How do i recognise when someone is treating me bad?

[Asia P]

I feel like other people, my family included, are treating me bad, because i do feel very bad when i am in company. I feel like i want to run away from everyone. I feel like people approach me only when they need something from me. This makes me feel sad. 
Why do i see evil in everyone? Am i the evil one? 

[Rishabh R]

@Asia P Same experience with my relatives. I apply a general rule by asking myself - Are their opinions worth giving a F--- about ? Most of the time answer is - No it doesn't matter. 

[PolyPeter]

hey
sounds like a difficult situation

I have no idea or more context, but recently i came across this guy tim fletcher, who talks a lot about ctpsd. complex truama. 

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSCybLjDZhs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqr98O8QT3M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q05UsS3x90w

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXzaSHeJHWE

 

Edited Friday at 05:53 PM by Raze

[Joseph Maynor]

31 minutes ago, Rishabh R said:

I apply a general rule by asking myself - Are their opinions worth giving a F--- about ? Most of the time answer is - No it doesn't matter. 

Interesting.  

[Jirh]

1 hour ago, Asia P said:

How do i recognise when someone is treating me bad?

You are asking the right questions.

Although, unfortunately, there's no easy way to tell. "Bad" itself is a relative concept that differs among people and time and place.

It's not impossible though, but it takes work; time and effort.

1 hour ago, Asia P said:

I feel like other people, my family included, are treating me bad, because i do feel very bad when i am in company. I feel like i want to run away from everyone.

The feeling of wanting to run away from everyone is your body and mind screaming at you. It is a signal that something is deeply wrong with your environment and your interactions with it. You should listen to that signal. It's the truest thing you know.

1 hour ago, Asia P said:

I feel like people approach me only when they need something from me. This makes me feel sad. 
Why do i see evil in everyone? Am i the evil one? 

Again, you are asking the right questions. The fact that you are examining your own role in this shows you are not the evil one.

However, you should pause here. You are not evil. You are being used. That's awful. But it's not your fault.

This pattern is known to happen to people who self-sacrifice, over-give, tolerate, stay too long, are easygoing, too nice, too generous, too forgiving, etc...

If you are born with a high threshold for toxic behavior, you will likely experience this pattern.

Or if you are desperate for human connection, you will have low standards and at the same time it will make you an easy target for people who lack integrity.

Or if you were conditioned to trauma and learned to cope early in your childhood, toxic behavior will seem normal to you, so you don't even recognize it, which probably fits the question you're asking.

Perhaps you have a mix of all the above. The short answer is that it's a problem with boundaries, self-image, and sense of self.

I'll leave you with practical advice from DeepSeek:

Quote

Here is a practical way to start recognizing mistreatment and building the boundaries you lack:

Step 1: Stop analyzing their motives, start trusting your feelings.

You feel sad. You feel used. You feel like running away. These feelings are not a "clash of agendas." They are data. They are your internal alarm system telling you that a situation is not safe or healthy for you. The first step is to validate your own feelings. When you feel that pang of sadness after an interaction, do not say, "Maybe they didn't mean it." Instead, say, "This interaction makes me feel sad. This is my signal that something about this is not okay for me."

Step 2: Identify the specific behaviors, not the abstract "bad."

"Treating me bad" is too vague. You need to see the concrete actions. Start a simple journal or note on your phone. After an interaction that leaves you feeling bad, write down:

Who was it?

What happened? (e.g., "My sister called and talked for 30 minutes about her problems, then hung up when I started talking about my day.")

What was the "ask"? (e.g., "She needed me to listen.")

How did I feel? (e.g., "Sad, used, invisible.")

After a week, look at the patterns. You will likely see clear, repeated behaviors. The evidence will be on the page. It is much harder to doubt a written record than a vague feeling.

Step 3: Learn what a boundary is (and isn't).

A boundary is not about controlling the other person's behavior. It is a rule you set for yourself about what you will and will not tolerate, and what the consequence will be.

Not a boundary: "You need to stop calling me only when you need something."

A boundary: "I am no longer available to be a one-sided emotional support. If a conversation is only about the other person's needs, I will politely end the call."

Step 4: Start practicing with small, low-stakes boundaries.

You cannot change your family dynamics overnight. Start small.

A friend asks for a favor you don't have time for? Say, "I can't help with that this week, but I hope you figure it out." Do not offer a lengthy excuse.

Someone calls to vent again? After a few minutes, say, "I have to go now. I hope things get better." Then hang up.

The goal is to feel the discomfort of saying "no" and to learn that the world does not end. People who respect you will accept your "no." People who were only using you will get angry, guilt-trip you, or disappear. This is the most important information you will ever receive about them.

