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https://www.politico.com/news/2025/10/14/private-chat-among-young-gop-club-members-00592146?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR6z5ke5GEyhK8QNtNCqy2RvK2Ca7iY0ehk5VcQm4L1x5Ep3lKUtAQlG-aOGlQ_aem_S-iEcpxGPkXYD3pubgQ3gA Exclusive ‘I love Hitler’: Leaked messages expose Young Republicans’ racist chat NEW YORK — Leaders of Young Republican groups throughout the country worried what would happen if their Telegram chat ever got leaked, but they kept typing anyway. They referred to Black people as monkeys and “the watermelon people” and mused about putting their political opponents in gas chambers. They talked about raping their enemies and driving them to suicide and lauded Republicans who they believed support slavery. William Hendrix, the Kansas Young Republicans’ vice chair, used the words “n--ga” and “n--guh,” variations of a racial slur, more than a dozen times in the chat. Bobby Walker, the vice chair of the New York State Young Republicans at the time, referred to rape as “epic.” Peter Giunta, who at the time was chair of the same organization, wrote in a message sent in June that “everyone that votes no is going to the gas chamber.”

Well it depends on what you call bullshit. I've seen enough videos of people getting killed (murder and suicide) and I have to spend some hours afterwards in shock processing their dumbness. But at the end you laugh at the stupidity. You can hurt others, it is your own choice.

I'm not looking for some hotline number or “hang in there” crap. My life has been non‑stop abuse, poverty, mould, burning plastic, soul‑crushing jobs, no intimacy, nothing to look forward to. I’m broke, exhausted, and angry. Spiritually or ethically — whatever you want to call it — am I actually allowed to end this? Is suicide an actual escape from this nightmare, or is it just more pain somewhere else? I’m asking for honest answers from people who have been through hell or have studied spirituality deeply. Don’t sugarcoat it.

The history of Europe is the history of total war. Until not too long ago, it was assumed that the natural state of nations was war. Periods of peace were merely intervals between wars. Everyone enjoyed themselves with their colorful uniforms, drums, and trumpets, their bows, victories, and defeats, until the First World War arrived. Then the game shifted from a “savage sport of gentlemen” to “absolute horror.” From that cauldron of horror emerged dreadful figures who could only think of the next satanic orgy, while in Asia the Japanese descended into a state of collective madness, their repressed and ceremonial nature erupting into a wave of total aggression. With those ingredients came the Second World War, when the gates of hell opened. Let’s not deceive ourselves: the Americans and the British were simply a better business than the Nazis and the Japanese. And the gray empire that Russia imposed for decades over much of Europe was a sentence to suicidal depression. Thanks to the gods, who gifted us those works of art of destruction called nukes, the satanic orgy did not repeat itself again and again. Now humanity is condemned to understand each other, since the only alternative is annihilation. The law of life, which would have forced us to keep fighting forever for the sake of evolution, has met an absolute limit: the apocalypse. So, only the era of peace remains, one that will inevitably come sooner or later. Perhaps then we will all commit suicide together, out of sheer lack of meaning.

Resolve the core issue rather cause more issues by becoming a pariah state the world hates and getting hated on wherever you go as a tourist, sadly. Their not threatened from all sides. Their existence isn't at stake - its not a survival issue but a security issue caused by occupation. In other words - a security dilemma they have created by their own actions and continue to perpetuate rather than resolving the core issue. If a man takes my brother hostage with his gun to his head and arm around his neck - I don't just bomb the both of them. I also don't ask the criminal to step to the side to make space between him and my brother so I can bomb him anyway. If he wants something in exchange - it depends on what he's asking for. If the demand is nonsense and maximalist (such as I commit suicide in exchange for my brothers life ie Israel doesn't exist in exchange for a Palestinian state) then things get complicated and messy. If its a balanced demand (ie they want to exist in a Palestinian state with sovereignty along side Israel) then it should be entertained. If the demand is for a inalienable right the world already has consensus on and that I have little ground in standing in the way of - unless I want to be hated by the world for doing so and gaslight everyone for being anti-Semitic - then it makes sense to let the right manifest. It's called diplomacy and win-win cooperation - something Western hegemony is too arrogant for.

There’s something deeply twisted in the social expectation that men should surrender themselves in relationships — to yield their sovereignty, to cater, to open themselves up to a stranger and call it love. I’m not talking about partnership built on mutual power. I’m talking about the modern conditioning that frames male fulfillment as the act of giving up the very core of what makes him independent — his throne, his command post, his edge. Look closely. The word surrender is often wrapped in romance — “sweet surrender,” from man and who is to receive the special treatments and privileges as "serenade"? Women are on the receiving end of that a man surrender of resources, time, status, and sovereignty to be approved by a woman sexually. Who gets the luxury of receiving the surrendered masculine? It’s not him. It’s often someone who hasn’t earned that place — a stranger who isn’t stronger, wiser, or more spiritually advanced than him. Why should a man surrender to someone than himself — just because society has baked it into the script of dating and intimacy? It’s not noble. It’s not divine. It’s survival suicide. You’re literally training your nervous system to prioritize the survival of another over your own — and that’s not romantic, it’s pathological. Sovereignty isn’t coldness. It’s clarity. It’s the refusal to give your energy to a system that benefits from your collapse. If you’re not building your kingdom — spiritual, mental, physical — you’re being asked to decorate someone else’s. For me, the deeper I go into sovereignty, the more allergic I become to emotional contracts disguised as spiritual growth. If a woman expects me to give up my edge to make her feel safe, I’m out. That doesn’t mean I’m incapable of love. It means I value self-respect over validation, clarity over codependence, and spiritual autonomy over social conformity

Things in this world can get pretty heavy. Recently a top chess grandmaster and personality i liked to watch to learn about chess died [unconfirmed but most likely due to suicide] based on cheating accusations from Vladimir Kramnik and a whole series of cyber bullying. Be kind to one another and forgive yourself and others.

