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God really created hell for itself. I feel the same man. Suffering madness and hell without the bliss part :DDD This dream will end sooner or later ;d I will be free

There are many regular states that seem to be outside an average human's imagination. I'm in a state of bliss 24/7. But I have desires, suffering and madness.

I was contemplating on whether to make this trip report or not, because the mods had a spaz attack about a previous post I made, but this was such a powerful trip, that's radically changed my life, I wanted to share it anyway. This is a high quality post, and there's nothing in the guidelines that suggest it should be removed, so I'm not doing anything 'wrong' writing this, even if you remove it. Set I took a very high dose of syrian rue. Setting At my house The Trip Report At around 12am, I heard these alien like buzzing sounds. I looked outside, and couldn't see anything. I checked all around the house, couldn't find anything. Then finally realised it was coming from my ears. These buzzing sounds sounded like an alien spacecraft. I had this strange sense that the buzzing sounds were some sort of portal to a hyper dimensional world, and I had the sense that aliens were watching me and wanted to abduct me. They never did. The buzzing sounds got louder and louder. The question of what was about to happen pondered in my mind. Will I be abducted by aliens? Will the universe blow up? Will it just dissolve into ashes? At this time, I was starting to get freaked out, so I pulled myself together and just sat down and did some deep breathing exercises. This helped immensely. As time went on, my coordination got worse and worse. Never to the point I was crawling, but to the point I was stumbling a bit. My perception also started to get more and more retarded. Space started falling away, distance started warping, etc. And the fear of death was absolutely huge. Its been large with me sober recently, for some random reason, but this trip of course amplified it by 1000. My heart rate was massive, and the situation felt very uncomfortable. Because I wasn't expecting this trip to happen (especially at night), due to the fact that it was rue and not psychotria viridis or root bark, these effects caught me off guard, and that gave me a real great opportunity to persevere through something that would be immensely challenging. It gave me the opportunity to really test how capable I am at loving whatever arises. Can I love the buzzing sounds that are about to abduct me? What about the lack of perception? What about the feeling of vomiting (which was the entire night)? And at first I couldn't. I felt like crying, I really thought "how the fuck is it even possible I'll get through this? This must be impossible!". I was at the bathroom vomiting, assessing the situation. Remembering that who knows how long I've got because I didn't read up on syrian rue only trip reports. Will it be 6 like a normal aya trip? More? Who knows. At that time, I was even considering the possibility that the trip could go through to work. And how would I handle that situation? I was all alone, and it was dark. Going to the hospital was not an option. Getting a friend to help wasn't either. I'm apart of a psychedelic group (who are the ones that teach me protocols and shamanic and psychedelic techniques) and messaged them to help out. But unfortunately they were all asleep. I sat down, panicked, just observing the situation I was in. I had just hit rock bottom of this trip. This was when my inner demons, my traumas, fears, lack of acceptance of myself and the world, were all surrounding me, staring me right in the eyes. I was resisting death. I was resisting the alien abduction sounds. I was resisting my perception. I kept trying to hold myself together, "if I just keep distracting myself, I'll get through it", "if I don't think or feel the alien abduction sounds, they'll go away", "if I just keep thinking about my human self, it wont dissolve" And each attempt I made at holding myself together, the abduction sounds, dissolving of self, perception issues, kept growing larger at each attempt I did. I didn't want to let go, because I was too worried about being abducted, about loosing complete perception and going insane, etc. And considering I was embarking on a less known path (syrian rue only trip) the fear of what may happen, was even worse. And on my final attempt to hold myself together, a voice whispered "the only bad thing about this trip, are the projections and labels you're putting onto it" And that, ended up being a core teaching of this trip. From somewhere, I could not articulate where, out sprang some deep wisdom, a vision for how this trip could end well instead of bad, a voice that told me exactly what I need to do to make it through this thing. "You need to accept, love, appreciate, be grateful for whatever is arising" said the voice. "Whatever arises, is always, ALWAYS good, and the only thing making it bad, is you believing so". And with that message, came a radical reorientation for what that trip was, and what it was about to turn into. The abduction sounds, we re-contextualised, from scary aliens trying to abduct me, to being loving creatures, or the universe, just trying to teach me a lesson and help me. The lack of perception, was seen as beauty and infinity. The heart rate racing, was an opportunity for me to feel my heart and get to know it better. Instead of trying to get the trip to adapt to me, the voice taught me how to adapt myself to the trip. Taught me that no matter what arises, its ALWAYS, ALWAYS! An opportunity to grow, to learn, to practice love and acceptance. And that trip, almost instantly, went from being a hell hole, to being almost a paradise, without a thing changing. I was there, just recontextualising, recontextualising, recontextualising, everything. To turn it from hell to love. To learn from it, and to enjoy it. And in that moment, as I was recontextualising what ever arises, bang bang bang, like a love gun, I got a huge sense and feeling of a flow state. A feeling of "this is what I'm meant to be doing". It just felt so right. This is the point of my life. I'm meant to be doing this, with everything. And as I did that, massive hallucinations in my bathroom formed, they were like blocks waving back and forth, and then the whole room radically changed into a hyper dimensional rainforest, with 2 shamans looking at me. The voice kept saying "keep loving, keep accepting, keep learning" "let go" Until I realised, that voice, was one of the shamans. Staring at me, like I'm doing something, that's so important, so honourable, so worthy for the world. I'm learning to love whatever happens. I'm learning to make the most of the worst of worst experiences, and to enjoy it all. And that shaman, wasn't another shaman on the opposite end of me, he was me. me and him were like 2 tentacles of the same octopus. Different, but the same. I, as being both me and the shaman, was helping myself in this strange loopy way. He was teaching me how to vomit. How the horrible pain in my stomach, wasn't just random pain, but the symptoms of traumas of my past, and not loving myself enough. He showed me, at each time I spewed vomit, how I was purging childhood trauma. He was showing me how to love those traumas, how to accept them, and then how to let them go (spew them out). He was showing me how to walk, even when uncoordinated. He showed me how even when I'm in a state of mind where my coordination sucks, I can still walk, if I just let go, feel my body, feel the flow of the environment, and allow my legs and arms and torso work together to walk. He showed me how the traumas in my mind, affect my IBS, my sleep problems, my pains in my body. He pointed to the pain in my body, showed me what childhood trauma it relates to. He showed me all the damage to my body from the food I ate in the past, how that little pain I always feel at the back of my ear, is from the mcdonalds I had as a kid. He picked up that pain, and showed me the mcdonalds remainders. He showed me what it was like to be a shaman. How to be a proper shaman, its about letting go of all your thoughts, and loving what arises. Being in flow with nature, the environment, other people, and just submitting to the present moment on a deep level. The trip ended on a good note. What I learnt - no matter what I do in life, I'll never be happy and get what I want. No matter what career, relationship, etc I get, it will never make me happy. What will truly make me happy, is learning to love whatever arises. I've been shown, proven, QED to the max, that my point in life, is to love everything. Absolutely everything. And the most counter intuitive, and amazing thing I've been shown in this entire trip, is what I always wanted in my career, relationships and spirituality, wasn't attaining love or happiness, but was the capacity to love whatever I end up attaining. Its the capacity, not the attainment, that I always wanted. And that I now will always strive for in my life. And that's radically changed my views of my career and dating. And its radically changed how I see events that happen to me. I see them now not as mistakes, or accidents, or problems or issues. I now see them as an opportunity to create what I truly want: capacity to love. - Capacity for love is enormous. Things you thought you could never ever love, are possible to love. And you should always try to, because odds are, its possible. - Love is the answer to healing. To heal your body, mind and spirit, the most fundamental, and essential element to that healing, is to love those parts of your body and mind and soul. You can do western medicine, nootropics, ayurveda or vasi healing, but if you don't firstly love the areas of your life you're trying to heal before doing all the things in the above, then its like you're building a roof before the concrete. And in a lot of cases, especially mental, just loving itself is curative. - I think the most amazing thing about this trip, was how it radically changed from being hell to being paradise, all from me just choosing to love and to see what was happening in positive light. That trip at the beginning, had more suffering that I think I experienced when I was getting severely bullied in high school. And to see how it changed just from my attitude... wow. Just fucken wow. I so amazed at how an attitude, is such a key, the key, in being happy. I'll never ever forget that experience, and forget what attitude, acceptance and love really is. All it took for me to love this trip, was a moment. It didnt take a fancy car, girlfriend, some meditation pose, delicious food... All it took was a moment. Was a state of mind. Just a state where i accepted what happened. And what this trip showed me, is the best thing, the only real thing my career, relationships and spirituality can offer me, is a moment. Think about the times you were happiest in your career. It wasn't the money itself, it wasn't the body movements of typing at the keyboard, the only, and greatest thing your career can give you, is a moment. A moment where you're blissful, accepting reality, peaceful. That's what the money gives you, or pretends to give you, is that moment. The best part of your relationship? That moment, during sex or watching tv with her/him. Its that moment of bliss, peace and acceptance. Its something which, you have the power to attain right now, not by earning lots of money, buying stuff, attaining skills. Its simply attained by your attitude, an attitude to love and accept. So why, why grind through life, go through hell working 2 jobs, talking to shitty girlfriends, having a hard time with the self hurt and pain of pickup, going through all that, just to attain that future, special moment, a moment which you already have, right now, all the time, as part of living consciousness itself. Why not just enjoy the moment now? Instead of choosing to only enjoy it after years of pain and hardship? You already have what you seek, and will ultimately get anyway. The best you can get from your career, relationships or spirituality, is the moment, is the now. Just enjoy the now.

