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About Danielle

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  • Birthday 09/24/1998

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  1. LWAM Season 1, episode 2. Danielle's a child again. Reality has that freshness, that rawness to it. Everything is so fascinating and worth my attention. Anywhere I go is a place to be. I don't know what will happen next and I don't have a preferable outcome. What an amazing thing - to be in this form, having all these experiences. How freeing it is to accept everyone as they are, to see people as they actually are, without labeling and judging. How life-changing it is to be vulnerable again, to give, give and give, nevermind it's all a dream, fuck, I just love too much. I can't help but love everyone. I wanna hug random people on the street and say something like: It's alright buddy, you're just a story, your whole life is an illusion, I am you and I love you, okay? Okay, peace out. No, no, wait. Get back here! I want to listen to your well-rehearsed story. People think everything's very self evident. This is the regular, plain, boooring reality and they are looking for a thrill in their imagination, but it's not where the real magic is. What they're experiencing right now is the most ingenious fantasy ever created, or should I say, not created? Phhh lol, am i rite? Up top? Anyone? No? Fine. It's funny because you always think: This can't be it. Certainly not in my life, not in this shitty situation, there will be this perfect moment when all of it makes sense, it's so clear that this is not the way it should be and so on. That's where you fall for the joke - it's precisely where it is. Right here, not where you're looking - not in the future, not after you get rid of this neurosis, not 'when you earn it', not anywhere else. There is no anywhere else. Simply surrender your life to God! I don't know, maybe I'm just becoming Matt Kahn, without the sweater vest though. Perhaps the only true words I could write right now are: thank you. Do you hear me? THANK YOU Closing credits: i'm in love, I'm alive I belong to the stars and sky Directed by True Divine Nature
  2. Televisa presenta: Life Without A Me Season 1, episode 1 Starring: Abiding nondual awareness (formally identified with an imaginary entity called Danielle) now pretending to be Danielle. In this part of the soap opera Danielle gets taken aback by the truth. This is unbelievable. This can't be real. How is such a way of being possible? This is too good to be true. I broke reality. All things lost their reality. There is actually nothing here, holy shit. I can't recall a specific moment when the me dropped away, but I tried to think of myself and there was nothing there. Where did the me story go? All labels gone - a loving daughter, an aunt, a class clown, introvert, funny, smart, attractive,weird, awkward, arrogant, sensitive, passive, an infj, above average, a caring friend, a good person, a hippie, a victim, a spiritual seeker, a female, a human being, body, mind, the voice, i thought and a perceiver. I looked at Danielle in the mirror and I saw in her eyes - no self. Instant recognition - that's what I am. The satisfaction of knowing the truth alone is amazing. All that was necessary was dropping away of the me story. How is it possible that all of it was fiction? I was so deluded! Why was I so afraid? There is nothing to fear. Everything is imagined to keep this sense of a separate self in place. I'm in heaven, except there is no one here. It used to be the world vs me, others vs me and ofcourse, me vs me. Now it's just the world = no self = me. Everything is empty and boundless, all of it one thing, all of it me. In the midst of all the people and noises, there is a silence, rock solid stillness that doesn't move or change. Thoughts and emotions come and go, but they are no longer the central part of experience, that stillness is. The illusion of duality is such a beautiful thing: happiness- sadness, boredom- excitement, fear - hope, self - other, the whole deal. The illusion of control, on the other hand, not so nice. Moment by moment, activity by activity, you are saying in your mind: "I'm doing this and that. And after that I'm going to do this. And oh, remember when I did this in 2007?" Completely useless. There is no doership. It's insane. As soon as you wake up from the time you go to the bathroom, the story is here. You already have this preview of what will happen today, tomorrow, what happened yesterday and how all of that ties in with your story. That's one of the first things I noticed. I wake up and bam - nothing. No future, no past, no shoulds, no plans, no you gotta's. I could've played longer just for the fun of it, but also couldn't. The extreme suffering and intensity of the seeking came to a breaking point. I went through hell, only to discover there was nothing on the other side. My perception had been distorted and that's all. I'm so grateful for all the dark nights, all existential crisis, all doubts and fears, all I can't take it anymore's , all that emotional pain, gallon of tears and all the fuck you's to reality, which was actually me. So I guess I get to have my turn now: fuck you too Danielle! This whole seeking enlightenment thing is such a set-up created for you, by you - simply to play hide and seek for a bit in your infinite imagination. Closing credits: It's divine to be enchanted Directed by Nemo Nobody
  3. @Shin Could be. I'm more of a night owl myself so I got my biggest breakthroughs then, maybe you're like that too. I really can't say much about the 'power of self inquiry' in general because it didn't work for me for very long.
