Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

I have a cat named Frank he is sooo cute, anyhow when I pat him and I feel into the experience fully I feel like I can feel into his soul, that in that moment we are energetically resonating with eachother. That he can hear my energies and I can hear his energies, a certain harmony accrues; synchronisation. This is how I want my close connections with others to be, to connect fully with their hearts, for us to harmonise together. To forget the mind completely and all the lies we've been told about its existence and just simply be, heart to heart. Frank's purr is my purr, my purr is Frank's purr. Nothing exists and nothing else has to exist for us, we are in the flow and flow doesn't need anyone or anything other than the harmonisation of connection. This is the place where love is created, its not strange then that Frank and I love each other. 

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

To my job,

I feel my ego not being appreciated enough, I feel like I'm so much like a robot... I feel like.. Oh great I have to finish this later

[Esilda]

To my patterns,

I realise now that he is just a repeating pattern in my mind, something that I've conditioned to think about over and over again. He doesn't deserve my thoughts, he doesn't deserve my emotions. What has he done for me? I don't have to give him the attention like I thought I used to, just because he appears in my mind doesn't mean that anything was meant to be it simple means that this just happens to be where my mind is at the moment. If we have a craving for some fast food we don't have the thought, "oh this must be meant to be, this must be destiny" no we just control the craving and choose a healthier choice. 

Making a commitment to becoming a healthier choice for myself, feeling into all of my thoughts and emotions. Not putting meaning there that I have no need to respect. I just need to feel into these parts within my heart, if it was really meant to be he would have treated me better, he wouldn't have betrayed me. It's just a repeating loop, that's all it is, once I come into acceptance of this it will be much easier to return home into my heart and allow my heart signal higher to my mind.

[RickyFitts]

5 hours ago, Esilda said:

I have a cat named Frank he is sooo cute, anyhow when I pat him and I feel into the experience fully I feel like I can feel into his soul, that in that moment we are energetically resonating with eachother. That he can hear my energies and I can hear his energies, a certain harmony accrues; synchronisation. This is how I want my close connections with others to be, to connect fully with their hearts, for us to harmonise together. To forget the mind completely and all the lies we've been told about its existence and just simply be, heart to heart. Frank's purr is my purr, my purr is Frank's purr. Nothing exists and nothing else has to exist for us, we are in the flow and flow doesn't need anyone or anything other than the harmonisation of connection. This is the place where love is created, its not strange then that Frank and I love each other. 

Aww Esilda, Frank's a lucky lad 

I love that you have a cat called Frank, by the way  

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts

[Esilda]

To my mind,

I know that you don't really exist, we were told a lie for so long, all I have is my heart and this is what I should have signalling to all along. The mind is just a vessel for ideas and travels, its the heart that makes the mind though. Every moment and within those moments every sensation, the heart shapes the mind continuously even if we don't feel it doing so. My mind turned him into destiny but my heart was always still left yearning. My mind thought he was mine but my heart felt lost, betrayed and abandoned. The mind is a dangerous thing if we're not feeling safe in our home, our hearts.

Edited September 2, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

TIME FOR SOME SUSHI FOR AN EARLY LUNCH!! 

[Esilda]

To my emotions,

You give me the space to see things I never would have but in your communication to my mind I also see so many conditioned patterns from my mind to heart, this is where I travel to myself, so what we call the past, when I was a little girl just feeling into all of my experiences and feeling the ebbs and flows of experience. In my surrender and seeing into those emotional experiences I see my entrapment and in that sight I am set free into love more and more. 

[Esilda]

To my paranoia and suspiciousness,

Who and what is it for and why do they concern my heart? They're just two lost souls and in the end what is it really going to matter? My heart is going to open, it'll feel freer, weigh less, I'll heal my wounds and everything will be more in a space of love. It's not my fault and it wasn't my fault, sure I could have done this and done that but in the end it really wasn't. I can simply continue to return home through my heart work and the world will continue to open for me. I can feel their energies, I can feel the tensions but what changes? Just to become more myself. My emotions make me feel really nervous sometimes, like I don't know the full story of what they tell me just that I know they tell me sometimes many more things than I realise, sometimes I see these things in dreams and all of these intuitions. It's all one grace though, it's all one turn. I can just... step over the puddle. That's what my intuition gives me.

