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About Danielle

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  1. I am there where all paradoxes are Beyond everything and nothing is where I reside. Existence and non existence in one. Complete stillness and rapid movement. Total goodness and absolute evil. Complete free will and determinism. Utter despair and unimaginable gratitude. No way out, freedom at every turn. Total perfection and fucked up nonsense. I am that which I am not. Nobody seeing through no one. Emptiness and substance one. Nothing to stand on, firm ground everywhere. Tears of terror and bliss. Nothing more real than the dream. Paralyzing fear turned into courage. Nothing more deserving of love than the unlovable. Being awake the most deceptive form of dreaming. Suffering necessary joy. Words the only way for the unncomunicable. Everything equally important and redundant. Love the final enemy of the self. Accepting denial good way to flush out resistance. Brutal honesty just another lie. Transcendence the best way to be brought back to reality. Years of work put into one second of closing all doors to self forever. Saving yourself to save no one. Saying no sure way to be smothered by yes. Beyond space and time I am, bound only by a lie. Lifetime of confusion for one second of earthshattering clarity. Lifetime of self hate for one second of life changing self love. Balancing the known and the unknown only with faith. Having faith only in the unavoidability of love. Destruction of the interior for the new creation of exterior. Non experiencing every experience imaginable. Wanting not to be so much you're only left with being. Giving up yourself to gain yourself. Removing your eyes to see yourself. Always moving, never going anywhere. Those are all the things that I am and I am not.
  2. LWAM Season 1, episode 12 I’m back to write my annual post. I had an itch to share some of the things I’ve been experiencing since last time so here I go again. I don’t even know why I would write anything because I would simply be repeating what’s been said a million times. But I also cannot NOT write because THE ITCH! Falling deeper into this never –ending funhouse of absolute nothingness tends to come in waves. After the initial shock of altered perception, it slowly becomes more and more natural and yet, there is always this element of surprise waiting around the corner. There are subtle ways in which I notice things changing. I guess I feel major shifts whenever there’s any change in the degree of identification with thoughts and feelings. And that’s the closest I can describe it because even saying that isn’t quite true. All that is happening is deeper falling and I don’t know what exactly is falling and where. Recently, there’s been a subtle way in which identification arises and drops almost instantly. The constant dissolving of this fake structure is so amusing. I see myself making stuff up and then convincing myself it’s the truth and maybe falling for it for a day or two before I see through the whole thing and then I’m back “at the right perception”. At this point I’m just fucking with myself for laughs. Like, how can I trick myself while also knowing I’m tricking myself? I do keep on dying on different levels and here’s what that looks like followed by random sentences I wrote in my journal about the thing: 1) BRAIN NOT WORKING WORDS WHAT I got somewhat used to not having memory, but then another disorienting thing happened with thoughts. As in, I would have intrusive thoughts about one particular thing and after a while it would exhaust itself completely and then I’d be left in this state of no thoughts. And from that state it would be very hard to articulate and formulate words. It feels as though my brain has been fried which is hilarious in and of itself because I can’t find the brain that I’m referring to. Everything is rising out of me and in me, I can’t believe it, I have no mind. I made it up!! There’s a mind that does what exactly?? 2) THE DICKHEAD I noticed that I no longer feel feelings of others which was an amazing relief because it meant that I no longer felt suffering hardly ever. And after that I noticed that - wait, I don’t feel any feelings period. And then oh, I do feel feelings, but it’s sort of like, they have nothing to with me so I don’t really pay that much attention to them. And when I do pay attention to a feeling and stay with it for a while, it fades away very quickly. Feelings are a nonissue because I don’t see a difference between “positive” and “negative” emotions. Like really! It doesn’t matter what I label the feeling, it’s gone before I try to get hold of it. I feel everything almost three feet away from me at all times. Things are not important - I don’t believe in them anymore. That’s why there a lot of things I feel like I can’t really relate to. One moment things matter to me, the next they don’t, it’s like they never happened. I’m having trouble with seeing people’s problems as problems because it all looks like imaginary nonsense. In any interaction my first reaction is: I’m not buying it. It almost like can’t relate to or understand personal issues. Or maybe I’m just a dickhead now. Practically, it might be said that I turned into a dickhead but strangely, I’m more compassionate than ever. The funny thing is that feeling people’s feelings and understanding them or believing in them doesn’t help them, it just puts suffering on top of suffering. Only when you don’t believe them can you feel real compassion. The paradoxes of this are insane. I can’t get sucked into human drama like before as in, I know it’s not real and because of that there’s so much compassion for anyone that does because I remember what it felt like. 3) FAMILY STANDS FOR??? The body that is here is certainly related to my family members, but my relationship with them is totally gone. I value them as people and continue to have relationships with them, but not as their daughter, sister or aunt. The person that they once knew is gone and they don’t even know it. I just do a hell of a job pretending. How can I be related to anything when I see myself being born and then dying each second that passes? What would that even mean? The person that I was is completely dead. I’m dying laughing. Dear god. The person that pretended to be here finally left, or honestly, was dragged out of the theater. 4) LOVE PERSONIFIED BLABLABLA I feel suffocated by love. The love is so intense I am scared of it. I am embodied love. And I love loving. I’m literally living in never ending love I am absolute love. What I am has never been hurt, never left, never rejected. It doesn’t know anything but pure love for itself. Read Meister Eckhart for much more clear insights about love if you’re in the mood. Everything is my body. I’ll never be able to express the gratitude I feel. I genuinely don’t need anything outside of what needs to keep the body mind alive. I want everyone to experience this, but I’m not sure they are ready or even want to. Every moment I am there, always there, never arriving, never going, always here, always full, always infinite, always at the place of life and death and neither. End credits: All creation is hollow, and a picture's a shadow. Just a symptom of love, with a lack of a cause. Directed by The Prime Minister of writing clichès on forums.
