Danielle

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About Danielle

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  1. For the longest time now I've been thinking about starting a journal to document my SDS journey. Now I feel like I've gotten to the point where it's necessary to shed some light on all repetative circles one goes through during this whole purification thing. Some basic info about me: 19 years old Student of English and sociology Been meditating for 1,5 year - SDS combined with self inquiry- minimum 40 min a day Along side meditation, also have a concentration and contemplation habit Never used a psychedelic Realizations I've had so far: I don't exist I'm not a human being Space doesn't exist External reality doesn't exist All suffering is a product of resistence Suffering is made up and illusory I am already dead Things I've noticed repeating througout my practice: Insomnia Bursts of anger existential crisis Crying non stop for days Sensitivity to everything Moments of deep gratitude Moments of awe and love Doubt in this whole thing Questioning everything I know, feeling confused and lost Moments of forgiveness Feeling blank and numb Feeling suicidal/ homicidal Massive mood swings Laughing at random moments Moments of bliss and peace Revisting past trauma Laying on the floor screaming Feeling exhausted for no apparent reason Feeling energetic- dancing around or jumping all over the place Feeling lonely Feeling misunderstood Feeling disconnected from everything Losing interest in things I used to love Feeling stuck Feeling hopeless Feeling nostalgic Feeling 'high on life' Feeling overwhelming compassion for people Losing desire to find out the truth Being nihilistic Feeling motivated Feeling doubtful/ skeptical Feeling blessed Feeling cursed Feeling insane I will write insights whenever they come to me. Hopefully they will benefit all of you who are going through this pathless path
  2. Your technique looks pretty good and it could produce great results, but I think that telling yourself to let go of everything etc does the opposite of what you're aiming for. I think it would be useful for you to completely surrender during your meditation, which actually means even not saying that you should let go. Just stop controlling anything in any way. Also, this is like the 100x time I repeat this, but seriously strong determination sitting with self inquiry will be a game changer! There's a reason why it's so hard, it actually works
  3. @Nahm yes, it's really weird. So far I just found articles online talking about higher vibrations/ ringing in your ears etc. Oh well, might as well continue with my practice. It's just a distraction in the big picture.
  4. @Shin you always crack me up! It was an external voice, I wouldn't have freaked out if it was me. @YaNanNallari wait until you have the experience, it doesn't feel ordinary. It's like a slap in the face
  5. @snowleopard i don't have a history of schizophrenia, or anyone in my family for that matter. It might just be a mind trick to stop me from going down this road because I noticed fear during my meditation just now that wasn't there before.
  6. Today I went shopping, was looking through stuff and everything when suddenly this strange 'inner' voice said my name. It wasn't my voice, it was someone else's, but it was friendly. I don't have to say it scared the living shit out of me. It's been an hour since it happened and I can't stop thinking about it. What could this be? This is the only place I could share this without sounding like a lunatic (hopefully)
  7. I can relate. Sounds like you need some real healing. I know the feeling when even the most brilliant concept and 100x positive habits can't help you. You need to give yourself some space and some love. It's not true that meditation takes years for it to work, you can heal really fast if you're just commited to it. You don't need to lose your humanity, you need to embrace it fully. Forgive yourself for everything, be totally honest and open about it and learn to love it. Take care and good luck
  8. @Adam M Reading can help short term, but it won't suffice. When you're in midst of an ego backlash and when suicidal thoughts arise, anything that anyone writes or says will be irrelevant to you. Without an authentic desire to know who you are, not even the most complex amazing teaching won't be enough to keep you going. And like @Shin said, try not doing it for some time, it will be really painful once you've pierced through the veil
  9. Cultivate a real desire for truth. Why are you meditating? You get distracted easily because, in your mind, meditation doesn't serve a crucial role. Contemplate the effects that meditation could have on you if you just stick to it.
