trenton

@Leo Gura Thank you for clarifying this Leo. I have some further questions. I tried dating women and it was terrible. I felt absolutely horrible every time they wanted to have sex with me. Sometimes I feel safer talking to men instead. Sometimes I like the idea of sex with men. I also noticed that I tend to see the man more than I see the woman when looking at porn. For me the conflict comes in when part of me does like women. I was originally naturally attracted to women, but it was complicated by what my mother did to me which made me want to avoid women. This made me confused as to whether I was straight, but traumatized or actually bisexual. Is it possible to be straight naturally, but then damaged through abuse to the point that you become gay because women now seem repulsive? What also confuses me is the fact that I masturbate to fantasies of women instead of men, which I may be confusing for a sign of straightness. Sometimes I find it hard to live with being straight, so it all becomes very confusing to me. How does demisexuality factor into this equation?

Guys, I realized something important. PTSD is not the only issue here. I also have autism and that is making the situation even more confusing. People with autism are often confused by traditional dating norms. They often are more likely to be demisexual which seems to match my experience. The combination of autism, demisexuality, and PTSD creates a situation in which normal flirting does not compute. Immediate sexual attraction throws me off completely. I start hearing these messages as if these women immediately want to have sex with me, which does not seem to match the experience of most men. This combination of traits seems to make the experiences even more intense and even more traumatizing.

Every time I get to the end of one of these episodes I feel like it is finally over and done. I don't always post on these forums during these episodes, but they happen multiple times a week.

@TheCloud I was just now doing some version of that again. Do you have a professional helping you do that? I was doing it alone again. Anyway, my findings were that I have a fixer who believes I am fundamentally broken and without the possibility of recovery I must be destroyed. I am trying to resolve my lack of self love through self destruction and ultimately suicide. I am basically trying to save myself through jumping off of a bridge while using self attacks disguised as love and care. There is a lot to it, but that is a bit of it. I feel calmer now.

@Schizophonia yes, my ego is inflated. In fact my ego seems to be changing a lot lately. I am reorganizing my character and sometimes it comes out in very cringe ways. I can't just will my ego into going away. I wish I could, but it does not work. In this case, I am mixing in what I learned from a very cringe series called "how to get laid" which was also triggering to me. I believe this is exactly what was meant by it. I currently am moving a lot on many issues simultaneously. This includes trying to overcome my fear of sex as a result of bull crap from childhood while processing trauma. I will get there eventually even if I end up looking very stupid throughout this process. Yes my ego is full of shit now and it is inflated. I am waiting to see what becomes of this as I work on several things simultaneously even beyond the realm of dating. My life is being restructured and I will see what I become.

@TheCloud it is an emotional flashback and reliving trauma. It is like a panic attack similar to what I experienced at the time. I then start to feel as if I am in great danger. This fear then leads to shame due to this sense that I have somehow caused harm even if most of the harm is falling on me. In that sense it feels like both.

