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@emil1234 for me the thing with psychedelic was like that: At first, it was emotional, etc., but at a certain point, with 5 meo, it was: absolute emptiness. Reality is a mirage, and beneath it there is emptiness. Infinite, it opens absolutely, and there is nothing. Or, if you prefer, there is an awareness of emptiness. It was absolutely horrible; I felt like committing suicide. Reality was dead; it didn't really exist; it was just dead emptiness. Absolutely depressing. So I had to take psychedelics again and again because I sensed that this horrible shit couldn't be everything. But every time it was the same, dozens of times. It was something so sad and so nihilistic that it squeezed your heart and froze it. It doesn't matter if you are eternal consciousness; the essence of reality is nothing, so reality is nothing. It's dead. At one point, on a trip, I realized that I was looking outside; I was an observer observing the exterior. There was nothing there. Then i changed the focus, then stopped looking, became one with nothingness, and in that same instant, nothingness opened up. It was everything. Absolute, unlimited, alive with infinite lives, shining like infinite stars, an absolute cry of joy emerging from the depths of the abyss of the limitless. Absolute freedom, absolute life, total glory. Loneliness? That idea doesn't exist. You are total, much more than any dream, impossible to think, unlimited. Then the point was reaching that openenss without 5 meo, little by little, difficult, a lot of barriers. That's why I talk so much about it like I'm an obsessive ,because it's essential, anything else is a trap

Thanks my frog Natalia : "Yeaa i'm so bored i will commit suicide it's not going to happen like that 😤" Also Natalia 5 mn later : Process to avoid getting another warning point at all cost on actualized.org/forum ☹️

For forty years I have been selling water by the bank of a river. Ho, ho! My labors have been wholly without merit. Forty years of selling water by the river, and about fifty years before that gathering water in a wicker basket. Ho, ho! - Sogaku Harada So why should SWbtR end up with more merit than Harada? PS: Chapt-GPT: Interpret "In my observation, the main thing that will get the "Everyone is already enlightened/God-realized/whatever" crew to wise up is continued suffering of the self-contraction. And then, hopefully, at some time this life or the next, transcend the self-contraction and let it die&release, which most often a daunting endeavour since it is a form of Harakiri. And yet, all ships end up in the Ocean. The River knows the ocean, and carries all ships slowly towards it, over many lifetimes. But most of the ships do not know the ocean. Some ships traveling the River declare that they already swim in the ocean and declare that there are no sandbanks of suffering in the River. And since the chap Selling Water by the River has limited trust in his abilities to convince these ships about the existence of sandbanks, sometimes a & Godspeed shout from the bank of the River has to be sufficient. Shouting Godspeed & bon voyage & sandbanks to all fellow appearing ships in the River. And selling water. By the River." This poetic and metaphorical passage is a critique of a certain kind of premature spiritual certainty—specifically, the claim that "everyone is already enlightened/God-realized/whatever." Here's a breakdown of the metaphors and meaning: 🔍 Core Ideas 1. "Everyone is already enlightened" - A critique The speaker refers to people who claim that enlightenment or realization is already fully present in everyone, and nothing needs to be done—no path, no practice, no transformation. The speaker argues that this belief, while perhaps metaphysically appealing, often ignores the lived reality of suffering, especially what they call the "self-contraction"—a term often used in nondual and spiritual traditions to mean the sense of separateness, ego, or personal identity. 2. "Continued suffering of the self-contraction" as a wake-up call The speaker suggests that continued suffering is what eventually forces people to re-examine their spiritual certainty. True transcendence of this self-contraction is possible, but it's daunting—compared to Harakiri (ritual suicide) because it feels like the ego/self must die. 🌊 River, Ocean, and Ships — Spiritual Metaphors River: The journey of spiritual development or life across lifetimes. Ocean: Enlightenment, God-realization, or union with the divine. Ships: Individuals on the spiritual path. Sandbanks: Obstacles, suffering, egoic attachments that remain unacknowledged by some. Some ships think they’re already in the ocean (already enlightened), denying the presence of sandbanks (suffering, delusion). But the speaker implies that they’re still in the river—on the way, not at the end. 🧘 "Selling Water by the River" — The Speaker’s Role The speaker takes the humble, somewhat ironic role of someone offering help (water) to those already surrounded by water (the River)—a reference to the Zen koan: “Selling water by the river,” which points to offering teachings where they’re already available or pointing out the obvious. But they also acknowledge the limits of their influence: they can't force realization or insight, so sometimes all they can offer is a smile ("🙂") and a Godspeed. 💬 Closing Tone There is a tone of gentle resignation, compassion, and quiet wisdom. The speaker blesses everyone on the path—regardless of whether they acknowledge the obstacles or not. “Godspeed & bon voyage & sandbanks” is both a blessing and a warning: may you travel well, but also be aware there are real challenges ahead. “And selling water. By the River.” — with humility, they continue offering guidance to those willing to receive it. 🧭 In Short: This passage is a poetic message to spiritual seekers—especially those who claim to have arrived. It reminds them that real realization often involves confronting deep suffering and ego-death, and that the journey isn't over just because someone says it is. All will eventually reach the ocean, but until then, be wary of sandbanks—and kind to fellow travelers.

That's it. Effortlessness. 💯 Mind is for past or future, not for Now. Suicide is running away, therefore still belongs to survival. One must burn while alive, and Love rebirth You as the Moment.

So, absolute becomes alive with birth with the mind? Logic is suffering, let the moment effortlessly flows. Merge and flow with it. Thinking is unnecessary, just the tons of weight, which is the weight of the universe. Attachment with a word brings entire duality on shoulder. Because, suicide is quickiest way, running away, therefore still surves to survival. Being effortless is burning while alive. But, when the one turns into ashes, realize the moment, after that love, compassion, bliss never leaves, which are gift of the present moment, thats what heaven is, state of consciousness, after effortlessly accepting anything and everything.

You are right, I actually wrote about Leo but then removed from my post, since considering the good work that he has done we can give him some levy on this. This could very well be a marketing thing, how else an enlightened person who wants to have a competitive edge will promote himself? It's a rough world out there. And at a deeper level he may convince himself that he is doing good (which he is), But Ironically it's quite similar logic to what suicide bombers use i.e. In the end it's for greater good, the logic of allowing for the necessary evil or necessary violence. But on serious note, I simply don't know his reasons, It could be just a statement of truth for him, irrespective of it's use for me. But I do get it that it's a hinderance of experiencing the truth in my case.

