Why can't I stop hurting every time I get rejected?

[Something Funny]

Logically, I don't even really care and know that everything is okay and that I am making progress. But emotionally, I just feel so sad, empty, and alone. It hurts like a bitch.

[Kid A]

Because our minds aren’t adapted for the rejections we experience in modern society. Our emotions are adapted to a pre-historic society, where rejection was something that could lead to isolation and thus death. No wonder why it hurts like hell.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW-CvGwRLX0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uHpPI3lz1Q https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHfAMh6Edm4 https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-be-resilient-and-bounce-back-rejection

Edited yesterday at 05:39 AM by Raze

[Hojo]

Because you are making fiction in your head and sabotaging yourself. Its very hard to do but this is what going with the flow means. Everytime you think about conversations you are going to have or think about other people when they are not there you are sabotaging yourself. It seems like you are preparing but its going to have a counter effect to what you want.

As a man when you do this you are confusing yourself we are trained to do it but not built for it.

The best thing a man can do is nothing. Especially with thinking about woman. Once you get traumatized you will go into thought spirals that sabotage you later.

You might think how can thinking about a person sabotage it but it will everytime 100 percent without exception.

The more you think about a date the more chances it will get fked up. The more lonely you get the more you sabotage this spirals fast. If you are interested in a girl and want to date its best to stay not interested. Just say to yourself not interested and you will be in better flow for real life.

Woman can do this kind of stuff men can't. Let them do it and you go play video games or something. Let them do the mind work.

Once you fall into this pit its hard to get out cause you actually have to do nothing to get out. And when you do nothing you spiral again cause you are lonely.

When you think too much it will show to a woman when you talk to her cause you want her to like you. She will clearly see you are doing it and won't like you because of it. You will be oblivious that you are doing it or be oblivious that you are giving tells that you are desperate for love.

This is a survival mechanism woman have. To be able to see these tells that you were thinking about them alot. This activity is threatening to a woman.

You are a logical creature diving into the realms of unlogical thinking and you will drown in it and go mad.

Edited yesterday at 03:19 AM by Hojo

[Hojo]

@RazeThat first man is being way too aggressive.

[TheCloud]

First of all, emotions are normal.  What you're going through is not something that needs to be rejected, or rather, rejecting it might make it worse.

Second, what do you do to manage your mental health?  You need to find something you can reliably sit down and do to work through things like this.

[Something Funny]

@Hojo thank you, great advise.

[Something Funny]

1 hour ago, TheCloud said:

First of all, emotions are normal.  What you're going through is not something that needs to be rejected, or rather, rejecting it might make it worse.

Second, what do you do to manage your mental health?  You need to find something you can reliably sit down and do to work through things like this.

I don't have a dedicated mental health practice. Or a routine in general. My life is a mess right now.

[Lucasxp64]

For me, rejection was hell, but the worst was not rejection itself. It was when someone acted bipolar about me, switching on and off, leaving me corroded inside. I would rather face an honest “no” than that toxic uncertainty.

I learned to reframe rejection: sometimes the conditions of success are simply not there. Maybe she is not in the mood, maybe she is already in a relationship, maybe she is not my type, or we are so incompatible that forcing it would only make me miserable. Rejection can be a blessing, opening space for the right woman.

Dating feels random, frustrating, yet it is also our advantage. Action turns probabilities into reality. My seven-year streak of "failure" was not fate, it was inaction and clinging to toxic chances. (I did get content with toxic long-distance relationships, because I don't have my things handled yet). When I finally acted the right way more frequently, I had some success with women I never expected, even if yet it didn't lead to a girlfriend.

Rejection frees energy for the right woman, who might appear right after the last “no.” But if rejection shakes me emotionally, I risk losing her before even trying.

We feel pain for the losses we see, yet ignore the unseen ones, the women who never entered our lives because we froze.

Imagine those alternative realities that you lost, not just in dating, but in your career, in personal development, in your own emotional development through journaling and meditative practices... There is work to be done here about those feelings, action and experience is supposed to improve your inner life after setbacks. Adapt, even if adapting means letting go from the burden of feeling pressured to have a girlfriend right now, so you can focus on your inner life and career. But emotionally, in your inner game, you're also growing for dating better.

I've seen the mistake of many guys out there, they are so defeatist that things such as spirituality becomes poisoned to them because they are so hyper-fixated on getting women, they inner game is rotten, they have no inner peace, getting rejected by one random girl affirms all of this psychotic defeatist inner mindset that knows nothing of probabilistic mindset.

Edited 22 hours ago by Lucasxp64
Rewrote for clarity and breviety my long text using AI

[TheCloud]

9 hours ago, Something Funny said:

I don't have a dedicated mental health practice. Or a routine in general. My life is a mess right now.

