5-D - L O V E

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  1. @Razard86 I agree with you, and it all makes sense on an intellectual level, but energetically I feel off when I'm around people since I always perceive that I'm the only one "practicing" unconditional-love while everyone else is lost in delusion. And I often get attacked and ridiculed for speaking my truth... So in a way I lost faith in "others" (I know everyone is me...) I lost faith in all Egos (including "mine"). I've done my share of volunteering in the past and I've come to know that it's not for me, I get into flow states when I'm teaching someone something I'm pationate about but then again, people don't trust me or my methods... Just because of the jugement they materialize from the energy I give off. So I don't what to love, or why love, even the intuition of fully loving myself selfishly I seem I cannot carry on with. I'm lost because of (lack of) love.
  2. @Breakingthewall I've reached deep states of oneness on large doses of LSD before, and I've had deep non-dual states on meditations with and without psychedelics. I "know" enough that I feel like I can reach radical states of consciousness with the help of 5meo... of course I know that god is in control of it all, so I can't force any experience... Deep down in my ego, I feel a sort of grudge towards god/relality, I've asked so much for it to be reconciled but I don't know why it's still there... Sometimes I feel that the ego can never love god unconditionally, of course god loves the ego unconditionally... I don't want to let go of my ego fully but I still want the "power" that comes from fully losing the ego... if that makes sense, I want to manifest godly/miraculous "things" from the ego with the will of god, such are my deepest "shadow" desires, wants and (percieved) needs.
  3. @vladorion I don't believe in neither IFS or somatic experiencing, I've tried so many healing modalities that I've lost faith in all of them, including things as powerful as IFS, I don't fully get the hang of it, but from what I've learned and tried, it won't help me heal my deepest wounds. As far as single experiences go, I think that a radical state if mainted enough can do it, the only times I've felt everything reconciled at an energetic/somatic level were all on transcended states of consciousness. Radically changing my life, living the lifestyle my shadow wants to manifest can do it (I believe, intuitively) but I can't reach that state because of said wounds, it's a strange loop kind of thing that I can't seem to break to make it happen.
  4. As a person, I've been struggling with intense types of internal pain, anger, rage, self-destructive thoughts... almost all my life. I grew up with a very fragile ego due to the family and society situation I grew up in, I feel like I have been dealt a bad hand in that regard to say the least. At the same time, that same situation was the biggest catalyst for spirituality and reaching very deep states of consciousness. These states are where I feel at home, mainly non-dual or very deep flow states where everything is inter-connected, but understanding aside, I don't get transformative energetic states to stay after my trips, and I fall into my default mode which is a mess to say the least... I have "verified" non-duality more times than I can recall, I've seen and experienced Truth, I've talked with Truth... But for some reason, all the promises than fall upon me about my fully realized potential and how the whole unsiverse is gonna help me/conspire to make that a reality don't get carried on with... and I don't feel it's my fault at this point... Instead of having the dark night of soul lifted after I learn what I had to learn through it, I feel like my whole life was dark night after dark night without any sense of resolution, Has anyone in here gone through the same situation and had it resolved? I don't feel like any experience can fully heal me at this point... call it lack of faith, but I'd rather be truthful with my deepest feeling than carry a false (forced) sense of faith and confidence... Intuitively I know that full awakening (i.e 5meo becoming infinite) can deal with it, but that is full dissolution that I don't wanna carry on with right now (nor can I do it even if I wanted to), but I'd rather go with a "non-spiritual" solution (knowing that everything is spiritual...), to deal with my karma but it feels that I'm held back by my emotional baggage... What approach should I take? is there a way to radically recontextualize all of this in a direction I'm missing? Sorry for my messy posts but I always try to touch on what's the most relevant to me
  5. This will be just me describing and explaining from first-hand experience many corelated "themes" that have shaped my ego and personal story. I don't feel like I'll ever fully heal from this wound (unless some sort of miracle happens.. And I can't even fathom what form it would take), but this is valuable insight that came out of it. Human connection, the ability to relate, to bond and form valuable close relationships with people (wheter it's family, friendships or "love") as a skill is shaped very early on by our main care-givers, and this connection ability structure forms its branches by the very experiences that happen to us on a day to day basis, it is like a perfect mirror (reflection) of our environment (family, society, institutions, religion, tradition, culture...). Until we awaken to "personal sovregnity" and begin to shape our