trenton

I just finished another tournament. I had three wins and two draws. One of my wins was against a national master. I therefore gained 82 rating points from this tournament. I had a few problems this tournament. My stress and anxiety were so bad that it made it hard to stay focused. I had stomach problems, a nervous bladder, and a loose stool. I had a hard time controlling my anxiety and it made it difficult to properly calculate everything. This became especially problematic in the last two rounds of the tournament. Fatigue started setting in partially because I couldn't sleep until midnight and ended up waking up a 5. I was technically winning the last two games, but I didn't play as well due to fatigue. I had excellent results with the Sicilian najdorf variation. I won both games with black and defended against an unexpected rook sacrifice. Here is the study with all five games. https://lichess.org/study/viLkAozp/pHfkuTzL

I saw the total eclipse. It was fucking awesome and I was awe for every second of it. I couldn't look away as the whole sky turned dark and I saw some distant planets. The eclipse looked magical with the sunlight glowing from around the moon from behind. I'm glad I got to see it. It far exceeded my expectations and was absolutely incredible.

@MuadDib that looks like a great idea. I haven't tried the upgraded versions of these ai. I should definitely try that for life purpose questions.

I have been disinterested in relationships for various reasons 1. I am goal and career oriented, causing me to see this as a distraction. 2. I struggle to feel any emotional connection to anyone and feel dissociated from the rest of the world. 3. I have very little faith in relationships as see them as causing way too many problems to be worth it. 4. I can't afford my own house and there isn't enough space in my grandma's house for a girlfriend. 5. I see relationships as meaningless as all of them will eventually fell apart in some fashion or another. If I could feel love, then maybe there would be a point to this drama and suffering.

I have been using chat gpt 3.5. If there is a huge difference between this and gpt 4, then I need to check it out. GPt 3.5 is terrible at chess and I don't find it helpful at all.

More about emotional mastery in schools. Apparently, social workers have developed these kinds of programs and they have started Integrating them. It is called SEL or social emotional learning. It helps children to develop emotional resilience while learning how to manage relationships. This is important for children who suffer from abusive and dysfunctional families because they don't know who else to turn to and are often unaware of the resources available. There are a few problems though. Schools are poorly funded, making it difficult to integrate these programs as much as they need to be integrated. This makes it difficult to fully staff these programs because resources are stretched thin across many different schools. In order for these programs to be successful, schools need to have a bigger budget than they currently have.

I have been working with a career coach, a life coach, and an employment agency on this issue. Here is what I came up with. I know what my top picks are in terms of career choices, but for the most part they are unavailable. for example, I could be a full time chess teacher, but these jobs are rare. I would have to move to New York, and it would make it difficult to pay for housing. Secondly, I would be interested in joining a think tank, but this requires both a bachelors degree and that I move to Washington D.C. It doesn't make sense for me to get away from my family before finishing my education. The area of social work I am most interested in is research at a macro level. I would like to use my research to inform policy decisions. This is similar to what I would be doing at think tanks. I would like a job that requires me to constantly learn because I seem to crave intellectual stimulation. The employment agency said that they would help pay for my tuition. I would require at least a master's degree and possibly a doctorate. If I go down this path, then I would like to finish my book about mental illness and society. My dream is to reform the educational system to include emotional mastery and thus prevent suicide, but I don't know how to go about this goal. The best I could find was volunteering for NAMI so I could go into schools and discuss my history with mental health challenges. There are all kinds of things I enjoy studying, but I don't like the career prospects. I like philosophy, sociology, and psychology, but social work seems to have the better career prospects.

@Bobby_2021 I plan on joining college soon. I took a course in computer science and I don't plan on making it my career.

