Valach

How to get rid of judgment towards girl's past.

18 posts in this topic

Hey guys,

Recently started dating a new girl and realized and ongoing problem that I had even with girls I dated before and that is a strong judgment towards girls sexual history. I find it hard accepting the fact the girls I am dating participated in casual sex and partying eventhough I did the same. I even judge the girls just for having the sex in general and I have no idea where is all of this judgment coming from but I realize it's not heatlhy, because it is destroying the way I see girls I am dating and I become quite neurotic about it. Sometimes this judgment gets even very irrational. For example the girl I am dating now told me she had a friends with benefirts arrangment with one guy in the past half a year before she met me. Eventhough I slept with more girls and had same arrangments too and just had richer dating life in general, I still get triggered by it ( I don't show it to the girl ) and I still judge the girl a lot for it. Then there is a period where she was single for a year and sleeping aroud a bit and I just can't stand hearing about this eventhough as a person so far, she seems very nice for a realitionship. 

I have no idea where is this judgment coming from and how to get rid of it. Why do I judge girls for sleeping around if I am doing the same. Maybe it's coming from my general lack of experience? Maybe an general insecurity? I was thinking also, that it could be me regretting my past as well? I was bad at dating until age 22 and obviously feel resentful towards my past and because the girl's past expiriences remind me of lack of mine I get triggered? 

Anyone who experienced this and could help me out would be grealty appriated! :)

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Posted (edited)

19 minutes ago, Valach said:

Why do I judge girls for sleeping around if I am doing the same.

 I was thinking also, that it could be me regretting my past as well? 

Judgement, blame, hatred, etc all stem from the same thing.. The notion of 'free will'. Once you recognize that you can't behave other than how you do, and that the same is true for others, this type of judgement becomes unsustainable. This notion of judgement no longer makes sense. 

(This doesn't mean you stop judging in the pragmatic sense.. You don't have to feel judgement towards a relatively active volcano to still realize you'd rather live by a dormant volcano... You just don't have any feelings of negativity towards volcanos for being however they are)

Edited by Mason Riggle

"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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Well, I don't think you have to understand where it comes from. Something that you could do it just to reach for better feeling thoughts about the subject when you feel the judgement coming up. Perhaps start with statements that express how you feel and then work your way to better thoughts (over time): 'she shouldn't just have sex with others', 'I feel disdain that this girl has had (causal) sex' 'I can't do anything about it', 'it's not really my problem', 'what she does is her business', 'maybe she has just been figuring out how to do her life', 'I don't really know why I feel this strongly about it', 'maybe I make it a bigger problem than it is', 'of course it doesn't really matter what she's has done, only that we can have a good time', 'I like that she is honest with me about these things', 'she seems really nice'.
Those are just examples. It can be quite fun to move yourself to better feeling thoughts. When old ways of feeling come back, you know how to get back to good feeling thoughts again and you can use the approach to anything

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It is normal to have those thoughts. Your aversion towards feeling those manly thoughts is the problem. 


My journal on self-actualization, relationships and dating:

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Had the exact same problem with my last long term partner. But I burned that insecurity out very quickly > It's culturally conditioned patriarchal selfishness is what it is. Recognize that within yourself so you can let go and move on. It will take a bit of time but eventually you won't care anymore, because she will be yours (at least for the duration of the relationship).

Realize you cannot change their past or who they are, so all that's left is to love and accept them as they are now (or not).

Also stop talking about it and asking questions if you aren't getting anything out of it. Some things are better left unsaid and just because you're in a partnership with someone doesn't mean you need to know every single little detail or secret in their life.


"Your mind can never change, unless you ask it to. Lovingly rearrange, the thoughts that make you blue."

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Yeah i think its more jealously/hate towards Girls more than judgement

3 hours ago, Valach said:

Maybe it's coming from my general lack of experience? Maybe an general insecurity? I was thinking also, that it could be me regretting my past as well? I was bad at dating until age 22 and obviously feel resentful towards my past and because the girl's past expiriences remind me of lack of mine I get triggered? 

Anyone who experienced this and could help me out would be grealty appriated! :)

 


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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 what did i just read? she's equal to you on every level. 

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@Valach Just notice the hypocrisy in your your own life, its not something you can conceptually understand, express your feeling to her and have a conversation about it and see it through her perspective.

You should be paying attention to her character and her coping mechanisms to daily events and she how she handles them, these are much more important red flags to look out for than her sexual history.

Btw expect most modern woman in western countries can have at least 15-25 partners most of them coming from her 20's, woman have many options to explore and want to understand what type of guy is best for them, you would do the same in their shoes so again notice the hyporacy and focus on other important characteristics that can lead to good relationship material.

Also be careful of redpill/blackpill brainwashing, those ideologies can subtly influence your perspective on woman.

