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About Thittato

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  1. Skipped meditation yesterday, almost skipped it today, but then an opportunity came at work to meditate for somewhere between one and one and a half hour. I was back to what I wrote one week ago: "45 min sit today. Beautiful, deep concentration. Sweet stillness suffusing my whole being." Interesting that it took me a week to get fully back into concentration like that again. But well, lots of other interesting stuff has been going on. Kind of tired to measure success in meditation up against these concentration states, but it is kind of hard to resist because everything feels so complete when the mind goes into them. Also, I'm noticing some complacency again, because in general there is a lot of equanimity going on, and that makes life seem good enough as it is and there is no pressing need to meditate on order to alleviate my suffering. But this is a very important place to keep on going. Also, as written in the previous post, my job is also going very well, so I've never really had this type of stability in my life, both regarding my meditation practice, and regarding my daily life, so this is really excellent conditions to keep on going with my meditation practice, so I better not waste this opportunity just because some simple boredom or restlessness pops up. I should suspect starting to dream about some other kind of life, as that has always been my condition - escaping into day-dreaming about some other type of life - but I think I'm ready to really get these tendencies seen through and continue to really ground myself in presence and in my meditation practice. Inspired by this quote today:
  2. Some reflections about my job going well Been working night-shift tonight. Damn, my job is just going better and better. It is a really crazy job. I work as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital, the emergency department, and I have to deal with people who are in all sorts of crisis, and some of them are even very violent (not unusual) and we have to set boundaries for them, but also show them a lot of warmth and compassion, which can be a difficult balance. Being the nice guy that I am I find it easy to give warmth and compassion, but setting boundaries can be really difficult but even that is getting much better. I'm starting to like my co-workers more and more as well. Seems like many of us work well together as a team. The part about violence is something I've been really terrified about, but somehow I've managed to get through it, but now I'm starting to feel even a sense of accomplishment about navigating safely through that landscape. My job is so crazy I sometimes feels like I'm undergoing some kind of secret agent training, or a marine soldier, or something like that, and when I feel a groove around that it feels pretty fucking awesome. But most of the time I have felt just waaaaay too soft and fragile for this type of job, but I've managed to survive so far, because even though my boundaries can be a bit too weak, I get a lot of respect from my co-workers for managing to get such a solid therapeutic alliance with many of the patients - like I am this soft, fragile, kind, a bit confused, guy, but with lots of empathy and staying-power and humour and a positive attitude about the times when I get stressed and all the wierd shit that happens. Basically I just show up as myself, and I have confidence that it will land in a good place no matter who I'm given the responsibility for. And if it becomes too difficult I can always ask for help. And I've found a way to ask for help so that my more experienced co-workers get energy from helping me because the help is appriciated and received with such a positive attitude. I think most people like to share of their knowledge and skills, especially if it seems like an investment into someone who will make good use of whatever is given. Everybody likes to see someone willing to learn. So yeah, basically I just need to continue to expose myself to this process, because it is finally getting to a place of actually being manageble. I am very currious about what sense of mastery could potentially set in when I can stabilize around an experience of this job actually being fun, meaningful and managble for some more time.
  3. New computer after having been half a year without I'm just skipping meditation today. Just too much going on, and I'm working night-shift, and I need to eat and sleep before going to work. But I did my swim in the ocean after I woke up, and then my dad came by and wanted to give me an old Imac that my stepmom doesn't need, and wow, it is fucking awesome. Feels like my control center in my life is back again. My last laptop crashed half a year ago, so I've been only having smartphone for half a year, which means I've written all this stuff on a smartphone. So awesome to sit in front of a keyboard again and write this stuff. I'm looking forward to watch more inspiring documentaries like the one mentioned above, and also I'm looking forward to take my online Chess to a new level. This is the biggest screen I've ever had as well. I really like to upgrade the level of comforts I have in a my life. With a stable job that I enjoy it is like I'm experiencing a satisfaction with my daily life that I've never before experienced. So much cool stuff that I can do with this stability. Like hanging out with cool people, going to yoga-classes, winter-bathing, meditation, playing Chess at the local pub. My boss even bought my a guitar just recently that I can use when I work with my patients. I'm looking forward to working with the next patient I get who will enjoy mantra singing, or some other type of guitar playing together with me. I'm also starting to like my co-workers much more. Or they seem to like me much more. They are starting to feel safe around me, and they have sort of figured me out by now.
