Consent Thread

[Thought Art]

Hey, thought it would be great to open up peaceful open minded thread about consent, what it is, how to practice it.

Please share stories, resources, etc regarding the do’s and don’ts of consent. 
 

This is so crucial especially as some of us are starting to date and do pick up. 
 

I think the most basic rule is “No means no” and to act on an “Enthusiastic Yes”.

and to always check in with people. 

[Preety_India]

Basic line of politeness = just ask the person  if they want sex. Then ask if they are sure like two times. 

Keep a boundary - if you(the girl) don't give a hint at all, I won't do this. Wait for a clear hint like she says she wants sexy time. 

 

Tell straight up that no sex until proper consent given. Or proper interest shown. 

Have some integrity 

Sex is good, but don't be so mad about sex, not worth it. 

 

Only people with lowest integrity will take a no as yes.. 

 

 

If she doesn't give a clear hint and doesn't want to honor integrity, she isn't worth having sex with anyway, she is just a ball of trouble. 

Is she gonna call it a rape later? 

Why bother risking your life on people who aren't sure of what they want and just play coy games. 

If someone wants sex, anyone, they be clear about it and those who want to accept such people do so only when things are clear. 

This way you avoid unnecessary legal trouble and waste of time. 

If you remain on firm ground that you will only take people who are clear about what they want without ambiguity, then we create a safer zone for everyone. 

There's absolutely no need or reason why someone should play coy and put everyone in trouble. 

Responsible people will never do that, won't play games or be too uncertain or blame others for their uncertainty. 

(another suggestion is to take uncertainty or ambiguity or mixed signal  as a no, safer than taking it as a yes, but in general just best to avoid such people who create unnecessary confusion ) 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Loba]

• Ask if the girl wants to have sex.  If yes, have fun, if no, then accept that.
• Don't sleep with girls who are sloshed or high.

[Thought Art]

Perhaps, practice being horny by yourself and then rejecting yourself. 

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

Perhaps, practice being horny by yourself and then rejecting yourself. 

Horny does not mean "low integrity." 

You can be horny and still maintain integrity and not want to fuck every hole in town. 

Good luck. 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Pavement]

Avoid using coercion to get sex.  If a girl has said ‘no’ or said she ‘doesn’t feel like it’ or just seems tired or whatever , then leave it be.  The more pressure you use you might make her ending up doing something just to get you to leave her alone.. 

I Know pickup teaches to be persistent and to ignore the first few ‘no’s.  Or ‘no means yes’ etc.  This is outdated advice. This is trump style pulling.  Just leave it and find another girl who’s into you.  Don’t risk trying to coerce someone into having sex with you, could end badly. 

[Thought Art]

9 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Horny does not mean "low integrity." 

You can be horny and still maintain integrity and not want to fuck every hole in town. 

Good luck. 

 

Yes, I mean men practicing being horny when they would masturbate and practicing not getting satisfied. This may help when they are truly horny with girl, so they can maintain integrity. 
 

Somehow, men can learn to be in integrity when horny texting, or when alone with girls or girlfriends. 
 

For many men this is hard to do. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Thought Art

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

The real solution, is to look for both non-verbal and verbal cues. Can't believe the discussion is only concentrated on the verbal part of communication - when non-verbal cues include like 70-93% of communication. That's crazy, we're basically shutting down this huge communication channel. Learning to read these cues is the REAL game.

Like, if you actually listened to her non verbal cues, you'd know she's uncomfortable WAYY before she openly says "no". Actually, I consider waiting for verbal consent kinda autistic, and a bad game. YOU ALREADY should know if the girl fucks with you, or not.

 

Verbal consent is a part of good manners. 

 

[SgtPepper]

I agree that we need sex education. We need to learn what sexual assault is, what it looks like, and how both men and women can take responsibility to avoid causing harm. It's out there, but it needs to be taught in school for younger generations, just like there's talks about stop drop and roll, drug awareness, and drunk driving.

An enlightening book I read about this subject was Know My Name by Chanel Miller and it completely opened my mind to the experience of women. Men can be very creepy and the excuses are lame. 

I've been drunk and/or high, been told no and stopped immediately, so it is 100% possible. I imagine people who are okay with doing that after being told no, are legit mentally disturbed individuals.

It's very simple, if they say no and/or they are not pulling you in, and showing receptiveness, then back off.

It's okay to talk about it after with the person, but honestly I don't know why anyone would want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by SgtPepper

[Bobby_2021]

At the end of the day, you have to read what is being not said. Just read her mind, and get better at it.

If it is unambiguous for you, leave her.

If you feel, she is willing go ahead.