Step 5: Reclaim your time and energy.

Your time is the one thing you can never get back. When someone approaches you, ask yourself: "What is the cost of this interaction to my energy, my time, and my self-respect?" If the cost is always high and the return is always zero, you have your answer.

Finally, therapy is a very good idea. This pattern was likely learned long ago, and a professional can help you unlearn it in a safe environment. You are not asking for too much by expecting reciprocity, respect, and kindness. You are asking for the bare minimum of human decency, and you deserve it.

Good luck, and take care!

Edited Friday at 07:16 PM by Jirh

[Asia P]

@Jirh thank you

[AerisVahnEphelia]

no you good, people project into you energy and you start to believe the energy might be you.
 

do not let yourself suffer by "duty", you've a right to peace & happiness and your mental & physical health is a normal thing to protect and preserve.

[Judy2]

generally, this is one of the main functions of emotions: to quickly evaluate situations you find yourself in. 

but there can also be such cases when emotions are under- or overly present in the sense that they are either repressed or disproportionally triggered due to prior experiences, so they do not "fit" the severity of the present situation.

a goal for a healthy human being may be to tune in with themselves enough to develop emotional regulation that is somewhat adequate to present situations, because in this way emotions can serve to help answer questions such as "is this person treating me badly?". or at least if a disproportionate emotional reaction occurs (realistically speaking, we all get triggered from time to time), it is helpful to recognise this as such.

 

take anger, for example. some people don't get angry enough when boundaries are being violated, and feel sadness instead, blame themselves, etc. others feel overly angry. both dispositions are likely shaped by past experiences. there can be a healthy amount of anger, too, which serves the function of letting you know reliably when your boundaries are being crossed, for example, by family members.

Edited Friday at 08:13 PM by Judy2

[Basman]

Are they treating you poorly or are you being insecure in a way where you are emotionally aroused even when others have no real intent?

Fun fact: most breakups happen not because the other person actually did something but because one made the other feel insecure.

[LordFall]

Sounds like a not fun situation either way! 

Well how do you want to be treated and how big is the difference between that and how you are treated? Also how you dependent are you on other people? If you are for example without a job and you have a family that's very nagging then the core problem is not really about if they're really treating you bad or not it's that you're stuck in a situation you don't wanna be in.

If you are financially independent and emotionally independent through meditation and solving your trauma and codependency then it's much easier to literally only allow people into your life that you appreciate and make you feel good. 

Edited yesterday at 12:11 AM by LordFall

[Ulax]

You need a sophisticated understanding of unhealthy/ healthy behaviour. The normal societal understanding isn't sophisticated enough.

[ZenSwift]

Answering your typic question directly. 

A simple assessment of your relationships may be all you need. 

ChatGPT gives a surprisingly insight provoking answer. 

Output:

THE RESPECT TEST

Ask yourself:

Do they respect my boundaries? Can I say no without being punished, guilted, pressured, or retaliated against? Can I make choices they disagree with? Can I disagree without being insulted or belittled? Are my needs taken seriously? Is my time and effort respected?

The important test is not how they treat you when everything is going their way. It is how they treat you when your wants conflict with theirs.

GOTTMAN'S FOUR HORSEMEN

Relationship researcher John Gottman identified four destructive patterns:

Criticism = Attacking your character instead of addressing a specific behavior.

Contempt = Mockery, disgust, ridicule, superiority, eye-rolling, humiliation, or deliberately making you feel small.

Defensiveness = Refusing responsibility, making excuses, counterattacking, or constantly turning the issue back onto you.

Stonewalling = Shutting down or withdrawing rather than engaging with the problem.

Contempt is particularly concerning.

THE RECIPROCITY TEST

Look at what each person contributes over months, not individual days.

Who gives more time? Who provides emotional support? Who does the practical work? Who contributes resources? Who makes sacrifices? Who initiates repair after conflict? Who accommodates the other person? Who takes responsibility when something goes wrong?

Relationships do not need to be 50/50 all the time.

The warning sign is chronic one-sidedness combined with entitlement.

THE DOUBLE-STANDARD TEST

Ask:

"Would they accept this behavior if I did exactly the same thing to them?"

They can yell, but you cannot.

They can disappear, but you must always respond.

They can criticize your friends, but you cannot criticize theirs.

Their mistakes deserve understanding, while yours supposedly reveal something wrong with your character.

Repeated double standards can reveal an unequal relationship.

THE BOUNDARY RESPONSE TEST

Say:

"I'm not comfortable with that."

Then pay attention to what happens.

