Codrina

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About Codrina

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  • Birthday 01/26/1988

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  • Location
    Baia Mare
  • Gender
    Female

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  1. Pretty heavy indeed. I woke up 7 am for the last 3 days. Today 6 am. Didn't do any work, just processed through the motions. I did not see my friend at all until yesterday. He actually wrote to me on Friday, asking me if I would go visit - I said no, told him if he wants to see me he can come and visit. He did not like that. Same thing Saturday - he wrote me to go and visit him, I said no - he got really angry - he called me to tell me how I suck and all that. Really ruined my mood after a really fun day - I ran downhill, walked uphill for 7.5 miles through the woods to the lake, had a really cold bath - I managed to stay in the water for 7 minutes - felt horrible for the first half, then my body hurt less, before my alarm went off I was actually thinking I could swim for a bit. I then returned home on the same path. Stopped to meditate with the trees at one point. Such beauty...and then my friend, all enraged because I would not go see him - I felt really upset and heavy for the rest of the evening. Yesterday felt really heavy as well. I actually laid on the floor all day with my laptop and food. My friend wrote to me in the afternoon asking me if I wanted to take my dog to the park, he was there with his dog. I went. He talked about his frustration that he cannot go flying - he's a paraglider. He spent 2 minutes on 'us' and that was him saying: 'I got so angry yesterday. I wasn't this angry in a long time. But I will not apologize for it.' I asked him if he asked himself why he got so angry. He said he's not on the psychology hour. I couldn't be bothered with anything. I just let him speak while admiring the sun, the trees, the dogs. After maybe an hour of small talk he left for groceries and I returned to my floor and laptop. Today I started my day with half an hour of yoga and maybe 20 min meditation, didn't check the clock. I think I will implement this habit again, I feel it really helped in the past, start the day with three yoga exercises from Sadhguru: Yoga for Health, Yoga for Success, Yoga for Overall Well being - in this order, then a cold shower I am completely disconnecting for the next 7-10 days. I am on a water fast as well - I want to go with it for at least 3 days. I'll see you all on the other side Take care
  2. @Artiekee Thank you. I started this Journal to keep me going with my goal - i feel it'a a hard one and i could use the motivation of public pressure As for the openness, it worries me sometimes...I like to think I am doing it to help with my quest for truth (I used to lie often in my younger days) - I always tell people exactly what's on my mind, being careful to put it in a kind way - but people don't usually share as much as I do (apparently oversharing is a borderline thing as well - not sure how to look at his one ), and that leaves me, sometimes, asking myself if there's something wrong with me - I guess I still have issues to overcome or peculiarities to love I do love that line in 'Start again' a song by Sam Fender: 'Let’s learn to talk Without the fear of being heard 'Cause everybody’s listening to everything and everybody' I have learned much from other people's experience. I am happy if others can learn from mine
  3. @modmyth Yes, I get that as well. But I will usually not be very productive. I gain energy throughout the day, do some work, then in the evening, when the energy peeks, I will go out dancing - it's like although I have the energy, there is no working mood. That's why I prefer waking up early - I do the work, and later in the day I can unwind anyway I choose, without feeling guilty for it. My body is still adjusting to it, though. I am being understanding and giving it time. I am also trying to figure out the best order in actions: what time to have breakfast, breaks, work etc. Today I woke up at 5:50 am. Worked for and hour and a bit and now I'm having coffee after breakfast. I will go for a run and then back to do some more work. I do paint professionally - I did more decorative painting - I mostly had a side job as well - but now I have one's year budget to allow me to get into full time painting/illustration - more on the inner and outer life exploration this time - I guess I have matured enough for it @Thittato I am not sure about 'lashing out'. Nor an 'identity crisis' - I did tell my friend at one point that my name 'Codrina' is almost non-existent - there is one other person with this name I know of, and has a business that's named after her in the city I went to University, so growing up, I had no model of a human being called Codrina - I was the only one - so I felt unique all my life - my dad used to tell me I'm unique all the time, as well I don't think I am borderline. I have borderline tendencies. I have come to this insight after much introspecting my actions/reactions within my interactions with my friend for the last two months. I believe everything we encounter in life is for our benefit, for our growth. So I asked myself often what is it that I am supposed to learn from this - he was not an ideal partner, with all the addictions and manipulations, he was clear from the beginning that he was using me for sex, and I would still find myself fantasizing about a future together. I had a feeling there was something there so I kept going with it until I had my breakthrough. My borderline tendencies, as I see them are: - a fear of abandonment - I would worry about getting fired within the first couple of months in a new job - I would worry about boyfriends I liked that they don't like me - I chose to have two long relationships with two men I wasn't crazy about (not very pretty and as insecure as me), but whom I learned to love and appreciate - because I perceived them as being lower in the hierarchy I was comfortable they would not leave me - but I ended up leaving them in the end - often changing physical appearance - I had long hair, really short hair, dreadlocks 3 times, I was blond, brunette, red haired, bangs, no bangs, heavy metal, punk, hipster look - it was always my own style, though - I feel throughout my experiences there was always an underlying identity which studied everyone around and took bits and pieces and added to it, while removing what was not serving it anymore - I never felt completely lost, just always morphing .... and I'm not sure that's something bad - isn't that how you grow? - consistency in personality seems more worrisome to me - I stood my ground if I felt like I was right - sometimes despite of everyone around me telling me otherwise - I stood with my truth - unstable relationships - this one applies for my teenage years, when I used to go from boy to boy, from 12 to 17, when I decided to settle with my first 6 year relationship - changing my mind often, like I would have an idea about what I want to do, work on it for a couple of years, then change my mind, come up with something else, studied architecture, gave that up after 4 years, came up with 'FlowerPowerLamps' did that for a few years, then I wanted to live in Spain, worked with that idea for a while, then i thought about studying in Scotland - ended up living in England, then wanted to go live in Spain again and now I'm back in my hometown :))) I wonder where will life take me next - impulsive, self-destructive behavior - that manifests through getting really drunk and sometimes having unprotected sex with strangers - that's my go to when I feel overwhelmed - but I quit drinking, sugar and wheat, so now I find myself eating cake when I feel bad - and it makes my body inflamed and my articulations hurt - I had a year of nothing of this sort, hopefully I'll get back there again - extreme emotional swings- definitely - but I see that more into the bipolar side, because they tend to last for days/weeks/months - not often big spikes throughout the day - chronic feelings of emptiness - I don't feel it often, but when I do, it's intense - explosive anger - again, it's something that used to be present - it doesn't really happen anymore -that scanning for possible partners - isn't that something all people do? Why do people go out? I don't know...I wish for a partner to share this life with - I don't want to suppress that - I tried it and I feel it made it come out in a needy, ugly form - I try to acknowledge this need, understand it and manifest it in a positive way. I added this to my vision board a few weeks back, when I realized it From what I've been studying, borderline is something that most people grow out of with age. I am 32, and have few of these traits left, and definitely not as intense as they used to be. It is not something to worry about. It is interesting that it had been brought to my attention through this encounter with an old friend - I see a twin flame connection between us, but that's not something to talk to him about - he is not into spirituality - he does not have a practice, nor gives much attention to it - it feels our connection is coming to an end, though, at least from my side. I am quite happy for my new found awareness - the highly enhanced senses to the flow of energy - to color, to form (for the last couple of years, on and off, but mostly on, everything just glows like it only used to when I was on weed) - I do my best return to present and not get carried away by my mind's stories, especially if they don't feel good - would love to hear Nahm's view on the borderline expression of humanity Wish you all the best!