I've just watched Leo guras videos on ego development stages. As of lately I've been spending a considerable amount of time being unitive and I think I awakened some time ago. I have hundreds maybe a thousand of hours into spirituality/phycology/myself so I am pretty grounded. My text is serious and I'm not fearful so don't see this as the avarage student that want to drop out. I go to school and it's very difficult right now. I spent let's say 30 minutes living in non duality and bliss, then I tried to study. I felt so much suffering and it was very difficult. I feel like I have two main options, to let my ego play through these two school years and unfulfilling work thereafter. Or quit school and own nothing but a van to sleep and food to eat, with some part time job caring for peoples animals, children, being a paperboy, get a certain car truck license so that I can work in a facility or something else. Just work that will make me survive. That work would also be pretty satisfying because I could be at a blissful state during manual labor when they can't control my mind. Then I could remain blissful 80% of my days compared to a very low percentage in school. What do you guys think about this? Is it a good idea? Any advice? I know about ego and survival etc and have contemplated this for almost a hundred hours years earlier in my spiritual work so I know of the risks etc. It's only now at the unitive stage that I can consider this option for my life. Get Leo gura to read this if you can help. Thank you sincerely for reading my text? Btw im 17 year old and Swedish. I've not written all peices of the puzzle so try to imagine being me and I only want advice especially from unitive people - that's the whole point with this text because otherwise you can't really grasp what I'm writing about.