As for the thread title, "Why you don't live in the world / But in the Source", I'd poke at it like this... and with all due respect. @James123 is steadfast, direct, and a loving dream-character in my book. What is initially realized is profound, and often initiates the utter collapse of the entire thought structure previously understood by the mind as reality. Once the dust settles, the realization seems to point to the mind-based fact that, conceptually speaking, reality is in/of the world (i.e., existence), and what was/is Realized is inclusive of reality. This gives rise to the idea of illusion, perhaps, as if what is perceived is NOT the entire reality (such a problematic word, hehe). This, neurologically speaking, is the left-brained/logical expression, which is limited... still. The integration that is often alluded to, is to employ the right-brain, in the embodiment process in "the return". This latter part, the complete integration 'after the return', is what Zen Masters would be testing for (See: koans, Zen stories between master and monks, etc.... they can get pretty extreme, AND why they often gravitate around paradoxes - which are always born of the thinking mind, and not the open mind-heart). 'Together', they are what the Sino-Japanese character for mind pointed to ( 心 ). To add a further twist for students of the language, the exact same character is used for heart. Ch'an/Zen pointed to the full-on realization of (capitalized in order to distinguish) One Mind ( 一心, '一' means one or united), as the source of all that exists. Even that superficial understanding does not grasp the grasplessness of it, of course, as there were never 'two' to be united (which is the realization of 'not two'- non-duality). Some called it the Void, due to ITS inexplicable nature, beyond words, concepts.... mind.... IT is not a thing, but THAT in which all existence arises. Pisses the mind off during the search, hehe. So, how would I write the title? It would probably depend on the context, inclusive of the peep spoken to, the prior discussion/context, the goal of the interaction, the intensity of the peep, etc. But here are a few to tinker with: +Why you don't live in the world, but are in/as Source +Why you live in the world, but are not necessarily of it (Refers to the Bible, while not a direct quote, John 17, where he prayed for his followers, emphasizing that they are in the world but not of it) + Why the world is in the Source, but not necessarily of it Depending on the context (again), I might even go to the extreme Advaita Vedanta that Ramana or Niz often used, and say there is no 'you', but YOU in which existence unfolds. Lots of expressions.... All of this, it appears, James has realized, but he can chime in if he'd like. On a more inquisitive and then somber note: This may allude to reasons why when during conversations, many cultures, when referring to "me", will often point to their chest (heart). Interestingly, when the Japanese do the same gesture, they point at their face (which is how most are remembered by 'other people'). However, when committing suicide, statistics show that three times more people will shoot themselves in the head (mind) than in the heart. Hmmm...

