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  1. @Raptorsin7 Is attractive appearance a dealbreaker for you?
  3. I quit it cold turkey over a week ago, almost no withdrawal except for a light anxiety attack at 5 AM in the first day and a bit of confusion and disorientation for couple of days. The next one is smoking. I tried to quit it yesterday but lasted only one day because I ate some shit that poisoned me, vomited at night like crazy, today I'm miserable as fuck and shit like machinegun so my willpower sucks. I work in 3 day shifts and because of that every weekend is of high value compared to my jobless past, getting poisoned made me aware of how attached I am to writing music during job-free times since misery completely knocked me off the path today and I absolutely have to rest. It seems that I still derive a lot of motivation from the "should" place rather than "choose" place. I still subconsciously believe that I have to become someone/do something rather than that I want to become someone/do something. It also seems that this "have to" mentality is a consequence of internalized shame. By default I assume that I am not good enough and that I have to do something to feel worthy, to fix myself. It also translates to my work, sometimes I compose something for couple of hours, then devalue that, come to conclusion that I have to remake everything and then feel bad about myself, which is so fucking stupid, deriving sense of worth from imperfect shots is total non-sense, because every sure shot comes from the streak of inevitable imperfect shots. Shame is hell of an abstacle to creativity, simply grinding through it doesn't work, it only makes things worse. What I find effective is applying mindfulness skills. Creative block is a FIT reaction which can be untangled and dissipated. Any time I feel stuck and frustrated I check in and detect what's happening: am I thinking negative thoughts about my work and myself? am I experiencing negative emotions? Simply noticing that gives quite a relief from creative throes. Then I start to pay attention on my project: what is that exactly that I don't like? what is that that I can delete? how would I make it better? is it really that bad or am I just tired and negative for no reason? Making small concrete steps helps to distract yourself from frustration and shit starts to roll again.
  4. Sentient Glow Sooo… It's been over two months since I started taking Mirtazapine, I'm still on half a pill (15mg), I think I would benefit and be more functional if I would raise the dosage but I need to leave the room for increase at winter, because my amygdala will go nuts just as usual due to the lack of sunlight. Because the med boosted my level of equanimity I started meditating right away for around 3 hours per day if nothing happens that steals my time. I was able to meditate like that for around 50+% of days for 1.5 months, sometimes up to 5-6 hours. First couple of weeks were really nice, not much backlash, I managed to score around 2 hours even on a job that I had at that time in short 10-30 min streaks. I reread some chapters of The Mind Illuminated and meditated on the sensations in the nostrils following instructions from the book. Most of the time by the third hour I would reach Stage 5 of Samatha, I could recognize it because Culadasa writes that at this Stage your scope of attention will spontaneously expand to the abdomen and you will sink into pleasurable subtle dullness, which is just a seductive distraction and has to be overcome at this Stage by intentionally increasing vigilance and practicing special multitasking bodyscanning technique. I only used the vigilance method for now since I wasn't able to stay stable at Stage 5, proper bodyscanning is very intense mental work that takes some degree of stability of attention first, otherwise it will turn into mind-wandering or strong dullness and drowsiness. One of the most interesting phenomenons that I encountered was that when I reach Stage five the sense of constant hunger dissipates, it was so relieving and satisfying. I believe it was happening because at Stage four there's the emotional purification process and my oral fixation that was developed when I was an infant was temporarily overcome. I've read somewhere that Freud thought that libido (which is the same as Kundalini as I understand) is accumulated at the mouth area when you're an infant. If the separation from mother's tit wasn't executed properly (slowly teaching you to eat normal food) your nervous system still interprets the sense of hunger more important than it actually is and makes you feel like your survival depends on it, because newborn babies are like that: no tit = you die. In the first week after birth when the kid isn't fed within a minute or so when he starts crying his amygdala generates fight of flight response, and if as the time goes by he is left crying this overwhelming stress may produce irreversible damage in the brain, an overreactive amygdala that will get triggered with the slightest inadequate stimuli in adulthood. During Stage four you experience intense emotional purification. As you keep meditating on the nose all accumulated and suppressed emotions surface on the background, sometimes getting so intense that it's more practical to turn towards (in Shinzen's language) it as the book suggests. When I was practicing up to five hours and as my pain body got more stumulated I would just weep the fuck out of my eyes in meditations and inbetween, walking with red eyes like a stoner and not explain anything to anyone. Sometimes I would listen to sad music to make myself cry so that this shit keeps purging out of me. Sometimes I would cry for half an hour of jogging. Sometimes I was laying in the bed, shaking in agony and