WonderSeeker

primary: 2.6 secondary: 2.1 (higher than ~30% of other participants)

12 / 40 I was expecting a 17. Over the past year spiritual practice has made me realize how freakishly devilish I am. Maybe I do a good job at filtering it, lol I'm curious about the link between narcissism and self-esteem. I go through periods of high/low self-esteem, and in my last swing of high self-esteem, I was Narcissistic (capital intended). To me, big Narcissism is where you are not only self-absorbed, but Self-absorbed, as in you want the best for all beings in your awareness. Action-wise I was able to be more giving, compassionate, and dynamic with people. Would be interesting if NPI changes with self-esteem.

Well, mindfulness meditation is what would kill your itch to go masturbate, so of course you masturbate in place of meditation. Consider learning mindfulness. You'll find that your urge is linked to a thought or feeling that says "go masturbate" just before you pull the trigger. I'm gonna challenge you and say that you DON'T want to meditate. Why? Because, you're not doing it! And nobody is going to save you and get you to do it except YOU.

Watch from 0:46-0:52... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI27mX1BHvk

^^ lol how true it is

A couple things to consider– 1) All of those ego games that you see in other people: see how you play those same games. And if you don't, then you're suppressing them, which is unhealthy. To be human is to exist as an ego in some capacity. I personally like to have friends from all stages of spiral/ego development (if you're familiar with those models). Doesn't mean you have to eat the pizza or smoke the weed per se. 2) Your yearning for close friends of high-caliber intelligence and creativity is nothing new. That is mostly limited by geographic location. For me, I've been living in tight communities of <50,000 people my whole life. (Not so great, not very many originals or true creatives in these places. I live in Burlington, VT and people often call it the "Burlington Bubble" because of the rampant SD Green groupthink here.) I'm looking to move to Reno, NV and socialize a lot to fix this. Also consider joining online mens groups based around success/lifestyle. I've been a part of a few and now have access to like-minded people all over the world to hookup with. Met up with one recently and practiced a little pickup together and helped each other with emotional issues. "Winners"––or what I'd translate as 'highly motivated people'––are typically found online through memberships to these types of groups, at least for guys. I guess what I want to know is where do you live? Is it adequate for meeting cool, creative people? If not, do you have an escape plan yet? If not, why not? Deuces.

Newish song by alt rock band, Muse, which is entirely about cults. Good for after listening to Leo's series on cult psych.

Hey y'all. My brother is 'partially truthful, but very absolutistic' in his worldview at SD stage green values (Cook-Greuter individualist stage); this is often referred to as "regressive Green" by Ken Wilber and Integral life. He is leaning towards Marx a bit exclusively. There seems to be no getting through to him no matter what advice I try to give him about growing yourself (logic), or even when I offer emotional understanding (empathy). Even when I put an arm around him and tell him how proud I am (he does have some strengths), he will appear uplifted, temporarily. I existentially accept my brother's attitude toward life, but still I'd rather see him not blaming "the corporate class" as a limiting belief to the promised land, but instead simply contributing his gifts. As of now he doesn't hold jobs for long and plays the victim and displays anger (in the Peter Ralston "feeling incapable" and "I will shut y'all out" ways). He's 20. I'm not in a panic: I think issue could turn around out long-term. However, if he's going to correct this so he can develop cleanly and integrally, I want to take part in giving him a hand. What do you all think about this? Have you helped regressive green see things differently before? I'm curious about how you can get to someone. Thank you

Deal actualized audience, Try this little science experiment and see what happens: Goal: Go Meta on the forum. Deconstruct the forum. Notice how you use the forum. Notice how others are using it. Ask: "How often do I use the forum?" Ask "Is this really helping me develop?" Ask "Is the forum a distraction?" Ask "Am I using the forum wisely?" Ask: "Does arguing on the forum--even if you are 'right'--serve anybody?" Ask: "Am I using this forum to avoid learning real social skills?" Ask: "Am I adding value to the forum?" (Ah, here's a good one!) You probably assume that being on this forum helps you. But is this true? How are you using this forum? Notice how you resist taking up the idea of questioning what you're doing on the forum, let alone what the forum is. Qualifying note: I'm not implying that the forum is an 'evil' or all doo-doo. Your answers to these questions should be more nuanced than that. --------------------- One thing that I've become keenly aware of over the past couple of years in this community is just how much people are trying to ape Leo's life and be just like Leo. Nothing wrong with having a role model, but can't you see how this is a giant trap? Figure out your life in your own way, cross-referencing your unique capacities, preferences, and values with some of the great models that Leo has shared. Too many of us are going for the golden fruit of Awakening too soon. It seems to me that a lot of you are absorbing what Leo says as concrete facts to be stored away in your mental store-bin as a new paradigm to which you judge all other views. This is not real learning and understanding. Can't you see how this will fuck up your aspirations in a hurry? Even worse, it will distort what you think is worth while pursuing. It's a self-defeating strategy. (I know because I lived from this trap--albeit to only a minor degree, thankfully--for about a year.) This is your reminder to work on the lower-half of Maslow's hierarchy first! Even that will give you some satisfaction, as surprising as it sounds. A fellow fool, jp

Core feeling: I am becoming more egoic through spiritual work. OR, could it actually be that I'm becoming more aware of ego, and therefore more able to dis-identify with it because now I see it? Or are the practices are back-firing somehow, causing egotism? I think over the long haul, the ego is very slowing peeling away, but I still go through what appear as spells of ego-mania! I feel ignorant in this whole thing in spite of all of the insights and wisdom. I've been contemplating this for over a year on and off and still have not a clue. (I have a hunch that it's a matter of timing and that I don't have enough 'data' to know.) I've been using binaural beats for one year and did a year of daily traditional meditation before that. I feel like I'm seeing more ugly in me than even in my life and I don't want to negatively influence others with it. That said, I've also had moments where I've genuinely helped others and felt grounded within my being too. It just all feels very polarized. Cheers

Hope you had a happy time writing all that

@flume Wow, inspiring! The habit-trackers and rituals made me laugh...they are quite fun but really do look insane after a while. After about 2 years, I'm slowly experiencing the 'becoming a kid again' aspect too. Letting-go and not being too serious about the work is so counter-intuitive because it looks counter-productive to the work itself. Cheers!

@Husseinisdoingfine Look here, you've gotta do what's right for you. After watching Leo for a couple years, I've come to realize that not everything he says/does is suitable for me. If you like meditation and other classical techniques and they bear fruit, then keep on keeping on! Don't let Leo stop you, lol. Listen to your intuition. For me, I meditated daily for 14 months straight and then stopped because the insights and emotions labor got too heavy. So I switched to binaural beats for about a year. Now I'm considering jumping back into sitting as it seriously helped my mindfulness skills while I was doing it. To me, you cannot build serious mindfulness/concentration skills using psychedelics. Psychedelics will take you further, but they won't automatically grant you skills that other techniques can. Just my take. Still a noobie for the most part.

Has anybody read this enneagram book? If so, in what ways did it change your life? I've become a personality type junkie in the past few weeks and just got this in the mail. Ken Wilber has spoken highly of it. Just flipping through the pages I can see tooooonnnns of models which turns me on. Cheers~