trenton

I'm coming to the realization that altruism was likely a false life purpose for me. I didn't always have this leaning. For me there is something that resonated from Buddhist traditions in that altruism is a form of self punishment in that it is self sacrifice for a perceived greater cause. In my case the sacrifice felt worth it because my identity was already destroyed, so whatever identity I sacrifice is a miserable one anyway. However, this is a set up for self destruction regardless of any noble acts I ever do. I'm now trying to figure out a purpose that is independent of altruism. I'm trying to figure out how to define my self worth in some way other than my utility to other human beings. No matter how many children I save from kidnappers or victims of predatory loaning I help it doesn't feel like it's enough to fill my inner void. These acts are designed to be proof of my inherent goodness and worth which I am still not convinced of despite the acts. Furthermore, the reason I am drawn to changing systems and understanding social structures is because I am looking for ways to help the maximum number of people. This is why I am drawn to politics and "the greatest good for the greatest number." However, in my case I was happy with practicing to become a professional chess player. The reason I didn't do that is because of a series of obstacles I seemed unable to overcome. Therefore, I needed to create an alternative life purpose beyond chess. In order to compensate my misery and justify my continued existence despite the years of my life lost pursuing a false hope of joy and fulfillment, I increasingly emphasized my utility to others. I can't make a living off of chess because it is not valued by others in the same way I loved it. The outcome is that following my passion was never really an option, but trying to change broken systems is even more unrealistic than becoming a grandmaster in chess. If replacing things that made me happy with altruism doesn't work, then I'm in new territory. I genuinely don't know what other type of purpose to pursue. If I can't get fulfillment from career, impact, passion, and things of that nature, then what other purpose should I have? I could try relationships, but it requires building a new support system outside of my family. Maybe fulfilling relationships are possible, but I would need to move out to the right location with the right support systems. Furthermore, the only other logical choice for meaning and fulfillment might be spirituality. The problem is that Truth and God transcend the self and meaning altogether. This would probably be spiritual bypassing if I tried committing my life to these things. Part of me doubts that I would be good enough to be a sage given my kind of track record and what goes on in my head and what I have been through. Of course I know I keep saying "I" even though I don't exist and it happens because I have a hard time describing things without contextualizing them within the framework of the ego self. Without "I" I don't know how to think, so no need to remind me that I haven't awakened. If spirituality really were a path to some kind of acceptable existence, then meditation and psychedelics seem like they might be an answer, although the outcome may not be practical change depending on how it is executed. I unfortunately don't see any other paths to meaning and purpose. If altruism isn't the answer, then I need to rethink this whole situation in terms of what my goal should be. I have no idea what other sources of meaning I could be using.

