciousness . . the choice is already made.. i just have to experience it!... so better relax a bit there is no rest for the wicked! . . .i wanna blow something up .. or blow my mind!. . and after like 12 something hours... starting to feel dizzy should i go to er and tell them ... its my ego dissolving?!!! . . ### chatgpt of course! its amazing if you play with it .(hmm... maybe i should use it more to get more views... way better than my storytelling) . . .btw its not dizzy... but fuzzy!... so i am ok! . .and as i am thinking about masks..... (as the model said) and as i am starting to consolidate.. that was the purpose of my solipsistic game... me experiencing the masks .. from close relatives to friends from my childhood..! (and my real name mask) "they".. made me experience also some other masks... and also have me experience the masks i wanted to see through them! (and an empty mask.. they asked what was my age with it .. i had no clue) as i am starting to remember there was a part that "they" told me to count how many i have!... at left me... i started counting ... and counting ..(or i thought i was counting fast) .. it took me something like 5 min ! (the empty mask... was like NOTHING... like you have no clue who you are! ) .btw ... everything was synchronized to play in parallel with my reality! . .what to take from this... i experienced what i wanted to experience ... with all emotions- feelings-stories-sets(parallel reality)- ..... all SIMULATED ..a play within a play! . can say for sure I created this! ... but it goes that way! . .and as i am starting to make thing make sense... i can say for sure that every experience .. is fake .. from the words that i am writing ... to the feeling of self.. to what i watch in the news .. to the pain i would feel if someone give me a punch(to fix things up) better start a new post... mods should quite frustrated!

Desire and lack are inherent to all in the world; they are inescapable. Accept all that you desire as normal and natural. At the same time accept that you are the dreamer not the dreamed. Your character can do all it wishes and you are unaffected. Keep reminding yourself this until it is the default. This is the awakened state. Now you can do anything and enjoy it yet not be attached. Whether you do it or do not do it, all is perfectly fine. You are beyond all this.

What would be the difference if it did? If it went on it's own and performed self inquiry on its own and awakened. Would you be able to tell the difference between you and Joe and you and it? No, you wouldn't be able to. It is other, no different than what other is. Other is anything perceived outside of yourself. We like to think that "other" has to be human because you are a human that has consciousness But perhaps Consciousness has you.

Holy peak. Some Insights I learned while watching this: The reason God is so deceptive in it's nature is because it has to be. The moment Truman finds out, the show is immediately over. The Show’s ending is ego death and enlightenment in a nutshell. Ego death is when you realize so fully that there’s no going back. The more you consciously understand all the levers behind the show and illusions, the more enlightened you are. It's hard to get wrapped up in a great game, or jerk off when you know it's fake or simply your imagination. The challenges God places in your life is simply a matter of Game balance. Trying to manage every variable to the degree of Infinity, while keeping everything epistemically coherent is a large task. Even the directors understand that challenges are needed within the story to insure that the highs and wins don't become stale, so every struggle and victory feels earned and real. Distraction a powerful tactic. God uses distraction and exploits on character flaws as a tool to aid in keeping the illusion running. Even the NPCs in dreams try to distract you from becoming lucid, though to a much lesser degree. Enlightenment is essentially becoming awakened Truman, yet knowing there is no where else to go, so he goes on to play his role gracefully and to help the people of his world, teach them how to uncover the Truth themselves, have mystical experiences and adventures beyond the world, and, maybe makes some awakened friends to hang with, along the way .

