Men: How do you feel & react when you see women cry?

[Judy2]

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The one who's sympathy is asked for.

In the context of this thread, the man.

You are welcome to cry all you want by yourself.

okay

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Children are clever little devils who know how to use tears to manipulate and avoid responsibility.

I think we do have to take children at least a little seriously, though. Even if we think their reasons for crying are silly. 

Otherwise, that's gonna mess with their emotional development. 

Imagine ignoring your 10-year-old daughter when she cries, or even your five-year-old daughter. Or telling them "ha, you're just being silly!" That's how you raise someone with serious attachment trauma. 

Of course, there are differences between children and adults. That is why i chose not to bring this up as an example. I thought it was obvious that there are good reasons to be sympathetic with children.

Edited 4 hours ago by Judy2

[Leo Gura]

27 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

I think we do have to take children at least a little seriously, though.

As I originally said, if it's serious take it seriously.

[Schizophonia]

How do you react if you saw a girl stuck in the washing machine 

[trenton]

13 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

What emotions / feelings come up for you? Sympathy, heartbreak, disgust, sadness, pity etc

So you feel compelled to action? 

I have seen women cry tears of joy. I end up feeling proud of myself and happy that I managed to turn her life around. This happened when my coworker was a victim of predatory loaning, putting her 60,000 dollars in debt. I showed her Biden's student loan forgiveness program which was open at the time and she qualified. It ended up turning her life around after being stuck in fruitless legal battles for 15 years.

I have also seen women who were completely distraught. I will assume you mean an adult rather than a three year old girl on the side of the road abandoned by her parents, in which case I felt that she couldn't be ignored and I needed to do something about it. When I see women crying, I feel morally compelled to speak with them and not ignore them. Sometimes these women are suicidal because they are victims of identity theft and they are being framed for crimes they didn't commit while the perpetrators make obscene amounts of money, forcing the victim to go homeless. I then feel the need to research potential resources for this person as I did with the victim of predatory loaning.

Apparently it is common for people with autism to express compassion through practical problem solving. I do this with men as well when I called 911 to prevent a man from jumping off of the bridge.

Alternatively, if I get the impression that a woman is being a cry bully trying to manipulate me, I look at her either disapprovingly or with complete indifference to crocodile tears.

[Juan]

Whether it is a man or woman it doesn’t matter to me, I ask if they’re ok and depending on their answer I choose if to dive deeper and see if I can help.

[AION]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

How do you react if you saw a girl stuck in the washing machine 

What if she had nothing on

Edited 2 hours ago by AION

[Judy2]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

As I originally said, if it's serious take it seriously.

yes, sorry.

[meta_male]

17 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

What emotions / feelings come up for you? Sympathy, heartbreak, disgust, sadness, pity etc

So you feel compelled to action?

For me it's usually sympathy when they try to hide it and their eyes tear up. But I've had girls throw a tantrum crying and that's when I feel disgusted. It really depends on the reason. There's been times when it made me tear up too. I just listen, no action needed, maybe a hug, depending on who it is.

 

[meta_male]

3 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

How do you react if you saw a girl stuck in the washing machine

It depends on who it is.

[Joseph Maynor]

I don't know how I feel about this in the abstract.  

[yetineti]

I’ve seen men and women break and people cry for all sorts of reasons. I’ve noticed a few types.

There is crying, and there is bawling. Bawling is what I’d consider “max crying.”

If somebody is bawling, man or woman, there are usually only a select few options that actually comfort them or provide direction.

Silent presence works 80% of the time. If you know them, give them a hug; if you don’t—ask. If it’s somebody you’re very close to, and they’re really bawling, probably collapsed, hyperventilating, a restraining full-body hug can be surprisingly effective. I’ll lie behind them and hug them with my arms and legs, quite tightly. No words, maybe shhhhhs, like a baby. I only bring this up because it’s been a gut reaction a few times. I had considered it before, as I’ve seen people bawl. It helped with my dad, though. And, separately, a girl I was with. Seemed like the best option at the time. I recognized that people’s minds can overwhelm them, and literal restraint can be comforting.

Extreme scenarios. Silent presence works 80% of the time. If they’re really bawling, time slows down for me. It’s not exactly explainable.

Sometimes, if it’s more basic crying, identifying whether they’re looking for more comfort or more direction helps. Men usually want more direction. Women usually want more comfort.

(Usually) Comfort is: listening. Listening is: waiting for an actionable. The actionable is: repeat what they said and demonstrate it (especially if it’s about you).

Comforts can also be:

Walk away (rare)

Walk away—come back with food

Suggest food

Ask them what they want

“Spar Listen”—where you pseudo-defend yourself or the subject’s objections in a self-defeating manner that is funny and highlights the silliness

Suggest an activity (favorite show, etc.)

Encourage/reward previous or future activity

Reminders, context

Offer a formal “it’s okay to move on”

Do something specific to address the actual problem

“New Plans,” where you rewrite the day (not literally, but at least “rewrite the problem” in a way that would sound good or workable to most)

For direction:

Listening—still, especially if the person thinks out loud

FORGET WHAT THEY WANT, tell them what they need, especially if you can repeat something they said themselves that points to that need, or can gently identify a pattern with a relatable solution that highlights a path forward. But really, don’t tell them. Talk about it.

Logistics

a. Actionables

b. Contingencies (can be pressuring, but if legitimate, the rational mind will see options deplete and create the actionables itself)

Walk away, let them figure it out

Ask simple questions

Ask challenging questions, depending on the person

Wait X amount of time, then attempt one of the above options if timing feels paramount to its effectiveness

Any combination of the above options

People are funny. You have to know the person or have a high EQ before you go trying to body-hug people into comfort, obviously.

I tend to think less about why somebody is crying and more about the fact that they are, and I want it to stop lol. But that can’t happened dishonestly and it has to meet the person where they are at, in a way that helps everybody and the situation.

I lived with my mom alone through high school. Probably odd timing for both of us. Before that, a handful of kids were babysat in our house for the first 10+ years of my life. Also, my dad worked from home—and when we weren’t the perfect family, mommy and daddy made each other cry a bit themselves.

Among the regular surprises in life. Sometimes the best move is not to think about it. Maybe that’s more of the male default, anyhow.

I like options.

 

Edited 12 minutes ago by yetineti

[yetineti]

People cry more on impulse, habit or survival, more than they consciously fake it, in my experience. 

Calling it fake or ignoring it on those grounds would only work in pick up, on the first few dates with someone, someone you’re just getting to know or interact with via work frequently, etc.

This shouldn’t be a notable problem with in our own lives, if we are surrounding ourselves with good people.

If it is, I’d suggest better people or considering more workable solutions.

What ‘little thing’ could actually be solved?

Maybe the solution is faster and more of a win-win-win than what meets the eye.

Edited 6 minutes ago by yetineti