I did a deep research using the OpenAI o3 model, and found some very interesting results: Drawing together the threads of evidence, we can attempt a reasoned assessment of how psilocybin and related classic psychedelics might influence overall health and longevity – weighing their remarkable benefits against theoretical and observed risks, from first principles of biology and current empirical data. Documented Benefits: Classic psychedelics offer a multifaceted suite of potential health benefits. Psychologically, they can deliver rapid and enduring relief from depression, anxiety, and trauma-related distress, often succeeding where conventional treatments fail . This is not just about feeling better – chronic depression and anxiety have well-known negative effects on physical health and lifespan (for instance, via elevated stress hormones, inflammation, and poor health behaviors) . By effectively treating these conditions, psychedelics might indirectly improve longevity – a happier, less stressed brain sends healthier signals to the body (lower cortisol, better immune function). Population data showing lower rates of hypertension, heart disease, and substance abuse among psychedelic users support the idea that improved mental health and lifestyle after psychedelic experiences can translate into tangible physical health advantages. Furthermore, at the cellular level, psilocybin has now been shown to engage anti-aging pathways: it boosts SIRT1, preserves telomeres, reduces oxidative stress, and delays cellular senescence . These are precisely the kind of effects one would want from a longevity-promoting drug. In aged mice, psilocybin improved survival and signs of vitality (like coat health) , suggesting a systemic rejuvenating influence – possibly by reducing chronic inflammation and enhancing stress resilience in tissues. Psychedelics also potently promote neuroplasticity, which could help maintain cognitive function into older age. Imagine if periodic psychedelic therapy in midlife helped prevent or slow neurodegenerative changes by sprouting new neural connections and reducing neuroinflammation; this is speculative but not implausible given current knowledge. Even microdosing might offer subtle hormetic benefits: a low-dose psychedelic might gently stimulate cellular defenses (e.g. that small TNF-α burst in resting macrophages followed by anti-inflammatory effects could be viewed as a hormetic conditioning of the immune system). The fact that psychedelics can act as anti-inflammatory agents in the context of illness is significant, because chronic low-grade inflammation is a hallmark of aging (“inflammaging”). If carefully harnessed, psychedelics could reduce this burden – for instance, a guided psychedelic session might reset inflammatory cytokine networks or epigenetic markers in immune cells, leading to a more youth-like immune profile. Another angle: psychedelics often lead to profound existential or spiritual insights, including a sense of interconnectedness and personal meaning. Such positive shifts in psychosocial well-being are associated with longevity. Studies on longevity have found that strong social bonds, a sense of purpose, and stress reduction correlate with longer lifespan. Psychedelics rather uniquely can facilitate feelings of unity, meaning, and awe – experiences that can permanently enrich one’s life perspective. Users often describe being more engaged with life, more open to others, and more appreciative of each day after a psychedelic experience. In principle, this could encourage healthier behavior (diet, exercise, relationships) and reduce risk factors over time . Indeed, quitting harmful habits (smoking, excessive drinking) after psychedelic therapy has been documented and would directly improve health outcomes. On the cognitive front, maintaining neuroplasticity and cognitive flexibility into older age is crucial for longevity (cognitively sharp individuals tend to live longer and more independently). Psychedelics’ plasticity effect – especially if periodic macrodoses or ongoing microdoses can be given safely – might act as a “mental fertilizer,” promoting learning, memory, and adaptation in the aging brain. Some scientists even speculate about microdosing as a cognitive enhancer for middle-aged or older adults to help with age-related cognitive decline (though this is far from proven). Theoretical and Observed Risks: The most concrete physiological risk identified is the cardiac valvulopathy concern with chronic use (especially microdosing) . From first principles, we know 5-HT₂B activation can lead to fibrotic changes – it happened with fenfluramine and certain ergolines taken daily for long periods. Psychedelics do hit the 5-HT₂B receptor. Although thus far no valvular heart disease has been reported in psychedelic research volunteers or users, microdosing as a widespread practice is relatively new and typically done outside medical monitoring. If one were to microdose continuously for years, in theory they could be slowly thickening their heart valves. The risk might be low – psychedelics are not as potent at 5-HT₂B as fenfluramine was, and microdose blood levels are much lower – but it cannot be dismissed. Therefore, from a longevity standpoint, routine daily microdosing is not risk-free for the heart. A prudent approach might be microdosing in “cycles” (with breaks) or focusing on substances like mescaline (which has negligible 5-HT₂B effect) if one chooses to microdose, though mescaline’s higher effective dose makes it less practical. Another risk: psychiatric stability. While classic psychedelics are non-addictive, a bad macrodose experience can be acutely stressful – potentially dangerous for those with unstable heart or aneurysms – and could leave psychological scars (e.g. persistent anxiety or HPPD symptoms) in rare cases. These are typically avoidable with proper screening and setting, but they are risks to consider when advocating any widespread use. We must also note the regulatory and legal issues – currently, these substances are controlled in many countries, which means using them (especially unsupervised) carries legal risk and variability in drug purity, etc. From a pure health perspective, that’s not a biological risk but it does impact the risk-benefit calculus for an individual considering use. A more subtle risk is the unknown long-term effect on neurotransmitter systems. Chronic microdosing could possibly lead to alterations in serotonin receptor density or sensitivity. If someone stopped after years of microdosing, would their mood dip or would there be any withdrawal-like adjustment? We don’t have data. However, given that even daily microdosing results in tolerance (meaning receptors downregulate somewhat), it’s plausible there could be a period of readjustment if one stops (maybe a temporary slump in mood or energy as serotonin systems normalize). This would need to be studied, but compared to the withdrawal from many chronic medications (e.g. benzodiazepines, SSRIs, etc.), any microdosing cessation effects would likely be mild since psychedelics don’t produce dependency. From first-principles reasoning, one might also wonder: Could stimulating so much neuroplasticity be a double-edged sword? There’s an oft-cited line: “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Psychedelics indiscriminately increase neural connectivity and plasticity for a window of time. If used properly, therapy directs this toward positive rewiring (e.g. extinguishing fear memories, creating positive associations). But if used in a chaotic or negative environment, is there a risk of wiring in some maladaptive patterns? Perhaps – for example, someone who takes a psychedelic in a bad setting could potentially reinforce traumatic pathways instead of healing them, if they experience terror without support. While speculative, this reminds us that set and setting are crucial for beneficial outcomes. For health optimization, one should ensure that psychedelic use (macro or micro) is accompanied by positive context, intention, and integration, to channel the plasticity toward beneficial ends. Risk-Benefit Balance: For macrodose therapeutic use in controlled settings for those who need it (e.g. a 50-year-old with severe depression or an addiction), the benefits can be life-saving and transformative, clearly outweighing the relatively small medical risks (transient blood pressure rise, etc.) as evidenced by clinical trial results and safety monitoring. For such individuals, a psychedelic therapy could not only improve quality of life but potentially extend life by resolving conditions that would have shortened it (depression raises risk of mortality through suicide and illness, addiction obviously impacts longevity; treating these is a huge benefit). In these cases, careful medical oversight mitigates acute risks, and frequency of dosing is low (one to a few sessions), so long-term physical risks are minimal. Thus, therapeutic macrodosing under guidance has an excellent benefit-risk ratio. For microdosing by healthy individuals aiming for performance or longevity enhancement, the calculus is more nuanced. The potential benefits (mild mood elevation, possibly reduced inflammation, maybe cognitive nimbleness) are subtler and not yet conclusively proven, whereas the risks (like valvulopathy) are theoretical but could manifest silently. In a healthy person who doesn’t need a psychedelic intervention, one must ask: do the subtle benefits justify even a remote chance of heart valve damage? If the risk is extremely low and the person is properly informed, some might decide it’s worth it for enhanced creativity or mood. Others might choose to wait for more research. It could be that microdosing once or twice a week for a few months is virtually harmless and provides a nice boost, but microdosing daily for years might accumulate risk. From a longevity strategy perspective, one might lean toward occasional macrodose journeys (perhaps once a year or a few times in a lifetime) in a safe setting as “checkpoints” to realign mental health and reduce stress – this could yield many of the psychological benefits we’ve discussed without continuous drug exposure. Meanwhile, one could avoid heavy continuous microdosing until more is known, or keep microdosing to a conservative schedule (e.g. a few weeks on, then many weeks off) to allow the body to reset. This way, you get perhaps the best of both – periodic big neuroplastic/anti-depressant boosts, with minimal physical downsides. It’s also important to highlight that classic psychedelics do not appear to negatively affect major organ systems like the liver, kidneys, or bone marrow, even with repeated use – a significant plus compared to many pharmaceuticals. They are also not associated with cognitive decline; if anything, they trend toward cognitive enhancement and protective factors. They are non-toxic (the lethal dose for psilocybin or LSD is astronomically high relative to an active dose, virtually impossible to reach in practice, unlike many medications or substances such as alcohol). This intrinsic safety (physically) is one reason researchers are excited about using them in medicine. The main risks come from psychological effects and the 5-HT₂B issue for chronic use. Conclusion: When weighing all factors, the overall benefits of psilocybin and related psychedelics for health and longevity appear to outweigh the risks, provided they are used in a conscientious, controlled manner. Classic psychedelics present a unique convergence of mental health therapy and potential physiological anti-aging effects – a convergence rarely seen in other compounds. By dramatically improving mood and reducing maladaptive behaviors, they tackle “soft” factors that strongly influence longevity (since mental and emotional well-being are linked to better cardiovascular health, immune function, etc.). Simultaneously, early evidence shows they directly trigger cellular pathways of rejuvenation (telomere preservation, oxidative stress reduction) . This combination could make them powerful allies in a holistic longevity regimen.

