Trauma, my ego

[Esilda]

6 hours ago, Esilda said:

To my awareness (growing my self awareness  )

I was clearly taken advantage of, what was it that prevented me from seeing this?

What is it in my childhood that I need to heal?

I was clearly under appreciated, so again on the above.

I was clearly lied to and I even accepted those lies, so again on the above.

I was clearly manipulated and I even accepted this manipulation, so again on the above.

I was clearly disrespected and I let that disrespect slide too many times (wasn't just playful, so serious emotional disrespect), so again on the above.

I was clearly acknowledged for my own self worth, so again on the above.

i was clearly not loved in the way that real love is, so again on the above.

I was clearly invalidated emotionally, mentally and physically continually, so again on the above.

I was clearly in denial of all of this continually, so again on the above.

 

I can accept being aware and I believe I am self aware but I still let all this happen @lxlichael, I really appreciate the support though, like really it means a lot to me  .it's heartbreaking but these tears are my salvation because to just admit all of this to myself and so openly as I am now instead of being in fear is its own kind of healing that adds to my own self discovery.

3 hours ago, Esilda said:

To love,

I know that my ideas about you need to change and change here is to a higher level of maturity. Where I go with you doesn't have to be the final destination as maturation is ongoing but I know that obviously some of my ideas of love have hurt me so I won't attract the relationship I deserve until I evolve. 

My father taught me that it was okay for my partner to be cold, dismissive and distant in love, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that is supportive, loving and devoted. My mother taught me that it was okay to be used, disrespected and abused in relationships, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that actively demonstrates appreciation through their respect and seeks to communicate with me at a higher level when we need to work through our issues. Both my parents taught me to fantasise about their love as it did not exist the way I wanted it to in reality, I had to fantasise that they really loved me in order to believe that they really loved me and look at all of their actions as though they were coming from a place of love. 

This last one is the biggest wound of all, projecting love where none exists and worse, where there is abuse. I have to realise that my past conditioned patterns are a weapon used against me only by myself and not even my potential partner, they're just reacting to what's already there.

10 hours ago, Esilda said:

To the change space,

You are the space within me that is and isn't my identity at the same time. It feels both comfortable and uncomfortable being in this space, this is where I am acting out of time and in time at the same time. In identifying you, I can covet you, like my favourite marbles. I can use you as a potion to resonate with to spark actions that lead me to making the changes I need to create the growth I wish in my life. You are the "change space", you run both for and against my identity, you tap into some of the deeper aspects of me and you represent a strong symbol from time, place and idea while at the same time a strong symbol for growth, positive work and gratitude.

This is the change space, I will use her, as I'm calling her a she, and she is going to be represented as an angel that I can call upon when I am doing my heart work here and when I need to carry out difficult tasks like calling upon my childhood self to be inside my body to help light up my heart.

Her name will be Kirsty (so I'm always reminded by my best childhood friend).

 

 

I want to change but where is this change coming from? 

I feel I should make it come from love but I also feel I need to update my definitions of love as I say here because as I say here my notions of love have now been under attack so I won't feel that sense of safety I usually get from love.

If its not love then what's the alternative? Everything is lesser.

What drives greater healing than love? But healthy love... 

I feel I should be updating my experiences of love while also at the same time moving into love to create these changes.

All of this has consequences for all of my other world views as said here so this is why this heart work isn't easy, I feel we should always have a movement towards subtlety. 

[Esilda]

3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

@Esilda You're very welcome, would love to hear your thoughts on it  

There are a couple of very goods books on trauma that I know of that you might find useful, too, if you're interested, you can always read the first few pages on Amazon in the following links to get a flavour of them - 'Healing Trauma' by Peter A. Levine, and 'How To Do The Work' by Dr. Nicole Le Pera, which Gianna mentioned elsewhere on the forum (in this thread - she may even be able to send you a digital copy if you're interested).

 

[Esilda]

8 minutes ago, Esilda said:

I want to change but where is this change coming from? 

I feel I should make it come from love but I also feel I need to update my definitions of love as I say here because as I say here my notions of love have now been under attack so I won't feel that sense of safety I usually get from love.

