smiling at strangers

[bebotalk]

I'm not Danish, but in my countnry we have a similar vibe. 

 

https://www.quora.com/Why-dont-Danes-smile-at-strangers-on-the-street-or-smile-back-when-they-are-smiled-at-first#:~:text=Originally Answered%3A Why don't,or chat-up strangers unnecessarily.

 

I found this by accident and I resonated with it.

The concept seems cringe, imho. 

It's weird to just go into a public place and then smile at people. People one doesn't know. I'm not responsible for their happiness, nor they are for mine. And if people aren't bothering others, then they should be left alone. It's bordering on clinical paranoia if a person needs strangers to act warmly to feel safe. I guess it's just upbringing and culture, and I see where many of the Danish people commenting were coming from. I was always taught to respect strangers as being human, which means not harming them or fucking them over. I don't know them, so the extent of charity I can expect from them compared to acquaintances, friends or family is limited. If a stranger fell on the pavement and cut themselves, I'd call an ambulance for them if they were badly hurt. But I wouldn't invite them to my home, or even help clean them up if they were a family member or friend. 

I'm not knocking America, but the idea one must beam at strangers on a train, bus, plane, or shopping mall, seems very Waltons-esque, odd, and illogical. 

I wonder how common my view is, or not. 

 

[Lila9]

This is boils down to the cultural norms you grew up in. 

I grew in a country in which it's normal to smile to each other, talk to strangers anywhere, invite them to your home and offer help and receive help, this of course comes with the downsides of people wanting to be too involved in your life, being more direct with you and having less respect to personal bounderies, tribe mentality, obsession with togetherness and the demonization/fear of loneliness which can be toxic and destructive as some amount of loneliness is healthy and is a human need as much as togetherness, it's all a matter of balance.

When I visited Eastern Europe a couple of years ago I had a slight cultural shock because of the strong bounderies people put with strangers which was perceived for me as coldness, apathy, indifference, on the emotional level, despite people there being very kind and warm once they know you/trust you.

I noticed that in those places smiling to strangers is precieved as weakness and even as a sign of stupidity, foolishness, immaturity, manipulation.

Exposure of positive emotions in public, seen as weakness and a negative thing.

3 hours ago, bebotalk said:

It's weird to just go into a public place and then smile at people. People one doesn't know. I'm not responsible for their happiness, nor they are for mine.

That's true, but on the other hand, you do responsible for others well being and others are responsible to your well being to some extent. 

Because we as humans influence each other and depend on each other, that's how we have survived until now, the idea that we are completely separate from every person is illusory. Sometimes smiling to a stranger can be a matter of life and death to this stranger (or to yourself, if you need help).

I don't think that people should smile to any stranger, we don't know who the stranger could be, every stranger is a potential pederator. But I also don't think that there is something wrong with smiling to strangers if the situation is appropriate.

There are mental health benefits for smiling, either giving or receiving it.

It's easier, mentally and emotionally, to be in an environment in which people don't do issue of smiling and do it more often rather than people who rarely smile. It's more mentally and emotionally healthy to grow up with parents who smile more often, rather than parents who do it rarely, same with friends, romantic relationships, neighbors, your doctor, any authority in your life, given it's a geniune form of smile and not fake/manipulative.

Of course a smile needs to be perceived as genuine to have a good effect, fake smiles and toxic positivity may do worse.

 

Edited February 4 by Lila9

[Schizophonia]

I do it all the time, and since I'm still quite handsome, women like it 

(I'm not an erotomaniac)

[bebotalk]

20 hours ago, Lila9 said:

This is boils down to the cultural norms you grew up in. 

I grew in a country in which it's normal to smile to each other, talk to strangers anywhere, invite them to your home and offer help and receive help, this of course comes with the downsides of people wanting to be too involved in your life, being more direct with you and having less respect to personal bounderies, tribe mentality, obsession with togetherness and the demonization/fear of loneliness which can be toxic and destructive as some amount of loneliness is healthy and is a human need as much as togetherness, it's all a matter of balance.

When I visited Eastern Europe a couple of years ago I had a slight cultural shock because of the strong bounderies people put with strangers which was perceived for me as coldness, apathy, indifference, on the emotional level, despite people there being very kind and warm once they know you/trust you.

