My first awakening experience (in FULL DETAIL) (N,N-DMT)

[woohoo123]

Hi,

Trip report of my first ever awakening experience. I am a newbie, don't shoot me. I hope to continue and deepen this in future.

200mg N,N-DMT Fumarate taken orally. This is a high dose and I do not recommend it. As you will see it was an intense (but not traumatic (don't worry I am ok)) experience. 

In fairness I have done this dose before. This is my third trip attempt. My first two trips were incomplete (I was under the impression I was resistant to this dosage). I made a small change to how I prepare the MAOI and this sent me into another world. 

The below report contains some original notes I wrote as I was tripping (to try and capture the moment), otherwise this is me recalling the experience after things have calmed down. 

Naturally, the most detailed parts are in the lead up to the peak. At the peak I was completely incapacitated. 

The entire trip lasted around 120 minutes, I start counting from when visuals started to the end where I regained a 'normal' sense of consciousness. I estimate the awakening was around 30 minutes from start. Peak was around 75 mins from start (lasted for around 30-45 mins) with a wind down of around 30 mins before I felt like I could function normally again. 

Also thanks @Leo Gura (I have been following you for like 10 years) this was an experience like no other

Hope this is educational and enjoy!

Trip report

Visuals start

The first thing I notice is feeling light headed, about 45 mins after taking DMT fumarate.  My whole body feels very light, as if it was going to be uploaded as a datastream or into some UFO (like in the movies where they de-serialize your body and beam it up). Everything seemed lighter, as if it was about to be de-serialized. This is a similar experience I had on my first (incomplete) trip you can read on here.

As I wave my hand in front of me, it feels like it is moving in slow motion. But it's not that it is moving slowly, rather it feels like I am able to take in so much more information from each frame. I still have good mental cognition. I start to notice my hand has as very slight 'tail' on it when I move. Similar to when you change your computer mouse to have a trailing tail which follows it. The effect is subtle so I am not completely under, but I notice it.

For the first time I start to see more visuals on DMT. To get visual effects I have to pick a spot in the room and focus on it. I look at the shadow, I notice it looks like it is waving and morphing slightly (in stereotypical 'trippy' fashion'). The movement is not just sideways, but also longitudinal (like you are zooming in and out slightly).

I look at the picture on the wall, I notice the frame size is changing and moving. It is getting slightly larger and then smaller.

Then I look around the room and notice the room is starting to feel kinda warpy. I think this is pretty cool, how I imagined psychedelics to be like (trippy visuals).

I notice the colour purple is very prevalent. There is like a purple 'net' or 'web' overlay which seems to be onto of everything in a kind of fractcal/snowflake/water stain pattern. I am not sure why purple though I felt like I saw some similar colour before when I tried to (unsuccessfully) vaporize DMT.

I watch the roof morphing and moving with this purple overlay on top of it. I feel love that I cannot explain.

Visuals intensify, feeling immense love

As I am watching the roof these thoughts are going through my head 'it is love it’s all good, brother it’s all good'.

This is trippy as hell, it feels good and fun to watch the visuals.

I feel deep intense feelings of love. This love is deeper than anything I have felt in my normal life. 

At this point I start to get a sense of oneness. This love I feel it is not 'contained' within my body. Rather the entire room and my body felt as one unit. The love I was feeling was not contained 'within' my body but rather it was being reflected everywhere and contained within the entire room itself. The expression I have written down as I was tripping is 'A love contained within itself. A self reflecting love of oneness'

I notice I am literally crying (my breathing is normal, but there are streams of tears coming out of my eyes) however I do not feel sad. I am in awe of the love I am feeling within. I am crying at the beauty.

The purpose of this trip is to help me with my fear in normal life. I try to think of issues that I have anxieties about. I have the notes written down as I was tripping  'All your fears and worries it’s all part of the play my love. Just love it all experience it cherish it' (btw I NEVER use words like 'my love', 'my dear' in my normal life. I was feeling some intense emotion here)

For the first time in my life, I said 'I love you' out loud and I genuinely meant it with all my heart. That moved me a lot.