I’m a little confused sometimes about makes people not end their life. It’s like, I’m not the only one who struggles, yet all people who struggle don’t get suicidal thoughts. There are even people going through worse than me who don’t consider suicide. Sometimes when my suicidal thoughts get stronger I can spend hours researching suicide methods. I even bought some things I could use to kill myself but I haven’t used them yet. Sometimes I feel “I could keep living through this” But then other times I feel, I have no will to keep fighting for life. I should just end it. It would be better So I don’t understand how other people don’t feel like this when they struggle. Am I extra weak? I mean I think I’m like the average person when it comes to how much I can tolerate. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I guess I just lack a strong enough reason to live Like some people have let’s say family they are attached to, and it keeps them wanna live. But I don’t have that, I don’t love anyone at all so I have nobody to live for. It’s like all I have is my own mind. Im stuck inside of this brain 24/7. All I have access to is a comforting thought that can give me some strength. But then my mind gives up and wants to end it all. It oscillates like that Edit: I should probably answer my own question. Why don’t I kill myself? Well mostly because my situation is not like absolutely unbearable yet, so I feel I can stand it for some time ahead. Also I am afraid of a failed attempt and the pain it can cause for example you could get permanent injury. Thats it mostly. Regarding the first point. I hear stories about people going through unbearable things, so they go through it even if it’s absolutely unbearable, I don’t know how they do. Suicide must have crossed their mind at some point

Time to get some Red examples going up in here. Try to find some healthy ones too. Red is all too easy to demonize. List of Stage Red Values: Personal power, strength, might, brute force Displays of toughness Brazen courage, valor, heroism, daring Being the boss, being #1, winning at all costs Conquering one’s enemies, domination The thrill of conquest Warrior mentality, a glorious death, heroic deeds Competitive, crush your opponents Resolving disputes with ruthless force Winning, victory, conquest, triumph against odds Ambition, playing it big Revenge Respect Loyalty Decisiveness, assertiveness Passion, action Pragmatic, direct, no-nonsense Taking initiative & ownership, personal willpower Getting things done, just do it Unilateral control, executive power Glitz, ostentatious displays, grandiosity Wants to be bigger than life Status, recognition of prowess Machismo, pride, bragging Charisma, plain talk Intimidation, manipulation, exploitation Sexual conquest & exploitation Sex as power and vanity, sadistic sex Enjoying life to the fullest Adventure, thrill-seeking, living boldly Power contests, like slapping/arm-wrestling Breaking rules, finding loop holes Breaking with the pack & pushing the envelope Stage Red Examples: Trump, Saddam Hussein, Iraq, Syria, Hitler, Stalin, Liberia, Somalia, North Korea, Myanmar, Turkmenistan, Haiti, Africa, Middle East, Palestine, warlords, mafia, Tony Soprano, Al Capone, pirates, marauders, gangs, Yakuza, violent prisoners, prison culture, freedom fighters, revolutionaries, criminals, rapists, con artists, thieves, terrorists, juvenile delinquents, ancient Rome, gladiator combat, Caligula, Nero, Roman emperors, spartan, Chinese emperors, Japanese emperors, Alexander the Great, Achilies, Klingons, hackers, toxic narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, lone shooters, Conan the Barbarians, Joe Pesci from Casino, Russian mob, toxic masculinity / Red Pill, vikings, Genghis Khan, Mongol hordes, drug addicts, gamblers, criminal underground, war criminals, massacres, torture, rape gangs, wild rock stars, Jules from Pulp Fiction, Joffery from GoT, Ramsey from GoT, Cersie from GoT, Dothraki from GoT, the Joker, cult leaders like Jim Jones & Charles Manson, David Koresh, Aztec human sacrifice, pimps, hustlers, prostitutes, sex trafficking, brothels, strippers, porn stars, violent porn, snuff films, king’s harems, absolute monarchs, feudalism, heads on pikes, Vlad the Impaler, crucifixion, cutting off body parts, cruel & unusual punishment, villains in movies, bullies, colonial exploitation, sweat shops, slavery, wild west, Terminator, Rambo, throwing objects when angry, cocaine, heroine, crack, meth users, suicide bombers, lesser Jihad, ISIS, domestic violence, MMA / UFC, boxing, Mike Tyson, Don King, Connor McGregor, bank robbers, the tyrannical boss, bribery, bling, gold teeth & chains, the hood, drive-by shootings, bloodsport, cock fighting, dog fighting, animal cruelty, sports fights, pro wrestling, movie Lord of War, Alex Jones, L Ron Hubbard, David Miscavige, 9/11, Oklahoma City bombing, some incels, some pickup, Jeffy rape van, Kanye dragon energy, rap music, heavy metal music, punk music, Mexican drug cartels, El Chapo, Grand Theft Auto game, graffiti, No Country For Old Men, Old Testament, Sith from Star Wars, Fight Club, A Clockwork Orange, Dan Pena, hunting homeless people for sport, Black Panthers, KKK, Machiavelli, women as property

