Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

Have I been lost my whole life?

Was I meant to live my life in a lost way?

Where is home if there ever was home?

I feel at the centre of it that's where my betrayal lies. 

At the centre of home. 

Home betrayed me.

And because home betrayed me it feels like the entire nature of life betrayed me.

At the centre of my heart, I know that's where home is. I know this is the place that I am meant to protect, love and respect.

I realise this now, like I never have before. 

I feel like there was no home because my home is my heart and my heart has been broken so many times with my last boyfriend being the last person involved here.

It had to happen I guess.

[Esilda]

This energy that I feel pulsating through me, surely it must mean something, surely this lives beyond the dream that I was stuck in. This connection, I don't know what it is or who you are, maybe my energy is just manifesting in ways I haven't experienced for a long time. At the tip of its bridge if I lean on it slightly I can feel the depths of my pain easily sink into endless sorrow but amidst everything greater I can feel a soft resonance, it changes and transforms in ways I cannot comprehend. There's so many changing shapes and sounds that sing these words. Every inkling, every slightest movement, changes everything felt, experienced. 

[Esilda]

Who wants to live in a dream anyway?

I want to live in feeling.

[Esilda]

To feel, to know.

[Esilda]

The rush of the earth runs through me, I can see my childhood home. The way I used to move through the grass. The way I used to momentarily think about their next door neighbours with their endlessly barking dog. I can feel the treses as they moved back and fourth all throughout my early childhood as I slowly grew. I can hear the footsteps of people moving around in the house. My life history has never appeared so vividly as it is to me now sitting in my feeling body as I am in this moment. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

I want to access my whole life through feeling alone. I know this is how I will find him. When my heart is no longer heavy and it feels like home, the only home I ever could have had outside of true love and connection. 

[RickyFitts]

Your desire and passion is so beautiful and strong, Esilda. So is your anger, sorrow, vulnerability, fear - all of it, and you express it so beautifully and fearlessly.

I love you so fucking much, my darling. Keep going.

[RickyFitts]

 

[Marcel]

3 hours ago, Esilda said:

@Marcel I thought it was him.

I felt so naive and yet I have to become naive all over again in order to experience the love I've always wanted.

To hear him understand me in all of his richness, for me to understand him. How do I speak from the heart like I once did before in complete surrender to nature? 

Where was I in all of this? 

Caught in my mirror dream, my illusions of love, and then when it all happened I felt like all the colours and the lights were sucked from the room. 

How do I open my heart and keep it open? How do I open my heart and keep it open? That's all that is running through me at the moment. 

I feel so petrified. 

 

He can´t give you what you want.

He is already eternally taken.

But he will be there for you if you need him.

He thinks that you are his big sister that he never had.

He was always alone without any siblings.

He wants the two of you to become close friends.

 

How do you keep your heart open?

 

You just do it.

You let all of your pains and emotions run through you freely and you do not give a fuck about anyones opinions or attacks on them.

 

You have been betrayed several times throughout your life.

Listen, I want you to understand that it never was about you.

They betrayed you because of their own internal struggles and when somebody is going down they might just pull somebody else with them.

And unfortunately you have been in the middle of this betrayal your whole life.

You are like an angel rising to the skies with a ton of Ballast chained to your ankles.

And as long as you keep flying, all of the dead weight will eventually take care of itself.

You just need to keep going big sister. 

I believe in you.

Never lock back and heal yourself.

Cry your eyes out if you need to.

Punch the walls and scream if you need to.

Let all of it go.

All of these feeling served you in the past, but you can let them go now, its ok.

Let all of it flow out of you.

Write it down on a piece of paper and burn it.

 

 

[Esilda]

@Marcel

[Esilda]

I feel like there's a reforming of my boundaries taking place.

As I travel back into the past I feel my emotional body changing shape when I address the wrong.

I have been so disrespected by my family in my life that I perceived it as normal.

I have not had enough understanding of my boundaries.

 

[Esilda]

Cheating on someone has to be the ultimate form of disrespect.

Yet so many of us let it go on.

We forgive our partners.

We allow them to bypass our emotional boundary here only to give them the opportunity to hurt us again and again. 

[Esilda]

@modmyth 

I have so many mixed emotions running through me right now I'm not sure what to believe. But it will all surface with enough iterations.

It does not make sense that I was so caught in the dream of my forever believing that they would be the one when now that I look back at things properly were always disrespecting me in subtle ways.

My forever would not treat me that way, my forever would love me, support me, grow with me.

If my forever exists they exist under the health of what truly makes me a better and more whole person.

I created a dream out of someone that I wanted to truly love me not someone who really did love me. 

This ultimately goes to the trauma of the way that I was brought up which I'm now beginning to see how its impacted the behaviours that have grown in me.

I hope you find the healing we both need .

Edited August 31, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

How do I search for and nurse the wounds of him?

How do I speak to him like he's never been spoken to before?

How do I reach into his soul and make him feel understood like he's never been understood?

How do I show him love not through a dream of my own temptations but through a dream of understanding?

How do I not let my past wounds corrupt my chances with what I know in my heart I can welcome into my life?

How do I console myself, with him and without him?

[IAmReallyImportant]

9 minutes ago, Esilda said:

How do I search for and nurse the wounds of him?

How do I speak to him like he's never been spoken to before?

How do I reach into his soul and make him feel understood like he's never been understood?

