trenton

I think I figured something out. The lack of public outrage around this issue is probably because of how the institution presents itself. The reason why religion gets far more public outrage when sex scandals occur is because they are the ones who posture around morality and integrity. These kinds of scandals happen with all kinds of institutions, so the reason people are less outraged about this than with religion is because of how the institution presents itself. Religious sex scandals get a lot of coverage and they end up all over the news. All other institutions do not get the same degree of scrutiny even though they likely deserve it. Therefore, the function of outrage at such scandals is to destroy the institution by attacking the image through public exposure. I think there are plenty of parallels with how humans operate on an individual level with anger designed to instill someone with shame that would destroy their image and therefore allow control over the desired outcome.

Guys, I am having an insight about how self-deception, trauma, and our worldviews are all interconnected. I am noticing that when all of these things feel connected to each other, it causes it to feel absolutely true. This is what my worldview actually is and it is based on the messages that I have been receiving all my life. When a person's trauma is connected to political issues like these, it makes them ideological and very angry and panicked like it is doing to me. I am being ideological and I am learning from this.

I feel like I need to spread the word. I feel like I am enabling child molesters with my silence. I think the kids can be protected by making this the public image of ICE. I am confused because I am trying to change the course of reality. What the fuck else am I supposed to do in life? Be happy? I can't be happy anyway. If this changed about me, maybe I would be different. It is just that the urge to act is too strong because of the guilt and shame from my past. This might be instructive for psychology. I know I will be judged but who cares about my happiness anyway. I feel the temptation to apologize, but I don't need to. I didn't choose to be this way.

I am going nuts about this issue because we can save the children. Our government is silent about the fact that is molesting children. There needs to be a public discussion about this so we can protect them. The reason this issue is important to me is because I was silent when my dad's gang was molesting children. I struggle with this guilt. I will tell my therapist about this. I know why I am freaking out about this. I don't want to stay silent when I believe children can be saved from imminent harm. This is what happened when I was living in the drug house. People wanted me to stay silent while mom was being beaten. I am mad at myself for staying silent about those children. I don't feel that I can ever be happy in life anyway. My trauma prevents me from living a happy life anyway. I see no point to going on in life, so I am willing to throw it away to protect someone else. At the end of the day you can always call me selfish. There is nothing I can do about that. I pursued awakening because I thought it would make me happy. I was selfish and I will never be happy. I'm doing my best. I might be screwing up because it serves those in power to stay silent about this issue. I can't help but be human. I will see how I change and what happens next, but this is my present level of consciousness and why.

@carterfelder Grok, i know all of that shit. The point is that we fucking know they are molesting those kids and we continue to allow them to put them in cages with nobody to protect them. ICE does not deserve to keep those kids in custody, as if all the other shit they are doing to them isn't bad enough for the government to care. Now that I say that they are being raped, you minimize the crime by saying this happens everywhere. Don't you dare normalize this shit. It is unacceptable. I guess if my dad's gang tried to rape me, I should just say "adults do this all the time." America should be flipping the fuck out because children are being kidnapped and molested by a government agency, we all know about it, and we are doing nothing. What do you suggest we do? Why don't we have everybody in America talking about this issue? Why do we need to talk about some other issue instead? Who is being served by ignoring this issue? Child molesters.

This issue bothers me a lot. I feel like we are not talking about this enough. It probably has to do with my survivor's guilt from sex trafficking when I was child. I feel that we should be screaming that ICE is molesting children. They are taking kids, putting them in cages, and agents are molesting those kids. You can look it up from several sources. Did I miss something? Why are we not screaming child molesters? Am I stupid to be outraged by this? Is there something wrong with me? Why is there so much silence around this issue? What would happen if people started yelling about this more? I don't get it. Would it make things worse? I know there are more important things, but I cannot ignore this issue. How do I give myself peace of mind knowing that political action will not save America from doom? How do I ignore this issue when truth tellers are punished and labeled terrorists? Can you teach me how to not be bothered by this? I feel compelled to take action, but I thought this was the lesser jihad and I am supposed to focus on more important things like my own self interest. How should I be reacting and responding to the fact that our government is enabling child molesters and nothing is being done to change it. I'm not supposed to be helping people because I am the one who needs help. I'm trying to stop helping people because I care too much and it is hurting me. I am trying to not care but I feel compelled to take action by making this post. Why would the government change if I started fighting against this? I would be ignored and nothing would change unless I approach this issue correctly. I am trying to focus on my personal life because I have no business being political given everything I am going through. This is just reminding me too much of when I said nothing when my father's gang was molesting children. I get that morality is relative and we are all supposed to be desensitized to things like sex scandals, school shootings, corruption, and all the other ridiculous shit in America. I feel like I cannot ignore these problems. I feel guilty by not fighting back even though the government will likely do nothing about anything I say because my opinion does not matter. I will not have any real influence over these political affairs and I am supposed to not expect change from fighting for justice. The American government is insane and I cannot stand for this broken system. I am planning on leaving this dead country that has no hope of saving though protesting. However, there are these distractions such as outrageous issues where I feel the urge to act despite the reality that I will most likely lose. I feel unable to desensitize myself to these realities. What should I do? What is happening to me? Sorry if I sound weird. I feel like I can't help whatever is happening to me.

