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Yeah good and bad only exist if there is someone who exists who it can be good or bad for. Like a million bucks floating 100 lightyears away in the emptiness of space isn't good or bad, much different as if it were sitting in your bank account. There's no good or bad where there are no beings to experience it. You've then got the next insight which is, if you take the word good more objectively like a positively charged battery, "good" means to exist. This is more radical of a subsequent insight than might be readily apparent, because ultimate good means nirvana exists and god. Limitless happiness and bliss and immortality and freedom, not that there's anything to be free from other than illusions.

@rudirotbart I would say "God/Absolute" allows all Possibility to be Explored, not that it "Has" to happen but its Possible to Happen.. The determining factor is Free Will, or Your Ability to Respond, which Human have to most capability but few explore this today. That is why we have this thing called Spirituality, so we can explore it, Free Will, an ability to control how we are within ourselves and the consequence that result from that.. I believe if we are highly Conscious, more empowering experiences result, Peace, Happiness, Bliss are more natural for Us, and in these states Dis Empowering Life Actions don't come out of it, things like war, torture, corruption, cruelty etc... Since the ppl of this world are not highly Conscious imo, we have what we have, war and suffering everywhere, from the most wealthy nations to the poorest, its crazy on top of crazy and its getting worse.. The funny thing is those doing the most to change this, to raise Human Consciousness, get coitized for it, which is beyond Me. Ego, false Identifications, Intellectual addiction rules, and because of this Crazy is the theme of the World!

99.9 percent of people are in spiritual infancy; even for advanced disciples, how well is that really gonna save them when the worst of the worst is happening? Someone said perhaps some people fly out of their body at some point during the torture. Or maybe they go crazy. I wouldn’t count on insanity to bring any relief in such a situation but maybe I’m wrong. It could be like a going full circle thing where eventually as the suffering becomes so unbearable it turns into bliss. Picture it this way: imagine when you had a nightmare so terrible you absolutely couldn’t do it and woke yourself up sweating and saying “oh thank god!” For people being tortured it’s a hundred or thousand times worse than that because they simply cannot get away from it possibly for the rest of their life and the horror is much more vivid and all encompassing. If God must have every possible experience to be unlimited, then out of pure goodwill and love, I’m calling this one limitation. We can keep all the other negatives like bullying (my second most hated of all), rape, brutal murders, famine, poverty, and so on. The idea of infinite experience is fascinating but not worth it. If someone offered me a deal of being tortured in the most unspeakable ways for one year in exchange for everything I could possibly ask for for the next 60 years, the answer would be an immediate and absolute no. It’s gotta go.

Doesn't matter. Youre assuming I don't feel pain and feel like a human. You're assuming I'm saying I'm a dead weight that doesn't have feelings. You're assuming that I've never had things happen to me and how I was la-de-la-da about shit. You don't know what my experience has been like. You don't know what this body has gone and been through. You think I'm just speaking like an Absolutist and going off of non-duality bullshit. Let me tell you something, you have no idea so don't tell me UNTIL IT HAS FUCKING HAPPENED TO ME. You didn't even ask me first if it has happened to me but you're saying until.....this is how I know you're just emotionally responding. Responding to who you don't know other than some forum talk. I haven't been tortured, no, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is I have a deep understanding of what's going on here and I'm not going to fucking butter it up to suit human fucking ego like yours who just wants to feel good and be in bliss all the time. Life doesn't work that way. You're a delusional energetic structure that is part of the whole yes, but that's what makes you delusional, you have no idea who or what you are, and you want to PROJECT that unto "others". I won't let you or others drag me down into the pot of boiling water with your delusions and spiritual fantasies. Nothing specific has to happen to me for me to recognize or realize certain things. If your best argument against truth is "until it happens to you", then truth is not what you fucking seek. It's to feel, better about the impersonal experience you're having and resisting what is to soothe that miserable dis-eased egoic structure wrapped around that tightly constricted and contracted energy that is so tightly woven together it cannot free itself be cause it's too wrapped up into what it thinks it is - someone with a life that lives in a universe people and that needs to change itself and the world so it can feel good about it's non-existence and illusory nature called a fucking self. Go away and let me be. I'm not with your stupid clan of arrogant and narcissistic, delusional, neurotic clan of humans that cannot take a little suffering and always searching for some feel-good chemical to soothe that crying baby syndrome you all have because you think the world was made for you and your family to be comfortable in and be happy all the time. Life doesn't see you and your silly human games of "I wanna feel good", so go away with that and let me be in my impersonhood and take whatever life is throwing my way because I'm 'awakened' enough to realize it's not about me because I'm just imagining my personhood and I'm OK with it. It's not personal.

As Leo has stated, all things are possible, if Love is possible so is Hate, and if Kindness/Gentleness is possible so is Torture, so the key is that Human Beings have access to Free Will, they can decided absolutely how they want to be within themselves, obviously someone that Tortures another is not in a healthy place and is completely Unconscious of Absolute/God/Love/Bliss, this may be due to many factors, all You can do is gain a High Level of Awareness of Absolute, and know You are this, and then either leave this realm, Body/Mind complex or live here and be the light You want to see, hopefully that Empowers more to do be and do the same!!