I would like to rethink my entire approach to problem solving because there are probably better ways to solve my problems. I am curious about the approaches other people use to solve problems and I hope that we can come up with better methods.I have been dealing with a lot of problems in various forms (to which you can probably relate.) The problems I am most successful with are chess problems. I approach these problems through a combination of intuition and rational analysis. I find weaknesses in my opponent's moves, exploit them, and win the game. I combine this with constant study and computer analysis with the goal of improvement. This may play to my strengths as someone with autism given how My brain is wired. This is how I defeated a grandmaster for example. My meta problem is that I approach my problems in life as if they were chess problems because I am good at solving in that way. There is a problem with this approach to problem solving. First of all, chess is a game with perfect information. Given perfect information, one can reliably predict the result of a move, but even then one's reasoning can be flawed leading to mistakes. Many of life's problems come with imperfect information. Rational analysis is therefore even more unreliable and is prone to even more mistakes. Furthermore, I often try to think my problems through and come up with a solution. This leads to rumination, causing me to feel trapped and lost. It becomes torture. I analyze my past and present situations again and again only making me even more frustrated. I can't find solutions to my problems by thinking about them, but I still cling to the hope that a solution exists. This causes me to not give up, repeating the cycle. One approach to moral problems seems to be a good for me. I can take a set of relevant principles, weigh their application to a moral dilemma, and then come to a conclusion through analysis. It becomes possible to build up interesting moral positions through this approach. It is kind of like applying the principles of a chess game to guide you to a good move. This could be a principle such as countering a flank attack with a central expansion. I seemed to be very good at moral and academic philosophy when I took a course back in college. I seem to be terrible at managing relationship problems. First of all, my theories fall apart quickly when trying to manage a situation with other people. My conclusion is now that there are no consistent principles to be applied because people react to and interpret your behaviors and intentions in different ways. Each person is unique and requires a unique approach to build any kind of relationship with them. In most cases I have a hard time understanding situations and other people, leading me to be taken advantage of and making mistakes. I often see it as hopeless to communicate my feelings because they can either be rejected or invalidated or completely ignored with no hope of change. Most people are disinterested in deep intellectual work, so I am easily bored with shallow people. These situations are a common weakness for people with autism and obviously rational analysis doesn't help unless I'm trying to predict how someone else will respond and adjust my behavior accordingly to make a calculated move which will probably be bad anyway. It makes it look like my values don't matter a damn and there is nothing I can do about it. In general I hold self education as the key to solving most of life problems. Self education is the key to constant self improvement similar to teaching myself chess to get better. My hope is that I will discover a new idea that will solve my problems. Unfortunately, even this doesn't seem to be enough sometimes. Another kind of problem I dealt with is past trauma. Forgiveness seems to be helpful for this. I tried therapy with limited success. I tried reading several books on emotional mastery with partial success. At the end of all of it I was still depressed and still had thoughts that I would be better off dead. At least I don't need to invent stories about why incest is fine anymore, so that's a plus. Apparently, good relationships are key to solving trauma because they reinforce the belief that you deserve to be loved. ever since the incident from when I was six, I have been struggling with self worth. I have been trying to love myself, but I can't do it. I have been trying to re establish my self worth through accomplishments in career and chess success. (Chess can improve a person's self esteem if they are good at it.) However, I feel trapped at my job at Kroger and I struggle to build a career that uses my strengths. I have tried career coaching and life coaching. I have been given conflicting advice with one saying don't give up on chess and the other saying chess is not a viable career. The opportunities are too rare, and I would be better off joining a think tank. I might need to go back to college. The problem with trying to solve a problem of self worth through accomplishments is that the proof may never be enough. I have earned a hero bonus for working during the COVID pandemic, I helped an abandoned three year old girl, I helped a victim of predatory loaning, I became a chess teacher, I won several chess tournaments, and I helped my suicidal brother. I still don't love myself. Maybe in reality my actions are not proof of my self worth. According to chat GPT my worth and value as a human being is intrinsic. Unfortunately, I think that value is extrinsic and leads me to feelings of nihilism. How do you prove intrinsic value? What are your approaches to problem solving?

What does "getting points to resolve it" mean?

If I were being as rational as possible in terms of my career problems, this is what I would think. According to Cal Newport, following your passion is a bad idea. It can cause you to end up on food stamps. If I pursue chess by moving to New York to get the job, I will struggle to afford housing. Even then, I will put myself through a lot of suffering to try to become a grandmaster. I wasn't given a chess coach at a young age, so realistically this career path will not work. It is not a problem of my abilities, but rather a problem of circumstances. These circumstances happen because chess is a game and does not provide enough value to the world. The reason I didn't give up is because I believe I am supposed to overcome these circumstances and achieve my dream anyway. This is idealistic and will force me to tie myself in knots. As it stands my career options are limited because I only have an associate degree. I will have to go back to college to expand my options. Other career paths could include joining a think tank to inform public policy or becoming a mental health educator. One reason I have been sticking with this path I'm on is because I don't like the solution. If I want what is best for me, then I might have to do something I don't like. I don't know how I'm supposed to be happy in that case, hence I become lost and confused. But rationally I should stop trying to organize my life in such a way as to become a professional chess player.

@Karmadhi good question. I don't know how to evaluate when a war is hopeless. Russia can apparently sustain the war for at least two or three more years whereas Ukraine cannot. Ukraine can't stay in the war unless they keep receiving aid. How can you tell if the war is hopeless for Ukraine?

