Azrael

5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #3: On Being God

120 posts in this topic

Well, to start off I will say that I actually don't want to write this post. Not because I don't want you to know about the experience I had and not because I'm lazy or something but any words I will use in this post just seem to me like a desperate attempt on trying to impress you, on trying to put something into words that simply cannot be put, on trying to give you any kind of a picture about it. It is in that respect useless to talk about it. And I feel very phony of doing so. Just because of the fact that if you read this post and think that Azrael had some kind of very far out experience and you make it into something great and unreachable and somehow away from you, you are kidding yourself. But I guess it can't be helped and I feel like I should at least try to point out what just happened. So see this as mere entertainment. And to the new ones, read my prior post first so that you can contrast the experiences.

+++ On Being A Pussy And Not Wanting To Do the 30mg +++

It's quite fascinating how confused we are in our normal state of egoic consciousness. And it's quite interesting how afraid we are. Even when you think you are not afraid and you are this tough guy, you're kidding yourself. Every bit of the attitude that you put up is rooted in a deep fear of being exposed. Of failing, of surrendering completely. You learned and embody this so throughly that you are all tensed up all of the time. And because this became so normal on a mere physiological level you actually think this muscular tension is you. It's quite incredible how ridiculous were are. And how well we play it.

But let's forget this point for a few more minutes and start with the story. How did all begin today? Well, it was a quite normal day here in Berlin, Germany. Azrael got up in the morning, ate some breakfast, took a shower, shaved his Zen-Master-looking beard and did his daily HoloSync meditation. What a great one it was. What I guess most of you who haven't done 5-MeO don't realize is that you'll start having flavors of the experience throughout your daily life. And especially in meditation. I recreated most of my last experience (the one in which I talk about our holographic nature). I meditated and saw my whole being flickering in this empty and endless space. I felt how when I move my attention I create that centralized space for that brief moment until it goes anywhere else. Quite fascinating.

As always on the weekends I took a walk after my meditation, bathed in the spaciousness I was still wearing and thought about the day. I had to prepare for a talk I will be giving next week so I did this most of the day. When I finished my work I did my daily visualization. I visualize daily what I did this day in a positive way and then I go through the next day and think about what I will do then in a positive way. I tend to be pretty analytical and negative, so my visualization keeps that in place and opens me up a lot.

When I was done doing that I laid on my bad and was just scared. I had thought the whole day that I wanted to do MeO after my work and now was the time. But I was paralyzed. Can I even physically stand the 30mg? Maybe I'm not prepared enough? Can I really surrender? I don't feel quite as confident today like I would want to feel before such an experience. You know the drill, my mind would be going bunkers. But this is normal. I asked several times inside whether I wanted to do this and my intuition was all for it. Like always. But my mind was very nervous and scared. It didn't want to die. And I respect that. Although I gotta say that the nervousness before the experience was harder then the actual surrendering in the experience. But we'll come to that in a few more moments.

So I basically re-watched Leo's video on 5-MeO-DMT, watched one in which Joe Rogan (the comedian) talks about it and I argued with myself all of the time whether I should be really doing it today. My mind came up with all kind of excuses to put it off for another week. But eventually I went inside again and my intuition really wanted my to do it now, so I did.

+++ The Experience: On Being God +++

So I sat down in front of my desk, played my common tripping music, prepared my couch with fresh water, a hanky and a plastic bag (for the case I had to throw up). Then I weighed 2 gram of Kola Nut powder on my fancy new scale, downed it with a little bit of water and weighed 30mg of 5-MeO-DMT. I waited a few more minutes until I felt the Kola Nut coming up and then I basically got on my knees and visualized that I'll have the most epic experience of my life and then I prayed that I can totally surrender into it. To whom did I pray? The fuck I don't know. Probably to myself, that I just give up the show and won't kill myself by resisting the experience. (I think it really did help.)

So yeah, I made two equal lines out of the gold and sniffed it into my nostrils. Man, just seeing 30mg of this and knowing what kind of experience you had with 15-20mg is very special. The whole act is a surrender. There is nothing easy about this - even though the most epic things follow. It's like you have a gun in front of you and you know that when you'll shoot yourself in the head you will be in heaven... but you gotta do the shooting first. It's like that.

