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About catcat69123

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  1. @Flowerfaeiry thankz
  2. @TripleFly hmm i have thought it would be good to experience the fire for once, just to understand it you know? i don't want to play with fire because i already understand the futility of it but i would at least like the experience of being to feel angry. because the thing is the gateways i've created for myself just to feel it are the source of many of my problems if that makes sense, i want to feel anger and experience it so i can learn about it and understand it and let it go. it feels like i'm out of touch with my masculinity in many ways, although i kind of fell victim to instead of dealing with coming into touch with my shadows i instead became extremely independant thinking that would solve it but of coures nah. at my core i am really sensitive to life and i always felt very feminine and loving or something but i've come to see without the full yin and yang i'll never be able to really express the loving part of me until i've become apart of my darker parts
  3. man this is really like the raid boss for me. so basically as a 5 year old child i saw my very angry father who projected all his trash onto me and i vowed never to be angry more or less or rather the absolute opposite of him, haha yeah... this strategy did not work i have so much repressed rage that i really cannot tap into, anytime i felt threatened or in danger i immediatly suppressed it and acted like nothing bothered me, i have a really hard time understanding what to do about it, the consequence of avoiding my anger is inaction, adopting nice guy shit and also i believe my hypervigilance. the hypervigilance is because my ego just sees everything as a threat and it's just a really hard thing to unwind, it is really a burden. being a guy who never got angry i basically became a massive slippery slope, i had also rejected love from my mother because i blamed her for not doing enough as a child. so i was this person who everyone bullied and i was also so desperate to be liked by literally anyone i kind of abandoned myself just for the hope that someone will love me, this was already happening by the age of 10 or some shit any time i got close with a girl i either completely avoid them or i feel suicidal, any time i felt anger i actually feel a deep fear that i would be like my father. i put myself in a fucking rut to say the least now i've been working on stuff for a while and i know a building a new healthy relationship with anger is vital but yeah more or less it feels like very futile to try to be angry or to surface it up, i cannot even provoke it. i guess a part of me logically thinks i can maybe feel powerlessness but not anger and to instead work on feeling powerless and perhaps its a doorway into anger but man i really don't know. l people say punch a bag, scream etc but it's like im playing an act or acting. nothing happens if anyone could point me out to anything that would be cool and i can elaborate on anything or give more context if it helps
  4. @Preety_India have you went into any catharsis recently? the thing is with these traumas you had as child, it's actually really hard to get into the pain buried underneath the hollowness because there really is some deep deep raw emotions that are incredibly intense, you still really resent and blame your family. i feel like you are very disconnected from your inner child and you are experiencing a big chunk of feeling present with yourself. it's like you look around and there's a lonely silence in your experience of life or something, that's what it feels like for me. i really recommend to browse this channel, she's really good some good content on what you're experiencing. what you describe is really like how i grew up, well the most useful thing for me have been to see that how i feel right now is entirely my responability, being a victim of my family, society, conditioning and the fragmentation of my being was no ones fault, all of this pain you're carrying is your parents pain, it's societies traumas, it's really a very holistic understanding there is literally no one to blame and nothing to project onto, a constant reminder the outside world is a complete illusion and your repressed trash is finding ways to project. mdma and psychedelics have been powerful tools of insight. it's just as you keep working on yourself and trying to understand you gain insight and then you come to see things just as they are through resolving traumas you notice a subtle connection to the present moment, it takes a long time. but it's the only thing really left to do, is to surrender, express your will to go into your pain and process it despite the fear, experience catharsis, let go of it all and glue yourself to the emotion > feeling alive and more like you're really here
  5. @Nahm exactly what this guy wrote just watch the rushing is just repressed unconscious arousal trash playing itself out, basically other people are triggering thing inside of yourself that you lack awareness to understand and work on, but just fully realize they are triggering a part of you that when you're by yourself, this isn't activated. basically if you imagine everyone as a mirror, when you're alone you're comfortable because there's no mirrors to reflect what is repressed, when we come into contact with people it triggers things and we assume it's the people we often project onto the people because we lack the awareness we are doing it to ourselves. by projecting we keep the trigger persisting instead of taking responability and looking inside of yourself to understand why in certain social contexts, the way certain people look and act trigger parts of you and make you feel really aroused and uncomfortable. this is what you have to do, and shadow work is a good concept to go into to understand this if you struggle so much being yourself is because you haven't really accepted yourself yet, you get too identified with the emotions arising when you want to express yourself through your heart and not the prison in your mind only with awareness and expressing will to take action knowing the right thing to do despite your emotional state VS aversion to uncomfortable emotions surfacing from triggers that you identify with and believe it's you so you take the course of action's based on how you feel
  6. @Flowerfaeiry hey i've done TRE a few times but i haven't really had any experiences, can you explain if you had an experience after one or two times or you had to build it up after a lot of sessions? i actually really have a gut feeling this could do something for me but when i've done it, it never really gets out of the hip shaking
  7. @LeoX8 .
