What should I do .... So upset ... guide me please

[Ingit]

I am an obsessive possessive type in relationships..... I am with a Girl for 2 months... she talks with her two exes In between.... Today i checked her phone In found out she rang her ex But she already said that i don’t trust her and she told me that her ex know that I have a boyfriend... I went upset like why would she talk... But she said normal talk and Told me that she has no problem if I check her phone but at least don’t accuse her of flirting or doing things.... I stay in a livin relation with my girl... POSSESSIVEness and neediness has always an issue with me in a Relationship and J feel weaken and broken... what should I do... how to deal with such situation... and How to not feel sorry for me... my ego becomes depressed 

[Leo Gura]

Learn to trust your girl.

But also you can set boundaries with her.

Clearly you've got insecurity issues tho which you should work on.

[Preety_India]

Sometimes girls have to talk to their exes, maybe out of fear? Check the nature of their conversations. 

If she is flirting, I don't think it's okay since she is in a new relationship. That can make anyone insecure big time. 

I talked to my ex for almost a year after we broke up. But it wasn't flirting since I had no interest in that. I was venting my frustration with him, because it was hurting badly, it was an LTR and venting with him released some of my tension. 

We would bicker at each other back and forth and we dragged it on for a year, he was frustrated that I was moving on and couldn't deal with it and I was repeatedly ranting at him reminding him of the hurt. 

In the end when I met my new boyfriend, he told me to block my ex which I did and I kinda felt stupid for not doing it sooner. 

After blocking him I felt good for a while, and then I unblocked him and we began talking again, but once again it was too much squabbling and quarreling over the past and him trying to win me back which wasn't working. My whole agenda was to push him to the curb and get over it somehow. I think I was looking for closure. 

It takes a long time to understand that there is no real closure, even if one goes looking for it. It's simply over and that's it. 

So yea, it takes time for all that to sink in. I think experience is the best teacher. 

Also my ex was contacting me for emotional support for the stuff he had been dealing with. So I was still giving him emotional support even after the breakup. 

He was kinda relying on me. The lingering inertia of the relationship. But I had to finally come to terms with the fact that it's not my job to give him support that he needs to find himself since there is no context for it and it only complicates things even more. 

So I happily blocked him once again. Battle of the exes. It happens. 

Maybe some day I might unblock him. But it's just something not very healthy in the end. Like an on and off addiction. 

 

It's hard if the relationship was deep and conflicting. It's hard to let go of the addiction to find closure. 

Hope this helps 

 

Talk to your gf and tell her to at least minimize or block the ex. I know it might be hard for her. But she has to control it or block it. 

 

[Raze]

Try IFS therapy 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L2MzmE8cwo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3mszliIb2Q

[Preety_India]

@hyruga my ex used to talk to his ex. I never had a problem because I trusted him to not to do anything hurtful 

I gave him full freedom to talk to both of his exes. 

He even showed me their pictures and he liked their pictures on Facebook. 

Deep down I trusted him so it didn't matter who he was talking to 

 

 

[ZenAlex]

Did she give you permission to check her phone? If not, then I have no sympathy for you. That's pathetic.

Get professional help because you're breaking boundaries for no good reason and causing others harm because of your issues.

 

[Ingit]

@ZenAlex she said... that she had no problem Of me checking her phone... i asked if She wants me not to check her phone but she said I can check

[something_else]

2 hours ago, hyruga said:

You need to dominate the girl. Not bully the girl but dominate her at least at times. Show that you are the masculine person who called the shots. 

If she doesn't respect you, then you don't respect her by purposely going out with girls and taking photos. Tell her to get lost and break up if she does not want to keep the relationship.

I get what you're saying, but this is really deep down just a toxic way to view long-term relationships. This kind of thinking works for building attraction, it doesn't work for creating lasting, fulfilling relationships.

You should not be thinking in terms of "if she does this, I'm going to do this to show her who's boss"

If someone is breaking your boundaries, you talk to them about it and assert your boundaries. If things don't change, you leave. You don't start trying to emotionally abuse/manipulate, your partner to assert dominance

Edited June 8, 2022 by something_else

[Razard86]

21 minutes ago, something_else said:

I get what you're saying, but this is really deep down just a toxic way to view long-term relationships. This kind of thinking works for building attraction, it doesn't work for creating lasting, fulfilling relationships.

You should not be thinking in terms of "if she does this, I'm going to do this to show her who's boss"

If someone is breaking your boundaries, you talk to them about it and assert your boundaries. If things don't change, you leave. You don't start trying to emotionally abuse/manipulate, your partner to assert dominance

Everything you said is true....but the problem is most people are not taught this. They want quick easy fixes and this is a quick easy fix. But what they will ultimately realize is everyone wants to feel important and respected. If they "dominate" for too long that person will feel like you don't respect them. They need to realize that a relationship is a dance. It is a push and pull. A back and forth. 

There is no perfect map for a relationship because that mirrors reality. So what the man has to learn... is how to respond in that moment. Sometimes he can dominant, sometimes he can be unattached, and sometimes he can be attached, and sometimes he can be submissive. Anyone that thinks you need to be ONE way all the time has never had a long term successful relationship. 

