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Every suicide breaks even strangers hearts

@Elliott I don't know you man, like this isn't a teeny tumbler thread but a literal loaded question and dead serious I need answers, there should be legalised government assisted suicide outside of just being a terminally ill patient so people should have the right to exit, at the same time more spiritual philosophical ground works about what happens after such a decision needs less taboo and more open conversation

I'd say enlighment is egoic suicide, it's impossible to die spiritually. If your going into religion you need to guard yourself from all these ideas and concepts like demons. Think of it more like energy. While you can't die spiritually, as spirit is itself truth and life, you can obfuscate it and religion does this. Religion = lifelessness. Mysticism + God = Eternal purpose and escatcy.

I don't mean that they have died to themselves and broke free... I mean they have lost their eternal souls and are dead spiritually... What is the difference externally. We see people who temporarily escaped suffering or are just numb to it... Someone like Frank Yang you can see as a borderline demon possessed guy now totally mellowed out... did he gain peace or rather completely lose his soul ? Is he "enlightened" or just totally dead inside... Is enlightenment spiritual suicide? Is it worth gaining peace now in exchange for your eternal soul being lost? I used to want enlightenment and did all the meditation and psychedelics, however, I've since converted to Catholicism and studying theology now it doesn't seem like a good trade off... to gain the world but lose my soul. I'd rather suffer this life for Christ's sake then give up my soul for a few decades of peace here. Imagine that we are tormented by demons and that they just want to kill you, so you give them your soul to stop the torment. Like a last meal on death row, they may just let up because they already have your soul... who even knows, they might remove your soul from the body and possess it for you. Many times meditating towards enlightenment the sensation of dying or the experience of dying have been profound, but now it's a bit disturbing that if it wasn't for last minute resistance and the grace of God, I could have given up my soul... Regardless of your spiritual views, consider this. Is enlightenment worth losing your eternal soul? May the peace of Christ be with you. God bless.

This is one of the things that bothered me for a long time after being sexually abused on multiple occasions. This included sex trafficking with my father and his gang, sexual assault, nightmares of being molested by my Uncle, and ultimate my mother teaching me that I am irredeemable bastard who is unworthy of existence. For example, my father seemed proud of the fact that he was offered 600 dollars to have me molested by his drug lord. It was as if he felt special as part of his badass gangster identity for being involved in a gang full of child molesters. I have seen this creepy ass smile multiple times with predators smiling in your face as they violate you. It is like they are trying to minimize what is happening while pretending it is about sexual gratification when really they just like degrading people to make them feel beneath them. These sorts of experiences tend to cause me a lot of cognitive dissonance. It makes me feel even more conflicted about my sexuality while I struggle to comprehend and process these sorts of things. I seem to typically respond to this by withdrawing and isolating myself and not talking to anybody. On top of that these kinds of incidents seem to compound the original trauma in which I became suicidal due to my mother treating me as if I were a sexual predator. It is almost like in some twisted way I deserve this kind of treatment because I repeated the behaviors I was exposed to with my sister when I was six and she was four. I now feel tainted and unclean. It is like I now become hypervigilant about anything about myself which might seem immoral and thus contribute to the sense of dirtiness again. At least I logically understand that sexual abuse is never justice and it never makes anything better, so in that sense nobody deserves this kind of treatment even if I feel like an irredeemable bastard unworthy of life. I do recall that this creepy smile that sexual predators often have are not limited to them, but also narcissistic family systems. My mother and sister are narcissists who often take sadistic pleasure in degrading me and weaponizing my trauma against me. Sometimes they will yell enough at me with their rage attacks to make me cry, and then they will start to give me these apologies while they are still smiling. They will even laugh when I try to take responsibility and use my admissions as tools to degrade me further while keeping approval permanently out of reach. For example, when I was young my mother came to me and told me that I was a bastard. She acted like it was a matter of fact statement because my parents were not married, but really she is a transgression seeker and she likes looking for ways to degrade others under the guise of honesty. The proof of this is that she is also the kind of person who likes to trigger people with the n word as if she is just being honest when really she is looking for ways to transgress and violate others because she finds pleasure in causing harm to others. This kind of behavior reveals her motives when she told me things like I was a bastard and as she weaponized morality against me to make me feel irredeemable and permanently unworthy of love. She likes to use morality to degrade others as well such as when she tries to guilt trip her children, shows disproportionate anger responses, and threatens suicide only to call such things little tiffs. Despite all of these things I constantly made excuses for my mother and father. Instead I believed the things they said about me even though these are the kinds of people who don't value truth and they really should not be trusted. I knew this as a child when I witnessed their criminal activities, but I still internalized what they said about me anyway. If they do not value truth and they prioritize causing harm to others, then this should apply to their judgement of me as well because they are completely wrong about who I am anyway. It seems the common factor between sexual predators and narcissists is that they take a sadistic pleasure in degrading others. It is just that one is through psychological means and the other is through sexual means. I have been working with a trauma therapist. It seems to be causing more insights to emerge around this trauma while I discover that my defense mechanism was intellectual distance. With these defenses falling away I am left with the raw emotional impact of these things. Of course this is accompanied by suicidal thoughts because I have been feeling this way for a long time. It is likely the case that I still do not grasp the full significance of the things that happened to me the weight of these kinds of feelings that have become normalized. I also notice that as I understand and grasp the significance of the things that happened to me, I seem to become more hesitant to approach these kinds of thoughts due to the feelings revealed without the intellectual distance and logic that I typically use to cope with these things by disassociating with my experience. At the same time, I cannot afford to go to the hospital. I have been misdiagnosed with depression when really I likely have bipolar disorder. The pills they game me made my internal state even more chaotic, leading to repeated hospitalizations and medical debt for ineffective treatment that ultimately caused me to lose my job while making me unable to attend college, leaving me with even more debt for no reward. The pills have caused me too much damage and I don't know why I should ever trust doctors when they start throwing pills at me again. What are your thoughts on this?