If its not love then what's the alternative? Everything is lesser.

What drives greater healing than love? But healthy love... 

I feel I should be updating my experiences of love while also at the same time moving into love to create these changes.

All of this has consequences for all of my other world views as said here so this is why this heart work isn't easy, I feel we should always have a movement towards subtlety. 

 

... updating my ideas about love, making sure they reinforce the understanding, nurturing and growth of my heart to greatest extent as a bare minimum.

[RickyFitts]

3 hours ago, Esilda said:

 

 

I want to change but where is this change coming from? 

I feel I should make it come from love but I also feel I need to update my definitions of love as I say here because as I say here my notions of love have now been under attack so I won't feel that sense of safety I usually get from love.

If its not love then what's the alternative? Everything is lesser.

What drives greater healing than love? But healthy love... 

I feel I should be updating my experiences of love while also at the same time moving into love to create these changes.

All of this has consequences for all of my other world views as said here so this is why this heart work isn't easy, I feel we should always have a movement towards subtlety. 

When I think about love, I think about it in relation to a quote by Rumi, I don't know if you know the one:

Quote

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

We tend to believe that love is 'out there' somewhere, that it isn't present right now if we can't actually feel it - but is that actually true? 

Another quote to consider, by Adyashanti: 'The opposite of love isn't hate, it's fear'. If we can't feel love in this moment, it's not because it isn't present - it's because we aren't open to it. And I don't mean open to it mentally, I'm thinking more on the level of feeling, of the heart. But maybe it's covered over with emotions like sorrow, anger, or fear - it's unfortunate, but we also have to be willing to feel those feelings, too. We have to be open to it all, because love doesn't discriminate, it doesn't say 'I can love this but I can't love that' - it loves everything, without conditions. 

[RickyFitts]

I do just also want to add that if you feel like you are closed off to love, there's no shame in that and it doesn't make you defective - no, it makes you human. Most people are closed off to love.

Edited September 4, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Esilda]

21 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

I do just also want to add that if you feel like you are closed off to love, there's no shame in that and it doesn't make you defective - no, it makes you human. Most people are closed off to love.

Not closed off, I realise I just have to transmute all of this. This is all just a process of rinse and repeat on the right procedures.

Most of life is simply a transmutation process, aka life is change and we make processes to deal with that.  

Love starts inside, that's why I'm starting with the heart energies. I learned from you, lxlichael/Michael (I won't annoy him with the tag!) and the chakra system that from here this is where I learn to direct those energies to other parts of our being. 

... I don't know how much all of this is under conscious control and how much conscious living plays an aspect in my growth here though the opposite is obviously not true, so I have to put the work in while finding a balance. 

I'm not very good at remembering dreams but I want to include this in my growth as well. 

I liked your quotes, please feel free to share more anytime  

 

[Esilda]

To my sexuality,

I am so happy I haven't been with a lot of guys (only two), I've managed to preserve a lot of my female energy and only give it away to those who I thought were really special to me at the time. This includes all things sexual other than kissing.

I might have painted some of my past relationships as really bad, these are just my relationships from the perspective of the trauma that I need to recover from. Not that it was made up for by sex or anything like that, just that there were many positive reasons for why I made the decisions I did for the partner that I chose at the time.

My sexuality, you are my goddess, through you I feel the earth and the way that western man does not make cultural. All of these hard buildings, roads, laws and everything strict like this has turned female nature totally upside down.

I've had plenty of impulses in every which way but I always made it a part of my meaning in life, to make the right choice when it comes to sexuality, to never debase myself in this way because of the harm that I know it can do to me psychologically.

You are such an intrinsic part of my identity, how the world views me and how I view the world, I feel so lucky to have had you guiding me throughout my life in my understanding of the flowing nature of life in ways that I otherwise would never have been taught how.

I am calling upon you now to understand any pain you have experienced in the past, so that together we can work through this and make each other more alive through this journey of growth with my heart.

[Esilda]

PHANTOM LOVE, DIE DIE PHANTOM LOVE!

~ sorry just playing a video game at the moment  ~

[Esilda]

God I feel like such a dork sometimes, I'm not. Promise. 