I have been reading about the extent of the problems in the criminal justice system and I reached a conclusion that renders the justice system completely unworthy of a shred of trust. Although the problems were numerous and I already knew the entire system was broken, the problem goes beyond a broken system in that the criminal justice system is perverted to the point of being weaponized against its enemies. This includes up to the extent of framing people for murder by planting DNA evidence at crime scenes in order for the court to conclude that the defendant is guilty. We already knew they planted drugs on people and often get away with it, so clearly the police are the most effective at framing people for crimes they didn't commit. The problem is that our society treats DNA evidence as if it proves that a person definitely did something, when really it might prove the police are framing them but the courts refuse to question this possibility. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_evidence The way this is accomplished is through organized crime syndicates such as Mafia Cop. I have encountered organized criminals before such as my father and his gang. Sometimes these organized criminals are smart enough to work with the police. This way they can learn more about how the justice system works, how to gather evidence, how police operate, and how to manipulate police more effectively. The organized gangs then gain substantial inside knowledge on how police function as well as the justice system as a whole. This includes gang members becoming attorneys, prosecutors, and judges in order to learn how evidence in court works, how to use it, and how to weaponize it against rival gangs. They understand how the logic of the court system works in order to navigate as effectively as possible to their benefit. For example, in 2025 New Mexico Judge Jose Cano and his wife were caught housing a suspected member of the Venezuelan Tren de Aragua gang. Although this judge may have been linked to a gang, I can no longer be sure if this is truly justice or if another gang framed him to make him resign. Furthermore, being a police officer is an effective way to get away with murder. There are all kinds of excuses you can make to just shoot somebody and kill them, but then get off with minimal repercussions. This is even more effective than typical gang violence because they have the guise of legitimacy that allows them to kill people more efficiently and with impunity. This kind of reminds me of the Nazi police officers, but hopefully our police are not as bad as them. This kind of problem is fundamentally unsolvable through more criminal justice. The problem is that if we live in a society where there are deeply evil people who want to exploit systems to their benefit, then they will look for ways to corrupt our systems and use them for their own gain. If we make a criminal justice system, then organized criminals would want to infiltrate it. I don't know how to solve the problem of organized criminals infiltrating police ranks to frame people for crimes they didn't commit while getting away with murder. There is no amount of tough on crime rhetoric that can solve the criminal police problem. Tough on crime is only directed in ways that serve those in power who wish to continue using the system for their benefit. It kind of sucks that we might need a good president to help us with this, but the problem is that Donald Trump is the president and sometimes compared to Jesus Christ who loves America with all of his heart. By being in power it allows them to control the narrative including in criminal justice when the system is weaponized against rival gangs. We see the news coming up and talking about all these evil and horrible criminals, but that is just to serve the justice system which itself is full of criminals but targeting the ones they want to. I find this disorienting because as children we are conditioned to trust police officers and they are framed as heroes. However, this completely flips reality on its head by making police look like some of the worst villains of all. It looks like gangs exist on every level of the government and they will use whatever power they have control others. At the same time those who show fear of the police end up seeming suspicious, therefore they will investigate you for crimes and look for what ever they can to get a conviction. How do you think we should go about addressing corruption under circumstances like these? If those in power are the problem, then how do we change a system that is run by those in power? For some strange reason they seem very resistant to adding anti-corruption measures.

