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  1. It took me one fucking hour to paint the diagram, this is because of the brain fog and impatience. I tried to enjoy mindful painting but my psyche is so chaotic today that I get lost in distractions more than I paint. I was focusing on this impatience when I was meditating. It's really intense today, it took some good effort to focus and open up to that feeling. It is clearly felt in my body: in my head, in my shoulders, in my back. in my chest. It also has different emotional flavors at the same time (descending intensity): impatience, anger, fear, sadness. In the middle of the sit I completely lost this sensation and got lost in wondering, I had to force myself to diligently concentrate on my nostrils and it arose with the anger as a dominant feeling, I switched to it again. I have very neurotic and deeply ignorant stepfather. I am neurotic and reactive either, although meditation makes it better. For some time my attitude with him was like "okay, I will try to explain him, maybe he will get it, maybe not" when we have some disagreement. Now I finally realized that he is incapable of rational discussion at all and all he does is crazy unexplainable projections and conjectures, arguing, interrupting and raising his voice from the first second of conversation, showing up and inflating his sick ego. He is totally sick and I was trying to rationalize with him, which is a stupid idea, because arguing with idiots is a waste of time and energy. Today I thought that this is a good idea to set a formal intention to correct this behavior. From now on I shall not try to explain this fucker any damn thing, even if he tries to blame me in anything, just listen -> disregard his bullshit or protect a boundary. I got inspired by one of Shinzen't video with this idea: tomorrow I will write on paper words "Image -> Talk -> Touch -> Feel" and different flavors of feeling "Anger, Fear, Sadness, Shame, Agitation, Desire, Aversion" and place it on the wall. Any time I will have some strong emotional state, for example after some serious fail or argument with someone, I will come to this paper and make a map of my experience, untangle it. For example my conflict with stepfather, I compulsively play thoughts related to that in my mind even when the conflict is over: Image: I imagine the situation. Talk: I imagine our debate. Touch: anger felt in body as a temptation. Feel (here I scan for presence of different flavors): anger and sadness. Now as I can see what's going on I can focus on those parts and open up to them, surrender. This way it will go away much faster and cause way less suffering. I also have a note with a list of preparations/reminders for meditation that I wrote out from the book called "The Mind Illuminated", I will hang it on the wall too and will use it every single time with Shinzen's chart that I painted today. I will come to wall before meditation for a minute, reread preparation list and choose a meditation technique and only then meditate. I guess I found my way to journal. When I wrote this post I made a list of things I wanted to mention during the day and then made a paragraph out of each item. One more thing: it's a good idea to pick tomorrow morning one-two things that I will finish, I'm too foggy, random and disorganized. Aaand I will probably have no internet till sunday.
  2. Meditation and diet ok. I will paint this chart tomorrow and use it:
  3. If you become enlightened nothing changes in the context that you mentioned. You take a shit, you orgasm, you enjoy junk food, you get angry, you experience an addiction urge. There is no spoon, because the thought about the spoon and the actual spoon are not the same thing, but it doesn't mean that you have to eat by your fingers. In the same manner if your neuron pathways are just an idea it doesn't mean your bad habits don't exist. Actually enlightenment helps your therapy and therapy helps to work on achieving enlightenment more productively. Contemplate on this misunderstanding, you just made an idea about absence of other ideas, that everything is just a fiction. But this is just another idea, a fiction! Even now, when you read this post, you make another ideas. When you read something and have a feeling "I understand, it makes sence" - who is aware of this thought? Who is aware of understanding that is happening?
  4. I bought Zinc, Selenium, Omega-3, Probiotic. Plus I take Magnesium, B6 and D3. I guess the proper way to take supplements is to pass a full set of blood test for each substance first, but due to lack of money I will give this combination a shot. I feel some positive change in perception for the last 2-3 days. The possible causes are supplements, diet and change in the light amount because of the season change. My body had adjusted for the lack of calories and even carrots give me pleasure now. When I was going home on foot after buying supplements I thought that hey, let's face it, the reason why I don't meditate is completely made up. I was able to sit for at least 4-6 last days. I practiced today. Thought observation is my favourite one at the moment. It works much better if I practice before the sunset, because the lack of light makes me depressed/numb/tired. Also I need to do a little warm up after the sit. This two minimize the possibility of the side effects. I have just massaged my belly and it made me feel better again. Damn constipation, why did I not notice that before. I made a non-transparent case for the window. This is so fucking dark here when you turn off the lights that if you open your eyes nothing changes. I did that hoping that it will help me to fix my sleep. I slept once with that case and still couldn't fall asleep early. But it definately has some calming effect on me, when there's no visual stimulation everything else becomes louder, including thoughts, they become very easy to notice. Nervous laughter doesn't go away. I try to make it worse and consciously laugh. It works to some extent. As far as I know laughter makes your brain release some set of calming substances so it seems logical why heavy stress can make you laugh, that's how your body tries to overcompensate the stress. Probably laughing meditation is made to solve this issue. I haven't used porn for almost two months except for two times for 2 minutes when I had to fap to get rid of extreme exhaustion. I also haven't masturbated unintentionally during this time. One very important thing that happened is that I don't experience fight or flight responses several times a day. It's just five times harder to trigger it now. I haven't tested myself but chances are I have low testosterone. Stress, lack of sleep, porn addiction, poor diet - all that should make it low. Regarding my feeling I have even less doubt. I will do the testing whenever I will have the money. Better late than never: week agenda. I'm not done with the hospital stuff until 27 of this month. The goal of this week is to get as much of quality rest as possible, especially on the weekend. This is what I need the most now, I get tired very quickly and every morning is almost like a hangover, although diet changed that for the better like 20-30%. Also I want to extend my nofap streaks to 5 days (it's the 2nd day), I mean that's an intention. Ok, enough for the thought flow.
  5. Diet ok. I almost forgot to check in for the third time. I guess I will make a reminder.
  6. Diet ok. I tried to meditate but it was awful and I stopped.
  7. Diet = success. I also meditated, I felt the need.
  8. Do you care about recovering from MDD?
  9. You deeply believe that your life is wrong and should be some other way. Is it possible to become happy by hating what you have? Does this thought make you happy? Other people are happy because they don't think this stupid thought. Why do you think this stupid thought? Could that be because you didn't even notice how you think this thought? Why did you not notice how you think this thought? Could that be because you don't practice meditation and prefer to think stupid negative thoughts instead? Go practice at least 30 minutes of thought observation a day and break the habit of thinking those stupid thoughts.
  10. Be extremely careful. If you will do it wrong it will ruin your reproductive system. Not sure if this will work at all, I haven't read any report of success with this technique.
  11. @Quanty Good luck with grounding if someone shoots your leg.
  12. I had to drink a cup of sweet tea because of the adrenaline rush that was caused by the hunger. Also hunger worsened my nervous laughter. Fasting doesn't work if you suspect adrenal fatigue, I won't fast anymore until I get better, I should have researched better. But I'll keep up with the diet and calorie restriction. Meditation is no good at the moment.
  13. There is some evidence that you can warm your brain with an infrared emitter device and it can tangibly improve your depression, brain fog, anxiety, cognitive problems and so on. Here a guy tells more about that. Looks promising? What do you think?
  15. I relapsed the diet (yes, honey too). Just keep going and not beat myself, I will try one more time tomorrow. Cravings are gone but I feel worse. That was fucking delicious.