I feel like there's a lot of context missing here. We don't even know your situation properly so how can we help? You said you budgetted whatever you could and did everything you could, but did you really? I'm not trying to be rude here but are you being honest with yourself and with us? Anyways, my reason for never committing suicide is that your life can always get better. Doesn't matter how dire your life situation is right now, there's always at least SOMETHING you can do to improve your life. And for you it may seem you've tried everything, but as you may know our egos tend to trick ourselves. So maybe there's some ddifferent approach you haven't tried yet who knows? But in the end it's your decision. I've just always viewed suicide as cowardly, at least in the context of emotional suffering like in your case, because how cowardly does one have to be to run away from all their problems in life? Again i don't know your circumstances but that's just how i'd see it if i were in your shoes. And the fact that not knowing what's after death is the only thing stopping you just sounds like an excuse to not take radical action to start changing your life. I'm making a lot of assumptions here because you didn't really give me much to work with, especially considering the limited context you asked this question. I only know that you're 28, live in a moldy room somewhere, have financial problems, and probably lives in the US? Like i don't even know in which country you live. Look man there's always light at the end of the tunnel, even if doesn't seem that way. I truly believe this tho, and i also believe that you can control how you feel about your life. But to end things of i can ask a few questions: In which country do you live? (Different health care systems in different countries) Why do you live in a moldy appartment? (As in what's stopping you from moving to a better place?) Do you have financial constraints? Why? (Can influence your possibilities for getting help or not) What got you to this situation at the age of 28? What past experiences and wvents caused you to feel/live this way? Like if you're going to ask a loaded question as you put it, then at least give the appropriate context so people can actually help you you know? There are just a looot of questions unanswered here, of which the answers to those questions matter a lot on what kind of help you need. Do you have any mental illnesses for example? Are you physivally healthy? Are you not obese? Is your sleep schedule good? Do you have a job? What kind of job and what kind of influence does it have over your life? How much money do you make? Can you make ends meet? Etc. Do you get what i'm saying man? Anyways sorry for the long message but if you're truly considering suicide then get some help brother. And if you can't, then ask yourself why. There's always a way.

I know I'm oversharing this guy but guys really need to see it. This episode really hits like a truck. I also put a summary. This is a structured nested summary of the provided source material, "The disposable man: all lives are not worth the same," based on the transcript excerpts: I. Introduction of the Core Concept: The Brainwashing of the Disposable Man The topic of the talk is the disposable man, discussing ideas that may be difficult for some men to hear because they may cause them to question their identities in a deep, fundamental way. The speaker, Dr. Orion Teraban, asserts that most men on this planet are brainwashed; this word is used because no better alternative describes men's predicament. This brainwashing is supported in a million subtle ways across most cultures and has been going on so long that its existence is completely naturalized. This condition is often mistaken for a biological difference, similar to how women’s historical social conditions were mistaken for their natural inferiority. II. The Historical Analogy: The Kamikaze Script To bring the belief into sharper focus, the historical contrast of the Kamikaze practice during WWII is presented. Kamikaze pilots were young men who were ordered to dive-bomb American battleships, resulting in their death but potentially killing hundreds of the enemy. They were highly honored and their self-sacrifice in the service of others was established as the highest goal a man could attain. The crucial, often unstated, element is that the "others" were primarily women sheltered on the home front; thus, self-sacrifice in the service of women was the highest goal. The speaker argues that a healthy, functioning man would not voluntarily surrender his life, especially given the protoplasmic desire of every cell to continue living, without an overarching ideology (like patriotism or love) and significant propaganda and indoctrination. The Modern Parallel: Men today are still raised to imitate the divine wind. The core belief programming men is that men are most useful as sacrifices, and their usefulness is proportional to the size of their sacrifice. Culture programs men in insidious ways to die or be willing to die when necessary so their sacrifice might be useful to others, especially to women. This programming is suggested as a large part of why far more men commit suicide than women. III. Manifestations of Male Disposability A. Literal Sacrifice and Governmental Mandates The Kamikaze comparison is both literal and figurative. Literal Sacrifice exists today as men are sent to war to die for causes they may not understand or benefit from. In the United States, men are forced to enroll in Selective Service, a program many American women are unaware of. This lack of concern stems from the belief that men are the disposable sex and expendable. The speaker suggests that collectively fewer wars might have been fought historically if belligerents were forced to send women—the "valued sex"—into battle. B. Figurative Sacrifice in Relationships Men are more commonly expected to make a figurative self-sacrifice in the service of women. This involves giving up hopes, dreams, interests, friends, happiness, and the possibility of happiness if these things conflict with his duty to his woman. Men are urged to "grow up, man up, and step up" when action benefits a woman's interests, not necessarily their own self-interest. C. Economic Sacrifice and the Argument for Partial Slavery Romantic relationships are argued to be the largest wealth redistribution program in history, whether wealth is transferred through taxes/social programs or material expectations of courtship/marriage. Even opting out offers little protection, as the bachelor tax has been "rebranded as the tax advantages of filing jointly". Men's income (single, married, or divorced) is expected to support women partially, a way that women’s income is never expected to support men. The belief that one is entitled to another person's wealth implies an entitlement to the labor that created that wealth. Believing one is entitled to another person's labor is defined as slavery. This is considered a partial, proportional, and indirect form of slavery that operates functionally in plain sight, and the speaker argues that even partial forms of slavery are abominable and must be called out. IV. The Psychology of Compliance and Resistance The speaker expects most pushback to the ideas presented to come from men, not women. A significant subset of men has so deeply identified with the programming that they have elevated sacrifice in the service of women to an ideal and a source of pride. These men are argued to suffer from a kind of Stockholm syndrome, having imbued this "captive ideology" with positive, even holy or "divine wind," attributes. The depth of this programming is further demonstrated by men who are depressed, hopeless, and self-loathing because they currently lack a beneficiary (a woman) to whom they can offer their lives as sacrifice; they are "soldiers in want of a war". The programming leads men to feel guilty for not getting involved, or ashamed when their sacrifice is rejected as insufficient (like Cain). To show how quickly men become reasonable regarding self-sacrifice, the speaker suggests swapping the gender of the person in distress. While protecting "Kyle" would invoke questions about his actions, self-sufficiency, and the potential gain from intervention, turning "Kyle" into "Carla" changes the situation significantly, especially when "honor" is introduced. V. The Radical Position: The Invitation to Life The solution is for men to recognize the programming and turn away from death and sacrifice, focusing instead on life, abundance, and prosperity. The speaker takes the radical position that his life, hopes, and dreams are no less valuable than a woman’s. He argues that a life without honor (not the same as dishonor) is preferable to a death with honor, a concept most women implicitly understand. A man's life is not less precious on the basis of his gender, and accepting this will lead to more peace, justice, and equality in the world. The traditional masculine desire for honor and glory is often exploited, acting like a "bull fighter's cape" that leads men right into the sword. Men are challenged to move beyond merely dying for their women, and instead choose to live for them—meaning they must be healthy, take care of themselves, be abundant, and share resources. Dying in the service of an ideal, while courageous, may be an escape from a higher calling: the invitation not to death, but to life—to be healthy, virtuous, strong, powerful, abundant, and prosperous (classical virtues existing before Christianity). While self-sacrifice (exemplified by Christ) is a good thing, the ideal is easily exploited by others. Life demands more than death, and choosing life is often the harder choice. VI. Conclusion and Resources The speaker encourages listeners to send the episode to someone who might benefit and supports the channel through word-of-mouth referrals. Resources available include: a free weekly newsletter, paid one-on-one consultation sessions, the book The Value of Others (exploring intersexual relationships through behavioral economics), and the member community, The Captain's Quarters. The Captain’s Quarters offers access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bimonthly group consultation sessions hosted by the speaker, and exclusive content.

