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About lilacwest

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    Washington State, USA
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  1. Unfortunately, I have been obsessed with someone many times. The person from most recently, I thought it would never end. It was incredibly fucked up and I felt I couldn't escape. Then my psychiatrist prescribed Olanzapine. It works. I never thought I'd see the day. If anyone suffers from an unrequited attraction, I recommend seeing a doctor to see if there is something to help you with the obsession.
  2. Mine currently are: Vernon Howard (he was my first) and a couple of his students, Guy Finley & Tom Russell Joey Lott Kyle Hoobin Jeff Foster Leo Gura
  3. @Simon Zackrisson The 2nd video you posted - the Duncan Trussell one - Depressed - Fight for your life - it really spoke to me and made me laugh too! I was just thinking earlier today after fighting suicidal thoughts off and on all week, that I regardless of how awful I feel, I want to fight to stay alive, and I want to stop feeling so bad that I wish I was dead. (BTW I actually have mood swings, so am depressed only half of the time). I'm going to try to keep fighting! Oh and @DrMatthewsausage I forgot to mention I will be having good thoughts for you. Even if you still depressed down the road, I will be having good thoughts for you and I truly wish you well.
  4. Hi @DrMatthewsausage I hear you. I know what it's like to be depressed and feel no one is taking you seriously. For me, it makes me feel like I'm not going to get any real help, if no one is taking me seriously. It's like I'm saying "I don't feel well" and everyone is like "Well just deal with it". - Never mind the fact that I could commit suicide if I just can't bear it anymore. Not that I'm in your exact situation, but it feels that way with some of the professionals I've worked with. Tonight a friend took the time to make me feel heard and it was so rewarding. I'm actually frustrated to hear you're not feeling heard or taken seriously by your family. I am a parent of an adult son, if he was going through what you are, I would be taking it very seriously. Please know that you are not alone, and I know how hard it is to deal with mental health issues.
  5. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments. I haven't been on the forum for awhile, have been depressed, and also it was messing with my head too much to think of the past and future as illusions. It still does, and I may elaborate on that later. For now, I want to say @FindingPeace wow that actually is really deep and makes a lot of sense! Thank you!
  6. What is Shadow Work?
  7. Excellent topic, I'd love to see this also.
  8. Your music tastes are exactly the same as mine Including the cherry picking, although sometimes an album will have more than one song I like. Do you have any favorite songs?
  9. This topic has been on my mind all week, and I was going to make a post, but writing what I have to say here will do just fine since you've already started the subject I would have called my topic something like "Balance - Self Actualization vs. Enlightenment work - the Swinging Pendulum" I started out the week eager to do both, self mastery and working on enlightenment. I had goals, some I have been able to stick to. I decided to stick to the meditating every single day - I need to keep in the habit. So even if I'm not in the mood at all (like yesterday) I still did 10 minutes. But on normal days, I'm doing 15-20 minutes in the morning, and 20 minutes in the evening. Ok, so a few days in, suddenly self actualizing doesn't feel important to me. It feels somewhat egotistical. Or centered on the self I wanted to lose. At least right then it did (not now). All I wanted to think about was enlightenment, and losing the self. So I went with it for a couple days. Then, after thinking about nothing but enlightenment and kind of trying to "force" the situation, I got exhausted, and decided I could see the value of self-actualization after all. Not so that my ego balloons up. But I'd like to try being more productive, and accomplishing more creative goals. I'd like to read books that increase my skills. I'd like to overcome hurdles that in the past have blocked me from moving forward and finishing creative projects. Right at this moment, I do not see that as hindering my other desire to try and lose "the self". I guess the only way I can explain why is, I've decided to go with whatever I'm feeling most at the moment. I do not mean I plan to go back to my life of being a lazy person with no direction, I mean I plan to have goals for the day that help both my desire for self actualization and my desire for enlightenment. Such as meditation, and working on my skills. Also reading other books that help me improve my life. And then, be more focused on whatever I feel closest to at that moment, or that day. So if my mind is more on enlightenment, be more focused there. If I'm more focused on self actualization, I'm going to go there. I thought of it as a pendulum swinging, that is kind of how I feel, or I thought of breathing, breathing is not static. There are inhales and exhales. Back and forth. Part of me agrees with Leo, to start with Self actualization or mastery, and enlightenment will naturally follow. I have decided it is healthy to be grounded in something productive anyway, I mean we have to eat, sleep, pay our rent & bills, and I may as well try to turn a hobby into possibly something more. And enjoy the feeling of creating something and possibly inspiring people. And then I read something today in one of Vernon Howard's books, The Power of Your Supermind "Our first responsibility in life is toward our inner awakening. Unless this is done, we are working in the wrong order. Half the world's grief is caused by irresponsible egotists who think they have a divine mission to be responsible for others. Only self-responsibility can develop that center from which genuine aid can radiate. Besides, there cannot be personal peace without personal responsibility." So, that's his take on it. (BTW I dn't agree with his entire sentence up there, I'm not sure half the worlds grief is caused by what he says, I do think a lot of the world's grief is caused by too much selfish focus in the world) Anyway I guess I DO think of inner awakening as the ultimate first responsibility. If I have that inclination first, I am thinking perhaps my self mastery will not lead to too many ego trips, and will be guided by something genuine and helpful to the world when I do increase my skills and follow my passions. I will be headed in the correct direction, is how I feel about it. So, what is everyone else's take on it? I can definitely understand the confusion, but am feeling a little more balanced and relaxed about it now.
  10. This then is an example of where compassion work (such as from Buddhism) would be helpful. I agree with @ZenTwizzle sounds like you were led a little astray, but you can pick up and try another approach.
  11. I haven't watched any of her videos until now. I will admit I avoided her because she seems very "new age". She did have some practical advice in the video. I will even be trying to apply the internal compass idea. The video I watched part of: How To Live A Life Worth Living - Teal Swan - I agree with the people that say when you watch her stuff, filter. Use the practical stuff, leave other stuff alone - as in use your own internal compass she talks about, and if it sounds silly or outlandish to you, trust yourself. Why I say this - I don't trust channeling one bit. (and several "new age" concepts) I used to listened to channeled stuff, years ago, and I realized a lot of it was BS, and you really don't know what this channeled entity is. I get a creepy vibe if I try to listen to it now, I would MUCH rather listen to someone who is authentically coming from a place where they are working on the spiritual path and enlightenment on their own, such as Leo. One author I do like, and I am not sure if it is "channeled" or not, is Paul Ferrini. Most of his material is helpful to me, so I do read his books.
  12. Interesting conversation. To me, it doesn't sound like you were becoming a sociopath, but instead heading towards an awakened state.
  13. The last couple days I'm having some trouble with this "philosophy" that the present moment is all there is. That the past and future are only illusions. Never mind the fact that in this present moment, I'm at my desk at home tying here on the Forum, and in some other present moment, I'm going to be sitting at my desk at work. I can kind of wrap my head around that. What's getting to me philosophically is if there is only the present moment, and no other moments, why am I not just enlightened right now? If we only can be enlightened in the present moment, shouldn't I already be enlightened? If there is only one moment, why do I experience two utterly different states of mind - ego mind currently, and enlightenment.....ah in the future? It's the only way I can picture it since I am not enlightened now. Am I making sense?
  14. Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. I agree, I think I may be trying too hard and I will be working on relaxing while I do it, and just observing my mind when irritation comes up. I am glad to hear other people are doing this throughout the day also! Also inspirational that some of you have reached a place where you are feeling neutral or even feeling good, being in the present moment.