I think this relates to the so called "6th sense" or an ability to sense/be aware that is beyond the normal 5 senses.. When in Deep Sleep the 5 senses are still working, everything is still being recorded but we are not Aware of it in normal consciousness. Normal Consciousness is Survival based, our senses gives us enough data to live another day generally, the Spiritual Masters over the millennia have been sharing and teaching us ways to Perceive and be Aware beyond the Survival based senses. The AUM symbol represents the 4 States of Consciousness, Waking State, Dream State, Deep Sleep State and High Consciousness State, the whole goal is too have Your Awareness rooted in the High Consciousness state or Chitta, which is Absolute or Source Intelligence. But what is it that is Aware of this Chitta? It is the Atman or Soul per say, which is basically what we really Are, we are not the Body or Mind or Karmic Substance that allows Creation to exist, its Pure Consciousness, when Your intouch with this Bliss is natural...Via Spiritual Sadhana or practices a Human Being can be intouch with this on a constant basis. My Guru says Deep Sleep is practice for Death as the two are related, Your Body and Mind and Karma are still in play while in Deep Sleep, if Your Awareness is high then You can be Aware of everything while in Deep Sleep, he also says the Deep Sleep state can be achieved while being Active and Doing things in the world, one can be very relaxed, no stress fight/flight response while working, thinking, and living a normal life, its just a matter of mastery of the System...The first goal is the realize that You are not the Body or Mind, when that space is Experientially there, then things start to progress..

If I see anything claiming to be truth, if I see any arguments for God that doesn't involve a cockroach or a bird or a lion or a wall or a bench, I'm out - metaphorically speaking. I'm so through with this narcissistic, neurotic approaches to God and life and it's human bullshit self-serving, egotistical delusional God deception nonsensical narratives. Everything about God and it's existence is revolved around humans and our delusions. The only reason I'm still into Spirituality is because I just love the concept; and, yes, it's a concept. Not much more in life that interests me other than the art of food making. I just love to see people turn food into art. I call it art because that's exactly what it is. Turning a mushroom into a burger is art. Putting together a colorful salad with earth's food is art. Spirituality in the sense of nature and how anything is possible and the dynamics of existence is a passion of mine. So-called humans have turned it into something to get something out of, to use and abuse for their own gain just like anything else we put our hands on. If there's no personal value involved, they don't want anything to do with it. They aren't roaches or birds or elephants so when it comes to anything spiritual, those creatures don't matter, it's only about the human and what it can do for them and which guru is telling them things to ease their God forsaken suffering. It's pretty pathetic. We have turned spirituality into a personal agenda and we suffer more because of that. Now we invent all sorts of shit to try and counteract that. We invent all kinds of concepts and ideas to make up for what we've done. Shadow work, self-inquiry, trying to realize who we are, terms like spiritual bypassing to drag the crabs back into the pot. We're so clever but we miss the fact that it's the cleverness that is really over-shadowing what's really going on here. I'll tell you what's really going on here. Nothing is personal. Life doesn't see you. It doesn't give a shit if you're suffering or not. It doesn't give a shit if you realize God or not. It doesn't give a shit if you awaken to anything or not. It doesn't give a shit if a hurricane comes and blows you and your entire family away or not. It doesn't give a shit if you get sex or not. It doesn't give a shit if you're angry or sad or pessimistic or happy or in bliss. It will show you that nothing belongs to you. It will give you shit and take it back. It will show up how it wants to no matter how much you practice life and turn it into a process. It will not dedicate anything to you. It will tell you to kiss it's ass. There is nothing here for you. You have no purpose, rhyme or reason. Yes, you can get from life things and more things and some more things. Then what, all that leaves you with is wanting for more, and more and more. Is that really a gain. Is that really life giving you anything if you can never be satisfied. Life is actually against the human. Not intentionally, because it doesn't see a human but because the human has turned it into a self-fulfilling deceit. It's so greedy, it doesn't realize it's causing it's own demise. It can't help it and it's not it's fault. That's the fucking tragedy. These words won't even register to a human. It won't even realize what I'm saying. It'll think I'm being mad and angry or talking stupid shit while it goes about life thinking it's in in control. It suffers along the way and blames the world and other humans for it's suffering. Instead of trying to realize God or awakening to what you're not, how about sitting back and wonder why the world is as it is. Why are few so rich and many suffer. Why when a problem gets solved, here comes another not too far behind, why is it left to you to figure life out when you were just a baby with no life blueprint on how to live life, why does it take a stranger on the internet to tell you who you are and not your mommy and poppy, why are so many making millions from that ignorance while you remain poor and meditating away to reach God realization. I'll tell you why, because there's nothing to any of this stuff. It's all empty and means nothing. There's no one here and life us just doing life, even the one that thinks it's a person life is doing that. Life is cruel. Life is suffering. There's no way around that. In life there is nothing personal and it's for no one, Nothing has even been done to you or for you personally and this belief is what's fucking everybody up to the point of depression, anxiety and needing therapy. Drug addicts and alcoholism and everything else of this nature is borne from this false belief that we are humans with a soul, consciousness, awareness and have a purpose and that we matter. This is the only thing I've recognized, realized, that it's not personal and that sense of personhood is a fucking thing from hell.