I think I have realized a gap in Leo's forgiveness video. Although it is mostly good, there were some oversights which were not properly integrated, and I don't think he could have expected this. The thing is that he said that if somebody abused you physically or sexually, then that would require professional help like a therapist. This on its own is fair and likely true because the trauma would be too severe for exercises assumed for a general audience. However, this did not account for psychological abuse in extreme forms including things which I have experienced but were not technically physical or sexual abuse. In my case I was framed for a variety of things across multiple examples including child sexual abuse and kidnapping due to a conspiracy to set me up and make me seem guilty when no such intent existed. When I try to tell people that I am a victim of a conspiracy to frame me, I end up seeming like I am crazy and people don't want to believe me because it sounds absurd. Although I was not physically or sexually abused, I was framed as if I were a perpetrator of child sexual abuse. This included an incident when I was at the park and a couple told me that a child was their brother when in reality the child had no brother. When I told the child that his brother was waiting for him and wanted me to come get him, the child panicked and ran to his mother who was outraged with me. Luckily, rather than pressing charges she told me to stay the fuck away from her child before I left. The conspirators had fled by the time I realized what was happening, thus making me seem like a liar. Maybe the reason I got stuck on forgiveness is because being framed for serious crimes like the sexual exploitation of a minor, rape, or murder might constitute another form of abuse that requires therapy rather than a forgiveness exercise. The reason Leo's framework may not apply to these situations is because of the reasons why people do this. First of all, if somebody is framing you for a crime, they clearly are not ignorant and they obviously are lying while seeming reasonable to others because they deliberately planned and designed this entire situation. In this case something like "father forgive them for they know not what they do" most likely applies to the people who punished me, but not the perpetrators who framed me and lied to them making them think I was guilty when I wasn't. The innocent people are not only executing someone innocent, but also enabling serious villains without realizing it. Secondly, if people hurt you out of weakness and fear, then it is hard to say that this applies to people framing you for a serious crime which they deliberately planned and had no need to do it if you did nothing to them. At best the people framing you for a serious crime are doing so because they were directly responsible for a serious crime and want to avoid the consequences out of weakness and fear. However, in some cases there was no crime from the beginning and they created the entire crime from the beginning purely out of the sadistic pleasure of getting away with something so heinous while causing others severe harm for which they can never be held accountable. Thirdly, people who hurt you were probably being selfish. Maybe people framing you for murder might come off as a tad self-centered. It kind of looks like they are trying to hurt me and get intense sadistic pleasure out of it. Fourthly, people who hurt you were acting out of a desperate need for love and they wanted love from you. How exactly does that apply to someone framing you? Is it appreciation for the intelligence of evil that they have or is it to treat them with compassion for being poor people who were hurt and deserved better? At best I can see how this is pretty clever, but I don't want to actually do that to people because that would make me an asshole. I don't really see anyway to actually design a system that can't be exploited by this mechanism. We would probably have to avoid punishing people and instead focus on repair, knowing that it is possible that someone is the victim of a complex conspiracy to frame them and not even realize it while everyone is making them feel guilty to the point of a false confession. Finally, people who frame you are definitely not very conscious. If they were self-aware and realized how selfish they would have to be to act this way with a complete absence of any form of empathy. It is hard to tell what kind of universe they were living in to not feel bad in the slightest at anything they were doing. They must have had a very different brain structure to think this was all somehow okay. There is no helping those people and we need to stay away from them by being able to recognize danger before it is too late even if they are in reality lurking for a target like you but you don't realize it because they present as completely normal human beings with plausible stories that seemingly exonerate them of any potential wrongdoing. I am also realizing that if evil is questioned all the way to this level, it becomes completely impossible to distinguish who the devil is. What happens when people start trying to frame each other for framing them by making up these stories to make it seem like they are the ones framing you when in reality your the one framing them? Here is an example I thought of. Suppose a man has a girlfriend who invites him for sex. However, this seduction is in reality part of a plot to frame the situation as rape/self defense in order to get away with murder. When the man does have sex with her a fight breaks out with injuries for both. However, the man leaves a potentially lethal stab wound in her which could cause the situation to look like rape/murder when in reality it is self-defense. Once he breaks free, run and calls the cops saying "help! My girlfriend seduced me as part of a plot to frame me for rape as she attempted to murder me claiming self-defense which in reality it wasn't! I stabbed her in self-defense leaving a potentially fatal wound and she needs to be rushed to the hospital or else her death was also deliberately designed on her part to make me seem like the bad guy when in reality she is the bad guy because she was the one trying to rape and murder me and not the other way around as she would claim in the event that she survives and attempts to frame me! When the girlfriend survives she claims "he is a complete fucking liar! He is the one who tried to rape and murder me and not the other way around and now he is attempting to frame me as if I were the one setting up a murder plot when in reality it was him! I never seduced him, in fact I repeatedly told him no but he forced himself on me anyway and then left a potentially fatal stab wound as I attempted to fight back in self-defense only for him to flee as if I were the one trying to frame him and not the other way around! He is the one who set up the situation to make me look like the bad guy when really it was him! He's the one who wanted all the money to himself!" Boyfriend says "no she's lying! She is the one who wanted all the money to herself and she therefore tried to get away with murder while claiming that I am the one who was trying to get away with murder as if I were claiming self-defense but lying while in reality I am actually telling the truth and it really was self-defense on my part and not hers!" In this scenario they were the only two witnesses and there were no recordings of what actually happened in this intense fight. It might become impossible to tell who the bad guy is in this situation. If he said/ she said situations are already bad enough in cases of domestic violence and the police often can't do anything about those cases, then imagine this kind of he said / she said. I think it is fair to say that being framed for a serious crime might be beyond what Leo intended for the exercise. How would you apply something like forgiveness to situations like being framed for something you didn't do, and how would you reconcile your life for having been ruined by the belief that you did something that you didn't do? In my case I have also been hurt by being turned into a scapegoat by my family, leaving me isolated due to the belief that I am somebody I am not as a consequence of lies and gossip which some innocent acting family members believed as a typical dynamic in narcissistic abuse. Part of me still feels tempted to not forgive the ignorant family members who believed the lies because they repeatedly failed to give me a pass for ignorance when I made a mistake and tried to make amends. They enabled the abuse by refusing to believe that I was being framed and they continue to do this do this day, hence I feel unsafe still. I may require a new life but struggle to build it. Do you think forgiveness in scenarios of being framed might require the God Consciousness or awakening Leo was talking about in order to realize that I am one with the people who tried to frame me and not separate from them? Would that mean that I was the one who framed myself? This probably requires consciousness beyond what I currently see.

