Lord Kadaver

Technical: Bodyweight: 140lbs, 6ft Dosage: 75-125ug LSD+5.6g Dried Mushroom Tea Setting: Apartment Room/Solo Mindset: Curious. Grateful. Non-judgemental. Excited. Felt "clean" and ready. However life still has "problems". Trouble at work as well. Financial/medical bill troubles too. Intention: After trying both individually multiple times, I was wanting to explore the combination of the two substances and their potential synergy Summary: 7:00pm 5 hours fasted, 1 tab sublingual 7:50pm dancing in a dream 9:15pm drink mushroom tea 11:30pm? clown therapy 9:00am wake up next day Part 1 (Ingestion/Onset) Weighed and readied the ingredients for mushroom tea on standby in the kitchen. Started a fire in my fireplace (I'm lucky to have this). Turned off all the lights and closed the curtains. Sat cross-legged on my bed with my back supported. Placed 1 gel tab under tongue. 50 minutes of quiet waiting. Sudden grin/laughter... -We're back -We're so back -Crying/heaving/screaming into the pillow -Become a child/elderly again (was always one) -Looked at a photo of my ex and I together and said "I forgive you/I love you" over and over -Played Lemmino music on speakers (best music ever) -Danced like I never danced before (made up some new moves?) -Each step by my feet and each breath is an orgasm -Appreciate the art and paintings on my walls -Sat with legs bent on carpet, start hallucinate. Carpet and room is alive (moderate hallucinate) -Went into kitchen, put together the ingredients and made mushroom tea (5.67g psychedelic mushroom) with ginger, cardamom, clove, cinnamon, and caffeine-free tea bag strained twice (almost couldn't find the strainer, that was funny!) -Start referring to myself in 3rd person, depersonalization occurring -Drank tea slowly at 9:15pm ish -Got a little sad thinking about certain aspects of "my" life (past relationship, struggling porn/phone addiction, societal "problems" of the "world", etc) (sidenote: did I dream the world's problems?) -As I sip the tea, I feel its alien nature flowing down my throat. What a mysterious thing it is to drink a thing (I drink myself??) -I breath, becoming more and more aware of my "aliveness" -I finish the tea and head back to my bedroom to sit. Answers arise... -Sexuality is a part of your nature. DO NOT DENY IT, BUT PRACTICE IT IN A HEALTHY WAY --Took all the "evil" in the world and tossed it in the trashcan (EVERYTHING IS GOOD WITH A CAPITAL G) -There is no other (duh) (and it's fucking hilarious!) Part 2 (Peak) -I BREATH -ALIVENESS is ALWAYS and is peak bliss/pleasure -I think about the alternate then--death (what is it then?) -FUCK THE DEAD (METAPHORICALLY AND LITERALLY) -When EACH BREATH IS THE HIGHEST ORGASM, EACH ONE IS AN ACT OF CREATION (Nothing else compares) -Getting tired, I stop sitting and lay on mattress and look up at ceiling. I raise the hand to the ceiling and it touched! -Hand transforms into primitive mammalian devil hand (it's alien/mysterious) (it's the Hand of God) -Close eyes and have moderate/heavy hallucinations. See infinite little RAINDBOW/INFINITE COLOR SPECTRUM "octopus clowns" splaying their hands forward to me in a prayer like/loving fashion and saying "here you go, this is it, see?". I UNDERSTAND. They touch my mind and it's another ERUPTION of orgasmic bliss **side note: if the reader is curious and would like an approximate visual of what they looked like, search up "mr.creepypasta the showers" on google and it is the thumbnail for the video uploaded on may 22nd. Now imagine that but with infinite rainbow colored octopus tentacles emerging from behind and all around it** -THE MIND/EGO OF "ME" AND GOD (AS A TALL CLOWN/JESTER THERAPIST) TALK IN A ROOM (As I eavesdrop on this talk from outside the door, I see that this tall clown is also, in fact, a demon, and beautiful as fuck) -LITTLE CLOWNS CLOSE THE DOOR (THEY ALL HAVE "JOBS" THAT ARE MOMENTARY, BUT THEY ARE ALL IMPORTANT/GODLY) (THEY LAUGH) I stand up, somehow naked, and see the mess of my room I made. I "tell" me to clean my room. I ask "why clean?" Answer "because all these things are YOU, and YOU deserve to be treated with respect" Oh silly me, of course... The blanket and I have a 1 on 1 therapy session. I love this blanket (SIDE NOTE: WTF IS A BLANKET??) I finally find my PJs and turn of the lights and lay on my bed under blankets in fetal. It feels SOOO GOOOD. You close your eyes and see infinity. Questions arise that become more and more distilled: What is (blank)? What is this? What is? Is? Answer: IS. (Possible answer to everything as far as language allows. THE NATURE OF IS AND THE ANSWER TO IT IS, IS) PERIOD. ON THE PERIOD HINGES LIFE/ORGASM AND GESTURED TO IT BY A LITTLE CLOWN HAHA Why doing? Answer: No doing, only BEING BE. PERIOD. ON THE PERIOD HINGES LIFE/ORGASM AND GESTURED TO BY A LITTLE CLOWN HAHA But then what is to be? Being means to live as fully in the moment and as authentically as you can. It means to be infinitely creative and not copying/mirroring others but rather being YOU. Being YOU/I means to go an unbeaten path. To live your original story however it unfolds. This story is a dream and a loving gift. It is a loving gift because what else is there? There is infinity and there is emptiness/NOTHINGNESS. Both are the same thing in a twisted way. So if you ask, why is there something? But there isn't. And at the same time there is. Going further beyond this is possible but also infinitely mysterious and forever unknown. God can keep understanding itself but never FULLY (because it can keep understanding itself infinitely). It's like...imagine you are hiking up an infinitely tall mountain. Every couple of miles, you stop and look down and you say, "oh wow, so that's what it looks like". But as you keep hiking higher and higher (assuming no end), you can look down and say that every time, again and again. Your understanding can grown higher and higher, and deeper and deeper as you rest at each checkpoint and look back. But it'll never be fully complete because: 1. You are in a form (a human) and therefore only have so many years to live and understand 2. The mountain is infinite, so hypothetically even if you could live forever (which no form will), even then you can still keep hiking up and looking down/understanding, forever and ever. Infinitely. THIS IS NOT WRONG OR BAD. THIS IS PRECISELY THE NATURE OF GOD AND HOW THINGS ARE. IT CAN BE NO OTHER WAY/NO OTHER CONFIGURATION. Any other configuration would not make sense. Infinity is boundless and the universe is thus boundless. Boundless and also made of LOVE (more on that later) Part 3 (Comedown) -FETAL POSITION and I create and perform Spooky Belly Dancing (inspired by the fire earlier!) -I also accidentally invent a new yoga pose (the Possessed Corpse Extension Orgasm Pose) (flex those abdominals and extend the neck!) -The dance that was earlier done on the come-up was very "therapeutic". Perhaps dance (uninhibited), can be a form of going meta/knowing GOD and healing (along with self inquiry, meditation, yoga, psychedelics) -Let's call it DANCE THERAPY! (maybe this already exists haha but who cares) -I close the eyes -I DROOL -RAINBOW/INFINITE-COLOR SPECTRUM OCTOPUS CLOWNS (THEY ARE DEMONS AND THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL, DEAL WITH IT) -In fact, EVERYONE/EVERYTHING has a song and it is BEAUTIFUL! -I sleep -I wake at around 9am Thank YOU for reading, and may YOUR song never end