own destiny (through basic self development or deep spiritual journeys), we are swayed by whatever staus-quo exists, and our acts of rebelion and individuation only succeed to the extent of our sense of worth (the said "connection ability structure"). This in part, makes the act of relating to peple who have grown up in deeply dysfucntional families almost an unsurmountable task... Because no matter the effort we put in, it feels like somethings in reality are "set in stone", and cannot be manoeuvered around, while knowing it is not truely the case (i.e for "confident" people, stones can be moved easily... naturally) and this creates a deep systemic issue for people who have naturally grown to be unconfident, unassertive with a strong sense of worth and being. No matter the efforts I do, the approaches I do, the connections I try to form with friends... Everything feels "wrong", supericial, and love always feels unfair in the sense that I never receive the amount or depth of love I give... Without mentioning all the rejections that just happen because I don't exhube "naturalness" around women because inside I don't have any good examples of aligned masculine or feminine character traits. There is a lot of entrertwined feelings within this part of my life, it almost goes as deep as depth goes, and it is complex beyond belief... This is what haunts me, this is what had me breakthrough to unconceivable levels of thinking... It may seem like I'm overcomplicating things, or just not doing enough effort, or that I'm not having the right approach or vision to this situation, and it all may be true, but I have tried everything I thought of to no success... Everything in my life fails because of this, I self-sabotage everything I start the moment these thoughts start creeping out, therapy won't help, this goes way beyond the realm of psychology or psychotherapy, reaching ecstatic or non-dual states on psychedelics is the only thing that transcends these feelings and integrates them, but it all seem to remain... no matter how much I try to let go This is true pain, the pain that renders every other feeling null, pain that I can't transmute Pain that caused me to miss my life, barely develop a sense of self, pain that made me transparent to the world for more than half of my life, it just is.
  6. I guess we can't exclude any aspect of life and consider it as existing in a vacuum, that is mainly what systemic thinking is about, holism and integration But if we set the liberal sciences and politics aside, not saying that those are not importent or are in some way detached from any other aspect of reality... I'm just biting on what I have some sort of expertise on Trying to devellop mastery over a technical field (i.e stem..), artistic domain, or just any other type of manual work/craftsmanship will defenetly help you get to tier 2 (and even solidify your psyche in yellow afterwards) The logic behind this is simple, the more experience (practical knowledge) you attain within any field, the more you'll the reverse the donald kruger effect and realize the immensity of what we don't know, and consequently what we don't know we don't know The paradigm this leads to may be imcofrotable at first since you'll feel yourself as being more a beginner than actual beginners, if you push through with this though, you're mind is gonna start to devellop new connections, processes and meta-cognitive behaviours that will get you to a systemic/holistic approach within your chosen field You will get to the point of re-inventing the wheel in that field, not according to pre-determined rules and axioms, but by (more) holistic principles that you'll have derived, and those are gonna be the missing piece of this particular gestalt because they will with time and practice collapse the objective/subjective duality
  7. Truth > proof. At best I can provide you with a counter example about why reality being imaginary cannot be proved nor disproven. In this video, Carl Sagan demonstrates how unless a three dimensional being lifts the 2D flatlanders from flatland, they can never even conceive (let alone prove) the existence of the 3 third "up" axis. Awakening is akin to this thought experiment. Unless you do the practice to awaken to any given facet of ultimate reality, it cannot be percieved through direct experience. It can happen by serindepity for some but that's a big stretch to even consider.. Same goes with god, it cannot be proven, nor disproven, it is completely "transparent" by design (for the ego atleast), and the transparency of god is proportional to the thickness of one's ego. For a more elaborate explanation on matters that fall outside of provability watch Leo's video on the metaphysical implications of Gödel's incompleteness theorem.
  8. The fundamental flaw in descartes cogito is his hidden assumption that thought precedes being... From the ego's point of view, it can be seen as valid, "since I think I must exists" But reality is really more like "I am therefore I can think.. among many other things" For some reason, I'm imagining descartes jaw dropping after having a sunya experience... "if all thought has stopped, why is the I am still here!"
  9. I would encourage you to look into the concept of Akash, the Akashic records and Yogic lore, since many forms of hinduism understood this very concept for millenia. Also think deeply about the godhead, what does it mean, what can it point out to, and what are the implications of oneness concerning the "ego's mind" vs "universal mind".
