Is it a bad idea to message my ex-gf to say goodbye to her on good terms?

[integral]

Things didn’t end well and to release myself from the stress of a bad memory I wanted to send her a message to say goodbye in a healthy way. It could create some closure and remove any regret or negativity we both might hold towards the break up. I don’t want her back, we both moved on, I’m looking to free any negative emotions we might be holding onto and allow for healing.

Deep down I want her to like me and I feel like that will give me closure that we are on separate paths. 

Edited October 31, 2022 by integral

[NoSelfSelf]

What did you say when you two broke up its usually said then...?

[integral]

14 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

What did you say when you two broke up its usually said then...?

I thanked her for sharing her life with me and explained why it was time for us to go our separate ways. But then I sort of took it back and said that I already invested into her and the relationship and would like to fix things. She essentially didn’t respond to anything and a week later blocked me.

Edited October 31, 2022 by integral

[NoSelfSelf]

@integral Great quote i heard is:" best way to invest in relationship is investing in yourself".

This is the moment to practice self respect and let her go, keep good memories but let her out of your mind too...

You messed this one up so you can make next one better ??

[Tyler Robinson]

Say goodbye and then block her and never message her again. 

[Yarco]

Depends how long ago it was. If it was more than a few weeks, I'd say no. It might release stress and guilt from you. But it will likely also stir bad feelings and trauma back up for her if she has already moved on.

I've wanted to do the same thing before, but ultimately decided it was for selfish reasons.

It would definitely make me feel better to apologize for all of my shortcomings, and to point out all the stuff I would've done better in retrospect now that I've grown as a person, and tell her that she deserved better. But now that it's over, frankly, I don't know if she would care or really benefit at all from hearing it.

If somebody mugged me -- then 5 years later they turned their life around and wanted to sincerely apologize to me -- I don't want to hear from them. I don't want to forgive them. I just want to keep it buried deep in my memory and not have it brought back to the forefront again. It doesn't help me at all to know they've changed, the damage is done. It's just about assuaging their own guilt so they can sleep better at night.

[Jannes]

4 minutes ago, Yarco said:

Depends how long ago it was. If it was more than a few weeks, I'd say no. It might release stress and guilt from you. But it will likely also stir bad feelings and trauma back up for her if she has already moved on.

I've wanted to do the same thing before, but ultimately decided it was for selfish reasons.

It would definitely make me feel better to apologize for all of my shortcomings, and to point out all the stuff I would've done better in retrospect now that I've grown as a person, and tell her that she deserved better. But now that it's over, frankly, I don't know if she would care or really benefit at all from hearing it.

If somebody mugged me -- then 5 years later they turned their life around and wanted to sincerely apologize to me -- I don't want to hear from them. I don't want to forgive them. I just want to keep it buried deep in my memory and not have it brought back to the forefront again. It doesn't help me at all to know they've changed, the damage is done. It's just about assuaging their own guilt so they can sleep better at night.

You should want to forgive them. If you don’t that hurt will stay will you. Hmm I think forgiveness is something that happens completely internally. You shouldn’t want a apology from somebody, you should just try to understand them. In this process you see that you would have done the same thing which closes the duality between you and them which heals you. I don’t know why you wouldn’t want an apology. It makes forgiving them easier. Unless you really want to hate them which will be harder if they try to apologize to you. 

[Ulax]

Perhaps just let it go, and sit with the emotions that come up.

I think it could a useful life experience around the idea of learning how to deal with relationships that end without closure.

[LastThursday]

6 hours ago, integral said:

Deep down I want her to like me

I would introspect deeply on that, you'll get better closure that way.

[Leo Gura]

How long ago?

If it was months, just let it go. No point in opening an old wound.

Edited November 1, 2022 by Leo Gura

[Hello from Russia]

Do it, man, it will be very healthy for both of you

Don't take experience with anyone for granted, everyone deserves a closure and goodbye note, imo

Edited November 1, 2022 by Hello from Russia

[StarStruck]

If you really feel like it you should do it. You will learn from it.

[integral]

I’ve decided not to do it and the reason is she is the type of person who doesn’t like to relive the past.

If I were to bring up the past it would be for selfish reasons and not a reflection of love towards her.

It will only hurt her. So the loving choice is to let it be. If there was a possibility she would receive it well then I would do it but I don’t think that Is the case.

Edited November 1, 2022 by integral

[integral]

@Tyler Robinson well she already blocked me lol I just have the possibility of sending her an email. 

[Tyler Robinson]

@integral oops I see. I forgot. 

 

[mr_engineer]

17 hours ago, integral said:

I thanked her for sharing her life with me and explained why it was time for us to go our separate ways. But then I sort of took it back and said that I already invested into her and the relationship and would like to fix things. She essentially didn’t respond to anything and a week later blocked me.

When you thanked her for sharing her life with you and explained why it was time for you to go your separate ways, that was a nice way to end it. 

But then, when you back-track and say you'd like to fix things, she'll see that as a b*tch-move. Especially if this was how she rationalized ending it with you to begin with. So, you doing something like this further reinforces her rationale and she'll have no moral repercussions blocking you. 

[Roy]

As a general rule for life it's better just to let things go/be. Focus yourself towards a new and brighter future. Closure is a naïve luxury that while nice to have, nobody is owed.

Leo said in a video once I believe "The key to acing life", it's that you should always do the thing that is most emotionally difficult. If that means holding your tongue, then do that.

[puporing]

Eventually you have to forgive her to truly heal.. and to unify your consciousness, I know it might sound hard right now.

And preferably also recontextualize all of your relationships/views of "others" with the pursuit of Awakening.

What it leads to is... can you grow to accept the fact that you dreamt all your dream figures and perceived seperation to have this current experience/dream? That their true self is with God? And therefore completely innocent. And the more you can accept it the less anything happens in the dream should affect you, because you're just watching/in a movie that you made. 

Don't mind me if it's flying over your head, there's another point to saying this... helps me to remember as well.

Edited November 1, 2022 by puporing