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About Esilda

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    New Zealand
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  1. Back here . One step back... I need to work on my validation and approval seeking tendencies. Question to me, how is my lack of confidence related to my need for validation? How is it at all sustainable for me to maintain my confidence if I need the approval of other people? I feel like I'm at square one though at the same time I know I'm not, I've made a lot of progress with this journal it just seems that I have more work than I realised.
  2. @mandyjw
  3. I feel so embarrassed with my journal right now. I feel like deleting everything, i can't get myself to write
  4. I feel my ego opening wide open right now. That consciousness of life and death is seeing right through me. I feel her...
  5. Thank you soooo much for the encouragement . I'll be taking notes on your videos from now on I quite like them , if you want to share anymore tips say for presentation and how you talk about topics I would be grateful absolutely zero pressure here though .
  6. This is so difficult for me right now... I've fallen into a kind of depression as I have so many emotions here that I'm still figuring out how to process... I just have to keep writing, writing, writing and writing them all out... Aunt Mary, I will do all of my memories of you justice.
  7. Aunt Mary, although I never got to appreciate you until I was an adult you brought so much structure to our family network that without there would have been so much more conflict in the family lineage. Your cheerfulness, unyielding positivity and warmth. Your family get together's that forced us all to reconsider our differences if for just an evening were by far my favourite memories of being in our dysfunctional family. Now that you're gone, the separation that created our mess is left for its inevitable chaos, we have no one to bring us together anymore and I'm not so sure people respect me enough in our family for me to play that role yet because of my age and where I am in in life. Things are going to fall apart even more and I'm really worried for the family as a whole, through your example though I will remember your infectious laugh through the toughest of times. Continuing...
  8. @lxlichael ... I need some time to process this... .
  9. @lxlichael You said the name Sally in your improvisation, are you in love with her? You draw? Cool I do as well! I'm just a sketch artist mostly, I'm not so bad though I just do it for fun. What kind of scales do you do?
  10. Have been spending time grieving due to the death of a loved one for a little while now. I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to open myself back up to this journal. I hope people don't mind me saying that I'd like this journal to be relatively quiet until I'm done processing my experiences on my grieving process. Thank you so much for your understanding everyone in advance .
  11. I've never done psychedelics, I come from a pretty conservative background and my social circle mainly consists of academics and people with relatively professional jobs where there interest in the hard stuff doesn't really include too much beyond anything that is alcoholic and cigarette based or maybe they just haven't told me. It's possible they just see me as this geeky person and I'm not in the "in" of other stuff they might do because they know about my background and activities. I'm just probably being self conscious at the moment though. I wouldn't even know where to get psychedelics though I am interested. To answer the question, isn't that just about survival? Love for some people would be opposite for their sense of survival......What are you thinking?
  12. I agree that people can mis-interpret and go overboard, what have been your personal experiences with this?
  13. What science are you using?
  14. ,,,,, that was just insane, I don't even know how you can sing with that kind of passion I wish you properly recorded that now. Thank you you're right with the second, I just get lost from myself sometimes you know? I wasn't really looking for validation I did just want your feedback though I get what you mean as yeah I've completely fallen for that. Hope you enjoyed the night
  15. @lxlichael OH MY GOD how cool!!! BUT nooooooooooooooooo way, I did like 15 takes on that there's just nooo way I'm going spending time coming up with an improv and I CERTAINLY can't just "off the cuff" like that change it, shit. Did you like my cover though you didn't say anything? I want to know what your impressions, do you have feedback for me? I do singing lessons twice a week now and practice every second or so day . Look here's the white towel, have it you win . Thank you for bringing me out of my shell, I very, very rarely sing for others.