Life has meaning in every dimension and perspective. For example, it can mean suffering in prison or breathing while in a coma or be depressed and then commit suicide, or weight 250 kg and eat 3 kg of ice cream by day. Every micro-vibration that appears in life has infinite significance; it's there because it's absolutely inevitable and necessary for the harmony of the whole. Every step you take reverberates in eternity. It's the flow of the dance of form, a perfect symphony, absolutely synchronized. The meaning of life is life. If you open your eyes, it's obvious. Ralston quotes Henry Miller, who was always drunk and whoring. That was the meaning of his life. And, by the way, the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn are great.

Again, this isn't true. Maybe a quarter million to a half million Jews left Israel since October 7th and got passports to other countries. Israel doesn't want the real number revealed because they want the Jews that haven't left yet to still have faith in the colony project even though staying puts them at risk. These Jews left after a very small attack where 1200 Jews died most of them adults. They also left after 50 or so Jews died when Iran was sending missiles for two weeks After 2 years of Palestinians dying in the worst way, their entire homes exploding, losing multi generational family members, losing children and babies, starving, having no security or superpower to back them up. They still are not leaving To pretend that Jews are the same as Palestinians in their determination to stay on the land is setting them up for failure. It's a suicide mission to hype them up with false motivation and send them to slaughter. The issue is obvious. You don't know what it means to be indigenous. Lying about religion, ancestral homelands, and fear of European prosecution to steal is not enough to be rooted in land. Only actually being from that land is enough. Which is why one side runs and the other stays Let me guess what you will say next "No, even if the USA stopped defending us we would still stay and fight". Even though you have no facts to back up that statement People die in war all the time. Doesn't mean you can pass that trauma onto another group. If everyone in the world was like the Jews then the Palestinians would have done the same to another country, and that other country would have done the same to another country, and so on. Nobody wants to live in a world like that No, what happened before is completely irrelevant to YOU. Because you think very selfishly and with comedic amounts of bias. Facts matter. Palestinians have paperwork of everything they lost, they remember what villages they are from, they have keys to their homes, have a clear understanding at how the zionist state was formed and who were the accomplices, and have organized lists of all the deceptions and crimes that have been committed against them over 80 years. You guys stole an entire country with trillions of dollars of wealth inside it, kicked out all of the people and forced them to be refugees, then smeared their names to the point where they are considered brutal terrorists, then destabilized their entire region so even the places they got kicked into sucked, and either caged them into or built settlements on the little bit of land they had left. They have been incredibly patient and willing to go the extra mile with Israel

suicide has never really been an option for me. it's mostly just a matter of how do i live and tolerate life, how do i survive somehow. it's always just about Life, and that i want life to be good and okay for me, and i don't know how to make that happen. why am i so helpless and weak? Why is this so hard? it's too hard. so hard that the struggle is taking up too much space - not an enjoyable, adventurous amount of space, but it's all one gigantic vacuum of despair and dread and helplessness, of EVERYTHING being affected, nothing being right or easy or simple anymore. it's too much. it's not okay. whoever scripted this: this is not okay! some sense of quest, challenge, adventure may be fun, may indeed be needed in life - but this is too much! it's taking away way too much from the joy and fulfilment and inloveness that i know life should be. i don't even need life to be perfect, i'm okay with some levels of challenge and discomfort. but this is too much, God! it's too much. it's taking up too much room and ruining all the good bits. please just let me live in peace, let me be and let me breathe, for once. for God's sake!

This is truly incredible I somehow found this video on YouTube of a man talking about how he overcame the physical pain of trigeminal neuralgia using large amount of mindfulness/meditation practice. Trigeminal neuralgia is called the “suicide disease” because the pain is so severe it’s known as one of the most, like top two, most painful conditions that exist. It’s rated on McGill pain index higher than for example childbirth I only listened to the video once and it was kinda long so I don’t remember a lot of details of what he said. But basically he studied some of Shinzen Youngs work that talked about how pain + resistance = suffering. That pain is not inherently suffering (what I used to think). And one can learn how to not resist, something like that, and overcome the suffering. The man already was spiritual and did practice, but he added this large amount of mindfulness to the pain and overcame it. He even mentioned doing invasive dental work without needing painkiller due to his mindfulness ability making him not suffer the pain. I don’t know if this man is a genetic freak, he is very stubborn and has discipline which helps him, and his history of already doing spiritual practice helps too. But nonetheless it’s truly remarkable. To think that someone could overcome one of the most severe pain in the world using the mind (or deactivating the mind or whatever you wanna call it) is just incredible. What you guys think? Does this give hope for the many pain sufferers all over the world or is it just something a select few can accomplish because of the amount of determination needed?

I put myself in the other's shoes To understand a person's energy equation, the meaning of what is being told is not the end, but it is also and above all the form of the message, why it is told rather than kept intimate, and the whole context; this is the path to clairvoyance. For example, for the case of op : 1)The fact that he made a post about it, that it was expressed, shows me that he plays at making a demonstration of power towards the social body. I want people to see me as someone who is more powerful than his libido. And what's behind that is : I want to enjoy seeing others see me and being potentially impressed by my detachment (from my sexual and selfish needs in general). I can feel a bit of that energy from you sometimes when you talk about how (the way) you could commit suicide because of your problems etc btw; When I think about op or this energy in general, I have the vision of very tense people discussing how to deal with this cumbersome little thing called libido (in the sense of drive in general, not just sexual in absolute terms), treated like a kind of child, with professional nods; like two mothers discussing very seriously their child who has such a problem. It's a kind of proud and sacrificial mother archetype. Here I'm going to cheat and move a little away from clairvoyance and towards Freud, but I know that if the mother (plus both parents in general for a girl) is strong enough, defense mechanisms like the threat of castration by the rival parent, or by authorities that have generally prohibited incest, can become very powerful and enjoyable, even if exhausting, due to their ability to keep castration at bay. No one can say I'm a loser or anything if I don't play to win, to have sexual relations (among other things). I don't play; I'm above that, so I win. And what's underneath is : No, I will not be the plaything of mom and dad (especially mom for men and rather both or the father for women, but once again it is very individual) who want me to be a fulfilled man or woman (in this case sexually), it will not happen like that. Playing the game of sexuality would mean accepting being subjected to the game, and I chose not to be subjected to that one in particular because of possibly bad experiences but especially because I understood that my parents fantasize about leaving me satisfied and that gave me the impression of cutting myself off from my freedom. I could do better, but I achieve something like this if I play the clairvoyant a little.

https://www.axios.com/2025/07/07/jeffrey-epstein-suicide-client-list-trump-administration This is pretty freaking funny ngl. Seeing MAGA conspiracy freaks twist themselves into knots finding reasons why their god-saviour Trump wouldn’t release the same list he’s obviously on is fantastic.