@DocWatts they are not joking about driving people to suicide. I was in the hospital for mental health where I met other trauma survivors. Some of them were victims of modern day neo nazis who tried to drive them to suicide after doing the same to their friends. They coerce them into jumping off of bridges to disguise the murder as suicide and they get away with this constantly. This is why the suicide statistics are wrong. As it stands nearly 50 percent of murder cases are never solved. That is not counting the proxy suicide murderers because they are not even being recorded as murders. I am also a survivor of a proxy suicide attempt by my abusive family member. I was being targeted even more because of my severe depression and there was sadistic pleasure on the harm being caused with impunity. The other family members still refuse to admit that abuse is even happening and they tell me I am the problem somehow. I really need to leave, but there are some genuine constraints combined with sentimental bullshit around some family members I love. The point remains is that they are definitely not joking about those suicides. I have met survivors and the legal system is terrible at prosecuting this because they don't take psychological abuse as seriously as physical abuse due to the greater difficulty in proving against plausible deniability without direct words.

Morality takes a backseat when you live in a state of war; what prevails is what works. In cases of open war, it's a good idea to treat prisoners well, as this makes them more likely to surrender. But in wars against terrorism, things are different. The US has Guantanamo , in Germany, terrorists committed mass suicide. If you're a Polisario fighter and you're captured by Morocco, you'll have a bad time. And if you're a Kurdish guerrilla and you're captured by the Turks, it's even worse, if you are a Chechen terrorist and you are going to be captured by Russians, better commit suicide

• "Will to Die": His philosophy, influenced by Schopenhauer but far more extreme, centered on the idea that the fundamental driving force of the universe is a "Will to Die" (Wille zum Tode), the reverse of Schopenhauer's "Will to Live." • "God's Suicide": Mainländer theorized that at the beginning of time, a unitary God (or Monad) chose to commit suicide out of a desire for absolute nothingness, shattering itself into the time-bound fragments that constitute the universe. In this view, existence itself is the decaying corpse of God, and all life carries an inherent, unconscious desire for annihilation as the ultimate "redemption." • Redemption: For Mainländer, death was the desired liberation, and the purpose of humanity and all existence was to collectively aim for peaceful extinction, or "cosmic euthanasia."

