I appear to have gone backwards (again)

[Seed]

Why does this always happen?

I make good, gradual proactive changes. I chip away at my belief patterns until one day they lose all sense of having existed.

I finally start to feel a sense of true nature. Happiness, joy and clarity. Obviously, still plenty of ups and downs, but i can feel my centre and get up when I fall.

And then suddenly out of nowhere, I wake up back where was a year ago, and then years before that too.

It's so disheartening. Here I am at beginning again.

I feel self concious, my mind goes blank, my sense of humour is nowhere to be seen. My relationship dilemma that I firmly conciously made a decision to stay in and have been  content with for months is now churning the same nonsense through my brain again.

I am assuming this is ego backlash? Or maybe something that needs addressing?

Any advice would be most welcome. 

Atm I am just using coping mechanisms to get through and hoping itll pass - such as mediation, excersize, work.

Thanks in advance wise ones. 

[caspex]

I would say that's a sign of progress. I think your mind is tryna work something out of you suddenly back. And well, as usual, just keep going. 

[SonataAllegro]

Go meta on the process and accept the Ying and Yang of it. You cannot have endless growth in one direction. The solution always lies in accepting both sides of what can seem like a war inside you. If you are in a "low", it is probably because there are emotions that need to get sorted out and expressed before you can move to a new "high". Allow yourself to try different tactics in life, different practices that suit a different set of needs, and radically accept every thought/feeling/judgement that you find.

[Seed]

@SonataAllegro @Swarnim great advice!! Thank you ☺️ 

[SamC]

@Seed Welcome to reality it's normal, don´t worry about it.

If you haven´t watched Leo´s vid on the dark side of meditation + the ego backlash vid. I highly recommend it.

blessings and love

[Eternity]

The expression "chipping away at my belief patterns" sounds like you believe there is anything to chip a the away at.  In other words you are trying to use the ego method of firmly believing what it tells you, that you are a flawed human being (body/mind) and so you constantly back slide.  What you aren't seeing is that you, your real SELF which is the Godhead is not a body/mind and does not have to struggle against imagined flaws.  That is all it is just a story that we accept from ego.  Think of all our experiences as the dreams we have at night, all of it is made up, and as soon as we wake up, we see it was just made up and doesn't effect us at all.

The best book that eradicated my out of control temper and selfishness with no effort was "A Course in Miracles" which is still available in print. All I was looking for was to love others more.  But the ego cannot help you to know what it takes.  The ego will send you on a wild goose chase every time.  The "voice" for God sees deeply into your spirit or soul. It simply lifts your consciousness above the imagined fray and after a while you notice your imaginary flaws just drop away.  They aren't there anymore, or one phrase or sentence strikes you suddenly and you see yourself the way others might.  Then you drop that habit like a hot potato.  But the entire thing is written in loving acceptance.  The first few hundred pages, it was almost like reading a foreign language.  It is in English but the phrasing is odd.  I figured I would just read it anyway and if I thought it was hogwash at the end I would just forget it.  But in the end it was like I needed and wanted to read it over and over again.  So for the next 5 years I read it over and over.  I still do, but not as frequently as I used to, but it is still eye opening more every time I do read it.  It is not a religion though in some cases it refers to a Bible phrase in order to correct the translation.  I was through with religion when I finally picked it up and I resisted reading it for fear it was some kind of cult book.  It was anything but.  I highly recommend it.  Even things you don't understand at first become clearer as you continue reading.

[Michael569]

In order to appreciate progress, you have to experience a relapse. Over and over again and once you climb back out of that hole you'll realise that while you were at it, the outside has changed a tiny little bit...for the better. And so you carry on and at some point, you fall right back and once you've crawled out, the world is again slightly better. That's how you progress. 

[flowboy]

I'm no stranger to this.

I deal with it by appreciating that while it looks like I'm back where I was, it's very different actually, because now, it takes only a couple days, whereas then, it was my reality for years. Also, it feels artificial and I can see through it as it happens. That awareness wasn't there before.

 

15 hours ago, Seed said:

I am assuming this is ego backlash? Or maybe something that needs addressing?

I vote for AND instead of or.

What nonsense is churning through your brain?

If you follow it down to the root, what is your inner child saying or wanting?

Edited April 1, 2021 by flowboy

[Seed]

@Eternity Thanks, I have ordered the book. 

[Seed]

@Michael569 Brilliant advice. Thank you!
 

[Seed]

20 hours ago, flowboy said:

I'm no stranger to this.

I deal with it by appreciating that while it looks like I'm back where I was, it's very different actually, because now, it takes only a couple days, whereas then, it was my reality for years. Also, it feels artificial and I can see through it as it happens. That awareness wasn't there before.

 

I vote for AND instead of or.

What nonsense is churning through your brain?

If you follow it down to the root, what is your inner child saying or wanting?

It's just bringing up the same ego related relationship issues that I had previously put to bed. Telling me to do things that are against my highest values and waking up dead emotions...... that have no use to me. 

 

Thanks fo the advice. x 

[Jacob Morres]

is normal!!

(ps sorry for droppin an image without any thoughts lol)

Edited April 2, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, Seed said:

It's just bringing up the same ego related relationship issues that I had previously put to bed. Telling me to do things that are against my highest values and waking up dead emotions...... that have no use to me. 

It seems like you are repressing and judging those thoughts, and that is what keeps them firmly fixed.

If you want them to go away, stop judging them. Have compassion and understanding for them.

Feel where they are coming from.

What does your inner child want?

 

Al those "dead" emotions DO have use to you... they are meaning to teach you something. Repressing that, is just not working. Listening and understanding without judgment is what will work. If you take your time to meditate on it and feel into it. First your ego will shout the loudest, telling you what everything is and that it knows everything already. Wait until that quiets down. Wait until the softer voice can be heard. Wait until you feel something.

 

?
 

Edited April 2, 2021 by flowboy

[Stephen]

Watch this , I think it's REALLY applicable

 

 

[Origins]

@Seed It can be body. It can be mind. It can be both.

Feel free to checkout anything useful here for you, I recommend as noted the Wim Hof method because if you've got a good memory and therefore it has nothing to with your capacity to remember your insights about life and how you'd like to live along with good strategies on how to do that it more than likely has something to do with your nervous system. Wim Hof plus learning the method I describe in the link added in the following link:

Feel free to ask any further questions ( and of course I realise your issues have nothing to do with anxiety, it can be used for most if state management where conscious thought in the context of a feedback loop can be optimised for ones betterment )

 

[integral]

Are you writing down your insights? I like to organize them in a mind map, for some reason the spaciousness helps things stick. 

When there is growth, get to the root of it then right it down. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by integral