  3. LWAM Season 1, episode 11 I guess I’m the person who writes one post a year now. Should i start writing poetry? Jeez, I can't write a cohesive sentence to save my life. Except that one and the one I'm writing now. Random words, thoughts and feelings scattered in all my writings. No way of properly conveying them but wanting to share something. So here they are, make of them what you will and I hope they make some sense and resonate. One moment I’m there, the next I’m gone Opening and closing, almost on the clock Inside is outside, outside is inside Thoughts are outside, people inside Sometimes you go outside, sit on your bike, look at your neighbor you’ve known for 20 years and there it is. Clear as day; God! Duh! Everywhere I go it’s there Every second that passes it's it- IT IS IT! Selfing feels claustrophobic There is no fuel in the structure, keeps falling apart like a house of cards There is nowhere to go in the mind I am unknowable I am the thing trying to reach itself No ending, no conclusion, no certainty Life now has no substance, it's like a breeze There is no play yet I perform I’ve been searching for truth and meanwhile living it Reality is completely bendable String between thoughts and feelings cut off, both like puzzle pieces that don't fit with each other anymore Every few months there's another layer of this thing. I find so much joy in it Through insanity sanity, through lies truth, through death life, through infinite stories silence, through aloneness company I am alive and I am dead. I am the writer and the written. I am the director and the actor. I am the why and the because. I am the known and the unknown. But really, I am love and nothing else. End credits: I am washing; I am washing your skin. Your skin I am calling your son. Directed by The Cloud of Nonsense.
  4. @Rinne Possibly in the future, certainly not in the next 3-5 years.
  5. @Igor82 I'm glad the journal had an impact, thank you for your kind words.
  6. LWAM Season 1, episode 9. I know, I know, I didn't write anything in forever, but just hear me out, okay? I'll start at the beginning. I've fallen deeper into emptiness. It's funny because it went from I am Danielle DUH!, to I am nothing and everything to I'm not nothing nor am I anything else besides nothing and it's so obviously true! To save you from mental masturbation, wait till you become it because holy smokes! It has left me utterly speechless, not being able to do anything but bask in it for days on end. The stuff I experienced a year ago seems silly in comparison. I was rereading stuff from this journal and found it unbelievably delusional and hilarious. It's astounding how different my perception is- now it's crystal clear, even more so than the first time it shifted because the difference is insane. Another thing:memory. I don't have it. They don't tell you about this in enlightenment brochures. My short term memory is non existent. Every insight I had recently I had to write down immediately or it'd be lost forever. I had a presentation a while back and few minutes before it I realized I forgot everything. And weirdly enough, when it was my turn to speak I started talking effortlessly. I don't know how it happened and it was strange at first, but it's kinda fun not to know anything now. I cried out of love in public couple of times this month. Just kidding, this week. The love is beyond all ideas and feelings of oneness, beyond God and beyond all whys. It's an never-ending orgasm of being that loves. I find myself in situations that previously brought a lot of suffering. I have no resistance to any of it and no pain arises. It keeps on shocking me how distorted my perception was. I see family members and friends creating fantasy suffering and problems while carrying the self as a trusty perception distorter. You know how I said I was out and about? Well that turned around again since this unraveling started. I suddenly have 0 interest in anything besides sitting in silence and savouring the moment. Is this it now? Will I just stay silent forever? Will I find a cave and spend the next decade in it? I really don't know, I had the need to share this with you so that's probably a no. I spent the last 8 months in a non dual honeymoon and now it's time to go deeper. After the ecstasy, the laundry. End credits: There is no other day Let's try it another way You'll lose your mind and play Directed by a 20-year-old ox tamer.