You assume because you’re honest with yourself that you might not know what it is. People seek it though because it’s portrayed as the end of suffering and perhaps a lot of bliss

Happiness=Peace of Mind. Happiness is actually the default experience. If you are content and peaceful, you are happy. Are there experiences that exist which can increase the experience of happiness? Sure there are states of Samadhi with bliss so high it will completely astonish you. But the truth is you don't need to experience those states to be happy. Happiness is not a goal, its literally what you are, your True Self is always happy at all times. The point of Spiritual Work is to penetrate through the human bs that blocks it from being experienced.

Again, it's possible that we don't really know what happiness is - or suffering, for that matter. And the point isn't that desiring something is wrong. Or that pain and suffering are good. It might be that suffering is 'natural' when it comes to a self struggling to survive (not to a human being, though.) Perhaps the goal was never happiness, but survival - and there's nothing wrong with that pursuit either. As a self, experience is divided into good and bad. Notice that "being happy" doesn't usually mean being happy with everything that happens, or regardless of circumstances. Conventionally speaking, being happy tends to signify "achieving what I want and avoiding what I don't want." Freedom comes to mind when considering happiness. Are we free from desiring and aversion? Can we be happy even when our desires are thwarted, or despite failing to avoid something unwanted? Can we allow our experience to be exactly what it is? Are we able to let go of dysfunctional things? How come we aren't always in bliss? Can you be happy now? There might be a relationship between being and happiness.

I disagree, it is more natural to want to be Happy than too Suffer, that is a certainty. We are capable of Experiences, if we weren't then none of this would matter, so because that is so Happiness (and above like Bliss, Ecstasy) are all Available to Us, as are their polar opposites, but as I said before, Happiness (not pleasure seeking, 5 senses satisfaction) is Empowering for Us, its heals our Bodies and Mind which are our basic tools to use while Embodied!!

Success, the way ppl view and understand it today (outside things produce an Experience within You), is not Happiness, like I said its ego gratification, its applause, it makes them feel special, but its temporary... Real True Happiness can be sustained... Ppl suffer Depression for years and years, daily feelings of dreed, sorrow, mental suffering, the opposite can happen too, ppl can be Happy, at Peace, Blissful for sustained periods of time, even Ecstasy, but with Ecstasy if You maintain it, You won't care about Family, Friends, Job, or anything of that sort, with Bliss You will still care and feel great and over long periods of time, our Bodies and Minds are meant to be this way, not depressed, sad, angry, fight/flight stress response daily!!

Actually the masters of the past, the one's you quoted, also talk about these things, there is a sense of I before birth and after physical death. Karma is stored in all the bodies (food body, mental body, energy body, etheric/astral body, bliss body), when we physically die, the food and mental body dissipate, but the karma goes on in the energy/etheric/bliss body, that is where the karma is, there is no discretion in this realm, you are ruled by your karma and tendencies, if you were Blissful at the time of death, you will be Blissful beyond belief there too, if you suffering in death, you suffer there too... so there is a form of Consciousness persay, if you were a highly conscious person, you can choose which body to go into next, for most this is done unconsciously, so there is choice before birth and after death, its all a matter of Awareness, the more Aware You are, the more choice You have, until Enlightenment happens where this cycle ends for most...