@Leo Gura Thank you for clarifying this Leo. I have some further questions. I tried dating women and it was terrible. I felt absolutely horrible every time they wanted to have sex with me. Sometimes I feel safer talking to men instead. Sometimes I like the idea of sex with men. I also noticed that I tend to see the man more than I see the woman when looking at porn. For me the conflict comes in when part of me does like women. I was originally naturally attracted to women, but it was complicated by what my mother did to me which made me want to avoid women. This made me confused as to whether I was straight, but traumatized or actually bisexual. Is it possible to be straight naturally, but then damaged through abuse to the point that you become gay because women now seem repulsive? What also confuses me is the fact that I masturbate to fantasies of women instead of men, which I may be confusing for a sign of straightness. Sometimes I find it hard to live with being straight, so it all becomes very confusing to me. How does demisexuality factor into this equation?

Guys, I realized something important. PTSD is not the only issue here. I also have autism and that is making the situation even more confusing. People with autism are often confused by traditional dating norms. They often are more likely to be demisexual which seems to match my experience. The combination of autism, demisexuality, and PTSD creates a situation in which normal flirting does not compute. Immediate sexual attraction throws me off completely. I start hearing these messages as if these women immediately want to have sex with me, which does not seem to match the experience of most men. This combination of traits seems to make the experiences even more intense and even more traumatizing.

Every time I get to the end of one of these episodes I feel like it is finally over and done. I don't always post on these forums during these episodes, but they happen multiple times a week.

@TheCloud I was just now doing some version of that again. Do you have a professional helping you do that? I was doing it alone again. Anyway, my findings were that I have a fixer who believes I am fundamentally broken and without the possibility of recovery I must be destroyed. I am trying to resolve my lack of self love through self destruction and ultimately suicide. I am basically trying to save myself through jumping off of a bridge while using self attacks disguised as love and care. There is a lot to it, but that is a bit of it. I feel calmer now.

@Schizophonia yes, my ego is inflated. In fact my ego seems to be changing a lot lately. I am reorganizing my character and sometimes it comes out in very cringe ways. I can't just will my ego into going away. I wish I could, but it does not work. In this case, I am mixing in what I learned from a very cringe series called "how to get laid" which was also triggering to me. I believe this is exactly what was meant by it. I currently am moving a lot on many issues simultaneously. This includes trying to overcome my fear of sex as a result of bull crap from childhood while processing trauma. I will get there eventually even if I end up looking very stupid throughout this process. Yes my ego is full of shit now and it is inflated. I am waiting to see what becomes of this as I work on several things simultaneously even beyond the realm of dating. My life is being restructured and I will see what I become.

@TheCloud it is an emotional flashback and reliving trauma. It is like a panic attack similar to what I experienced at the time. I then start to feel as if I am in great danger. This fear then leads to shame due to this sense that I have somehow caused harm even if most of the harm is falling on me. In that sense it feels like both.