  7. @jjer94 When I come to the US and find a decent statue to sleep on I'll gladly show you Right back at ya! You might want to consider a haircut though Mr.Reeves @Rinne I changed my mind about that lol. Thank you for reading
  8. LWAM Season 1, episode 8 Hey The Black Eyed Peas! Three words can describe my current existence: Out and about. This summer was the exact opposite of last year's, which I spent mostly inside alone, meditating and contemplating about existence. I based my introversion on my sensitivity to the outside world and general disinterest in humans which, as it turns out, is just an exaggerated half truth based on fear. I had 3 main tasks: 1. Step out of my comfort zone. 2. Do things I haven't done before. 3 Meet new people. The end results were: not sleeping for 30 hours straight, sleeping at random places in public, getting constantly asked for drugs because it's peculiar to be so happy sober, playing at a kids' park, actually opening up to strangers, hooking up with said strangers, getting high with said strangers, getting random insights sporadically, complete loss of anxiety, dancing for 7 hours straight, being outside of my head for once and having constant THIS IS GOD moments. Few specific ones come to mind. I woke up from the world's most uncomfortable nap on a statue in Budapest, would not recommend btw, and saw a guy randomly doing yoga next to me. The timing of him doing the poses was impeccable and in his movements I saw God. I witnessed recovering addict's story and could feel his pain and the struggle he went through while also having the deep realization that all of that was God too, the rock bottom and the hopelessness that accompanied it were absolute perfection in a very brutal sense. I overslept and was running late to a train and had 12 minutes to run through the whole city to make it and while I was running like a maniac I had 2 thoughts. One was naturally:" I'm not going to make it" over and over again and the other was: it's startling I get to experience this, running like all hell, people looking at me like I'm insane whilst melting due to the hot weather. I can't believe this is happening. I know this is God! At a festival a guy stood up in front of the stage and started to cry while having the biggest smile on his face and the sun started to come out and I teared up with him because it was so beautiful. When I was done dad dancing at a club and started to observe people, it felt very strange to watch them. It felt as though I saw humans for the very first time and got this unshakeable feeling like I was on an alien planet. This human mask we wear was seen through as a facade and it was the funniest thing ever. My best friend broke up with me. The pain I felt seemed almost comforting, sadness different. Usually I'd go down a suicidal rabbit hole, reinforcing old beliefs about people, bringing back trust issues, but for the first time that didn't happen. There was a deep knowing that all the memories we shared and the love I had for her and the loss I experienced were the same thing-God. I used to be so afraid of interaction and rejection, but now I see engaging with people worth it, no matter what the outcome ends up being. This has been a shock therapy of sensations, emotions and people and even though I feel tired, I'm very grateful for the glorious lessons I would otherwise miss out on if I hadn't gone outside. End credits: See the lord and all the mouths he feeds Let it roll among the weeds Let it roll Directed by an exhausted ex misanthrope.
  9. LWAM, Season 1 episode 7 Hey peas! Sorry for the delay of the show, my writers were on a strike due to the whole losing to France thing. I've written some pretty deep stuff last month, but I feel like sharing it later on. Instead of describing my experience and the chaotic peacefulness that is currently overshadowing my reality, I'll give really bad advice for the 3 most frequent spiral dynamics stages while they are still hot topic in here. STAGE BLUE: Have 2 and 3/4 kids, 2 dogs roughly speaking, and a white picked fence. Get a tattoo of Trump on your heart. Never ever have a thought of your own. Blame Muslims for all your political problems. Demonize psychedelics while binge drinking. Talk badly about your country every day except on national days when you're a ultranationalist. Debate how all religions are wrong except yours. Devide humans in us vs them category. Never question authority figures. Look down upon all alternative lifestyles outside of the system. Kick your lgbt kids out of the house. View divorce as a sin. View anything outside of tradition as a threat. STAGE ORANGE Have about 15 Armani shirts that say happiness is in the small things. Celebrate your birthday at the gym and work out while eating the cake so it doesn't ruin your six pack. Pay more attention to your things than your children. Choose life. Choose a job. My bad, wrong movie. Demonize all religions, but be religiously atheistic. Quote Tony Robbins in every conversation. Categorize people in terms of their usefulness to your success. Never allow a moment of silence - bombard yourself with constant stimulation and noise. Favour superficial relationships over anything real. Form connections based upon image. Worry more about being presentable in society than personal happiness. STAGE GREEN: Justify everything with nonduality theory. Jerk off to your superiorty on the spiral dynamics. Eat 20 avocados a day and post each of them on Instagram. Change your name into something hindu. Don't wash your hair because it's egoic. Have a~ meat is murder~ sticker on your backpack. Completely deny that money exists and that you need it. Play the victim card when someone questions the beliefs of your group. Call people closeminded when they won't buy into your ideology. Be obnoxiously self-righteous about everything. Stage Danielle Use humor as a self defense mechanism. Choose nonduality over self esteem issues because you're too evolved for such basic tasks. Only listen to songs 20 people have heard. Enroll in a course called popular culture while being a hipster. Send people to dead-end streets when they ask for directions cause you're socially inept. Have a crush on a straight girl for the thousand time.Have Heat of the Moment as your ringtone for 4 years because you're that afraid of change. Lastly (not clickbait) life saving tips Stop reading vampire romance novels. Start a band in which everyone plays triangle and perform only Ode to Joy. Stay alive for the drums in When the levee breaks. Pet cats. Do balet moves in a night club. Make strong eye contact with strangers. Never finish a post without being cynical. End credits: Everyone's begging for an answer without regard to validity. The searching never ends and it goes on and on and for eternity. Directed by Green - yellow Croatian Doctor Phil.