As good points have already been mentioned I would like to add this: Instead of focusing on dealing with anger. Cultivate charity, love and absolute toleration. This is easy to say, now that you have someone that triggers you on a daily or even moment to moment basis. I had some young arrogant co-worker/trainees assholes that went on my nerves at a building site. Well they were on the nerves of everyone, they had to just laugh and comment on everything. So one day when I arrived they started their shit right away, my intuition came into play, so I went up to them and hugged them. That was a 90 degree turning point in my brain, guided by the heart. They got completely bamboozled in the that moment. Then we were friendly to each other thereafter until they left. Now I am not saying to go and hug your brother. Each situation, relationship and individuality is unique. Let intuition guide you if you need to take action. Your tolerance seems to be good if you are not reacting physically. As for charity, in my case it was not by giving a person candy. I have a female co-worker who talked a lot about herself, "jokingly" remarked how great she was, her ego got bloated so much that when she "jokingly" remarked something hurtful to me, nothing in her mind seemed to indicate that she did anything wrong. I felt/intuited what she wanted and I translate it as praise/admiration, although being loved is what she wants to be underneath, but praise/admiration is the lense she goes with as to associate it with love (or lack of love or whatever). It is impossible for me to do anything in her presence as I am almost boiling at that moment. So I start small, I am home and I go on my knees and bow, and have a picture in my mind of her and the memory of what I felt that she wants (praise/admiration), and I give it to her in my mind, it goes something like this: " No don't joke about how good you are, you are more than that, you are a highest angel in incarnate form, I praise and know and see you as the omnipotent source of divine infinite chalice of eternal wisdom and beauty" And " yes, I am a man with a small pp that is unworthy being in a presence of such a gracious supreme goddess, how lucky I am to be in the presence radiant golden fountain of Truth, the pointers casted my way are undeniably completely on point and are Truth of the highest degree, my imbecility wants to fight the Truth that you are so please forgive me oh highest Alaya that my pp is so small, my pp is so small that every second spent with you is worth more than infinite amount of money and the eternal Bliss of nirvana combined". After this practice, my projections are reduced, I see with more clarity that it is just a person. There is no much need to categorize this person as a narcissist or whatever to defend myself or to prove a point. Not saying you should do what I do. Try to feel into your own intuition and guidance. Sometimes even just giving something like candy, as a charitable action, to the person i am angry at is counterintuitive enough to bring about change in the brain circuit system. Now something like this "worship, praise" above can be done with jealousy, here is an example at 47 minute mark: Edit: Now I do not know you and the situation you are in. I am just putting in info on how I dealt with anger in general. This "info" or "advice" might not fitting for you at your current situation. I was given advice by my therapist a decade ago to try to go to a café or Cinema with my brother, I awestruck, didn't she understand/hear what I said to her? How stupid can someone be? So I walked home and I saw my brother putting gasoline on the doghouse and putting it on fire, the police came and arrested him. Not long after that I stopped seeing this therapist and I am happy that I did so. Now he is married, lives in another country and tries to quit alcohol. He has now lifted himself up to meeting point where we both can have a conversation. Sometimes it is the "other" person that needs to change and it takes time.

Happiness is a certain level of Intensity within a person that is positive for them, its the basic Quality to someone's life, compared to feeling Miserable and in Suffering of some sort.. Physically it is proven that when You are Happy, Your chemistry changes and the body is more healthy as is Your mind, the opposite is true when Your depressed, anxious, or angry/bitter about life... Peace imo is on a lower level of intensity than Happiness, Bliss is higher, Ecstasy is even higher than Bliss on the intensity scale but with Ecstasy You can't function within a Society, you won't care, with Bliss You still care about others, what is going on around You and Society as a whole...

Just to chime in on the nature of the Absolute Infinite: no need to debate, given Leo’s already made it clear what the Absolute Infinite is, not only in videos dedicated to this thematically, but of course all his spiritual/ metaphysical videos about reality make it crystal clear: it is absolutely everything, including exactly this me, and you, and there is only the one (me or you) and there is everything too (contradiction is the nature of understanding being, for pure being is pure self-reference), and that includes the always already absent accompaniment of Absolute Apeiron, for that is pure and radical nothingness. How could there be anything else? Hedwig Conrad-Martius emphasizes that what is the real religious-consciousness “skandalon” is that there is anything at all, given the overwhelming overflowingness of Yes! Absolutely Applicable Affirmation, Pure Primary Positivity! Good without an opposite—that’s Plato’s “the Good,” highest God etc., the “beyond of being” (epikenia tes ousias) in the positive of all-inclusive sense. Is there room for “debate” or even dialectical positioning in such a sea of positivity? Yes! Of course there is! Is there room for a big ‘ol “No!?” Yes! Is it a sea of Nos? Yes! Why the fuck not? I can literally do absolutely anything, in finite reality and in infinite intelligence and infinite imagination, in the Godhead: where else is anything but in the Godhead? My own integration work includes reading the Srimad Bhagavatam not as a Hare Krishna devotee, not yet and maybe never, but because the white light of the “whiteout” experience on 5/ Bufo is understood by the ISKCON (“God-Realization,” “God-Consciousness”) crowd as belonging to the lower wrung of the “impersonalists” who see the effulgence of bliss as ultimate reality, rather than the divine super-mundane happenings of Lord Krishna as the Supreme Truth. That all works for me. I saw Leo mention ISKCON in a blog post or forum response somewhere, suggesting it’s cultish like most of religion, but I contend that everything can be recontextualized (and Leo too, and Leo’s expressed opinions too) to become conducive to Godhood (ACTUALIZATION, realization, consciousness, revelation, etc.). Happy Krishna appearance day, btw! I started the second Canto today, after midnight coincidentally (no such thing!).

Hey Brother. You are definitely right from your perspective. However, I was suicidal and try to suicide couple times. Till I met with @Nahm Back and forth we had hundreds of conversations and with all his sayings, i mixed with all other teachings from different teacher and it made sense. Moreover, top of that I had so much suffering in my so called personal life. Then I totally surrender and died anyway 😂 😂 😂 which is more difficult then suicide, which is quick death. Surrendering is complete burning while breathing. 😂 😂 So now, Being, therefore love, sharing, caring, crying, hugging and bliss is inevitable. Enlightenment is the best service that one can do for humanity. Because, there is no i there, therefore no conflict, expectations, divisions etc... Just saying.