You may be thinking 'who were you talking to?'

I was talking to myself, but 'I' was no longer my brain. I was the Universe. It was the Universe talking to itself.

I thought of my gf. I realized the same intelligence I am admiring right now, is the same intelligence contained within her. Her entire ‘construction’ is that same intelligence I am admiring right now. For all the flaws in her I like to pick out, I realize she is a representation of  universal love and intelligence. It made me love and appreciate her more.

The love gets deeper and I have the expression written down as I was tripping 'Love melts, it just melts everything away'. Love is dissolving, like being dropped in a VAT of acid and just disappearing in all directions.

This sensation of love feels very familiar.... I get a thought in my head 'I have finally come home. I have finally arrived'  (this hit like a tonne of bricks, more tears, holy shit)

Awakening and the cosmic joke

I notice at this point there is a very strong sense of 'ME'. Except ME is not I (the ego). ME is the UNIVERSE. 

I start to laugh and giggle. The Universe is literally laughing at itself! The Universe is admiring its own intelligence! Its own genius!

This moment, this VERY moment of awakening has all been orchestrated by ME (the Universe). Literally everything leading up to this moment was planned and designed with intelligence. What did I find at the end? It was all ME (the Universe) all along!

Everything was ME (the Universe), ME invented everything, ME set-up everything, everything was LITERALLY ME ALL ALONG!

ME (the Universe) distinctly remembers laughing and being in awe of MY (the Universe) own intelligence.

I (the Universe) set-everything up and played a prank on myself! It is only now the prank is unfolding and I realize it was ME (the Universe) all along!

It's that feeling you get when you are having a really bad day, and then its like 'don't worry bro it was just a prank!' and you start laughing and giggling. Then you appreciate the planning and set-up that all lead to this moment. Genius and fun!

It’s like playing hide and seek, and you finally found it, but you realize it was you hiding all along! You are the hider and the seeker! It’s so unexpected and funny! What a genius, mischievous, cheeky, naughty, little loopy-prank to play on yourself! Ta-daa! Surprise! Peek-a-boo! 

The following excerpt is original words as I was typing on my phone during this experience

'Everything is the universe
It’s just living and reacting to itself 
Everything you see and experience is just the universe reacting to itself

I am the universe
Wiping away my own tears
Hahahaha

It’s just a joke
A prank the Universe see is pulling on itself 
Just in awe of itself 

I made it all! 
Not I as me the body
But I as in the universe 
I orchestrated it all hahahah

I made it all up! 
I as in the universe 
I imagined it all! 
It was all a cosmic joke!! 

It’s all meeee (the universe) 
Look at this! 
The universe is just delighting in itself 

Yea taking notes is just a joke
What is this hahahah
The universe just delighting in itself 
That’s all it is
Just having fun wooop 

Having fun with itself hahahha

It’s just a joke hahhahahaha

I create all the fear
But what is behind all that fear? It’s really all just me all along! 
Hahaha '

There is the realization EVERYTHING and everyone IS ME (the Universe).

I (the Universe) created everything! This realization is beyond doubt, since doubt is second order. There is no doubt here because you realize that even doubt is something you (the Universe) created! Chemicals and hallucinations in the brain is something you created! It is like baking a cake, there is a knowing you created it, but it is only doubt which comes in AFTER the cake is created and can doubt itself. Doubt and brain does not give rise to the cake!

Everything you have ever done, all the interactions you will ever have. At the root of it there is only ME (the Universe)!

I (the Universe) created everything and there only ever was ME (the Universe) all along!

I (the Universe) is all that really exists. After all the charades and all the facades..... there was only ever me (the Universe) all along 

There is literally nothing to be afraid of, because everything was always ME (the Universe) all along! I was just in different guises 

I will never forget that sense of ME (the Universe), the Universe is conscious of itself.

