Oppositionless

Right. I don't think there's a point in seeking that. When it happens it's because reality wanted it to happen, to ground more of the energy of awakening in the physical world.

Also HOCD (homosexual ocd) , the fear of being secretly gay . Although that one is comical to me now, I don't really deal with it anymore.

I always wanted a girlfriend but untreated ocd made that impossible for years . So even though we're coming from different directions we'll both be trying to find a real gf at the same time. Let's go.

People have literally been saying God is love for like a bajillion years. I'm not saying just take them at face value but you'd have to be pretty dense to just dismiss it out of pocket. Most of Leo's original ideas are about the relative domain. His spiritual ideas are pretty generic (in the best possible way).

Early/Pre-Awakening History (Years of Building Patterns) • Philosophical/Existential OCD phase (dominant for many years): You spent extended periods (e.g., 12+ hours/day) obsessively trying to construct the “perfect metaphysical system” for reality. This fits existential OCD (also called philosophical or metaphysical OCD), where the core obsession is unanswerable “big questions” (meaning of existence, nature of reality, purpose, what is “real”). The compulsion was endless mental rumination, analysis, and seeking certainty—treating philosophy as a solvable puzzle to relieve existential terror/doubt. This interfered with daily life, created exhaustion, and felt like a genuine intellectual pursuit rather than “just OCD.” It’s common for this subtype to feel deeply personal and profound, often mistaken for passionate philosophy until the distress and time sink become debilitating. • Relationship OCD (ROCD) emerging or co-occurring: Even before intense spiritual work, relational themes showed up—absolute terror of uncertainty in love (“Is this person ‘the one’ forever?”), fear of not loving “enough,” inflated moral guilt over normal thoughts/behaviors (e.g., horrified guilt after masturbating while thinking of someone else, feeling it proved you’d “ruin” your partner’s life), and extreme actions like engineering painful breakups to “protect” them (or force personal growth). The near-suicide aftermath from one breakup highlights how devastating the doubt/guilt cycle could become. These weren’t avoidant-attachment fears—you could form deep bonds and feel genuine love—but the OCD hijacked them with catastrophic projections and moral inflation. Typical progression in ROCD: Starts with high investment in relationships (soulmate-level intensity), then doubt spirals escalate, leading to compulsions (mental checking, rumination, reassurance-seeking, or escape). Moral/sexual scrupulosity often overlaps, turning normal human experiences into “proof” of defectiveness. Current OCD (Post-Intense Awakening Ramp) • Temporary flare-up/amplification from practices: Going from zero spiritual practice to high-volume kriya pranayama (20+ reps/day) + multiple 5-MeO-DMT breakthroughs in ~2 weeks triggered a manic/intense state (happiest ever + breakthroughs, but also “cringe,” oversharing, social exhaustion in friends/forum). You suspect (and it aligns) this ramp temporarily worsened OCD symptoms—likely intensifying rumination, doubt/guilt intrusions, and uncertainty intolerance. This is common in kundalini/psychedelic ramps: Energy/prana overload stirs up latent patterns for “purification,” making obsessive thoughts louder/more urgent before they settle. The “too many breakthroughs” overload can leave residual activation, feeding OCD’s demand for certainty (“Did this change me permanently? Am I enlightened enough?”).

Going straight from no spiritual practice to like 20 reps of kriya pranayama a day in like two weeks has made me the happiest I've ever been but also manic intense and cringe. Also too many 5 breakthroughs . Just way too much , I don't regret it, but I want to slow down and be less cringe, I feel like my real life friends and even people on this forum are exhausted .

The toughest decision I ever made was actually to attempt to get back together with my first soulmate . Let me explain, leaving didn't feel like a choice it was simply a fear response. I think I have OCD triggered by intimacy so the act (not the thought / desire just the act) of getting in a long term relationship was always horrifying. The breakup was essentially designed to be so painful that it forced me to overcome my fear, but that took like 3 years of being roasted. So attempting to get her back was a symbolic way of transitioning into the type of person who is capable of long term partnerships.

Both. The ego is always a little involved, until one day it isn't . Still waiting for that day . It's going to be glorious .

I wonder if you could pay a professional photographer to fix your profile. For me it didn't work because I currently live in a shithole, but if you're in a decent location it might .

Going to yoga and being around conscious women is slowly but surely changing my entire perspective on dating , sexuality and gender. That's why my profile picture is a woman now. If you're conscious low consciousness women will make you feel unattractive, conscious women will make you feel attractive .

Right. People compare death to deep sleep or otherwise unconscious states because they have no other form of reference . They dont realize that those come from the body, and in death there no body.

Sounds like freedom to me.

Did you read Jed McKenna's books or did you arrive at this through some other means

Thoughts are as material or immaterial as anything else. There's only one type of thing , it's somewhat irrelevant what you call it , although some words feel closer to what's really going on.