This thread is about coming full circle. It's about understanding the whole picture. Most people like to protect their beliefs in advance and are not ready to learn without their existing assumptions. When we blindly protect our beliefs and assumptions we feel more at home and safe which is an illusion. Because of that most people as they age lose their ability for accepting new explanations, new facts and new realizations because they identify with that state of being at home and safe and because of that, they reject and don't accept new explanations, realizations...because if they did, they would have to invest energy in changing their ego, and when we're identified with our thoughts and emotions we will want to maintain it. This is what cognitive dissonance is. It's a thought-emotion based blockage from our ego/mind that automatically triggers it's defense mechanism by triggering resistance and fear about change so it maintains itself. We overcome this by being honest with ourselves and with forgiving our self the emotional reactions with conscious re-direction of our life force. If you are Self-realized, do you know how to practically use that realization to systematically transform your life and remove ego reactions methodically? So many people that claim to be enlightened are basically just aware of their infinite nature, their undefined self, aware of the formless non-physical aspect that extends to infinity in all directions and dimensions, that is all present, always here and now, through which space-time moves, when you glimpse that you realize that you are everything and nothing at the same time... That's good, that's quite radical and good. Enlightenment will remove all of suffering and you will come to mental piece and inner silence. But... you will NOT be blissful. At the moment of realizing enlightenment and oneness, you see everything as perfect but the questions is it really? The paradox is that it is, and it's not. And now you have to integrate that paradox. "It's not this or that, it's both" - Bashar The question is....is that realization using you or are you proactively using that realization to come to full embodiment resulting in total bliss? If not, then your enlightenment is half-assed. When you become enlightened you realize and see how everything is happening without you doing it. It's a total mindfuck. It's really like stepping out of the matrix and seeing it for what it is, like super mario realizing it's not the character but the screen. But....that's not nearly enough. That realization is so big, that you don't know how to actualize it and so you can get stuck in passive observation of the present moment for decades. Passive observation of the present moment will never be enough to embody that realization. For example. you can be fully aware all the time, but if you are not able to see how your ego is trying to survive, you will be a passive observer and you'll be following the thoughts and emotions that are responsible for the maintenance of an egoic program. You will stay selfish and ignorant. What is necessary is active observation and acting on principles that are based on oneness, value equality, what is based for all life ...... in the now moment, inside yourself.... it's understanding that you are playing a part in the great scheme of things. (you being a fractal - a part and simultaneously the whole... well we need to act like) Active observation=a shift in being/looking -> a shift in relating Passive observation=allowing and accepting everything -> staying stuck in "all is perfect the way it is" When you're fully aware you see how thoughts and experiences pop up in the present moment without you making a choice. These thoughts, emotions and experiences come up without you making a choice and tell you who you are. Now you have 2 choices. Accept and allow these things or make a conscious choice to change yourself within yourself. To accept and allow the automatically generated reaction to continue or to stop it and do something else. To make a choice you need to be aware. We allow it to continue with our ignorance, non-understanding, carelessness for our state and well-being and self-direction and with our resistance to being honest with ourselves and taking responsibility for our thoughts. We are not our thoughts and emotions. Our thoughts are our tool that we can learn do direct instead of being submissive to it. Our automatically generated ego takes control of ourselves only if we allow it and this is when we don't give ourselves a clear principle based self-direction - when we are not clear about how we want to exist and do in every moment. Let's first define awareness and consciousness. Looking comes from awareness/being. Thoughts and thinking comes from consciousness/your mind. By stopping and looking you are re-defining yourself within yourself. You are changing your relationship to these things. You stop by becoming aware of your breathing (you can also slow it down, in the beginning it's much easier to manipulate your breathing by slowing it down than to be aware of it, just don't do it mechanically and try to observe your breathing, be one with it). When we are not conscious of every breath we take, we direct our energy into our thought-emotion energetic system and at that point we're not even aware of our body. This is an ideal scenario for our parasitic mind to take control of our attention and gain energy for it's own survival. When you are asleep you are simply assuming you're making all the choices in your life, and you're also assuming that if you've made that decision then it's probably a good one, when you're awake you're seeing your own shit that pops up in the present moment and you're able to re-define yourself in the present moment, by being something else. You are no longer identified with the thought, emotion or experience and that's when transformation takes place. Bliss is something beyond positive emotions, it is a result of embodying the Devine aspect of yourself. Bliss is divine and it's your true nature. Bliss feels good, but it feels better than feeling good...it's feeling like a God. Everything is energy but there are different kinds of energy. For this article I will focus on the mind energy and life energy. Life energy is a stable energy. The unstable energy is mind energy. The mind uses energy to preserve itself, it NEEDS energy for it's own survival. Mind energy is parasitic and if you identify with your self-created thought-emotional conscious system you will accept and allow the mind to suck the energy from your body for it's own survival. It is like a vampire, if you follow the automatically generated thoughts and emotions that show up in your awareness, you will allow the mind energy to maintain itself and the result is that your physical body will age and die one day. It's like staying asleep in the driving seat of a car.... you are the driver not the fucking car. What we are does not need energy to exist, it's eternal. A lot of Self-realized people still don't get this, they are aware of the totality...but not conscious of the part that they are playing in that screen. You are reality and you are also in reality. You are aware of the reality that is happening in you, and you are conscious that you are that self-created reality. If you are not conscious of that, then you are lost in the formless aspect of you and you don't know how to integrate that realization in your life, you don't know how to navigate between the paradox of it all and because of that you are still submissive to your automatically generated thought-emotional based system. What are you? You are an undefined being, being able to be aware, able to recognize patterns, self-reflect, to be self-responsible, self-honest, principle self-directive and able to co-create. You are always present, that means that you don't need energy for survival unlike your mind.... From that, we can clearly see that there is something more to non-duality, we are all one, but we are different, we are individual units of consciousness, souls... at different levels of maturity who are able to grow in discernment, intelligence, wisdom, love, compassion through using our abilities that I described earlier. Awareness(god) is creating his own consciousness field and this field of consciousness carries information that was accepted as true and allowed to be. This is our ego, this is the though-emotion energetic based system. You can only change yourself while being in yourself (that is a radical statement that you need to become conscious of, the character needs to shift from BECOMING a character to BEING, from form to formless and back to a different form)... Everything is now, but did you make a distinction between being and becoming? Are you aware of the constant change that is happening in you in the present moment, and be able to be principle self-directive when an automatically generated though/emotion shows up or will you be selfish and ignorant...react and follow the dualistic mind energy, that will suck the energy from your body for it's own survival? You created the mind through imagination but now the mind is using you, you are lost in your own dream, you are asleep while the process of survival is happening and because of that you are allowing and accepting the egoic reactions to continue, when you are aware, you notice how thoughts and emotions automatically come out of nowhere and you notice how these thoughts and emotions need your attention to survive... you are able to stop them, transcend them and be principle self-directive in the now moment. The mind will of course trigger fear, because it fears death and non-existence -> an illusion, so it will seem like you are powerless in the passengers seat, but that is an illusion that can be overcome by being aware that you are the only one here and the only being responsible for your direction, and that you always was that which is here&now.... you will need to train your discernment abilities to recognize appearances from reality. Following certain thoughts and emotions of course has benefits, that's why you do it...BUT...are you seeking positive experiences and emotions? If yes, then you are identifying with your emotions, you are polarizing reality into good and bad. You are basically being selfish and ignorant. When we're under the influence of certain chemicals we easily forget our self-responsibility and power of self-directing and start being submissive to our automatically generated thought-emotion programs. When we look through our ego, we want more of these experiences. Ego wants more! When we look through our ego we want to maintain our selfish interest and what is best for the ego AND NOT what is best for all life just because of the generated emotions. Ego is afraid of honesty because if we are totally honest, the ego might lose it's benefits so it uses all kinds of ego defense mechanisms to avoid facing the truth. Ego thrives on ignorance and avoidance. An internal or external trigger will trigger a behavior of thinking, feeling and acting and you will need to stay mindful to notice that - that's mindfulness . Then, you will stop the egoic reaction by focusing on your breathing, focusing on your feeling in the body and every sound around you, you will become present. Then you will bend the flow of energy based on described principles. By shifting that energy, you will enter an unknown territory, your mind will be afraid and it will trigger fear for the purpose of shifting the energy back. In that moment you will stay present and cultivate a metaphysical connection to reality by being grounded in the present moment, in that case, you are practicing transcendence and witnessing how triggered thoughts and feelings of the old program are trying to sedate you for the purpose of You putting attention into them. And in this process you will understand what is being and becoming. The process that will be described is holistic. It doesn't focus just on the spiritual or emotional or thoughts or physical aspect it focuses on transforming all aspects, that's why it's revolutionary and very advanced but the thing is, that it's so simple that everybody can understand and use it! The principles are based on oneness, value equality - what is best for all. What is best for all is also best for you. "I take others into account and treat others the same way as I would like to be taken into account and treated if I was in their place" A shift needs to happen. A shift to where you don't operate based on your thoughts and emotions but on a deeper level of knowing. A shift from memory to knowing. Some aspect of you always knows...but you don't listen carefully enough. Instead of listening and deeply feeling the truth you are accepting and allowing the thought-emotional based system to steal your attention so it can maintain itself. You quickly jump to conclusions, quickly jump into action.....you are being reactive, because you take things as obvious...and that's a trap of the egoic program because if things slowed down, you would have more opportunity to discern falsehood from truth and truth would have more opportunity to shed falsehood. You need to slow down to stop acting like a sheep, following his thoughts and emotions. And you do this by taking a few controlled breaths. When the thoughts and emotions pop up in the present moment via internal/external triggers to steal your attention from what is best for all beings, then you slow down. You must intend to become aware and then you will be aware. By setting an intention you will awaken in the present moment (in the linear sense for example you will set an intention today and tomorrow the triggers will trigger thoughts and emotions and you will be awake in that moment because you've set the intention). Commit to setting intentions to redirect your life force. For example: smoking. Picture this scenario. It's time for lunch break, the smoker usually smokes a cigarette after the lunch break, so that's an external trigger, then there can be also an internal trigger that says ("another cigarette and then I will come back"), BUT if the egoic program was integrated due to repeating it a lot, then there will be no thoughts like that, it will just seem obvious to the smoker that that's the next thing he will do, in this case he is assuming the thought-emotional based system is true and you will always do what you believe to be true. Then that's going the become his reality, because he imagined it to be real....but then let's say a shift in consciousness happens where that no longer makes sense and is no longer true, let's say the smoker found out in reality he doesn't want to smoke but to finish smoking, at that moment he becomes aware of the bigger picture, he steps out of himself and becomes aware and he connects to a deeper level of knowing that is present, he starts imagining a new reality, a new possibility existing. He awakens.... so let's say now comes the same scenario, he finishes lunch and goes to his location to smoke, he grabs a cigarette, he lights it up and then....he awakens, he becomes aware and knowing and at that moment he has the decision to drop the cigarette or to continue smoking it, if he continues smoking it, he promotes the thought-emotional based parasite but if he drops it, he embodies his new truth. When he became aware, memories were not needed to drop it, he was aware and thus knowing....and that's the way toward embodying truth. You come to deeper and deeper levels of realization. But now he needs to transmute the old program and awareness alone usually doesn't do it because we need a new program to integrate, to remove a program without adding a new one will just create a sense of emptiness and after a while we will spiral back into the old program just because we don't know any better, as simple as that sounds. Awareness alone is curative only in the short term. We transmute the old program with speech. So, the smoker comes home, analyzes his emotional reactions in writing(this step was possible only after he became aware), he is honest about his self. He writes self-correction statements about what is best for all and then he needs to say it out loud, for the transmutation process to take place, he needs to repeat these statements, once is not enough and by doing so, he embodies a higher truth, that was deeply felt. We can only change ourselves inside ourselves, analogy - screen (awareness) and mario (the character-you-the thought emotional based system), the character needs to become aware of the screen and only after that he can shift to a new program, like being a character in a movie, if the character wants to play a different role in a different movie, he needs to drop his role and stop following his thought and emotions. By doing so he is becoming a master of himself. You will avoid writing things out and analyzing your reactions at all costs because being honest and reflective of your actions is dangerous to the maintenance of your ego. Make no mistake, you will never feel like doing it. IF you will not do it, that's the same as being identified with the thought-emotional based system. You will keep rationalizing, making excuses, believing your lies and you will keep deceiving yourself but slowly if you keep at it you will become better at spotting your own bullshit, facing your own self, overcoming the fear of losing parts of yourself and do self-correction to change yourself. You always put trust in something, now is the time to ask yourself what you put trust in. There are different levels of knowing. The first is hearing something, the second is contemplating it and the third is making it instinctual. But how can you make awakening instinctual...? BY following certain principles. Alignment with truth. Remember, it's not only about realizing Truth but about being in alignment with Truth. Alignment is not the same as balance. Alignment is about being in tune and connected to the present moment. Being in tune + connected to the present balance. By being in tune and present, we allow the higher self to manifest. For alignment to happen, there needs to be calmness and silence for us to listen and then discern different energy flows. When we're in alignment then we're supporting all life and beings with our actions and if we're not , we're creating disharmony and unbalance in the universal system. We're here to be present to a certain role in the evolutionary process of consciousness. A divine role consists of certain beliefs, attitudes, visions, thoughts, states, interactions, sounds, voice, communication, feelings. So, you need to be present to specific things that remind you of who you are...and not what you truly are, because no thing can trigger the memory of what you are, because what you are is not a memory So...you need to train your discernment abilities to recognize these things. Not just staying in the present moment, but regulating your attention/energy flow/body movements to be present to specific things. And you do this by slowly silently deeply feeling things to discern if you resonate with them or not. This is totally different paradigm than taking things as obvious and reacting to the perceived stimuli. Consciousness is this infinite field that can resonate at infinite number of frequencies, different frequencies = different experiences(sounds, feelings, visions, thoughts...) but as souls we will not resonate with all frequencies, it's not really our purpose to do so, and this is why I told you to discern if you resonate with it or not...that is God understanding what it actually is. Freeing ourselves from the automatically generated thought-emotional based system is a process in which we step by step with every breath and with a few tools 1.conscious breathing 2. self-honest writing 3. self-forgiveness 4. self-correction take our responsibility for our mind/ego/though-emotion based energetic system and start AWAKENING. While doing that we take into account the law of one and value equality of all life, because that's the best for all and because of that best for us. Every action that does not take into account "I take others into account and treat others the same way as I would like to be taken into account and treated if I was in their place" is an action that is coming from our deluded ego. Awakening is a process where we realize our power of directing our eternal life force. To direct your life force, you don't need any kind of energy, because you are eternal and don't need energy for existing. You don't need stimulation. If you're stimulation driven then when there is no longer a supply of your stimulation you don't have any motivation anymore to do the act, you are like a program that will stop existing if there is no supply of input commands. And most people are just that, programs. Being self-honest is about being honest about your state, thoughts, emotions, actions, intentions we're existing in. This is our ability to see our source without judgement. Only by being self-honest life is born until then we're only our automatically generated thoughts and emotions. With writing we discover which thoughts created our emotions and we forgive ourselves. Then we write self-correction statements. And breathing. Only when we're aware of our breathing and grounded in the present moment, we're able to direct our life force. The process of writing looks like that. This is the most efficient form. 1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ____ (describe your harmful selfish way of thinking, acting, emoting) 2. When I notice and become aware of ___(describe the things you mentioned earlier), I stop and breath. 3. I am conscious that ___ (1. describe the harmful consequences of your pattern and why it's not supportive for all life. 2. Describe why and how the changed action is better for all) 4. This is why from now on, I am committed to (describe a practical healthy mind pattern new pattern that is best for all life with which you're substituting the old, unnecessary, selfish and harmful pattern) "You are the program and also the programmer" - Arcturus RA With this process we are expanding our understanding of our ego/mind and that gives us power to change ourselves. We are becoming more aware of our selves as the eternal life force and our ability to self-direct selflessly. We are becoming more familiar with our way of thinking, with our habits, reactions and though-emotional based states that we're submissive to. With this process we're coming back to our full power by being less submissive to our thoughts and emotions step-by-step, breath by breath. With this process we're removing all kinds of limitations and we're becoming able to express ourselves more effectively more and more. You can do this at the end of your day to reflect back on your day, you can also open a blog on blogger like many Destonians do to keep yourself more accountable. So, now I have a question for you. Will you start practicing the process and do what is best for all life or will you accept and allow your thoughts and emotions to direct you. I will explain a method that I learned from Destonians. Keep an open mind. Resources to take it to the next level: https://desteni.org/ http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ https://eqafe.com/ https://eqafe.com/p/consciousness-awareness-back-to-basics https://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=10