  10. LWAM, Season 1 episode 6 Hi peepholes! Recently I discovered I'm a walking contradiction. A lot of these are the result of being an INFJ so buckle up fellow contradictions! I love people. Sweet, caring, funny, smart humans I want to kiss on the forehead when they're asleep. But also, greedy, ignorant, hypocritical shitheads whose brains I want to bash with a sledge hammer. Okay, maybe too graphic. Peope are boring and fascinating. I can't stand how blend and shallow people are. It's like I'm constanlty hearing the same exact story by many different people, but also, people do things that shock me, that I couldn't predict in a million years. People are so diverse, there are so many personalities, so much weirdness, I could spend lifetimes analyzing them. I feel like I'm 1000 years old and ended up in a society that's way too hectic and advanced from me, but I kinda feel like I'm from the future and even with constant effort, still can't understand the motivations of 21century people and their inability to be more conscious. I want attention. Listen to my bad puns, give me compliments and acknowledge my viewpoint, but also don't speak to me, leave me alone, don't pay attention to me. Can't you see i want to be invisible??!! Sometimes I'll end up doing something random and don't even know how I ended up there, but I also have everything planned. I'm sarcastic to the point of being serious and then I don't even know if I'm joking or not. People have told me I'm an enigma and I want to stay mysterious, but I also want to be understood. I'm interested in everything. Anything from politics to how to prepare the most delicious falafel, I'm on it. And I'm bored all the time. All things are interesting, but none of them are interesting enough to hook me for a longer period of time. I see areas in life in which I can improve while also having the desire to burn it all down. I tend to idealise people too much and believe in good in people, but I also don't trust easily. It takes years to earn my trust. I need to have meaning to every little thing I'm doing but everything is meaningless. I'll be the most sincere person you'll meet and then manipulate you to fit my desires. By understading people at a deep level I know what to say or do to get them doing what suits me. Manipulation is easy for me and I despise it at the same time. Sometimes I can stay quiet for days, not speaking to anyone and any effort to talk is exhausting and some other days I can't shut the hell up. I can fit in everywhere. I get along easily with many different people and blend in all groups imagineable and yet I can't find a group in which I feel like I really belong. I'm arrogant and modest. I'm a typical smart-ass, the grammar nazi, the douche that starts her sentences with "actually it's.." the person who'll respond to compliments with I know, the all knowing queen who thinks people are idiots. And yet, I get incredibly shy when someone mentions my talents and achievements and tend to change the subject and focus on the other person. I want to help improve society and I want to leave it entirely to become a hermit because I don't even want to bother. I'm an addicted daydreamer who spends most of her days in some sort of fantasy, chasing some abstract ideal, creating stories upon stories and I'm more aware than people who don't live in their imagination and often give reality checks to people because they won't accept basic facts. Aka ~death~ ~their self deceptions~ ~meaningless existence~ ~ reminding people of their not so healthy behaviors that keep making them miserable that will unavoidably explode one day and regretful death~ SO MUCH FUN! Very private, but can share too much. In those situations I wonder why I ever say anything. I'm boring and hilarious. I often talk about the most dull, tedious things no one cares about and other times I'm Louis CK before the sex scandal. Or after it. Or during it(?) Need to be alone and need to be with people. If I'm without human contact for a while I'll drive myself crazy, but if I'm with them too much I'll get exhausted and then start resenting them. I have perfectly constructed sentences in my head, can't articulate them. There is constant gap with what I can say and what I think. Will see your potential and cheer for you but also be jealous. Crybaby and emotionless. I don't cry at funerals, weddings, upon hearing dust in the wind, when dogs die in movies ( sorry everyone) or any kind of thing that normally makes people cry. Sometimes I have to pretend to be sad so people don't think I'm a robot. I cry when I see a sad stranger