  4. 7 am - no painting today. Deep cleaning the house, cooking and washing, reading, therapy, two rounds of running in the woods - the evening one all the way to the top of the cliff. Meditation soon and rest. Tomorrow ' To begin again from the beginning ' someone was saying in ' Waking Life '
  5. 5:10 am. Yes! Painted for a little over an hour. But I decided the painting is done. I spent the rest of the day between food, another hour of sleep at noon, run and walk in the forest, lectures on borderline personality. Meditation now and sleep. This is what I've been working on
  6. Today 8 am. Painted for 4-5 hours. Yesterday 9 am, didn't paint, but recuperated after Saturday evening - I went to my friend for dinner and went to bed at 2 am. I was upset with myself yesterday morning. I woke up in my friend's bed, after an evening of me watching him drink one beer after another, with cigarettes and joints in between, while I was on tea and water - listening to him talk about himself all night (at least he is a very interesting character) I saw myself in the screen at one point laying in on him - it was such a strange image for me - I looked like a predator - not a pretty one - I was not seeing myself like that in my head - I immediately removed myself from the couch and took a seat in an armchair. He got too drunk to love me that night and when I woke up I just got dressed and went home - didn't stay for coffee. So, after this pretty experience, I spent yesterday thinking about my behavior - my predator instincts - I could see this trait in my previous interactions with men - the fact that I haven't been in a relationship for the last two years helped me to ignore this part of me - and I realized how I'm always scanning for possible mates if I'm not in a relationship - and how I get all excited about broken men I researched some more my behavior and came to the conclusion that I have borderline personality tendencies - I guess that's where my co-dependency issues stem from But of course, all is Love and one level down, all is energy. In my last night's meditation - without any intentions (my meditation consists of sitting in half lotus for 40-60 min and observe what's going on within,body,mind) - I realized, at one point, that my awareness is concentrated somewhere in my upper left hemisphere - like way up left, so I focused it down in my right side as well - it was like a body of water - I got it to come down and kinda level between the left and right, but I noticed it has the tendency to climb back up on the left. I realized then, that I look more through my left eye, than my right. All day today I've been paying attention to this, and consciously bringing my awareness into my right side. It is so strange - I think this has something to do with the unbalance on my face and through my body - the right side of my face is lower and bigger - I had this theory at one point, that if you ignore something, that something will get bigger to catch your attention - I was trying to figure out how I'm ignoring my right side - now I know - I wonder what caused this focus in my left hemisphere to begin with - it also makes sense now, that I have blockages on my left side (varicose veins in my left foot, a thing in my left breast) - too much energy can do that. I wonder if my nose is curving to the right because of the huge energy flow on the left, like a river pushing the earth out of it's path. I am excited to see how this new found awareness is going to improve the balance of my mind and body. Now meditation, sleep and 5 am tomorrow
  7. 6 am Painted for 5 hours today 😊
  8. 5:50 Shower (I always start my day with a cold shower), breakfast, coffee I haven't touched a brush yet. I have discovered yesterday that I have co-dependency issues .... FUCK! I am still dealing with it. I was so happy and proud of myself for dealing with my bipolar condition and my addictions for the last two years that I did not see this one coming (I haven't been in a relationship during this time). Having dealt with my friend for this last two months, being torn apart by my desire to get my art going and helping/ loving him just forced me to look deep within and yesterday morning it just hit me - after a lot of introspection written in my journal (I keep other journals as well) I have been asking myself 'What the fuck is going on? Why am I here? Why do I feel compelled to go and be with him?' ever since I realized he was getting in the way of my plans, but I would still spend time with him. I offered him everything he wanted. I knew while I was doing it that he is a narcissistic addict, but somehow I was thinking that loving him fully would snap him out of it :)))) What a fucking joke! I realized that my parents are in this exact dynamic : my father is a narcissist and my mother a co-dependent. I realized a while ago that my father was a narcissist, but didn't see my mother. I kinda started to see she had a 'mask' as well in the last year, but I couldn't put my finger on it. She is always kind and wonderful, ready to help, but her face expression shows contempt and judgement quite often - now I know why. I was so busy not becoming like my father - this grandiose ass, disrespectful of others, arrogant, angry and closed off, that i did not even think that I am becoming like my mother or that is something to watch out for. I always saw my mom as a well adjusted human being. I used to tell people that the reason me and my brother are well at all is because of my mom - I am sure that's true on some level. And now, how am I supposed to deal with this? I have been using my spirituality to bypass this issue. I actually worked hard to develop my compassion, because I found myself at some point very judgmental of others- narcissistic- like my father. Now I am too compassionate? Every time I felt I was working too hard, helping out too much, I would just say to myself : 'I am one with all. I am helping myself' - I guess it's true on some level, but I think, now, it's not the way to go. What a mind fuck.I have to learn what healthy boundaries are and implement them in my life. Especially if I decide to go in a relationship - obviously not with my narcissistic, broken friend - I have to figure out how to deal with him, as well. Interesting times ahead. Can't wait to see how this turns out
  9. Thursday...woke up 5:50. 2 hours and a bit later- still in bed. Monday was amazing. I painted for a total of 4 hours and I am amazed of how much I advanced the painting in that time. I choose to visit my friend later that evening and smoke some weed, talk and listen to music. Ended up spending the time until Wednesday morning with him, having sex and keeping him company while he was drinking his brain away (if I am to be honest) Yesterday in the afternoon I returned home, took the dogs (his and mine) and went for a run in the woods. Then spent the evening relaxing by myself, ended with a 40 min meditation. I was in bed before 10pm I am eager to go on with the 5am routine. It highly increases productivity - I don't know how, but I am capable of painting more in 4 hours of morning than in regular 8. And that leaves me the rest of the day to do whatever I want - relax, learn new skills, deal with mundane stuff I just have to figure out what I need to learn from this new (couple of months new) connection with my old friend (I realize I've known him for almost half my life) and deal with it in a way that won't mess with my 5am habit.