devastation and letting it to destroy me completely. Last couple of weeks because the Earth is getting closer to the spot on the orbit with the longest day the intensity of Kundalini in me is too much to meditate a lot, I decided to take it slow during the summer and focus more on establishing a more functional homeostasis while meditating only one hour a day before sleep on emotions, attention now is very scattered and I'm basically back to Stage 3, but I feel like I'm more creative and have more energy. I started writing music again and got a half-time job that forces me to sleep at night and not be lazy, among all things the job had one of the best impact on my wellbeing lately. I've got tons of musical sketches that I accumulated during last several years that I want to compile to quality tracks. No idea where it goes, but it feels right. I vivdly remember the advice of Deadmou5 that I read in my teens: stay in your mother's basement as long as you can because it gives you precious time to develop skills, and thankfully, my relationships with parents get better and better. Or maybe I'm just bullshitting myself and avoid dealing with independence? No idea, will see. There's proper time for everything. I feel like overanalyzing and constantly planning is just a waste of time. Lack of commitment to one thing seems to be exhausting itself because dubbling feels tiring, awareness alone is curative. I'm jogging everyday except when skipping is absolutely necessary. It feels like in those good old days when I just started visiting this forum and obsessively did self-inquiry in three-hour long sessions two years ago. Every jog makes me feel great. I jog by timer on the sunset for half an hour, almost everytime last 5 minutes I run with a genuine eye-smile on my face. When going home the release of endorphines makes me feel this sentient glow that is spread all around: green leaves illuminated by street lamps with insects buzzing around them, lovely enlightened dogs silently lurking in bushes like Zen masters, birds coiling in the colorful gradient of post-sunset sky, fresh scent of flowers and leaves of all sorts and kinds. Thinking of death at moments of difficulty helps me to deal with worries and be grateful that I'm still alive and young, curious and passionate. Beautiful, isn't it? May my heart be blown open forever. Amen. Fake it Our way of life so simple Thinking we have it all A choice we've made Embrace the world in vain and shun the true human calling It's only a matter of time before the waves consume us all The gods will show no favor for what we are Should I accept this fate? Or maybe we can make an escape Your life is what I need and one I'll surely save Days they pass Constructing a path to the stars Bending space and time Travel, I will These light years in search of the Savior race who must answer our dying call Watch the horizon fade within your eyes Within you I have to trust I will pull through This is the end of the suffering Uncertainty taking hold of the exit scheme Will this be the death of me? The end is near It's only a matter of time before the rocks come crashing down Their souls collecting sorrows on the way out Should we accept our fate? Or maybe we can make an escape This world is what I need and one I'll surely save Days they pass Constructing a path to the stars Bending space and time Travel, I will these light years in search of The savior race who must answer our dying call Watch the horizon fade within your eyes The warmth that reflects lets me know I'm still alive Carry the weight of a thousand worlds within my heart I've had enough of this I have to trust I will pull through This is the end Don't ask how we lost our way Follow the stars to the place where we used to lay
  5. Stripped of all the air in my lungs now Feeling so alone Stampede in the room like a buffalo Feeling so low Pull out all the ground from below You’ve given quite a show Stampede in the room like a buffalo Raise me up in my throes
  6. @ttom I'll check him out, thanks!
  7. @Marc Schinkel @ttom You guys both might also benefit from reading "The Mind Illuminated" by Culadasa. The model of consciousness and the map of development presented there are amazing. I think the notion of dullness that Culadasa introduces explains how we bypass emotions that well up to the surface as we progress. You can find tools in the book to work trough this phenomenon as well.
  8. Damn, the chorus of this song brings me to tears so badly. As we grow with rusty nails in the coffin among potential of diamonds and pearls. This sea of blood fills the crevice between our lifeless body and the whispers for which we reach. Behold as the water floods the red. Time commands of us to meet again in silence. Awakening to a higher light. If we sever the distance between one another, and cross out the fear we learn, all are one and nothing is keeping the love in our souls from bursting infinitely. Now what have we become? An entity of survival. Rotting flesh of the fallen stains our egos. Now the moment is at hand to rise above what was once so prevalent. Folding time within the mortal boundaries lived upon. Moving onward. We will never fade. Fall into another dead end. Will it end the same? Lines are drawn for the rest of the story. If we sever the distance between one another, and cross out the fear we learn, all are one and nothing is keeping the love in our souls from bursting infinitely. This life is one that we must live. The peace once embraced from so long ago sleeps deep within our mind. Stay forever or be erased from the harmonic physical state of being existing in this dimension. Lies are covered, but only for the moment. The blood of the weak will carve the way for the innocent. The blood of the weak will carve the way for the innocent.