So, I sniff it in and go to my couch, tilting the head upside down and massaging it into my nostrils. I waited 5 minutes until reality got really wanky. Then I sat up normal, opened myself up and tried to focus on love. I thought about a girl I loved once very much, I thought about her face when she laughed and how it completely melted me back then. Meanwhile my pulse was going through the rooftop and I had some difficulty thinking about her because my thoughts began to vanish. My head would be pumped with more and more clearness which felt pretty good and I was very comfortable in my body.

What happened then for the next 15-30 minutes I cannot put into words. I also will not scream with upper letters "OH MY GOD" or "I AM IT" or something like that, because I didn't feel any of this in these moments. I didn't say a word. I had a few thoughts but they were kind of arbitrary. I was completely in shock. Completely speechless. But not in a kind of hectic shock, I was very well relaxed and relieved while I was in this state. It didn't even occurred to me that I'm in shock or speechless until 30 minutes later when I slowly came back and began to understand what just happened.

Every picture I had about it prior to the experience was wrong. You can just not fathom with egoic consciousness what it is that underlies everything. I had no pretty visuals or something like that. I saw very clearly and when I closed my eyes for a moment I guess I saw some patterns, but I didn't pay much attention. I just was it. Everything and nothing. But it wasn't special in any kind of way. It began to be special when I came back and my individual tried to make sense out of it. But in the moment itself, it was completely obvious. It was completely eternal and when I felt my body here and there I just would feel so relieved and speechless. At some point I held my glass of water in my hands and I starred at it for probably 5 minutes without closing my eyes. The whole reality, every sense that I had seemed like a shell you could cut. It was also extremely still. Completely eternal. I had no idea what this word really means. In the peak of the experience it wasn't even explosive or something. When I got from normal egoic consciousness to the state I'm describing, the very transition can be quite explosive although the Kola Nut did a great job in making that a very smooth one, but the experience itself is completely still. It isn't even an experience or state. If you have to think about it, think about it like you peel endless patterns of your normal reality away until there is this one core thing left.. and you are this. God. Complete infinity. It's completely indescribable.

Well, I peaked for about 20 minutes and then slowly I began to understand what just happened and then as I said I just was speechless for a good half hour. I just sat there. I had not much thoughts about it, a few maybe but I was just shocked and speechless. Then at some point when I came down I began to cook and make myself a salad. I did this for a few moments and then just had to sit down again and just cried like a little boy for a god 5 minutes straight. I just couldn't believe what I had done to myself for my entire life and what kind of nasty game I played with myself. I just saw it before my eyes and couldn't believe it.

+++ The Beginning Of The End +++

In the last few hours I had some thoughts coming up that resulted from the experience and seemed pretty authentic to me.

You will never die. This is I guess the one thing I learned. You will never die. Don't be afraid of death (and I know this is easier said then done) but just think back. You as an individual were birthed into this live by magic. This whole existence is magic and there is nothing else then pure love. There never was a moment in your eternal existence in which you really had to fear anything. What shall there be? When you open your eyes you create a whole visual field of reality. You are all of that. When you hear with your ears your create a whole auditory space with your sense of 3D hearing. When you think thoughts you create endless parallel realities in your head that have their own reality. When you go sleep at night you can trust yourself to wake up in the morning. When you go you can trust your legs to carry you around. When you go about your day everything you do comes naturally to you. There is not a thing that is not supportive and loving to you. You just like to spin stories that this is the case and you love to identify with it.

If you really wanna see this this right now, just stop believing your own bullshit. When you drop all thought and belief, you are eternity. You are it. Before you lived you were formless and rested in peace. When you were born you decided to play a game called life to experience this material reality. When you die you let this reality dissolve again and will probably rest for some eternal time and then play some new games. Don't be afraid. It's all good. All of your problems have no value at all. Your negative emotions? Yeah so what, there was no time in your life when you couldn't stand those. It's the nature of negative emotions to be negative and it's your nature as God to provide the space for them to occur. It's the nature of the positive to feel good and create a negative that will come at another time again. If you're attached to this, it's okay. Just say to yourself that you're not believing your own bullshit. And keep up your quest. Time will show this to you.