Part of my Life Purpose is that I want to lead people to the realization of Infinite / Divine Love and Infinite Self-Understanding, but first I need to define it clearly for myself, have realizations into the nature of it and embody these things in my own life more. My questions: How do you define Self-Understanding for yourfelf? How do you define Infinite Love? How do you realize / awaken to Infinite Self-Understanding and Infinite / Divine Love? What are you doing daily to integrate and embody these realizations? How I define Self-Understanding so far (I have formulated it in the form of affirmations): Self-Understanding is the Awareness of Truth. I understand myself/ my Self as God, as infinte consciousness, as that which is unlimited, one and self-created. I am Truth. Therefore I recognize that I am always already free. My true nature is bliss. I am worthy. I realize that infinite abundance is always here. I do not lack anything. Joy and fulfillment are natural to me. I am able to do what I want when I want. I am at peace I am in alignment. I have got an understanding of my own capabilities, character, feelings and motivations. I know who I am. I am Love. From being in harmony with God, I recieve wisdom. Wisdom is the power to percieve Truth and the ability to make the best us eof the knowledge of Truth. How I define Divine Love so far: Absolute, Infnite, Divine Love is the essence of Truth, Consciousness, God, Reality and my Self. It is ablolute acceptance of everything. I love everything and everybody. Love is the Awareness of the beauty of creation. Love is Selflessness. The purpose of my life is to love. I love all men as God. Everything that happens in the universe, happens to maximize Love. Love is having a vision for my life and a vision of what I can offer to mankind. Absolute, Infinite, Divine Love is unconditional. I am unconficionally loved by God. What I already do: Daily meditation, affirmations, being in nature, journal, doing psychedelics, reading books, meeting like-minded people, be as loving, accepting and present as I can What I want to do now: Create a specific vision of myself embodying these things, study spiritual texts, do reatreats (darkeness, vipassana, isolation, psychedelic), try fasting, get a mentor Do you have any more ideas? How are you guys doing it? What kind of intentions do you set for a psychedelic journey when you want to explore these themes? Thank you for your time, I really apprechiate it.