  4. Wim Hoff inspiration 45 min sit today. Been really inspired by Wim Hoff lately, and for the last three days I’ve been having a swim in the ocean. It is approxemately 5 degrees celcius. Prepared myself for this for a week by doing cold baths and sauna in the bath house near by. First time I went into the ocean I was surprised that it was pretty easy to go into it. Obviously exposing oneself for cold water is something one can gradually get used to. Today it was even easier, and today is the first time I did it first thing in the morning before my meditation practice. When I came back to meditate after this there was like an inner fire was being lit inside of me, so that became my focus for the meditation - just letting it burn and fill me up with power and love. I could also notice this this combination of winter bathing and meditation has a really positive impact on my sexual energy - it felt much easier to bring the sexual energy up higher into my heart chakra. Usually it feels like something that is stuck down in my genitals and that is burning for release through ejaculation, but in todays meditation it was much easier to transmute it into a powerful and good kind of burning that I could groove on without seeking release, instead of that frustrated needy kind of burning. I’m not the NoFap kind of guy. I drink alcohol and party and occasionally smoke ciggarettes and sometimes weed, and basically I just do whatever the fuck I want to do, and I believe in just listening and intuition and no hard rules of any kind, and I think meditation will make things balance themselves out by themselves over time, so without adding any rules I’ve now found inspiration to work more with my sexual energy. Winter bathing makes me feel much more sexy and masculine. My self-esteem has increased dramatically these last three days. After todays bath I was standing on the shore in only my shorts in the rain roaring out at the sea doing spontanious yoga poses. It was so fucking awesome. I feel so much gratitude right now. Thank you, dear Universe, for taking me through this cold water initiation these days. This inner fire I feel now is related to that same inner fire I feel when I trip on peyote, and peyote was very instrumental when I did a microdose session with it in this same bath house last spring which triggered this yoga kick I’ve been having and got me deeper into this cold water immersion I do when I go to this bathhouse. So actually I’ve been doing cold water immersion for a while, but going into the ocean these last three days, that was my initiation. Everything before that was just preparation. This is a really inspiring documentary: BECOMING SUPERHUMAN WITH ICE MAN - Wim Hoff
  5. 45 min sit today. Much more landed again today, almost landing in stillness, but not quite. There was some subtle restless activity going preventing the state from becoming really beautiful, even though it was very pleasant. I tried to work with the subtle restless activity, but it was a bit too slippery for me to manage to really pierce through it. I think I’ve heard this phase before described as «slippery mind in equanimity.» There is quite some strong equanimity going on, but still there is some subtle slipperiness going on preventing the mind from becoming really still and beautiful.
  6. 45 min sit today. Much better today, quite some momentum in going into and acknowledging whatever arose of painful feelings, and the energy was flowing and positive. I feel refreshed. However my mind didn’t quite settle down, it almost did, but obviously there was work that needed to be done instead. When it won’t settle down I put it to work instead, working on the various blockages and trying to stimulate the energetic flow in my body.
  7. Another possibility, which I wrote about last cycle of this, and which is related to those other dynamics already mentioned, is that I’m numbing myself to something going on which I don’t want to acknowledge. I could already feel now after this sit that some more honesty was coming into my mind about some situations I was resisting to be honest to myself about. I have two very specific situations that I’ve been dishonest with myself about these last couple of days that now I’m gradually getting some more clearity around. And NOW I feel enthusiastic and empowered about todays meditation 😄 I hate resistance, but I love honesty, especially self-honesty.
  8. 45 min sit today. Interesting how when the meditation was amazing yesterday it is usually not amazing today. Like I cannot get my mind in the right gear. I guess it has something to do with when my memory of my latest meditation has to do with a very pleasant experience happening on a very refined level, it is difficult to down-shit and take genuine interest in what is happening on a coarser level if the mind is feeling more coarse the next day. It probably also has something to do with when my being is very relaxed through deep meditation I cannot control the defense mechanism that are controlling whatever is still stored of traumatic experience in my body, and new layers of something is released into consciousness and I’m put into process and have to work through that stuff before my mind will go into stillness again. So some kind of interplay between these two dynamics, but I hope to find a stronger willingness to work through the coarser levels of mind even when I’m disappointed because I was expecting to just continue my journey into stillness. Been writing about this addiction to meditative states of stillness before. Some kind of shooting myself in the foot dynamic happen because I start to cling on to them when I experience them and when I cannot reproduce them the next day my desperation and also my lack of interest for whatever else is going on instead of them makes me undermine the causes and conditions for them to arise again. But these days these states seem to come and go every other day, so something is defently working here and it is probably just a matter of continuing this daily training and continue to expose and work with all these various cycles going on.
  9. 45 min sit today. Beautiful, deep concentration. Sweet stillness suffusing my whole being.
  10. 45 min sit today. This must be the best meditation-period I’ve ever had. All the drama and desperation around meditation seems gone. Like all that stuff that comes out of suffering deeply and clinging on to meditation as ones only hope for salvation. This is a just stable and good practice I’m having going in a very normal daily life.
  11. 45 min sit today. Strong momentum in going into fear. Feels like this is a muscle I’m exercising daily.
  12. 45 min sit today. Awesomeness is back. I found the reason why my meditation has been distracted for a couple of days. Some emotional pain I have been numbing myself from. Today I could face it head on and *boom* awesomeness was back. When something new comes up it usually takes some time for it to go from confusion to clearity. Good reminder to keep going even when it is unpleasant. Discomfort only means something new is being learned.
  13. 20 min yoga, and then 45 min meditation. Took the whole sit before my mind finally landed, but when it did it felt really good. I’m noticing some distractedness have been coming up for a couple of days now, where as before that I was easily getting into concentration states. Well, that is just how these cycles of various moods, emotions and mind-states are.
  14. 45 min sit this morning. Lots of resistance and distractedness. But I kind of asked for it in a way because I’ve been getting tired of fascination with these concentration-states. Just wanting to feel normal in an ordinary state of being. Fed up with striving for something extra-ordinary.