I seem to be some kind of chick magnet and it is very easy for me to attract women. I do however, have my own unique struggles that make me hesitant to carry through with these offers for sex. There are some present insecurities that I am presently navigating and it would likely complicate any serious committed relationship that might come about. It seems that forming tenable relationships or having casual sex is largely a matter of just working on my own insecurities and being more confident in myself. My biggest insecurity seems to be complex PTSD from childhood sexual abuse caused by my mother and father. My mother taught me that I was fundamentally unlovable and that I belonged in jail like a sexual predator due to having an inappropriate sexual interaction with my four year old sister when I six after having a dream in which my Uncle molested me and my father was a sex trafficker who brought me to a gang that tried to rape me. There were many trauma responses to these experiences. Some of these trauma responses that developed included a phobia of casual sex, playfulness, the fear of confirming what my mother taught me about my sexuality, the fear of becoming someone like my father, and so forth. The result is that I have been avoiding dating all my life because romantic relationships are often retraumatizing to survivors of CSA. I was too busy trying to compensate my sense of self-worth through things like life purpose, but it never feels stable because I am trying to compensate an emotional wound through external action and achievement. Therefore, I constantly feel lost in life no matter how much personal development I do. It appears that in terms of my sexual development I have been locked in stage blue as a result of trauma responses to a stage red environment. Therefore, stage orange ends up appearing predatory to me and it triggers PTSD, reinforcing the same dynamic from childhood. I think the paradox of attraction in my case is similar to the paradox of gay men. In the case of gay men, they ironically come off as attractive to women because they don't have any sexual agenda toward them. They are polite, socially calibrated, and authentic without any need to sexualize women. Women therefore might feel safe around these men as they grow emotionally closer to them, leading to some form of sexual attraction even though the gay man isn't even trying to attract her. If you compare this gay men to straight men who struggle to with women, it reveals a cosmic joke. Straight men struggle to get laid precisely because they overly sexualize women. This leads to them being inauthentic and less socially calibrated, therefore women find them unattractive and reject them. The agenda to get laid often is a significant obstacle to getting laid because women might feel objectified and made to feel slutty around you. An alternative approach might be to find women you like primarily for the sake of having fun with them, which may or may not evolve into a sexual experience. The neediness for sex might make you less calibrated, leading to rejection. This can be tricky if the sexual desire is still there, so I think it is for the best that we don't try to pretend it isn't there or else the inauthenticity would then lead to rejection. This seems like a tricky balance to strike, which might be why straight men often struggle with attraction. The paradox also applies to virgin men who don't brag about having a giant penis because they instead focus on other forms of intimacy, creating emotional closeness even if they are not actually pursuing sex because they just don't care or are not interested. In my case the attraction paradox works in a similar way. Due to CSA, I developed insecurities around sex which made me avoidant. Therefore, when I talk to women I did not sexualize them. I did not like being sexualized because it triggered PTSD and I understood that women probably would not like it either, especially if they were sexually abused. I also come off as deeply honest and authentic because I am not trying to hide anything from them. In order to avoid discomfort caused by sex, I often focus on other shared interests that we have fun exploring and discussing. The outcome is that there are a lot of women enjoy being around me as they start to develop emotional attachments, leading to sexual attraction. The problem is that when women want to have sex with me, it starts to trigger PTSD. Similar to the gay paradox, it appears that male survivors of CSA might ironically become attractive to women who want to have sex with them even though it hurts them. This might be why the survivors of sexual abuse are likely to be revictimized as there are many opportunities for unwanted sex that come about as a consequence of being sexually abused once. This kind of pattern seems to repeat when I test different dating apps. I seem to be in the upper percentage of men in terms of attraction. Apparently, men often struggle with dating apps because the most attractive men get disproportionate attention from a lot women, while the less attractive men barely get any matches at all. In my case, I effortlessly get many matches every day which includes multiple women in my area who are single, attracted to me, and want to meet me or for me to come to their house. Once again this triggers PTSD though. It feels like these relationships move very fast. In my case I was hoping for something slower. It felt necessary in my case to establish a sense of safety with these people who I just met online. I feel like those dating profiles don't actually tell me much about who a woman is as a human being as it is very limited information. Meanwhile, I am not sure how exactly I should communicate these experiences to women. Usually, we are not supposed to give away all these vulnerabilities until later in the relationship, but at the same time it has a significant impact on the entire process of dating. I don't want to make women feel bad about what happened to me because it might trigger a desire to save me, it might make them feel like they are being manipulated in some way, it might create an excessively rapid bond, it might lead to them confirming the belief that I am fundamentally broken in some way, or it might even lead to genuine compassion. I think I should probably simplify this issue by saying that I was abused as a child and it led to insecurities around relationships and sex without going into too much detail. The problem is that sexual abuse made me feel unlovable and I'm afraid others will confirm this, especially since many people blame the six year old and make excuses for my mother who was also a narcissistic drug addict making suicide threats to terrorize her children. This particular form of sexual abuse is not very well understood because it is psychological rather than physical molestation, leading the survivor to obviously blame themselves due to being mischaracterized as a child molester when the reality is more nuanced than that as adult standards can't be applied in that way. This eventually led to suicidal thoughts and repeated hospitalizations due to severe depression which then led to job loss. Sometimes this makes me think that women would be objectively better off with another man because these mental health problems complicate the relationship. My next barrier to intimacy is that I tend to focus on deeper connection and intimacy rather than casual sex as a consequence of my traumatic experiences. This might be problematic for our culture which tends to start with casual hook ups that may or may not then evolve into deeper relationships. It is challenging when I crave intimacy but simultaneously avoid it due to wanting connection yet being traumatized by it. My avoidance of casual sex was directly due to trauma due to this behavior seeming predatory to me in some way. I had come to believe that my normal sexual attraction was itself predatory because of who my parents taught me I fundamentally was. In this sense, I was not naturally attracted to women in the style that I presently operate under as I would otherwise just walk up to women because I thought they were beautiful like I used to do. From there I then learn about them and discover commonalities that lead to a deeper connection. That is what happened when I was five and I wanted to marry another five year old named Alice. Approaching the opposite sex was easy before the trauma caused all these insecurities when I was six. That all said, I have been working with a trauma therapist for these issues. I feel like I am slowly working through these things leading to temporary peace followed by backsliding into the same turmoil. There has been a significant reduction in suicidal thoughts, I have gotten off of the pills for anxiety and depression, my sleep is improving, I am gradually becoming more secure around these sorts of issues, and I am currently preparing to get re-employed with the help of a case manager. However, there are still significant problems such as me remaining connected to the same family that caused me this trauma which might complicate any relationship that emerges. I am currently running a complex operation that is largely hidden from them as I build a support network outside of my family while removing my financial entanglement with them. This will take time, and it would probably complicate things if I was also hooking up with women while doing all of this. Once I do have all of this nonsense sorted out, then I should be able to meet these women with these insecurities removed, although I will be alone and without support of a loving family which a woman may find more stable in a man, thus improving the relationship quality. I thus fear that my circumstances might reduce the quality of relationships even though these factors are beyond my control. I have recently discovered that my entire belief system is wrong because it is fundamentally based on emotional wounds that then get rationalized and intellectualized. I thought that beliefs were things that I intellectually concluded, but in reality beliefs are primarily emotional rather than intellectual, hence I was unable to logically convince myself out of these insecurities. It is like my brain is too smart and recognizes all of this philosophy I do with actualized.org as a sophisticated rationalization designed to distance myself from my own pain, hence any worldview that emerges inevitably falls apart. I might even try to resist doing this intellectualization, but it is like I don't have control and it happens automatically. This is also what happens when I get triggered by a sex scandal and I start becoming ideological about protecting children from harm due to my experience with sex trafficking. Consciously resisting doesn't stop the emotional wounds from overriding my logical conclusions until I lose control and become an ideologue. Depression works in a similar way to PTSD in this regard. Politicians actually do get more support and attention when they exploit people's trauma as such people tend to become the most vocal around issues that trigger them. I should become less ideological as I process trauma that distorts my worldview even though I already logically and intellectually understand the problems of ideology. I seem to be doing all I can do on this issue and in time these issues should be resolved. Do you have any advice on finding love after CSA? I don't think Pick Up, cold approach, and actualized.org are a good match for me because it is all very triggering. Of course the men struggling to get sex are probably the ones referring to women as numbers like 1 through 10 as they are taught to do. The reason I struggle with women and men who sexualize them and me is for a fundamentally different reason because of what I was taught by my parents. I don't know if normal dating apps would be right for me given what these women seem to be expecting from me as if I am like the other men who struggle with women for the other reason instead. Finding compatible relationships seems to be much more difficult than just getting laid because I could theoretically have sex with any of the women attracted to me by saying yes, but finding someone compatible would require taking time to get to know them deeply before determining if a long term relationship is possible. That would take a long time, making building stable relationships much more difficult than just having casual sex.

