ivory

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Posts posted by ivory

  1. Posted

    @Akemrelax You are exactly right. Nice observation.

     

    4 hours ago, bliss54 said:

    But how much time do you think we need to spend around people? Do you agree that some people over do it? they spend all their time around people to suppress emotions

    It varies from person to person. Introversion extroversion is a spectrum. We all have different needs. I think most need to focus on spending more time with friends. I suspect very few here spend too much time with friends as a means to avoid stuff. The way I personally manage is that I hang out with friends until I feel full. Then I go back to my cave to recharge.

  4. Posted

    18 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

    You see how that is just an attachment?  Relationships with others be it platonic or romantic are always filled with turmoil.  This is what Buddhism preaches.

    I wouldn't necessarily equate a value to an attachment. And I disagree that all relationships are filled with turmoil. All relationships come with varying challenges. Buddhism does not preach anything about turmoil. But it would say that there is suffering in relationship. All of life has some suffering built into it. You can't escape it.

     

    18 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

    First off, not having any friends does not equate to a mediocre life.  If you have friends who don’t understand you and won’t be there for you, that is the mediocre life.

    Sounds like you have some pretty crappy friends. Not all are that way.

    18 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

    But, loyalty, compassion, empathy, integrity, trustworthiness, respect and understanding are some good and rare qualities in a friend.

    They are more common than you think, but it takes time to build up a stable of friends with those qualities.

  5. Posted

    3 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

    I think there's a lot of parallels between these sentiments, and what a monks (buddha) attitude to the path is. A very masculine path like buddhism advocates celibacy, living in a cave and very rigorous discipline to achieve enlightenment

    Actually, in most (not all) monasteries you will notice that they are highly community oriented. They recognize relationships as valuable resources and essential parts of the human experience. 

    3 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

    And I think a lot of people on here have been hurt by friends or ex friends, just like how the buddha was hurt by an unfulfilled life, and so to combat it, the approach seems to be to not rely on friends for a source of happiness. Its conditional so therefore don't fixate on it

    People do it for a number of reasons. I've noticed a few common traps, some of which I fell victim to. Some avoid the challenges a relationship brings. Others pretend to renounce relationships as a means of denying their inability to connect with others. Others are simply reckless and neglect relationships because they believe they're a distraction from enlightenment. All of them have sever mental health consequences.

    4 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

    And as I've started hanging out with people more, there really is value in getting intimate with people. It really fills up that emptiness. 

    Good for you. Glad to hear that you're coming around.

  6. Posted

    3 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

    That is far more valuable than most friendships today that are extremely surface level and usually people who just get together, get fucked up and talk about bullshit.  

    Authentic friendships are much more healthy and fulfilling. And they aren't as elusive as you might think. I admit, they are difficult to find if you are young or live in a conservative or crime-ridden area.

    3 minutes ago, Thestarguitarist14 said:

    When I do actually meet someone that I would desire a friendship with (rare), now it’s just icing on the cake.  

    Just out of curiosity, what kind of qualities might that rare friend have? And why live a mediocre life when you can have one that's more fulfilling?

  7. Posted

    @Eph75 I get what you are saying but I think interpret the word "need" a bit differently. I equate needs to things necessary for survival and a basic level of mental health. If you cut out the mental health part of the equation, I might agree with you. We have very few needs, but man, life can really suck when you're dealing with depression, anxiety, and confusion.

     

    @Preety_India I get your point, and I agree. Neediness is an unhealthy dynamic.

  12. Posted

    @preventingdiabetes There are tools out there to help you identify your core values. A good one will probe you for 10 potential values and help you narrow them down to three or so. Do a google search for something like "CBT core value discovery". Your core values look ok, but I believe you can clarify them even further. It's also possible that your values will change as you mature and grow or face new challenges. Mine are: Courage, action, and life-long learning

  13. Posted

    I see a lot of people on this forum who seem to believe that the need for friends is transcended once you achieve a certain level of consciousness. Those same people complain of meaninglessness and varying degrees of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and other maladies. Many here are less happy than the average person believing that they are somehow becoming more and more conscious. How does that make any sense? The idea that you will transcend the need for friends is a common misconception in spiritual circles. And I think it's time that someone shed light on the bullshit.

    Beware of the man who has no friends. Beware of the man who says you don't need any.

    Look, if you don't have friends, you have a problem. It's pretty common for people on the spiritual path to check out and give up social interactions all together thinking they are pursuing a path of personal growth. All you are doing is being reckless. For fuck's sake, take care of your lives. We have needs, and one of them happens to be relationship. Furthermore, the most growth you will encounter will be in some form of relationship. Just ask yourself, what are your biggest fears? I am willing to bet, it has something to do with another. Rejection, abandonment, criticism, vulnerability, conflict, etc. Stop avoiding the areas in which you need to grow.

    Friends are good for many reasons. They serve as playmates, friends, lovers, sources of new information and opportunity, and. In other words, the improve the quality of life, and some may even say they make life worth living. I happen to agree. If you want to be unhappy or struggle with mental health issues, not having friends is a great way to accomplish that: DANGER and DEMENTIA.

