Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

To the change space,

You are the space within me that is and isn't my identity at the same time. It feels both comfortable and uncomfortable being in this space, this is where I am acting out of time and in time at the same time. In identifying you, I can covet you, like my favourite marbles. I can use you as a potion to resonate with to spark actions that lead me to making the changes I need to create the growth I wish in my life. You are the "change space", you run both for and against my identity, you tap into some of the deeper aspects of me and you represent a strong symbol from time, place and idea while at the same time a strong symbol for growth, positive work and gratitude.

This is the change space, I will use her, as I'm calling her a she, and she is going to be represented as an angel that I can call upon when I am doing my heart work here and when I need to carry out difficult tasks like calling upon my childhood self to be inside my body to help light up my heart.

Her name will be Kirsty (so I'm always reminded by my best childhood friend).

Edited September 3, 2021 by Esilda

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

Exactly.

Feeling whole by ourselves is the best.

"It´s better to not have company at all then walking with fools"

I think that´s so true haha

 

Oh, isn't that just the truth! Good grief, people can be exhausting!

But, your vibe attracts your tribe, so they say - and I think I finally found my tribe

And how dearly I love you all, you wonderful, beautiful people 

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

"Environment is but our looking glass" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

In a very twisted, but practical way.

If you can´t stand the world and other people you in the same vain can´t stand yourself to some degree.

Because you are everything.

In fact, you created this universe in the first place.

I am you and you are me.

We are eternal mirrors reflecting into each other.

You don´t like someone?

Look into your heart and feel what it is.

Because it probably shows you a part of yourself you haven´t integrated and accepted yet.

 

For example:

All of the troll that were attacking us made me realise that i still need to fully integrate stage red.

At the moment my rage is still unhealthy and not directed and used for anything constructive or good.

So in the end.

Being trolled was a blessing lmao

[Esilda]

... you guys lol  

[Esilda]

 

[Esilda]

[Esilda]

@lxlichael

What do you know about inner child work?

Still haven't gotten back to me on the other questions by the way...

[RickyFitts]

3 hours ago, Marcel said:

@RickyFitts

"Environment is but our looking glass" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

In a very twisted, but practical way.

If you can´t stand the world and other people you in the same vain can´t stand yourself to some degree.

Because you are everything.

In fact, you created this universe in the first place.

I am you and you are me.

We are eternal mirrors reflecting into each other.

You don´t like someone?

Look into your heart and feel what it is.

Because it probably shows you a part of yourself you haven´t integrated and accepted yet.

I know, it's so true - I'm working on it! Mind you, I think there are times when we need our own personal space, too, and as people awaken they often gravitate away from people with whom they're no longer a vibrational match (I've experienced this myself), I do think we need to be careful about who we associate with. That's the great thing about forums like this, you can find people who are on a similar sort of wavelength to you and you can help each other along  

3 hours ago, Marcel said:

For example:

All of the troll that were attacking us made me realise that i still need to fully integrate stage red.

At the moment my rage is still unhealthy and not directed and used for anything constructive or good.

So in the end.

Being trolled was a blessing lmao

I love this, this is such a mature way of looking at it  

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda Really excellent resources, thanks for sharing!

[Esilda]

To my awareness (growing my self awareness  )

I was clearly taken advantage of, what was it that prevented me from seeing this?

What is it in my childhood that I need to heal?

I was clearly under appreciated, so again on the above.

I was clearly lied to and I even accepted those lies, so again on the above.

I was clearly manipulated and I even accepted this manipulation, so again on the above.

I was clearly disrespected and I let that disrespect slide too many times (wasn't just playful, so serious emotional disrespect), so again on the above.

I was clearly acknowledged for my own self worth, so again on the above.

i was clearly not loved in the way that real love is, so again on the above.

I was clearly invalidated emotionally, mentally and physically continually, so again on the above.

I was clearly in denial of all of this continually, so again on the above.

 

I can accept being aware and I believe I am self aware but I still let all this happen @lxlichael, I really appreciate the support though, like really it means a lot to me  .it's heartbreaking but these tears are my salvation because to just admit all of this to myself and so openly as I am now instead of being in fear is its own kind of healing that adds to my own self discovery.

[Esilda]

3 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

@Esilda Really excellent resources, thanks for sharing!

 You're welcome @RickyFitts thank you for sharing your resources and support as well!

@Marcel you too!

I am very open minded so if anyone wishes to share any resources they've truly found useful I'd be very welcoming of them  .

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Esilda said:

 You're welcome @RickyFitts thank you for sharing your resources and support as well!

@Marcel you too!

I am very open minded so if anyone wishes to share any resources they've truly found useful I'd be very welcoming of them  .

Oh you're very welcome, darl

Speaking of resources, I figured you might find the following video of use, I watched it a little while back and thought it was very good:

 

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts Thanks much appreciation, will get back to you on my impressions!  

[Esilda]

To love,

I know that my ideas about you need to change and change here is to a higher level of maturity. Where I go with you doesn't have to be the final destination as maturation is ongoing but I know that obviously some of my ideas of love have hurt me so I won't attract the relationship I deserve until I evolve. 

My father taught me that it was okay for my partner to be cold, dismissive and distant in love, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that is supportive, loving and devoted. My mother taught me that it was okay to be used, disrespected and abused in relationships, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that actively demonstrates appreciation through their respect and seeks to communicate with me at a higher level when we need to work through our issues. Both my parents taught me to fantasise about their love as it did not exist the way I wanted it to in reality, I had to fantasise that they really loved me in order to believe that they really loved me and look at all of their actions as though they were coming from a place of love. 