 

What are your top messiest issues?

[Vercingetorix]

Mindsets that I find useful:

Learn not to take them too seriously. laugh at them. Whatever you can laugh at doesn't have power over you. Whenever you catch yourself identifying with the hurting thoughts, recognize how funny this whole situation is.

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens (Rumi).

It fucking hurts, but it's ok. The pain is growing you.

Understand that there isn't another option; you have to go through those rejections. So, might as well face them sooner rather than later.

 

[EternalForest]

Try to look at rejection as something neccesary. Think of it this way, even if you wanted to be friends with everyone in the world, you couldn't. You wouldn't have the time. Same thing with a partner, even more so. As long as you have some faith that at least one person will say yes to you, that's all you need. Put your time and energy into the people that say yes, not the ones who reject you. Not to say you shouldn't learn from your rejections, but stop taking them so seriously. Again, it's inevitable, or everyone would have billions of relationships and not be able to tend to any of them.

 

[Tenebroso]

12 hours ago, EternalForest said:

Try to look at rejection as something neccesary. Think of it this way, even if you wanted to be friends with everyone in the world, you couldn't. You wouldn't have the time. Same thing with a partner, even more so. As long as you have some faith that at least one person will say yes to you, that's all you need. Put your time and energy into the people that say yes, not the ones who reject you. Not to say you shouldn't learn from your rejections, but stop taking them so seriously. Again, it's inevitable, or everyone would have billions of relationships and not be able to tend to any of them.

 

What if nobody has ever said yes and you are in your 30's?

[Leo Gura]

Stop doing it.

You have to realize you are doing the suffering. Stop creating the idea of rejection.

Do not allow your mind to think the thought, "I got rejected" and the like.

Your focus needs to be on having fun and enjoying yourself, not on any particular girl accepting you. You don't need their acceptance. That is not why you are socializing. You are socializing for the joy of socializing.

You didn't get rejected, you just met a person who wasn't a right match.

Edited 2 hours ago by Leo Gura

[bazera]

@Leo Gura

Quote

Stop doing it.

You have to realize you are doing the suffering. Stop creating the idea of rejection.

But how? 

Ralston talks about that in his books and podcasts as well, to just stop doing it, but I don't understand how, I am not aware of myself creating / doing the thought / emotion, it feels automatic. Even if I force myself to not think of rejection for example, it feels untruthful because deep down I feel myself being hurt. 

Does your answer assume some high-level self-awareness skill that meditation helps develop for example?

Edited 2 hours ago by bazera

[Leo Gura]

14 minutes ago, bazera said:

But how? 

Just do it.

Stop asking how.

Stop thinking those thoughts. Do it and keep doing it until you stop thinking those thoughts.

I am not asking to stop all thinking. That is virtually impossible. I am just asking you to not indulge those thoughts by focusing on other things. This does not require some super Godly state.

You can't be hurt if you don't think hurtful thoughts. Catch yourself doing hurtful thoughts.

If you were out having fun all night you won't feel hurt if some girl refused to talk to you. You would brush it off and not even remember it. But you ruminate on it.

Obviously this will take lots of experience. You won't succeed in one weekend.

Your inner game is shit. It takes years of practice to build rock solid inner game. You go out each night and work on your inner game. Go out tomorrow and refuse to care how anyone reacts to you.

Edited 2 hours ago by Leo Gura

[Lucasxp64]

17 minutes ago, bazera said:

Does your answer assume some high-level self-awareness skill that meditation helps develop for example?

Yes and no. There is a visceral acknowledgement that comes when put awareness on your emotions the right way.

But one way is just faking it until you make it. Like I did that with meditation and dating and it start sipping into other areas of my life that emotional understanding of the fabrication you do.

Adopt a probabilistic mindset. Dating is probabilistic, I know that getting bad results messes up with your mind,  but it's like a Trader learning to trade with a specific winning strategy, but what if he was so emotionally shaken that he can't even execute the technique to ever see any results? Or like he doesn't even try the right stuff, his mind is full of bullshit that leads him into being a monkey just worrying about the wrong kind of information and never putting enough practice into the specific winning strategy that he was taught.

Those strategies will not work with certainty, because markets are probabilistic, but as volume increases, the true skill will appear...

Classic Leo Gura episode that speaks exactly about what happens when you put more awareness into your emotions for example, you begin realizing and noticing stuff that will help you, eventually it starts sinking into you that knowledge as you keep regarding it highly on a daily basis.

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Lucasxp64

[Salvijus]

Because you believe that happiness itself has turned its back on you. It's not the rejection that hurts but the perception of seperation. It's a perception that disconnects you from the truth, so it has to sting naturally. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Salvijus