I get mindfucked. I start to panic

This starts to happen around 75 mins after the initial dose. I an unable to walk properly, I sit and cuddle my toy doggy. I am unable to type at this point, if I try really hard I can try to focus and bring myself back to 'reality' for a few seconds, but I quickly get overpowered again by the intense visuals. 

I am not used to this level of stimulation. Part of me wants this to end because it is quite overpowering. I was ready to go back to reality at this point. Fear increases as the trip deepens (how deep does this go? I'm done already)

I close my eyes because opening my eyes the visuals are just too much.

However even as I close my eyes there are still very strong visuals appearing in my head. There is nowhere to run, you cannot escape yourself.

I start to get afraid because I don't really know where this is going at this point, how much more intense is this going to get? Fuck only a few mins have passed? feels like forever. Shit how do I stop this? Fuck I can't stop it. Where is the reset button? I want to go back to normal life. It’s going to last a few hours? FUUUCCKKK. I have seriously messed up.

I keep reminding myself I need to surrender to the experience, but part of me is still afraid of fully letting go.

Like I know this is ME (the Universe) but the depth is terrifying. I am not sure if it is something my brain can handle, or if I want to experience all this right now. 

In the end, I accept that part of me which is afraid to let go, I close my eyes, cuddle my big toy doggy and hope to wait it out. 

The following is all described as I shut my eyes. 

The visuals are like something out of a fever dream. Extremely bright colours, nothing makes logical sense. It’s like a crazy blur of noise, shapes and colour. Tesseracts, fractals, all interconnected and giving birth to one another, I have no idea what I am looking at or how to make sense of it. I just want it to be over. I am getting tossed around like a ragdoll.

Everything is like a Russian doll, you see something and then it splits and goes into more pieces, and then those pieces split again. My theme seemed to be very 'Aztec' for some reason, kept seeing Aztec cats and stuff idk. 

At this point I realized I am totally not in control, this trip is taking me wherever it wants to.  It's kinda like being on a rollercoaster, you know you will be fine at the end of it but between the start and end... well that's not up to you. 

You are afraid and want to surrender? Nah you're on this ride now whether you like it or not. Like there was nothing I could do. I was holding on for dear life lol. 

This part of the trip wasn’t particularly pleasant, it was very overstimulating and overpowering. Those guys weren’t joking, this stuff is intense. How much did I take? I can’t remember, I can't open my eyes, I can’t focus or think straight ohhh fuckkkkk

There is no coherent thought at this point, everything is like WTF! if you try to structure logic or thought, it immediately gets obliterated. You start to realize how limiting structure really is. You can't contain this information in structure or limitation of any form. It's just too much. Trying to logic this and structure it in some coherent form is like watching a building getting obliterated by a nuclear bomb. It just immediately gets blown away like pffft. 

Am I still breathing? Am I going to die?

I also start to become wary I am may not be breathing properly.  I feel my lungs empty, but are they filling again or am I holding my breath? I’m not sure.

Remember to keep breathing, don't die here bro.

I catch myself hyperventilating at one point because with all this information going on I am afraid I will forget to breath (so I overcompensate by breathing too much). But then there comes a knowing that everything will work itself out (everything is taken care of, there is nothing to fear, even my own death)

In Biology/physics I think your lungs are designed so when it runs out of air it automatically pulls it in. You 'think' you are in control of your breathing when really it is involuntary. I start to lean on this as my saving grace, that if I forget to keep consciously keep breathing I have an involuntary response which will keep me alive.

I start to mentally play a game of countdown the clock, I keep telling myself that I know I am in a safe place and this will all be over. I just have to remember to keep breathing so I'm not dead by the end of it lol. 

As I start to contemplate my own death, even that surrenders. Does it even matter if I die here? death doesn't make sense. Death is imaginary. Death is imagined. At this point life and death do not make sense. I also started to notice collapsing of inner/outer duality, inner/outer really its the same thing, both are imagined.