I am actually surprised by the amount of women I found who are into board games like chess. They find it impressive that I defeated a national master and won about 15,000 dollars from tournaments while training other kids to win tournaments themselves. They often want me to teach them chess which I could do with other board games as well because they want to learn from a very good player.

I think I figured something out. The lack of public outrage around this issue is probably because of how the institution presents itself. The reason why religion gets far more public outrage when sex scandals occur is because they are the ones who posture around morality and integrity. These kinds of scandals happen with all kinds of institutions, so the reason people are less outraged about this than with religion is because of how the institution presents itself. Religious sex scandals get a lot of coverage and they end up all over the news. All other institutions do not get the same degree of scrutiny even though they likely deserve it. Therefore, the function of outrage at such scandals is to destroy the institution by attacking the image through public exposure. I think there are plenty of parallels with how humans operate on an individual level with anger designed to instill someone with shame that would destroy their image and therefore allow control over the desired outcome.

Guys, I am having an insight about how self-deception, trauma, and our worldviews are all interconnected. I am noticing that when all of these things feel connected to each other, it causes it to feel absolutely true. This is what my worldview actually is and it is based on the messages that I have been receiving all my life. When a person's trauma is connected to political issues like these, it makes them ideological and very angry and panicked like it is doing to me. I am being ideological and I am learning from this.