A man has to integrate both the Masculine and Feminine to have a long lasting relationship. Your ability to connect with your feelings, and to honor your emotions will determine how well you can connect with your girlfriend. Your ability to take charge in your life, and to assert and orient yourself toward something will determine how well you can get your girlfriend to follow your lead. But here is the kicker....sometimes you need to be able to follow her lead as well. 

At the deepest levels, relationships can become a spiritual connection where the two individuals literally become ONE (This can only be accomplished through spiritual practices) where they are able to connect and gain a TRUE understanding of each person's perspective reality. If you can accomplish this.... you will have the most fulfilling relationship.

 

[ash]

@Ingit  I was in a relationship with a man who was extremely good looking and financially settled. His insecurity issues drove me up the wall. I started feeling suffocated in the relationship and eventually I left him.  As Leo already suggested what you need to do, I will not repeat that again.  

Imagine, if your girlfriend starts being exactly how you have been with her, would you like that?  Would you feel comfortable in the relationship? Do you see that it can last for 1 year, 2 years or 5 years?  

When I broke-up in my last relationship, I also started focusing and analyzing on why I felt suffocated in the relationship? Why I couldn't make it work?  I realized that due to my past trauma I didn't have the bandwidth or capacity to deal with what was coming my way.  I needed to work on myself.  I always remind myself that I can't force anyone to be with me or be with them - people change - in beginning stages of relationship everything looks promising but 1, 2, 5, 10 years later things can be totally different. Nothing is forever.  Solitude makes us strong, attractive and secure.  Don't get me wrong, relationships are good, they help us grow and belong but at the end, all of us must learn to be comfortable being alone.

Take care of yourself. 

 

 

[Spiral]

While you should definitely work on your confidence. I do think it’s not unreasonable to ask ones partner not to talk with their ex. It’s not the same as having friends of the opposite gender.

Edited June 8, 2022 by Spiral

[integral]

Move the mindset away from "we are in a relationship" to being a true friend. This will change your interactions with her and your connection will grow deeper.  

The "we are in a relationship" perspective is toxic and holds baggage. Change the frame of mind about what this is and you'll get what you truly want. 

The friend component of the relationships isn't there. 

Edited June 8, 2022 by integral

[Fernanda]

18 minutes ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

maybe it's because I have super-high standards for women which is why I'm alone.

Exactly. The standards are so high that only we ourselves can meet them. ALL-ONE. ? I get you.

@Ingit 2 months is just too early to trust blindly. Try to observe how this girl makes you feel. If she makes you feel insecure, you need too ask yourself some more questions. Try not to point fingers, just ask "why the situation?" and try to communicate with her honestly. Women do like that. 

[Razard86]

3 hours ago, Fernanda said:

Exactly. The standards are so high that only we ourselves can meet them. ALL-ONE. ? I get you.

@Ingit 2 months is just too early to trust blindly. Try to observe how this girl makes you feel. If she makes you feel insecure, you need too ask yourself some more questions. Try not to point fingers, just ask "why the situation?" and try to communicate with her honestly. Women do like that. 

No human has 100 percent ever met their own standards. Its that imperfection in us we are often afraid to face. In psychology it is called the shadow and is the reason other people "bother" us. If we as humans truly loved ourselves unconditionally "nothing" would bother us when we interact with humans.

We must first learn to love our flaws, before we can love the flaws of others. Suffering comes from the judgment of our flaws which we project onto life and say things like "Life is unfair." Life is only unfair because of your judgment. If it doesn't go your way you hate it, and if it goes your way you love it. But if it went your way all the time....that means somebody else is having a bad day everyday lol.

(This isn't directed at you by the way) This is just a general post. We all collectively got some shadow work to do.

[integral]

Trust is a paradigm, there is no need to trust anyone.

Instead of worrying whether this person will do what you want instead focus on what the  probability is that she will respect your boundaries.

This changes the mindset to focus on who she is instead of what you want from her.

Who she is is the bottom line, and what you want from her is your fantasy that you're projecting causing all your suffering.

Edited June 9, 2022 by integral

[Fernanda]

4 hours ago, Razard86 said:

No human has 100 percent ever met their own standards. Its that imperfection in us we are often afraid to face. In psychology it is called the shadow and is the reason other people "bother" us. If we as humans truly loved ourselves unconditionally "nothing" would bother us when we interact with humans.

Thank you. Yes, I have a long way to go. There are still some parts of me I need to learn how to love. 

What I find challenging about marriage and dating are the attachment expectations that are created. Lately, I am figuring I can love and be loved, even in a deep and intimate way, but it doesn't look like the relationship models we learn out there. It's really free and fluid, profound and unnatached. 

As @integral said, without the "we are in a relationship" label things seem to go well. The moment there comes some implicit expectations the ego comes and the connections die out.

Don't misunderstand me, I still long for an exclusive deep connection, but the way I am living now is in fact a really high standard. It's not disconnected or unloving.

[flowboy]

@Ingit  First we need to separate out the girl from you.

This is clearly not about the girl.