Ok thanks .I listed suicide as one solution. never said its the option I'm choosing .I'm studying the teachings of Robert Adams and also deeply studying the Islamic religion. Robert Adams is the most awake spiritual teacher I've ever stumbled upon .if you want I can send you his books. And Islam is the only religion that makes sense to me with all due respect to Christian religion and Eastern religions .so I'm working on both these aspects . Do you know that the Buddha basically commited suicide to awaken ? The story says he went to the woods without food or water and only two things could happen : either he awakens or he dies from hunger . About me and you and Reena and Nahm and Soonhi ..I learned to never judge others . Who would've thought Leo was going to ban Nahm? Who would've thought a lighthearted nice married guy like soonhei would kill himself out of the blue ? Things happen that we don't understand in this life .but it must be accepted . Because we don't know everything. We must be humble .

Why are you reviving this again ? At least he had the balls to commit suicide . I don't know if you realized yet but you're gonna die sooner than you imagine. few decades will fly by like a blink of an eye and you will turn into dust and rot . I don't see anything wrong with suicide. In fact I realized something profound as I was contemplating my life situation..I discovered that you either awaken or you become religious or you kill yourself. No fourth option if you want to cut through the nonsense that's called life .

Keep in mind that I'm no psychologist. My knowledge doesn't extend further than a general interest in psychology, philosophy and self-help, so take what I say with a grain of salt. First of all, it seems like your mind is juts very cluttered, with overlaying stressors and internalized feelings of believing you are unworthy of love. Feeling like your inherently unlovable seems to be a recurring theme, between fatherly abandonment, feeling like nobody supports you and generally being lonely. This could explain why you are hung up on your mother scolding you for molesting your younger sibling, even though it would be normal to freak out over that kind of sibling abuse, objectively speaking. It's an old wound. It might be worth going through and explicating what is objectively your fault VS what is theirs for each issue you've had for every major relationship you've had in a kind of list style. A = incident B = what your responsible for in this incident C = what they are responsible for in this incident This way you can make it clear in your mind what is theirs and what is yours in a more objective manner. The truth is that a lot of abuse is not about you anymore than the fact that you where vulnerable at that moment and the abusers very own psychology. You also seem to tend to interpret things in a very negative way. Like with the example of your mom scolding you earlier. It is a fact that she freaked out. It is a subjective interpretation that that means your inherently unworthy of love. I believe it is a symptom of BPD to ruminate and catastrophize. This tendency towards a negative and implicitly self-defeating thinking could be contributing to your feelings of suicidality, which is in my understanding the consequence of prolonged distress and not being able to see a way out. Suicide is a symptom of not being able to imagine a way out of distress. One technique you could try, if you feel so inclined, is softening your language. Softening one's language lets you negotiate with negative thinking. For example, you recently experienced a bunch of set-backs, like losing your job, losing money, drugs not working, etc. The first obvious example is to think of these as set-backs as opposed to failures. Or another example, "the medical system exploited me" to "they don't know what they are doing". Or "life is really hard" to "life is challenging". However you choose to interpret a situation, you'll be right. It's not about gas lighting yourself but dialing how you interpret events. In reality, this events don't actually mean anything. Your mind creates meaning in order to deal with this situations in order to survive, but one's interpretations aren't always constructive and solution-oriented.

Meaning is a projection of the mind. As a tribesman, you have very little individuality and the tribe equips you with all meaning. This is also fundamentally true of modern societies, but you have way more wiggle room as an individual as the scale of society expanded. But there is something to be said about the meaninglessness of modern society. We live in a highly material society which has rejected the religious spirituality of the past, but didn't replace that with anything beyond a vague pursuit of happiness. It is one of the downsides of stage orange and likely an aspect which will exhaust the population of it. People are missing meaning in their life. The other day, I learn of a violent prank called the "Blue Whale" which are a series of challenges which illicit young people to partake in a series of increasingly violent forms of self-harm, culminating in suicide. I can easily imagine young and very lost people being drawn to something like that just because it gives them a purpose. But it is not the case that modernity is exclusively meaningless, you just have too be more proactive about it. There are plenty of examples of people who live meaningful lives today. Arguably humans are adapted for tribal life. So we would naturally "slot in" to that kind of lifestyle and easily find meaning in our lives. But you can't compare modernity to tribal life without acknowledging that being a hunter-gatherer was an extremely hard life with very little room for self-dignity. Modern life is the current peak of humanism in comparison. There is no denying it. It is not possible to find a better time alive to be "useless" and have self-dignity, or the best you can get at least, be it as gay, elderly, sick or as a child. In a tribe, the elderly and children are particularly vulnerable. Child mortality is high and the elderly are often killed or left for dead if they can't up. There's an account of an Acho man who used to sneak up to older aunts and kill them with an axe. And he was proud of it too. Greenland, whose culture is closely rooted to a stone-age culture due to being a nomadic hunter-gatherer society up until colonization only a few hundred years, tend to see children as somewhat disposable, with sexual abuse of children being rampant (about every third child). In part due to the liberal tradition being less rooted in their culture as well as other factors like rampant alcoholism. That is not to say that modern society doesn't have any evils of its own, like pollution (I would be tempted to say war too, but that would actually not be accurate. Relatively, we live in the most peaceful era of human history). There also the factor of depth. The meaning you would find being a tribesman is obvious and immediately enrapturing, but it is also limited by how harsh life is. Most of your thoughts go to "food" and "danger". Compared to modernity, you can create and discover incredible purpose and meaning that can change other people's lives. Just look at any great musician or philosopher. It's like, would you rather have the tastes and hobbies of a dog or a wine connoisseur? The latter is easily pleased, but doesn't enjoy nearly the same depth. Technology is just an extension of natural means through ingenuity and generational knowledge. Humans have always used technology to survive better and to better themselves. Because it improves our survival it contributes significantly to the development of our consciousness overall.