or when I see my nephew's god-awful drawing. A while back I stared crying over my mother's singing and she's tone deaf. That pretty much sums it up. Inviting and intimidating. People always come up to me and talk to me, but some people seem to be a bit scared. Maybe it's because i tend to look into people's souls way too intense and read them very well. I have an older neighbour who I believe is also an INFJ and when I was suicidal I would say "I'm great" and then I knew she caught me being full of shit. And I've noticed people running away from me because they know I can sense their bs aswell. I feel like I'm a complete extremist when it comes to everything, but it appears as though I do fall in the middle in some areas: I'm an extraverted introvert. I know it's called an ambivert. It just sounds cooler like this, alright? I seem like a crazy extrovert compared to other introverts. I'm not feminine nor masculine. I can't stand chick flicks, romance novels and shopping is my worst nightmare. I don't understand shopping for fun nor the endless wandering around the mall for 3+ hours when you're not even going to buy anything. I always end up sitting with men which I find hilarious. Dear men, if your wife/girlfriend/mother/ sister/mistress/ friend takes you shopping against your will, I want to say from the bottom of my heart: My deepest apologies. Hopefully one day she'll realize how painful it is. Yours, Let'snotgotothemalltoday Association. What was I talking about again? I'm not maternal or nurturing and hate being dependent on people. On the other hand I'm understanding, compassionate, sensitive, intuitive and supportive. Sometimes i'll sacrifice reason for feelings and other times vice versa. Anyway, all this time I looked for something to define me and then I realized why it was so hard. Making sense of these labels is nearly impossible since all of them are opposing each other, none of them true in any existential sense. Sometimes helpful, but often a cause of suffering, labels should be used to understand behavior and not define your entire existence. End credits: I have no belief, but I believe I'm a walking contradiction. Directed by This (not so) charming manwoman. P.S. Can someone see if this is PC enough? And if you're offended, I'm offended too. Bye bros.
  11. @jjer94 That's an excellent analogy! I know this conversation by heart LOL. I think the main source of nihilism is fear of love and fear of life. It's much easier to give up on everything than to willingly try. Still, it's much more rewarding to say yes to it.
  12. LWAM Season 1 episode 5 Hi peeps. I kind of disappeared there didn't I? No I didn't go on a month retreat nor did I go to India to live inside a cave. I've been LIVING. How dare I?? Don't tell anyone, but I didn't think seriously about spirituality for 2 whole months!! I went to this magic place called the outside world where nothing is wrong, nobody is a chimp and life is smooth sailing. Anyway, I'm feeling good, damn, I'm feeling so fine. ( thanks for those lyrics JT) A few days ago I found stuff I wrote at the end of February that I wanted to share, but was too scared to actually do it at the time since it's pretty intense. Shortly after that, I watched Leo's video about being burned alive and it rang familiar with what I went through during that time. Talk about a sign! Here is me at my lowest and how I survived: I want to help people, but I don't know how, I want to love them, don't know how, I want to love myself, don't know how. I feel like I'm leaving everyone to suffer. I feel like an only sane person. I just can't take it anymore. It's all over. I'm so sick of living in this lie, playing this absurd game. Why can't i go back to sleep and forget about all of this? It'd be much easier. I should've stayed ignorant. I actually know I'll die if I meditate, so I distract myself, but I also realize that I'll die regardless. It's not like I can reconstruct this giant part of me that is gone forever. What was I thinking? This thing is like a ticking time bomb that is approaching and is saying: You know, you can't avoid me forever. So I can't back to ordinary living, but I also don't want to die. Why do I have to go through this???? Haven't I suffered enough? WHEN will it end? Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong by existing? I can't stand those lies, all the egoic games, that pretending. I feel like a trash can for negative emotions. I should've killed myself when I was 13. Here I am to endure yet another day of hell and pointless pain wuhuuuuu They say the universe doesn't make mistakes, but I think it messed up big time on this one - this existence shouldn't have happened. Ofcourse I'm misunderstood, who the fuck does this to himself?!! Why do i keep on living? I never got my turn to be angry, be upset or say no, I never got my turn to live. I allow everyone to do whatever they want, but i don't allow myself that because i still don't accept myself. I deny myself so many things- I deny myself the love I give to others even if it ends up hurting me. Nothing works anymore, I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I have got no right to take my place in the human race. ( thanks for those lyrics PM) *a cry later* My main instinct is hide or shrink in size, somehow be non existent, occupy less space. I don't deserve to exist, I only deserve to suffer. I never lived, i don't even know what being alive really means. I spent more of my life thinking about death rather than life, no surprise I have no clue how to live. All I ever wrote is such bullshit oh my god, this too. Why isn't anything true, there must be something!!!I Why can't I keep anything? *another cry later* At the same time I know this is what I'm here to do - I don't know why, but it's what feels most real. It frightens me how much i love, but I can't love openly. I know if I let that love out in the open I'll risk rejection, being hurt and disappointed and I can't do it. I don't want anyone to suffer the way I am. I always reject everyone before they reject me and leave them before they leave me. *cry cry cry* I'm so jealous!!! It's like they all fall for the shiny objects and easily amuse themselves with lies and I can't. Why can't I do it? I can't imagine anything worse than this. I was so wrong about enlightenment, not a lot of people are ready for this. Hey everyone look at me and my truth seeking!!! I'm so amazing for caring about truth. And now look where it's gotten me: back to that night when i nearly killed myself. I've just gone insane. That must be it. Lock me up nurse Ratched!! I knew I'd die young because there is no way that anyone could endure this much pain for more than 20 years. Tomorrow I'll go to uni and play my role as the awkward yet witty weirdo, come home, lay in fetus position and sob. My life looks great, but in reality I'm a college student by day and Rust Cohle by night. I really can't kill myself because I can't let go off that potential, that love. And there we have it - the perfect illustration of what happens when the mind can't turn against anyone anymore but itself. It's also a lousy camouflage potraying itself as truth by using 'always' and 'never'. I also tried to create my old identity - fangirling over rock bands, being depressed all the time, behaving like a 14 year old. What I didn't realize is the extent to which depression became an identity. In a real masochistic sense I loved the pain because I identifed with it so much. It's silly how unreal all of that was. I isolated myself on purpose so I can be depressed about it LOL what?? I was also reading Nausea, hence the disgust for things. Also Jed McKenna. Hence the disgust for people. I threw a little of Thomas Liggoti in there ofcourse because it's common sense to be reading how human race shouldn't exist when you're in the midst of the worst period in your life. You know it's bad if your main objective in life is to survive the next 24 hours. A majority of these thoughts and feelings can easily be explained through the plain fact of isolation, the purging process that was taking place and well, killing the part that wanted to kill itself. After having gone through this, the life as i knew it never came back. It's ironic how grateful I am for what seemed to be the worst ordeal known to man, but really- what a beautiful rejuvenation and a magnificent opportunity to hit rock bottom, to behold the depth of human experience and FINALLY be what I am. No, I longer sob in fetus position and I don't ask why I had to go through it. I know I had to. I guess the point is this - there is reason why you're going through whatever you're going through - let it happen and you'll look back and thank yourself for being so strong. If you'd told me this back then I'd probably flip you off and gone back to my self pity marathon. End credits: Dead Man theme (fuuck why doesn't it have lyrics though) but it goes like this *acoustic guitar* *electric guitar* damn it, just imagine Johnny Depp floating in a canoe with Neil Young playing in the background! Written by Danielle Suffering by Danielle Pretentiousness by Danielle Trying to make myself laugh but really cringing by Danielle.