Technical: Bodyweight: 140lbs, 6ft Dosage: 150-200ug Setting: Apartment Room/Alone Time: 5:30pm Mindset: Nervous. Excited. Recently had emotional fallout with an ex lover. Trouble at work as well. Financial/medical bill troubles as well. Intention: Hoping for change, no matter its form Summary: 5:30pm 2 tabs sublingual 6:00pm universe destroyed 5:00am sleep 9:00am next day woken up Part 1 (Ingestion/Onset) Sat on my chair in my living room and stared out of the window at the trees. Placed 2 paper tabs under tongue. 30 minutes of quiet waiting. Sudden uncontrollable laughter/crying. Window, ceiling, and carpet start melting. Room is collapsing. Heavy, powerful hallucinations. I cannot sit anymore. I fall from chair, legs spread wide open. Fucked and raped by the universe until I die. Eternity spent in the moment of death. Eternity in each piece of the carpet as I open my eyes slowly. Legs twitch in orgasm. Crawl toward fireplace. Fireplace is both an eternal distance away and somehow right in front of me. It is also conscious? Room is teal colored and alive. The universe is alive! Stand, but shakily... full motor control is lost. Clothing somehow off. Go inside bedroom to get under blanket covers. Starting to get cold. Turn on my blue wall lights--too bright. Just the yellow ones please. Few minutes under covers. Body starts burning. Body is scaling now. Part 2 (Peak) Run to bathroom to vomit. GREEN VOMIT? How? So much of it in sink. Rinse and spit with warm water. Look in mirror. Wow... Beauty. Scream. Stand tall. Bathroom is a green teal color. Universe takes snapshots of 'me' in bathroom from various angles, creating existence in real time. Sit on toilet. Think about life. Hallucinate infinity. Heavy fractals, beautiful patterns of various vibrant colors stretch on forever. They are real. Universe takes snapshots of 'me' on the toilet from infinite angles. I ask questions... WHY EXISTENCE? Silly question. PLAY. DANCE. FUCK. LIVE. GOODNESS, IF THATS YOUR THING. OR NONE OF IT. DOESN'T MATTER. WHO AM I? Another silly question. GOD/NOTHING/ETERNAL AWARENESS I go back to living room. I play some somber piano music on my phone. Sounds amazing! Music is so beautiful. Go back to my room under blanket covers. Yellow lights are so beautiful. I play the song "I Lied To You" from the film, "Sinners". I don't know why. I turned me on. A lot. I masturbate to a porn video. It's amazing but sort of fake. Ejaculation felt good, but nothing feels as good or is as beautiful as the MOMENT right now. Also, The true language of GOD is SILENCE. Some somber music is fine, but silence is BEST. Somber music is fine, nothing loud! Also, you don't need any fancy items like lotus, sand gardens, posters, incense, galaxy projectors or anything else. RIGHT NOW IS BLISS ENOUGH. BE SIMPLE. GOD IS SIMPLE (YET INFINITY IS COMPLEX) All that is to say, the experienced now is = ejaculation I look at the ceiling. Funny face mouthing at me. I ask myself the question, was I living properly? Not to my fullest potential, I am distracting myself constantly. Be bored, be present, go out, genuine connect with others, and LIVE. Many more questions... Addiction? Fleeting. Doesn't matter. GOD. RIGHT NOW Let her go? Doesn't matter. Protect the organism if you must. But also, GOD RIGHT NOW. Forgiveness? Doesn't matter. Protect the organism if you must. But also, GOD RIGHT NOW. God has no answers, because God cannot know anything outside its direct/current experience. God is simultaneously all knowing, yet knows nothing (paradox yet true) (deal with it). The only thing for certain that is true is the RIGHT NOW and BREATH. With each breath--creation happening through I. This RIGHT NOW IS ETERNAL, NOTHING CAME BEFORE THIS AND NOTHING AFTER. All memories are pure fantasy, do not exist. Only thing that exists is NOW. Even time did not exist before the NOW. Time is being created by 'I' second to second. A sense of becoming what I am. I AM. I AM. I AM. THE ETERNAL NOW IS ALSO playful/sexual in nature. It is childlike but also an elderly person. THE ETERNAL NOW IS ALSO good/seeking to perpetuate GOOD. Evil doesn't exist. All of "evil" is God. Doing someone wrong is God. Murder is God. RAPE IS GOD. RAPE IS AN ACT OF LOVE. Eternal now also has a forgiving nature unto itself. It's too busy playfully fucking itself to create itself to be anything else or hold any grudge. THE ETERNAL NOW IS ALSO lacking in emotions such as shame, guilt, anger. EMOTIONS ARE FLEETING. ONLY TRUE EMOTION IS LOVE. THE ETERNAL NOW IS IMAGINED INTO CREATION. Part 3 (Comedown) I went back to the toilet. Sat down to pee. Pee is God. Toilet water is God. Protect the organism, it is weak. Drank water. Water is the best thing ever. 10/10 would recommend. Chopped and ate some watermelon. It looked funny! ONE OF THE BEST MEALS OF MY LIFE. I looked deeply at the dried sunflowers in my room and the hair on my hand. So intricate and beautiful. Like a painting. My breath/core/torso/abdomen/anus is where the universe originates from in each moment second to second. Went outside very slowly to greet the moon. It was glorious! Came back inside, sat on couch for a while (thinking about life again). I realized that anything bad can be sat with and breathed away (let it go). What to do in life? Anything or nothing, doesn't matter. Suicide is not the answer though. Breath is given and Life is meant to be LIVED. SO LIVE and SPREAD GOOD, however you see goodness to spread. Maybe play some piano, make someone laugh, connect with people. Around 5:00am, I finally went to sleep in bed. Other messages as I awoke the next day: God said cleanliness is next to Godliness (so clean your room!) and pick up trash