A healthy person may disagree, feel disappointed, ask questions, or negotiate.

A concerning response looks more like:

Guilt. Pressure. Anger. Threats. Silent treatment. Retaliation. Intimidation. Ignoring the boundary anyway.

They do not have to like your boundary.

They do have to recognize your right to have one.

THE REPAIR TEST

People hurt each other. The important question is what happens afterward.

Healthy repair tends to look like:

Recognition -> Responsibility -> Empathy -> Apology -> Changed behavior.

Unhealthy repair tends to look like:

Denial -> Justification -> Blaming you -> Apology -> Same behavior again.

Do not measure accountability primarily by how convincing someone's apology sounds.

Measure it by what they do afterward.

INTENT VS. IMPACT VS. PATTERN

Ask three separate questions:

Did they intend to hurt me?

Did their behavior actually hurt me?

Does the behavior continue after they understand its effect on me?

Someone can hurt you accidentally without treating you poorly.

The pattern becomes much more informative when it looks like:

Mistake -> Feedback -> Opportunity to change -> Same behavior again.

THE POWER AND CONTROL TEST

Ask whether they attempt to control:

Who you see. Where you go. What you wear. Your money. Your work. Your friendships. Your sexuality. Your phone or privacy. Your transportation. Your ability to leave an argument. Your ability to leave the relationship.

Also pay attention to intimidation, threats, surveillance, coercion, property destruction, or deliberately creating dependency.

Those are not merely communication problems. They involve power and control.

THE SIX-QUESTION SUMMARY

Ask yourself:

RESPECT: Do they protect my dignity?

FREEDOM: Am I allowed to make my own choices?

RECIPROCITY: Do both people's needs matter?

SAFETY: Can I disagree without fearing punishment or retaliation?

ACCOUNTABILITY: When they hurt me, can they genuinely take responsibility?

CHANGE: Once a recurring problem has been clearly addressed, does their behavior actually change?

And perhaps the most revealing question:

"WHO DO I HAVE TO BECOME FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP TO WORK?"

Do I have to become quieter?

Less honest?

Less demanding?

Constantly accommodating?

Hypervigilant?

Afraid to disagree?

Responsible for managing the other person's emotions?

Unable to say no?

If maintaining the relationship requires progressively giving up your dignity, autonomy, boundaries, or voice, the problem may be much deeper than ordinary relationship conflict.

 

[ZenSwift]

One more chatGPT output:

 

RELATIONSHIP HEALTH ASSESSMENT

Score each category from 0–10.

0 = Extremely unhealthy
2 = Seriously unhealthy
5 = Mixed / inconsistent
8 = Generally healthy
10 = Exceptionally healthy

Score what actually happens, not what either person intends, promises, or could potentially become.

---

1. RESPECT

Do they treat me as someone whose feelings, time, opinions, boundaries, and dignity matter?

- Do they speak respectfully when angry?
- Can I disagree without being belittled?
- Do they respect my privacy?
- Do they respect my possessions?
- Do they avoid humiliation, insults, contempt, and ridicule?

Score: __ / 10

---

2. EMOTIONAL SAFETY

How safe does it feel to be psychologically open around them?

- Can I tell the truth?
- Can I admit mistakes?
- Can I express hurt?
- Can I bring up problems?
- Can I say something they don't want to hear?
- Can I be vulnerable without having it weaponized later?

Score: __ / 10

---

3. TRUST

Can I reasonably trust what this person tells me?

- Do their words generally match reality?
- Do they keep agreements?
- Do I feel compelled to check up on them?
- Do they hide important information?
- Do I trust them when I'm not around?

Score: __ / 10

---

4. HONESTY & INTEGRITY

Do they tell difficult truths even when dishonesty would benefit them?

- Do their actions match their stated values?
- Do they manipulate facts?
- Do they conveniently change their version of events?
- Can they admit something that makes them look bad?

Score: __ / 10

---

5. RECIPROCITY

Does this feel like two people participating in a relationship rather than one person carrying it?

Consider:

- Money
- Household work
- Planning
- Affection
- Emotional support
- Problem-solving
- Sexual consideration
- Sacrifice
- Initiating conversations
- Repairing conflicts

Temporary imbalance is normal.

Chronic imbalance + entitlement is different.

Score: __ / 10

---

6. INTEREST & CURIOSITY

Does this person actually want to know me?

- Do they ask about my internal world?
- Do they remember things that matter to me?
- Do they want to understand why I think the way I do?
- Do they take interest in my goals?
- Do they listen without simply waiting to talk?

Ask yourself:

"Do I feel known?"

Score: __ / 10

---

7. COMMUNICATION

Can we exchange information accurately and respectfully?