  10. Never actually looked into the back history of the concept but I was deeply affected by it at some point (as my identifier obviously points out lol). The way I see it, the way I came "into" it, from personal experience before actually getting exposed to the concept was simply through the expansion of consciousness/psyche, thinking deeply about the implications of Einstein's general relativity since I was a teenager, and the "interwovenness" of spacetime made me be less grounded in 3D and led me into conceiving of time as a navigable space, instead of it being an arrow that was constraining me. This is the shift to 4D, it can be seen as simply as long term planning and action, or as the yogis see it, shifting into longer cycles. Now, the "shift to 5D" is similar in the sense that it's a broadning of your possibility/experience space, it's allowing multi-perspectival thought and emotion, and experiencing everything from the paradigm of everything being connected (Oneness) and that it's energy in play, the ego is wants to exprience this energy from the paradigm of being a separate entity (self) but this can shift into just the verb of experience (if that makes senses). There's a primordial (original) mind, the "godhead", and that godhead is both the experiencer and experience from a multidimensional perspective, in fact, god is having all perspectives from an infinity of dimensions... This is the possibility space of mind, and aligning with 5D is just letting one self be imbued with this "other" mind outside of the one "attached" to the body (which is illusory to begin with).
  11. @Holykael I sincerely wanna thank you for writing this post, I'm not gonna pretend that I will (or can) provide any kind of answer or solution within the next lines since I'm struggling with the integration of similar issues but maybe I can hold some space for acknowledgement of what is part of god/truth. First of all, I believe that many people (not only on this forum, but in general) either shy away from some aspects of truth (the darker ones), or are just too afraid/selfish to taste from every piece of the pie (this includes me, there were diffenetly some experiences in my life that I just passed on and said "no thank you" because I didn't see how they would serve me or the greater good). Now, some people are just "born into trouble", some of us came by default with a heavy karma, and were prone to heavier systemic issues that simply surpass the individual. To speak of my own experience, I was born in a shitty third world country with heavy dogma and heavier hypocrisy, the patriarchal side is so skewed it's just a joke, and I was raised by a single mother who had to concern all her life with the survival of her children, and on top of that, all my older brothers who had been around my father for quite sometime before he passed away just turned into shadows with no backbone, completely passive and domesticated once he died. I know this is all me, it's all a story. And I kinda knew it all along, deep inside, intuitively. So naturally, I was the exception, although I had hardly any friends, social popularity, material wealth, success with the opposite sex... I just out worked everything I know (pretty much) since I was 15, I had deep philosophical and spiritual issues solved by the time I was 22, and "I took myself" to reach the highest awakenings mimicking 5-meo by dosing to upwards of 750ug+ of acid on multiple occasions, that's without accounting for the stupid extent to which I took meditation, inquiry and deconstruction.. I'm surprised I didn't just physically vanish. I lost a "soulmate", lost pretty much everyone in my family, my friends mostly don't understand me (although they intuit by my intelligence that I must be into something...), I abandonned many dreams, lost my ego before having it accomplish any of the goals it set for itself, all this to STILL lose even on spiritual grounds at the end (lol), and I received the signs, got the channelings, had all the classical mystical experiences, gone through their integrtion... I wasn't even selfish or impure (relatively speaking to other egos) I had my wounds and traumas, but they were all pretty conscious, and I was constantly working on them. This is still just a narrative I keep entertaining for some reason, and I can see through this. I can also see that (maybe) I'm not ready (willing?) to forgive nor heal, I feel totally depleated of my humanity, and absolutely love sick. What's the answer? where can look to find it? I don't know. I know one thing, is that I'm far from the end (hopefully, if not whatever, the spirit carries on) I know I'm taking this to the very end, once I'm done, my body will drop on its own. I know for all the losses I got WAY more experienced, bolder (if anything) and I can just do way much more than I ever thought possible at the start of my journey, I just need to remove the blockages and I find a way to do it. Awakening didn't solve as many of the things I wished it would automatically do. I don't feel more loving, or more love, if anything I'm more bitter than ever. And it just got me into a situation which is more hairy, but now, I think I have clearer idea for the next god realization (and as scary as it is, because this one annihilates everything) if need be, I know I can (atleast) try and surrender to it, and maybe that would be the one! I know it's just the ebb and flow of energy. These times defenetly feel like mass psychosis, but it's nothing permanent, this (whatever god is going through) is just more potential for more realization.