  10. Few months ago I was very strict about having 'high consciousness friends' so I could preach to them about non duality, how everyone's asleep, you know - the usual. Recently I noticed that it was a trap I fell into- labeling people as this and that and not having time for 'chimps'. If you truly enjoy the company of your friend, don't label him as this and that , it's an oversimplification. You wrote you talk about deep things so I suggest you talk to him about your vision, your path, why you're doing what you're doing - get his imagination going! The chances are, he'll listen and get curious about why you're chosing to act in this particular way. Also, there are ton of benefits by being friends with 'low cons.ppl' - you can reflect their behavior onto yourself, see all your defense mechanisms pop up etc. Pro tip: nothing will train your awareness as much as being friends with low consciousness people
  11. You just answered your own question Do whatever works for you.This path is different for everyone, there is no formula to determine what will grow you the most. Observe day to day changes that occur when you practice certain type of meditation. Are you more aware? Are you less reactive? More prone to do positive things? Etc Good luck
  12. I can relate to your story. The first year I had some childish expectations that by the end of it I'll be totally blissed out and purified. It's a difficult road and right now is the perfect moment to ask yourself how bad do you want it? Are you willing to go through all that pain? I hate to inform you, but things just got serious Suicidal thoughts, existential crises, overwhelming pain and suffering have to be there. You have them pass, not supress them. They will come and go, stay on track! Also, expect all your ideas and beliefs to be totally crashed down until there's nothing left. This process shouldn't be taken lightly, you're facing your death here.
  13. 1)advice for students Have a life purpose- what's your art form? Don't be afraid to break off on your own What lifestyle do you want? Build a strong work ethic - it's going to be harder to put habits into place when you're older Study for the sake of studying. Read books! Learn how to date and socialize ( don't have serious relationships) Avoid partying, alcohol, drugs, social groups, cults, gossip, trying to fit in, worrying about social status Focus on yourself. Stop playing video games and tv by 80% Clean up your diet: soda, pizza, potato chips, candy, junk food, wheat and fruit juices Be careful about debt- learn how to manage money Diploma doesn't mean anything. They care about results, how you carry yourself, if you're a good learner You should be learning about pyschology, self help, meditation and enlightenment,fitness and nutrition, dating, sexuality and relationships, business and marketing, biographies and money management Meditate! Don't fight with your parents-take control, live like you live on your own Build your foundation, take responsability. Plan on being a lifelong learner 2) avoiding bad relationships Red flags: borrowing money, history of cheating/being arrested, if they run a shady business, history of short relationships, if they don't have friends, if they expect gifts, showing up late/ standing you up, forgetting a lot, jealous, protective, control freak, unwilling to work on your relationship, not willing to improve, lying, arrogance, selfish, perfectionism, angry, agressive, threats, gets easily offended, blaming, long distance Cut this person out of your life, don't think twice 3)curing perfectionism Chronicly not willing to accept reality According to overbundance of choice: maximizer or satisfier You are constantly disappointed if you are a perfectionist, you will never be happy It's a sneaky form of procrastination Perfectionist is attached to outcome Criticising others and oneself is the same thing You set too high of a standard, guilt will come up You are causing damage to yourself Just accept it, your work doesn't have to be perfect Notice how critical you are- retrain your mental filter. Don't nickpick everything Get a rubber band and wear it for a month, don't take it off. Keep it as a reminder to not judge. Tell yourself: when i criticize I rob myself of my future. It doesn't advance your life in any capacity, ask yourself is it worth it? 4) mindfulness meditation Experiencing reality as it is Its a skill of focus Sensory clearity- how much filter there is in reality Equaminity- ability to experience sensations and not react Seeing: look at an object, note that you're seeing it. Say to yourself : see and then savour it for 5-7 seconds Hearing: note that you're hearing a sound, say to yourself : hear and then savour it for 5-7 seconds Feeling: notice the sensation and say to yourself: feel, savour it for 5-7 seconds Those are outer sensations (objects, body) Inner sensations - your mind's eye, hearing your internal dialogue, emotions Set a timer for 20 minutes Let mind focus on whatever it wants, notice it, note it and savour it Do do this daily Benefits : better focus and awareness, emotional mastery, reduce suffering, increase fulfillment, behaviour change, you can experience enlightenment 5) how to overcome creative blocks and writer's block 1)brute force it 2) find the source of motivation- the ideal Do the important thing that isnt urgent Recommit to your art Get into the present moment, think about things that make you depressed and unmotivated, feel it fully Shake your body, get rid off that feeling Take another deep breath and imagine