I'm alone in the no time for the eternity! Horror Another: I'm alone in the no time for the eternity but I'm not alone because I love myself! Bliss

@Oppositionless No i haven't. I don't even really feel better after most meditation sessions. I get some relaxation, but it's similar to if i take a nap or something. The only true experiences of feeling good, or bliss etc, are from LSD not meditation. I find myself ADHD distracting myself with weird body ticks for most of the day, and i noticed that when i stop and just sit still I feel like i'm holding my breathe and i get uncomfortable.

Leo's last video on introspection is great! As Gurdjieff used to say, He was busy stepping on people's korn's. Notice when you're lying to yourself. Notice when you're flippant. Notice when you're arrogant. Notice when you're playing a victim. Notice when you're fanticising. Notice when you're in a bad mood. Notice when you're manipulating others. Notice you're social conditioning. Notice posturing and being phony and fake. Notice when you aren't understanding other people. Notice and catch you're mind creating problems. Notice when you're being selfish. Much of what Leo said mirrors the Teaching of the Fourth Way which centers around noticing you're spiritual sleep. Two main practices in the Fourth Way are self observation and self Remembering. Maurice Nicoll on the Fourth Way- INTENTIONAL SUFFERING “Now self-observation is very harsh and becomes more harsh. If done sincerely it will hurt. But it lets light in and stops all sorts of rank weeds from growing within, and amongst them all the strange growths due to internal considering and self-pity and song-singing. And then at last we begin to see what it means that a man must realize that he is nothing beforehecanexpecttobesomething.”V.1,p.259 INTENTIONAL SUFFERING II “You may often say you are to blame for something, but if someone agrees with you, it is startling and you feel offended. Yes, we easily pretend we are wrong. But to see it, direct and unmistakeable, in one- self, is pain. This is real, and so useful, suffering, for all real suffering purifies the emotions.” V. 1, p. 166 INTENTIONAL SUFFERING III “I have found nothing flattering in this teaching. There is nothing flattering, for axample, in being told that we are machines that have no Real ‘I’, that we are nothing but pictures of ourselves, that what we call ‘I’ is nothing but imagination, that we have no Real Will, that we are a mass of contradictions which we do not notice owing to hav- ing so many buffers and different forms of padding, that we are not conscious yet, and so on...All awakening has a sour taste—like going back to school.” V. 3, p. 825 INTENTIONAL SUFFERING IV “A man must suffer from his observation of himself, but never become negative.” V. 3, p. 1203 SELF-SATISFACTION “Try to see what you are resting on, all of you. Try to see the basis of your self-satisfaction. You will understand that unless this basis is com- pletely broken up there can be no change of being.” V. 1, p. 338 SELF-SATISFACTION II “As regards the remark that this Work is selfish, you must all under- stand that this Work . . . is something that destroys your self-compla- cency, your selfishness, your self-esteem, your fantasies about yourself, your pictures of yourself and, in short, your False Personality. It makes you see yourself naked—makes you see that you have to do some- thing about yourself before you try to help other people.” V. 3, p. 849 SUFFERING ONE’S SELF “When I am in that state of insight I will continually suffer from myself—from Nicoll and his mechanical reactions. Then I will in a certain sense have to endure this external, mechanical, reacting person that hitherto I have taken as myself but which the Work has gradu- ally shown me I must separate from.” V. 2, p. 644 SEEING DIFFERENT ‘I’S “Perhaps, owing to a grain of modesty or a sense of humiliation or, better still, owing to increasing consciousness of yourself, you may realize that you are not one—not a fully conscious individual, willing his life consciously at every moment, but at one moment a mean per- son, at the next an irritable person, at the next a benevolent person and the next a scandalous or slanderous person, at the next a saint, at the next a liar.” V. 1, p. 26 WHO IS RUNNING THE SHOW? “Have you seen a view of yourself marching along as a crowd of ‘I’s, some good, some evil, some in tatters, some over-dressed, some well-meaning, some slanderous, some brave, some self-pitying, some intelligent, some stupid, some a little developed, some undeveloped and childish, and so on? This marching column, marching anyhow, now some leading, now others, this haphazard crew, is leading one’s life for one.” V. 3, p. 975 PRIDE AND VANITY “You must study Pride and Vanity in yourselves and all their different gradations. Do you know your own forms of Vanity and how much they occupy you? Do you know where your Pride lies? Where do you feel that you love yourself, that you admire yourself? Where do you most feel that you are utterly different from other people? Where are you most conceited? What do you boast about? What are you silent about? Vanity is frequently very talkative, whereas Pride is silent. Which is the deeper wound, wounded Vanity or wounded Pride? What is it you cannot forgive? You know that if you cannot forgive it is because of some form of self-love which, ideally speaking, has to be smashed out of you.” V. 1, p. 360 REAL POSITIVE EMOTIONS “If you, all alone, in this solitary place, in yourself, full of the integrity of your most Real I, have decided, made a decision, not to identify or feed a particular negative emotion . . . you will taste positive emotion for a brief moment—something blessed—that is, filled with such bliss that nothing of human love-hate emotions can be compared with it... Such emotions . . . never change into their opposites but visit us and then withdraw.” V. 4, pp. 1238-9 All of these taken from Gems of Wisdom. Similar and more can be found here-

I guess you've already attained Nirvana since you talk about eternal bliss. Hehe

If you think that you're here by accident, then you won't transcend anything. You will stay an ugly frog hit by a car for eternity. Bliss... yeah sure.