  12. Another avenue of research that just came back to my mind, although I can't recommend spefic works in these categories since it's been a long since I last explored these is anything which is esoteric in nature, i.e, works on Alchemy, magick, the chakras, akashic records, wicca, clairvoyance and divination... Such works usually deal with the femenine/intuitive side of spirituality, but I would also advise not taking anything you can't directly experience for yourself too seriously, since they may become the source of much dillusion, but they still hold value if one knows where to probe and what to look for.
  13. About 2/3 years I came across a (pirated) pdf containing the complete works (5 different tomes, written in arabic) of Mansur Al-Hallaj who was imo the most realised sufi to have ever lived. There were 2 books in particular (although I can't remember which ones exactly, probably "dîwân" being one of them), that went to a depth that geniunly surprised me, it blows the quran out of the water by a large stretch, and it had many references to non duality, god, god consciousness, states of consciousness being the same from absolute perspective, the godhead, infinite beauty, truth, intelligence... Some passages in "the law of One" clearly get close to Leo's highest teachings. The gems are generally found in the broad topics and not the specific mechanics of how Ra's metaphysical reality operates (that gets quite new-agy and unpure imo). The book of Mirdad by Mikhaïl Naimy, which is very similar in both structure and content to "Thus spoke Zarathustra" would be the layman's practical philosophy/ cogntive framework for someone who wants to do the deepest personal development work without forcibly blasting himself into the absolute. Martin Ball's writing may come really close, but I haven't personally read any of his books, but hearing how he describes things, it wouldn't be much of a stretch to mention his work here. This is being said, no book or conceptual framework/ knowledge can prepare or point you to what Leo is teaching, even the most realized gurus seem to fail to grasp what enlightenment or god realization actually mean, it's ABSOLUTELY INFINITE (in every sense of the expression).
  14. Within the first 4 to 5 minutes of this video, a given (and quite popular) spiritual view is described, which is mainly the one where serving God and serving Ego are diametrically opposite, let's refer to this as the "classical Abrahamic paradigm" or CAP (for the sake of this discussion). CAP was the view held and openly preached, taught and encouraged by many saints and sages through the ages as being the way to God. Now, my personal experience (and also Leo's teaching) both seem to point to a different paradigm, having realized a long time ago that CAP is mainly over-simplistic, dogmatic, incomplete and doesn't account for the nuances of self, shadow, the interplay of duality, spiral dynamics, personal evolution... among many other things. Let's refer to this teaching as the highest teaching or HT. Now, my following questions and inquiries mainly arise from seeing my personal limitations and biases when it comes to understanding, naviguating and ultimately integrating this CAP/HT duality. I can see the pros and cons of both paradigms, mainly that CAP promotes stability, order and "healthy" ego survival while HT's main concern is The Truth. But why is it that The Truth seems to comeback to bite me in the ass (in one form or another) no matter how much deconstruction I've done of CAP and seeing it's limitations firsthand, no matter how much the integrity with which I apply myself with, it's as if I'm not allowed to go beyond CAP outside of my internal reality. In all my non dual states, I experienced one or many aspects of God, but they still came in through the channel of self/ego, so I could never see the distinction between the two. If that's the case, why can't I give myself the experiences I always promise myself in those states outside of those states? and if God is in charge all the way through and the ego is a mere illusion all the way through, then why doesn't god fullfill his promises into my experiences? Material and spiritual are one in the same in the absolute sense, and people cannot just choose to bypass one or the other as they wish it to be, nor do I think (from experience) that it's a good idea to try to force one reality over the other, burning through karma is where it's at when it comes to healing, and I see/experience it as a fundamental facet of true healing. If that's the case, why do I still feel like I need to let go of my material desires ? knowing this desire itself is neither healthy nor conductive to a good experience in the long run. Basically, all my posts in this forum (since the first day I joined) revolve around this issue (with some different flavours). I don't have problems integrating what seems to be deeper and harder truths, but this dichotomy of having an ego, seeing all its wounds, hurts, deep needs yet still failling to allow myself to manifest solutions still baffles me. I feel like on a serious trial to achievement ratio, I fall so low that I deeply feel like God hasn't granted me any grace concerning this. And I know because of that that my ego can never love God/Reality/itself... and it's all getting to an unbearable low. What makes it worse is that I know I relatively quite awake (in the Leo sense of the term) in other aspects. Yet I see myself as a loser when it comes to my human ego/existance.