youngshinzen

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  1. So I’ve experienced a few key insights over the past few years that all seem to fit together like a puzzle. Question is: is there a way to heal? My mom was pregnant with me while taking refugee from war. She experienced deep fear of death and at some point also felt it in her belly. In that moment she even felt a deeper belly ache which came from me as an embryo. This was from 7-9 months pregnancy. I first heard about this when I was 22. At 26 I participated in a body therapy workshop and it resulted in such a deep connection to my body, that I could clearly feel that there was absolutely no emotional connection towards women. Like standing in front of a cliff and there’s just a void. My emotional connection was generated by the mind/ratio. At least that’s what it felt like and I was never so deeply connected to my heart and emotions. At 30 I was at a meditation retreat, again connected to myself more deeply over the course of a week and in the end asked myself: why am I so afraid of being close to women? A picture arose: the pearly gates. I immediately knew what it meant. It means ego death. When being close to a woman I dissolve into a egoless state. My explanation was that I do not have a "male" identity that could be in a relation with a woman. If I would somehow get over the extreme panic that comes up in a relation, depending on how close it gets, I would just jump into an ego death, where there is no relation, since there is no self. But after realising this, I also had the wish to build this male identity and experience a loving relationship with a woman before (ego) death. Two weeks ago I was at my therapist and I realised that I, as the embryo in my mothers belly, had absolutely no chance to set boundaries against these intense emotions of fear. I was simply flooded with them and couldn’t escape. And boundaries are needed to build an identity. The chance to build an identity was not given and so this deep trauma and the boundless state gets triggered with women, since every woman I encounter is a reflection of the relationship to my mother. Now that I’ve had these insights, I can grasp much better what’s going on and feel empathy towards the embryo. But the question remains: How can I heal this? Is it even possible?
  2. Hey, when I am around people, I feel a tingling sensation and energy in my body. After a few seconds my pelvis tenses up and after a few minutes the whole body up to my neck and throat are tense. When I try to relax the tensed up body, the energy rises up to my throat and wants to manifest as a scream. Issue is: I can't scream around people. I have done meditation and therapy for years and any technique in my repertoire doesn’t help to calm the energy. The only thing that really helps is to scream. Of course I have thought about any option of screaming in another room or into something that absorbs the noise. Not practicable for my current situation. I’d like to solve it at the root. Could be a chakra related issue, since I feel that the energy is coming from the pelvis. I am also reading about the brain and inflammation to reduce anxiety. Already taking L-Tryptophan and Gaba. What do you think could help?
  3. I just came back from a meditation retreat and the peak experience was the realisation that a wall full of fear is preventing me to feel a deeper connection and love towards women. As I asked the wall what it’s there for, "it" answered: "to save you from heaven". Heaven meaning the loss of ego and living as one with everything in absolute peace, which at first glance sounds nice, but showed me that behind the wall there is no identity which I can live as to have a functioning dualistic relationship with a woman. During the retreat someone told me that the different ego stages of a child during pregnancy can be underdeveloped if there were stressors in that certain stage. For me it definitely feels like I missing this deepest and last stage of ego identity to feel this love (abscence of fear) towards a woman, while still having an ego. Do you have ideas on how to build that missing structure so that before I go through this wall of fear and lose my ego I can experience a deep relationship as a self? Thanks to everyone contributing input.♥️
  4. I just came back from a meditation retreat and the peak experience was the realisation that a wall full of fear is preventing me to feel a deeper connection and love towards women. As I asked the wall what it’s there for, "it" answered: "to save you from heaven". Heaven meaning the loss of ego and living as one with everything in absolute peace, which at first glance sounds nice, but showed me that behind the wall there is no identity which I can live as to have a functioning dualistic relationship with a woman. During the retreat someone told me that the different ego stages of a child during pregnancy can be underdeveloped if there were stressors in that certain stage. For me it definitely feels like I missing this deepest and last stage of ego identity to feel this love (abscence of fear) towards a woman, while still having an ego. Do you have ideas on how to build that missing structure so that before I go through this wall of fear and lose my ego I can experience a deep relationship as a self? Thanks to everyone contributing input.♥️
  5. I want to build a small and simple app which helps to stay awake during meditation. I have zero experience but would like to work together with someone more experienced so I can learn and realize this project. Is anybody interested?
