How to be social when you don't like most people?

[unborn_chicken]

What can I do to overcome this contradiction?

I'm like exactly the type of guy that simply DOESN'T LIKE PEOPLE. They bore me to death with their trivial conversation and their lack of interest for philosophy, art, beauty, wisdom, etc... 

I KNOW there's people out there that I would totally want to share my time with, but where are they? WHERE!?

I only seem to find shallowness, laziness, ignorance, devilry, etc.

So what is it?

Am I too much of a black sheep? Are my expectations too high? Am I too judgmental of others? Am I narcissistic? Am I a sociopath? Do I lack empathy? Am I too out of touch with emotions?

Should I make attempts to form deep bonds with people that don't share my values and ambitions?

How can I be nice and charming to a society I disapprove so much of?

 

I seem to be stuck in a loop where I think all of those thoughts above are just mental masturbation and I should simply go out and meet more people. And every single time I do It's the same result: disappointment (meaning I DON'T enjoy my time with them and would rather just be by myself). And this isn't just people I've meet for 5 minutes, but also family and friends I've know for years.

And the sexual frustration man...

I've been seriously considering seeing an escort from time to time because I just can't see myself meeting 5000 girls, navigating a sea of shallowness in order to MAYBE find 1 that I genuinely like, I simply have better things to do with my time that I value much more.

I see myself a lot in the Dr House character if that's worth anything heheh.

 

How much of this is mental masturbation? How much of this is valid?

I would appreciate your thoughts on this, thank you.

Edited August 18, 2021 by unborn_chicken

[hamedsf]

you might be extremely introvert or a bit anti-social, to be honest with ya.

you might say like you don't like people but would you live in an abandoned city? 100% not because you need those people around your home even if you say you don't like them. you need various things but as you mentioned one of them is getting female out of that people.  

I was kinda victim of this mentality. maybe I was right but at some point I dropped that useless mindset out of the window and started meeting new people including new girls. 

start new activities outside of that limited place and start socializing even if you feel uncomfortable. 

[Bando]

One thing that helps is to stop being judgemental, its ok to talk about nothing with other people and just shoot the shit not every conversation has to provide some profound insight. 

[NoSelfSelf]

I feel you man... you just need one great experience with some people to destroy this belief that there are no people for you...it gets better from there...there are literally millions people for you but you hold yourself to meet them while you think you dont...start seeking people in new places...

[Roy]

1 hour ago, unborn_chicken said:

I would appreciate your thoughts on this, thank you.

I'm the exact same way, I can't be bothered with the majority of people.

You know what is great though? Those FEW people you really like  go find them.

[mandyjw]

I used to be almost exactly as you described. There was lots of listening to Eckhart Tolle and other spiritual teachers over the years, lots of watching my thoughts. Lots of healing relationships with people close to me. Lots of understanding things I hadn't seen before. Lots of learning to appreciate people rather than let judgmental and insecure thoughts run amok. Lots of realizing I was focusing on what I do not want and flipping to focus on what I DO want. It's something that both takes practice and work and also has an instant pay off. Watch out, soon you'll be so overwhelmed with love by the interaction with some random delivery person or cashier that you'll find yourself crying about it. Then you will find the most AMAZING, wonderful, unreal people just come into your life, but they still won't be any better than that random cashier that day.

You intended to see through this, and you will. You already are. ❤

Edited August 18, 2021 by mandyjw

[Marcel]

@unborn_chicken

You just perfectly described me.

I don´t have the nerve to meet anyone and stay alone most of the time, i just focus on my work at the moment and refine my daily process.

I would love to have an intimate relationship with a women, but just like you there is no way i would want to through the process of trial and error to get there. So i just try to be the best version of myself and put myself out there whenever if i feel like it once in a blue moon.

[Tangerinedream]

Maybe those people also feel the same as you..  why not decide to be the guy who isn’t boring and asks obscure and random questions to people to get them to open up.. 

Show interest in peoples lives, find out what they like.  Most people don’t like to talk about themselves and won’t communicate.  
 

what are your interests? Go do stuff involving your interests and meet people who have the same interests so you have something to bond over.  
 

Just make the decision to start being the one who talk about interesting stuff and ask people questions, instead of hoping other people will be interesting.  
 

if you want to attract interesting people then you yourself have to be interesting, or others will find you boring.. 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Tangerinedream

[unborn_chicken]

9 minutes ago, Tangerinedream said:

Maybe those people also feel the same as you..  why not decide to be the guy who isn’t boring and asks obscure and random questions to people to get them to open up.. 

 

Been there, done that. People simply don't have interest in intellectual or "deep" matters.

Some of them pretend to do just to be nice or to get something from you.

But It's rarely genuine

Edited August 18, 2021 by unborn_chicken

[unborn_chicken]

54 minutes ago, Roy said:

You know what is great though? Those FEW people you really like  go find them.

IDK man... I've started to think that "search" might not be worth it, and I'd just rather let it happen "naturally" if it's meant to (or whatever)

[Tangerinedream]

1 minute ago, unborn_chicken said:

Been there, done that. People simply don't have interest in intellectual or "deep" matters.

Some of them pretend to do just to be nice or to get something from you.

Well to most people, intellectual stuff is boring.  You may come off as ‘snobby’ if you get too intellectual with people. 
maybe you can find some kind of a meet up group regarding the types of topics you want to talk about.  
 

[unborn_chicken]

2 minutes ago, Tangerinedream said:

maybe you can find some kind of a meet up group regarding the types of topics you want to talk about.  

Nothing like that exists where I live sadly, no yoga classes, no meditation retreats, nothing.