I noticed that in those places smiling to strangers is precieved as weakness and even as a sign of stupidity, foolishness, immaturity, manipulation.

Exposure of positive emotions in public, seen as weakness and a negative thing.

That's true, but on the other hand, you do responsible for others well being and others are responsible to your well being to some extent. 

Because we as humans influence each other and depend on each other, that's how we have survived until now, the idea that we are completely separate from every person is illusory. Sometimes smiling to a stranger can be a matter of life and death to this stranger (or to yourself, if you need help).

I don't think that people should smile to any stranger, we don't know who the stranger could be, every stranger is a potential pederator. But I also don't think that there is something wrong with smiling to strangers if the situation is appropriate.

There are mental health benefits for smiling, either giving or receiving it.

It's easier, mentally and emotionally, to be in an environment in which people don't do issue of smiling and do it more often rather than people who rarely smile. It's more mentally and emotionally healthy to grow up with parents who smile more often, rather than parents who do it rarely, same with friends, romantic relationships, neighbors, your doctor, any authority in your life, given it's a geniune form of smile and not fake/manipulative.

Of course a smile needs to be perceived as genuine to have a good effect, fake smiles and toxic positivity may do worse.

 

Yes, no man is an island. However, there are still boundaries in human contact. 

You're right, it is a cultural thing. I still see it as odd and illogical, and an unnecessary imposition. 

I've never wanted random people to big me up. You and I just disagree. I also distrust people who say this, since I note it's selectively applied. a rule on basic humanity shouldn't be selective by definition. Punching people isn't and shouldn't be selective. 

We can agree to disagree. 

Edited February 5 by bebotalk

[gettoefl]

to say i love you, is of course a lie ... i am clueless what love really is ... i just want stuff from you and in return i may give stuff back truth told

to think i love you, without utterance of words, is the highest truth, since i have thereby committed to make joined what was seemingly split

how or indeed whether you smile reveals where you are at with this principle

smiling is the deepest superpower, the subtlest intercourse, the wordless embracement, the sincere heart's purity

Edited February 4 by gettoefl

[universe]

It's not weird to smile when you feel happy.

Are you happy?

[Yimpa]

 

 

[Rigel]

Your view is probably not that uncommon cause a lot of people aren't happy. Happy people smile because they feel like it and for no other reason. It's very simple. Don't overcomplicate things. Sure some people will fake a smile to try and manipulate you but their vibe stinks a mile away. They're very easy to spot and avoid.

17 hours ago, bebotalk said:

I'm not responsible for their happiness, nor they are for mine.

That is technically true but it puts you in the wrong frame of mind. It depends on what emotion you associate with that statement.

Be happy & radiate that happiness out with no expectation of it being reciprocal. That is the high level attitude. You are not trying to get happiness back in return when you smile out of genuine happiness because you already have it!

Of course that implies you must know how to make yourself happy in the first place.

[bebotalk]

12 hours ago, universe said:

It's not weird to smile when you feel happy.

Are you happy?

People who claim to be wise and utter manipulative phrases to mess people over make me unhappy. 

Very "wise" looool.

[bebotalk]

6 hours ago, Rigel said:

Your view is probably not that uncommon cause a lot of people aren't happy. Happy people smile because they feel like it and for no other reason. It's very simple. Don't overcomplicate things. Sure some people will fake a smile to try and manipulate you but their vibe stinks a mile away. They're very easy to spot and avoid.

That is technically true but it puts you in the wrong frame of mind. It depends on what emotion you associate with that statement.

Be happy & radiate that happiness out with no expectation of it being reciprocal. That is the high level attitude. You are not trying to get happiness back in return when you smile out of genuine happiness because you already have it!

Of course that implies you must know how to make yourself happy in the first place.

that doesn't make sense to me. I'm not a spiritual person, and it doesn't make me "bad" for not having a guru-led worldview. Many don't. In public, I'm out to do my own thing and not bother others. I can't help my cultural upbrinigng or personality. There is and should be room for various personal expressions. Unless the common norm in this regard is a lie. If others wish to lie, that's fine. I won't partake. 

Edited February 5 by bebotalk

[Consept]

I've experienced a couple of perspectives to this. One is growing up in South London, UK where you would never smile at a stranger and there was a defensive environment as people who were 'nice' to you could try and rob you. In this environment, in general I wasn't happy so it never occurred to me to smile at anyone. 