I liked Leo's video on forgiveness. I used the exercise on a traumatic experience and it has changed me. I no longer need to invent stories about why incest is okay. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DGlFjhO0lgLA&ved=2ahUKEwiN3Z6q1vSEAxWRtokEHRUbA-oQo7QBegQIBhAG&usg=AOvVaw0rKj-cRVihxwu95e-eTcmK

So much about this is unfair. The republican party is successfully blaming Biden for the border issue even though they are intentionally blocking any effort to secure the border on the grounds that it would give Biden a win. They are also blocking aid to Ukraine. The republican party does not deserve to be trusted because they are causing the problems for which Biden is blamed. These factors along with many others make the election much closer than it should be, and unfortunately many people seem to believe the lies of the republican party. I wish we had a healthy right wing, but after briefly trying to distancing themselves from Trump, the republican party has found itself as it was in 2016.

Sometimes I feel alone because I don't see anybody who can relate to this kind of story. This event emotionally scarred me as a child and I want to see if something similar happened to others. When I was six I had a sexual interaction with my four year old sister. We put our private parts in each other's faces. It was sexual curiosity and we had no intention of being abusive. However, when my mom found out she accused me of sexually abusing my sister. She told me that my actions were a crime and that I would go to jail. The most damaging part was when my mother made the accusations and not the sexual interaction itself. I have become a different person because of this incident. First of all, I have been struggling to reestablish my sense of self worth. I did not deserve love and compassion because the situation was my fault. I distanced myself from other sexually curious kids while at school. I felt that behaving like them would diminish my self worth. The reason I place a lot of pressure on myself to self actualize, build a good career, and to pursue higher ideals is because I am trying to develop proof of my self worth. I still haven't recovered my sense of self worth and sometimes it leads to me hating myself. Along the way I became sensitive to sexual harassment that happened at school. There were girls who would touch me inappropriately for example. This made me even more distant from the other students. I have a lot of stories about why I should not pursue sex or any kind of intimate relationship. Although on the surface my objections seem rational, I would be a different person of not for what happened when I was six. My aversion to intimacy is ultimately due to sexual trauma which was not caused by sexual abuse. It led to a disowning of sexual curiosity. How many of you can relate to this kind of trauma story? What have you done to recover? Did you have a sexual interaction with a sibling and how has it affected you?

I had a recent breakthrough. Hopefully this is the end of it again. According to my research, ptsd can lead to social isolation. Isolation is commonly used to avoid triggers such as people getting angry with me which Do was common in my dysfunctional household. This social isolation contributes to depression and suicidal thoughts. As I am trapped in my own thoughts I become tormented by the same patterns again and again. I will try discussing this with my family, but I am afraid to because it requires expressing boundaries.

Here might be a relevant song. Here is another popular song by citizen soldier. His songs are all about suicide.

@Princess Arabia do you think posting this was a mistake that could actually hurt people?

@Sabth I want to tell you I am going through a similar struggle. I hate myself and I constantly find more reasons to hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so badly I want to die. I discussed a traumatic event with my life coach. He suggested that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to get a good career because I was trying to re establish my sense of self worth. My accomplishments would serve as proof that I am worthy of self love. You seem to be trying to create proof that you deserve to be loved. I have plenty of proof my my self worth but I still hate myself to the point of suicidal thoughts. I would suggest that if you are seeking proof of your self worth, it will never be enough and you will always want more proof. This is the cycle of people pleasing for instance. remember the hierarchy of needs. Before self actualization comes self esteem. If you sabotage yourself constantly with self hatred you will never be satisfied with your accomplishments and you will still not feel worthy of love. for me I have been trying to regain my self worth since a traumatic incident from when I was six. If you suffered from serious trauma and blame yourself, it causes you to shut down emotionally, and it is hard to rebuild self worth from that place.

Update: I talked with my life coach and he had some important insights. We discussed some childhood trauma and drew some connections. The reason I put so much pressure on myself to form a career I am proud of is because I am trying to re-establish my sense of self worth. He pointed out that I shut down emotionally a long time ago and my sister is now frustrated because she wants to love me but I do not connect with any of it. I have been emotionally disconnected from love for my entire life due to a chaotic upbringing and trauma. To regain my sense of self worth I felt that I needed to sacrifice love, relationships, and pleasure. It was a good session. I have been losing sleep at night because I place a lot of pressure on myself to achieve something great. I otherwise feel valueless without proof of self worth. This may include the pressure on myself to get really good at chess so I can prove something to myself by gaining the title grandmaster. He suggested that many of my statements from the exercises he gave me were coming from a place of putting pressure on myself. In order to have more positive motivation, I need to let go of this pressure by understanding that I already am worthy.