I'm not sure where you got your answers from but when I asked AI (Claude AI) I got this - There's no clear scientific answer to this - individual variation would matter far more than sex/gender. Research on solitary confinement shows that psychological deterioration depends on factors like: Individual differences (regardless of gender): Pre-existing mental health conditions Previous trauma or stress exposure Personality traits (introversion vs. extroversion) Coping mechanisms and resilience Age and cognitive flexibility Situational factors: Duration and conditions of confinement Whether there's any sensory stimulation Previous experience with isolation Access to activities, reading materials, etc. While there are some gender differences in mental health statistics generally (women have higher rates of depression and anxiety disorders, men have higher rates of substance abuse), these population-level trends don't reliably predict individual responses to extreme stress like solitary confinement. Solitary confinement is considered harmful to virtually everyone when prolonged, with documented effects including anxiety, depression, hallucinations, cognitive impairment, and increased suicide risk - affecting people of all genders. The most honest answer is: it would depend entirely on the specific individuals involved, not their gender.

My Birthday I have a lot of reasons why I hate my birthday and I want to vent about it. My birthday is the Hindu equivalent of having your birthday on Christmas. I was ever able to celebrate my birthday on the day of even when my birthday fell on a weekend because no could come because there is a handful of holidays always around my birthday. A few years it was so bad that my birthday got delayed to December. My birthday is in October. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to pop out a month early. All it got me was a visit to the NICU and a lifetime of sharing my birthday with my biggest opp, my mother. I have the same birthday as my mom and let's just say that I don't have a good relationship with her. Because I have the same birthday as a family member, I have to spend my birthday with my family whether I like it or not. And that means being forced to hang out with people that I hate. Birthdays always felt really performative. I was depressed for a good chunk of my childhood and birthdays meant forcing a smile around the very people that made me miserable and forcing myself to celebrate. As a result, my depression would be at it's worst at around September and October. Growing up it was also a reminder of how many years I was also depressed. I also don't like presents or cake. Cake is alright, but I pretty much like every kind of dessert more than it. Growing up I would always say that I wanted a pie for my birthday instead of a cake. It was my one request. And my family said I was stupid and weird for wanting that. My boyfriend makes me a pie every year for my birthday and it always makes me cry because he's the only one who ever listened to me or gave a fuck about what I wanted rather than focusing on what would make him feel or look good. I don't like presents because 90% of the time it's something dumb and it shows how much people barely know me. I've also had a lot of family members try to buy my love through gifts so now I have a negative association with it. It feels weird having so much attention on me. I guess part of it may be the fact that I share a birthday. But I just feel awkward and egotistical. I don't like announcing my birthday as it is coming up. Again, I feel awkward and attention hungry for that. Kind of related to point 6&7, but I feel weird about celebrating myself in general even if I did something big. So I feel even weirder for celebrating myself when I didn't do anything at all. As a result, birthdays kind of just feel like a participation trophy for life to me. I don't feel this way about other people's birthdays. I think it's beautiful to celebrating and appreciating someone just existing without having them had done something. I just feel weird when it comes to me. I'm also usually having an existential crisis around my birthday because I'm reflecting on my life as a whole. For a large chunk of my life, that came with depression (see point 4) but nowadays, it comes with just me journalling and thinking a lot. Not necessarily in a negative and ruminating way but it a very neutral way. As a result, I always want a more chill birthday to just be with my thoughts. But then I have people who make me feel bad about it because I don't want to go out and celebrate. I also don't like telling people about my birthday because I don't want to deal with the possibility of them forgetting. I also don't want to plan things out in the fear that everything falls through. I also have a list of negative memories that have been popping up associated with my birthday. This is in no particular order. I had two suicide attempts. The first was the night before my 16th birthday. I was horribly depressed because this birthday marked me being depressed for over half my life and I didn't see the point in living. I put the gun away and the next day I went to school and found out that people made a surprise party for me. I was crying while people singing me a happy birthday and people thought it was tears of happiness but really I was thinking about the night before and how my actions would have affected other people given what they were planning. I had my friends forget about me on my 17th birthday. I was drifting from my friends due to a couple of deaths I had in my family and I was not coping with that grief well. That was not a fun realization to come to on my birthday. Then on my 18th, I straight up didn't have anyone to celebrate with. The second was around my 21st. I finally got out of my bad household and had the room to heal when I was in college but then I got dragged back into that environment because of COVID. It felt like there was no end in sight, both in terms of what was going on with my family but also when it came to the pandemic and how it was affecting the world around me and my prospects. This time I ended up in the hospital. My 22nd was rough too because I felt like I missed a chunk of my 20s to the pandemic and that I'm like this emotional wreck who feels stunted and like she doesn't have her life together. I had a really bad existential crisis. And that was golden birthday. For a while, my birthday was also a reminder of those attempts and that in it of itself was triggering and yet another reason why my depression would flare up around that time. But that has since faded for the most part. Sometimes I still feel like it's partially my fault for having these attempts around my birthday because I essentially tainted my birthday myself. Being forced to be around my aunt and uncle is already upsetting for me. But almost every year, my aunt goes into some kind of disgusting Fox News esq rant during our meal. One time, I took my family out for brunch and she went on this rant on how teachers don't deserve to be paid, that public education is a waste of money because the kids are unruly and demonic, and how they all deserve to be beat.... Yeah.... we had a few tables stare at us with that one. This was my 23rd. My parents got me a chocolate cake for my birthday. A few days later I was craving cake so I went to the fridge to get a slice only to not find it. I asked my mom what happened to it and she told me that she gave the cake away to her students at her school. When I told her that made me upset because she did this without my permission, she said that I'm being too sensitive and selfish and that I need to lose weight anyways. Bruh.. this situation still makes me mad. I had a phase where I really got into cake decorating shows. Even though I don't like cake like that, I wanted to embrace it and make something nice. I had a guy make fun of me and say that I was pathetic, lonely, and embarrassing because I made a cake for myself because if people cared about me, they would get a cake for me. Despite being depressed, my family would force me to do a birthday party because they thought that if they didn't that they would look bad in front of their community and that was more important than how I felt. I also remember getting yelled at on my 10th birthday. It lasted like a couple hours. I have undiagnosed ADHD and instead of getting me help, my parents resorted to the *disciplining your kid out of ADHD approach* which mainly resulted in me getting yelled at for hours or getting hit. Earlier that day, I had something happen at school that was messed up. Back then, I was still happy about having a birthday with my mom because I didn't yet have a super bad relationship with her and when I proudly exclaimed that my mom and I share a birthday, a girl who didn't like me in school told me that she bets that my parents hate me because I was born on my mom's birthday and I ruined that day for her. Yeah, I cried myself to sleep that night. So yeah, I cried myself to sleep these last two nights thinking about the above. Last night I also cried about how dry my social life is right now and how I miss this friend who ghosted me. I also cried after work today. I found out that I was put on phone duty at work on the week of my birthday. I have been on phone duty a lot lately because my team is understaffed and it's been quite stressful because it usually means that I have to work overtime and I'm being micromanaged. I was happy that this was happening on the week after my birthday but then due to a last minute change it's now happening on the week of. I've also been stressing about feeling behind and stagnant in my life because of some goals that I didn't reach this year and because people are side eyeing me because I'm in a relationship for over 3 years with no ring even though I'm not ready to get married yet.