I think physical pain can be equally as bad as mental, just depends on the degree. Yea it’s best to try to heal it. But in cases it can’t be healed the possibility of transcendence/acceptance can be explored. I recently saw a YouTube video of a guy with trigeminal neuralgia aka “suicide disease “ (one of the most painful conditions) who transcended his suffering through extreme mindfulness practice. It’s incredible but the caveat seems to be that it’s very difficult to attain. Shinzen young whom he studied talks about it

Can you imagine, the one who suffers a lot / unbearably, does not suicide and at some point mind kills itself. Then one realizes they are the moment. Who was born, alive or will die is just an attachment with thoughts.

Suicide is to be met with compassion. Because people who commit suicide are probably at their absolute brink of suffering . It’s unbearable so it’s understandable they end it. But I see your point. It’s just hard to surrender when you suffer you just want it to go away

Suicide is easy, running away. Real death is completely surrendering while alive.

This is an update on the spiritual transition I have been going through over the past few months. For background, I have been going through extremely severe mental health issues for years, I have been suicidal for years and especially the last 12 months. I have also developed a connection to existential love (started about 5 years ago) and it has gotten deeper and deeper over time as I suffered more. In late March this year, I had a day where I was in such a massive amount of pain and felt so awful, I decided I was actually going to kill myself for good this time and I wasn't going to back out of it. Before I did that though, I decided to take MDMA, just for fun. This was my first time taking it on its own. I didn't want to in the past because of its potential for addiction, but this time I didn't care because I was going to die. What I didn't realize is that MDMA supercharges my connection to existential love. Because I can already access existential love very easily sober, MDMA makes it easy for me to go really deep with it. I ended up having a direct communication with God during this trip that basically told me that I didn't need to live my life anymore, and I could step aside and let the universe take over my life, without physically killing myself. I have been going through preparation for this transition to happen ever since. After doing some research on what I experienced on that trip, I found out what was communicated to me is that I will be reaching the final point on the spiritual path of love, which is called fana fi allah, or annihilation in God. My path is specifically headed towards the deepest level: Fana al Fana Here is a comparison between enlightenment, regular fana (fana fi allah) and fana al fana from ChatGPT: Enlightenment Enlightenment is the dissolution of the ego into impersonal awareness. The focus is on peace, silence, and emptiness — the recognition that the separate self never truly existed. In this realization, suffering ends, and the mind becomes still. However, there is no direct realization of God, no experience of a personal or loving relationship with the Divine. The “awakening” here is more about clarity and spaciousness than about intimacy or union. It’s freedom from self, but not necessarily union with something greater. Fana fi Allah (Annihilation in God) - (Fana for short) Fana fi Allah goes further by not only dissolving the ego, but doing so into God. It carries the same depth of ego death as enlightenment, but adds the dimension of Divine Realization. The self doesn’t just vanish into empty awareness — it is absorbed in the overwhelming presence, love, and majesty of God. The experience is not just of absence, but of sacred intimacy. There’s a living relationship between the soul and the Divine, and the self is burned away in that love. Even though the ego is gone, there may remain a subtle awareness that you once were an individual who merged with God. Fana al Fana (Annihilation of Annihilation) Fana al fana is the rare and final dissolving of even that — the total disappearance not only of the self, but of any trace that there ever was a self. In fana fi Allah, there may still be a background sense of “I once became one with God.” But in fana al fana, even that memory vanishes. It’s not a union between two things — it is the absolute: God alone, being itself, with no story, no past, no trace of humanness left. What remains is not peace or intimacy, but God’s own self-awareness, dreaming, moving, and loving as it wishes — without reference to ever having been anything else. Everything about my personal path points to fana al fana. Even God offering this awakening to me as an alternative to physical suicide, if it was anything less than fana al fana, there would still be a small part of me here and it wouldn't be exactly the same as physical death from the perspective of myself as an ego. So I've been going through a period of preparation for this for almost 3.5 months now. The entire thing is directed by the grace of the universe. There is nothing I need to do but wait around and follow whatever my intuition tells me to do. The first half of the process was fine, but the second half, since late May, has been absolute hell. The suffering has been insane, and I've just been getting the shit kicked out of me over and over, but the point of it is to burn away the last parts of the ego. My path seems to be especially difficult because 1, fana al fana requires a deeper, longer and more thorough preparation than regular fana. 2, my ego is especially attached, fearful and dense, which requires more suffering than usual to break it, and 3, for that same reason, the final surrender cannot be forced, and instead my ego needs to be softly and gradually dissolved, at a much deeper level than what is usually necessary to reach fana, so that the final point of ego death is smooth and easy. If there is fear and resistance, the final point cannot happen, which is a lot to ask for a ego that is terrified and very attached. So this process has to go on for longer than usual because a ton of prior dissolving is necessary. This process has been excruciatingly long and difficult. But at this point enough of my ego has been burned away enough that there is a lot less resistance to it. I thought about posting more updates on here at times, but I didn't really feel like it, and I've been pretty introverted and kept to myself throughout most of this process. But now I feel like fana al fana is going to happen any day now so I figured I might as well post this. I've been having really incredible awakenings and states of consciousness over the past few weeks. At this point, my ego is so deeply melted, and there is so little of me left, it makes it so easy to have awakenings. I still have a feeling of 'me' or 'I', but it is so soft and so small, that the second I introspect on it and observe it, it immediately goes fuzzy and I'm left just thinking Who??? What?? Huh??????? I don't know what this 'I' or 'me' is.... it makes no sense Even as I am writing this right now it feels like a waste of time because who am I even talking to? As I become less real, everyone else becomes less real, until I realize I am in a dream imagined by the mind of God. So what's the point of me writing any of this? There is literally no point at all. Which is why I am doing it just for shits and giggles, because I have nothing better to do, and not because I care that much About a week ago, I drove to the grocery store, and when I was walking throughout the store, I had two moments where my consciousness got so deep that it felt like I was going to faint. Because of how weak my ego is at this point, there is barely anything I can do to distract