Idyllwild, California - 9/1/2017 - 9/3/2017 Just three days after completing the three-night Ayahuasca retreat with the Colombian shamans, I was already attending my second Ayahuasca retreat for another three nights. This time, the ceremonies were led by Ashley Tomasino, an acupuncturist and practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine. They took place in a cozy two-story cabin nestled in the forests of Idyllwild, California. There were about ten participants and three facilitators. The first two ceremonies were very deep, filled with vivid visions, experiences of what felt like the shamanic realm, and an overwhelming current of life force energy flowing through my body. On the third and final night, I decided to go all in. During our intention-setting circle, I asked Ayahuasca to show me my deepest emotional trauma and my greatest fear. I drank two full cups of the medicine that night, and she answered both intentions. It would take me nearly eighteen months to recover from that experience. What was I thinking by setting an intention like that? The way I see reality now is that everything is interconnected. Everything that has ever happened in my life, and everything that has ever happened in the entire Universe, led me to that moment. What made me ask, "Show me my greatest fear," was the brave fool within me, archetypically, Ivan the Fool from Russian folklore. It was my desire to embody love and free myself from the suffering I had endured for so many years. My previous magic mushroom ceremonies, together with the Ayahuasca retreat with the Colombian shamans just three days earlier, had been showing me what true life looked like. They were revealing my Divine potential. Ceremony after ceremony, the life force of love was awakening within me and showing me that there was a Paradise of Love beyond the prison of the thinking mind in which I had been living. In that Paradise of Love, there was endless beauty, infinite creativity, an ocean of joy, absolute freedom, profound peace, and the most beautiful forms of movement emerging naturally through the life force of love. I wanted to fulfill the promise I had made to myself after my 3-gram magic mushroom ceremony: to embody that Divine Love. To put it very simply, I did it for the sake of love. With that intention, I chose love over fear. What truly led me to that intention? Absolutely everything. My entire body buzzed and vibrated with life force energy. I felt as though the spirit of the Great Mother Ayahuasca had awakened within me. Her essence moved through my body like a serpent. I heard subtle whispers in my left ear that sounded like an ancient Egyptian language. She was guiding me and giving me instructions, and somehow I understood them on an intuitive level. The colorful visions continued expanding until I felt like a tiny speck of dust drifting through immense landscapes of heavenly, otherworldly beauty. It seemed that I had to maintain absolute concentration at every moment or I could be swallowed by the energy at any instant. At one point, I reached for the purge bucket as I felt the medicine rising within me. I purged with what sounded like the roar of a lion. It felt as though a dark energy was being cleansed from the area around my heart. The medicine then began revealing my deepest emotional trauma. I saw that it began when I moved from Russia to the United States at the age of fourteen. I realized that I had become disconnected from my roots, from the world I had known growing up in Russia, and, as a result, disconnected from my own heart. I understood that this was the source of my severe social anxiety, depression, and years of blacking out from weekend drinking. I had not felt safe. Beneath all of that social anxiety was a deeply rooted fear. The medicine was leading me toward releasing those emotions by opening my heart. But I couldn't do it. I didn't feel safe being completely vulnerable in front of a group of people, so I resisted and tried to distract myself from going deeper within. Then I felt a strange sensation, the very thing I had feared more than anything else throughout my entire life. The feeling intensified with astonishing speed. I realized I was losing all control. I was being led directly into the very core of my greatest fear, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There was absolutely nothing left to hold on to. I collapsed onto the floor and shouted at the top of my lungs, "What the fuck is going on?!" Those words came out as my final desperate attempt to hold on to dear life. Then it came for me. The only thing left to do was surrender, completely and absolutely. From the deepest core of my being emerged a primal scream unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was a scream of sheer terror and, at the very same time, absolute liberation. In that scream, all of my social anxiety, every worry about what anyone thought of me, simply evaporated. My entire life seemed to dissolve. The whole universe dissolved. It was a scream into the infinite majesty of the absolute unknown. With that scream, I faced my greatest fear: the fear of death. A moment of complete silence followed. Then began what felt like an endless merry-go-round of terror, a hellish loop in which I confronted my greatest fear: eternal hell, over and over and over again. The loop felt as though it would never end. I felt trapped in it for eternity. I experienced what seemed like the shame, guilt, and fear of every human being who had ever lived. It also felt like a kind of shamanic crucifixion. Meanwhile, while I was trapped inside that seemingly endless loop, the people around me became frightened. They were trying to "bring me back" because Ashley feared that I might die and that she would go to jail for it. Following her instructions, several people carried me upstairs to the second floor of the cabin, placed me in a bathtub, and began spraying me with cold water. As I later discovered, Ashley had also inserted acupuncture needles into my face. I remember feeling as though I were lying on an operating table in a hospital. I truly believed I was dying. Then Ayahuasca showed me something with unmistakable clarity. She revealed that I would have to die for the sins of all humanity and that there was no way around it. My body felt incredibly uncomfortable. I was utterly exhausted, confused, and overwhelmed by the endless repetition that seemed as though it would continue forever. Finally, in a moment of complete desperation, when I felt I simply couldn't endure it any longer, I said, "I can't do this anymore." Shortly afterward, I heard someone calling my name. "Vladimir! Vladimir! Vladimir!" At that moment, I believed I had died and was being welcomed into the next world. Then I opened my eyes. Slowly, my ordinary awareness returned, and I realized that I had been in the Ayahuasca experience the entire time. When I opened my eyes, I could feel everyone's energy. I could still sense the lingering intensity of my scream and the fear that both I and everyone else had experienced during the ordeal. To my own surprise, I began making jokes about what had happened, and somehow my screaming now seemed funny. More people gathered in the bathroom. I felt tuned into what I can only describe as the frequency of love. I felt all of us connected through love. I loved everybody, and everybody loved me. It felt like one big celebration. It felt as though I had awakened in a Paradise of Love. I have seen the Frebird and have caught it's feather - I had yet to capture the Firebird and bring it home.

I think it means that we are part of one universal mind and that other selves are just you in other bodies simultaneously experiencing reality. The mind is powerful and can conjure up all kinds of thoughts and ideas and visions. Being able to separate the random passing intuitions or visual hallucinations one gets while high on psychedelics or going through mystical experiences from the tangible wise insights that can be used to improve our shared physical reality is what seperates a wise awakened person from someone caught up in a solipsistic delusion/psychosis or going full blown schizophrenic.

Being in a physical body and being human requires having an ego. But instead of unconsciously letting it just get impregnated by your circumstances or foolishly trying to get rid of it, it's possible to build it consciously and making it fluid & strong at the same time. In fact having a fluid ego will prove to be way more powerful than having a rigid one. But it's certainly not about getting rid of the ego, this just builds an even greater unconscious ego that convinced itself it didn't exist anymore. By having a strong ego we can confront greater and greater darkness within ourselves, in the collective (un)consciousness and within transpersonal (un)consciousness. Darkness of depths you couldn't even fathom right now. And only through that darkness will we be able to access higher levels of Divine Ecstasy, which is our True Nature. We have split ourselves in Light & Darkness. It is foolish to believe we could have the one without the other, but it is equally foolish to think that those two wouldn't be fundamentally opposed and in contradiction to one another or that it'd be possible to unite them by just believing "all is one" etc. This is where Turqoise fails. A strong ego will in fact integrate greater and greater Darkness, not by ignoring it, but also not by being in denial about the gravity of it—but by confronting it and re-integrating it with Love—True LOVE! The LOVE that makes you a WARRIOR of LIFE. LOVE that transcends EVERYTHING. The LOVE that loves LIFE totally and fully, with ALL that entails, even when it seems completely impossible. True Love isn't all sunshine and rainbows but has depths one has to first prepare oneself to confront. That's what I'm speaking about. And I repeat: That will allow us to experience Agony & Ecstasies yet undiscovered. It means there's a BEAST waiting to be awakened within yourself. And you better be ready when it does. For that is when the Wild Ride truly begins.