- Can both people explain themselves?
- Can both people listen?
- Can misunderstandings be corrected?
- Can difficult subjects be discussed?
- Can we communicate without yelling, insults, manipulation, or shutdown?

Score: __ / 10

---

8. CONFLICT QUALITY

Forget how good the relationship is when everyone is happy.

What happens when our interests collide?

Does conflict become:

Us vs. the problem?

Or:

Me vs. you?

Watch especially for:

- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Intimidation
- Punishment
- Scorekeeping
- Stonewalling

Score: __ / 10

---

9. ACCOUNTABILITY

What happens when they clearly do something wrong?

Can they say:

«"I did that."

"I understand why that hurt you."

"I shouldn't have done it."

"I'm sorry."

"I'll handle it differently."»

Or does accountability become:

Denial → Excuse → Counterattack → Blame → Victimhood

Score: __ / 10

---

10. REPAIR

After conflict, does the relationship actually recover?

- Do apologies lead to behavioral change?
- Can both people reconnect?
- Can unresolved issues eventually become resolved issues?
- Or does the same argument disappear temporarily and return later?

Score: __ / 10

---

11. BOUNDARIES

What happens when I say no?

This is one of the most revealing categories.

A person doesn't have to enjoy your boundary. But do they recognize your right to have one?

Watch for:

- Pressure
- Guilt
- Anger
- Threats
- Punishment
- Silent treatment
- Repeated negotiation after you've already said no
- Ignoring the boundary entirely

Score: __ / 10

---

12. AUTONOMY

Can I remain an independent human being inside this relationship?

Can I have:

- Friends?
- Interests?
- Privacy?
- Goals?
- Time alone?
- Different opinions?
- Different preferences?
- Independent decisions?

Or does independence create conflict?

Score: __ / 10

---

13. POWER

How evenly distributed is decision-making power?

- Can both people influence major decisions?
- Does one person's anger effectively give them veto power?
- Does one person control money, transportation, housing, sex, social relationships, or access to resources?
- Can either person leave a disagreement without fearing consequences?

Score: __ / 10

---

14. FAIRNESS / DOUBLE STANDARDS

Ask:

"Would this person accept the same behavior from me?"

Compare:

- Their privacy vs. my privacy
- Their mistakes vs. my mistakes
- Their friendships vs. my friendships
- Their anger vs. my anger
- Their spending vs. my spending
- Their sexual boundaries vs. mine
- Their free time vs. mine

Score: __ / 10

---

15. AFFECTION & WARMTH

How much genuine warmth exists between us?

Consider:

- Affection
- Touch
- Kindness
- Humor
- Playfulness
- Encouragement
- Gratitude
- Enjoyment of each other's presence

Don't simply ask:

"Do we love each other?"

Ask:

"Does loving behavior regularly occur?"

Score: __ / 10

---

16. INTIMACY

Do we experience meaningful emotional and/or physical closeness?

- Can we be vulnerable?
- Do we feel desired?
- Do we feel accepted?
- Can sexual needs and boundaries be discussed?
- Is intimacy mutually wanted rather than demanded or withheld as leverage?

Score: __ / 10

---

17. SUPPORT

Does this person generally want me to flourish?

- When something good happens to me, are they happy for me?
- Do they support my development?
- Do they encourage competence and independence?
- Or do my successes somehow threaten them?

Score: __ / 10

---

18. VALUES & LIFE DIRECTION

Do we want sufficiently compatible lives?

Consider:

- Children
- Marriage
- Money
- Lifestyle
- Career
- Sex
- Family
- Religion/spirituality
- Where to live
- Substances
- Monogamy
- Division of responsibilities
- Long-term priorities

Love cannot necessarily solve structural incompatibility.

Score: __ / 10

---

19. RELIABILITY

When this person says they'll do something, what happens?

- Do I have to remind them constantly?
- Can I depend on them during difficult periods?
- Do they carry responsibilities without requiring supervision?

Score: __ / 10

---

20. GROWTH & ADAPTABILITY

Can the relationship evolve?

- Can either person receive feedback?
- Can dysfunctional patterns actually change?
- Can both people learn new relationship skills?
- Or does every attempt at change eventually return to the same equilibrium?

Score: __ / 10

---

21. HOW AM I BECOMING?

Look at the effect the relationship is having on you.

Since entering this relationship, am I becoming:

More secure or more anxious?

More confident or less confident?

More authentic or more performative?

More independent or more dependent?

More peaceful or more hypervigilant?

More expressive or more silent?

More myself or progressively smaller?