I don't know what is happening to me. For some reason I am having suicidal thoughts and I can't help but feeling frustrated, sad, and angry. I'm not sure why I would want die. I have been trying to combat this by staying productive. For example, I am working on a book about mental illness and society. I have a lot of good ideas and I have been spending hours doing research. Sometimes I get stuck. I end up falling into self hatred even when I am doing everything in my power to live a good life. I tried hiring a career coach to help me find a career path outside of chess. This was my passion, but I feel unable to build the life I want. Sometimes I try to compensate this by pursuing importance. I am now looking into things like macro social work. I tried studying my chess books and it seems to have helped a little. I have worked on a lot of trauma with my therapist already. The mysterious self hatred might end up driving me back to it. CPT coach wasn't really helping when I tried working on stuck points like I will never be happy or I can't love myself.

@Leo Gura I wanted to tell you that your series on deconstructing science is one of your best series. Good work on that.

I keep having a similar dream over and over again. They are all dreams about me needing to go to the bathroom really badly. My most recent one is was about being surrounded by broken toilets. Most of the people had given up on searching for a toilet that worked and surrendered to the possibility of wetting themselves. They were people I recognized from school. This recurring dream could be a sign of unresolved trauma. It might be an indicator of why I suffer from low self esteem. Sometimes I used to wet myself at school because the teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. I was very upset with myself for these things. In fact I was once blamed for peeing on the floor in the boys bathroom. The substitute teacher called me a pig in response to this. Finally, there was another boy in the bathroom who made me uncomfortable while I was using the urinal and I have been avoiding urinals ever since for fear of sexual harassment. I only use urinals when I have no other choice. I also used to crap my pants frequently after I was potty trained. Nowadays I run to the bathroom very frequently before I have to start holding it. I also drink a lot of water, probably more than I need. Sometimes it is problematic during chess tournaments because I am on a timer. Right now I am not following my feelings to get to the source of trauma. Instead I am following logic to reach a new conclusion. I don't feel like this is triggering feelings of low self worth but there are repeated patterns. I would have forgotten about all of this if not for my dreams. What should I do about this recurring dream?

@Judy2 thanks for the thoughtful response. I told my grandma about these dreams and she said she had this recurring dream too. In her dream the only toilet is outside and everybody is watching. I feel like I actually need to go to the bathroom during the dream. I feel the sensations. When I wake up the sensations are gone and I no longer need to go. When I was in school I was alone most of the time. I was a straight A student and the other kids didn't take education seriously. I was further isolated due to autism and I stuck to myself most of the time. Other kids would would not let me play with them during recess. To this day I generally stick to myself and I don't socialize with other people much. I have always been more concerned about aspiring to higher ideals. Unfortunately, this is vague and it brings me a lot of anxiety over life purpose. I didn't know that being overly aware of my bladder was a symptom of anxiety. I have already wrote about my past experiences in the bathroom in my journal. There was one experience that still bothered me. When I was in the fifth grade I tried to use a urinal. Another boy came up next to me, put his hands behind his head, leaned back, and winked at me as he peed. It made me uncomfortable and I still don't like using urinals because of it. Stalls give me a greater sense of security.

It looks like the problem is just low self esteem in general. Many of my emotional problems stem from me hating myself in general. I constantly found new reasons to hate myself. One of my previous threads was called "I hate myself for wanting vagina." Another thread was about how I would rather die than become like my father. Another thread became about a traumatic event from when I was six. Other threads are about me struggling to find purpose in life which also damages self esteem. I have been struggling to love myself my entire life, but nothing seemed to be working. The most recent progress I have been making has to do with letting go of judgements internalized from other people. This includes my mother's judgement when she reacted as if I were sexually abusive and the it applies to when I was bullied for being the smart kid in school. Letting go of these judgements seem to bring me peace. Self love is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I find ways to temporarily stop my hatred, but it often came back. Part of the problem is that OCD is a shame trap. It leads to a lot of backsliding. My mind constantly finds new reasons to hate myself whether it is my failure to become a professional chess player or to decide on a new career path. When ever I bring myself to peace, there is often an ego backlash in which my mind finds a new reason to hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so badly I want to die. This was a recurring problem when I was an inpatient. I was unable to accept that I was good. Hopefully, this is the last time it happens. I'm not sure how it will happen again if it does or how I will handle it.