I am very grateful that I am mostly healthy and able to ejoy life in the present moment. However, sometimes I do get sick or a headache and I wonder, damn, how are the people that feel like this 24/7 able to live? Why wouldn't they just end it and hope for a better reincarnation? Especially if one has already awakened to his true nature that as eternal and infinite.

Update on the two moronic Russian encirclements of their propaganda push, looks like the third group held (sort of) but the drones are still stopping any movement. They've tried over many days/weeks to reach these forces now and just keep getting vehicles ripped to shreds by drones. So they've resorted to sending out suicide squads crawling over the ground to try to reach the cut-off units. It wasn't the most costly encirclement of the war, but its turning into it, by them just keeping sending old-styled armored columns, trying to ignore the drones. *This video helps expand the understanding of how drones shape the battlefield control. I can't remember the video now but up in Sumy these tactics are being exploited. Russia will not withdraw from terrain they set foot in, so Ukraine bypasses them and just hits their supplies, over and over and over. They are getting destroyed up there too, and some say routed, because everyone knows what they will do. Rush to a settlement, jump off light bikes or cars, and then try to dig in, with nothing much but small arms. No supplies to speak of.

Leo, imagine you were having the scenario above as a lucid dream at night. And you clearly know that you dream, and that you will wake up at some point. And you experience this dream, and clearly know its just a temporary passing dream. How much would this affect you? The dream would still be very sad, you would probably still cry. But you would clearly know it is a dream. And that this dream won't last forever, and can't and won't change your essence, and is mere appearance. And now you can imagine Enlightenment as being aware that this life and world is just an appearing dream. Including your body, thoughts, I-thoughts, feelings, anything. And this realization is always available, because all thoughts and appearances have become mere lucid appearances "dancing" in Infinite Being. Dreamstuff. Wouldn't it make much more sense to work towards waking up and making the dream lucid (Enlightenment), instead of chasing more dream Aliens and understandings? Because the chasing/grasping is the opposite of resting in choiceless Awareness for long times, which is necessary for waking up. And btw., nobody has said there is no suffering. There is tremendous suffering in this world, and most beings take that as very real, because for them it is not a dream but appears very real, and very dualistic self vs. other, and very much suffering/self-contraction. Did anybody doubt that? Francis Lucille, The Perfume of Silence: "Suffering, psychological suffering, is not necessary and can be avoided. However, there is certainly pain and that cannot be avoided. Hence the distinction. To enjoy pleasure and suffer pain is part of the package of having a body. Psychological suffering is the most intense of all and it is not necessary. If you don’t want to make a distinction, I cannot explain why psychological suffering is not necessary. Psychological suffering is related to the notion of a sufferer, a person. It is always related to past and future. Consider for instance the case of my friend William Samuel. During World War II he was in China. He was assigned a Chinese interpreter who was a Taoist sage, although he didn’t know it at the time. The first thing that he noticed about this man was that he was always happy, smiling and enjoying. One day they were in great danger. William’s platoon was being pursued by the Japanese who were very close. They were running back towards their lines. There were hills on the horizon and the sage pointed to the purple line of the mountains and said to William, “Look, how beautiful!” William said, “It was the last thing I would have thought about at that moment.” Some time later William discovered that three months earlier the sage’s wife had been raped and killed by the Japanese and that they had also killed his two sons. That’s what triggered his interest in this man, and he eventually became his student. This Taoist sage was free from the past. He may have been in pain, but he was not suffering on account of the death of his wife and children. In seeing the beauty of the purple hills while under enemy fire, he was teaching a wonderful lesson in courage and love. It is hard to imagine more atrocious circumstances." and And why is there evil and suffering? For learning. According to pretty much all OBLers, there is a life review after death. The soul gets reflected from the energies/emotions it caused as evil-doer, and can learn. The soul of the victim can also learn to not do what the prepetrator did. The impacts caused from ones life come back, for learning and reviewing. This can be a quite hellish experience, for example Jürgen Ziewe describes a suicide-bombers afterlife. Not for the faint-of-hearted. I think your view that everbody goes singing with the angels/aliens and becoming Infinity after death is a bit naive and is not in line with thousands of OBElers of the millienia exploring the Afterlife-Realms. I can only recommend you to cause as little havoc as possible with your followers, and lead them in a good direction. It will all come back to you. In the dream called Afterlife-review and Afterlife-realms. Bon voyage!