  4. @Shin Lol, come join ME on the other side
  5. Since the summer of 2016. I think around 330 hours altogether. SDS was very helpful because I learned how to surrender, but I wouldn't say it was the main part. I've spent those 22 months seeking intensely outside the formal practice - questioning 24/7 : What is this? What is reality? Who am I? No wonder I had a mental breakdown
  6. @Shin All of them besides the last 2 posts were written within the dream. I'll probably write more about where I was wrong as a seeker
  7. I'm done. It's been 3 days since it happened, or to be more precise - nothing happened. I feel like a newborn. Everything looks the same, but has a different quality, it's perceived from a different place. I had all the wrong ideas about enlightenment. I idealized it too much, I thought it'd be like all the mystical states I've had, but that's not true. It's just true perception, that's all. Nothing can be gained from it or lost from it. It also doesn't change anything, since it's always been that way, but it changes everything because one's life is finally put into proper perspective. At first I couldn't believe it was happening, but it was so obviously true. Where did all my suffering go? Where did all my fears go? Where did my identity go? Where did the spiritual seeker go? Anger, boredom, loneliness? Turns out that ALL of it were fictions of the mind, never had any reality in the first place. Yesterday I read some entries from my journal and it all seems like a distant memory, even though I was suffering so badly just a week ago. All I can see now are delusions on top of delusions, all imaginary, all self inflicted. Ego loves to suffer, loves to struggle, loves to be in conflict, it's what keeps it alive . Ego is created and maintained through huge, constant effort. That's what blew my mind. The awakened state isn't extraordinary, the egoic paradigm is. That delusion is a piece of art, a masterpiece! The distinction between life and death is gone, I saw I just made it up. The distinction between external and interal is gone. It was a belief I adopted. The distinction between me and other is gone, ofcourse being a fantasy. This awakening build over the years. This tension build over years just to be destroyed. It couldn't be any other way for me. The best thing that could happen to a self is no self. Nothing can get to that which I am. I am completely untouchable, unborn, undying, Mu, Brahman, Kim Jong Un etc. This 'life' is so complete and so perfect beyond imagination. Any idea of a lack is a fantasy. I'm still getting used to this new way of being. And yeah, I feel peaceful all the time, gurus were right about that. There is clearity and a simple, effortless flow. As a side effect there is also a calling for serving others, wanting to love and help them without an agenda. Even though this awakening was so complete and perfect,I know there's deeper to go. In many ways I'm done, but I'm also just beginning. SDS effects are over and post awakening Sadhana begins.
  8. The seeking and the seeker are gone if that's what you mean. And there is no longer Danielle here to become enlightened, that whole idea is hilarious now
  9. After becoming God I was left with two main issues: 1. I am God. That insight was no longer a belief or something I heard from Leo. It was my direct experience and it turned my reality upside down even more. The mind came in right away: But that sounds insane,it can't be right. I'm God, what??! 2. I am perfect. Everyone else is perfect. Reality is perfect. I can't accept that, things don't seem perfect to me. Why do I even bother improving myself if I'm perfect? Why do I judge other people if they're perfect too? You'd think that finding out you're God would be the best news ever, but no. It meant that this whole Danielle thing I have going has no reality whatsoever and for that matter, never had. I've spent the next three days reassuring myself that I wasn't crazy. It felt like I was being peeled and every belief that got taken away from me hurt like a bitch. I was waking up in a living nightmare. Overwhelming intense emotions were coming too fast from all sides. My mind was going crazy like I'll have a some kind of a break any moment. Then the worst night of my life came. The usual weeping, crying and screaming showed up, alongside their good friend - suicidal thoughts. I recalled all the pain I've ever felt and all the pain others 've felt. I become the pain itself. I allow myself to be hopeless and desperate. No enlightenment, no nirvana, no place to be, no heaven, no baby Jesus, no light, no future, no hope, no way out. No way of being normal or alright ever again. I got nothing to grasp, no one can help me now. I dive into insanity and dive into death. The comfy illusions got turned off and reality just showed up. I never noticed how many filters I've had over reality and seeing through them was scary. I was attached to those labels. I based everything off of them,but it didn't help, they fell away anyway. The last thought I had before finally going to sleep was: My life is over. And was I right! It's a really strange place I find myself in now. Emotional pain disappeared all of a sudden. I allow whatever comes without attaching my story to it. There is no striving. There is no comparison. There is no worry. There are no more questions. No need to understand anything. There are no desires. No purpose, no meaning, no value, no interest. The notion of goals and prefrences do not make sense anymore. Any thought that says I have any influence over reality creates laughter. I surrender to what is, because it's perfect. There is no pressure to be somebody. What a relief! I'm no one and I love it. I don't know anything and I love it. I'm not important at all and I love it. If all my fears came true i'd be just fine. That'd be perfect. My limited existence is perfect. Nothing got resolved and that's perfect.