Score: __ / 10

---

22. DO I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE HERE?

Temporarily remove:

- Shared housing
- Children
- Money
- History
- Fear of loneliness
- Fear of hurting them
- Family expectations
- Sunk costs
- Hope that they'll eventually change

Then ask:

«"If I met this person today, knowing everything I know now, would I choose this relationship?"»

Score: __ / 10

---

ANALYSIS 1: OVERALL HEALTH

Add all 22 scores and divide by 22.

8–10: Strong overall functioning
6–7.9: Generally functional with meaningful weaknesses
4–5.9: Substantial relationship problems
2–3.9: Seriously dysfunctional
0–1.9: Extremely unhealthy

These aren't clinical cutoffs. They're simply a thinking tool.

---

ANALYSIS 2: FIND THE BOTTLENECK

Circle your five lowest scores.

Those may tell you more than the overall average.

For example:

Respect: 3/10
Trust: 8/10
Communication: 5/10
Affection: 9/10
Boundaries: 2/10

Average scores can hide serious problems.

A relationship with tremendous affection and terrible respect isn't necessarily "moderately healthy."

---

ANALYSIS 3: LOOK FOR RED-LINE PROBLEMS

Some behaviors shouldn't simply be averaged against positive qualities.

Pay special attention to:

- Fear of your partner
- Coercion
- Threats
- Violence
- Sexual coercion
- Intimidation
- Extreme control
- Isolation
- Financial control
- Persistent humiliation
- Repeated serious deception
- Retaliation for boundaries

Ten wonderful characteristics don't mathematically cancel one dangerous one.

---

THE FINAL 7 QUESTIONS

1. Am I treated with dignity?

2. Can I safely be myself?

3. Are both people's needs important?

4. Can problems actually be solved?

5. Does accountability lead to behavioral change?

6. Is this relationship making both of us better, or progressively damaging one or both of us?

7. If absolutely nothing about this person or relationship changed for the next five years, would I willingly choose these five years?

---

FIVE DIFFERENT QUESTIONS

Finally, separate these questions:

Do we love each other?

Are we compatible?

Is this relationship healthy?

Does this relationship work?

Should this relationship continue?

These are five different questions.

Two people can genuinely love each other while giving very different answers to the other four.

[PsychedelicEagle]

Quote

How do i recognise when someone is treating me bad?

Ultimately only you can answer this. If you outsource this decision, you open room to feel betrayed, because it was ultimately not you who chose what is acceptable or not.

It requires deep connection with your own emotions, assertiveness, courage to deal with the consequences of enforcing your boundaries.

A key paradigm in assertiveness is that you are responsible for how you feel, and that has higher priority than trying to manage how others feel. So focus on how you feel first and foremost. You are not responsible for how other people feel or to manage their expectations.

Let people reach out to you and only help when it makes you feel good. Over time that will help to stop seeing yourself as a victim and open room for less-resentful connections. Ultimately social connections are about survival. So everyone is interacting with other people for selfish reasons — that is fine.

That's the reason why I'm in this forum btw: to learn something from other people, and to share what I know because that makes ME feel good.

If someone asks something from you:

1. Ask yourself: do I truly feel like helping at this moment? Think it through — take time to reply. If you feel pressured, just say straight up: I need time to evaluate if I can help here. If they keep pressuring you, the default is to not help.
2. Whether helping or not, communicate clearly what it is that you can or can't contribute with respectfully and assertively.

 

TIP: The smoother and the more respectfully you enforce your boundaries, the easier it is to hold them long term. If you overreact (e.g., angry response due to accumulated feelings), you may feel guilty and tend to downcompensate next time you interact with the person, which makes it harder for them to understand your needs and where you're coming from.

The nice thing is when you openly and clearly communicate your needs you'll see that more often than not people are willing to help. If they aren't, then it's a red flag.

Edited yesterday at 10:22 AM by PsychedelicEagle

[Rishabh R]

On 8/21/2026 at 10:53 PM, Rishabh R said:

@Asia P Same experience with my relatives. I apply a general rule by asking myself - Are their opinions worth giving a F--- about ? Most of the time answer is - No it doesn't matter. 

Sorry @Asia P today I realized today that I lied to you regarding this . By the way I do apply this rule few times while facing disrespect from my relatives however I have made my values more important than their respect or disrespect .

[oOo]

My methodology is very straightforward.

I only have people in my life that treat me well.

Any discrepancies and I trust myself to apply mediation with integrity.

If it fails, it fails not because I didn't facilitate prudently. 

This takes time to learn, and I am still learning on how to do it well. 

Baseline rule of thumb: Healthy boundaries makes answering the question intuitively easy.