Around 3 weeks ago I decided to go on complete detox. I blocked my bios. I saved the password on my phone and I would keep my phone in the lock box I had bought as well. I started feeling weird the very first day which during next few days would become stronger and I also started feeling cold loneliness. Two weeks after I was on my day off and I decided to go for a walk to the bridge near the place I used to live. When I just set not to far from the bridge, I felt a tremendous fear and anxiety. It was feeling like my entire body was disappearing. I got spooked off and I went to the cannabis store for a vape. I vaped 2 days straight and I started jerking off on porn again. Weed & porn calmed me down a lot. I was able to go to the same place near the river and to meditate there sitting for 20 minutes so weed and porn are obviously my coppes. Then I decided to actually smoke weed once a week and watch porn once every 5 days (I’ve failed to it but it’s okay, I can do it I know). I also started to meditate 2 times a day 20-30 minutes each session. 4 days into meditation and no tv, netflix or any entertainment and no porn and things started coming up. I began to feel the emotions I had been avoiding all this time. It was literally overwhelming. On top of that I realized how shallow human life is (or rather the dark side of it) when I saw my rich boss and his unhappy wife (although they are rich and have 3 kids). I noticed their unhappiness and started to wonder why are they unhappy. It ultimately led to realize that we humans are doomed with unhappiness, thinking if we reach this or that we will become happy. It turned out not to be the case. But also, I think I concentrated too much only on that part which is ultimately isn’t real. Canada post has been postponing my 5MeO-DMT vape and I need it asap. This molecule will help me to go through this period of pain realization, otherwise it’s too difficult. I was crying this morning because I felt so fed up with living during my morning meditation and I also cried on the bus on the way to work and in the evening after doing EMDR. When I was doing it, I got to the point where there was just too much pain. I had had been traumatized so many times in the past and I was denying it. I had experienced neglect, abandonment, humiliation and I was ashamed by and laughed at dozens of times for years. Basically, all my doings are designed to ran away from that feeling by all means: making friends, watching movies, picking up girls, gym, watching porn, pursuing career and thinking. All of the these are designed to keep me away from that feeling of loneliness. And what I realize is that if I hadn’t developed those copping strategies (although dysfunctional) I would’ve been dead already. The image of my perfect gf was designed to give me hope to find my second half to make me feel full and alive and loving. I think a lot of people are trying to ran away or cope with pain (emotional or physical), fear and feeling of loneliness. I went very deep this time and I probably shouldn’t have because I had some thoughts about what is the easiest and painless way to do it or how many people committed suicide on Thanksgiving (turned out not as many people do it in October I asked AI lol). I am going to take it easy, be gentle with myself, loving, accepting and forgiving, there is no rush. I also need to focus on holistic understanding rather than just one side of polarities of life. What about humor, laughs, nature, cute animals and of course big breasted women? I am love at the end of the day (I remember).

I've been watching Leo's prerequisite videos for conscious politics and am hoping to run for a local office or voulenteer for one but wasn't really sure how/where to start. I have struggled with subatance abuse and sucicdal thoughts and I want to get involved with these issues. I would love any/all feedback