I feel like I need to spread the word. I feel like I am enabling child molesters with my silence. I think the kids can be protected by making this the public image of ICE. I am confused because I am trying to change the course of reality. What the fuck else am I supposed to do in life? Be happy? I can't be happy anyway. If this changed about me, maybe I would be different. It is just that the urge to act is too strong because of the guilt and shame from my past. This might be instructive for psychology. I know I will be judged but who cares about my happiness anyway. I feel the temptation to apologize, but I don't need to. I didn't choose to be this way.

I am going nuts about this issue because we can save the children. Our government is silent about the fact that is molesting children. There needs to be a public discussion about this so we can protect them. The reason this issue is important to me is because I was silent when my dad's gang was molesting children. I struggle with this guilt. I will tell my therapist about this. I know why I am freaking out about this. I don't want to stay silent when I believe children can be saved from imminent harm. This is what happened when I was living in the drug house. People wanted me to stay silent while mom was being beaten. I am mad at myself for staying silent about those children. I don't feel that I can ever be happy in life anyway. My trauma prevents me from living a happy life anyway. I see no point to going on in life, so I am willing to throw it away to protect someone else. At the end of the day you can always call me selfish. There is nothing I can do about that. I pursued awakening because I thought it would make me happy. I was selfish and I will never be happy. I'm doing my best. I might be screwing up because it serves those in power to stay silent about this issue. I can't help but be human. I will see how I change and what happens next, but this is my present level of consciousness and why.

@carterfelder Grok, i know all of that shit. The point is that we fucking know they are molesting those kids and we continue to allow them to put them in cages with nobody to protect them. ICE does not deserve to keep those kids in custody, as if all the other shit they are doing to them isn't bad enough for the government to care. Now that I say that they are being raped, you minimize the crime by saying this happens everywhere. Don't you dare normalize this shit. It is unacceptable. I guess if my dad's gang tried to rape me, I should just say "adults do this all the time." America should be flipping the fuck out because children are being kidnapped and molested by a government agency, we all know about it, and we are doing nothing. What do you suggest we do? Why don't we have everybody in America talking about this issue? Why do we need to talk about some other issue instead? Who is being served by ignoring this issue? Child molesters.

This issue bothers me a lot. I feel like we are not talking about this enough. It probably has to do with my survivor's guilt from sex trafficking when I was child. I feel that we should be screaming that ICE is molesting children. They are taking kids, putting them in cages, and agents are molesting those kids. You can look it up from several sources. Did I miss something? Why are we not screaming child molesters? Am I stupid to be outraged by this? Is there something wrong with me? Why is there so much silence around this issue? What would happen if people started yelling about this more? I don't get it. Would it make things worse? I know there are more important things, but I cannot ignore this issue. How do I give myself peace of mind knowing that political action will not save America from doom? How do I ignore this issue when truth tellers are punished and labeled terrorists? Can you teach me how to not be bothered by this? I feel compelled to take action, but I thought this was the lesser jihad and I am supposed to focus on more important things like my own self interest. How should I be reacting and responding to the fact that our government is enabling child molesters and nothing is being done to change it. I'm not supposed to be helping people because I am the one who needs help. I'm trying to stop helping people because I care too much and it is hurting me. I am trying to not care but I feel compelled to take action by making this post. Why would the government change if I started fighting against this? I would be ignored and nothing would change unless I approach this issue correctly. I am trying to focus on my personal life because I have no business being political given everything I am going through. This is just reminding me too much of when I said nothing when my father's gang was molesting children. I get that morality is relative and we are all supposed to be desensitized to things like sex scandals, school shootings, corruption, and all the other ridiculous shit in America. I feel like I cannot ignore these problems. I feel guilty by not fighting back even though the government will likely do nothing about anything I say because my opinion does not matter. I will not have any real influence over these political affairs and I am supposed to not expect change from fighting for justice. The American government is insane and I cannot stand for this broken system. I am planning on leaving this dead country that has no hope of saving though protesting. However, there are these distractions such as outrageous issues where I feel the urge to act despite the reality that I will most likely lose. I feel unable to desensitize myself to these realities. What should I do? What is happening to me? Sorry if I sound weird. I feel like I can't help whatever is happening to me.

I have an update to the previous video. This focuses more on anger and where it might be coming from in religious trauma. It might not just be exposure to religious violence, but also the obvious intellectual flaws and my family's religious posturing combined with criminal behavior.