loub

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  1. As I am currently going through a phase of some depression and anxiety I can say that the hardest part is appreciating the problem while suffering from it. Because in that appreciation the problem is recognized as a valuable lesson for the future... and so stands completely at odds with the hopelessness of depression. The depression won't go away just then but a different attitude towards it is established. You become more curious about what it reveals to you and you see how you have maybe been starving yourself of affection or connection or whatever. I don't know what you or anyone browsing this section is going through but just know, this is not the end. Don't let your depression fool you otherwise. There's light at the end of the tunnel. There's a place in this world where you can live out your right to be happy, connected, hole and alive. There are people who care about you. I know I do.
  2. Very similar situation here. I tend to find myself switching between states of silence and presence and states of anxiety about the future, hopelessness. There is little in between, maybe a sense of numbness. In that suffering I shame myself a little for being overly concerned with what I otherwise know to be so petty. On the other hand this lack of drive and direction has become a hindrance to my growth and development. But how can you be so concerned about your self in the face of such marvel and wonder. Other people in contrast seem so content just doing something and partying and having a good time, so what justification is there to go and tell them that they don't know what is truly important and they miss the point of life when you are depressed and anxious. I think it is very important to notice that that kind of unexamined life is no longer a possibility. You are beyond the point of no return. You must then acknowledge that you dream of a different kind of life, a life of truth and beauty and self-expression and connection and impact. You have stepped outside the box and now you are falling because you have yet to discover that gravity does not apply here. Think for yourself, what is truly important to you beyond social and cultural conditioning. How do you want to create your life?
  3. You might want to check out the book "Thick Face, Black Heart". Haven't read it but think it answers your questions raised here. Just because agreeableness comes from the lower-self does not necessarily conclude that disagreeableness would be your higher-selfs expression. What you want is self-esteem, especially self-assertiveness. For that check out Nathaniel Brandens work and do the 32 week sentence-stem completion program. In my personal experience it has been invaluable to check my hidden beliefs and unquestioned assumptions that led me to think that overly agreeable behaviour would be the best way of going about relating to other people. If in contact with other people agreeablness tends to be your default behaviour, try and just not act on the first few urges to do or say a certain thing. It will be a little awkward to just stand there but eventually some different, deeper demeanor will present itself. And that is not disagreeableness.
  4. How do you go about relating to other people nowadays? I get that you can't be talking about god or consciousness all the time, but does your spirituality affect your behaviour in ordinary situations? Did that real-estate woman notice something about you? It probably just reveals me having put you on too much of a pedestal, but this encounter you described struck me as rather... ordinary.
  5. This was an exciting read. I am glad you seem to be finding real clarity about what you want to do with your life. My suggestion would be not to think too much in terms of existing career paths, but think more outside the box. Life purpose is very much about crafting your own niche in life, not to just follow existing paths. I really resonated with when you said "life coach for children". I'd love to bring my kids to someone who is an expert on child psychology and self-esteem in children. Where a child therapists deals with getting over suffering, you could take the more positive approach and teach them self-actualization, maybe chip in some spirituality, be a mentor and friend of sorts. Endless possibilities and virtually no limit on how deep you can go with this. Do the LPC if you haven't already. Cheers
  6. Your Life Path Number is 3 Your Life Path Number represents the path you should take through life and the talents and skills you have to make your journey a rewarding one. Your Life Path will allow you to be creative and comfortable with yourself. You will approach life with a bottomless well of optimism. Your imagination will inspire you to create, and in time you will come to inspire others. top Your Life Destiny Number is 5 Your Destiny Number sheds light on those things you must accomplish in your life to be fulfilled. A 5 Destiny number indicates you will move through life on a stream of change. It is your destiny to explore the limits of your personal freedom and promote free will for all. You will encounter change throughout your life, and where many would see this as instability you will embrace it as the coming of new opportunities. top Your Soul Number is 9 Your Soul Number describes your deepest desires and dreams and the person you truly want to be. You are the essence of compassion and love for your fellow man as well as the universe. You desire to create harmony, peace and beauty for all of us. Your compassion will often lead you to sacrifice you own needs to address those of others. While this sacrifice may tear at you some, your soul's need to heal others will over-rule any concern you have for yourself. top Your Personality Number is 5 Your Personality Number reveals the "external you"--the personality traits others will know you by. 5 personalities are bright and witty. They thrive on change and a variety of experience. 5s are risk takers. Chance invigorates them. The 5 personality's prime directive is to explore and expand their personal freedom. They are liberal by nature. 