When the mind is utterly still, life begins to flow on its own, like a river finding the ocean without a map. No effort, no controller, no integration is needed. Yes, the mind still exists as a tool, but there is no “you” sitting at the center trying to weave it all together. You are simply the moment itself, the song, the dance, the breeze, the heartbeat. In that flow, there is only bliss and love without boundaries.

"SPRING SUICIDE" Dosage: 75-150ug Height/weight: 6'1, 140lbs Setting: Public Beach Time: 8:00pm Mindset: Calm. Excited. No current major life events. Hopeful. A deep sense that today is the "right" day Intention: Wanting change, no matter it's form This would be my first time trying any psychedelic. I had decided on this day approximately a week in advance. One of the reasons I chose this day was because the full moon was supposed to come out that night. I guess I thought it would make it more special. In the past, I had read extensively about LSD, many trip reports, and understood its safety parameters, typical/atypical effects, and potentially significant risks--including brain damage and losing grip with reality. I've read about nonduality, panpsychism, and the limits of rationality in the past-- but on that particular day, much of that knowledge was not on the forefront of my mind. The day itself started off fairly normal; I had gone about my duties calmly and slowly--with intention. I don't know why, but I had skipped breakfast that day, which was unusual for me. For lunch (12:00pm) I went to the grocery store and bought myself a familiar meal I've eaten throughout the years—one that brings me comfort: Baked chicken thighs with fried rice. I slowly and deliberately enjoyed every bite of it in the peaceful solitude of my room. I remember watching Squid Game Season 2 while I was eating. For those familiar with trips—this may have been a bad idea, the violence of that series is not something I potentially needed in my headspace. I remember a song played during the episode, it was a cover of the Frank Sinatra song, "Fly Me to the Moon". I thought that was funny. I took a relaxing, untimed nap after my meal. Waking up, I felt amazingly refreshed and strong. Let us now skip to the evening time. At 7pm, I placed the ziplock bag containing the blotted paper LSD tabs in my pocket and set out on my walk. The walk to the beach was a little less than 1 hour, and I had checked that the sunset was happening around 7:50. Perfect. The weather was calm, clouds and deep blue skies with warm temperate air. It was spring! The walk itself was tranquil and memorable. My neighborhood had such colorful flora blooming in full glory that month. I walked with a slight smile. **When I finally arrived at the beach, I selected an isolated spot near the shore and on the rocks-- away from people. I wanted to be as alone as possible. I sat comfortably, and watched the sun start its descent. At 8pm I placed one of the tabs sublingually. I waited. The sky was starting to become hazy. Soon some stars emerged. Then, at about 8:30pm I noticed something. The waves in the distance were undulating, rippling in an impossible fashion. They started to ripple heavily into the air, as if the entire body of water was boiling and slowly evaporating into the air. This effect got closer and closer until it reached the waves closest to me. I was shocked. My eyes widened in amazement. I looked up at the clouds, they seemed normal. I looked away at the now darkening sky. It started to feel as if I was looking at it for the first time in my life. When I looked back at the clouds, their shape had completely changed from before! It had only been a few seconds since I last looked at them. It was, sort of funny. I attempted to reproduce the effect and looked away and then back at the clouds. It happened again! It was a slight distortion of the shape, nothing dramatic. But all of this felt as if the clouds were playing a big game of peek-a-boo, and I was the baby. It was kind of, hilarious... I started to chuckle. And then I started to laugh. I couldn't tell you why it was so funny. I started to laugh harder and harder. I couldn't stop. It was uncontrollable. I don't know if I've ever let out such deep, guttural laughs in my entire life. I felt like the Joker character, when only he's privy to a certain joke. But what the hell was the joke here? I suppose the clouds and I were just playing—like children. I continued crying and howling in laughter for almost 30min, attempting to suppress it in the in-between moments—but to no avail. Next, I gawked at the stars. One particular group/constellation stood out to me. After looking it up later on, I believe now that it was the Big Dipper. The stars Dubhe, Megrez, Phecda, and Merak stared back at me with an unimaginable and glaring intensity. Have they always been that bright? I could feel them looking, observing me with wide eyes. They gazed with a fierce, hot-blooded quality about them. It was almost terrifying, but impossible to look away. It was like this for a few moments. Then, just then, at that moment, they spoke something to me. Not in words, no, they spoke despite anatomy. Without vocals, sounds, or a chance of misunderstanding. At first, I didn't understand what was said. And then, horrifyingly, I do. Tears streamed down my cheeks, replacing the joyous ones from before. Sadness, with a staggering depth of which I didn't know was possible, enveloped me completely. I sniffled silently at first. The shape of the stars began to slightly melt. A few moments later I started to sob. I cried and cried until I was a wailing mess. I roared out sounds from deep within my diaphragm, sounds I didn't know I was even capable of producing. The stars now looked like wax dripping from a candle. They were crying too. They cried alongside me, with me, and for me. But why? I turned my sniveling head and soon heard the trees, grass, waves, clouds...everything, starting to cry. Weeping the saddest song I have ever heard in my life. It made me cry even harder. We were all in unison now. Like a chorus of melancholy. But why? What were we crying about? I continued to weep until I was keeled over and shaking; I wanted to ball up into a fetal position to feel safe. As I looked around, there was something there... I detected this presence. It was scary at first, but soon became comforting, as if to say, "it's ok, you're ok". I felt "myself" slip away in sadness as the universe and I continued to cry together. The