If one truly understands that there is no death, only transcendence. A few moments of suffering don't matter in the face of bliss for eternity. Suffering is part of the experience of the game, essentially so.

Maybe it depends how you define awakening. I see awakening as realizing that you are not your conditioned mind, and the eventual dissolving of attachments and ego. Since attachments and ego are the source of most human suffering, awakening leads to the end of suffering. I think I understand your point. For example, a devout Christian that believes Jesus has saved them from sin and that they will live in heavenly bliss for eternity with their loved ones is in for some disappointment. But I don't see that as awakening; it's more pre-awakening where we begin divesting ourselves from false beliefs, but haven't yet realized who we actually are.

Well I guess he is But the thing about manipulative texts like Bible and Quran is that the texts claim they are the holy word and the only thing to be believed and also say (in anticipation) that there will be others who will say that they are not correct. So they say, someone will appear that will challenge your belief, will try to bring doubt. By saying this they make sure to manipulate the reader into thinking "Wow, the book really was right, because look, these people here are bringing doubt to me and this book predicted it" which makes the book appear even more powerful in the mind of the follower. So of course, those doubters are seen as evil. Now there is division. The whole message of actual spirituality gets lost. Now there is US who believe in this text alone, and the others, the blasphemers who do not follow this manipulative book. To know God is to know That which is beyond doubt. That in which even doubt appears. It cannot be something written. Writing says this or it says that. What the writing appears in is the absolute Truth which cannot be denied and cannot be doubted.. For the very doubt appears in it...... It's like the Truth is the empty page, and all words on the empty page are not the Absolute. They cannot be. They are added on later. They have a beginning and an end, making them relative. Why do I call these texts manipulative? Well because they use FEAR and GREED to get you to follow what they say. Fear of punishment and the greed for eternal happiness, bliss and salvation. In the future.. Promise. It does not have to deliver, you cannot test or know whether it is saying the truth, you have to believe it OR ELSE. Well, thats the feel I get every time I try to read the Bible. I just cannot stand these tactics and devices of separation that it uses. I can clearly see the devil (ego) has firmly distorted the original teachings of Jesus Christ and other enlightened masters. My theory is that this is done for manipulation, control and profit.

@AtheisticNonduality @Moksha this is getting too abstract. Let's ground it more to earth. Do you love disgusting stuff? No? Then how can you say love is an absolute or encompasses everything? Here there is an instance of your life when you didn't love something. Do you feel peace.. Joy.. Bliss.. Harmony.. Good.. All the time? Ofcourse no. You feel good. But then comes times when you feel like shit. So how can goodness be an absolute? If it's absolute it doesn't come and go. It's always the same. What is always the same? Nothing. Tada! Lol

@Vercingetorix Hello my friend (and everyone else )! I'd love to hear your perspective on the following: Today I recieved a download from consciousness: The primary and universal purpose of my life is enlightenment, by which I mean literally becoming a light in this world and achieving the quantum leap of Self-realization somewhere on the way, the secondary and indivudual purpose of my life is to give a voice to consciousness. This is my mission. The two best instruments available to me are my podcast and work as an anthropologist. The latter necessarily, but ideally both of them involve a lot of travelling and extensive periods of solitud. If I am true to my life purpose, I will never ever except a partner that does not want or is not able to do that with me. So if Emily was not pregnant, I knew exactly where to direct my energy and what to do with my life. I would leave her immediatly and follow my bliss. But as a matter of fact she is. And I love my daughter in a way I have not loved before. I'd love to be able to leave her but I think it's impossible. Yes, it was Emily's choice, but it is not my daughter's fault to be born under such circumstances. I don't want her to have to grow up without a dad, little money, and in a developing country. To live my life purpose in such a way would be heaven on earth, but it seems almost incompatible with raising a child. Nonetheless, there maybe are ways to compromise in a way that is benificial to everyone, I just can't find one yet. What is really no option for me, is to half-ass fathering. It's hard to imagine how to be a dependable and strong father figure for this little person, but then only being there e.g. half of the year. Due to the mother bringing nothing material on the table it would be financially extremly challenging too. Maybe you can share some thoughts on the situation. I'd appreciate it a lot! Much love!

Title says it all really. There is quarantine where I live so I decided to trip on acid with the intention to understand my fears. The trip itself was amazing and filled with bliss and ecstacy like i've rarely experienced before in my life, but as I remembred I need to contemplate on what fear is I thought that by doing that I'll just ruminate and I didn't want to go into that thought loop and didn't see much value in doing that. also I feel that I didn't get much insight from the trip since I was too overwhelmed with the feeling of bliss and ecstacy. So for my next time, how does one contemplate effectively? should I just go with the flow of the trip and let insights come naturally or should I just sit, ruminate and think things through proactively as much as I can?

5:00 AM The weather this morning was incredible, night frost and stillness, starlit sky, and nobody awake. Really picked up the pace on this run and really pushed myself. I'm almost in bliss now after its over, lol. Really loving the fresh autumn air. Went for a 5:00 AM run yesterday as well and it was incredibly windy, I enjoy running in both type of weathers. Nofap day 3. I notice I always get urges after workouts, due to being in such a good mood. But I feel like it's only that way the first 10-14 days, then it'll eventually pass.

Maybe, i don't really know.. Spiritual experiences are weird in that way. When i am out of body it is liberating,free and no pain. You could be right. But being in that state man... Knowing there are better lives out there for you, happier lives... Or the other state of feeling bliss and the grace of self... Man you come back to this ego.. And be like fuck what am i doing here