I seem to be some kind of chick magnet and it is very easy for me to attract women. I do however, have my own unique struggles that make me hesitant to carry through with these offers for sex. There are some present insecurities that I am presently navigating and it would likely complicate any serious committed relationship that might come about. It seems that forming tenable relationships or having casual sex is largely a matter of just working on my own insecurities and being more confident in myself. My biggest insecurity seems to be complex PTSD from childhood sexual abuse caused by my mother and father. My mother taught me that I was fundamentally unlovable and that I belonged in jail like a sexual predator due to having an inappropriate sexual interaction with my four year old sister when I six after having a dream in which my Uncle molested me and my father was a sex trafficker who brought me to a gang that tried to rape me. There were many trauma responses to these experiences. Some of these trauma responses that developed included a phobia of casual sex, playfulness, the fear of confirming what my mother taught me about my sexuality, the fear of becoming someone like my father, and so forth. The result is that I have been avoiding dating all my life because romantic relationships are often retraumatizing to survivors of CSA. I was too busy trying to compensate my sense of self-worth through things like life purpose, but it never feels stable because I am trying to compensate an emotional wound through external action and achievement. Therefore, I constantly feel lost in life no matter how much personal development I do. It appears that in terms of my sexual development I have been locked in stage blue as a result of trauma responses to a stage red environment. Therefore, stage orange ends up appearing predatory to me and it triggers PTSD, reinforcing the same dynamic from childhood. I think the paradox of attraction in my case is similar to the paradox of gay men. In the case of gay men, they ironically come off as attractive to women because they don't have any sexual agenda toward them. They are polite, socially calibrated, and authentic without any need to sexualize women. Women therefore might feel safe around these men as they grow emotionally closer to them, leading to some form of sexual attraction even though the gay man isn't even trying to attract her. If you compare this gay men to straight men who struggle to with women, it reveals a cosmic joke. Straight men struggle to get laid precisely because they overly sexualize women. This leads to them being inauthentic and less socially calibrated, therefore women find them unattractive and reject them. The agenda to get laid often is a significant obstacle to getting laid because women might feel objectified and made to feel slutty around you. An alternative approach might be to find women you like primarily for the sake of having fun with them, which may or may not evolve into a sexual experience. The neediness for sex might make you less calibrated, leading to rejection. This can be tricky if the sexual desire is still there, so I think it is for the best that we don't try to pretend it isn't there or else the inauthenticity would then lead to rejection. This seems like a tricky balance to strike, which might be why straight men often struggle with attraction. The paradox also applies to virgin men who don't brag about having a giant penis because they instead focus on other forms of intimacy, creating emotional closeness even if they are not actually pursuing sex because they just don't care or are not interested. In my case the attraction paradox works in a similar way. Due to CSA, I developed insecurities around sex which made me avoidant. Therefore, when I talk to women I did not sexualize them. I did not like being sexualized because it triggered PTSD and I understood that women probably would not like it either, especially if they were sexually abused. I also come off as deeply honest and authentic because I am not trying to hide anything from them. In order to avoid discomfort caused by sex, I often focus on other shared interests that we have fun exploring and discussing. The outcome is that there are a lot of women enjoy being around me as they start to develop emotional attachments, leading to sexual attraction. The problem is that when women want to have sex with me, it starts to trigger PTSD. Similar to the gay paradox, it appears that male survivors of CSA might ironically become attractive to women who want to have sex with them even though it hurts them. This might be why the survivors of sexual abuse are likely to be revictimized as there are many opportunities for unwanted sex that come about as a consequence of being sexually abused once. This kind of pattern seems to repeat when I test different dating apps. I seem to be in the upper percentage of men in terms of attraction. Apparently, men often struggle with dating apps because the most attractive men get disproportionate attention from a lot women, while the less attractive men barely get any matches at all. In my case, I effortlessly get many matches every day which includes multiple women in my area who are single, attracted to me, and want to meet me or for me to come to their house. Once again this triggers PTSD though. It feels like these relationships move very fast. In my case I was hoping for something slower. It felt necessary in my case to establish a sense of safety with these people who I just met online. I feel like those dating profiles don't actually tell me much about who a woman is as a human being as it is very limited information. Meanwhile, I am not sure how exactly I should communicate these experiences to women. Usually, we are not supposed to give away all these vulnerabilities until later in the relationship, but at the same time it has a significant impact on the entire process of dating. I don't want to make women feel bad about what happened to me because it might trigger a desire to save me, it might make them feel like they are being manipulated in some way, it might create an excessively rapid bond, it might lead to them confirming the belief that I am fundamentally broken