If I had to put all of this in simple words, I would just say that I'm speechless and relieved. Relieved from the nasty game I played with myself. And even though I know that it'll slowly come come back and grab me again, I know that in the next few months I will go even so much deeper with these experiences that it'll just crack like a shell and will naturally fall off. Nothing else makes sense.

Be good to yourself. And be well.

Cheers, Azrael


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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Great read! Pretty much the same experience as Leo described, amazing stuff. You guys are making it hard to stay on the legal side of life ;) .  Iam very curious about the long-term effects of such an experience,please keep us updated. It wouldnt make any sense to ever go back to a lower state of consciousness after such a breakthrough, but the ego is a sneaky bastard i guess. 

 

Thank you for trying to decribe your experience.

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Thank you so much for this report!! 5 meo does wonders & I'm glad you have seen through the illusion.

It's very inspiring and becoming more apparent that this non duality is not something to be only half serious about. I will be trying to obtain meo it in the coming months.

Keep up with sharing your insights as it is very helpful for us all.

 

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@Azrael  Good work! :) *hi-five*

You've discovered true religion. Beyond all words.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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9 hours ago, Franz said:

It wouldnt make any sense to ever go back to a lower state of consciousness after such a breakthrough, but the ego is a sneaky bastard i guess.

One thing that surprised me is how much understanding I had for the ego. I wasn't mad at it at all that it holds me back or is afraid. It's the very nature of this construction to act in such a way. And also I've lost any doubt that I will not reach the highest levels of consciousness in this life. I have the means to do it and the will to go beyond. The way will reveal itself naturally. It's funny how much we learned not to trust ourselves and resist what is. That's all a far out game you play with yourself. Just drop it.

I guess my ideal lifestyle will be that when I move to Vancouver, Canada - after finishing my studies - that I buy a house in the periphery, do some programming projects, meditate in hyperspace for most time and share my experiences in books so that more people get to know about it. Nothing else really makes sense. Of course you can still leave some of the normal life in place to keep you grounded and in contact with the other folks, but 98% of it is a far out game to punish yourself and fuck you up for no particular reason. And I found more interesting things to do with my time.

9 hours ago, Live Life Liam said:

It's very inspiring and becoming more apparent that this non duality is not something to be only half serious about.

It's by far the most exciting thing I can think of. Way more exciting then any earthly life purpose you could have. I mean your life purpose has its place in life and that's good and important, but being in hyperspace is killing the character and being infinite. Nothing earthly compares.

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Azrael  Good work! :) *hi-five*

You've discovered true religion. Beyond all words.

*hi-five*, brother! :) I probably thanked you for this enough times personally but I cannot put in words how grateful I am to know about this stuff. I'm very thankful for that, Leo. Thanks for the information and guidance. You know I make good use of what you're saying.

I do have discovered true religion. I found out what I wanted to find out in this life. If I die today, I die as a happy man and I die in peace and surrender. But this is just the beginning. I tell you man, 5 years from now we will sit down in meditation, close our eyes and go beyond any experience that we even had with 5-MeO. Just think about it. Think about 10 years from now, or 20. We'll have an exciting time to say the least.

And nothing is required then yourself sitting down and being relaxed. :P


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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@Azrael Awesome man! I didn't get the awesome divine experience that you had but I ended up with the same conclusion, don't take life seriously and go with whatever happens. Once you see the emptiness of life there's literally nothing to be afraid of, and that in itself is beautiful beyond words :D

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9 hours ago, Azrael said:

I guess my ideal lifestyle will be that when I move to Vancouver, Canada - after finishing my studies - that I buy a house in the periphery, do some programming projects, meditate in hyperspace for most time and share my experiences in books so that more people get to know about it. Nothing else really makes sense.