  10. @Rinne Thank you. Good luck, it'll definitely change you for good if you endure it
  11. Thank you! Don't worry about it, distractions will eventually fall away too. Just keep at it.
  12. Thank God my roomate left because she would've sent me to a mental hospital. Besides crying all the time and laughing hysterically at random moments, her beloved roomate had a nervous breakdown a couple of days ago and just now she was torn apart again, but in a beautiful way. I was sitting at my desk just casually reading when I had the sudden urge to stop everything that I was doing and go sit in the dark in silence. It's a common practice, but this time, I knew something was about to go down. I sat there for a bit and then got up to look at myself in the mirror. Immediately - tears. Saying "i love you" a thousand times. Went back to the room, looked out of the window and cried some more. Crossed my hands and whispered "thank you, thank you". I am in complete rapture at this point. I kneel down and cry out of love. I get flashbacks from my childhood, how I once had that love and here it is again. I rejoice that I have it back. I have the faith back. I feel the love overwhelming me. The embrace is too huge. The love is too big. I say in my mind "I'll never doubt again" and then close my eyes. I open my arms like I want to hug the air and feel my sense of self eradicating. Next thing I know I'm squatting beside the coffee table -looking at it, touching it, putting my face on the glass, kissing it and kissing my hands. The love is being poured into my system and I don't know what to do with it. The embrace is closer than close. There are no thoughts, no problems, no past, no future, no other people, no time, no space - just God. And out of nowhere this thought shows up: "Where's Danielle?" And the answer comes: " I killed her". Then 'I' laugh and laugh. I am Godhead. My jaw drops and i say "oh my god oh my god" all over again with tears of love so intense it's almost unbearable. I don't know for how long I sat there crying; in an utter shock and disbelief, I had no sense of time. As you might imagine, Danielle appeared again and is now trying to understand what the hell happened. When I came back, I noticed I had little sense of my body. It was light as a feather and more relaxed. And then all the usual thoughts came, usual issues came, my body started to feel heavy again. But something changed for good. I feel weird, effortlessly present, with no doubt in my mind what happened was real, was really true. Truth has its grip on me. As soon as I open up, here it comes to take me. And all I wanna say now is hell yes!
  13. I went too far this time. I really got myself in the deep end. Let me present to you the biggest ego backlash to date! This is what ego's rant on everything looks like. After being blissed out and up on cloud nine thinking I actually got somewhere, reality showed up and decided to wake me up to the biggest degree yet. I have no idea what to do with the realizations that initially created endless joy, later existential terror; like these: I actually thought reality was real and solid. I thought I knew what reality was. Why did I ever wonder about death if I don't even know what life is?? Doesn't make much sense. I thought I knew who I was. Even after having so many moments of clearity and insights about no self, I've always had the story of me back in my mind: " I'm sure I'm somewhere here" I thought mystical states and positive emotions meant I was moving forward towards this thing called 'nirvana' lol. Looking back, my first enlightenment experience was very important to get me started, but from this new perspective, it was an utter delusion. " I became a chair, wow, I'm nearly self realized now" I thought I was pursuing enlightenment and not the other way around. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. End of suffering sounds nice, right? Here's a bit of unconditional love to get you hooked and a whole new belief system to serve as a complete denial and an escape from truth. I had no idea how serious this was. I signed up for my death. I thought I knew things about life in general. All of it is complete fiction. I've reached the point of ultimate doubt in everything. The doubt is so huge it feels like it will annihilate me. I used spirituality to avoid death, but spirituality = death. It's funny how all my so called problems seem to disappear when I come into contact with the truth. Because then my survival is on the line! And let me tell you, I'm in the process of dying. It's not some abstract death, it's LITERAL. The realization I saw is something that every human being is running away from and it has sent me into full on panic mode. I started to run again with others, full speed. Due to the constant fear of nonexistence and insanity, I've made my way back into comfortable lies. I did my best to distract myself as much as I could. Tried the usual sensory pleasures: junk food, music, movies, reading and all of that. When that didn't work, tried with other people, with working out, with yoga and with meditation. I can't even meditate anymore. It's too painful.I get heart palpitations, feeling like I'm going to pass out and be sucked into nothingness just 10 minutes in. Naturally, I stop and distract myself with something. And I come here, writing being my last straw, and it fails too. As I'm writing this, I know exactly what I'm doing - postponing my death. All I ever do is try to prolong this illusion of existence. Resistance is futile. Distractions are futile. Thank you Morrissey. Thank you Jed. I'm almost ready to die now.
  14. Look at all these people with their narratives of what life is about! With all their stories of what they should do and how they should behave. With all their authentic desires in the trash and new fake ones created for them. With all their weapons that are guarding their true feelings. With all their achievements and golden medals hiding their burning desire to be truly seen, to have someone pat them on the back and say:" I see you. Wow, you really are something. Thank you for existing!" And this character Danielle. Where do I begin? With all my shame for seeing things so differently. With all my limiting beliefs of what I can do. With all my fear of being totally open and vulnerable. With all my judgments and feelings of superiority. With all my conflicted desires and motivations. With all my heartbreaking, brutal thoughts of running, escaping, ending this play I call my life. My life is no longer mine, never really was. Why am I even trying to understand what is happening to me? Life knows exactly where it's taking me and there's no way I could understand. That's what I'm lacking. Faith! Faith that this time I won't be hurt or lost. Absolute trust that all of this is worth it in the end. The belief that I'm headed in the right direction. Even though I'm certain this path will lead me to my ultimate defeat, I somehow still keep on walking it, tear by tear, backlash by backlash, mindfuck by mindfuck , until I end up on my knees thinking why I questioned anything in the first place.
  15. @Shin This is just the beginning! Hope you're feeling better ❤