5s love to explore the physical world and expand the realm of their sensuality. 5s have a youthful personality that many will find irresistible. top Your Maturity Number is 8 Your Maturity Number reveals the person you will come to be--your true self. Those with an 8 as their Maturity Number will find rewards through their accomplishments. Their early lives will be spent learning how to apply power without becoming dictatorial and finding a balance between the material and spiritual world. As you mature you will be called upon more and more often to lead others. If you learn to apply authority without becoming tyrannical you may well be thought of as one of the world's great leaders in your later years. top Your Balance Number is 6 As long as your life is on an even or uplifting keel balance numbers are relatively dormant. However, in those times when your life is out of order your Balance Number can become central to resolving the turmoil you are experiencing. Your Balance Number reflects the traits you need to bring to the forefront in order the get through difficult periods with the least amount of damage or time wasted on negative influences. A 6 Balance Number suggests you are a key part of the problem and must take responsibility for your role. Do not allow yourself to be overly comforted by others. To do so will give you a false sense of justice and a stage on which to wallow. You need to not just act, but act responsibly and fairly. top The 4 Pinnacles Pinnacles represent moments in your life in which you realize current goals and learn some of life's lessons. If you are at the beginning of a Pinnacle, then they can be used as a predictive tool to assist in managing your future. Your first Pinnacle begins at birth and last until around the age of 27. Your Second Pinnacle last through the next 9 year and the Third Pinnacle last for 9 years after the Second Pinnacle has passed. Your Fourth Pinnacle picks up where the Third Pinnacle ends and last throughout the rest of your life top Your First Pinnacle Number is 11 While an 11 Pinnacle will be traversed by most as a 2 Pinnacle, for those exploring metaphysical and spiritual issues this will be time of profound development. Those living life on the level of an 11 will find their intuitive powers are at their apex. This will be a time when you are called to inspire, lead and bring joy to those around you and possibly all of humankind. top Your Second Pinnacle Number is 5 A number 5 Pinnacle is a time of change. This is period in which you will cast off restraints and develop your personal freedom. You will learn to be flexible and adaptable, to hold your ground and not run from the changes which confront you. A number 5 Pinnacle is a time of change. This is period in which you will cast off restraints and develop your personal freedom. You will learn to be flexible and adaptable, to hold your ground and not run from the changes which confront you. top Your Third Pinnacle Number is 7 A 7 Pinnacle marks a time for study, self-discovery and spiritual development. Your focus on the inner-self will bring out the loner in you. If your 7 is a First Pinnacle you will probably have to deal with a feeling of alienation. A 7 in the Second or Third Pinnacle demarks a time for further spiritual exploration and refinement of your understanding of yourself. As Fourth Pinnacle, the 7 denotes yet more time exploring your inner-self and the sharing of your wisdom with others. top Your Fourth Pinnacle Number is 8 An 8 Pinnacle is a time in which you will learn to apply power and authority in an effective way. In this period you should master the basic skills to become a good leader: organization, management and hopefully the application of justice for all. top The 4 Challenges Challenges denote personal weaknesses and temptations you will have to overcome and strengths you will have to develop to fully realize your goals. The 4 Challenges have the same time frame as the 4 Pinnacles. top Your First Challenge Number is 3 The Challenge the number 3 puts before you is to learn to speak truly from your heart. You will have to overcome the negative traits of the number 3, which include superficiality, hyperbole, egocentrism, gossiping and disorganization. top Your Second Challenge Number is 6 A 6 Challenge marks a period in which you will learn to balance the needs of your family with your own. You will learn that true nurturing can only come from your heart. Your idealistic views of marriage may be shaken some, but if you learn to temper them some you will be happier and more secure on the other side of this Challenge. top Your Third Challenge Number is 3 The Challenge the number 3 puts before you is to learn to speak truly from your heart. You will have to overcome the negative traits of the number 3, which include superficiality, hyperbole, egocentrism, gossiping and disorganization. top Your Fourth Challenge Number is 3 The Challenge the number 3 puts before you is to learn to speak truly from your heart. You will have to overcome the negative traits of the number 3, which include superficiality, hyperbole, egocentrism, gossiping and disorganization. top The 3 Cycles Cycles occur in 28 year periods. The First Cycle last from birth through your 28th year and is called your Formative or Seed Cycle. The Second Cycle--your Productive or Fruit Cycle--begins at age 29 and last through your 56th year. The Third Cycle, your Harvest Cycle, begins with the coming of your 57th year and last throughout the rest of your life. Your Cycle Numbers tell you the lessons you must learn and goals you must meet to stay on your Life's Path and achieve your true destiny. top Your First Cycle Number is 7 A 7 Cycle denotes a time of analysis and exploring life's deeper meanings. Your need to devote most of your intellectual energies to introspection may well stress your relationships with others, but they should survive. Your knowledge of life's meaning will increase dramatically. You may well be called upon to share your wisdom with others. If a 7 appears in your Third Cycle, this will be a time of quiet, spiritual development. People