  10. @modmyth I don't think I am. I remember hating getting up at 7am to go to school as a child. As a teenager and student I would sleep in as much as I could and spent late nights. I started a habit of going to bed at 00:30 and waking up at 8:30 for the last two years. It worked and I enjoyed it. I want more now, as the saying goes
  11. 5:30 today, no alarm Saturday was s lot to take in. I am not sure what happened...finding my friend home, the pandemic getting serious in my country as well... what ever happened, I was not happy with how my painting was going - hence the wine and the cookies. I just let it all go. Spend the evening lying on the couch, listening to music - had two visions - one of how to continue with the painting I was working on, the other, a new one I am working on now. I went to bed a little later than 2 am, after a total of three hours crying that night. Woke up on Sunday at 7 am. Eyes swollen, still not in a great place. I decided to spend the day resting. I had a walk, breakfast, laid on the couch , slept some more, had lunch and another walk. Did some reading, went to bed around 8 pm. Woke up 5:30 am. Feeling better. There is still a lot of tension in my legs. I can feel them like I'm standing on the start line, ready to jump up and run. I painted for an hour so far, had breakfast, a walk - I decided to keep all the noise down, so no music, no nothing. I paid close attention while I was eating, relaxing my legs, letting the energy go through them, instead of contracting. I also noticed what a violent act eating is. People are getting ever more anxious. I feel a lot of them don't know what to do with themselves. It won't be easy keeping my balance through this and I feel distractions like music or people talking on YouTube is a big NoNo if I am to keep focused on my work and not be sucked in by the fearful energy floating around. If anyone is reading this, wish you all the best. Take care of your mind and body
  12. Woke up before my alarm chose to lay in bed until 5:30 Had coffee, painted, then left to visit the dogs. My friend was back. I went to the farmer's market and got all sorts of spring goodies. Had a good breakfast, painted some more, went for an hour's run, then cooked lunch, and ended my evening with a bottle of wine and chocolate cookies. All in the honor of my great mind which keeps fucking me over
  13. 5 am Whoo hoo It was really easy to wake up this time I still felt more tired than my 6 am day. I guess my body will take a bit to adjust. I might have pushed too much with work, the dogs, the running this week, as well Today I painted for a total of 5 and a half hours.Tended to the puppies. Had an easy run/ walk in the woods for an hour. The rest of the day I relaxed, a worm bath, a nice evening walk, good food. Meditation now, and rest. I find the energy really powerful this week - like everything is vibrating more intensely - either my sensibility or the energy is growing, or maybe both? I do find it more easy to focus. It's like my busy mind is taking a back seat throughout the day. The thoughts are there, but my body is just going through the motions, not being bothered by whatever goes within the mind
  14. @Thittato Thank you This morning I snoozed until 6am. But got up, had a cold shower and felt really good. Not as tired as yesterday. Fruit and coffee for breakfast, painted for half an hour, went to feed my friend's dogs and let them in the yard. Returned home and painted for another 2 and half hours (and washed some clothes) Had lunch, then got on my scooter to see my doctor. She wasn't in. came back, painted for another hour. Took the dogs and went for a run in the woods - 50 min. Got back home, took my scooter again, went to see my doctor, dropped the papers to my employer, came home, had dinner, then evening walk with the dogs. Fed them and put them to sleep. Today I felt much better. I am confident tomorrow I'll wake up earlier. And once my friend returns, I will be able to extend my creative time between 5-6 hours. Now meditation and sleep
  15. This is my first day waking up at 5 am. I actually had one before, about three weeks ago. since then, I've done some 6 am, 7 am, mostly 8 am. Today was 5:30 am. I am determined to go on with it. I started the day with a cold shower, as usual. Helps to wake up and get moving. had fruit and coffee for breakfast, drew for 2 and a half hours, took my scooter to my friend's house (he's away and I'm feeding and walking his dogs as well) fed the dogs and let them in the yard - did a bit of shopping. Got back home and painted for another 2 and half hours. Then took the dogs and ran in the woods for an hour and a half. Got home and cooked, had lunch/dinner, relaxed for a bit, then went on the evening stroll. I feel overall was a good, productive day. I felt kinda dehydrated since waking up throughout the day and somewhat tired. Maybe just 50 min running....we'll see how tomorrow goes. Now, meditation and sleep. I enjoy the huge amount of time it creates