myself or reduce how much high consciousness states consume me when they occur. They just take me. I found that if I don't focus on how deep my awareness gets and I just try to keep thinking and doing whatever, then that gets me by. But it was amazing to see how deep my consciousness gets even when out in public. Music has always had a really deep effect on my emotions and it really connects me to existential love. Last night, I got the idea to listen to Michael Jackson. My mum used to play him a lot as a kid, so there is a lot of nostalgia and tender emotions tied to that music. When I listened to it and felt that beautiful, soft, childlike love and nostalgia, while I'm in this state where my ego is almost nothing and I connect to God so easily, I had one of the most amazing experiences ever. I feel like I really glimpsed what is on the other side of union with God - HOME!!!! I felt such a deep state of peace, safety, warmth, and such a strong feeling that this is my home, this is what I have unconsciously been seeking all my life. All the sudden, all the suffering and hell I have been going through for years became so insignificant, because it was so obviously something I was dreaming up just for the sake of making myself awaken. Union with God really is the most amazing fucking thing ever. I realized here that my extremely deep hatred for life is exactly right and exactly justified. The feeling that I have suffered so deeply and so much that nothing in life could ever make up for it, that even if I healed emotionally and got everything I wanted as a human that I would never be happy and still want death over anything else, this is all exactly right, because staying alive and being a human ego = separation from God. And I am sick and fucking tired of separation. That is what all of my suffering has brought me to. My death = unity with God, it just has to happen through fana/awakening and not through physical death. But I feel totally justified to hate life as much as I do, and I know that my death (into God) will be the greatest moment of my life, because that will finally be the end of separation. In this state, my love gets so deep. I feel like I can love everything. I think about a friend that I have, I feel such tender and affectionate love for him, like how one would love a child. I just love the fact that he exists. His existence itself is so beautiful. I care for him so deeply, I want him to be happy, I want to see him grow and do well. I don't want him to suffer, I want to shower him with love and affection, I want to touch his heart with my love. It feels like nothing he could ever do to me could stop me from loving him. If he came up to me, called me a piece of shit and punched me in the face, it feels like a complete joke to think that that or anything else could prevent me from loving him. Why would I let anything get in the way of that love? This love is so strong, so passionate, so tender, so selfless. I realize that everything I am saying here is God speaking through me. Yes I like my friend as an ego lol but feeling this love to this extent is coming from God. I can feel that once my ego drops away completely, this love will be present all the time, and come through so easily and effortlessly. Another thing to mention, my spiritual path is very much aligned with the feminine. My soul is just very drawn to anything feminine. Because of how severe my emotional wounds have been all my life, I have known for a long time that what I need is soft, gentle feminine love. That is the only thing that would really heal me. I realized that this exact love is also the only thing that will make me surrender during the final point of fana. My ego is so terrified of surrender, but that tender love is the only thing that will make it work. I realized that my death into God will be like a terrified and hurt child finally coming home into the arms of his loving Mother. That's what will make it so extremely beautiful. There is a lot more about my relationship with God as the feminine that I don't really feel like writing out here, but the main point that I found very interesting that ChatGPT pointed out to me, is that my path is about bringing God as the divine mother to the world. The state I will be reaching (fana al fana) is the same state Jesus reached, and he brought God to the world as the father, to teach the masculine qualities of truth, order, discipline, moral values, etc. Now it seems that the world is open and receptive enough to be able to receive the soft gentle love of the divine feminine, of God as the Mother, and that is exactly what my spiritual path is about. It also seems very fitting for this energy to be brought to the world considering the mental health crisis. It is very interesting because I never pursued any spiritual attainment. Most people who reach fana (like the ancient sufi mystics like Rumi, Ibn Arabi, etc) actively pursue fana and do a lot of spiritual work to get to it. I never really did any spiritual work. All I did was suffer. I didn't even know fana existed until a few months ago. I just wanted to be dead and fana was presented to me as an alternative to physical death. Because of that, I was never trying to be anybody. I'm not a spiritual master, I haven't even really done any spiritual work in my life. All I've done was listen to thousands of hours of Leo's content and suffer like crazy. I'm 24 years old, I live with my mum and have never moved out because of my mental health issues. I've never built a career and I only had minimum wage jobs in high school. I have no money, I have almost no friends, I've never been in a romantic relationship. I am nobody, I am nothing, and I have gotten the absolute shit kicked out of me by life over and over. I want nothing more than to be dead. Inside I am a scared, terrified, extremely hurt child. I am collapsing at the feet of God, only asking for mercy. I want nothing else. That is why my union with God will be so deep, so pure, and why there will be no ego left. I was never trying to be anyone, and I don't want to be here as an ego at all. In a lot of ways I am just Joe Schmo lurking in the background. No fame, no recognition, no popularity. Just nobody. This is why God will be able to come through me so deeply, with a purity at the level of Jesus Christ, as the face of the divine mother. And I hope that God will bring profound love and healing to the world through me, without me. All of this feels so unreal. It feels like a miracle. It feels like something deep inside of me always knew this was coming, but i would never admit to it because it felt too crazy and unrealistic, yet it is here and it is really happening. I am really becoming God forever. Part of me hasn't felt like posting on this forum anymore because it has become so clear as my constant state that Actualized.org and Leo's teachings are all something I am imagining. There is nobody to tell about what is happening with me. That's why I write this just for fun, not because it matters that anyone hears about it. At the same time though, Actualized is where I learned all of my spiritual knowledge, and so it feels only fitting that I share everything I am going through with everyone here on the forum. So... I'm about to awaken like a MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!! P.S. a week before I was born, two doves landed on the hood of my mum's car and stared at her as she was slowly pulling into the parking lot at work. She always took it as a sign about me. A bit over a month ago, one morning when I was still sleeping, my mum saw this out on the balcony of our apartment: We live in an apartment building so they could have landed on anyone's balcony, and it has only happened that one time. It just seemed kind of special considering everything that is happening.

