URGENT! I Think I'm REALLY Gonna Kill Myself Tonight

[Apple Juice]

(This is about the problem that happened to me 3 months ago after using a subliminal audio.Here's the post I made at the time) :

I know some people are gonna say that I'm stupid and weak again or that I'm just trollin but fuck it.

So, I tried EVERYTHING I can to fix my problem but NOTHING works.Nothing.I listened to tens of subliminal flushes/reversals, all kinds of mantras/frequencies, tried to overwrite that subliminal programing with a new one and it just doesn't work.I don't know why but it just.Doesn't.Fucking.Work.

I'm at the lowest point of my life right now, I've NEVER felt that depressed.I just wanna fucking die.

I kept sayin to myself these last 3 months that there MUST be a way to fix this, that a subliminal can't be that powerful etc and I use to think about all the shit that matters to me like the girl that I love, my family and my dreams to motivate me to keep tryin again but now I'm really losing all hope...

This is the first time EVER that I really wanna end my life once and for all.

 

 

Edited December 10, 2021 by Apple Juice

[Nadosa]

Bro. No. Dont do it. Seek professional help asap.

[Yarco]

Call 911 and go to the hospital for psychological help, call a family member or friend for help. Pretty much anyone in real life is going to be able to help you better than people on a forum.

If you care about the message behind Actualized.org then don't put this kind of stuff up and give the media something to point at if you do go through with it. Leo doesn't need another suicidal forum person to tarnish his reputation or make him feel guilty about.

If the media finds out some Actualized.org fan kills themself you better believe they'll find some 10 second clips from a 3 hour video talking about killing yourself because the self isn't real and spinning it into some villainizing piece about how Actualized.org is a cult.

[Rilles]

Go to the psychward, you can probably be prescribed an anti-psychotic or something. If you kill yourself you dont know what kind of fucked up alternate reality you might end up in. I believe your problem has a solution here on earth. 

[Raze]

Do you have depersonalization, derealization, or depersonalization derealization disorder? Look up the symptoms of this.

Do you have dissociative identity disorder? Look up the symptoms.

if it is any of these look up the treatments.

[Cathal]

What exactly are you hoping will change in your life if you have a deeper voice? Maybe we can talk about that and come up with a different approach, 

[Tim R]

@Apple Juice Calm down, you can find a solution to this. Do not give up hope.

 I think what happened to you is this: you had a panic attack and depersonalization. You went into the subliminal audio with

1. a very specific image of yourself

2. desire to change that image

3. very specific expectations as to what your new self would / should look like.

You therefore turned your awareness at yourself, constantly observing how you believed yourself to be. Then you listened to the audio, (still constantly observing yourself with a specific image and expectation in mind) and then looked for the desired change in yourself (a manlier voice). 

Your expectations came true as a self-fulfilling prophecy. You Persona changed by virtue of you believing that it has changed. 

The reason this hasn't gone away is not because you're crazy, you're not. You are not possessed by anything either, it's still all you, relax.

The reason this hasn't gone away is because you are still (yes, for the last 3 months) observing yourself / your image of yourself / the PERSONA you believe yourself to be. This whole thing is just about persona.

You can't stop believing that you have become this new persona because any attempt to stop believing it simply reinforces the belief that you are this new persona. You understand? That's why you haven't gotten out of it, because you are not conscious of that dynamic.

Stop turning your focus inwardly. Start turning your focus outwardly, stop observing yourself. 

Stop observing yourself when you speak, just speak. Don't think about how you're going to speak or what other people will think about you.

You must learn to redirect your attention at something other than yourself. 

No persona stays forever and yours won't last either. Trust in that, don't give up hope and don't focus on it. Find something to do and then do that and focus on that. 

And stop listening to reverse subliminal audio, they will simply reinforce the belief that you are this Mr. Testosterone, you're not. 

If you still can't do it and are seriously considering suicide, please get help ASAP. There are ways to fix this.

[Preety_India]

Hugs and prayers. There is always hope at the end of the tunnel. 

 

 

[Nahm]

@Apple Juice

When the momentum of discord has reached the point it has, the ideal help is the help specifically trained for where you’re at so to speak. Call, allow & receive that help.

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international-suicide-hotlines.html

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

I am not per se specifically trained in suicide prevention, but can rightfully say that you haven’t tried everything yet, and if you’d like to try chatting with me just let me know. I’m available today. Links below, or just pm me. Much love. 

[Pateedm]

?

[Nahm]

Indeed. 

❤️

[Salvijus]

@Apple Juice just watch your breath, that's all it takes to overcome any bad state of mind and bring peace.