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Posted (edited)

@Valach The easiest way to get over that judgement is by realizing that the average woman has had 2 to 3x the amount of sexual partners that the average man has had. Understanding that women regularly engage casual sex, particularly in their twenties, will eliminate those negative connotations you have attached to women's sexuality. 

Realizing that will also help your game tremendously. 

Edited by Harlen Kelly

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Just now, Harlen Kelly said:

@Valach The easiest way to get over that judgement is by realizing that the average woman has had 2 to 3x the amount of partners that the average man has had. Understanding that women regularly have casual sex, particularly in their twenties, will get rid of those negative connotations you have attached to women's sexuality. 

Easier said than done. Most men think of a woman with a past and label her as a "whore" in their mind.

 


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Posted (edited)

12 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Easier said than done. Most men think of a woman with a past and label her as a "whore" in their mind.

Most men who engage in those thought patterns do so because they themselves lack experience with women. 

Guys who get laid understand that women engage in casual sex, lots of casual sex, and they don't judge it because they are a direct beneficiary of that. 

2 hours ago, Bando said:

expect most modern woman in western countries can have at least 15-25 partners

That's a bit low, keep in mind that when a chick tells you how many guys she has slept with, she most likely will not include the one-night stands she had at the bar with guys she barely knew and the like. 

Because she intuitively knows that if she shares her actual lay count with you, most guys would devalue her automatically, consequently, she will typically only include the ''serious'' relationships and discard the sexual escapades. 

Edited by Harlen Kelly

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21 hours ago, Bando said:

@Valach Just notice the hypocrisy in your your own life, its not something you can conceptually understand, express your feeling to her and have a conversation about it and see it through her perspective.

You should be paying attention to her character and her coping mechanisms to daily events and she how she handles them, these are much more important red flags to look out for than her sexual history.

Btw expect most modern woman in western countries can have at least 15-25 partners most of them coming from her 20's, woman have many options to explore and want to understand what type of guy is best for them, you would do the same in their shoes so again notice the hyporacy and focus on other important characteristics that can lead to good relationship material.

Also be careful of redpill/blackpill brainwashing, those ideologies can subtly influence your perspective on woman.

Excelent, thank you!

18 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

So basically, you're insecure.

Indeed. How do I work this out?

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23 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

The easiest way to get over that judgement is by realizing that the average woman has had 2 to 3x the amount of sexual partners that the average man has had. Understanding that women regularly engage casual sex, particularly in their twenties, will eliminate those negative connotations you have attached to women's sexuality. 

Realizing that will also help your game tremendously. 

How would you even know? I feel like even when people try to do studies, participants would just lie and scew the data, or in friendships and in private relationships people will lie because they don't want to be judged. I don't really trust any statistics I read, it's kinda left to our best guesses based on the individual.

And even the studies that do get published usually don't take into account the generational differences. The invention of smartphones/dating apps and overall increasing materialism/shallowing of western culture probably increased the average number of partners for everyone now compared to idk 40-50 years ago?


"Your mind can never change, unless you ask it to. Lovingly rearrange, the thoughts that make you blue."

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Let her go for someone who won't judge her and find someone who's innocent and naïve instead and see if that's any more interesting.  It won't be.  (kidding... sort of)

I've had friends who slept with hundreds of guys.  Oh well.  Their relationships were still great.  Get over it.

She knows what she's doing.  Good for you.  Try gratitude.  I come from a background where some people were innocent and some slept around and guess what?  Just because the woman slept around doesn't mean they were worth less or any less innocent.  There's so many reasons for women experimenting.

How do men expect us to do what you want if we can't have relationships?  Or practice?  You know?  A churchgoing virgin could be a bigger jack*ss towards other people than some dear who just happens to love enjoying her body.

Love your girl.  Get to know her sexuality.  Prudes aren't great, either, you know?


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I can so relate to this.  I spent most of my dating life feeling exactly the same.  I have always been very sexually possessive.  When my wife and I were dating and getting closer, we started sharing more and more details about ourselves.  She knew i had been married before and had two kids from that marriage.  She had been married before too.  Her ex husband was actually a really nice guy.

But what really sent me over the edge was when she told me she had a relationship with someone I also knew but did not respect.  It almost ended our relationship.  I just couldn't get past it.  The woman I was falling in love with had had sex with a guy I knew and frankly thought was a low life.  We had several fights over it and it came really close to ending the relationship.

What finally got me out of my own crap was when she confronted the fact that I had been married to a woman for 7 years that she neither liked or respected, and she had to see her and interact with her because of my kids.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  My ego quickly started a defense, but I had luckily done enough work by this point to realize I had been check-mated.  I had absolutely no room to judge.  My past was about as colored as hers.

We have been together for 10 years now and are VERY happy.  Thanks to her and the work we did together, I have found freedom around this issue. 

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