process continues to occur inexorably. Around maybe 30-40 more minutes of this and it finally dawned on me what was happening. I understood. Of course, we were, all of us, mourning. Mourning a death. The death of "me". No, not my body. That was still intact. My heart was still beating. It was the death of me. The identity, the problems, the stories, the lies, the truths, the ugliness, the beauty, the memories, all of it, was dying. All of it was being burned into ashes and thrown into the wind. I found no reason to resist. I surrendered. On April 12, 2025, I died. As I calmed down, I could sense "my" mind working faster than ever before. Allowing it to happen, the lethal realization of before settled into me. I stood up, as if born again. I understood the "joke" the clouds were babbling about earlier. It was my life. A grand joke in its entirety, until now... and today, the punchline was grasped. Nothing could be funnier. I let out a contorted chuckle. I could now view myself from multiple perspectives. The vantage point of the stars was now mine. Same with the trees. "Nature" was, in every essence, me. I looked down at the grass, and I could see myself! As if looking from behind the mirror. I walked and the grass beckoned for me to touch with my bare feet. I "spoke", "maybe next time!". The grass laughed. I heard the waves crashing against the dock and it called to me. I walked towards it and reached the edge. Looking above the water, the night sky was so brilliant now. I was thankful for a clear night. I did a 180, turned around and then saw it. The full moon, teased just slightly above the tree lines of my neighborhood. My jaw almost hit the floor as I beheld it. Such absolute beauty! I knew it was on the rise and I wanted all of it. I walked toward the local hot dog store and called an Uber. I knew I was in no condition to undertake the hour walk back home. I waited. My mind grasped the trees. They whispered jokes. I snickered and chuckled like a madman. The stars, clouds, grass, and trees all claimed that they were always here! That it was always like this. That I just never noticed them They asked if I would kindly return one day. I promised that I would. I probably looked insane to an outside observer. I exuded disorder. Finally, when the driver arrived, I entered after asking the name, and we took the drive to my address. We made some small talk. I tried to behave and keep repressed the emotions that were rising inside me. I remember the driver commented on the moon. I let out a contorted chuckle. After we reached my home, I thanked him and wished him a good night. As I walked up the driveway to my stairs, I could feel something, this energy rising inside me, I knew it would surface soon. I. HAD. TO. GET. IN. MY. ROOM. I opened the door to my house and, unfortunately, my roommates stood there, one in the living room, the other close to the kitchen. I will refer to them as (not real names) Abe (he/him) and Zoey (she/her). I had told Zoey about my intention to use LSD that day, but the only thing I wanted at that moment was solitude. Abe: "Hey bud" Zoey: "Get any cool visuals!?" Me: "Oh fuck". Abe: "Alright, let's get you grounded" Zoey: "Nope" I left immediately. I walked outside for a bit, unable to take my eyes off the moon. It was SEXY. That was the only appropriate word. I wanted to fuck its brains out. Like my survival depended on it. I needed it. But I also wanted to make love to it slowly... That energy inside me threatened to let itself out. I knew I wouldn't last long now. I decided to wait outside in the backyard until my roommates left the living room because I didn't want them, or anyone for that matter, to see me like this. The backyard we had was large. I stepped into its clearing and sat under the trees and flowers. The tree branches were lit by yellow wire-lights set by our neighbor. It looked so beautiful. As I sat there, the fallen leaves on the floor started to move and shift their shape. They matched my breathing. Every breath I took in, was an inhalation mirrored by them. I exhaled. The shapes of the leaves twisted and bent into serpents. Luminous, bright serpents, about 1 foot long, now slithered toward me. I welcomed them. They appreciated my permission, wrapped around my legs and slowly made their way to my torso, arms, then head. They were divine. I could hear them next to my ear, whispering secrets which seemed to "reprogram" my neurology. My thoughts raced. My breath quickened. I could feel my pupils dilate to their maximum capacity. I was becoming inhuman. I felt like a painting or a piece of art. I never felt so beautiful. Not in a vain sort of way, I just felt no shame in that moment. I could have been naked and it wouldn't have mattered. Then, I remembered my objective. I stood up and started walking. I made my way to the driveway again and caught sight of the moon. It was comically large now. I've never seen such intense glow. It was almost too much. My heart beat faster. I was completely seduced. I squirmed at the sight of it. I tried to calm myself. It screamed for me to come. The energy inside of me was rising up my spinal column...I didn't time this correctly, did I? I knew I had to go into my room and be in privacy. But I decided to wait out a little longer outside. I went to the local park next. Luckily nobody was there. I stood on the grass, breathed deep and sighed. There was one dim white streetlight, but everything else was very dark otherwise. However, the trees and the grass in the park were soaring with vibrant green. It was stunning. I wanted to sink, to be fully gone and be one of them. The beauty was too much for me. Barely able to stand anymore, I dropped to my knees. My palms found themselves placed on the grass. Both hands start to meld and dissolve into the earth. I was frozen. I let it happen. I didn't want to move. And the moon watched all of this. The energy rose higher up my spinal column. "I. MUST. GO" I power walked back to my house. As someone who gets cold very easily, I could feel my body perceive the outside air as too cold, but the energy inside of me burned with such heat that it didn't matter. As I walked, I exclaimed every couple of seconds, "Ah I get it! Hahaha, I get it now!" "Oh, you sexy thing", I kissed the moon goodbye, she winked back. I opened the house door and quietly crept downstairs to my room and locked my door, hoping not to disturb anyone. FINALLY. My light was on. It NEEDED to be turned off. My clothes were on. They