will seek you out for your wisdom. top Your Second Cycle Number is 4 This is a time for you to put things in order. You will address many of life's practical concerns during this period. Discipline, order and a willingness to work hard are your greatest allies during this Cycle. top Your Third Cycle Number is 1 A 1 Cycle indicates a time of action and development. If your First Cycle number is a 1, you are gaining independence and confidence. There may be times when you feel alienated from those around you. A 1 in the Second Cycle reflects a time when you will be confident, determined and able to lead others. A Third Cycle 1 indicates a time in which you will be independent and dynamic. You will be very independent and self-discovery will be a major preoccupation. top Your Karmic Lesson Number(s) are/is 4 6 7 Karmic Lesson numbers reveal areas in which we need to grow. To become more complete, we need to give extra attention to these areas in this lifetime. If one of your 5 core numbers is the same as a Karmic Lesson Number the significance of the Karmic Lesson Number is reduced. top A 4 Karmic Lesson Number is indicative of a need for direction in life. Although you may feel somewhat confused about why you are here, work to find your true path through this life. top A 6 Karmic Lesson Number denotes an inability or reluctance to make commitments. Even when you do commit yourself to something it may be your nature to hold back any true passion for the commitment or relationship. Over time you might do well to slowly allow your passions to express themselves and put your heart into your commitments and relationships. top A 7 Karmic Lesson Number signifies you may be neglecting your innate talents. Whether it is a lack of will or fear of failure, it appears you are not devoting enough time and energy to honing those talents that are core to your being. You know what you are best at, so embrace it. top Your Karmic Debt Number(s) are/is 14 Karmic Debt Numbers signify past abuses of your talents that you must make amends for. Like all of us, you have made many choices and taken many actions in your lives. Some of those choices and actions have been mistakes. Your past errors must be addressed, so you can use your Karmic Debt Numbers to identify exactly what type of mistakes you have made in the past and how you can atone for them. top A 14 Karmic Debt Number indicates that you have abused your right to freedom. Possibly you increased you freedom to act at the costs of others, or you exercised your free will in ways that abused your own spirit (e.g., drug use). The solution for you is to find a true path to freedom that does not harm you or others around you. top Your Lucky Number is 4 Your Personal Lucky Number does not change. This number will be lucky for you your entire life. Your luck derived from this number will be strongest when you are addressing events and issues related to the general meaning of the number. Lucky Numbers should not be relied on to constantly produce positive results, or make impulsive, high risk gambles. They simply mean that where they appear you have an edge. How large an edge is impossible to determine, but seems to increase with the number of occurrences your Lucky Number is be associated with a given event or issue. Those with a Personal Lucky Number 4 will find their luck derived from 4 strongest when the issue or event concerns the building of new things or maintaining established traditions. Your 4 may come in handy if the stability of your finances or romance is in jeopardy. The luck of a 4 may prove beneficial when trying to provide a stable environment in which a project or person can grow. top Your Signature Number is a 8 Signature numbers are based on how you sign your name. Your signature carries the power and the faults of one of the base 9 numbers. You may actually want to sign different documents with different signatures to reap the benefit of a particular number. For instance, if you are signing an agreement of partnership you might want to alter your signature to reflect the powers of the number 2. The signature you entered is an 8. Use of an 8 signature is definitely to your advantage when you are in the role of boss. top Your Birthday Number is 4 This number is most influential between your 28th and 56th year. While it is not the most important number in your profile, it does have an effect on your Life's Path and Destiny. You need stability and order to be happy. You are pragmatic and reliable, disciplined, honest and fair. You can be relied on to get any job done. top Your Personal Year Number is 5 This number tells you what is happening in your life this year. This number should be used to help you avoid setbacks and focus your energies on those areas of your life where you are most likely to achieve your goals. You are in a year of change. This is a good time to move in new directions, take a few risks. A 5 year is also a time when your curiosity is at its zenith. Make time to sate your inquisitiveness, travel, and explore interests which you have never made time for before. top Your Personal Month Number is 5 This number tells you what is happening in your life this month. Use this number in the same way you would your Personal year number, but apply it only to the current month. This is a good month in which to embrace change, take a few risks, and explore new directions in your life. top Your Foundation Letter is L Having an L Foundation Letter denotes a conservative approach to projects and ventures. You may be slow to act in the face of change. Sometimes this will be a detriment and at others it will be the proper approach. top Your End Letter is S Having an S End Letter identifies someone is able to see a project or venture through to the end. Their ideal role would be peacemaker. They must be careful not to act without thought, or they could do harm to their endeavors. ******* I resonated partly with mine, some parts I must say did not feel quite right. It was an interesting read though. Glad it helped you. For now I won't be able to take any of this as written in stone, like the site seems to suggest.