If she is unwilling, leave, obviously.

Dating, relationships and sexuality would have been a hell of lot simpler, if people simply said what they wanted and we could give it to them. Things are not that simple and explicit in reality.

[Pavement]

@Knowledge Hoarder of course, but this is where the problem lies. Most people can’t read non-social cues. Or they just don’t care. 

Plus If you are adviced to ignore when a woman says no and take it as a yes, or to keep pushing until you ‘close’  as some pickup instructs.. and you are someone with no people skills and a bad reader of body language then you are gonna ignore the ‘no’  aswell.. 

I just genuinely feel like that advice isn’t good, you don’t know what kind of people are following that advice either. 

because if you have a girl who is like awkward and saying no, but a guy has been told ‘don’t listen to no, push until you close’. Then if he can’t read her body language he could end up in a bad situation. 

Hope this makes any sense I’m super tired.

[Thought Art]

Not sure if I said this but,

don’t be one of those guys who verbally abuse women who say no or turn them down. That’s cringe af

Edited May 2, 2022 by Thought Art

[somegirl]

• If a girl says she wants to sleep with condom on, respect that at any cost. She has given you her condition and you don't cross that boundery in any circumstance (even if you run out of condoms). 
• If a girl says she is not up to having sex, respect that also. Don't try to change her mind because it will only make her more resentful and even if you finally convince her somehow, in the back of your mind you will know she didn't enthusiastically agreed to do it, so sex will therefore suck for you guys.
• If a girl tells you she doesn't like something you do, stop doing that. It shows you respect what she SAYS. 

[SamC]

On 2022-05-02 at 8:01 PM, Thought Art said:

Perhaps, practice being horny by yourself and then rejecting yourself. 

Lmao

We have a word for that, it's called nofap 

Edited May 3, 2022 by SamC

[Roy]

One of my ex-girlfriend's was a feminist advocate and worked at a woman's shelter for sexually assaulted/abused individuals. She had a pretty direct and simple way of how to view consent, the top thing to look for is enthusiasm. Within verbal communication and non-verbal body language, as well as in yourself, not just the other person. If either one or both of you aren't enthusiastic about things, then just don't do anything and wait for another time. Also know that consent is an ongoing thing and not a one-time business deal. Make sure to take a small break in between positions and sexual acts to check on the other person, this can be either verbal or by simply giving them a look. Just make sure you get some sort of confirmation and not an ambiguous answer.

Following these two straight forward ideas eliminates nearly all the issues we run into with sexual encounters. Out of all the women I've been with since her that have had a wide range of personalities, I haven't had a single bad experience. I even had a girl thank me once for simply asking "how are you doing?" halfway through. She said no guy she's been with has verbally asked that during sex, her lady parts were sore (obviously from my big dick) and wanted me to finish on her but she said she has a hard time asserting herself and wouldn't have said anything if I didn't open up that space for her by asking that one question.

Sex is about being vulnerable and opening yourself up to another person, yet ironically we are still closed off in a lot of ways even while it's happening.

[Thought Art]

3 hours ago, SamC said:

Lmao

We have a word for that, it's called nofap 

There’s many reasons to write a letter (metaphor)

[Emotionalmosquito]

On 5/2/2022 at 0:48 PM, Preety_India said:

Is she gonna call it a rape later? 

Why bother risking your life on people who aren't sure of what they want and just play coy games. 

If someone wants sex, anyone, they be clear about it and those who want to accept such people do so only when things are clear. 

This way you avoid unnecessary legal trouble and waste of time. 

Damn near perfectly stated. All I would say differently is it only helps reduce the risk of legal problems when you get a clear yes from her. It doesn’t eliminate the risk. She can still tell the cops anything she wants and you’re in deep shit if you can’t prove your innocence. So I would say get audio or video recording of her consenting and have her sign a waiver before each session. It may sound like a vibe killer but it’s peoples’ live we’re talking about here.

And I agree it would be best to ask and get a verbal yes from her before advancing, but I remember Leo telling me you can’t just straight up ask a girl for sex because putting it in words is a turn off due to the fact most girls respond best to pure vibe and subtle hint. Which is ridiculously frustrating since that means you have to figure it out based on how she’s moving her body instead of clear yes or no’s

[Tortured Soul]

@Thought Art I think it is about the vibe you have with the other one. You are both on the same wavelenght. I think it's a feeling thing and not logical/intellectual thing. I don't think anyone has asked me that or if I have asked anyone.

[bejapuskas]

Consent is not vibe killer.

[Thought Art]

10 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Consent is not vibe killer.

?

Consent is the vibe