I have an update to the previous video. This focuses more on anger and where it might be coming from in religious trauma. It might not just be exposure to religious violence, but also the obvious intellectual flaws and my family's religious posturing combined with criminal behavior.

I recently made a video on religious trauma linked to 9/11 from when I was a young child. Do any of you find this instructive or insightful? I wonder if I should make a blog about the sorts of things I post and make videos about.

@Schizophonia that is not how I am reading this. She did not just propose sex. She proposed cheating. This changes the dynamic considerably. I would be hesitant to defend cheating. Sex itself is not the problem. The circumstances around it makes it more suspect. Do you think I am overreacting to the implications of a person's character if they are somebody who would cheat? This is not the same as just proposing sex. She might be willing to cheat on other men too.

I am in a somewhat difficult situation I am trying to manage. I lost my job due to struggles with PTSD. I have been hospitalized again despite not having the additional stress of work which was very distressing. It is happening because of a combination of past abuse, ongoing abuse, and sleep disruptions caused by PTSD. When there is ongoing abuse, it becomes impossible to let go of the defense mechanisms that keep me hypervigilant. I can't fully grieve and process trauma if it leaves me too vulnerable. In this case I have a narcissistic sibling who seems to want me to kill myself as she takes sadistic pleasure in causing me the maximum harm without consequence despite knowing my vulnerability. The family is presently enabling her by trying to silence me and pressuring me into forgiveness without accountability. My mom is also likely a narcissist and she has crowned herself winner of the victim Olympics because she was actually abused unlike me. In the meantime I am also facing medical complications such as auto immune hepatitis for which I am being treated now. This was the condition I had which triggered my medical reaction leading to hospitalization. Other than these pills, I am off all anxiety and antidepressants. I feel much better without them. I am also working with a trauma therapist, but my progress will be limited unless the family dynamics change or I leave and live on my own somehow. I am thinking of a time frame around 3-5 months depending on what happens. I am currently living with my grandma who is supporting me, but other family members are draining my bank account while claiming to teach me financial responsibility by charging me rent for money they don't actually need. This grandma does not charge rent, meaning my money is being depleted at a slower rate. This might give me time. I currently have around 35,000 dollars in total counting my banks and stocks if I sell them. I lost a lot of money due to predatory loaning, so I am never going to college in America again. I will have to go to Europe for such a thing instead where the prices are reasonable. Higher education is still likely necessary for a decent career or potentially becoming an engineer or inventor. Trauma bonds are a factor in this equation. Although the family system is and always has been objectively terrible for me, I still love my younger siblings and they are victims as well. However, my mother and sister are not safe and my grandmas might enable them by scapegoating me. This makes sleep even more difficult. I have prepared a message for my younger siblings and grandmas as my younger sister is on the same page. If my plea works then it should reduce the harm as I organize an exit plan. The thing is I need a job and I need to recover from PTSD that caused me to lose the job, but if the family does not cooperate then there will be no other option but to somehow leave. I have my savings and I should have some time, if I did leave. This just seems like a big move and a lot to organize, but a necessary one. The hesitation to make these big moves could be deadly. For example, I believe America is doomed and it is not safe to stay in this country. The American government is being run by the military industrial complex which prioritizes arms profits at the expense of driving the deficit which is clearly going to crash us due to endless wars and terrible economic policy by our leadership. The American empire will fall just like all other empires that project military might across the globe to distract from these internal contradictions that cannot be changed due to policy lock in caused by the assassination of JFK. But for some reason, I don't seem to be acting urgently enough to leave America. There are legitimate issues I face, and it would be a big risk to move out prematurely. I was recently hospitalized and I am working with a decent psychiatrist to get this sorted out. I am making progress and I am optimistic about the next few months. It is not as much progress as I could be making though because of the enablers in my family. I am doing a sleep study which they are interrupting by retraumatizing me and not respecting my boundaries when it is inconvenient. Where do you draw the line between strategic patience and procrastination? I think I could work in the short term of a couple of months, but depending on the situation I may have to leave soon.