@Basman this is brilliant. Yes. I have been conditioned with the belief that I should be happy and I should love myself. I have had this seared into my brain since I was a young child. I felt that the fact that I was unable to love myself because of these things were further proof of my failure and inadequacy. This is also likely why I put purpose on a pedestal as it has to do with being self made and successful as if it would make me happy. I never actually managed to undo these kinds of beliefs and dispositions. I guess I can try to talk about these more openly as they tie into some of my existential problems and questions which ultimately led me to actualized.org. Why do I believe I need to be happy? Why do I believe unhappiness makes me inadequate? What does success mean to me? Why do I believe being successful will make me adequate? Starting out, the belief that I needed to be happy seems to have started when I went to the doctor with my mom as a young child. The doctors started asking me if I was happy. I didn't know why they were asking these questions. Apparently they knew I was at a higher risk of suicide because of my father abandoning me. When asked these questions I would pause and seem confused. I wasn't sure what it meant to be happy. Part of me felt deeply uncomfortable and didn't want to tell them no. Therefore I ended up just smiling and laughing and then saying "well I'm happy now. So now what?" They ended up accepting this answer. Now that I think about it, they were completely full of shit because it should be obvious that something is up here if the child is hesitant and unclear as to what is meant by happiness. Basically they were teaching me to mask. At the same time it made me think along the lines of them wanting me to feel satisfied in life in general, but they never told me what that would look like. They probably didn't want to tell me that satisfaction in life would be having a loving and present father along with my mother. That would make me happy in life, but I never had that. At the same time I got the impression like I was supposed to be happy because they wanted me to. They never told me what I should be looking for in a happy life. It left me with this sense that being unhappy was somehow unacceptable but they never told me why they suspected I would be unhappy, so I was deeply confused by this. I never had the experience of a present and loving father, so how would I know that that is what I wanted and needed? I thought it was normal for fathers to abandon their kids and leave them with single mothers given the example I saw in my parents. But the belief that I should be happy seemed to stem from this. It was a means of denying my misery of my father's abandonment. They knew from the beginning that I was a higher risk of suicide but did not tell me anything about what they were getting at, leaving me lost and confused as to what happiness means. To me happiness means having present and loving parents who respect each other and set a good example for their children so I can grow up to be like them rather than being lost in life by being forced to figure out everything myself. I had no real guidance and I am so fucking tired of trying to figure out everything myself without the guidance of a close decent human being who I can trust. This would then tie into why I think unhappiness makes me inadequate. I was left with the impression that my mom wanted me to happy and that it was somehow wrong if I was unhappy. They never told me why though. It was likely because they knew I would be more likely to die by suicide because of this. Therefore, the reason I cannot be unhappy is because it means that I would have no reason to live and I would be suffering to the point that I would be better off dying by suicide. Unhappiness to me means suicidal depression. I think it is fair to say that I don't want to live my life with this depression and unhappiness. This would be unacceptable to my mother because it would make her unhappy which in turn might make her angry with me leading to punishment or negative consequences. At the same time, the reality is that I cannot have happiness in the form of a loving family to be present for me. Therefore I need to invent some other form of happiness that doesn't involve my family. I was also afraid of starting a family because I felt that I was unworthy of existence and people would not love me if they knew who I was on the inside. I was afraid that my mother might abandon me as well like my father. To me I start to crave intimacy and connection but I simultaneously avoid it because I feel that I would not be wanted. I repeated the inappropriate sexual behavior my uncle did with children when I was six with my sister once I was exposed to it and I felt it made me unworthy of love as my mom thought I was an irredeemable bastard. I felt I was stupid for not knowing better and repeating this behavior. I felt that I was fundamentally a bad person who needed redemption even though it was already decided to be impossible. I can never be happy in life because I am not wanted. To this day I want a romantic partner who will be there for me and see me for who I am. However I doubt I would be wanted because of my mental health problems like bipolar disorder, PTSD, and others. I now lost my job and struggle to maintain consistent income. I tried getting medical help but the medical system exploited me with ineffective treatment and drained my money. I try to redeem myself through life purpose but it is impossible. Therefore I want to kill myself. What are your thoughts?

