Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

 

@SLuxy I'm not really a YouTube person outside of music and basic recreational. Video goes too slow. Books. 

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read  . This is why I asked for notes! Just list the notes here if you watched it you should have them right? 

[SLuxy]

I see. I see.

I cannot send my notes. I mix in personal content with my notetaking.

Also, there's something to this video. There really is 

[Esilda]

@lxlichael I realise as well that listening is so important inside just as much as outside but I now you meant that as a part of what you said I just wanted to add that . Also the link I want you to look at, you said you were interested in my comments on the heart right?  I was feeling into the idea of applying active listening to heart and energy work  .

[Esilda]

To my betrayal,

What beliefs did you hold onto to create said betrayal? What things do you need to understand about people before engaging into any kind of intimacy with a person in future? What were the patterns of said person that led to the betrayal that I could have seen better at the start? 

Maybe he wasn't as sentimental as I thought? Maybe he had a pattern of cheating on partners in the past that I wasn't aware of? Why would I conclude that once was the only time? That was simply the one time I found out.

How could you just coldly do that to a person when you had spent so much time being with them? It's psychopathic.

 

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

To my betrayal,

My heart hurts and will continue to hurt so long as I have the same beliefs in this world that contributed to said pain. My heart will not become fully open until I learn to fully take on the new changes I need to take on which will protect my heart in the future. The pain continues to exist because my heart does not feel fully protected and I am still partly in love, its a love that I haven't learned to fully shake from myself. Can I 'shake it from myself'? Is this something that can be done? 

[Esilda]

To my love,

Why do I feel the need to care about this person still? Why do I subject myself to this kind of torture? The torture of caring about them so strongly when they have clearly betrayed me and they would do it again and again at their leisure? What do I do with this love? Do I step on it? Do I recycle it? Do I simply speak to it? What is it that I do here that would solve this conundrum? Why can't I just let fully go? Is it the dream that I cannot let go of or is it the lover? If I attached the dream to a different person then it has nothing to do with the person right? If I subtract the dream from the person then I can just allow things to be and move on, yes? Then perhaps this is neither about my love or my betrayal but my propensity towards dreaming that must be healed?

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

 To my love,

What was it that created you? Why did you become possessed by this? You ate from the tree of love but you did not check to see if the fruit was ripe. The tree of love, I love this metaphor. Is this is the lesson I am supposed to learn? It sounds so simple and elegant. He was just on the tree of love and I ate something that I shouldn't have yet or even maybe I ate from the wrong tree this is possible too. 

[Esilda]

@lxlichael hey hero  

just busy. will get back to you

[Marcel]

@Esilda

Maybe he just never was in a situation like this before.

Being unexperienced with love and intimate connections ultimately will hurt someone and in this case it was unfortunately you.

He did not even realise that he was betraying you and was very surprised to discover it, which is the same reason why he wants to support you to the best of his limited wisdom and ability.

He never wanted you to be hurt and in pain.

But, this pain will transform you.

This is an end and a new beginning for you.

You will not be a doormat to anyone and you will be able to see people for who they are because you can see through and understand all of their intentions and behaviours without judgement, but with empathy and compassion.

He can only apologise.

He had feelings for you, but not of romantic or sexual nature.

He has feelings for you. In a platonic sense, as close friends. As a big sister.

After all.

He still feels super comfortable around you big sister.

And would not want to miss your company.

And he never wanted to hurt you.

He apologises.

 

 

 

[SLuxy]

13 hours ago, SLuxy said:

@Esilda hahaha I think that is precisely why you must watch the video.

These videos are what give meaning to life.

Just remembered!

There is an Actualized.org textbook floating around the forum somewhere.

If you search for it, I'm sure you'll find it. It has notes for loads of videos!

 

Further note:

Apologies. My intuition tells me some aspects of my previous posts, notably my vagueness, were ego-driven.

Edited September 2, 2021 by SLuxy

[Esilda]

6 hours ago, Marcel said:

@Esilda

Maybe he just never was in a situation like this before.

Being unexperienced with love and intimate connections ultimately will hurt someone and in this case it was unfortunately you.

He did not even realise that he was betraying you and was very surprised to discover it, which is the same reason why he wants to support you to the best of his limited wisdom and ability.

He never wanted you to be hurt and in pain.

But, this pain will transform you.

This is an end and a new beginning for you.

You will not be a doormat to anyone and you will be able to see people for who they are because you can see through and understand all of their intentions and behaviours without judgement, but with empathy and compassion.

He can only apologise.

He had feelings for you, but not of romantic or sexual nature.

He has feelings for you. In a platonic sense, as close friends. As a big sister.

After all.

He still feels super comfortable around you big sister.

And would not want to miss your company.

And he never wanted to hurt you.

He apologises.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing your wisdom @Marcel that is sooo kind of you  

 

[Esilda]

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

@Esilda Concerning Star Wars (you mentioned on one of my journals), I enjoyed it for its time. I'm at the point where I can't sit down and enjoy a film or show unless its a bonding experience with another person now though, so its like I either need to be stimulated with oxytocin with the person I'm with or the show is just 'on my level'. The latter isn't going to happen anymore so it becomes an exercise of simply analysing culture, you mentioned you studied sociology? It runs parallel to my experience of most forms of entertainment. When I'm with someone though its so fascinating because then my mind becomes all about empathising with the person that I'm watching it with.