How do I show him love not through a dream of my own temptations but through a dream of understanding?

How do I not let my past wounds corrupt my chances with what I know in my heart I can welcome into my life?

How do I console myself, with him and without him?

For me it looks like your contemplations are focused on the details of conditions  rather than the underlying beliefs that produce unwanted feelings. If you focus on something you get more of it.

However, the objective you want to focus on is feeling better or self love. So the question would be "what is in the way?". Your construction of reality which is based on beliefs. Maybe of course Bryian Katie or existential contemplation (not rumination) helps as well as treating yourself good and make a habit out of it. Like e.g. an appreciation journal. I don't know how much of this you are already doing. But it helped me a lot. 

[Esilda]

3 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

For me it looks like your contemplations are focused on the details of conditions  rather than the underlying beliefs that produce unwanted feelings. If you focus on something you get more of it.

However, the objective you want to focus on is feeling better or self love. So the question would be "what is in the way?". Your construction of reality which is based on beliefs. Maybe of course Bryian Katie or existential contemplation (not rumination) helps as well as treating yourself good and make a habit out of it. Like e.g. an appreciation journal. I don't know how much of this you are already doing. But it helped me a lot. 

Please don't tell me how to think about my emotions.

THIS is a transmutation process.

[Esilda]

15 minutes ago, modmyth said:

@Esilda  Well, I hope you figure it out, truly.

Do you ever worry that it's impossible to have this notion of a "forever person" without it intrinsically being imbued with excessive, impossible idealism and... fiction, no matter what you do or intend? And all of the issues that tend to come with that? Especially when you say this:

I tend to believe myself now that it's pretty hopeless. Not that I want to run around crushing people's idealism. And honestly, if you've been crushed before, and you still have idealism in you still.... make you can "make it" still. I don't think that I do have it in me.

You have your own path of course and I wish you the best on this journey.

Is this something that you have arrived at after your healing or are you still a part of your journey? 

15 minutes ago, modmyth said:

Like I just don't know if there's any gold pot at the end of the rainbow other than "you". And when you're "you", what can't you see clearly, or make work on some authentic basis? And without it... what can you possibly do except for maybe to have those few moments that slip away?

I lacked so much authenticity in my relationship with him because I was caught in a dream, I realise that I never properly tried to make him understand my needs and what I needed in our relationship. So I was used as a doormat. That tells me as well though that he never knew how to make space for me to understand him. I had a fantasy of closeness while he was in reality truly distant. 

15 minutes ago, modmyth said:

It's said that it's both "fate" or something like "soul contracts" which makes it so that, "karmically speaking (quotes because I don't really believe in much of this stuff anymore as I used to from where I am now) where you meet someone and you can manage to sustain it, because say you can get what you need from it somehow, some needed exchange or growth. But the opposite is true too if it doesn't work out.

I'm not so sure that growth or exchange is a part of my value set for any such contract, for me it would just be based totally in love. Growth is something that we do together as a part of our love. 

15 minutes ago, modmyth said:

And where do these forever people come from anyway, like who decides that they're for us other than us? I've spent a long time thinking about this from a lot of angles.

It takes both some time and some energy, hey?

There are so many questions we still don't know the answer to in life, if we ask what is darkness when all that we have known is darkness we will never get the answer to it if we are always in darkness. It doesn't mean darkness doesn't exist though or that there isn't an answer. 

More and more now (post below the one you replied to) for me it is really just about shared understanding, is it not? Life has brought me this lesson that my dream of pure fantasy is only going destroy me utterly and completely psychologically. A dream, so fantasy, of understanding sounds a whole lot better as a foundation for maintaining and strengthening love.  

When our lives are thrown together coming from distinct histories but I feel a strong connection with this other guy and he does me too, if we have both have had trauma then are they not the exact obstacles we will face in maintaining our connection if our wounds go unresolved?

For me its becoming the case of, if we fail, we need to change, its not that we destroy our idealism its that we give it new form. For me I spent my whole 2 years with him simply lost in the trance of how he would repay his debt for all that I had done for him only to be met with utter disappointment and hurt which has taken me over 12 months to recover from. I have become totally disillusioned from my experiences. When I discovered the ultimate betrayal I had lost total trust and faith and everyone around me, my mind went into total chaos and it took me weeks to truly find some emotional base grab onto, which was only one hand on the edge of a cliff that I could have easily fallen from if I ever got triggered.

I've realised now how important it is for me to travel into my past and heal the wounds of my mistreatment to find myself anew in the physical world, that without, I am stuck in the unconscious dreams of my past that bring me into further unconsciousness of the present by ignoring the obvious signs and instead clinging to my dreams of a partner.

 

[Esilda]

To my mother,

Was I really so insignificant in your significance?

I spent so many months in your stomach and this was the respect you showed me in my life form while you went parading around saying what a blessing in disguise I was during your stages of pregnancy.

The lies, the manipulation, the hate, the poor impulse control, the physical abuse, the emotional outbursts. 

As I write these words I feel my tears of hurt well up in my eyes, further pain added to this with a hint of satisfaction by realising that these tears will be your only form of redemption. 

[Esilda]

I feel myself becoming so much more expressive... I feel like I'm learning to trust myself in a new way...

[Marcel]

@Esilda

I still love reading your posts. 

Their just so heartwarming.

You go girl