Amazing first time!! You sound very mature for your age. Safe travels

@theleelajoker @LastThursday @meta_male @pablo_aka_god Thank you everyone. Peace and love to you all

@Ramasta9 @Natasha Tori Maru @Hojo Thank you guys. I understand and I sense the value in what was said.

@Jannes I am emotionally invested but only because she was my first and I learned a lot about relationships and love from her. I don't want to break her heart and hurt her by just erasing myself from her life. That's why I'm wondering if it's possible for me to let go and detach (with meditation, life in general, etc) from her (while also being a part of her life and catch up occasionally 1-3x per year)

@Terell Kirby We cheated on each other. We both knew it was over. I immediately moved across the country and now I'm back after 1.5 years. I have no intention on getting back with her, neither she does she (she's made it explicit)

@Lyubov Harder for younger people is interesting. Is that because of hormones or life itself?

@Joshe I also feel bad about potentially hurting her... I don't actually want to pursue a relationship with her or want to have sex with her. The thought of it scares me (it ended in pretty bad terms--we both ended up cheating on each other). I'm only curious if it's possible for me to stay only friends at some distant level of contact every now and then

@Hojo Thank you

@Judy2 I see. That does make sense

Hi everyone, I need some life advice. I have an ex lover who is not attracted to me/in love with me anymore. I however, do still love her and probably always will (she was my first relationship). She has expressed to me to she wants us to continue being friends. I'm emotionally in turmoil thinking about how I could possibly ever see her as just a friend. But at the same time, isn't true love about accepting the other person as they are? Wanting for it what it wants for? If I truly loved her (on a metaphysical level), could I not eventually learn to love her for her existence itself and not have any hope of being with her again? Basically, should I let her go or see her every blue moon? And would it be mentally/spiritually healthy for me to stay friends with her or just say goodbye? Any advice is appreciated.