  13. LWAM, Season 1, episode 4 Disclaimer: the following story is a result of phenomena called purging on steroids. Symptoms include: shrieking, violent shaking, shifts of energy in the body and the sweet relief that comes after it. This is a full ( it's looong) version of Danielle's story. My first memories of being alive were connected to hatred and violence. My parents fought a lot and their fights weren't one of those minor quarrels that married people have, they fought with the intent to kill one another. I had this vivid image of my brother crying because of them for years playing in my head. I found peace in church of all places. Looking back, I had these weird experiences where I didn't know who I was and something about those moments intrigued me and I kept going there. I went there so often that everyone thought I'd become a nun. I spent most of my days playing on the street or in the mud. All my friends were boys and that effected my self image as a girl later on. My parents would buy me dolls and I'd tear them up beyond recognition. I might have looked like a girl, but inside I was a dude. Then middle school came. I could easily understand all my classmates, but very few understood me. Then that got me questioning: Why don't they get me? Maybe there's something wrong with me. It's like there's constant disconnect between me and most people. I began asking existential questions very early on, wondering about the nature of existence and myself and yet, nobody seemed interested in it.I couldn't understand why things seemed so crazy and everyone considered it to be normal. Why do they keep repeating actions that don't work? Am I really suppose to believe that this is normal? Everything they found meaningful, I found stupid and vice versa. The 'odd one out' narrative resulted in repression – I shouldn't think what I'm thinking, feel what I'm feeling and be so weird. My father was very emotionally abusive and my mother did the opposite – she killed me with love. My sister got married when I was 12 and I saw it as betrayal – she was my protector and i felt like she left me all alone to parent my parents. What was even worse, I saw her get into a shitty dysfunctional marriage like the one our parents had. Throughout all these years I felt like I knew too much, felt too much, was unworthy of love and not good enough to live. The belief in abnormality increased when i got deep into pubrety and realized I was attracted to girls as much as I liked boys. You can imagine how quickly my faith eradicated. From there, further repression and denial, hiding away of who I was from everyone while simultaneously soaking up people's emotions like a sponge and blaming myself for all of it. I was in so much pain all the time – I thought I deserved to suffer. I couldn't relate to my peers - felt too mature. It was like a cruel joke – i was born in the wrong family with reversed roles, in the wrong country whose medieval ideologies I could never buy, with a clearly abnormal personality which no one will ever understand. It always felt like I was backwards. I could have talked to my best friend, but he was so deep into gays are not okay paradigm, I didn't dare to talk to him about it until years later. At this point, I'm 14 and I just find out I'm bisexual, I lost all faith, I feel lonely and misunderstood and the pain is never ending. That was the first time I thought about suicide. It seemed like the most rational thing to do – I don't belong anywhere, I can't trust people and I'm uncapable of living, and the key thing - I can't fix everyone and everything, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything besides feel their pain. Somehow I got through that year and found people who were like me in high school. Still, there was always this tendency to self destruct - to find a way to prevent what I want from happening. My logic was, I failed at being normal so I might as well try to succeed at being a misfit. I became a hardcore atheist and a social warrior, spending my time getting high, smoking and drinking. 2 edgy 4 u. How do you like that, mom and dad? When that failed, I tried couple of identities for size- the punk one, the nihilist one, the misanthrope one, the commie, the emo, the stoner, the liberal, the clown. Needless to say, none of them worked. And here comes the turn. After I've broken off a toxic relationship and went through that horrific healing period that only teenage heartbreak can bring about, hating people more than ever, I got tired of feeling so hopeless and I got into Buddhist philosophy. Still, reading about peace and compassion for mankind felt a bit dry until I stumbled upon the big E word, the promise land – to die without dropping the body – the thing I wanted to do for years. The quest began, or so I thought. My grandfather died and for the first time ever, I realized the significance of this work, it wasn't about being blissed out , it was about death. All those years of on and off depression was only a preparation for this death. Meditation brought back that peace I felt at church and I began to open up again. My personaliy is pretty much all or nothing, so when I heard about E, I got obsessed. I tried to create a new identity out of it so I can have all the peace and love without having to face my shit, but couldn't do it. It was too late - ups, the Pandora's box has been opened. For every release, dark night followed, up and down, from bliss to depression, from confusion to clearity. until I hit that breaking point. That breaking point build up over the years. And just when I thought that the pain couldn't get more unbearable, it got even worse and worse. I woke up one day, rather recently, realizing I'm going to die as a 19 year old and all of the things I i thought were true held no reality whatsoever. All I ever did was renew my story every step of the way, new layer of delusion, new ways to resist and to suffer. And that trauma and extreme suffering I endured for years was a perfect way to get me to surrender. To say: you know what? I can't do this anymore. I give up. I surrender. If I need to go through a this pain for another 10 lifetimes, I'll do it. I won't try to escape. From then on, it's like someone took off this enourmous baggage of my shoulders and dissolved the suffering. My body has been going crazy these last few weeks and that's when this trauma came to the surface. I was in a way protecting myself from those memories and feelings that were deeply burried for years and now they are free to come because I have no resistance. Most importantly, it's not only on a mind level, but on a body level. My family came to visit me the other day and the the first thing I noticed was the lack of tension in my body- it's amazing how I used to tremble when my father would touch me and now I feel open and welcoming. There's no need to protect anything anymore. Just a couple of months ago I wouldn't have even allowed myself to think about these things and now I fully accept them. If you're still reading this, good for you! Sorry I didn't make a dramatic coming out video like everyone else, guess i'm simply old- fashioned. End credits: And when darkness comes let it inside you. Directed by Bigger, Longer & Uncut.