yourself in the most creative mood you've ever been Imagine yourself as your role model Slow down the pace of your work Explore fresh sources Focus on mastering your field Keep a file of inspirations- images, music, texts Find your life purpose 6) vision for a self actualized life Waking up excited, falling asleep feeling calm Being an inspiration Turning your work into your passion Mastering all areas of life Eliminating toxic self talk Mastering emotions Life long learning It will work if you just commit to it Goals Creating a life where you dont have to worry about money ever again Work being your greatest joy Developing emotional control Becoming a grounded being Having a deep understanding of the world Sucessfull intimate relationship Amazing sex Having amazing confidence Deep self love and acceptance Feeling energetic, endurance Positive friends Advancing humanity Intense pride, without regrets on your death bed Realizing truth about reality and yourself Having time to contemplate Get knowledge/learning Start making small changes- eliminate toxic addictions, create good habits, create a good morning routine, life purpose, become financially independet Life is short Hold this vision close 7) radical openmindedness You have to make the counter intuitive move to let go of knowing and get into a state of not knowing to be openminded Not knowing is an extremely powerful state. People think they know, but they don't By opening yourself, you get better at enlightenment work, it frees you up, you understand reality more Acknowledge to yourself that 99% of what you think is second hand knowledge- you take it on faith Examples: 1) earth is round 2) viruses cause illness 3) big bang theory 4) matter is composed of subatomic particles 5) evolution 6) earth is 6 billion years old 7) existence of jesus and buddha 8) you don't know if you are your parents' child 9) relations with your siblings You have assumpations that you know aren't true Examples: 1) atoms aren't balls 2) you believe sun is rotating around earth, you think you are motionless 3) stars exist as physical objects 4) you think objects fall down You have a model of reality which is a complete fiction. Recall how many times people have been wrong throughout history Examples: 1) earth is flat 2) earth is at the center of the universe 3) witch trails 4) time is absolute 5)geometry 6) blacks are less intelligent 7) flight is impossible 8) wireless communication is impossible etc Open your mind to the possibility that there are other things you think are true, but are false. The culture you grew up in has imprinted you with values and beliefs of which you are totally blind to What model of reality would you have if you were: born in the middle east? Born in an african tribe? Born in north korea? Born 10 thousand years ago? Culture, society and time shape you in radical ways. You have no control over this factor! Recall all the times you were wrong, all the times you thought you knew, but later found out you didn't Admit you could be wrong about everything. Mind has the tedency to decieve and lie to itself Acknowledge that when you don't know, you don't know you don't know Acknowledge that you haven't been able to locate yourself and you don't know who you are. Notice when you try to push your ideas and beliefs onto others Just be open and hold no belief, having no position is liberating! 8) 30 ways society fucks you in the ass Bad news: Society exploits your lower self ( you're a chimp) Traits of your lower self 1) salt, fat and sugar 2) Sex 3) need for power and status 4)fun and entertainment 5) validation 6)security and comfort 7) love 8)vanity 9)gossip They function unconsciously 30 ways : 1)Food 2) alcohol and drugs 3) farmacutical industry 4) college and education system 5) celebrities 6) books- romance novels, sci fi, fantasy novels 7) video games 8) tv shows 9) news 10) social media 11) internet 12) popular culture 13) chimp behaviour with friends 14) status game 15) porn 16) shopping 17) fashion 18) tech bubble 19) financial companies 20) night clubs 21) caring too much about what kind of car you drive 22) holidays 23)politics 24) religion 25) marriage 26) romance 27) family 28) typical 9-5 job 29) stock market, wall street 30) proffesional sports All of this is an espace Society is amusement park for the ego to distract you from looking inward It's a distraction from truth, death, shortness of your own life and lies you tell yourself because you're not living a real life Society aims are : status quo, progress, achievment, power and efficancy Those aren't your aims Your aims should be finding your authentic self Society is about doing, not being. It doesn't care about truth Good news: it's fully in your power to avoid these traps. All it takes is some awareness and care . You will be called weird if you live a conscious life. You have to be okay with not being normal. That will take emotional labour, indepedent thinking and courage. This lifestyle is the harder option and it means you can't follow the path of least resistence. Recognize how unhealthy society is for your mind and body. This is not an evil conspiracy - it's just ignorance You can use all these traps to find your authetnic self - sort of against them Commit to living your true life- life that is worth living Take one week of where you'll be alone, no friends, no media, no phone, no work, no fun etc. Sit there for a whole week and contemplate life- how short it is, how valuable it is etc. Meditate, detox Notice how you feel, what you want to change. Take it slow.