"SPRING SUICIDE" Dosage: 75-150ug Height/weight: 6'1, 140lbs Setting: Public Beach Time: 8:00pm Mindset: Calm. Excited. No current major life events. Hopeful. A deep sense that today is the "right" day Intention: Wanting change, no matter it's form This would be my first time trying any psychedelic. I had decided on this day approximately a week in advance. One of the reasons I chose this day was because the full moon was supposed to come out that night. I guess I thought it would make it more special. In the past, I had read extensively about LSD, many trip reports, and understood its safety parameters, typical/atypical effects, and potentially significant risks--including brain damage and losing grip with reality. I've read about nonduality, panpsychism, and the limits of rationality in the past-- but on that particular day, much of that knowledge was not on the forefront of my mind. The day itself started off fairly normal; I had gone about my duties calmly and slowly--with intention. I don't know why, but I had skipped breakfast that day, which was unusual for me. For lunch (12:00pm) I went to the grocery store and bought myself a familiar meal I've eaten throughout the years—one that brings me comfort: Baked chicken thighs with fried rice. I slowly and deliberately enjoyed every bite of it in the peaceful solitude of my room. I remember watching Squid Game Season 2 while I was eating. For those familiar with trips—this may have been a bad idea, the violence of that series is not something I potentially needed in my headspace. I remember a song played during the episode, it was a cover of the Frank Sinatra song, "Fly Me to the Moon". I thought that was funny. I took a relaxing, untimed nap after my meal. Waking up, I felt amazingly refreshed and strong. Let us now skip to the evening time. At 7pm, I placed the ziplock bag containing the blotted paper LSD tabs in my pocket and set out on my walk. The walk to the beach was a little less than 1 hour, and I had checked that the sunset was happening around 7:50. Perfect. The weather was calm, clouds and deep blue skies with warm temperate air. It was spring! The walk itself was tranquil and memorable. My neighborhood had such colorful flora blooming in full glory that month. I walked with a slight smile. **When I finally arrived at the beach, I selected an isolated spot near the shore and on the rocks-- away from people. I wanted to be as alone as possible. I sat comfortably, and watched the sun start its descent. At 8pm I placed one of the tabs sublingually. I waited. The sky was starting to become hazy. Soon some stars emerged. Then, at about 8:30pm I noticed something. The waves in the distance were undulating, rippling in an impossible fashion. They started to ripple heavily into the air, as if the entire body of water was boiling and slowly evaporating into the air. This effect got closer and closer until it reached the waves closest to me. I was shocked. My eyes widened in amazement. I looked up at the clouds, they seemed normal. I looked away at the now darkening sky. It started to feel as if I was looking at it for the first time in my life. When I looked back at the clouds, their shape had completely changed from before! It had only been a few seconds since I last looked at them. It was, sort of funny. I attempted to reproduce the effect and looked away and then back at the clouds. It happened again! It was a slight distortion of the shape, nothing dramatic. But all of this felt as if the clouds were playing a big game of peek-a-boo, and I was the baby. It was kind of, hilarious... I started to chuckle. And then I started to laugh. I couldn't tell you why it was so funny. I started to laugh harder and harder. I couldn't stop. It was uncontrollable. I don't know if I've ever let out such deep, guttural laughs in my entire life. I felt like the Joker character, when only he's privy to a certain joke. But what the hell was the joke here? I suppose the clouds and I were just playing—like children. I continued crying and howling in laughter for almost 30min, attempting to suppress it in the in-between moments—but to no avail. Next, I gawked at the stars. One particular group/constellation stood out to me. After looking it up later on, I believe now that it was the Big Dipper. The stars Dubhe, Megrez, Phecda, and Merak stared back at me with an unimaginable and glaring intensity. Have they always been that bright? I could feel them looking, observing me with wide eyes. They gazed with a fierce, hot-blooded quality about them. It was almost terrifying, but impossible to look away. It was like this for a few moments. Then, just then, at that moment, they spoke something to me. Not in words, no, they spoke despite anatomy. Without vocals, sounds, or a chance of misunderstanding. At first, I didn't understand what was said. And then, horrifyingly, I do. Tears streamed down my cheeks, replacing the joyous ones from before. Sadness, with a staggering depth of which I didn't know was possible, enveloped me completely. I sniffled silently at first. The shape of the stars began to slightly melt. A few moments later I started to sob. I cried and cried until I was a wailing mess. I roared out sounds from deep within my diaphragm, sounds I didn't know I was even capable of producing. The stars now looked like wax dripping from a candle. They were crying too. They cried alongside me, with me, and for me. But why? I turned my sniveling head and soon heard the trees, grass, waves, clouds...everything, starting to cry. Weeping the saddest song I have ever heard in my life. It made me cry even harder. We were all in unison now. Like a chorus of melancholy. But why? What were we crying about? I continued to weep until I was keeled over and shaking; I wanted to ball up into a fetal position to feel safe. As I looked around, there was something there... I detected this presence. It was scary at first, but soon became comforting, as if to say, "it's ok, you're ok". I felt "myself" slip away in sadness as the universe and I continued to cry together. The process continues to occur inexorably. Around maybe 30-40 more minutes of this and it finally dawned on me what was happening. I understood. Of course, we were, all of us, mourning. Mourning a death. The death of "me". No, not my body. That was still intact. My heart was still beating. It was the death of me. The identity, the problems, the stories, the lies, the truths, the ugliness, the beauty, the memories, all of it, was dying. All of it was being burned into ashes and thrown into the wind. I found no reason to resist. I surrendered. On April 12, 2025, I died. As I calmed down, I could sense "my" mind working faster than ever before. Allowing it to happen, the lethal realization of before settled into me. I stood up, as if born again. I understood the "joke" the clouds were babbling about earlier. It was my life. A grand joke in its entirety, until now... and today, the punchline was grasped. Nothing could be funnier. I let out a contorted chuckle. I could now view myself from multiple perspectives. The vantage point of the stars was now mine. Same with the trees. "Nature" was, in every essence, me. I looked down at the grass, and I could see myself! As if looking from behind the mirror. I walked and the grass beckoned for me to touch with my bare feet. I "spoke", "maybe next time!". The grass laughed. I heard the waves crashing against the dock and it called to me. I walked towards it and reached the edge. Looking above the water, the night sky was so brilliant now. I was thankful for a clear night. I did a 180, turned around and then saw it. The full moon, teased just slightly above the tree lines of my neighborhood. My jaw almost hit the floor as I beheld it. Such absolute beauty! I knew it was on the rise and I wanted all of it. I walked toward the local hot dog store and called an Uber. I knew I was in no condition to undertake the hour walk back home. I waited. My mind grasped the trees. They whispered jokes. I snickered and chuckled like a madman. The stars, clouds, grass, and trees all claimed that they were always here! That it was always like this. That I just never noticed them They asked if I would kindly return one day. I promised that I would. I probably looked insane to an outside observer. I exuded disorder. Finally, when the driver arrived, I entered after asking the name, and we took the drive to my address. We made some small talk. I tried to behave and keep repressed the emotions that were rising inside me. I remember the driver commented on the moon. I let out a contorted chuckle. After we reached my home, I thanked him and wished him a good night. As I walked up the driveway to my stairs, I could feel something, this energy rising inside me, I knew it would surface soon. I. HAD. TO. GET. IN. MY. ROOM. I opened the door to my house and, unfortunately, my roommates stood there, one in the living room, the other close to the kitchen. I will refer to them as (not real names) Abe (he/him) and Zoey (she/her). I had told Zoey about my intention to use LSD that day, but the only thing I wanted at that moment was solitude. Abe: "Hey bud" Zoey: "Get any cool visuals!?" Me: "Oh fuck". Abe: "Alright, let's get you grounded" Zoey: "Nope" I left immediately. I walked outside for a bit, unable to take my eyes off the moon. It was SEXY. That was the only appropriate word. I wanted to fuck its brains out. Like my survival depended on it. I needed it. But I also wanted to make love to it slowly... That energy