@Majed I think you made a good choice. The female narcissist can be very charming at first. However, she has shown her true character in this manipulation. She will try to act like the perfect girl, but once she starts cheating or she even tries to get you to cheat, that tells you everything you need to know. The charming character she was showing you was not real, it was a fantasy and you could have ended up in an awful situation if you pursued such a relationship. Who knows what other manipulation tactics and schemes she had in mind had you slept with her? That might have been just the beginning of a downward spiral.

@aurum what all do I need to come from a place of strength? I'm feeling pretty sad right now. I'm with an abusive family and I lost my job due to struggles with PTSD. I'm making progress, it just takes time. Part of me says I love myself, but when the PTSD talks it makes it sound like I hate myself even if the things it says about me are not true. I am currently trying to distinguish between procrastination and strategic patience as I navigate the abusive family. Part of it is a trauma bond because I still love my brother and younger sister, but if the rest of the system is compromised then I might not be able to stay. I have some money saved up still, but I don't want to deplete my money too quickly. I still need to get some medical complications sorted out before I get back to work. My younger sister seems willing to help me in this. My grandmas likely don't realize how they are enabling my older sister's narcissistic abuse while I am degraded and treated like a scapegoat, isolating me from family holidays as I no longer feel safe at gatherings. This loneliness seems to be driving things like sexual desire even more. This is going to take patience, but there is a fine line between strategic patience and procrastination disguised as strategic patience. If it is possible to recover without the ongoing abuse, then maybe I would be better off leaving sooner but this is a big task.

@DocWatts they are not joking about driving people to suicide. I was in the hospital for mental health where I met other trauma survivors. Some of them were victims of modern day neo nazis who tried to drive them to suicide after doing the same to their friends. They coerce them into jumping off of bridges to disguise the murder as suicide and they get away with this constantly. This is why the suicide statistics are wrong. As it stands nearly 50 percent of murder cases are never solved. That is not counting the proxy suicide murderers because they are not even being recorded as murders. I am also a survivor of a proxy suicide attempt by my abusive family member. I was being targeted even more because of my severe depression and there was sadistic pleasure on the harm being caused with impunity. The other family members still refuse to admit that abuse is even happening and they tell me I am the problem somehow. I really need to leave, but there are some genuine constraints combined with sentimental bullshit around some family members I love. The point remains is that they are definitely not joking about those suicides. I have met survivors and the legal system is terrible at prosecuting this because they don't take psychological abuse as seriously as physical abuse due to the greater difficulty in proving against plausible deniability without direct words.

Does this mean that we will need to disguise ourselves as right wing fascists with the strategy to pretend to support billionaires so they are not alert to what is happening as they lobby against us? We would have to publicly talk about things like meritocracy and free market while downplaying the harms of capitalism. We would then make policies packages as something that gives billionaires more money and keeps wages low, which the government is doing anyway by the way. Then we would find ways to sneak in policies that seem to help billionaires at first but which have down stream effects that ultimately help the poor and gives them more power instead. If you are too open about the problems of the world and those in power, then they will crush you. This might be a noble or necessary lie to work around it. What would you think if I were someone who appeared to be a right wing capitalist fascist but was secretly working to undermine them? Would you consider me very conscious or very unconscious?

@Lyubov basically I have this feeling I call loneliness because I am cutting myself off from an abusive family system. I know I can never get genuine lobe from them because they find my reality too uncomfortable, especially if they are trying to avoid legal accountability while being smug in the suffering they cause me. I have become the family scapegoat and I cannot express myself and be seen for who I am because of all the lies that were spread about me and the unwillingness of other family members to acknowledge the harm caused. They don't want accountability so they they blame me. I am experiencing a combination of grief and rage because I didn't have the opportunity to have a family that would love me beyond a stupid performance designed to manipulate me. If they cannot accept me or my point of view and they must enable further abuse, then I must remain in no contact with them. I can't afford to give in to the trauma bond and go back to them. They are the cause of my mental health problems in the first place that I am trying to recover from. I just hate the fact that my younger siblings are also lost to me in the process. They are too young to understand these dynamics, and my younger sister sometimes takes my sister's word for it even if she lies about me. My younger brother is still in highschool and I don't want to dump this shit on him. I shouldn't turn to him for emotional support. I am realizing that I never had the opportunity to be with someone who would be with me and see me for who I am. I can see the therapist once a week, but I want someone I can speak to everyday. I know not to make them a therapist, but I still want a hug and someone to talk to. I've been avoiding relationships all my life because I learned that love was a lie and a tool to manipulate in addition to being unworthy of love of course. I hate carrying the weight of everything on my own.