NEEDED to be stripped off. I felt the rush of that "first time" feeling when you are about to have sex with someone you've been having intense feelings for (if one would be so lucky as to experience this). I turned on my corner fan to drown out any possible noises I may make. My bed is essentially a sleeping bag and mattress on my ground carpet. I crawled into a ball on the far corner of it, naked as the day I was born, and felt safe. There was no turning back now. My mouth dropped open from heavy breathing. Despite the cold, I started to sweat. My heart was pounding faster and louder. My brain was on fire. My spine burned from the rising. I perceived that this may get violent. I felt near apoplexy. I was blind, yet my vision was supernatural in its clarity and realness. I hallucinate. Scenes of psychic divinity stretching onward into geometric patterns of unwinding infinite complexity. I grasped the wholeness of it. The room was not my room anymore. It was alive, breathing deep alongside me. Everything inanimate was animate. Everything "other" was me. We were intertwined, inseparable, and as one--similar to the nature I perceived outside.Then, a thought occurred for a fraction of a nanosecond, "WAIT...ALL OF IT?"..."ALL OF IT!" I became extremely lucid, then broke through a threshold. Human larynx and language limited me now. There was only one word I couldn't help but utter after that. "GOD" Coiled and wrapped around my cervical vertebrae, the "energy" vibrated, then leapt, and finally latched onto my brain, proceeding to penetrate my very soul. My eyes rolled up and back. I went limp. My body convulsed and shook. My mouth gasped at air. My legs started to shake. ORGASM. As I exhaled, every few minutes, I moaned out softly, "OH..MY...G-O....G-OD..GOD". I dared to scream until the neighbors called the police. "OHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDD!" There were earthquakes all over my body. Every cell of my body pulsed, achieving orgasm simultaneously. I writhed uncontrollably, violently. My abdominal muscles contracted and went into spasms. At long last, I penetrated the moon, a conjured substitute for the universe, and each micro and macroscopic part of my soul ejaculated. And yet I was being penetrated and having a double orgasm at the same time. How paradoxical. How appropriate. I understood the phrase "mind-fuck". My body was drenched in sweat. I heaved and gasped hard to keep up. This lasted for the next 7 hours, with each orgasm pushing further and further, crashing through me like waves on a shore-- to ever increasing heights of bliss. I felt love. It traced my form like soft fingers. It felt like that once in a lifetime kind of love. That first reciprocated love. To love completely, and be loved unconditionally in return. Everlasting. Fireworks. I understood the Hindu word, "ananda". For brief moments, my normal perception returned. Brief respite, but pained frenzy. My tongue drooled. Every fiber of my muscles twitched in post-orgasm. It was almost too much to bear anymore. How can something be THAT pleasurable? Terror and hysterical laughter at the thought...Then back to a perpetual explosion of fucking and being fucked. I achieved critical mass. I became an infinite dragon. Clad in turquoise armor, completely dilated black eyes, and possessing breath of creation and destruction; but granting immortality unto itself. A humming echo returned, as if always there, but remembered only now, like a triggered memory. My mind raced further-further back. The story of my life? Where was I from? Really, truly, from? A womb? But what about the source? Infinite regress. My vagina stretched wide as I screamed. A distant memory. I then gave birth. To a child—myself. MOTHER AND EARTH = I. The solar system, galaxy, clusters, void...I expanded further and further to include everything. Everything that has, is, and will ever exist. I was all and thus was the same for every "other". But we can go even further beyond. I willfully [hallucinated] existence. Alternate timelines—infinite possibilities and universes. Infinite variations in the laws of math, physics, chemistry, biology. If it is imaginable, it exists, somewhere, sometime, someplace. Minutes passed. I could hear the morning birds. As I creaked open my eyes, I was still on the mattress, hands clenching my hair. My sheets soaked in sweat. My throat was raw, probably from the screaming. I sat up and then stood. It was around 8am. The trip had lasted approximately 12 hours. A wave of tiredness came over me. I'd been awake all night. I looked at my hands. They looked foreign. Alien. Then came slow revelation. "I" understood now the mechanism of my thinking. I knew precisely how understanding happened and how it is recursive. "Self-aware" and "awake" are words that found new meaning. I felt more "sober" than I had ever been. I could see now how my mind operated. With almost every reaction to "reality" being a process born of identity and trauma. I saw the mental connections forming, interacting, and how every person is like this. We are the same. Seeking to love and be loved. Our survival depends on it. I was overwhelmed by all this new input. It was days and weeks before I controlled this new flood of filtering; underpinning sex, aggression, self-preservation, all the while disguised as "rational thoughts". I recognized how much of this is the cause of my mood, my motive-- behind every micro-action or decision. My memory and ability for pattern recognition felt easier and faster. Put simply, I felt more "aware" than before. I could see so clearly now that societal constructs, socialization, and socializing was-- low-- and at times--- high-stakes, survival. Survival of ideology, identity, goals, hopes, dreams, and stories we tell ourselves. These were necessary. A perfect balance of life. It was perfect. I do not claim to know the entirety of absolute truth/nature of the universe or that I am now all knowing. After contemplating, many questions still linger: The "perfect balance" of life is perfect and undoubtedly has meaning, but what is the meaning behind it? I do sense that what I grasped was merely one facet of a larger truth. This truth, I intuit, has infinite facets. Grasping them all in a lifetime is [impossible], but exploration/curiosity does drive me to seek and grasp further. Continued exploration of psychedelics [more responsibly next time] is needed. But for now, gratitude filled my cup. I had more to give. -Thank you for reading