  14. 1) how to meditate deeper How to meditate deeper Stage 1- simple observation Sit down, open/ close your eyes. Let the mind wander, simply observe Stage 2- active detachment Sit down. Actively release every thought that enters your mind ( let go) Stage 3- awareness focus Sit down. Put your awareness on awareness itself. Ask yourself what is awareness You can't control your thoughts. Meditation will not be calm and peaceful. Stop resisting thoughts. Stop trying to get anywhere, be ready for bad days 2) science vs religion Science vs religion 90% of prerational beliefs are postrational truths that are misunderstood. Enlightenment seems like religion to rational people Vodoo, shamanism - level 1 Christinity, islam - level 2 Zen masters and yogis - level 3 Body( matter, energy,people, cars)- mind problem ( first person phonemena) science doesn't ever talk about this, it ignores it completely. This body mind problem creates dualism. Rationality has limits, it's a perspective, not the truth Rationality keeps the illusion of the self alive All beliefs are false- they are just models with limits 3) how to unleash your ambition How to unleash your ambition If you have a bigger vision and great ambition you have to be a leader - honor that Stop with the false modesty! You can do better You have to fight for your passion - it's a choice you make Position yourself to share your gifts. Think how you're going to do that Ask yourself: what will be the pay off? What could I accomplish if I went all out? You have to rely on yourself. You have to be self driven, self motivated Find the thing that will make it all worth it You owe it to yourself 4)how to get shit done World is based upon results Dreams don't mean shit if you don't have real life results Early humans had to create results or they would die, in modern society we get taken care of and we got lazy Dreams are bubbles and usually burst when they get in touch with the real world. You have to change for reality, reality doesn't change for you Be humble to let reality work on you Talk less, do more - don't talk about doing, actually do shit Have goals and projects Look at life as a series of projects 5) lower vs higher self You have a switch in your being When you feel threatend you go into your lower self. If you're making plans and decisions from a position of your lower self, it will turn out awful Watch out for subtle triggers that send you to your lower self? What are your triggers? Write down the situation. Remove them and write a list how to do so Notice your emotional body - observe it until it goes away Build your mindfulness, you need to notice when you cross the line. Disengage with people when you're in your lower self Change the structure of your life so you don't get triggered 6) Mascuilinity vs femininity Each sex doesn't understand the other one. Men are created for modeling, they are highly logical. Women are created for communication and relationships Men's mind is female mind if it were autistic It's too logical Women need to accept men's detachment and sex drive Men need to accept women's emotions Look at things from their perspective Boys would rather break emotions to save logic and girls would rather break logic to save emotions We have different values Women are attracted to personality, men are attracted to females visually. Men want sexual variety, respect and easy going companionship. Women want emotional security, leadership and deep intimate connection Accept differences, celebrate them Women want emotional support, men want to fix problems and be left alone Finish this sentence : what i need to accept and integrate which I've ignored until now is..... 7)Meditation on steroids Sds fast track towards enlightenment This shows your mind's rotten Deep happiness isn't stimulation, it's complete presence Being one with the reality, being peaceful no matter what happens Monks are training to eliminate resistence The objective of meditation is to become one with reality What are you doing to get happiness? Has it been working? This practice will sober you up- about your happiness. It makes your mind stop and be present Stop resistig reality! You are constantly living in a fantasy land because you resist the now. When you stop resisting, you gain true happiness Purification= pain * mindfulness Mind is forced to sit still and psyche has to purge material, shit that has been in the back of your mind Suffering= pain* resistance Your pain will be gone as soon as you stop resisting it. It shows how out of touch with reality you are. You have to become okay with pain and suffering, this practice helps. We set the bar very low in our society. 