  7. I haven't tried shamanic breathing because I am worried about hyperventilation and potential brain damage. Did not do any extensive research though. Would like to hear from people who might know more. As for your problem I can't really give you any advice as I haven't tried it, but I think it is wise not to go beyond the point of strong bodily pain in any spiritual practice, at least in the beginning.
  8. Nice post. By speaking the truth, the truth changes. By speaking the truth that is grounded in you being an asshole the possibility of transformation opens up. By keeping it in you resist being an asshole and will remain to be one. The inability to speak the truth comes from identification with some part that you perceive to be constant, that needs protection to survive. The more you let go of that, the more mindful you will be and the more excitement, aliveness and spontaneity you will experience in your life.
  9. A piece on the madness of Mephisto. To me a piece on the madness of Enlightenment. The melodies during the middle part are sublime.
  10. Socializing is where the spiritual rubber hits the road. How open can you allow yourself to be? How authentic? How vulnerable? How free are you in your interactions, how playful? Where and how do you judge yourself? There is great value in observing yourself in social contexts. See how fear works into all this. Aim for furthering your understanding of yourself and reality. See how well you express your deepest knowledge and being. See how you inhibit yourself through all kinds of internalized bullshit. Without meditation I could not do this at all. So this is really no separate process. Whichever of these two you feel more drawn to you should focus on- or even better: whichever one of those two you resist stronger.
  11. Well, falling in love is a scary process as it does come with a loss of independence and personal freedom. The vulnerability of giving yourself over and the dangers perceived in commitment are likely to cause set backs. Now, on the information you provided I can't take an educated guess on what it may be in your case but I'd still like to offer my two cents in case they might be helpful: Romantic love is an amazing feeling that elevates the spirit, and restores a refreshing sense of wholeness. But it is not the basis of a successful relationship. The basis of a relationship is intimacy which is entirely divorced from romantic love, even though it does not exclude it at all. During the course of a truly intimate relationship you will be falling in and out of love repeatedly and ever deeper. As you seem to be struggling with some adversities that interfere with your being or falling in love, I'd say you need to shift your objective from wanting romantic love to wanting true intimacy and connection. Then those adversities turn into opportunities to grow together. For that it is crucial that you should tell him or her about those barriers as truthfully as you possibly can, even though that thought alone will be very scary. There are concrete things you can do in order to deepen intimacy. This checklist is taken from the book Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton: tell each other your entire life story taking about three hours each. tell each other your complete sexual history including how many people you had sex with, what gender they were and the details of what you did with them masturbate to orgasm in front of each other with no assistance from each other tell each other of any affairs, near-affairs, necking, day dream, arousal, or flirtation you have been engaged in since you've known each other take turns in a half hour monologues in which one of you agrees to be silent while the other speaks.tell your partner everything you resent them for and everything you appreciate them for. After you have both taken your turn talk about the monologues for at least thirty minutes. Whichever one of the above you haven't done that you least want to do, do first. With one exception: the last recommendation. Taking turns at monologues should be done after the others are complete. *end of quote* I hope this might be of some help. To end this on a personal note I can tell you that my fear of commitment, that was rooted in deep-seated insecurities and self-esteem issues, led me to rationalize away every emerging relationship thus far. Today I know that it was partly because I was thoroughly inauthentic and rightfully felt that the women who claimed to love me did not really know me at all. And also because the relationships I felt they offered seemed so very shallow and ordinary and their love so immature and unquestioned. But then also because I did not believe myself to be lovable. I'd hate it if you made the same mistake now If you'd be comfortable sharing some more information I might be able to offer some more personalized advice. Anyways, I hope you won't let those doubts get to you in a way that leads you to make a bad decision. Best regards
  12. I think it is a great exercise for building up intimacy. If you are into that kind of stuff, here's a checklist for intimacy taken from the book radical honesty. tell each other your entire life story taking about three hours each. tell each other your complete sexual history including how many people you had sex with, what gender they were and the details of what you did with them masturbate to orgasm in front of each other with no assistance from each other tell each other of any affairs, near-affairs, necking, day dream, arousal, or flirtation you have been engaged in since you've known each other take turns in a half hour monologues in which one of you agrees to be silent while the other speaks.tell your partner everything you resent them for and everything you appreciate them for. After you have both taken your turn talk about the monologues for at least thirty minutes. Whichever one of the above you haven't done that you least want to do, do first. With one exception: the last recommendation. Taking turns at monologues should be done after the others are complete. *end of quote* Perhaps you will react against some of these quite strongly. That's when you should consider doing them even more. If you should decide to do some, or even all of these I would love to hear from you about how it went. Hope to have been of help, best regards.