Main reason why I'm writing this here is there is 1 bit of resistance/confusion occurring within me. Its about living life. Working, friendships, family, buying groceries, etc. The past week, has seen a drop in my performance at work. A complete lack of care for paying my bills. I complete lack of care for doing family stuff. And there's resistance or 'feeling bad' about that. Is there actually an absolute, true feeling bad about it? Honestly I don't think I care about the above happening. Its just social conditioning. But its a very strong form of resistance, so strong that I can't inspect and tell the difference between whether its social conditioning or an actual discord or dissonance with love/what I feel. There's lots of social conditioning about the path in me that are deep in my bones. Hearing about how stupid Eckhart Tolle was for sitting at a parkbench for a year. Listening to Leo talk about the importance of materialistic possessions on 'the path'. So much more. And these aren't even general social conditioning from my parents, these are the premium grade beliefs, the ones from the noble wise tier of 'spiritual teachers and the path'. The benevolent beliefs. The ones that I care about, because spirituality is so important to me. Its the only thing I care about. And there's a bit of a tug of war going on, because I genuinely don't care about those things. Its the tension that is arising within me. A week ago, I thought I was going to go insane. I thought I was about to have dementia. There was massive bliss that at random times were dissolving the universe. I was at the gym and worried I was about to enter a 10 gram trip. It was intense. And then a week of that, finally the bliss just overrided the body and mind, and everything beyond appearance just dropped away. All of the fear, karma and trauma of electroBeam died with electroBeam, so even though it was traumatic, didn't matter in the end. An end to a horror movie, just left to laugh at it. The next nights saw huge amounts of dissolving bliss just override the body, and the body had massive existential fear... but there was no one to care. The existential fear was detached, and reality was allowed to do whatever it wanted. Like a plane that's got the emergency lights ringing, but no pilot. The next days I had very intense breathing pain and I developed a fever. I thought I had cancer. Did I care? Fuck no. In fact, that would have been a perfect way to end. All people's worldviews, opinions, literally don't exist. All humans are flares of intelligence (you). Everything other than that intelligence is delusion. And you're all here right now pretending to be everywhere, absolutely everywhere, but here. And my entire career, all of the motivation of it, literally came from the opinions of others. Opinions of my boss, coworkers, parents. And when those slipped away... there's no desire to take my career super seriously. Just enough to eat food... and even that, if the body dies who the fuck cares? I still had a tiny strand of belief in my career to keep going at that time. There's absolute no desire to do family things. There's no desire to do anything like that. There is a will though. A will to help as many appearances/flares of intelligence (me) get through this dream the best way possible. Huge sense of compassion for the flares. Because the flares are me. And that's why electroBeam has been more active on here recently. Trying to help as many as possible, a natural transition from helping the human, to helping the dream. And this desire to help has nothing to do with my career. Its a total illusion my career. But I have to eat! I have to live. But its a total illusion! But I have to eat! Oh the tug of war! With no one to care about the tug of war of course hahahahah. There is a desire/will to help others, to overcome my egoic identifications that are still left (because there's still lots of identification to purge). To let go of the remaining judgements I have of the world. And most importantly, to quench my desire to know WHY WHY WHY. WHY plants? Trees? grass? Leo? The path? Why everything! And that went full steam ahead. Because without an ego, the work to do the above just went in overdrive. And now, that belief that was keeping my career in tact, is just about gone. Because, the entire universe (all the appearances) are talking to me, all the time. The light posts, the television, people, facebook, even my colleagues, calculator, trees, especially the flowers. They are all telling me that they are exactly the way they are because of <...> something they are keeping a secret from me. "haven't you noticed, that me the light post, is exactly this shape because <...>" "haven't you noticed that time is here because of <...>" "haven't you noticed that this receipt is on the ground precisely because of <...>" "haven't you noticed your spiritual path unfolded this way because of <...>" "haven't you noticed your ex is this precise one because of <...>" "haven't you noticed that Leo talks about infinite love, Rumi talks about infinite love because of <...>" "haven't you noticed that Sadhguru's deep care for the world is precisely because he sees <...>" Yeah for sure, I'm feeling that extremely deep sense of importance of the universe too. But fucking tell me all you appearances! Tell me! "Nah, not yet" Why bitch! Tell me! I'm begging to know. And I just cannot keep a career going in this state... Because whatever the above is, seems a trillion times more important than my career. And any materialistic stuff. Oh but the tug of war! Those beliefs telling me not to screw up my career are really fucking convincing. The universe feels like once <...> happens, literally everything will dissolve and it will be game over. And you know what? Fucken great! Who the fuck cares! Because there's no ego to care? I'm totally fine and on board with game over! The tug of war is driving me nuts. And I'm posting here for clarity and resolve of it. Its been driving me nuts for the past few days. Cannot figure out what <...> is, and don't know whether I should be worried about how I'm basically chucking my material existence away. Is it wise to chuck that away? My care for it is almost none. End up in mcdonalds and who the fuck cares.

Setting a good direction for what I need to do in my reselling business. Being more strategic with my time that I am able to invest in it right now. If I play this right I should have the best 4th quarter selling I have had by far. I might even 5X what I did last year. Working on detaching from the need of security and just letting this happen. I am thinking this will get me closer and closer to working on a life purpose. I had an an amazing emotional release yesterday using the sedona method. I really let go something that was really bothering me completely. I felt almost in a state of bliss while I was in a park. It was an extraordinary feeling. I am really starting to get results from working on this. This is by far one of the most powerful things I have found in this work. If I train this enough I could easily get rid of my ocd completely. I am already starting to notice a major decline with the compulsions from it. This was such a great experience for me. I cannot really put into words how much this allowed me to see what is possible. I have been playing about 2 hours of video games a day right now. I feel really good during the day and I am getting a lot done. I am only working on the reselling business about 6 hours a day. The key thing though is the time I am working is fully focused and I am getting a lot of output from that time. This only adds up to roughly 30 hours a week, but it really just depends. I know once sales start picking up the time involved is going to change a lot with how much I will be shipping. While I am tempted to add more hours I am going to keep the balance I have. I spend basically all of the other hours improving myself or making myself quality food. I am going to have some long days here and there though for sure. The quality of my work drops so much after 6 hours it seems like it is not quite as worth it. Of course some days I can go seemingly all day though. Days of waking up on time in a row: 3 Items listed: $25,000 out of $30,000 $2,701 out of $6000 IRA contribution $1,000 out of $3,000 savings 25 out 44 books Marathon Today I am thankful for: Nearly reaching a big feedback milestone on ebay Having some fun on warzone Having so much extra time from getting up early

This is beautiful. I haven’t really done any meditation. I’ve come to the realisations you have through reading books. I find it so refreshing to read it happening just through meditation that confirms the Holy Spirit/true self/source or whatever name we personally give it is within in and will speak the truth if we ask. The non judgement stuff is huge. I lived 45yrs until this year before I experienced how it is not to judge. I too was a master at judging but now it’s disappeared. Such bliss and peace.

@VeganAwake at the time, im not sure eckhart tolle would have done it for me. These were the last moments the entire universe was about to dissolve. The ego didn't know what that was gonna be like, so it dreamt up stories about insanity that seemed extremely true considering the entire world dissolving for an ego = undefined land. Chilling out would have rapidly increased the dissolving of the universe, that's actually what caused the insanity, was chilling out and letting go, and those things = massive existential fear. So at the time, I would have been scared as fuck to just chill out. It would have been the last thing I wanted to do. You need to rip the bandaid off quick and fast in such a scenario. You need to jump into it very quickly. The slower you go, the more painful it is. Also there was(and even after) massive massive massive amounts of bliss energy that was dissolving everything. And its very hard to just chill and relax when massive waves of bliss energy are destroying the entire universe, or making you have dementia or go insane or get some disorder like schizophrenia, as the ego assumed. Especially when you're in the matrix and you're driving, or going to the gym, or working. Having that happen in a meeting while you believe the 3D matrix is real, is not something you can just chill and relax over hahahah. It will be very intense and traumatic(until of course, the ego dies, and all the karma and trauma and fear dies along with it), and that's the way it is, that's what you have to accept, and you need to face it head on. And no one can convince you its gonna be ok on the other side, because your ego cannot fathom the other side. Of course, that's why the ego dies on the other side.