in some way, or it might even lead to genuine compassion. I think I should probably simplify this issue by saying that I was abused as a child and it led to insecurities around relationships and sex without going into too much detail. The problem is that sexual abuse made me feel unlovable and I'm afraid others will confirm this, especially since many people blame the six year old and make excuses for my mother who was also a narcissistic drug addict making suicide threats to terrorize her children. This particular form of sexual abuse is not very well understood because it is psychological rather than physical molestation, leading the survivor to obviously blame themselves due to being mischaracterized as a child molester when the reality is more nuanced than that as adult standards can't be applied in that way. This eventually led to suicidal thoughts and repeated hospitalizations due to severe depression which then led to job loss. Sometimes this makes me think that women would be objectively better off with another man because these mental health problems complicate the relationship. My next barrier to intimacy is that I tend to focus on deeper connection and intimacy rather than casual sex as a consequence of my traumatic experiences. This might be problematic for our culture which tends to start with casual hook ups that may or may not then evolve into deeper relationships. It is challenging when I crave intimacy but simultaneously avoid it due to wanting connection yet being traumatized by it. My avoidance of casual sex was directly due to trauma due to this behavior seeming predatory to me in some way. I had come to believe that my normal sexual attraction was itself predatory because of who my parents taught me I fundamentally was. In this sense, I was not naturally attracted to women in the style that I presently operate under as I would otherwise just walk up to women because I thought they were beautiful like I used to do. From there I then learn about them and discover commonalities that lead to a deeper connection. That is what happened when I was five and I wanted to marry another five year old named Alice. Approaching the opposite sex was easy before the trauma caused all these insecurities when I was six. That all said, I have been working with a trauma therapist for these issues. I feel like I am slowly working through these things leading to temporary peace followed by backsliding into the same turmoil. There has been a significant reduction in suicidal thoughts, I have gotten off of the pills for anxiety and depression, my sleep is improving, I am gradually becoming more secure around these sorts of issues, and I am currently preparing to get re-employed with the help of a case manager. However, there are still significant problems such as me remaining connected to the same family that caused me this trauma which might complicate any relationship that emerges. I am currently running a complex operation that is largely hidden from them as I build a support network outside of my family while removing my financial entanglement with them. This will take time, and it would probably complicate things if I was also hooking up with women while doing all of this. Once I do have all of this nonsense sorted out, then I should be able to meet these women with these insecurities removed, although I will be alone and without support of a loving family which a woman may find more stable in a man, thus improving the relationship quality. I thus fear that my circumstances might reduce the quality of relationships even though these factors are beyond my control. I have recently discovered that my entire belief system is wrong because it is fundamentally based on emotional wounds that then get rationalized and intellectualized. I thought that beliefs were things that I intellectually concluded, but in reality beliefs are primarily emotional rather than intellectual, hence I was unable to logically convince myself out of these insecurities. It is like my brain is too smart and recognizes all of this philosophy I do with actualized.org as a sophisticated rationalization designed to distance myself from my own pain, hence any worldview that emerges inevitably falls apart. I might even try to resist doing this intellectualization, but it is like I don't have control and it happens automatically. This is also what happens when I get triggered by a sex scandal and I start becoming ideological about protecting children from harm due to my experience with sex trafficking. Consciously resisting doesn't stop the emotional wounds from overriding my logical conclusions until I lose control and become an ideologue. Depression works in a similar way to PTSD in this regard. Politicians actually do get more support and attention when they exploit people's trauma as such people tend to become the most vocal around issues that trigger them. I should become less ideological as I process trauma that distorts my worldview even though I already logically and intellectually understand the problems of ideology. I seem to be doing all I can do on this issue and in time these issues should be resolved. Do you have any advice on finding love after CSA? I don't think Pick Up, cold approach, and actualized.org are a good match for me because it is all very triggering. Of course the men struggling to get sex are probably the ones referring to women as numbers like 1 through 10 as they are taught to do. The reason I struggle with women and men who sexualize them and me is for a fundamentally different reason because of what I was taught by my parents. I don't know if normal dating apps would be right for me given what these women seem to be expecting from me as if I am like the other men who struggle with women for the other reason instead. Finding compatible relationships seems to be much more difficult than just getting laid because I could theoretically have sex with any of the women attracted to me by saying yes, but finding someone compatible would require taking time to get to know them deeply before determining if a long term relationship is possible. That would take a long time, making building stable relationships much more difficult than just having casual sex.