  9. @Pilgrim Hang in there, the healing is on its way...
  10. @Emerald It's true what you say for intimate relationships, not for a platonic friendship. He doesn't avoid friendships. You can't be intimate with a friend the way you are intimate with a partner just like you can't be intimate in that way with a therapist, even though you talk about your deepest issues with them. You can be open and talk about your dysfunction and still avoid being in a partnership, it's one thing to talk about this and another to participate. It's impossible to heal cancer by injecting penicillin, you can't stop being afraid of public speaking by merely talking about this to your friend or therapist, you have to go and speak in public. The situation that triggers avoidance in him is the relationships with an intimate partner that requires commitment, not a friend that doesn't. So... Are you saying that he will be healed from commitment issues by not committing?
  11. @Emerald If it's true, that she is not as detached and if it's true, that he is dismissive this friendship is the worst case scenario. She will become needy and his dysfunctional avoidant pattern will only be positively reinforced because of her attention, it's like giving money to an alcoholic. An avoidant can't feel connected the normal way so they are aiming to have backdoors, because for them power = love. Or they get converted to anxious type and attached to an avoidant with a stronger pattern than their (that will dismiss them later, like his ex). Or they expect the partner to be very submissive and forget about their needs. His attempt to befriend her may only turn out to be an unconscious manipulation to slowly bend her to serve his needs. People who avoid genuine connection with others start to work on their problem when they get desperate and lonely enough, until that moment any genuine care is dismissed by them as bullshit/neediness/weakness. And I can't see at all how this friendship is going to heal anyone, saving people that don't want to save themselves is the epitome of codependency and narcissism which are far from "truly care about him as a person". If he interprets her attraction as neediness being friends with him will only make her "that needy acquaintance that likes me". I've had a school friend that was ready to have sex with me for years and I know that from personal experience, I didn't even notice she stopped contacting me and got a boyfriend. @Pilgrim With all that said I don't aim to demonize him because I don't know him, maybe he's just afraid, desperate and lonely, watch out for subtleties and decide for yourself. Even if he's afraid and he doesn't want to hurt you his desperation may be too loud to care about your feelings, don't pretend to be a spiritual savior if you feel that it makes you lose your cool, serving others against your own underserved needs is the opposite of mature/secure/spiritual.
  12. I'm sorry about your situation, I've been through something similar with a girl half a year ago. Wishing you to get over this soon. I would suggest to not have this friendship if sacrificing your need for partnership will take too much pain. @Emerald Selflessness takes time to develop, being too selfless too early may only be counterproductive and backlash, or end up in some weird situation, when you justify your neediness with selflessness and slowly develop hidden resentment or, in the worst case scenario, even being taken advantage of. I don't think this is the appropriate advice considering words that I've just quoted. If she has anxious attachment style (which is most likely the case) having this friendship is as painful for her as it is for him to commit. Also, there's two types of avoidant attachment style: fearful and dismissive, and we don't know for sure if he is afraid or just thinks she's not good enough for him and lies about the reason why he doesn't want a partnership, retreats and other activities that cause a lot of stress can make people more narcissistic and cut off from their emotions and desires if they suppress their shadow. I bet that if he was attracted to women that cheated on him in the past he might actually be the dismissive type of attachment style.
  13. If we speak from the perspective of statistics, history and evolution, women create less things in the world than men because they are too busy raising kids and running household. Men are providers and protectors, if you create new valuable things you become a better provider because you can sell it, if you apply your creativity to advance yourself in the hierarchy of dominance you become a better protector. If we speak exclusively from the perspective of human design it's tricky, maybe since females were designed by evolution to give birth and raise spring they are wired better for that genetically/biologically and therefore have whole 'nother set of abilities than men, here's the distribution of the IQ between men and women: Among the population of women there's more women that have average level of intelligence, less misfits and geniuses, among men there's less average men, more misfits and geniuses. Yes, we don't know exactly the connection between IQ and creativity but anyways it's useful in this regard. It's just statistics and there's nothing personal about that, any woman can become a creator, any man can become a stay at home dad. The problem with modern day feminism (unhealthy stage green/toxic masculinity of postmodern women) is that they view this statistical difference as a personal insult to women and fight against that. It's like butthurting because men are generally taller. Or if men would butthurt because women have soft warm tits that they can crumple every day, LOL, let's not allow women to have tits because it insults us, viva la tit equality!
  14. If we have "reality" and we have "pointer" where do this two take place?