8)the grand model of psychological evolution Psyche develops in a certain direction, in stages Each stage varies from selfishness and altruism Each stage has transformational dilemma. Each stage doesn't know stages exist and they actually despise one another. You can't stop stages Stages: 1) stage beige (me) basic survival 2) stage purple ( other) ethnic tribes, magic 3) stage red (me) egocentric power, disregard for rules 4) stage blue ( other) civilization, democracy, religion 5) stage orange (me) individuality, success, science, freedom, rationality 6) stage green ( other) altruism, peace, love, connection 7) stage yellow (me) systems thinking, complex, paradoxical, world is grey, understanding multiple perspectives 8) stage turquoise ( global) holistic global actualization You can be a mix of few stages Ask yourself: where am I? At which stage? 9) one simple rule for acing life Always do what is emotionally most difficult in whatever situation you are. Do the exact opposite of what most people and you do Easy thing leads to mediocre and frustrating life Living a good life is counter intuitive, you have to go against what the herd/ society is doing Your mind is unconsciously programmed to find emotional security and comfort Self actualized life is the emotional hard way Don't look for short cuts You will have peace of mind, dying happy, being happy applying this principle Do the emotional labor required, it's not as bad as you think It feels refreshing to your soul 10)How to be funny Benefits: social confidence, better business connections, attracting women Leadership skills,.more charisma Big picture: you have to change the lense through which you see the world Humour is supposed to be effortless You have to be relaxed as opposed to anxious to let the spontaneous humor come through To be humorous you have to be relaxed and emotionally impulsive Let go of the filters that prevent you from being goofy, blunt and authentic, instead look for the funny and the absurd What makes people laugh: ridiciolous humor, role playing, self deprecting humor, play on words - go against the green, break every expectation the other person has of what you should say Train your mind to constantly ask itself: what can I say in this situation to make it funny? Look for the funny Exercises: sit in a quiet place and think of something. Then use the last word to form a new sentence and so on. This will release mental filters over time. Picture yourself being funny in every situation Talk with somebody and try to turn everything they say funny Not to do: do not use canned lines, they are context sensitive. Do not seek validation, instead do it for your own amusement. It has to be funny to you so others laughing is just an addition
  15. 1) career path Career path 1. It will change 2. Don't get a job that drains you 3. Will i look back and be happy about my career, what I find meaningful? 4. Is this what you were designed to do? 5. What am I willing to do? 6. Where can I grow, express myself? 7. What value can I provide for others? 8. What makes me happy? 9. What could I accomplish if I went all out? 10. What impact do I want to leave? What am I good at? What kind of impact I want to leave? What would I do if I had 100 million dollars? 2) what should I do with my life? What I should do with my life What is valuable to you? What are you willing to bleed for? Come up with a mission - what would it take to get you off your ass? What would make you excited? You have to have faith in it, you have huge potential. Don't limit yourself! Disconnect from everything - ask yourself what are willing to do with all your heart? Write a lot - what do you want, what do you want to have, what kind of friends, how you'll look etc Think big! 3) fears Fears Ask yourself; what is the worst thing that can happen? What is so bad about that? Find the root cause. Write out the worst case scenario? Why is that so bad? What will I do if that happens? JUST DO IT fears are illusory, exgaretting It may happen, but is is unlikely What is my biggest demon? Am I avoiding it? You have to face it, it will come back for sure. Deal with it now, the pain will be much bigger in 10, 20 years. This is a hero's journey Find the problem- ask yourself - what is causing this? Look at the process- emotions and thoughts that are causing this behaviour. What is the root cause? 4) responsability vs blame Responsability vs blame 1. You have to recognize you're a cause of a lot of thing you're not willing to admit. You are not admiting that you are responsible for subtle things. You are creating every situation. Life is a chain of causes! 2. Don't blame anyone or anything This is a promise you make to yourself If you are tired of victim mindset do this! Focus on right action - you can change a lot 3. You have to at least some control You have control over how you respond to whatever comes. You can control your interpertations of reality. 