Edited December 10, 2021 by Salvijus

[Nadosa]

5 hours ago, Salvijus said:

@Apple Juice just watch your breath, that's all it takes to overcome any bad state of mind and bring peace.

Even the worst nightmares end

[Ananta]

What can lead to suicidal ideation is catastrophic thinking.

Ruminating over thoughts that lead to more and more catastrophic thoughts that things are so bad that the only way to make it stop is suicide.

That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

If you can't stop this thinking on your own, then get help. When you do make sure the person your speaking to knows 1) that your serious and 2) you need help now!

[Bojan V]

Please, seek help from professional therapist or psychiatrist. There is the solution to your difficulties.

Hugs, my friend. The darkness can appear total, but in Light there is no darkness. Call the emergency and this will be your first step toward the solution.

?

[Nahm]

@Apple Juice
The body is most intelligent.
Unthinkably, unbelievably, intelligent. 
The body is to be listened to. 
Not told. 

What you know, is from direct experience only. 
What you believe, is from what you hear, and is not, direct experience.
This includes the sound of your own voice. 

This sounds confusing, because the sound of your voice is not a belief, but is your direct experience, yes? 

Well, letting go of belief = being open minded, and openmindedness is called for here. 

You are not the body, mind, person. That is not your true identity. 
Your true identity, is that which is vibrationally appearing as, the body, mind, person if you will AND the very sound. Vibration. ALL sounds. 

There is no problem whatsoever with sound, with your voice. 
The discord, the suffering, is in the judgement of the sound / your voice. 
Doubly, the discord or suffering, is in the insistence that you are right, about the belief, that something is wrong with you. I say this with love to help, not to be argumentative or challenging, and I do hope it’s received that way. 

It is very likely imo, that the affirmations felt good, the lower voice felt good… and then in that feeling good… the body is letting some old beliefs about yourself go. Beliefs which don’t feel good, beliefs which are discordant.
The key point there is - recognize, the body is on the same page with you. What the body let’s go of, are beliefs which simply do not jive (discord) with truth. 

Think of it like this. A long time ago you ate something which did not taste good, but you ate it anyways because, well, people said “that’s what we eat”. Now the body & you are getting more on the same page so to speak… and the body’s like, awesome, let’s barf out that, which didn’t taste right in the first place. 

But you are resisting. You are suppressing. You are not allowing the body to ‘barf out’ the beliefs, which did not feel right to you in the first place. 

You’re not tasked with letting go of anything you like, want, or love. 
You’re tasked with breathing and relaxing, while the body does the work for you. 
What’s let go, is what you don’t want - what’s let go, is the discord, the resistance. 
Your ‘task’, if there could even be said to be one, is to ‘get out of the way’ / don’t suppress. 

Talking with someone, such as a therapist, or a friend or family member who is a good listener, is expression. The opposite of suppression. 

Think of this - a ‘secret’ can kind of “eat someone alive” inside. One innocently, unknowingly, builds a story around the holding of a ‘secret’. Shame, guilt, unworthiness, etc, these all describe how that holding of the ‘secret’ feels. It is how that belief, or, ‘that which you ate’, feels. One who continues to suffer is one who refuses to express and or refuses to allow the body to empty the belief(s) out - to let that ‘secret’ go. When we do express, when we do be willing to talk or write about whatever it is, we start feeling better. Once it’s “up & out”… in hindseight - in truth I am saying to you, in all the honesty in my being - whatever it was is then seen to be, not a big deal at all. The “BIG DEAL” is then seen to have been - the resistance - to the truth. In this case that Truth is - there is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with your voice. 

 

In the larger sense yes but we’re still individuals in this physical world.Would you be stoked if all of a sudden you started to feel like you’re literally being an old lady or a toddler? 

I do understand what you’re saying. What you’re experiencing is the discord between what you know (which is from direct experience)… and what you believe (which is stuff you’ve heard, and is not from your own direct experience). 

Is there some sort of spiritual practice/technique or anything I can use to fix my problem?

You must first recognize and understand the ‘pickle’ you are in. You are believing something is needed so that you can feel better, and you are looking for what that something is. You can of course do this, and there are somethings that indeed will help you feel better, such as medications, therapy, etc - and I very much suggest you do what helps with where you’re at. No one else is in your shoes in this way, so you gotta weigh things out for yourself, and choose for yourself.  
 

BUT, you’ve been doing that and these things are not adding up to feeling better, and this leads essentially, to thoughts about escaping. So overall my suggestion is to do what you have not yet done - which is not to continue to believe something is wrong with you or your voice. Not to look to add more - but to look to your own judgements, your own beliefs, and begin to express them, as the very means of understanding & thus, feeling better. 