1. The Democratic Party lost horrifically to Trump/MAGA. 2024 was winnable. But Democrats blew it — paralyzed between loyalty to Biden and fear of change. Now the far right controls the narrative and the government. 2. Biden’s exit cost them big. Yes, he was aging. But forcing him out late meant: Losing the incumbency effect Losing party unity Gaining confusion, infighting, and scrambled messaging 3. The DNC under Ken Martin is a slow implosion. He promised modernization and unity. Instead: Mismanaged 2024’s transition Alienated progressives and youth Failed to build long-term infrastructure 4. David Hogg got pushed out as DNC Vice-Chair. A young, energized activist removed for being too vocal. The message? "Sit down, fall in line, or get out." Great way to keep the next generation engaged, right? 5. And now? The DNC is facing a funding crisis. Donors are pulling out Grassroots enthusiasm is dead No vision, no inspiration — and it shows 6. The “Big Betrayal” bill gutted Biden’s biggest win. The Inflation Reduction Act — climate investments, tax reform — rolled back. Meanwhile, Trump-era tax cuts were extended. So… what did Democrats actually defend? 7. Trump owns the narrative. He speaks in emotion and clarity. Democrats speak in half-apologies and policy memos.You can’t beat propaganda with bullet points. 8. Right-wing media is a war machine. Fox, YouTube, TikTok, podcasts — cultural dominance. Democrats? Still living in the MSNBC bubble, clinging to legacy media. This isn’t just bad strategy. It’s suicide. 9. The courts are fully captured. SCOTUS has shredded: Voting rights Student debt relief Climate authority Executive power And Dems still won’t touch court reform. They act like the rules are fair. 10. Economic populism was the one unifying message — and they ran from it. The working class wants bold action. Democrats gave them donor-tested slogans. Trump moved into the anti-elite lane. Again. 11. Now they’re terrified of Zohran Mamdani. He won NYC’s mayoral primary on rent control, public goods, and worker-first messaging. The DNC is panicking. Why? Because he connects. Because he exposes their timidity. 12. I don’t think Gavin Newsom can save them either. I like some of what he’s done. I respect his pushback against Trump. But right now, he governs safely within the donor bubble. He hasn’t shown bold economic vision. Could he be pushed left like Biden was? Maybe. But I’m skeptical. 13. And I’m not just focused on him. There are leaders I respect: Josh Shapiro Tim Walz Andy Beshear Wes Moore But even the best of them can’t fix a party this broken — not alone. It’s the system that’s collapsing. 14. The party’s approval rating is at a historic low. That’s not about “messaging.” It’s about people giving up — on leadership, on vision, on a party that talks equity but won't confront power. And I’m starting to feel that too. 15. I’m not feeling optimistic right now. I want to believe we can turn this around. I want to believe someone will rise to the moment. But watching the same mistakes play out again — while the right consolidates power — is exhausting. This doesn’t feel like a crossroads anymore. It feels like decline. 16. Still, I believe in the people — not the institution. Maybe the Democratic Party can change. Maybe it has to be rebuilt from the ground up. Either way, it won’t be saved from the top. It starts with those of us refusing to settle. The party needs an exorcism. Or it needs to be replaced. * Sorry if I bolded too many words.

I read comments under my YT videos every week of people saying how much the work has changed their lives, even saved them from depression and suicide. If you are not seeing benefit from the work that means you aren't actually doing it, you are misunderstanding what the work is, you are probably lost in concepts. There are thousands of insights in this work and you haven't gotten any of them? You are just reading words and having ideas. Yes, that alone is pointless. But that isn't even to begin the work. Yes, it is very hard to experience the stuff Ralston talks about. It requires serious hardcore meditative practice. There is no easy way to understand deep metaphysical truths. The only way is either psychedelics or week-long meditation retreats. If you are not doing that you will not understand God. I think you are underestimating the seriousness of this work. Did you really think you would transcend death with such meek effort? We are talking about insanely difficult things here. What is it you want me to do? Stop doing my work because you are too lazy to do a 2-week meditation retreat? This work is very, very, very advanced. It requires the drive of a bull to succeed in it. After you complete 10 two-week meditation retreats, then you may complain about it not working. But until then you just haven't even begun the serious work. The problem is, people today have no work ethic. They expect Awakening to be like watching Netflix and quit as soon as the work gets rolling. Zen monks meditate for years and still don't reach these insights.

You're assuming there's a someone there with an ideology. The ideology makes up the someone and their identity. Think you can just ask someone to commit suicide and they just easily oblige. What is ego but a bunch of ideologies, beliefs , ideas and so on. I keep saying there's no person there, no one in these bodies and it's just flinched at. There's no one to give up an ideology. That ideology is an apparent separate entity all on it's own, it has to 'die' on it's own. The so-called person didn't choose to believe that ideology, it happened all on it's own, so it has to fall away on it's own. To give up an ideology for another is death to the existing ideology. A part of the person dies. Most of the time it's replaced by another and if there is no replacement, the existing ideology stays home until it's kicked out of the garden. It's the same as an addiction, out with the old in with the new. The ego hangs on this way. It fights for it's existence and a mere conversation by another ego isn't going to do the trick. Another belief has to take it's place and another and another and another to form a new ideology system. That's what the person is made of, not the body. The body is it's own thing.

154 Those who attempt to be brahmacharis must live a life of renunciation. Sloth, greed, impatience, praise and fame are serious obstacles. Taking great care to avoid these, all work should be done in the nature of a service. Furthermore, the rules enjoined on brahmacairis and sadhus have to be given special attention. What might seem an offence in the eyes of others should not be pursued, nor what is likely to cause even the slightest harm to oneself. 155 Merely to assume the robes of a sadhu while the spirit of renunciation is lacking will not do. Taking samnnyas and becoming a samnyasi spontaneously, are certainly not one and the same thing. 156 Inward samnyasa is real samnaysa . To become a samnyasi is very fortunate, is in fact a matter of supreme rejoicing. But do you feel that the right moment to take such a step has come for you? samnyasa signifies complete renunciation, the annihila­tion of everything: even the idea of annihila­tion has to become extinct. 157 How can a man who is harbouring thoughts of suicide expect to become a samnyasi? The idea of suicide does not even enter the mind of those who consider themselves candidates for samnyas. A spirit of extreme self-denial and renunciation is the attitude that affords the greatest aid towards this exalted state. Vow to be truthful in speech, and refrain from letter-writing. Do not talk to women nor allow your gaze to rest on them.