4 your response is what matters the most You can choose your response. Think about those situations in an empowering way. This will create power, you will grow yourself more 5) paradoxes Paradoxes You are perfect, but you must work on yourself. You have problems, but your problems are illusory. Relationships can give you lots of happiness, but they will never make you truly happy. Be wise, but failure is good. Think about your life, but thinking is a form of neurosis. Work hard on your attractivness, but don't work so hard. To be in a relationship, don't need a relationship. Be present, but focus on your future goals. Be careful about self deception, but trust yourself. Never quit, but cut your losses early. To be happy, don't think about happiness. To be selfless, you have to be selfish. If you want to be authentic, you have to eliminate yourself. Problem with paradoxes is that they shake your world view and threaten your security - it's the problem of the ego. Ask yourself: are there any contradictions in reality? There are concepts and models that are limiting, don't take them seriously. Embrace paradox! It makes you more openminded. Don't cling onto your beliefs 6) what is karma Every action has a consequence, inside a consequence. Karma= action Good means selfless, without your ego Evil means selfish, with your ego Punishment is suffering, it's all inside! That was karma is about. You manipulate people and things to protect yourself, you feel like you have to Be mindful of how you do this - watch out for your selfish behavior, especially the subtle ways You create your own suffering not external situations. When you do selfish things it ends up backfiring on you. 7)understanding emotions Understanding emotions 1 category - apathy- least resourceful Depression, defeated, bored, lazy 2 category - grief Sad, hurt, betrayed, disappointed, guilty 3 category - fear Terror, nervousness, worry, insecurity 4 category- lust Craving, greed, possesivness, frustration 5 category - anger Disgust, pissed off, vengeful, annoyed 6 category - pride Icy, judgemental, arrogance 7 category - courage Confident, creative, happy, secure 8 category - acceptance Compassion, loving, playful 9 category - peace Awareness, calm, feeling complete, free, centered Emotions are neutral, don't judge them as good or bad. Emotion is just a sensation in your body. Mind creates the judgement! Feel your emotions fully, don't run away from them. Emotions are a language of your subconscious mind. All emotions will keep you alive- it's their job to make you survive and reproduce Those emotions don't care about your happiness, it's all about surviving. Your objectives are emotional, your entire motivational system is based on them You can't control your emotions, emotions are controlling you Emotions are the foundation Mindfulness is the key to mastering your emotions, just observe them! Stop judging your emotions as good or bad. Feel the emotion deeply! Don't judge yourself for having a negative emotions Stop, don't label it, just feel it Practice!!! Exercise: Create an alarm for entire week that rings 3 hours after you wake up, 3 hours after that - 5 times a day. Stop, get a journal, write what your emotion is. 8) feminine vs masculine compassion Are you doing the thing for their good? Be honest Is it geniune? Your compassion grows with awareness. You can see everything as you Identify which pole you go to and use the opposite one. Build balance between the two, be more flexible with it 9) how to stop backsliding How to stop backsliding Expect homeostasis Set proper realistic expectations Expect that mind, body and people will resist Don't listen to excuses your mind is coming up with Be prepared for serious negotations with yourself Ease off a bit when you need it. Expect emotional labour! Practice meditation Choose the right thing, just one change can transform your life. Make a 100% commitment, no excuses 10) How to become enlightened There is no process! It's a gateless gate/ pathless path Action steps: sit down, set a timer for 30 minutes or 60, sit upright, be alert. Find you realest sense of self, who do you feel you are? Is there an entity here? Where am i? Who am i? Am I the body? You have to have an open mind to do this right You believe you're the voice- go meta on it, who is aware of the voice? You have to come to the point you don't know who you are . Everything you are perceving is ariving at nowhere, become conscious of this. Where is the perception of the perceiver? Am I a perception? You have to have a huge desire for truth. You have to keep refocusing because your mind will wander. Don't believe the voice - it's all sounds and images Reality is the thing that exists right now. Only now! It's not real if it's not happening now, it's a story in your head Content is not real, do not believe your thoughts or the voice. Drop all beliefs, all ideologies Trust your direct experience You know nothing