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About Privet

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    Aspiring Baboon

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  1. How about the opposite of crying - anger? When I feel strong tension in my body or mind (which is stored suppressed emotions and other traumatic stuff I guess) I turn music loud and let myself go insane, dance like and idiot, rock my head, sing with the song, walk around in circles and make stupid faces, and all kind off stuff I can come up with, I try to express myself as freely and non-judgementally as I can. Try to make yourself angry, you can mix this with crying also, listen to some metal music alone in the room if you listen to such a music, try to sing it at least silently, you'll catch fire and warm yourself up with practice and eventually and will be able to release the portion of tension every time you do this and feel a relief. Also, strong determination sitting seems to help trauma a lot, you just sit and it upacks by itself, it feels shitty and you continue to sit and suffer and it just works itself, all that is required from you is to just sit and let youself suffer and be aware of it, hundreds of hours. Here are the excerpts from "The Mind Illuminated", a book about meditation: Also what I've learned from my experience is that crying and trying to savor your suffering sometimes is just snowballing and ineffective, you just cry-cry-cry and feel no relief. It's like when you fell from your bicycle, scratched your knee, this wound is covered with a shell and you tear off this shell for weeks and weeks, instead of letting the fucking wound to heal itself. Just be aware that your knee has a wound and don't touch it until it's healed.
  2. I was idealizing people because I thought that if I was like them I would be happy. But when I understood that outer things don't bring the kind of happiness that I want I stopped. You have unique circumstances and personality and habits and environment and genes etc. Success of someone else can't be applied to you at all. So when you look at someone and think that they are so cool the only thing you can do is to inspire youself, but the way you will work on yourself and kind of your success will be different, inspiration can come from outwards but change is guided by the inner forces, like intuition, feelings. Being yourself is way more fulfilling than trying to imitate. Also, idolizing is a process of rating things, ego likes to value everything, looking for what is better than other and claim it good and disregard other things. Which is absurd, world is grey, not black and white. Ego likes to claim that "this is right and this is wrong", and it applies this kind of thinking to people, it makes some people totally worthy and good and some totally unworthy and bad. Which is absurd again. Also ego likes to disregard the unseen part of success, years of failure and suffering and even the damage that this person perhaps did in the past to other people. There is no reason and value to idolize someone, it's just ego tricks that it plays on you. You must question and doubt even the most true-looking guru, because anyone can be wrong. And there's no reason to glorify anyone, just learn from them and look for others too, there's a lot more amazing people than one. The answer to your question is: be aware that you do that, be aware that it's meaningless and limiting.
  3. Why does rock exist? Why does rabit exist? Why does life exist? It depends on how you look at the depression. And the answer depends on that, it's relative. If you conctantly fuck something up depression exists because it informs you that you need to unfuck that up. If you have some genetic issues or brain chemistry problem depression exists because you have those issues. If you look from the perspective of enlightenment depression exists because you are unconciously create that. But on the bigger picture depression exists just because. Does poop exist because you eat?
  4. @Voyager I've read this book couple years ago, same with understanding. I'm curious that maybe someone have mastered/practiced some techniques (not only from this book) and can suggest what really works. @Amit That's what I do, it helps with tension but attention is still very scattered and mindfulness is decreased. @Nahm I don't believe there's something bad about that energy, more like my ego is not sure how to deal with intensity of it and probably needs to develop some habits to help that. What kind of happening do you mean for example? @Martin123 Interesting, I will look for kundalini yoga practices. P.S. Yesteday I turned music on loud and danced for 40 minutes like an idiot mixing it with breathing exercises, it helped a lot to calm down my impatience and agitation. I probably shoud go to some metal gigs and MOSH the shit out of me
  5. I do nofap for 2 weeks and it feels amazing, I have a lot of energy, more confidence, improved mood and sleep, less anxiety and depression (almost none of it, suprisingly). But my sexual energy is scattering my attention with INCREDIBLE power. Even when I was masturbating and spaced out most of the time I could concentrate better. I feel that hundreds of hours of meditation completely changed my experience of nofap. The chemical cocktail that nofap produces doesn't make me angry and depressed, instead of getting angry I just laugh and become concious of that energy flash. Yesterday before sleep I was in my bed doing breathing exercises and tried to concentrate my attention on the sexual energy and I got a pleasant experience, it felt like some orgasmic energy flush. It made me wonder, how do we transform sexual energy to help meditation? Is there some exercises to calm down the energy, or to produce that orgasm-like experiences? Is my concentration problem happening merely because my body is not used to abstinence from ejaculation? Of cource exercises, jogging and breathing gymnastics help, I do that, but I'm curious is there something more interesting that really works?