  13. Don't fall prey to the narrative of romantic love being the driving factor behind a successful relationship and once it ends the relationship has to end. Romantic love is an intensely beautiful experience where you feel whole and have a sense of belonging and a heightened sense of self-acceptance and ease in life. It is not the ground on which a successful relationship stands. It doesn't even have to be the starting point. Contrary to what most people believe you can fall in love and out of love with one person repeatedly, and this is what usually happens during the course of a successful relationship. As you discover and rediscover yourselves over and over again, you fall in love with each other over and over again, and ever deeper. What then is the foundation of a successful relationship, if not romantic love? Consider what your highest vision for two people sharing their lives with each other looks like. Surely it is not making each other feel good all the time. Instead it has to be about depth and wholesomeness. About mutual understanding and acceptance. About having someone with whom you can completely and utterly strip yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Someone with whom you can share the depths of your being, all your petty thoughts, your insecurities, your fears, your hopes, your weaknesses, your ambitions and your undesirable traits in a quest for mutual self-discovery. Someone who can make you see through your own bullshit. There's much to add, but do you see how the basis goes much deeper than just romantic love? Do you see how this can get you and your gf caught up in an upward spiral of growth, wisdom and being? What I would suggest you do is come together with your girlfriend and investigate together into what your highest vision for your relationship could look like. Go in there with some pre-written questions, like: Do we really need to fight? Need there be misunderstanding? Do we need highs and lows? Do we need to hold anything back from each other? etc... What you absolutely need to do is tell your girlfriend about your thoughts about falling out of love. Absolutely necessary, though I understand this thought alone is probably extremely frightening to you, because the outcome of that is completely open. Read the book Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton with the upmost sincerity and pay special attention at the relationship chapter. There's lots of very practical and useful tips plus a profound vision presented in this book. I hope you can take something away form this rather lengthy reply. Best regards, my friend
  14. @Aeris I don't really see how that relates to what I wrote here, I'm sorry but I don't understand what you are trying to say.
  15. About a week ago I had my first panic attack. It was the most intense suffering I have ever experienced. I would describe it as total hopelessness and rampaging insecurity of an intensity I have never felt before. There was nothing beyond this feeling, nothing good in my future. I was in a weird place where I was watching the suffering and was at once one with it. I saw the deceptive self-hatred and still believed it. I felt completely helpless and there was nothing I could do to stop it, nowhere to go. There was a strong feeling of it being too late, of me having surpassed the point where my aspirations, dreams and hopes and everything based in my higher values was still achievable. Like I now had to settle for mediocrity. All the while my breath was very short and my body shaking and my jaw clenched and a strong pressure pulsating on the top of my head. I vividly imagined being an utter failure and burden on everyone I know. A complete embarrassment of a man. The thing that helped me was sleeping. I slept for solid 12 hours and woke up refreshed and throughout the last week I have felt an increase in hope and future-mindedness, social freedom and self-acceptance. Now the feeling is back, not as strong but still strong enough. Right now for me it is literally true that I can never find my life purpose, that I will be unable to progress anywhere. Mind you, I am twenty and see how that is probably nonsense but it is true nonetheless. I'd appreciate anyone's imput who might be able to help me here. I don't think I got the discription down very well, I also tried to not overexaggerate and make a fool out of myself. Just know that I am not in a good place right now. Thank you.