Or... open up a 5-meo lab ;)


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Just now, Juan Cruz Giusto said:

@Azrael hey men! Congrats! Just to know, how old are you? 

Thanks, 20 years old. I started actualizing when I was 13. I don't know, I'm a little different in that respect then most people. I had my first online business with 14, did pickup from 15-19, read a lot about psychology, marketing, NLP, hypnosis all that stuff in that time span and then for the last 1.5 years I'm mainly focusing on enlightenment and my life purpose.

I always loved that stuff.


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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1 hour ago, zikzak said:

Breaking Bad 5-meo! ;)

YO MR. WHITE LET'S COOK SOME 5-MEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

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4 minutes ago, Juan Cruz Giusto said:

Cool! I'm 22 and I was kind of afraid to Travis psychedelics yet because I've read that the brain develops until 25.

Yeah, be careful. Do the research. Before I tried MeO I did one year in which I experimented with all sorts of other psychedelics in varied dosages. Also, I'm meditating and integrating it a lot. I think very carefully how much, when and in what context I do these things. That's why it needed 3 posts and lots of trial and error until I adjusted it in such away that I now know how much I need to breakthrough and don't damage myself. I also investigated how the last dosages changed me. But what I can tell is that it basically cleans you up (at least in my case). It's just pure awareness that's pumped in your head.

11 minutes ago, Juan Cruz Giusto said:

How did your goals change in your life after this experience? 

 

12 hours ago, Azrael said:

I guess my ideal lifestyle will be that when I move to Vancouver, Canada - after finishing my studies - that I buy a house in the periphery, do some programming projects, meditate in hyperspace for most time and share my experiences in books so that more people get to know about it. Nothing else really makes sense. Of course you can still leave some of the normal life in place to keep you grounded and in contact with the other folks, but 98% of it is a far out game to punish yourself and fuck you up for no particular reason. And I found more interesting things to do with my time.

But that is the plan now for a few years. MeO just motivated me even harder to do it that way. I plan pretty strategically and long term. I started planning moving to Berlin when I was 11 years old. :P


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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@Azrael lol.. That's great! I have to resolve some logistical issues before starting with psychedelics but in the meantime meditation and retreats will be. If you move to Canada and want to come to San Fran you are invited my friend! 


My YouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/2PSLrNb

 

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1 minute ago, Juan Cruz Giusto said:

If you move to Canada and want to come to San Fran you are invited my friend! 

Oh, I will definitely come back on this one. I will definitely visit the States in the next 5 years. :)


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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Geez I didn't imagine you to be that young! I'm surprised by the level of youth in these forums :P Spose it's a good sign for humanity.

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Read all trip report... amazing and congratulations! You guys are enabling all of us to have a concrete vision for what can be achieved with the actualizing journey, thanks! 

So, I'm 20 too, I've done the LP course but I'm procrastinating sooooo much, like I'm still after 8 month at ground 0, however I still want to ask these 2 questions:

- do you think psychedelics can help you regarding your life purpose? Like they could do something about it or they would just be counterproductive? My instinct is telling me that they could help but at the same time I should relay on my own at least a little bit for starting my life purpose, then I could use them. 

- I've just done weed and alcohol in my life. I've stop weed from more than 2 year now and alcohol for 4 month... Do you think weed could be a start for research regarding psychedelics or is not enough powerful? 

I know that regarding psychedelics and actualizing stuff there is answers are really grey and really "self instinct" dependent, but I still would like a new point of view from you guys :) 

 

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@Azrael When I read the first sentences I sensed you had a significant breakthrough. It does feel phony to write about it because it wasn't Azrael that had the experience was it?

Edited by WelcometoReality

He has no will of his own.
He dwells in reality,
and lets all illusions go.

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2 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

@Azrael When I read the first sentences I sensed you had a significant breakthrough. It does feel phony to write about it because it wasn't Azrael that had the experience was it?

Exactly, I felt like a needy bitch having to write about it. I actually had to wait for quite some time to be able to. But eventually I got it down and I think it helps.


They want reality, so I give 'em a fatal dosage.

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