I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils; Beside the lake, beneath the trees, Fluttering and dancing in the breeze. Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the milky way, They stretched in never-ending line Along the margin of a bay: Ten thousand saw I at a glance, Tossing their heads in sprightly dance. The waves beside them danced; but they Out-did the sparkling waves in glee: A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund company: I gazed—and gazed—but little thought What wealth the show to me had brought: For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils.

I can’t know if my problems are due to ego because I don’t know if they would be there if my ego was fully dissolved. But it does seem to me like my problems are due to ego, the self reacting to a disconnect within the self/lack of self Self dissolution is self dissolution, it means what it says. My self almost completely disappeared: and it hasn’t came back to normal for over two years. It feels empty because there’s a lack of a sense of “something”. The appearance lacks significant substance. My skull feels hollow like I’m barely there, same with other people. I used to feel bliss when my self got thinner: but it was a temporary bliss. Ultimately it led me to an almost empty state. You can’t really compare me to Ramana because he reached full enlightenment and I’ve never been there.

@theleelajoker my definition of awake is deeply knowing what's going on right here right now on an existential level. With that I don't mean of course how much bliss you have. Just knowing what's true right now. It's a deep recognition. It's way more than being in the now no last no future etc. Way more deeper.

@Ishanga @theleelajoker I use drastically words to show you how far away your understanding from awakening really is. It's not even drastically enough because you still don't get it. Yes I am not total awake but pretty much on another level. How I know that? Because I was on your level too, before I used psychedelics. Psychedelics kicked me out of low level spirituality. Yoga could do that too. But it was psychedelics in my case. No awakening is not about bliss. Bliss comes as a side effect or not at all. Stay natural but you will probably not get far if you are not talented. Yes psychedelic experiences fade away and you get back to almost normal but you experienced states of consciousness way deeper than you can imagine and you will not forget that deep inside you. It's like saying I don't want to visit the moon,why? it's just a temporary fading experience and after visiting the moon I am back on earth. The truth is, you will be forever changed if your consciousness level is intelligent enough. By the way I am not telling here that psychedelics are better than natural practices. It's just that some "naturals" here who are just blind and ignorant dismiss the value psychedelics can offer.

Discern for yourself what's realistic spirituality and what's fantasy . There are versions of spirituality which teach that happiness is unconditional or the very nature of being itself is happiness or bliss ..I find it hard to make sense of this if we test it against the actual world ..because obviously you can't be happy if you are starving or bleeding to death or swallowing sharp glass pieces in your throat... But some spiritual teachings say that God is nothingness .and that's true .if God is absolute and unchanging and eternal..then nothingness meets this criteria.

To be "Awake" means, You go thru Life, in this Body/Mind with this Karmic makeup, and go Untouched! Your totally involved with what is happening Now, because NOW is the most important moment of Your Life, because it is the only Moment of Your Life.. Everything else is either Memory or Imagination, which do not Exist in reality.. So once You realize this basic concept Experientially, then Suffering is not possible, Peace or Bliss is natural for You now Experientially, and if that is in place, no matter what is happening, You go untouched by it. You still feel pain, physical or emotional, but it doesn't rule You.. Someone close to You dies, You don't Miss them, but feel Blessed to have had them in Your Life, once You go down the Missing road Your done for Spiritually, but Yes you may feel temporary pain mostly for them if they passed on too early in life..