Oppositionless

@Sincerity Doing a lot of spiritual practices has started to reveal my true inner voice. I heard it before but there was also a lot of conditioning. It was 80% conditioning and 20% my real inner voice. Now the ratios are improving, steadily, with daily meditation and yoga.

My longest relationship was two months. ROCD is the reason I walked away from it (I didn't know I had it, I thought God was telling me to end the relationship). And the next two and a half years were basically ruined because of the horrible depression that followed. I hate OCD but especially ROCD with the burning passion of a million suns. I would cut off my left hand to go back and not ruin that relationship.

I feel like I'm talented at consciousness work but I suck at manifestation . And I hear contradictory things about it, one person will say you manifest you need a burning desire, another will say you need to not care. I just want to make money doing things that support my spiritual journey. Ideally a remote job that supports my spirituality, so I can travel more.

This is somewhat tangential but I've been going to these spiritual discussion groups and I notice that if I don't say my piece in exactly the right way it becomes very tempting to waste time trying to mentally correct it while other people are sharing. Actually its not just at groups (but it's more emphasized), it's in all conversations. I'm constantly trying to correct myself when I should be listening, and I'll think if I don't say it just right people will be pissed off at me, and I'll interpret their response as they're pissed at me.

I interpret attraction from a woman as an attack. I don't know why.

IMO masturbation isn't *truly* sexually satisfying yourself, because you're still having sex with an external source, ie your mind / imagination. To sexually satisfy yourself means to raise kundalini and transmute sexual energy into spiritual bliss.

I was doing my practice today and started crying because I'm thinking about the woman I met. I'm once again in the ocd nightmare position of negotiating a potential romantic scenario and I'm so sick of it. Why can't I just meet someone and instantly I know they're the one and it's so obvious and simple? I said to God "I don't want a girlfriend right now , I just want You!" But maybe that's spiritual bypassing 😢

You won't necessarily get the message from one or two trips . I could take a dozen. Myself I had spiritual aspirations , I wanted to be enlightened, but it wasn't until the 5 meo dmt that my body seemed to want to do spiritual practices. Now I don't feel I need psychedelics but I can't say it didn't have a huge effect. Before I didn't meditate at all, now I mediate every day.

Maybe it's because it's now been a full month since my last 5 meo dmt session, or maybe because my nadis are cleaner now, but kriya seems more sustainable than it did for the first two months. I feel I can gently re-integrate it into my practice routine without overwhelm :)). *update 3 hrs later: Okay after the kriya session tonight I think I'm getting an idea of what might be going on. The first two months of my practice got very existential , ego dissolving. Now it's going in the direction of shadow work. I'm looking at my deep sadness and anxiety with different eyes and with that comes... well a lot of sadness and anxiety , but also freedom. One of my biggest fears is never finding a soul mate . But I'm not sure whether that's a genuine fear or society telling me I need to find the perfect partner. It's not really about it being attractive, recently I've verified as such, it's more about not finding the "perfect" person. Sigh, if I wasn't a good person dating would be easy . I'd just date someone and not care whether I was a good partner.

Grok : (this is very interesting! Much more "street cred" than new age breatharin gurus): " 1. Samyama on the Throat Chakra (Kaṇṭha-kūpa / Vishuddha) • Classical claim (Yoga Sutra 3.30): Prolonged samyama (dharana + dhyana + samadhi) on the throat pit can lead to cessation of hunger/thirst. • How it’s tied to breatharianism: New-age interpreters link it to kechari mudra + amṛta (nectar) flow from the bindu/soma chakra — supposedly nourishing the body internally so food becomes unnecessary. • Reality in traditional yoga: • This siddhi is extremely rare and considered a side-effect (upasarga) of advanced samadhi, not a practice to force. • Patanjali warns siddhis distract from liberation (3.37). • No historical or modern verified yogi lives indefinitely without food solely from this. • How to practice safely (if you want to explore for other benefits): • Sit comfortably → focus on throat pit (base of neck, blue light visualization). • Chant bija mantra HAM (hum) mentally on breath (inhale Ha, exhale Mmm with throat vibration). • 5–10 min/day, no forcing. • Benefits: clearer voice, confidence, reduced self-censorship — not food elimination. • Safety: Completely safe when gentle. No fasting required. Do not use this to justify stopping food — that is misuse and dangerous."

Sounds like it's just not talking about not wanting to fully awaken. Doesn't seem like it has much to do with psychedelics , unless the "non awakening" awakening psychedelics produce is particularly seductive. But the idea that you will permanently be unable to awaken if you momentarily succumb to an imitation of it is pure fear mongering, in my opinion. When I trip it's with the intention of lasting change , the momentary glimpse is secondary. I spent several years experiencing this so called luciferian imitation of awakening, via cannabis, but that had no impact whatsoever on my ability to experience real awakening via 5 meo and later kriya yoga . There's a lot of paranoia among spiritual people. "Conspirituality" is a term for it. It's a trap. Psychedelics increase full brain communication and decrease activity in the default mode network. That's it. The spiritual mind loves elaborate spiritual stories . But it's bullshit, realize you're God, that's spirituality. *** okay maybe that's not all psychedelics do. But as a counterpoint to new age paranoia I said that.

I was very naive as a young spiritual seeker. When I was 18 I ended up in a discord cult with no real spiritual practice, just lots of super powerful placebo transmissions. A year later I did some hardcore , probably dangerous, fasting in an attempt to become a breatharian (new age speak for one of the siddhis described in the yoga sutras). I do think such distractions served a point. The point being it's really hard to say I would have benefited from real consciousness work at such a young age... it certainly wouldn't have prevented the suffering I was destined for in my early 20s . Thankfully nothing too serious happened... I could have joined a "real" cult or fucked my body up. That's good. Actually Dr K explained how transmissions (or diksha, initiation) works. You really only get it once, your guru blesses you , and that helps kickstart your process but it doesn't do the work for you, and you also don't need like 3 of them a day to make more progress. I think consistent spiritual practice *might* make the body more efficient and therefore less food is needed. But I don't think fasting an arbitrary number of days has any effect. Would not reccomend dry fasting at all.

@Davino @Carl-Richard As of today I'm gonna see how it feels to take citrate (as part of my electrolyte powder) in my water in the morning, and glycinate tablets at night.

Habits I want to develop : Playing 30 minutes of piano or keyboard every morning Smoking cannabis only a couple times a week Spending more time alone habits I'm proud I have : meditaing every morning . Or night if I have to be up early . walking every day. habits I want to break; judging myself .

Won't be able to get my federally legal thca flower in November if this stupid law goes into effect as is 😡.