I am trying to retain some sense of normal consciousness so I can focus on staying alive, however it is like bringing a weebly dandelion to a shitstorm hurricane sharknado and hoping this little 'control' the ego has will keep you alive somehow. But of course it just gets completely annihilated.  Life/Death is the main priority for an ego, but this is on another scale. Life/Death is nothing here (scalewise).

It becomes more obvious to me that the ego is not really in control of anything, it just likes to think it is in control.  The ego is telling me I need to keep breathing, when really the Universe already has that all sorted out. There is nothing I need to do, it will all work itself out.  Ultimately everything is the Universe imagination, the ego likes to think it is in control, but really it is not. It is similar to my body breathing involuntarily, but then the ego says 'Don't worry bro I remembered to keep you breathing', the ego takes ownership for stuff it hasn't really done. 

At this point I realize the Universe has it all figured out. There is nothing to resist. For sure you can resist, and for sure I was still afraid. But ultimately, the takeaway I got is everything works itself out. It doesn't even matter if I die, the Universe has it all handled its way, everything it all takes care of itself. There is nothing to fear (although I do remember still being shit scared).

This lasted for about 30 mins.

Wind down

After this I started to come down (thank God). 

I have some more insights on the tail end, but this pretty much takes me from the start up to the peak.

There is a wind down phase with some insights I will write up later. 

Thanks everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 22 by woohoo123

[Leo Gura]

Excellent!

You got it.

[Jowblob]

Reading the part where you describe that everything is you and being happy about it like a kid, my first thought was 'oh boy, at that level it can drastically change its turn for the bad' don't be that happy about it.

And i was right, you got in some form of bad trip. In that level of consciousness you have to watch your mind, but the problem is that no action or no doing feels like death.

The story that you wrote feels like i wrote it myself for myself, thus creating a reality for myself.

The thing about things being orchestrated is you doing it to yourself because there are no others, the main reasons for this is 1. You want to experience something rather then nothing and 2. You're in your own mind as God and you don't understand yourself forever, it's like you being stuck in nothingness forever and because of this nothingness wants to experience something  but the thing that god doesnt understand  how this nothingness gained awareness. All life will always lead to this question.

[Arthogaan]

Beautiful report brother 

[woohoo123]

28 minutes ago, Jowblob said:

Reading the part where you describe that everything is you and being happy about it like a kid, my first thought was 'oh boy, at that level it can drastically change its turn for the bad' don't be that happy about it.

And i was right, you got in some form of bad trip. In that level of consciousness you have to watch your mind, but the problem is that no action or no doing feels like death.

Could you please expand on that a little? If possible I would prefer to avoid ‘bad trips’. If you have any advice I would be eager to hear more. 

For this one I would agree the second half was a bit much, but I don’t really feel scarred by it because somehow I knew I would be fine after it was over. 

[JayT79]

4 hours ago, Jowblob said:

Reading the part where you describe that everything is you and being happy about it like a kid, my first thought was 'oh boy, at that level it can drastically change its turn for the bad' don't be that happy about it.

And i was right, you got in some form of bad trip. In that level of consciousness you have to watch your mind, but the problem is that no action or no doing feels like death.

The story that you wrote feels like i wrote it myself for myself, thus creating a reality for myself.

The thing about things being orchestrated is you doing it to yourself because there are no others, the main reasons for this is 1. You want to experience something rather then nothing and 2. You're in your own mind as God and you don't understand yourself forever, it's like you being stuck in nothingness forever and because of this nothingness wants to experience something  but the thing that god doesnt understand  how this nothingness gained awareness. All life will always lead to this question.

When you say that God doesn't understand how nothingness gained awareness and life will always lead to this question. Is God in turmoil for forevermore about this but happy at the same time of beingness?

[Jehovah increases]

11 hours ago, woohoo123 said:

 

 

 

Awakening and the Cosmic Joke

I made it all up! 
I as in the universe 
I imagined it all! 
It was all a cosmic joke!! 

I was talking to myself, but 'I' was no longer my brain. I was the Universe. It was the Universe talking to itself.