  6. As of yesterday I saw how sensitively I react to stevia and found out that the effect of it being 200x sweeter than regular sugar Leads the taste receptors to active a glutamine response in the brain which then leads to a high energy/euphoric state. It lessens my symptoms of social anxiety, sadness and overall physical and psychological heaviness immensely. But, for now it’s a high which has its low. Could there be an underlying issue of some amino acids or transmitters being out of balance, which leads to this sensitivity and symptoms of general anxiety and slight depression? Ive tested my amino acid levels and everything seems to be in place except for serine: It should be at a level of 90-210, my score is 326.
  7. Ive noticed that stevia (in liquid form as steviaglycoside, no other sweeteners added) and as a sweetener (with xylit) in protein shakes gives me instant high energy and after two days of regular consumption it lead to sleeplessness and increased pulse. After not using it for a few days it normalised and I just sweetened some yoghurt with the liquid stevia. I can feel the effect instantly. Couldn’t find any info on the net about that side effect. Any experiences?
  8. Hey, I have one memory of "mild" sexual abuse in my childhood, but I feel like much more happened. What are ways to dive deeper into this and remember more? I've looked up some symptoms and the following resonate: insecurity about sexual orientation, deep feeling of guilt, suppressed anger, dissociation, passivity/lethargy, feeling dirty/worthless. Once during a workshop I connected deeply to my body and emotions and realised I felt absolutely no emotional connection towards women. Now I think that I might have split off my own feminine side as protection. What do you think?
  9. This will be a journey of reconnecting to my body. How do I know that I need to reconnect? Three years ago I participated in a body oriented therapy called bioenergetics. I did it in a group setting for half a year and then went on a workshop with the group for a weekend. A lot of body contact, expressive exercises and open communication connected me more and more to my emotions. After the last exercise on the last day I screamed out the "main fear" on my chest, which made the heart open up and I reconnected with my body so deeply that I could clearly feel what I wanted and what not. I realised for the first time how dissociated I was. I had reconnected to my emotional body and from what I felt, it was stuck at 5 years of age. Many of the anxieties and the inability to set boundaries were temporarily healed and I felt deeply rooted and safe within my body. After a few days though, the inner muscular tension returned and I went back to my previous state of dissociation and dullness. The chronic muscular tensions which suppress emotions from being felt are called "muscle armour" in bioenergetics. Nowadays I am able to relax them partially through body awareness, but I want to support the process through exercises an achieve the result of the workshop to evolve emotionally from that point on. For the start of this journey I will do bioenergetic exercises from the book "The way to vibrant health" by the founder of bioenergetics Alexander Lowen. I will document the exercises here and describe how they helped. According to his book "Betrayal of the body", I‘d categorise myself in the "schizoid character structure" and I’ll highlight the exercises which help the most in this case. A huge part of this journey is also meditation and body relaxation laying down. I do both in total for 1 hour daily. Depending on what I need I vary the time of sitting meditation and laying down, releasing tension and emotions. I did many routines in the past, but instead of doing this new project daily, I want to leave it open and free. I’m only setting the limit that I can do one new exercise per day. Since these chronic tensions stem from resistance and neurotic behaviour I want to decrease my control as much as possible. This will also help diminish these "neurotic holding patterns". Follow me on this journey back to the body and enjoy!
  10. Then why is there Hinayana (motivation to liberate only one self) and Mahayana (motivation to liberate all beings) in Buddhism? @Leo Gura
  11. @Elisabeth @captainamerica Thanks!
  12. Day28: vegetarian burgers Challenge complete!
  13. Day27: red lentils with lemon, feta cheese and tomatoes
  14. Day26: black tiger shrimps, potatoe sticks with mozarella and spinach, salad with feta cheese and lemon
  15. Day25: Same as yesterday