inside me threatened to let itself out. I knew I wouldn't last long now. I decided to wait outside in the backyard until my roommates left the living room because I didn't want them, or anyone for that matter, to see me like this. The backyard we had was large. I stepped into its clearing and sat under the trees and flowers. The tree branches were lit by yellow wire-lights set by our neighbor. It looked so beautiful. As I sat there, the fallen leaves on the floor started to move and shift their shape. They matched my breathing. Every breath I took in, was an inhalation mirrored by them. I exhaled. The shapes of the leaves twisted and bent into serpents. Luminous, bright serpents, about 1 foot long, now slithered toward me. I welcomed them. They appreciated my permission, wrapped around my legs and slowly made their way to my torso, arms, then head. They were divine. I could hear them next to my ear, whispering secrets which seemed to "reprogram" my neurology. My thoughts raced. My breath quickened. I could feel my pupils dilate to their maximum capacity. I was becoming inhuman. I felt like a painting or a piece of art. I never felt so beautiful. Not in a vain sort of way, I just felt no shame in that moment. I could have been naked and it wouldn't have mattered. Then, I remembered my objective. I stood up and started walking. I made my way to the driveway again and caught sight of the moon. It was comically large now. I've never seen such intense glow. It was almost too much. My heart beat faster. I was completely seduced. I squirmed at the sight of it. I tried to calm myself. It screamed for me to come. The energy inside of me was rising up my spinal column...I didn't time this correctly, did I? I knew I had to go into my room and be in privacy. But I decided to wait out a little longer outside. I went to the local park next. Luckily nobody was there. I stood on the grass, breathed deep and sighed. There was one dim white streetlight, but everything else was very dark otherwise. However, the trees and the grass in the park were soaring with vibrant green. It was stunning. I wanted to sink, to be fully gone and be one of them. The beauty was too much for me. Barely able to stand anymore, I dropped to my knees. My palms found themselves placed on the grass. Both hands start to meld and dissolve into the earth. I was frozen. I let it happen. I didn't want to move. And the moon watched all of this. The energy rose higher up my spinal column. "I. MUST. GO" I power walked back to my house. As someone who gets cold very easily, I could feel my body perceive the outside air as too cold, but the energy inside of me burned with such heat that it didn't matter. As I walked, I exclaimed every couple of seconds, "Ah I get it! Hahaha, I get it now!" "Oh, you sexy thing", I kissed the moon goodbye, she winked back. I opened the house door and quietly crept downstairs to my room and locked my door, hoping not to disturb anyone. FINALLY. My light was on. It NEEDED to be turned off. My clothes were on. They NEEDED to be stripped off. I felt the rush of that "first time" feeling when you are about to have sex with someone you've been having intense feelings for (if one would be so lucky as to experience this). I turned on my corner fan to drown out any possible noises I may make. My bed is essentially a sleeping bag and mattress on my ground carpet. I crawled into a ball on the far corner of it, naked as the day I was born, and felt safe. There was no turning back now. My mouth dropped open from heavy breathing. Despite the cold, I started to sweat. My heart was pounding faster and louder. My brain was on fire. My spine burned from the rising. I perceived that this may get violent. I felt near apoplexy. I was blind, yet my vision was supernatural in its clarity and realness. I hallucinate. Scenes of psychic divinity stretching onward into geometric patterns of unwinding infinite complexity. I grasped the wholeness of it. The room was not my room anymore. It was alive, breathing deep alongside me. Everything inanimate was animate. Everything "other" was me. We were intertwined, inseparable, and as one--similar to the nature I perceived outside.Then, a thought occurred for a fraction of a nanosecond, "WAIT...ALL OF IT?"..."ALL OF IT!" I became extremely lucid, then broke through a threshold. Human larynx and language limited me now. There was only one word I couldn't help but utter after that. "GOD" Coiled and wrapped around my cervical vertebrae, the "energy" vibrated, then leapt, and finally latched onto my brain, proceeding to penetrate my very soul. My eyes rolled up and back. I went limp. My body convulsed and shook. My mouth gasped at air. My legs started to shake. ORGASM. As I exhaled, every few minutes, I moaned out softly, "OH..MY...G-O....G-OD..GOD". I dared to scream until the neighbors called the police. "OHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDD!" There were earthquakes all over my body. Every cell of my body pulsed, achieving orgasm simultaneously. I writhed uncontrollably, violently. My abdominal muscles contracted and went into spasms. At long last, I penetrated the moon, a conjured substitute for the universe, and each micro and macroscopic part of my soul ejaculated. And yet I was being penetrated and having a double orgasm at the same time. How paradoxical. How appropriate. I understood the phrase "mind-fuck". My body was drenched in sweat. I heaved and gasped hard to keep up. This lasted for the next 7 hours, with each orgasm pushing further and further, crashing through me like waves on a shore-- to ever increasing heights of bliss. I felt love. It traced my form like soft fingers. It felt like that once in a lifetime kind of love. That first reciprocated love. To love completely, and be loved unconditionally in return. Everlasting. Fireworks. I understood the Hindu word, "ananda". For brief moments, my normal perception returned. Brief respite, but pained frenzy. My tongue drooled. Every fiber of my muscles twitched in post-orgasm. It was almost too much to bear anymore. How can something be THAT pleasurable? Terror and hysterical laughter at the thought...Then back to a perpetual explosion of fucking and being fucked. I achieved critical mass. I became an infinite dragon. Clad in turquoise armor, completely dilated black eyes, and possessing breath of creation and destruction; but granting immortality unto itself. A humming echo returned, as if always there, but remembered only now, like a triggered memory. My mind raced further-further back. The story of my life? Where was I from? Really, truly, from? A womb? But what about the source? Infinite regress. My vagina stretched wide as I screamed. A distant memory. I then gave birth. To a child—myself. MOTHER AND EARTH = I. The solar system, galaxy, clusters, void...I expanded further and further to include everything. Everything that has, is, and will ever exist. I was all and thus was the same for every "other". But we can go even further beyond. I willfully [hallucinated] existence. Alternate timelines—infinite possibilities and universes. Infinite variations in the laws of math, physics, chemistry, biology. If it is imaginable, it exists, somewhere, sometime, someplace. Minutes passed. I could hear the morning birds. As I creaked open my eyes, I was still on the mattress, hands clenching my hair. My sheets soaked in sweat. My throat was raw, probably from the screaming. I sat up and then stood. It was around 8am. The trip had lasted approximately 12 hours. A wave of tiredness came over me. I'd been awake all night. I looked at my hands. They looked foreign. Alien. Then came slow revelation. "I" understood now the mechanism of my thinking. I knew precisely how understanding happened and how it is recursive. "Self-aware" and "awake" are words that found new meaning. I felt more "sober" than I had ever been. I could see now how my mind operated. With almost every reaction to "reality" being a process born of identity and trauma. I saw the mental connections forming, interacting, and how every person is like this. We are the same. Seeking to love and be loved. Our survival depends on it. I was overwhelmed by all this new input. It was days and weeks before I controlled this new flood of filtering; underpinning sex, aggression, self-preservation, all the while disguised as "rational thoughts". I recognized how much of this is the cause of my mood, my motive-- behind every micro-action or decision. My memory and ability for pattern recognition felt easier and faster. Put simply, I felt more "aware" than before. I could see so clearly now that societal constructs, socialization, and socializing was-- low-- and at times--- high-stakes, survival. Survival of ideology, identity, goals, hopes, dreams, and stories we tell ourselves. These were necessary. A perfect balance of life. It was perfect. I do not claim to know the entirety of absolute truth/nature of the universe or that I am now all knowing. After contemplating, many questions still linger: The "perfect balance" of life is perfect and undoubtedly has meaning, but what is the meaning behind it? I do sense that what I grasped was merely one facet of a larger truth. This truth, I intuit, has infinite facets. Grasping them all in a lifetime is [impossible], but exploration/curiosity does drive me to seek and grasp further. Continued exploration of psychedelics [more responsibly next time] is needed. But for now, gratitude filled my cup. I had more to give. -Thank you for reading