  6. I thought about enlightenment and your topic and stumbled upon the idea that enlightenment actually is unlearning ignorance. Ignorance = unawareness of your thoughts and emotions. Unlearning unconciousness.
  7. I jog in the summer and exercise at home in the winter, doesn't help my sleep. If I jog too much it only gets even worse. I tried that, also I use blue light filter on my computer and phone, it makes me a little sleepy, but after 10 minutes that passes. Also I have seasonal mood disorder so my body reacts to darkness with weird stuff, when I meditate with no light I can barely concentrate. I prevent that. If this is the case I still think that it has to be solved somehow naturally. I'm not a fan of medication, although I look towards supplements and stuff. Thanks for your advice!
  8. Hey, I have fucked up sleeping pattern. I struggle with this for several years, very little success so far. Here are the things I find to be problematic: 1) I tried to wake up at the same time for several weeks and had an accountability with my friend. But when we stop I automatically backslash because I am totally unconcious and turn off an alarm clock and then don't even remember how I overslept. I tried tricky alarm clocks, I tried to write big note to myself and put it on my phone so I will not go to bed when I wake up and will sit on the chair until I wake up, none of this works, I really don't even remember then how did I ignore it. Only other person's control helps. And not always I have that person. 2) The reason I backslash when I adjust good pattern is insomnia. Either it is because of nofap testosterone boost, or relapse. Or energy/mania because of strong determination sitting. Or impatience because of unconcious and agitated engage in something like internet surfing. 3) I tried to go to bed 2 hours before time of falling asleep and practicing "strong determination laying in the bed" + breathing exercises before it. It works, but very rarely, usually it just makes me calmer and more concious and I still can't fall asleep. 4) When I have insomnia and still wake up early I am really fucked, especially for several days in a row, usualy it leads to relapse in productivity and some addictions. And then we got vicious circle: bad sleep -> fixing bad sleep -> good sleep -> insomnia -> relapse -> bad sleep Do I make so little progress just because I don't try hard/long/consistent enough? Is there any more productive way to go about it than my current efforts? What is the most crucial thing to focus on in training yourself sleep well and in time? Please share your advice.
  9. @Ragib Ashraf Then it's me projecting.
  10. I haven't done psychodelics but it looks like you are attached to the idea that we all have that kind of higher certain goal of our life. Life purpose seems to me more like a direction or feeling where you need to go. And it's not rigid, it's not a target, it's kinda skill of internally-driven decision making. There is no 100% certainty to it. Why do you need to know for sure? Why do you avoid not to know? How can there be certainty at all? Is this because your ego wants security and certainty and can't embrace that it takes trial and error and confusion and more trial and error and confusion? Do you really think that life purpose is some precious knowledge that something keeps it from you? A secret you need to know?
  11. I'm russian, too lazy to learn english grammar. Like sound that is disappearing right when it appears? Just the fact that sound appeared means that it will disappear, thus it is appearing and disappearing at the same time.
  12. I needed this today, thanks.
  13. @Aware Do you protect your awareness when you argue with someone?
  14. No. You may not even quit your addictions. Although some of them may fall apart.