Moving to a smaller town as an adult, some people, not everyone, would smile or greet me in shops or even on the street. I believe people in smaller towns don't have to have their guard up and so are free to express happiness, this seemed strange to me when I first moved. After while, I got into that frame and didn't feel I'm danger, so now I may smile or even get into small convos with random people. I don't go out of my way to do it but if I'm in the right mood or state I find it quite a loving thing to do, to acknowledge someone else's existence. But I also understand why someone might not feel to do it. 

 

[mmKay]

[bebotalk]

9 hours ago, Consept said:

I've experienced a couple of perspectives to this. One is growing up in South London, UK where you would never smile at a stranger and there was a defensive environment as people who were 'nice' to you could try and rob you. In this environment, in general I wasn't happy so it never occurred to me to smile at anyone. 

Moving to a smaller town as an adult, some people, not everyone, would smile or greet me in shops or even on the street. I believe people in smaller towns don't have to have their guard up and so are free to express happiness, this seemed strange to me when I first moved. After while, I got into that frame and didn't feel I'm danger, so now I may smile or even get into small convos with random people. I don't go out of my way to do it but if I'm in the right mood or state I find it quite a loving thing to do, to acknowledge someone else's existence. But I also understand why someone might not feel to do it. 

 

I suppose much of it is cultural. I grew up in the UK and it's not the norm there. It's not really normal in most of Europe. 

[bebotalk]

On 05/02/2024 at 0:03 AM, Rigel said:

Your view is probably not that uncommon cause a lot of people aren't happy. Happy people smile because they feel like it and for no other reason. It's very simple. Don't overcomplicate things. Sure some people will fake a smile to try and manipulate you but their vibe stinks a mile away. They're very easy to spot and avoid.

That is technically true but it puts you in the wrong frame of mind. It depends on what emotion you associate with that statement.

Be happy & radiate that happiness out with no expectation of it being reciprocal. That is the high level attitude. You are not trying to get happiness back in return when you smile out of genuine happiness because you already have it!

Of course that implies you must know how to make yourself happy in the first place.

Why would a person radiate happiness for the sake of it? and for whose benefit? random strangers? Humans are complex. A person cannot be reduced to what's on their face at a. given time. It just in my opinion seems very invasive, unevolved, and backward. Why would somebody want others to look happy? I'm sorry, but it makes no sense. And is an odd imposition to make on people one doesn't know for one's own benefit. People may disagree, but it's just my opinion. 

[Consept]

5 hours ago, bebotalk said:

I suppose much of it is cultural. I grew up in the UK and it's not the norm there. It's not really normal in most of Europe. 

I think it depends, I'm from the UK as well and it's nor so normal in the south especially in big cities, but up north, Ireland, Scotland its very normal 

[meta_male]

5 hours ago, bebotalk said:

Why would a person radiate happiness for the sake of it? and for whose benefit? random strangers?

There's no benefit for someone to be pushed to smile if they don't feel like it. There are people who are simply happy – they usually smile. If you're in a bad mood then you can get triggered by these people, even if they're not needy and leave you be. These people are wise because they are happy for the sake of being happy and because it makes them feel good, but they understand not everyone is feeling the same way inside.

Then there's insecure people who really get on your nerves and need to pour their happiness onto you, more so to feel superior. They mean well but are socially uncalibrated. They can ask dumb questions like ArE yOu hAppY? WhAt HaPPeNeD tO yOu? WhY dOn'T YoU sMiLe MoReeeeee?

[Yimpa]

Imagine not being able to smile at all.

 

[Yimpa]

2 hours ago, meta_male said:

Then there's insecure people who really get on your nerves and need to pour their happiness onto you, more so to feel superior. They mean well but are socially uncalibrated. They can ask dumb questions like ArE yOu hAppY? WhAt HaPPeNeD tO yOu? WhY dOn'T YoU sMiLe MoReeeeee?

Is Elmo socially uncalibrated? 
 

 

[Yimpa]

On 2/4/2024 at 0:20 AM, bebotalk said:

If a stranger fell on the pavement and cut themselves, I'd call an ambulance for them if they were badly hurt.

Are you sure about that?

 

[universe]

On 05/02/2024 at 6:53 AM, bebotalk said:

manipulative

In which way to feel or to act do you think you are manipulated.