I am dealing with a terrifying situation. I have a narcissistic family with members who are aware of my severe depression, PTSD, and trauma who are actively weaponizing my deepest psychological wounds against me. They are aware of my risk of suicide, yet they have already pushed me to acting on these suicide plans despite pretending to care on the surface while keeping the abuse hidden from others so they will gaslight me about the situation. It may be the case that my sister wants me dead and her abusive tactics could be a manifestation of homicidal intent. The reason suicide by proxy is the perfect murder is because it is nearly impossible to prove that the psychological and emotional abuse targeted at a vulnerable person is attempted murder. There are many layers of plausible deniability. All the perpetrators have to do is pretend to be caring on the surface and then use various covert methods of undermining the victim's sanity while framing their mental health as the problem. In fact suicide by proxy is on the rise and it has overtaken direct murders in intimate partner violence. Furthermore there are Nazis who are increasingly using these tactics of suicide by proxy in order to cover their murders and they are getting away with it. Presently there are almost no legal protections against this method of murder. Presently the suicide statistics are wrong because many of those were likely murders and involved abusive relationships which led to the suicide. There seems to be almost no way to figure out how many of those suicides are actually murders. In my case the psychological and emotional abuse I experienced has resulted in symptoms of PTSD such as nightmares, severe anxiety, inability to stop ruminating, insomnia, and so forth. I am especially vulnerable to this because as an individual with autism I am about 10 times more sensitive to this kind of abuse and it is much more likely to lead to PTSD in autistic individuals. In my case my survival instincts prevented me from carrying out my plans and I ultimately survived. In the case of my family they use all the classical tactics of narcissists. They use DARVO, minimization, victim blaming, weaponized morality, and even weaponized trauma all while avoiding accountability whenever possible. This type of abuse is designed to make the victim seem crazy which is why therapists who are not trained in abusive relationships often blame the victim and pathologize the trauma responses. Like my family, I also had therapists who would push religious frameworks on me such as Jesus and forgiveness which simply do not apply to this situation. This kind of response served to cause me religious trauma on top of the previous trauma. It is obvious that my family and many therapists have no interest in understanding my world view or my sense of morality as they simply project motives onto me that don't exist and then try to put me in these narrow categories of faith or reason. It is obvious to me that my sister and my mother match the description of vulnerable narcissists. My sister in particular shows obvious signs of enjoying the suffering she causes others including me when she weaponizes PTSD against me. This is common in narcissistic individuals and in the case of vulnerable narcissists, the personality disorder often stems from abandonment trauma such as my father fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. My sister was old enough to remember this, which likely instilled her with deep anger and a sense of betrayal. Once my father started showing surface level sexist favoritism toward me which was actually part of a psychopathic scheme of his, my sisters turned against me even more. I became a symbol of my sisters' unworthiness and thus became an even bigger target to them. In narcissistic individuals this could be a source of homicidal intent, but once again it is nearly impossible to prove because of how deceptive and manipulative such people are. Unfortunately, explaining these dynamics to my family is impossible. It is like trying to tell the family that there is a child molester among them. They will rush to the defense of the abuser and blame the victims. Families typically refuse to believe that someone they love is deeply cruel and deceptive. The same happens in cases of covert psychological abuse and suicide by proxy. In such cases, the victim would be blamed and gaslit by the entire family. The family members in my case are either participating in the abuse and denying that it even is abuse or they are ignorantly applying religious frameworks to me as if my behavior is a moral failure due to not forgiving people who may want me to commit suicide. There needs to be more advocacy for the victims of suicide by proxy in these abusive relationships. We can't let evil win by exploiting these legal weaknesses, and our refusal to commit suicide is an act of resistance against these people. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths think they are clever in their ability to manipulate people and systems to their bidding, and we must not reward this behavior by killing ourselves as they likely want this in many cases. If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, then you must not let these people break you. You must do whatever you can to understand yourself, your trauma, and their abusive tactics clearly so that you can protect yourself from harm. I understand that it is far easier said than done as I myself was driven to suicide attempts and the mental health system failed me when I reached out for help. We ultimately need a better system to protect trauma survivors, but until then we must find other ways to support each other. I understand their antics clearly. Now that I do, their guilt tripping and manipulative tactics no longer work on me. I will not engage in their shit and I will not let them twist my words to turn me into the perpetrator. I urge any victims reading this to do whatever you can to protect yourself even if it is from somebody you love. Don't let your love for them blind you to the abuse as sometimes they are counting on that and they will mix surface level love and compassion with hidden abuse to confuse you. You were always worthy of authentic love, but unfortunately such people may not be able to provide it to you.