[mandyjw]

16 minutes ago, Khr said:

Why is focusing on what you want working better than focusing on what you don’t want? Is it necessarily better or is it just the next step? Over the last few years I’ve been watching a ton of videos on NPD and other unhealthy patterns of behaviour - however, what ended up happening is that last winter I ended up dating yet another narcissist for 3 months despite being so educated on the topic. Why did it happen? 

Is there a balance to this? With the NPD case, for example, there is a benefit to watching all the NPD videos because it helps you to become aware of it. When in the process should you be switching to the opposite - from educating yourself on what is toxic to educating yourself on what is healthy? Is there a natural flow to how the process should go? I don’t think the focusing on “what is toxic” step should be skipped.

Going by how you feel is key. For example, this summer I really spooked myself about shark attacks because I swim in the ocean. I kept reading to get more information about how afraid I should be but after an hour and half of reading, I realized I was only feeling worse, and it felt better just to go for a swim and drop the subject. I wanted to swim and enjoy it, feeling safe. That's what in my heart, I really wanted. I tried to secure myself with information, it didn't work. The only way to do it was to actually go do what I was wanting to do. If you do not feel good about taking the plunge, find another subject, go for a walk, read fiction, etc. If learning feels good, and you find it is reliving you of past worries, keep doing it. Too often it creates 10 new boogeymen in the place of one, all in the name of progress. 

[Roy]

24 minutes ago, unborn_chicken said:

IDK man... I've started to think that "search" might not be worth it, and I'd just rather let it happen "naturally" if it's meant to (or whatever)

Why would it not be worth it? If you want something out of life, you have to put something into it. I'd argue you might not be aware that the reason you are just going to "let it happen" is because you actually want to be depressed about it and feed your ego secretly.

I can tell because I've gone through exactly what you're going through. Let's take a look at all these (judgmental) words you've used;

3 hours ago, unborn_chicken said:

shallowness, laziness, ignorance, devilry

 

3 hours ago, unborn_chicken said:

disappointment

 

3 hours ago, unborn_chicken said:

I just can't see myself meeting 5000 girls, navigating a sea of shallowness in order to MAYBE find 1 that I genuinely like

And you don't need to meet 5000 girls to find a girlfriend or someone to click with. Leo uses absurd hyperbole with numbers like that. Maybe a few hundred, even less. Not a big number considering how many people you meet in a given year.

[unborn_chicken]

44 minutes ago, Roy said:

And you don't need to meet 5000 girls to find a girlfriend or someone to click with. Leo uses absurd hyperbole with numbers like that. Maybe a few hundred, even less. Not a big number considering how many people you meet in a given year.

I don't know man. I already don't have a big social circle. Tinder is too much a waste of time to really consider it. I don't like to drink or going to bars or nightclubs. And I also live in a sh*tty part of the world where people are very traditional (and poor, sadly). There are no yoga classes, hiking groups, libraries with pretty girls in them, nothing like that where I live.

If I were to play the numbers game at all I would first have to move to another country with a more developed culture. And just be lonely until then  

[Shawn Philips]

It's very common when you're awakening, you see people aroing you talking about movies, gossip, sports and you are not interested to talk them.

What really worked for me is finding people  I resonate with via internet, make  a group of friends and organize meetups. I know people that I love more than my dumb friends, and they live in the other side of the world, distance is not a problem today.

[unborn_chicken]

@Khr I agree to almost everything you said.

My expectations are mostly already low. But honestly I rarely find white with a bit of black, much rather the opposite.

I WISH I was extroverted. I WISH I enjoyed others company effortlessly, but I'm just not wired that way.

[Karmadhi]

1. Try to find people that share your hobbies and desires. Maybe join clubs or use the internet to find local communities, maybe go to specific places like libraries or conferences idk. There are plenty of intellectual people out there with which you can have conversations you like. I am the same, i do not like trivial topics too much, i do it but not 100 percent of the conversation.

2. I will give you a new lense to see socialization. Soclization grows you immensly, first it grows you emotionally because it can be difficult. You have to go out of your comfort zone, if you are not natural at it , it will be difficult. That is great. It makes you stronger. Just like the gym does for example. Also, most importantly it will allow you to see the world from more perspectives. Esepcailly if you hang out with somewhat intellectual people, they will have different ideas, views on life. It will enrich your knowledge and help you in your understanding. Try to interact with people different from yourself in terms of views, if you do it mindfully it will benefit you.

3. It is a useful life skill to help advance your survival. Sorry but you will not get as far in life if you lack social skils than if you are social. This should not be your primary motivation though, because it is extrincit. Do it for the intrinstic benefits which i wrote on point 2.

4. In time it will become more fun as you get better at it.

Look, i know how you feel. I am also naturally introverted and enjoy my company a lot. However through SHEER EXPERIENCE, over 1000s of hours of socializing i have become quite decent at it and it is worth it. You can be a natural introvert at heart while being outgoing, social fun and cool. One of the benefits of being an introvert is that you are less dependent emotionally from other people. This allows you to be more authentic. Ironically this makes you a more attractive person.

Hope it helped, if you have questions  do not hesitate to PM me.

[unborn_chicken]

@Karmadhi Agreed man.

My problem is mostly step 1.

The concept of a "club" or a "local community" simply doesn't exist where I live. And the few libraries there are, are mostly occupied with older people cause our youth is too busy taking selfies to go read a book.

I already plan to move to another country with a more developed culture, but It's not easy and until then I just don't see another way of doing things from what I am already doing.

[something_else]

Viewing yourself as superior, too good and too 'deep' for others is no way to make friends

I used that tactic to cope with being shitty at socialising in school for years, it's not healthy. The average person has far more depth than you give them credit for, what you lack are the social skills to bring that out. As do most people, myself included

Learning to deeply relate to people who you feel are superficial will grow you enormously, but it requires you accepting that you're no better than they are