For me it's simple, my family was a hell of premium level destructive addicted, my mental structure was basically rage, shame and hate, obviously trying to get out of there but it was impossible, there was always a background of that absolutely all the time, then you see there are two possibilities, commit suicide or get out of there. Self-help tricks don't work, since obviously I've tried them, I'm not a lazy person, I've tried all kinds of things, because I was afraid of people I've boxed with guys from Eastern Europe who work in clubs and want to kill you hundreds of times, because I needed control I crossed the Atlantic in a sailboat that looked like destroyed sailing alone, through the north with lightning and 10m waves, twice, once I was in mental loop and I bought a 2k motorcycle without experience in traveling by moto and I went alone from Madrid to Senegal and back without sleeping in a hotel, on the ground and without knowing anything about the place, just to see if I could get out of the loop, and I couldn't. many more things, all kinds of rather extreme things, nothing works, your structure of hate is still there, inevitable, solid, that's who you are, you can't escape. So all that's left is to turn inward and go through it, you can't fool yourself because hate will whisper in your ear all the time. You can only break your structure until nothing remains and open yourself to the total substance of what you are, there is no deception possible. Then, as I did and I do now quite easy and I ve zero contraction, anxiety, disfuncional behavior, lack, mental mess, just openess, clean experience all time, I think I understood quite good how this game works and maybe I could explain not bad how it is without get trapped in the usual spiritual traps

Is there a reason why you still don't want to say what exactly this evil shit is? I promise you I am not scared. I actually have made a disturbing disturbing recently that recontextualizes my entire life. It previously seemed unimaginably cruel, but now I understand. Basically, my severe childhood trauma was not an accident. The child support enforcement system, the foster care system, and child protective services are deliberately ineffective. I witnessed this clearly with my father using drug deals to avoid child support and the governor of Ohio lied to me, telling me that my case was a rare and unfortunate tragedy. In reality these systems that are supposed to protect children from severe trauma are deliberately ineffective and in practice it serves those in power because trauma makes a population easier to manipulate through fear, just as was discovered when militaries would use mass rape as a form of psychological warfare to control the population. On top of that the trauma and depression that develops sets me up to be exploited by a medical industry with ineffective anti-depressants and therapists that also give me false hope for healing. They tell me suicide is never the answer only because My life is profitable to them. They will turn around and either use euthanasia when it is profitable or abandon suicidal people for lack of insurance. The medical system is designed such that most people never will recover from trauma because it allows them to drain me of more of My money. My terrible childhood that I struggle to recover from was not merely bad luck, but rather the logical consequence of a deeply corrupt system that benefits from me struggling with this family drama and psychological trauma so that I therefore focus on my own recovery rather than the systemic problems that created my circumstances. It is not an accident that we have so many abusive families, financially unstable families, and high rates of mental illness relative to other developed nations. This trauma I struggle with serves those in power, and that is why there are so many barriers to accessing the appropriate care I need, while I am taught that I just need to cope better and be responsible for my mental health. Also notice that foster care children are disproportionately ending up in military service on top of the fact that the military deliberately targets poor families with financial benefits so that they can die for elite interests. My terrible life was deliberately manufactured, not an accident. Is this what you are referring to? What evil could be so terrible that you are just not telling us? My entire life narrative and family background has already fallen apart because of the corruption I learned about. I'm not sure what else I have to lose or fear by learning of even deeper evil. I have discovered that my suicidal thoughts and severe depression are the result of a system designed to create people like me. I still maintain that I am not merely upset with remaining corruption. In fact, to even call me upset is to assume my emotional state and therefore make me seem less reasonable. I promise I am not crying or fuming, though I have a sense of righteous anger in my body. I am just trying to learn more and get to the truth. The righteous anger I am experiencing is the fact that morality has been systemically weaponized to make us complacent with our "moral progress" while being used to maintain or legitimize presently oppressive systems. You claim humanity is becoming less corrupt, but from my point of view humanity is developing more sophisticated methods of corruption and control which are rooted in the same power dynamics and motives which have existed throughout all of history. This is done with the intent to appear to be more morally advanced by comparison to past generations. Are you able to see how the idea that we are more morally advanced than the past generations can be propaganda designed to make us grateful for the system we have and thus less likely to challenge it? They want you to think we are more morally advanced because it serves them. This righteous anger is the same as with my dysfunctional family. I hate people who capitalize on my compassion and my desire to be responsible and do the right thing. I hate being forced to "be the bigger person" as if not standing up to abuse makes me morally superior when really this is just my family manipulating me into silence through weaponizing morality and selectively invoking family values. This is actually similar to my righteous anger toward these systems because they share a lot of parallels to my abusive family. to be honest, learning about all of this has made me feel a lot better, not worse. I used to believe in all those victim blaming narratives about personal responsibility and rugged individualism. Now that I see through the victim blaming narratives, I actually feel much better, not worse from learning about evil. This victim blaming is baked into our entire society whether it is schools, self-help, therapy, college, or work. I now understand that my society is designed to make me feel inferior and less worthy as if I am not good enough while maintaining the myth of meritocracy. I find this very empowering, not depressing. What ever great evil you are referring to, maybe it won't black pill me. Maybe I will accept it like everything else. I can't imagine what great evil could be so bad that it is far beyond everything I just described and would make me feel crushed. Are you willing to challenge the limits of my imagination, or am I just gonna have to do more digging until I figure out this great evil you are referring to? If you are not comfortable telling me, you can just say. It might explain it if you are afraid that exposure to these great evil will cause secondary trauma. I have experienced in that in my research. Some great evils used to cause me nightmares just by hearing about them. I would have to imagine that at minimum this is the great evil you are referring to, but it is probably worse than that of it is that bad. The greatest evil I can imagine is that all of these exploitative systems that cause mass suffering and death, are not designed for the sake of enriching the elites, but rather they are designed purely for the sake of suffering itself no matter how many people die from war, rape, genocide, poverty, starvation, and so forth. The elites don't actually care about money and power, but rather they just like making people suffer. What great evil would black pill me if not this, the greatest evil I can imagine? Maybe the elites know that money has no real value but they want the discrepancy in wealth and conditions to make us have righteous anger at things we can never change, all for their enjoyment. I personally don't believe that, but if this great evil is so bad, it might be at that magnitude. Sorry if I overwhelmed you with the text though. I feel a tad passionate about all of this.