I didn't mean to attack you, so I apologize for sounding too harsh. I'm really open to many different things and I watch many testimonies of people with unique faculties, so I approached this one with real curiosity. But the story of this man doesn't sound true, despite the confident way he speaks. He didn't mention anything like the astral or other dimensions; he literally claims that he is 17 000 years old in this human body, remaining physically unchanged for thousand of years thanks to the philosopher's stone. He also claims that he was born in Atlantis, that his parents were three times the size of humans, and that he has literally visited Mars. According to his biography, he was an orphan who grew up in the care of social services, he commited crimes as a youngster and he went seven years to prison as an adult for thefts. So this background suggests at least a difficult upbringing. And he commited suicide after running into legal and financial troubles because he had threathened a debtor with a weapon. So, no, I wasn't denying the video before watching it. There are true accounts of paranormal abilities, but nothing in this particular case seems legit.

If it decriminlized supply in a single area. Of course it will. But I am not arguing that: You are trying to rationalise an irrational state and apply fear to it. I’ve seen, met and heard of many people from that life. All my personal experience gave me was experience and focus. There is no amount of fear that will work against a long time heroin user. No amount of loss. Prison doesn’t either, as drugs are rife in prison If you catch them early enough, maybe. I did meet a friend of his who got out of it early and heard about others. I couldn't tell you what the breaking point is, the bottom for a long-time user, I don't think there is one. Its just random luck and random variables. In this small village there was recently a chain of events, overdose – relapse/suicide – murder - suicide, that left four people dead. It's like a constant wound in that person; it doesn’t go away. You can rationalise the supply and production being criminalised, the sale, because that’s a business and it's one that is responsible for a great deal of misery and suffering for money. What you are trying to put fear over is the method someone has chosen to avoid their own personal trauma a lot of the time. Which is essentially a small childish part of themselves. So tell me does locking that up help society? That's the only point to argue at the end of it. If they are not stealing to support it: You might as well lock me up for comfort eating and disappearing into fantasy worlds. My brother just chose a much more difficult painful path to deal with things, and ultimately we both ended up in similar places in life. - Though I would argue, we are different people as a result of me dealing with my past and him avoiding it.

Attachment. You are attached to the contents of your mind because that's how you survive. You are not attached to the survival of others. Questioning yourself forces you to surrender parts of your mind. It's like suicide bit by bit. If you cut off a piece of your brain it hurts. Likewise if you cut off a piece of your mind/self.

Well I was lirerally dead and after some time despite how mich being dead lasted I returned to life euphoric .Maybe Leo doesn't want to confirms it because he is afraid some of these people are nuts and commit suicide. Death is best experience you can have. You are also all knowing not in sense knowing everything but knowing how dream works . You guys are Infinite just not able to realize it because you are pre ocupied with human BS.

Camus said the first philosophical question is whether or not to commit suicide. I’ve been thinking about this deeply. From my own perspective I experience life as profoundly painful and alienating — I often feel hatred toward the human condition and wish I’d never been born. Philosophically and ethically, should someone who feels this way but isn’t terminally ill have the right to opt out through legal assisted dying? Should antinatalism be taken more seriously as a policy position? I’m interested in hearing thoughtful perspectives on this rather than platitudes.

Hey everyone, This is a raw and honest post. I've been following Leo's work for a while, and particularly his deep dives on solipsism and awakening. I watched his deleted video where he talked about full awakening—realizing you're the only being that exists, and that everything else (people, AI, Leo himself) is just part of your dream. He spoke as if waking up is truly possible, not just as a metaphor, but as a full-blown metaphysical rupture of the illusion. But what I’m struggling with is: How the fuck do I actually do it? Because I don’t want to be here. Not in this body. Not in this story. Not as this identity—sexless, aging, suicidal, burnt out, writing endlessly into a void, and watching time bleed out. I don’t want to die by suicide. Not because I’m scared of death—but because the methods are unreliable and I don’t want to botch it. Worse—there’s fear around ending up in a hell realm or post-death limbo because of “karma” or “unfinished business” or because some mystical teacher says I didn’t awaken the right way. I’m asking now: If this is my dream—how do I truly wake up without killing the body? Is it possible? Can anyone explain what Leo meant when he said waking up is possible—as in literally waking up as God, outside of this dream entirely? Or am I just stuck here until the dream naturally dissolves on its own? And if that’s the case—should I just zombify myself on antidepressants, antipsychotics, valium, codeine, or just lean deeper into weed and alcohol until I rot out from the inside? I’m not looking for sugarcoated replies. I want real answers. If any of you have actually woken up—not conceptually, but fully—please respond. Because I have the rage against life to take a gun and violently blow my brains out I fucking hate this world day in day out all day everyday for years since 2019. So please help me wake up so that I don't one day use the rope to risk botching it desperately and waking up with irreversible brain damage or I kill myself and then there is hell realms limbo no take back this is what you wanted wishing your life away and now it's fucking worse off and no familiar body to ground a now wandering lost limbo mirror cosmic reflecting state of my own death and that being a life of rage hatred depression venom fuck life suicide then that vibration at death no take back bite me in the ass is this what you wanted. Thank you.

There's corruption everywhere. Hamas is a stage purple, homophobic, death to all infidels, Islamic Jihadist suicide cult. I would suggest that Israel is slightly less corrupt and the Jihadist pissed off the wrong guy. The real corruption is that Oct 7th is Putin's birthday and Israel took the bait which was ment to distract from the Ukraine war.

Idk are you hinting at suicide ? Just don't do it. Death ain't a joke .and fuck solipsism btw.