Then - not right this second reading this (do not hold that expectation) - but upon the direct experience of expressing, opening up, “sharing the secret”, letting it go - THEN you will feel a bit better, and a bit better, and a bit better, and momentum of TRUTH ? is underway… and you will be feeling - Good. As in, Goodness. REAL good. Actual, Good. Who you REALLY are! Not - the beliefs! 

 

Is there some sort of spiritual practice/technique or anything I can use to fix my problem?

(Imo) The ‘Proper’ question would therefore be…

Is there some sort of spiritual practice/technique or anything which I can use - to let go - to release - to let this body empty out this belief…?

YES. Absolutely, YES. There is. 

(This, for you, is opinion, which is shared from this direct experience…)  
The words on this page will do nothing for you. You must do - directly experience what these words point to - to see that indeed, in fact, without any exception - it does in that regard “work”. 

What you’ll be letting go of - is the belief something is wrong with you. 

A big part of this feeling better is putting some heart into this. You gotta choose to feel better. You gotta do it,  which is to say, you gotta learn to relax, and breathe, and allow the body to do it’s thing it does so so so well - and barf that belief right outta ya. Yes, it ‘tastes’ pretty terrible as it come up & out. This is WAY better than continuing to hold the ‘secret’, the belief, as you already most unfortunately from direct experience, know. A therapist really shines here, as they can help you to ‘stay in the room’ or ‘be where you are’, and this helps with reassuring you that you are safe and sound, it’s just beliefs coming up & out - you are fine. 

(In addition to therapy) 
Google, Youtube, research, Martin Ball. Listen to him. Be open minded to what he says. He is speaking from direct experience. He knows exactly what he’s talking about. Zero fluff. That is all the difference in the world. I mention him because he focuses a lot on what I also came to call ‘the up & out’. The things he suggests will make all the difference in the world in regard to what you are experiencing and how you are feeling. The old habitual if you will response to the body when it’s emptying beliefs, has been contraction & suppression. Listen to his material, but in a nutshell he is directing you instead to expression, via the body.

Like instead of curling up in a ball on the chair… ruminating or ‘spiraling’ ….   standing up straight, extending your arms, taking in big deep stomach breaths and letting them out slowly - being a partner on board with the body and allowing it to do what it so infinitely intelligently does. 

Again, you, your direct experience of this, that is where it’s at. Do not make the mistake of expecting to feel better by reading this and thinking about it. That is like thinking about water, which is not at all the same as getting wet. Be willing to get wet. I promise, I guarantee, if you do, if you choose to express, to release, to allow, you will be most glad you did. 

 

In the larger sense yes but we’re still individuals in this physical world.Would you be stoked if all of a sudden you started to feel like you’re literally being an old lady or a toddler? 

Having said all that, the answer like it or not, understand it or not, is very much yes. To you, I am a man. To me, I am not. I am the old lady. I am the toddler. I do love it - because I very, very much love, me. 

Love is unconditional and readily available to all, to clean discordant beliefs right outta ya. 

I say this with the understanding of a most key distinction, which in your stubbornness (sorry, I love you, but you are being very stubborn) you are not yet aware of, and that is that what you are feeling is not that you’re becoming an ‘old lady’ or a ‘toddler’ or anyone whatsoever. The horrible feeling you are feeling is the resistance, or, if you will, the stubbornness. 

Let go. Let God. Let Love. Let the body. Whatever mentally ‘gets you there’, by God my good man - let go!

 

 

[Thought Art]

Wait, you wanna kill yourself for feeling masculine? 

You should speak to a psychologist. 

Just give it time.

It sounds like there is something else going on with you.

Just be patient and relax. Call a suicide help line and speak to them.

I've had plenty of suicidal thoughts in my life I know it well. I now call the help line right away when it happens so I am not alone with those thoughts.

You are loved, and perfect.

Edited December 11, 2021 by Thought Art

[Apple Juice]

4 hours ago, Thought Art said:

Wait, you wanna kill yourself for feeling masculine? 

I wanna kill myself for not feeling like "who I am" anymore.

There's nothing wrong with being a super manly Mr. Testosterone dude per se, but that's not my thing.Yet I'm stuck with the subonscious belief that I am that and it's horrible af.

[Apple Juice]

Thanks everybody for your love and support, it means a lot to me ? ❤️

[Thought Art]

@Apple Juice Look man, change is constant.

The problem may be that you've constructed an identity of who you are. That was just a mask you were wearing and identified with. If it changed, then that wasn't really who you are.

That is a painful lesson for a lot of people but, in the end its gonna free you up for more and more joy and freedom than you can currently imagine.