    I hear this all the time, "I have lost interest in other people because they don't care about self-actualization and non-duality". Guess what, part of self-actualizing is learning to be content with what you got. That's part of maturing. Accept and adapt bitches. It is possible to be spiritually mature and connect with less conscious people... within reason. In fact, if you were really mature, you'd be proficient interacting with the plebs.

    Now, there are three categories of friends: Non-salvageable, salvageable, and ideal.

    Non-salvageable friends are those that mistreat you, belittle you, violate your trust, and make you feel shitty about yourself most of the time. Get rid of them as quick as possible.

    Salvable friends are those you don't necessarily jive with but that aren't bad to have around. You may have known them since high school or for a long period of time but seem to be drifting apart for various reasons. Perhaps they're into religion, money, sex, validation, fame, or have other low-consciousness interests. They're not bad people, but they aren't helping us get to where we are headed. If you do not have an ideal set of friends yet then it's a good idea to keep these ones around until you do. Don't burn bridges simply because you think you are evolved.

    Ideal friends are those you deem healthy, interesting, admirable, nurturing, or some combination thereof. I want to make it clear that you will rarely find folks who's lives revolve around self-development or non-duality. You are going to have to lower the bar a little. What you are looking for is friends who take interest in: psychology, philosophy, yoga, art, traveling, exploring, meditation, social justice, health, politics, nature, reading, documentaries, podcasts. These are the friends who will nurture you, help you grow, and lead to fulfillment. If your social circle does not look like this, then you need to get out there and make some new friends. Trust me, it's worth it.

     

  14. Posted

    @electroBeam I read some of your posts and sorta suspected that. You seem to be in a nihilistic headspace which I can totally relate to. There are a lot of people on this forum who think spiritual people are above friends, but that's not the case. People need people man, it's not healthy to isolate. The most growth you will experience on the path is in relationship. Friends make life worth living. I learned that the hard way.

  16. Posted

    @ColeMC01 I used to think that I could be happy with a girl who I perceived as average as long as she was sweet and fairly cute. And, that's what I got in my last relationship. After a while I got really bored in the relationship. Sweet was not enough and she put on weight so I was no longer attracted to her. I learned a lot in that relationship. I think it's good to experiment to get clear on what you require in a relationship. But those requirements should be realistic, not some imaginary ideal. To answer your question, can you be satisfied with an average girl? That depends. If you are actualizing, absolutely not. You will leave her in the dust. My current theory is that we need to find someone who is on a similar place on the life journey, has similar values, and is physically attractive on a subjective level. Does that make her average? I dunno. Do you consider yourself average? Find a girl who you consider to have equal value as yourself and who is committed to growing.

  21. Posted

    @ColeMC01 Ah, ok. No worries.

    45 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

    My question is , how do you grow and develop yourself emotionally so it can catch up with my intellectual and mental development

    I thought I might address this, though. The truth is, you have very little control over your own emotional growth. You grow emotionally by not running away from challenges and allowing yourself to feel emotions fully. If you are willing to face whatever challenges that life throws at you, you will grow, it's as simple as that, sorta. As humans, we have a tendency to avoid emotions because we think they are bad, or we don't like feeling them. We do this unconsciously. Our job is to become aware of how we avoid emotion and open up.

     

    Have you ever heard of the presence process? It's a 10 week program that teaches you the tools to maximize your emotional growth. Highly recommended. You can find it here: Presence Process

  22. Posted

    @Chives99 I enjoyed reading your posts. You seem like a great guy.

     

    A lot of people on this forum will tell you that you should be happy alone, or that you that you are spiritually immature for wanting to be in a relationship. And, that is complete bullshit. If you have never been in a relationship then, of course, you are going to want one. And for good reason, they are awesome. I do agree, however, that you should be relatively happy and content on your own. If you require a relationship to be happy, you are in deep doo doo in this life.

     

    That said, it sounds like you are on the right track. I don't completely understand you challenges but you are inquisitive and moving forward despite your limitations so good for you. I wanted to share something with you, it is a book that I hold dear to my heart. I have a lot of experience with women and I can tell you that this book is a true gem: Models by Mark Manson. I don't doubt that you need to work on basic social skills, but this book will at least help you understand attraction and increase your chances of finding the right woman. Good luck sir.

  23. Posted

    @ColeMC01 It sounds to me like you are the type of person that's easily triggered. If so, that's not going to go away. Your reactions might lessen in intensity, but an emotionally mature version of yourself will accept that you are easily angered. An emotionally mature version of yourself would also exhibit restraint rather than lashing out at others. Your "problem" is that you believe what you are feeling isn't okay. Dude, you have no control. What exactly do you think you can do?

  25. Posted

    13 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

    i still feel a negative emotion that i know i should not feel

    Okay, here's the deal. Anyone that tells you that you will completely transcend emotion is full of shit. It's a common misconception in spiritual circles, and it's one that pisses me off dearly. I wrote about this just yesterday here: 

    TLDR; You will always experience some level of emotion. Some clear up, some lessen, some will cease to bother you.

     

    I love this quote by Jack Kornfield because it's calling out the BS misconceptions about spiritual life: 

    If you can sit quietly after difficult news; if, in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm; if you can see your neighbours travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy; if you could happily eat whatever is put on your plate; if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill; if you can always find contentment just where you are: you are probably a dog.