There is the realization of EVERYTHING and everyone IS ME (the Universe).

feeling immense love.

The love gets deeper and I have the expression written down as I was tripping 'Love melts, it just melts everything away'. Love is dissolving, like being dropped in a VAT of acid and just disappearing in all directions.

This sensation of love feels very familiar... I get a thought in my head 'I have finally come home. I have finally arrived  (this hit like a tonne of bricks, more tears, holy shit)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

👌♾😻

Edited January 22 by Jehovah increases

[Jowblob]

8 hours ago, woohoo123 said:

Could you please expand on that a little? If possible I would prefer to avoid ‘bad trips’. If you have any advice I would be eager to hear more. 

For this one I would agree the second half was a bit much, but I don’t really feel scarred by it because somehow I knew I would be fine after it was over. 

You can't really avoid them as new understandings lead to new experiences. The only thing that might work is just surrendering and quiting your mind which means no thoughts or intention as at these levels of consciousness your mind starts becoming responsible for your reality but it is easier said then done.

[OBEler]

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Excellent!

You got it.

You said no one on this forum is awake. Would you claim him as awake now?

 

@woohoo123 awesome work man! How is your every day now if you interact with others?

[Jowblob]

5 hours ago, JayT79 said:

When you say that God doesn't understand how nothingness gained awareness and life will always lead to this question. Is God in turmoil for forevermore about this but happy at the same time of beingness?

At the highest level all you have is beingness and abideness being stuck with yourself forever in an everlasting presence. Being extremely conscious abiding in your own vibration and love that you can't share with anyone but only yourself. The ego is created because the seeking never stops, so you create a play in your own imagination After having had a taste of different dreams and how good it actually is even when you know you lie to yourself  you still prefer being stuck in a dream. Guru's that claimed being released from the cycle of reincarnation are all not conscious enough, you will always reincarnate to different dreams. Your unlimited no time presence is not experienced as the life is here, you can't really abide in yourself forever as there is only presence. Your stay at the highest level will be short

[Leo Gura]

7 minutes ago, OBEler said:

You said no one on this forum is awake. Would you claim him as awake now?

There's many degrees to it.

He has a basic understanding of God now.

[Princess Arabia]

This was beautifully written. Took me on an inner rollercoaster ride. 

[woohoo123]

12 hours ago, OBEler said:

@woohoo123 awesome work man! How is your every day now if you interact with others?

I am still integrating and coming to terms with what happened (this will take some time). 

One of the things I am reflecting on atm is fearlessness and how I can integrate/apply that to various parts of my life (at my own pace of course). I remember recognising the pure fearlessness of the Universe at large and how purely awesome that was.

During my trip I also had the insight that only something truly fearless could/would create something like fear. I am grateful to see that beyond fear, there is only love (there was only Me (the Universe)). There are so many parts of my life where I am just afraid, I am looking to work on those.

Also reflecting on loving unconsciousness and other people. Even when they don't act or meet my expectations of what I 'want' them to be. Recognizing that even in their current state, they're still a form of that amazing intelligence I was in awe of. 

Edited January 22 by woohoo123

[vibv]

@woohoo123 Welcome home 

[Soul Flight]

Awesome trip report. Thanks. The cosmic joke is the best part. It is so weird that it is the epiphany and revelation and transcendence which is so wonderful. And it is weird that the universe keeps generating lifeforms under amnesia so they can eventually laugh at the cosmic joke. It's god playing hide and seek with itself as you said. What else would you do if you were god? It is the only game in town? Lol!

I've even had insights or intuitions that I've awoken many times in many incarnations. I always find shrooms or LSD or something in every cycle and wake up. I do have some weird fear about how my life ends up or ends and how the cycle resets again. Do I awaken? Do I live a long life and die naturally? I suppose I should just be in the present moment and enjoy this ride.

But sadly I still get pulled into drama and conflict with other people as I get further away from my drug induced trips.

Thanks again for the post. Very cool.

[Yimpa]

Woohoo!