  14. LWAM Season 1, episode 3 I willingly exited reality. Now what? What the hell is this? Old reality vanished along with anything familiar. I feel like something launched me into the unknown. If I got abducated by aliens it'd be less radical than this. The driving force of my life is gone - the self. To use Adya's analogy, it's like picking up a dead cat and expecting it to walk. I can't even imagine how long it'll take me to learn how to function in this 'state'. I only know how to operate in the dream and old ways do not work here. I'm nearly waiting for the honeymoon period to settle down and to be stopped by the nondual police with a sign: Not so fast young lady. To get to you a taste of the unknown, this is what fell away: No subject- object relationship No perceptions/ perceiver. No other people. No other period. No space/ physical reality/ boundaries. No time. I feel stuck in the present moment, I can entertain ideas about the past and the future, but they are disregarded as being fictional. My memories appear like quick flashes that have no substance and are ultimately dissmissed as unreal. When I'm talking about my past experiences, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. No beliefs/ positions - I come empty - handed, I have no passion nor will to have a stance on things and believe it's valid and convince others it's true. No highs and lows. It's all the same thing. I'm actually starting to look at sadness with nostalgia. No empathy. This one mindfucked me because I used to consider myself an empath, but that had to go along with everything else I identified myself as. People's suffering doesn't effect me the way it did before, I can't see it as wrong or sad. It is what it is. It just looks delusional. I used to do good things for others because I had that label, but now I'm doing more "good" than ever and this time it's completely spontaneous. No morality. Since I can't draw the distinction between good and evil, it's all acceptable. Murder, rape, pedophilia, getting rick rolled, anything you think of as obscene and evil is the same as anything good. That distinction is imaginary. No meaning. Not only life's meaningless, but the idea of meaning is absurd!!! Only humans can come up with such a ridiculous notion. Meaning is merely a part of the package that comes with the other countless delusions. No suffering. You cannot suffer without a story, it's impossible. Give it your best shot! No ownership. Not over body, not over what you call mind, not over people. Nothing is yours. No life/ no death. There is an illusion of things being created and destroyed, people being born and dying, but in actuality all that ever is nothingness; for eternity. Here's what arose: Detachment- from people, things, values, beliefs, everything. It arose from the no ownership. Songs, movies, people, values, traits I thought of as being mine or 'me' stopped being me and from there a huge level of detachment came. Openness/being expressive - because the editing process is gone, I've been spitting out truth at everyone and much to my surprise, people like it (so far ). People are drawn to authenticity like flies to scheisse. Humility. I permanently got rid off the idea I got this life handled and know things. Acceptance. Everything is welcomed with open arms. Unconditional love for whatever arises. Automatic surrender. I used to practice surrender, now it comes naturally. I know on a very deep level that things can't be otherwise, so I don't see the point of resisting anything. Feeling of wholeness. Pretty indescribable - even though existence is empty, it's so FULL of life. I finally know who I am and I'll never mistake myself for the character I'm playing, but I just started. I may be done with the whole exhaustive spiritual seeking, but now have even more work to do. Closing credits: Void, void, void I'm looking for a good time. Directed by God, the only prankster in existence.
  15. LWAM Season 1, episode 2. Danielle's a child again. Reality has that freshness, that rawness to it. Everything is so fascinating and worth my attention. Anywhere I go is a place to be. I don't know what will happen next and I don't have a preferable outcome. What an amazing thing - to be in this form, having all these experiences. How freeing it is to accept everyone as they are, to see people as they actually are, without labeling and judging. How life-changing it is to be vulnerable again, to give, give and give, nevermind it's all a dream, fuck, I just love too much. I can't help but love everyone. I wanna hug random people on the street and say something like: It's alright buddy, you're just a story, your whole life is an illusion, I am you and I love you, okay? Okay, peace out. No, no, wait. Get back here! I want to listen to your well-rehearsed story. People think everything's very self evident. This is the regular, plain, boooring reality and they are looking for a thrill in their imagination, but it's not where the real magic is. What they're experiencing right now is the most ingenious fantasy ever created, or should I say, not created? Phhh lol, am i rite? Up top? Anyone? No? Fine. It's funny because you always think: This can't be it. Certainly not in my life, not in this shitty situation, there will be this perfect moment when all of it makes sense, it's so clear that this is not the way it should be and so on. That's where you fall for the joke - it's precisely where it is. Right here, not where you're looking - not in the future, not after you get rid of this neurosis, not 'when you earn it', not anywhere else. There is no anywhere else. Simply surrender your life to God! I don't know, maybe I'm just becoming Matt Kahn, without the sweater vest though. Perhaps the only true words I could write right now are: thank you. Do you hear me? THANK YOU Closing credits: i'm in love, I'm alive I belong to the stars and sky Directed by True Divine Nature