[Esilda]

I feel so much more confident with things now. Sending a big thank you to @RickyFitts and @Marcel  I know I will continue to learn more and more from the both of you and a special thank you to @lxlichael for all of your writings that have helped me a lot and sharing with me your knowledge to the best of your ability so far. I only look forward to learning more from everyone and I will do my best to be as open minded as possible so long as everything that I've worked to create in terms of boundaries for this journal continues to be respected.

Thank you to everyone, sending love to everyone on the forum  .

[Esilda]

@Marcel 

I'm not sure where my journal is going anymore I will see how it goes but on top of you guys I'm also going to send a thank you as well to all those that contributed in their own unique way...

@SLuxy (I haven't watched the video but you reminded me to get more in touch with my intuition!)

@SriSriJustinBieber (I'm certainly no bliss junky yet but you've shined the light!)

@modmyth (loved learning from your experiences)

@IAmReallyImportant (everyone deserves another chance, taken you off ignore I hope you are well)

 

Thank you again everyone I wouldn't have been able to come this far without your support !

[Esilda]

OHHHHH! 

And @Loba , my apologies I nearly forgot!

I hope you're well too and thank you again for welcoming me it makes me so much more at home here  .

[RickyFitts]

Oh you're so welcome, @Esilda , I'm so happy if I can help you in any way because I think you're wonderful, your presence on the forum has been a real blessing - and I know I'll continue to learn from you, too, thank you, too, for sharing your valuable perspective and your good heart  

5 hours ago, Esilda said:

Not closed off, I realise I just have to transmute all of this. This is all just a process of rinse and repeat on the right procedures.

Most of life is simply a transmutation process, aka life is change and we make processes to deal with that.  

Love starts inside, that's why I'm starting with the heart energies. I learned from you, lxlichael/Michael (I won't annoy him with the tag!) and the chakra system that from here this is where I learn to direct those energies to other parts of our being. 

... I don't know how much all of this is under conscious control and how much conscious living plays an aspect in my growth here though the opposite is obviously not true, so I have to put the work in while finding a balance. 

There's so much wisdom in this, I love this 

6 hours ago, Esilda said:

I'm not very good at remembering dreams but I want to include this in my growth as well. 

 It's weird, I have periods when I remember dreams very well (usually because they're so freaking troubling , or just downright weird) and periods, as now, where I don't remember them at all - I can't remember the last time I had a dream I remembered, which, to be honest, is probably a relief  

6 hours ago, Esilda said:

I liked your quotes, please feel free to share more anytime  

I'll keep it in mind  (though I'll try not to absolutely spam your thread with them, because I do love a bloody good quote ). Here's another lovely one from Rumi:

'Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop.'

[RickyFitts]

4 minutes ago, Esilda said:

As long as I use the present moment to ground myself, everything remains beautiful. 

Beautiful, just beautiful 

[RickyFitts]

8 hours ago, Esilda said:

God I feel like such a dork sometimes, I'm not. Promise. 

Hey, me too! 

But that's all right, y'know? Because we're adorkable 

[Esilda]

45 minutes ago, lxlichael said:

 

Don't worry so much about me but np. Stay centered. Stay grounded. Focus on your growth, this is now a turning point for you.

Start doing this if you haven't already. 

Title - Advanced Breathing & Retention Technique | TAKE A DEEP BREATH
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qwtd7uGizKQ&t=3s

OHHH WOW YES!!!! I totally forget about Wim Hof @lxlichael !!! 

.... Listening and trying my first session of this right now!

 

@RickyFitts We walk the dork (talk)  

 

[Esilda]

... Feeling the tingles again lol, I forgot what this felt like!        

[Esilda]

... Distracted... decaffeinated green tea straight after this.... lol  

[RickyFitts]

25 minutes ago, Esilda said:

@RickyFitts  We walk the dork (talk)  

You're killing me, that's too adorkable! 

Edited September 4, 2021 by RickyFitts

[RickyFitts]

6 minutes ago, Esilda said:

... Feeling the tingles again lol, I forgot what this felt like!        

 

Enjoy your green tea - a woman after my own heart, I drink that too!  

I should really meditate in a minute, can't really be bothered though...