It was just so neutral, neither positive nor negative, that I felt like my life pointless - and that was ok at the peak of the trip but caused all these problems as my trip started fading away (around hour 4 or 5) and my ego started returning. I was expecting bliss and an ability to love life for what it is. Not a sense of indifference to everything lol. Perhaps this is just my ego speaking but my main goals are to achieve the former while having a deep understanding of the spiritual. While I've only tried LSD, it is in general a lot more upbeat. I believe different psychadelics provide equivalent insights but with a different feeling attached to it so you could realize the twisted parts of yourself without falling into a twisted state yourself.. if you know what I mean

The report already is so long, i skip to the beginning of the peak experience. I was at home. I felt sensory overload in the living room, even though it was pretty quiet. That's when I started to feel insecure, and I kept thinking that a disaster was about to happen. Then I went to my room and went to bed with my twin brother (my closest caregiver). I started to feel more and more anxious and realized that only my brother and my girlfriend could give me security. Layers of my identity as Jonas (my name is Jonas) also became clear to me, especially in terms of how much security which gives me. For example, my landlady and aunt weren't that important, then all of my close friends came along, everyone who was also in my apartment and a few others. And the innermost layer was my brother and my girlfriend. I knew that she couldn't be here now, so i focused on my brother and held onto him. All along he said that everything is fine and that I don't need to be afraid. I really noticed how each layer slipped through my fingers and I was always holding onto the next layer. I still knew that I had "only" taken one drug. Still, I started to cry with fear. I also asked for a trip killer, so two of my friends went out to get one. My brother kept trying to calm me down. At this point it helped that I had dealt with things like the illusion of the ego, ego death, psychedelic experiences, and spirituality before. Because at some point I realized that if the ego was really an illusion, and it was dissolving because of the 1cp-LSD, it would probably feel just like my state, namely that the individual layers were crumbling and I always clung to the next layer and that the ego creates another fear in me with every shift. It felt like I saw through my ego. At some point I realized the real power of letting go and I was able to stop clinging to my brother. I realized that I can just surrender to any fear and that the only way to escape a fear is to really let go and face that fear. It became clear to me that every living being sets its own limits, but unfortunately mostly unconsciously, which is why you cannot easily recognize and overcome this limit. When I was able to let go of everything, values like having a lot of money and little money were just as important as wanting to live and not wanting to live. Life seems more important to us than money only because living is a more important part of one's identity than having money. Our consciousness has nothing to do with being a human being, it is completely independent of it. It felt as if my previous life was only there to experience this moment at some point and that I was now pulled out of my ego to the Absolute Truth, namely that everything is one, reality is non-dual and completely infinite. I felt free from all limits that could ever exist, I felt infinite, I felt the unity of reality and the non-duality of the whole universe. This was a state of extreme bliss as I realize that all fears were only fictional and meaningless. I had something like the attached image in mind, just without the person, but the pattern around it was similar. I now understood why dualities like life and death, everything and nothing, flow together in the largest possible picture. Even logic and time are just limits of your own mind. I felt pure existence, every moment was eternal, my consciousness was nothing but perception. I had lost track of time. I was a single singularity, all dreams, desires, fears, emotions of all people. At that point, I didn't want the trip killer anymore either. It was a wonderful miracle. I cried with joy. The following words kept coming into my head over an over again: - Being. Just being. - Existence - Love - Non-duality - Moment (i realized that only the present exists) - Consciousness. I recognized the infinite power of letting go, every possible suffering could simply be let go, but of course not in low states of consciousness like that of everyday human life. I said several times things like “trust me”, “let go”, “don't hold on”, “listen to yourself”, “go seek inside yourself” and “let it go”. I wanted to advise everyone in the world to use these words. I also understood the importance of inner calm and the search for the real self in the world. I saw that love and hate were inextricably intertwined. It was at this point that I also understood karma. Everything we do to others, we experience ourselves at some point, everything we do for others, we do for ourselves. I constantly had images of intertwined strange loops in my mind. I saw existence as a strange loop. Anything I would take would be taken from me in another life. I understood why all people were blind to this absolute truth and why no one could logically convince anyone of it. It was as if I had grasped the absolute meaning of existence. I had realized that the unified consciousness of the universe had created itself for the purpose of existence. The positives and negatives didn't matter. I should experience every other life, infinitely often and infinitely long. However, I didn't know how my experience was going to continue. Miss-interpretation of reality After my peak experience, I woke up in the "real" world. I thought that I was now in a world where everyone else who was there knew what I knew. One of the reasons for this was that when I was walking around, I just dropped to the floor and was only caught because my friends looked after me so well. I thought the universe would reward my letting go by being caught by my friends. Every time I let myself down, I was caught by the others. When the others spoke, everything they said only confirmed what I had just experienced. I thought I (the consciousness of the universe) had created everything myself, every music, every smell, every color, every voice. There was nothing but perception. Everything was just beautiful in its perfection. I realized that life was a movie that I watched with my friends and everyone else. I knew I would go through someone else's life one day. I thought my friends knew what I was experiencing because I interpreted some statements as follows: - "That's a nice head" (he meant the hookah). I thought he meant that as a metaphor for the wonder of existence - "Now he probably doesn't want to take the trip killer anymore" I thought he meant that after I had learned this truth of the universe, I now know that I no longer need to be afraid of it - "But that took a long time" (he probably meant the duration of my mental absence from his point of view during the peak) I thought he meant that it took my whole life to come to this insight. - One line in a song read “and all that counts, is here and now”. I thought this was related to only the present existing and just to focus on - "You could almost make a meme out of it." I thought he meant the feeling when you first live my experience. - I asked my brother and a friend how I should have known all of this, and that at some point I will be totally scared (because I would probably experience it again in my next life, at the latest when I die). I don't remember the answer, but I still interpreted it in such a way that they both knew what I was talking about. I thought that from now on I would be in a reality in which my fellow human beings know the nature of the existence of everything. Later that evening, when a slight feeling of sobriety returned, I thought I was now in a kind of paradise where I could shape my life as I wanted. However, anything that I took positively would fall back on me negatively in another life. I didn't know whether to offer my help to my friends in order to improve my karma. I was confused what to do and whether I would really live in paradise, because I felt like Jonas again, who would like to see his girlfriend, even though the fear of never seeing her again was actually only imaginary. However, I really thought I was in a different reality. That was also because when we sat on a bench outside, the skyline of Nuremberg (in Germany) looked completely different from what I was used to. But that was still due to the remains of the 1cp-LSD. Since my brother said I would feel better in the morning, I didn't know what to expect when I went to sleep. At that point in time, I wanted to go back to my "old" life. I tried to get myself off the trip through low-consciousness stuff like watching a live stream and playing a mobile game. That's why I took the trip killer, also to be able to sleep, although I was still afraid of what would happen if I disappeared from this “paradise” due to the trip killer. I went to sleep at some point and the next morning I felt exhausted and confused, but sober again. I went back to the bench from yesterday evening and was glad that everything looked the way I knew it. Conclusion I never thought that such a dose would trigger such an incredible experience and would definitely have taken less if I had known. I was not prepared for that, i've taken 150 µg before and it was like 100 times weaker. The ego death was not intended. That was probably the most profound experience of my life. How do I properly integrate such an experience? Thanks for reading :).