Play does not need self-deception.
Playfulness increases with consciousness. Self-deception makes the mind stiff and stuck in stupid logic.
The highest intelligence is playful and poetic.
Notice that fundamentalists and ideologues are the least playful.

Most bad ideas are just group-think and conformity, so of course it is a predictable script. No actual intelligence was applied to get the idea in the first place -- it was unconscious and mechanically obtained.
Real intelligence (good ideas) requires infinite requisite variety and live consciousness, not parroting others.
Bad ideas come from mechanicalness. Good ideas come from live consciousness. Mechanicalness is easily predictable, live consciousness is unpredictable because it is truly mentally free and genuinely creative/novel.
In short, there's nothing novel about being a Nazi, it's just an unconscious script.

You are concerned about the survival of your own ego. You dont want to change.
 
This is just your ideas of what it FINNALY would become. Which is fasle.
 
No. Your identity changes to your True nature, the true Self and it cannot have anxiety, because he itself is anxiety.
 
It is not. You can have/do anything, but you do it in a non-attachment way.
 
Yes. You have no idea what it ACTUALLY is. I've been there where you are at right now. I can see you have no idea or clue what it is just have vague ideas and concepts. It's okay to be where you are and you should not feel bad about it, but you can either go deeper or just close yourself off. You choose.
 
I only feel bad I didn't started to it earlier. Everything changes, you can see so much more, the depth of perception of situations is completely different. You can read other people just by looking at how they walk and carry themselves. I don't want to go deep on explaining, but you have no idea what is possible. Imagine being on psychedelics, but being sober ALL DAY, from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep.

There are 2 kinds of worry: useless and useful worry.
Useful worry is when there is actions you can take that will change the outcome of events, like studying for an exam.
Useless worry is when there is no reasonable action you can take to change the outcome. For example, worrying about the exam on the day of the exam. This useless worrying needs to be eliminated by just stopping thinking about that topic.
Identify whether the topics you're worrying about are under your influence or not.
By stopping thinking about that subject.
Notice when you are thinking about that subject and just stop yourself.
Yes, it is helpful to reflect on your accomplishments.
But the very serious kind of confidence comes from way more experience, to the point where you don't even need to think about it any more.
For example, notice how confident you are with tying your shoelaces or with walking. You don't even doubt your ability to do these things. Because you are so experienced in them.
Your experience with girls is still very low. Which is why you are insecure about it. You have a lot of experience with exams, but a PhD is a pretty unique task so stress and doubt is expected there. Not everyone is suited to earn a PhD.

At your stage of development grinding might be the right thing, for a time.
However, eventually you'll realize that no matter how hard you grind and how many material goals you complete, you will be no more happy or satisfied than you are now. Even less satisfied because now the illusion of goals making you happy will be shattered.
If you want real progress you need to work on changing your internal relationship to reality. That's the only thing that will change your condition.
Of course if you are just looking to break free of wage slavery, hustle culture has its purpose. But once you are free of wage slavery you will still be exactly the same slave of your mind that you are today.
I've spent so many years achieving goals that today the prospect of pursuing a material goal hardly interests me. My only goal now is higher consciousness of God. But it took me 10-20 years of work to get here.