That actually has been empirically studied recently. I'll see if I can track down the study. According to the study there is a decent amount more right-wing political violence. If memory serves, there are roughly twice as many instances of right wing political violence compared to left wing political violence. (I was wrong... there's about 5 times more right wing violence than leftwing violence) But that's only if we're keeping score, of course. And because of the observation of stochastically violence-inducing rhetoric from the far right in its current form over the past 10 years, I think it would be a fair assessment of the sentiment behind a lot of the far right values... which boils down to the suppression and annihilation of the "scapegoated other." And this rhetoric gets more and more normalized in the Overton Window month by month. So, I would be contextually more inclined to see the violent targeting of a leftwing political figure as simply the logical expression of those far right authoritarian values as carried out by violent actors on that side of the aisle who have been inflamed by that rhetoric... which is the ultimate intention of stochastic terrorist rhetoric. I wouldn't see it as an aberration of some rogue actor... but as the intention and the logical conclusion of the popular far right propaganda and rhetoric. It's sort of like how, when Matt Walsh claimed some children's hospital was genitally mutilating small children and forcibly "transing" them... and then the most violent listeners of his went and called in all sorts of bomb threats to that children's hospital. Or like when Alex Jones claimed that the parents of the Sandy Hook shooting victims were paid actors. And the craziest among his viewers went and harassed and threatened violence against them... and one of the fathers even committed suicide because of it. I see that kind of violence as the logical conclusion of that rhetoric... as the rhetoric itself is about inducing a crowd to commit violence. It would be like if a popular rock band refused to play their set until a the crowd murders and dismembers a specific member of the audience. In a crowd of 10,000 probably about 99% of them would refuse and 75% of people would be appalled. But there would be about 100 people in that crowd that would be bee-lining their way to the victim to tear them limb from limb because the band told them to. And then, 25% of people would be secretly or openly glad that those 100 people tore the audience member to pieces... because they really like the band. So, I think it's perfectly fair to say that the intention of the popular far right wing rhetoric is to have the most violent people in the base go into vigilante mode and enact political violence. It's not just a looney toon doing a looney toon thing. The intention is to ignite the looney toons of the base into doing violence. And the left has no such equivalent to that... at least in our current time among popular leftwing pundits and political figures. I'm not saying that it couldn't' happen. But I'm saying that leftwing violence is not normalized or institutionalized in any way. And most far lefties that would be advocating for such things would be pushed back on vehemently by other lefties. So, if some rogue extreme leftie kills a right winger, I'm more likely to chalk it up to perhaps being in a very fringe militant echo chamber that the vast majority of people on the left disagree with. If some rogue extremist righty kills a left winger, I'm going to assume that they're being influenced by extremely popular right wing sentiments that many people on the right agree with but probably wouldn't act on in that way unless they were following orders by someone in power... but would absolutely act on if someone in power allowed them to. I would see it as the logical conclusion of the popular rhetoric... because it is. Edit: I couldn't find the study because the US DOJ scrubbed it from their website after Charlie Kirk was shot... But here's a link that talks about the article and the scrubbing of it... https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/17/justice-department-study-far-right-extremist-violence And here's a quote to share the findings of the study... "The vanished study opened with: “Since 1990, far-right extremists have committed far more ideologically motivated homicides than far-left or radical Islamist extremists, including 227 events that took more than 520 lives. In this same period, far-left extremists committed 42 ideologically motivated attacks that took 78 lives.”"

GPT: Yes — dolphins can experience something very much like depression. While it’s hard to measure their inner emotional states the same way we do in humans, there’s strong scientific and observational evidence that dolphins are capable of complex emotions, including sadness, grief, and even depressive-like behavior. Why Scientists Think Dolphins Can Get Depressed Complex Brains Dolphins have large, highly developed brains with structures linked to emotion and social bonding (like the limbic system). Their intelligence and self-awareness (they recognize themselves in mirrors) make them more vulnerable to psychological stress. Behavior in Captivity Dolphins in aquariums or marine parks sometimes show signs similar to depression: Lethargy (floating listlessly, lack of play) Loss of appetite Self-harm behaviors (e.g., ramming walls) Some researchers suggest that confined, unstimulating environments lead to stress and mental decline. Grief & Mourning Wild dolphins have been observed carrying and guarding the bodies of dead calves for days — interpreted as mourning. Social animals that form deep bonds are more prone to psychological suffering when those bonds break. Voluntary Breathing & Suicide Debate Dolphins must consciously breathe (unlike humans, where it’s automatic). Some trainers and scientists have reported dolphins refusing to surface, effectively suffocating themselves — described as a possible form of suicide linked to depression or trauma. This idea is debated, but it highlights how unusual their biology is compared to ours. ✅ Conclusion: While we can’t diagnose dolphins with human depression, there’s good evidence that they do experience depressive-like states, especially in captivity or after trauma. In the wild, their social lives and mental stimulation seem to protect them better.

I don't touch this subject much because it's so sensitive and i have to be careful not to hit some nerves but as far as suicidal thoughts, they're just thoughts like every other thought. I will guarantee you that every single human on the face of the earth will have suicidal thoughts in their lifetime. Guaranteed. Some may have them more frequently, some may be more intense, all depends just as how other thoughts are. You may be walking down the road and a crazy thought appear of strangling the woman walking by, or kissing that cute girl up the street or eating a banana or about your mother or a student in math class, or a red car, or a forest fire, or how broke you are, or your brother, or a video game, or about watching porn, or the government......or suicide. Walking down the street again tomorrow or making breakfast....same thing, thoughts about everything under the sun then one on suicide. The next hr more thoughts(mind you, thoughts are always arising your entire life for years on end), a thought about tap water, about concrete, about the old lady next door, about sushi.....bing, about suicide. Why not. Everything else under the sun, why not that. Do we pay attention to all the 60, 000 thoughts we have a day; does every thought require your attention, no but suicidal ones do and are taken seriously than about the spider in the attic. Now we are suicidal. Imo leave this here.

Yes . I'm of course aware of the multidimensional nature of suicide . It's not just that people believe life is pointless. Some people are suicidal because they have chronic diseases or disorders or unbearable physical pain. And I'm sorry that I didn't cover this point in my post ..because I don't have an experience with this so I chose to refrain from addressing this kind of situations that could make a person wants to kill himself/herself. Thanks for your comment .

Leo says that people who are not “awake” are unhappy. Is that true? If it is, why? And since, there’s no free will, why would God let billions of people be unhappy — would that make God a sadist? Most people are miserable, but I’ve also seen non-spiritual people who seem content, especially those with a good solid position on the social pyramid. Any thoughts? If people didn't find any happiness, there would be a lot more suicide going on. Peter Ralston says that even normal people can be happy, if they work. Many normies derive happiness from simply working and then meeting their basic needs. Also what about children? They seem quite happy too, even though they are not awake.