Edited September 3, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

God what guy is going to want me once they learn of how gullible I was.

I was gullible because I was damaged so I wasn't connected to my true heart centre.

I feel so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my gullibility right now, not to mention my naivety.

Edited September 3, 2021 by Esilda

[Marcel]

@Esilda

 

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

God what guy is going to want me once they learn of how gullible I was.

I was gullible because I was damaged so I wasn't connected to my true heart centre.

I feel so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my gullibility right now, not to mention my naivety.

Your future one and only might be just as gullible and maybe even more then you.

I was at this point as well. I felt so embarrassed about being gullible in the past.

Nowadays its something i openly share and laugh about together with others.

You did the best you knew how to do.

I was gullible because I was damaged so I wasn't connected to my true heart centre.

I feel this so much.

I put up with a lot of people that definitely were not my real friends.

These people were miserable and treated me like a lesser intelligent being sometimes.

My mind could barely process what happened in my life at that time.

So i could have appeared a bit slow sometimes.

And some people really hurt me by showing me so much disrespect.

Not even openly, but subtly thinking that i would not notice it, which is even worse in my opinion.

Even both of my suicide attempts and the almost death wish i had in the past.

I felt so much shame and guilt around them that i bottled all of it up and did not talk about it for years.

But now i am finally open about everything and im getting in touch with my emotions more and more.

Which finally gives me some peace and mind.

I am starting to become happy and whole again.

 

 

Edited September 3, 2021 by Marcel

[Esilda]

@Marcel since when did we need anything other than inner heart wholeness to be happy? 

[Marcel]

2 minutes ago, Esilda said:

@Marcel since when did we need anything other than inner heart wholeness to be happy? 

Exactly.

Feeling whole by ourselves is the best.

"It´s better to not have company at all then walking with fools"

I think that´s so true haha

 

[Esilda]

To society,

I was emotionally betrayed not only by those around me but just the state of where we had arrived as humans mystically.

You carried me into this life and my mother and father were betrayed immediately when it came to raising me when I was conditioned from such a young age to seek happiness outside of simply knowing my heart.

In turn, my mother and father betrayed me.

This is generational betrayal I'm feeling at my core.

This is bringing tears to my eyes I can't write about this more right now. I can't believe we could do this to each other for so long. 

[Esilda]

Lay down, close your eyes and very peacefully ask yourself the question:

"Where does my heart want/wish to go?"

You may start to head into your imagination and this may lead to tears and many other emotions if you're in a state of receptivity, in touch with your emotions.

[Esilda]

To my childhood self,

I'm visiting you now, I need you to wakeup for me. 

Please visit me, return into my body completely and fully. 

I need you in my life right now, I need to start preparing for the world in a new way and I need you along for the ride. 

I need your curiosity, your love and your openness and I will be your anchor on the ground. 

The world is changing a lot and I need to grow my heart as quickly and deeply as possible. You're one vital ingredient for this process.

We must prepare, let me take care of you and you will be the exploration I need to make it to the other side. 

Edited September 3, 2021 by Esilda

[Esilda]

To Kirsty,

You were my childhood best friend, I remember when the very first time I met you was when we as kids were playing marbles during recess (or lunch) and I thought you stole a marble of mine and I nervously asked you to give it back and you did you were just really curious about it. You then battled me for it, I won and remember giving back your marble as well as giving you the marble you wanted of mine as a gift. I remember how at the end of the year we managed to convince the teachers to put us in the same class in our next season. We sat next together, we would draw in each others modules during class and when we both finished ahead of everyone else in the class. You would draw creative love hearts and I would draw animals with unusual features and we would copy and merge our different drawings.

Kirsty I just wanted to say that I missed you and if you're out there, I hope you're doing okay.

[RickyFitts]

6 hours ago, Esilda said:

God what guy is going to want me once they learn of how gullible I was.

I was gullible because I was damaged so I wasn't connected to my true heart centre.

I feel so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my gullibility right now, not to mention my naivety.

The key word being, of course, 'was'. But never mind the person you were, my darling - look at the person you are :

4 hours ago, Esilda said:

@Marcel since when did we need anything other than inner heart wholeness to be happy? 

You may have been naive, as we all have been in our earlier lives - and believe me, I look back at some of my past behaviour and I almost die with embarrassment  - but you found your way to maybe the most profound truth there is 

Edited September 3, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]