If a specific girl gave rise to suspicion, that would be about her.

However, you indicate that neediness and possessiveness has always been a problem.

Therefore, the problem AND the solution are to be found in you, and this has nothing to do with the girl (or who she calls).

 

Ideally, you get to a place where you don't even wonder who she's calling.

The idea that she might be cheating or leaving you doesn't even occur as a thought in your mind.

If that's where you want to be, we need to explore this fear.

 

Behind neediness and possessiveness is a fear.

What is that fear?

• That she'd cheat? Or leave? Or both?
  Write that down.

Then go one level deeper:

• And then what? Why is that so bad that you must control it with such desperate measures?
• Does it mean something for who you see yourself as?
  Would it mean you would have to feel like a loser, or worthless, or [insert bad self image] if she did?
• How would it make you feel if that happened?
  
  Write all of that down.

Then go one more level deeper

• What is that feeling you would feel, if she did, and when did you feel it before?
• And before?
• Have you always felt like this?
• What's the earliest you can remember feeling this?
• Where did it start?

Contemplating this will affirm in your reality that it's really not about the girl.

Which should make it easier to stop your needy and possessive behaviours with her.

Because you see it's not about her, you've felt like this a lot.

If you want to go even deeper and reduce the terrible feeling you are suffering from when feeling possessive or jealous, try some inner child healing work or shadow work.

Doing this once or multiple times will make you less reactive and help you curb your possessiveness.

Warning though: it's not easy. It requires focus and emotional discomfort. You must be serious about it.

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by flowboy

[Razard86]

5 hours ago, Fernanda said:

Thank you. Yes, I have a long way to go. There are still some parts of me I need to learn how to love. 

What I find challenging about marriage and dating are the attachment expectations that are created. Lately, I am figuring I can love and be loved, even in a deep and intimate way, but it doesn't look like the relationship models we learn out there. It's really free and fluid, profound and unnatached. 

As @integral said, without the "we are in a relationship" label things seem to go well. The moment there comes some implicit expectations the ego comes and the connections die out.

Don't misunderstand me, I still long for an exclusive deep connection, but the way I am living now is in fact a really high standard. It's not disconnected or unloving.

Yeah I can give you one if you want. I have been developing one the past 3 years and I believe I have a healthy one. I'll make a post in this forum later on today on how to have a healthy relationship with others. There is a phrase I use "Everything starts with you." The model will be based on your relationship with yourself. 

I will also reveal right now....how much of a mirror reality is....our desire to connect on this forum with each other and give each other advice and encouragment....is really a reflection of what we desire to do for ourselves. When we encourage others....the message we are telling them is really what we are telling ourselves.

This is why you see people who may have been a raped...start an organization to help those who have been rape process through it. You want to help others heal....because you want to heal as well. And if you already healed....then you are doing it because you know how it felt and want others to get through it. We can never take ourselves out of the equation when it comes to relating to people. 

[Fernanda]

38 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

I'll make a post in this forum later on today on how to have a healthy relationship with others. There is a phrase I use "Everything starts with you." The model will be based on your relationship with yourself. 

Yes, nice. I'll wait for your post :). Thank you. Relationships are very important and I feel there are so few pointers to the possibilities we can consider when establishing boundaries and connecting to "others". I know, in the end, LOVE is the only answer, though.

[actually]

12 hours ago, flowboy said:

@Ingit  First we need to separate out the girl from you.

This is clearly not about the girl.

If a specific girl gave rise to suspicion, that would be about her.

However, you indicate that neediness and possessiveness has always been a problem.

Therefore, the problem AND the solution are to be found in you, and this has nothing to do with the girl (or who she calls).

 

Ideally, you get to a place where you don't even wonder who she's calling.

The idea that she might be cheating or leaving you doesn't even occur as a thought in your mind.

If that's where you want to be, we need to explore this fear.

 

Behind neediness and possessiveness is a fear.

What is that fear?

• That she'd cheat? Or leave? Or both?
  Write that down.

Then go one level deeper:

• And then what? Why is that so bad that you must control it with such desperate measures?
• Does it mean something for who you see yourself as?
  Would it mean you would have to feel like a loser, or worthless, or [insert bad self image] if she did?
• How would it make you feel if that happened?
  
  Write all of that down.

Then go one more level deeper

• What is that feeling you would feel, if she did, and when did you feel it before?
• And before?
• Have you always felt like this?
• What's the earliest you can remember feeling this?
• Where did it start?

Contemplating this will affirm in your reality that it's really not about the girl.

Which should make it easier to stop your needy and possessive behaviours with her.

Because you see it's not about her, you've felt like this a lot.

If you want to go even deeper and reduce the terrible feeling you are suffering from when feeling possessive or jealous, try some inner child healing work or shadow work.

Doing this once or multiple times will make you less reactive and help you curb your possessiveness.

Warning though: it's not easy. It requires focus and emotional discomfort. You must be serious about it.

 

Just wanna say thank you for your contribution to this forum. Since signing up here and knowing the Actualized channel I had alot of insights and positive mental improvements. Your posts have been a big part of that thank you bro