I am actually surprised by the amount of women I found who are into board games like chess. They find it impressive that I defeated a national master and won about 15,000 dollars from tournaments while training other kids to win tournaments themselves. They often want me to teach them chess which I could do with other board games as well because they want to learn from a very good player.

I think I figured something out. The lack of public outrage around this issue is probably because of how the institution presents itself. The reason why religion gets far more public outrage when sex scandals occur is because they are the ones who posture around morality and integrity. These kinds of scandals happen with all kinds of institutions, so the reason people are less outraged about this than with religion is because of how the institution presents itself. Religious sex scandals get a lot of coverage and they end up all over the news. All other institutions do not get the same degree of scrutiny even though they likely deserve it. Therefore, the function of outrage at such scandals is to destroy the institution by attacking the image through public exposure. I think there are plenty of parallels with how humans operate on an individual level with anger designed to instill someone with shame that would destroy their image and therefore allow control over the desired outcome.

Guys, I am having an insight about how self-deception, trauma, and our worldviews are all interconnected. I am noticing that when all of these things feel connected to each other, it causes it to feel absolutely true. This is what my worldview actually is and it is based on the messages that I have been receiving all my life. When a person's trauma is connected to political issues like these, it makes them ideological and very angry and panicked like it is doing to me. I am being ideological and I am learning from this.

I feel like I need to spread the word. I feel like I am enabling child molesters with my silence. I think the kids can be protected by making this the public image of ICE. I am confused because I am trying to change the course of reality. What the fuck else am I supposed to do in life? Be happy? I can't be happy anyway. If this changed about me, maybe I would be different. It is just that the urge to act is too strong because of the guilt and shame from my past. This might be instructive for psychology. I know I will be judged but who cares about my happiness anyway. I feel the temptation to apologize, but I don't need to. I didn't choose to be this way.

I am going nuts about this issue because we can save the children. Our government is silent about the fact that is molesting children. There needs to be a public discussion about this so we can protect them. The reason this issue is important to me is because I was silent when my dad's gang was molesting children. I struggle with this guilt. I will tell my therapist about this. I know why I am freaking out about this. I don't want to stay silent when I believe children can be saved from imminent harm. This is what happened when I was living in the drug house. People wanted me to stay silent while mom was being beaten. I am mad at myself for staying silent about those children. I don't feel that I can ever be happy in life anyway. My trauma prevents me from living a happy life anyway. I see no point to going on in life, so I am willing to throw it away to protect someone else. At the end of the day you can always call me selfish. There is nothing I can do about that. I pursued awakening because I thought it would make me happy. I was selfish and I will never be happy. I'm doing my best. I might be screwing up because it serves those in power to stay silent about this issue. I can't help but be human. I will see how I change and what happens next, but this is my present level of consciousness and why.