  8. hmm can you elaborate on the 'But this will be useless if you won't heal your wounds first because you will still continue to have fear/anger/emotional reactions out of those social interactions.'? i had thought to myself that by even, with the intense fear of vunreability and al that shit that if I can get into social interaction this is the way to heal the wounds, that perhaps if i keep doing it it won't be so intense or something, how to do it to yourself without going into more social interaction?
  9. i think if you were approaching this with the right understanding you wouldn't be still trying to stop fear. you're still expecting it to dissapear, you are impatient because you think it should have left by now with all this work you've done, but you still haven't surrendered fully to it yet just keep surrendering to it, keep doing right action
  10. @SLuxy yeah i have had realized a lot of shit, i think that's a good idea to do some work that involves people but not directly, or going to an artificial environment solely for the purpose of talking to people but like an activity with others, actually good idea did i mention i am living in a country where i don't speak the fucking language ? lol anyways, yeah, just going to slip into probably what is comfortable but not too comfortable, i guess my impatience is playing up here for change but yeah i think i can start small, probably stick to online groups till i can find some english speakers thanks guys
  11. @Roy yeah i have been away from group social interactions for a long time, so basically i would say my default perception of people is highly based on that period of time in which i was bullied hard and being sidelined for years, my own family kind of rejecting me and so on so basically it's a very hypervigilant awareness that is really hard to calm down, i can never really enjoy or get into a group when i look like a schizo maniac so yeah, i can reframe other people in my mind it's just i wonder if going into a group with less awareness of judgments and more likely to project will it futher traumatize the ego? because essentially what i have been doing is working as much on myself as possible but i feel i'm closing in on a point i need to come back into the world and feel present with others but yeah, i'm a bit anxious about well if i just get rejected again will it be endless negativity all over again or what is it i need to do to calm down this messed up kid inside me
  12. a big blockade for me is reintegrating into a group of people, a community, family or whatever you wanna call it. when i say reintergrating i mean i carry a heavy kind of complex trauma of slowly being ostracized from when i was a teenager until i chose to leave my family and town behind and move to a new country when i was 21. still, this wound cuts very deep, it seems i have to find a group or community to be comfortable with expressing myself exactly as i want otherwise i don't think i can clean this particular dirt off my lenses. the image that i got caught up has a the core of building my personality around behaving in a way that people will be attracted to me and avoid being bullied anymore and not really expressing what i want, and repressing all the right ways of living i want to be aligned with yet i am turmoil of how to find a community. it's really difficult to find a community that would not judged me, since i basically isolated myself for the past 10 years i am really incompetent with people and get trapped in the knee jerk social reactions and often mess up myself even more, it's a kind of heavy self-judgment that even watched from a point of not being identified with it its like you're at the receiving end of heavy negative emotions, what is a good way to find a group of people could help soothe the patterns of avoidance anxiety and fear that is engrained into me? i can't really find what i'm looking for, perhaps it's too fantasy like and perfect but i really do think i could comeby people in similiar positions to me, who just don't give a fuck as long as we are all understanding judging eachother is pointless
  13. @Khr this is a holistic reply because i think you need to really get it for this shame to be understood properly. i think you need to fundamentally understand who you on an existential level, you might be aware of it intellectually, but still not realized to a point you need to get at because for this hurt to be fully resolved, you're way too caught up in avoiding the shame, that's where the anxiety is surfacing from and why it feels very traumatic, because it keeps triggering over and over. the trauma is being held by the clinging of the identity and the aversion of this shame. the shame is being carried by the person who's hurt, is that you? you're too identified with it, you have an image of yourself who feels ashamed for being judged by others for being not what it thinks it is. if you stop identifying with the anxiety when it arises and just fully accept it as all other phenomena, it will definitely lose its spark over time I think. Find some talk therapy with someone like a therapist could really surface the shame itself as you express what happened to you with a person because it will sit within you for as long as you identify with the impulses to avoid it. the classic what resists persists.
  14. the feeling of powerlessness is terrifying, like physically. if we sit here and think about what that means most of us can't relate consciously because the feeling itself is very very traumatizing it usually gets suppressed at the very moment it surfaces, so i would just say you need to keep working on going back to the event until there's no 'charge' behind the trauma and process it more and more when you can get into those safe places with a therapist or whoever and also start reframing why it is you felt powerless and unable to deal with the situation yourself because i can see in your inability to accept what happened you are dealing with some shame that you couldn't handle this situation yourself because you froze up. i think this shame is the key to letting go. was this the first time something traumatic happened and you were completely powerless?