Hmm... Do you find that this is different for films where the acting is just amazing and it requires you to use a lot of empathy to take in the emotional richness of the film? I think I just found a flaw in how you view entertainment, that this is an exception to how you normally process things.... Please tell me if I'm wrong though that's just my intuition... ... because if you're there happy to empathise with the experience of the person enjoying the film, surely in the case of great acting and moments that require strong empathy in a well done film that still might be pretty culturally skewed... you'd be still having the same response.... My guess is strong character profile films that align here would be best here for you.

[Esilda]

I'm intuiting that I coudl predict a lot more things about you based on your answers here as well, also if I asked a few more questions...

Quote

One exercise that I recommend is listing all of the negatives and weaknesses of the person inclusive of their character to establish the patterns for understanding their actions. You seem to be a fan of Jordan Peterson's work, right (you linked a video on one of the previous pages)? What he talks about as you know is the idea of how damaging events can leave massive holes in our maps of reality and the dissonance of that can in your words, damage and bring dissonance to the heart. It isn't until we fill in the holes on maps that our hearts will adequately begin to heal and I think the work you're doing that is on the right page here especially your pursuit in implementing what I talk about in Flow Social (journal), they're highly related and I believe that if you connected all three this would provide you with the substance you need to move forward, if not at least make some progress on important areas. To look at this from a higher level of abstraction, we an see all of these from the constituents of self awareness, awareness rests on our maps and reflexively moves back and fourth between the known and unknown in this way which has a direct link to our hearts, signal/ratio here, so its important to see that its not that there's a problem with self awareness but that self awareness is an important part of healing where we actively take part in bringing greater awareness to the understanding of self inclusive of heart by subjecting awareness to organising itself relative to the distinct parts of self. "Filling in the holes of our map" is analogous to "catering to all the aspects of self / filling those holes", to become whole. 

@lxlichael You're totally right but its such a drag, I'm not a superwoman with my awareness yet. You still haven't got back to me about active listening but I'm finding what I said was useful in how I said I would apply it to heart work.

I feel that I'm definitely starting to Map your Meanings more and more . I hope this is a case of you don't mind at all.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

To all of my emotional spaces,

You surround me, you hold me, you nurse me, you heal me, you hurt me, you move in all sorts of ways that you define me. 

With every texture, colour, note and rhythm of feeling you vibrate, oscillate and resonate to create and define me.

I am nothing without you though I want to be free from you like a bird wants to fly away for the first time from its nest. 

I feel like my emotions are a pool and I am learning to swim in them still, that I'm still moved by the tides, waves and motions of every ripple still. 

That I can't get a handle on 'me', the life that wants to spring from experiences that tied me down. I am lost in many ways, like an echo trying to find its way out of a cave I just take every direction I can and hope my sound can still reach the end. This feeling I want to embrace that takes me beyond caring anymore but caring some more, so that my freedom is as great as the love that I want to create with those I see as special and give to those who I know are in need.

Lost without a trace are many aspects of me, all this heart communication I am now doing is revealing many more senses than what we describe and I don't know completely where its going to take me. More space and new space, emotions... my love... 

 

[Esilda]

.... re-reading my journal 

[Esilda]

Everytime I travel into the past, I am reminded of this disconnect between trying to be a certain way and true authenticity. The past creates the unity I need when go there in my heart, where I feel into the impressions of the past more than think about them. It is the feeling of the impressions that reminds me of my aliveness, who cares about facts really, my feelings create the facts, they help me find my truth and not for comfort but to simply feel into my core wholly and fully so that I am not distorted by what happened in my experiences and instead I feel the strength of the truth of how I was feeling. This teaches me so much, that everything is beautiful, that it was just the facts that made me not fully see into my aliveness. Who really cares about the mind, who really cares about time, there is just feeling and when we change this vibration all of reality changes in way. How can I connect with a true lover if I am not this way?

[Esilda]

Let me just lay here, on the grass feeling the sun warm my cheeks. Experience the tinge of my skin tanning, the comfort of simply being alive. Since when did happiness ever become a thing of the mind? This just seems so obtuse to me, just as long as we're feeling good in our bodies what do we need? I feel like, all I need from life sometimes is simply the feelings within my body and experiencing their love. Who said love is an emotion? Maybe love is all of the emotions we just need to release the mind feel into them within the body and then feel a more alive heart. I don't know if reality exists when I feel into my awareness here, somebody told me this I didn't say it, we get told all these silly things right. This is the experience within my emotional life the more I acknowledge the perfect beauty of them all. Home was always within me as I said earlier in my journal it was just a matter of me returning there within my heart and not denying any of the experience. Nothing exists, none of it, its all a lie it really is, all of reality, I am just the ever changing flow of my emotions. This whole idea of imagination as well, its flawed, imagination doesn't exist either, there isn't a mind, there's no god, there's nothing, its just this flow, this resonance, which is all nothing, nothing but emotional love.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

@SLuxy that's okay 

[Marcel]

@Esilda

You´re posts are so beautiful and heartwarming.

I really wonder how and what you will write when your fully "at home" again.

 

[Esilda]

@Marcel  music is our abstract of emotion