Before flying home from my month-long stay at Shunyamurti’s ashram in Costa Rica, I found a guy who was offering Bufo Alvarius retreats: 100g of Changa on the first day, 70g of Bufo Alvarius (roughly 5-10mg of 5-MeO) on the second, and a little over 4g of magic mushrooms, a mixture of roughly 1.5g Mazatapec and 2.5g of Tidal Wave, on the third day. I had never used any of these substances before, although I had a phase of taking moderate (100-250 microgram) doses of LSD whilst I was at university many years ago. Having reached a point in life where I felt like I had nothing left to lose, I thought I would see if there is anything there… We did Rapé, which helped me purge energy that was stuck in my lower body, and Sananga before the first two sessions. After being sick multiple times from the Rapé, my Changa experience was like the unconditional love of the Mother which I have always longed for. I felt totally innocent and pure like an infant. We did the session late in the evening and apparently the birds started singing! My Bufo experience was love in the form of total empathy: in the space of about fifteen minutes, I became many people in my life who have meant something to me; I totally left my own frame of reference and inhabited their own. It became fascinatingly apparent that all of this is just one consciousness masquerading in so many different forms. I have always been overly sensitive to other people so I suppose Bufo cranked this aspect of my character up! However, I must confess that these first two experiences left me slightly disappointed and in agreement with the spiritual teaching that psychedelics are still within the realm of illusion… Both experiences were very beautiful and profound but some deeper part of me still found it trivial in some way. Having said that, I did come away from Bufo with a strong feeling of reverence and a sense that it had much more to teach me. I look forward to returning to it once I have recovered from and assimilated the last experiences. Although I didn’t really enjoy the first half of the psilocybin trip because it was just too weird, childish and overwhelming, the most profound part of the retreat was the latter half of the psilocybin trip. The cartoonish and evanescent hallucinations of psilocybin wore off and I went into a space which was much closer to the 5-MeO experience the night before. I was still hallucinating but now perfect unfolding triangular fractals and divine geometry, illogical tunnels leading to spiritual revelations, myself and other devotees prostrating ourselves in awe before God as a giant orb of light. I felt highly in tune with myself, authentic and natural. I was laughing and crying in a way which felt totally genuine and which I have never done before: my laughter normally feels slightly contrived and, although I do cry a lot anyway, these were different tears of self-forgiveness and spiritual mercy. Loads of mucus was coming out of my nose as well, it was a very purging and relieving experience and I still feel very different days afterwards. There was a genuine sense of devotion and awe at the supreme majesty of God which I have only felt rarely in my life. There are a lot of other things I could talk about - a lot of my psilocybin trip centred around how awful modern life seems to me, a sense of apocalyptic glee around the number 444, “4:44, the clock is ticking!”, the kinky and sexual aspect of “playing a role” which became apparent on Bufo, various personal psychological insights, a fortunately short-lived desire to commit suicide on mushrooms for no negative reason but just out of a feeling of completeness and an apathy regarding the modern world, and so on. In the end, though, I couldn’t stop laughing at the absurdity of it all... It’s all a joke! At one point in the psilocybin trip I thought I was going to die because I had swallowed some tiny flecks of wool from my jumper! This became so funny to me. I was telling my guide how I was conceived in Vienna - he told me that his mother was a wealthy Jew from Vienna who had to flee because of the Nazi’s - because my parents had sex on a holiday in Vienna which my Dad won on the game show Wheel of Fortune. He said: “So you were born because of a wheel of fortune?” This became so funny to me. The lesson that I want to integrate from this is that it’s all a big joke! I also felt a renewed appreciation for and affinity with Actualized.org and Leo’s teachings. These substances are very powerful in revealing the ways in which the mind constructs reality… At one point on mushrooms I literally watched my mind creating reality in slow motion, as if it was made out of building blocks like Lego! Very strange… We are such stuff as dreams are made of.

After a long period of soul searching i have found that i am deeply selfish and narcissistic. And i find that whatever i do about it is just shit im adding on and then suffering the fact that i essentially am my enviroment i grew up in. I grew up in a shitty abusive household with manipulation and narcissism and have found that i adopted these traits, yet these traits have serious consequences for my life. I have long tried reaching out, seeing some way to "fix" myself to stop being narcissistic yet the very self trying to stop being narcissistic is narcissism itself So i am essentially stuck in this vibrational energy field of being narcissistic and attracting other narcissistic people, its like a self serving loop i cant quite get out of. I have long pondered suicide but after deeper consideration, i know that i am essentially not different from my narcissism, and whatever actions i take will not bring about a real change, perhabs my next life will be just as dominated by narcissism and narcissistic tendencies, because the act of taking my own life is itself narcissism in action. My question is, how do i create a more pleasant experience? How can i improve my sense of myself, if at all? Thanks-

Nothing disappears. But you will experience it totally different. Don't think that this was simple or easy in any way. It took my whole life falling completely apart to be where I am now. The last step is Grace. You don't do it yourself. The whole world collapses in that moment, but nothing disappears. In my case only my room existed for a couple of days (no human contact, but not even human noises outside or when I went for a walk). It completely feels like dying on a deeply emotional level. And it is. You become aware of what always has been the case: You ARE dying, but you run around and do everything to keep it going—but now you can't run anymore. It took a situation where I literally gave up my whole life. I EVEN had to let go of my Life Purpose! And it came back to me as a part of reality itself, as if existence assimilated my whole energy and memory. Then I died. This is not my work now. We're all alone in this together. Oh and by the way, important reminder: I am still fully human, too! I feel and experience everything exactly the same! Except that there is now a constant opening, which you could call....death. That's why all the time characters and egos appear (also from past lives and also from other's lives as well.. which is supremely weird) but they immediately begin to desintegrate when I abide in that awareness. This is even possible while I'm in public or even while talking to someone. You could say Death is now my modus operandi. It has become the fundament instead of the ego. Surprisingly this opens a connection to Divine Intelligence, which I very much enjoy. This is also what this world (Humanity) needs the most right now. We're not very intelligent creatures, but the good news is that connection to a higher form of Intelligence is possible. In this way that process will now still go on for quite a while (characters appearing, dying, integrating) until I'm really ready to step into the public, which I definitely plan to do at some point. You could call it True Suicide. Because what we call death is merely a process of recycling.

Sure, sure, there are no proofs about the Nord stream. Sorry, those arguments are compelling. If I told you that Hitler didn't like Jews, you could provide a huge pile of outraged data claiming that Hitler loved Jews, but that they wanted to commit suicide, and Hitler hospitalized them to prevent such suicides. He would personally sing them Hebrew songs before they went to sleep, but the ungrateful ones still committed suicide.