This last one is the biggest wound of all, projecting love where none exists and worse, where there is abuse. I have to realise that my past conditioned patterns are a weapon used against me only by myself and not even my potential partner, they're just reacting to what's already there.

[RickyFitts]

@Esilda You're very welcome, would love to hear your thoughts on it  

There are a couple of very goods books on trauma that I know of that you might find useful, too, if you're interested, you can always read the first few pages on Amazon in the following links to get a flavour of them - 'Healing Trauma' by Peter A. Levine, and 'How To Do The Work' by Dr. Nicole Le Pera, which Gianna mentioned elsewhere on the forum (in this thread - she may even be able to send you a digital copy if you're interested).

[Marcel]

3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I know, it's so true - I'm working on it! Mind you, I think there are times when we need our own personal space, too, and as people awaken they often gravitate away from people with whom they're no longer a vibrational match (I've experienced this myself), I do think we need to be careful about who we associate with. That's the great thing about forums like this, you can find people who are on a similar sort of wavelength to you and you can help each other along  

I love this, this is such a mature way of looking at it  

My social circle does not exist. 

I have no friends.

Besides my lovely girlfriend of course. ( That i also meet on this forum, mind you )

Why do you think that is?

Because it is very rear that i really resonate with anyone hehe

 

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel I hate to say it, but I've always preferred solitude for the most part, there aren't that many people I've especially wanted to hang around with  Always used to feel like there was something wrong with me for feeling that way (I remember thinking when I was at university that I really needed to make an effort to be more sociable - didn't really happen!), but it's just never really felt like that much of a need for me. That feeling's only gotten stronger the more conscious I've become, too, though maybe that'll start to change as my heart opens up.

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

Been there and done that as well.

Solitude is the best.

[Esilda]

6 hours ago, Esilda said:

To my awareness (growing my self awareness  )

I was clearly taken advantage of, what was it that prevented me from seeing this?

What is it in my childhood that I need to heal?

I was clearly under appreciated, so again on the above.

I was clearly lied to and I even accepted those lies, so again on the above.

I was clearly manipulated and I even accepted this manipulation, so again on the above.

I was clearly disrespected and I let that disrespect slide too many times (wasn't just playful, so serious emotional disrespect), so again on the above.

I was clearly acknowledged for my own self worth, so again on the above.

i was clearly not loved in the way that real love is, so again on the above.

I was clearly invalidated emotionally, mentally and physically continually, so again on the above.

I was clearly in denial of all of this continually, so again on the above.

 

I can accept being aware and I believe I am self aware but I still let all this happen @lxlichael, I really appreciate the support though, like really it means a lot to me  .it's heartbreaking but these tears are my salvation because to just admit all of this to myself and so openly as I am now instead of being in fear is its own kind of healing that adds to my own self discovery.

3 hours ago, Esilda said:

To love,

I know that my ideas about you need to change and change here is to a higher level of maturity. Where I go with you doesn't have to be the final destination as maturation is ongoing but I know that obviously some of my ideas of love have hurt me so I won't attract the relationship I deserve until I evolve. 

My father taught me that it was okay for my partner to be cold, dismissive and distant in love, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that is supportive, loving and devoted. My mother taught me that it was okay to be used, disrespected and abused in relationships, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that actively demonstrates appreciation through their respect and seeks to communicate with me at a higher level when we need to work through our issues. Both my parents taught me to fantasise about their love as it did not exist the way I wanted it to in reality, I had to fantasise that they really loved me in order to believe that they really loved me and look at all of their actions as though they were coming from a place of love. 

This last one is the biggest wound of all, projecting love where none exists and worse, where there is abuse. I have to realise that my past conditioned patterns are a weapon used against me only by myself and not even my potential partner, they're just reacting to what's already there.

10 hours ago, Esilda said:

To the change space,

You are the space within me that is and isn't my identity at the same time. It feels both comfortable and uncomfortable being in this space, this is where I am acting out of time and in time at the same time. In identifying you, I can covet you, like my favourite marbles. I can use you as a potion to resonate with to spark actions that lead me to making the changes I need to create the growth I wish in my life. You are the "change space", you run both for and against my identity, you tap into some of the deeper aspects of me and you represent a strong symbol from time, place and idea while at the same time a strong symbol for growth, positive work and gratitude.

This is the change space, I will use her, as I'm calling her a she, and she is going to be represented as an angel that I can call upon when I am doing my heart work here and when I need to carry out difficult tasks like calling upon my childhood self to be inside my body to help light up my heart.

Her name will be Kirsty (so I'm always reminded by my best childhood friend).

 

 

I want to change but where is this change coming from? 

I feel I should make it come from love but I also feel I need to update my definitions of love as I say here because as I say here my notions of love have now been under attack so I won't feel that sense of safety I usually get from love.

If its not love then what's the alternative? Everything is lesser.

What drives greater healing than love? But healthy love... 

I feel I should be updating my experiences of love while also at the same time moving into love to create these changes.

All of this has consequences for all of my other world views as said here so this is why this heart work isn't easy, I feel we should always have a movement towards subtlety. 

[Esilda]

3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

@Esilda You're very welcome, would love to hear your thoughts on it  

There are a couple of very goods books on trauma that I know of that you might find useful, too, if you're interested, you can always read the first few pages on Amazon in the following links to get a flavour of them - 'Healing Trauma' by Peter A. Levine, and 'How To Do The Work' by Dr. Nicole Le Pera, which Gianna mentioned elsewhere on the forum (in this thread - she may even be able to send you a digital copy if you're interested).