Thittato

45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation today. Today is the first time after this cold I get this energized mind that I often get from meditation where I feel recharged, creative and enthuasiastic about life. It is amazing the energy flow that meditation can stimulate. But damn - the temporary depressions that comes from having a cold, they can be pretty heavy. But I find it nice to just surrender into staying in bed mode when having a cold.

Cycling The same thing happens over and over again, and that is that I get into some kind of creative project for a short time, and then totally loose the energy I had on it. I have this phenomena in my life of cycling through various interests. Cycling is defined at dictionary.com as this: a round of years or a recurring period of time, especially one in which certain events or phenomena repeat themselves in the same order and at the same intervals. a sequence of changing states that, upon completion, produces a final state identical to the original one. one of a succession of periodically recurring events. a complete alteration in which a phenomenon attains a maximum and minimum value, returning to a final value equal to the original one. So I started one journal here about my explorations of music, and another one about naturalistic drawing, but now I'm just going to commit to see this all in the light of meditaton, as that is arguably my most important interest. It feels like I have these various sub-personalities that I alternate between, or that somehow if we compare this to computers, I alternate between various software / operating systems. One day I consider myself a musician, and everything is seen through the lens of how a musician would view his role and path in the world, another day I'm an aspiring visual artist and my whole value system revolves around that. And various other things. From a meditative point of view I think I would just view all this as loosing myself in identifications or mental thoughts, as they are just mind, and not really presence. So I think I just have to re-affirm my commitment to meditation and the cultivation of presence and acceptance of where I am right now in my life, in stead of continuing to buy into fantasies like this. Nothing wrong with pursuing any of these activities mentioned, and I probably will continue with them just as before, but in order to not loose myself in the mental fantasies about them the part about re-affirming my commitment to meditation is now made. Whenever I think something is my purpose and get really worked up about it, I always re-gain a moment of clarity when I sit down to meditate and re-discover that my deepest purpose in life is to keep my spiritual practice going. Meditated for 45 min this morning, and the freshness it gives me is really what I need these days. Everything feels so right when I feel this freshness :-) Meditation is really a project of re-generating my own energy from the inside. I'm looking very much forward to write down my thoughts on the meditative process here.

45 min meditation today. No meditation friday and saturday. I've been having a pretty bad cold, so I've been in bed for the most part. Interesting what a depressive outlook on life a cold gives me. It is first now that my mind starts to feel a little energized and inspired again. Seems like usually after I've had a cold there is an afterglow when getting well again. Like the mind gets a bit of an extra boost from the down-time.

45 min meditation yesterday and today. Very nice

45 min meditation today as well. No meditation yesterday. Good momentum again today. Lots of gratitude.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice. A bit more distracted today, but also a momentum of power and gratitude going parallell with distractedness.

45 min meditation today as well. Today there was more process again. Feelings of grief and vulnerability. But it was really nice to sit with it. There was a sense of peace in surrendering into it.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice. The momenum is getting much stronger now, to the point where I'm starting to go into deeper concentration states where qualities like peace, expansion, contentment, brightness, well-being, unified focus, flow, etc, starts to dominate.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice and grounded meditation.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice flow in my meditation these days.

45 min meditation today as well. The momentum is building, and it is very nice. It is very clear that a lot of stuff has been released from my system during these 3 months in the ashram in Brazil. I've been somewhat distracted by the relationship-issues I've experienced with my girlfriend, and she was part of this whole experience, so it is kind of difficult to sort out what is what, but it seems like our relationship is moving towards its end, and I feel fine about just surrendering into that. I think we are both landing on some realisations that we are inherently incompatible as long-term partners, so I hope we can just round this off gradually and cherish it for what it was. So with this acceptence in mind, and my mind sort of clearing up from these involvements in another person, it seems like my meditation has benefited greatly from these 3 months in the ashram. So I hope I can just ride out whatever residual karma that I still have with her as smoothly as possible.

45 min meditation yesterday, and 1 hour today. Pretty amazing.

45 min meditation today as well. Really sweet.

1 hour meditation today. I came home from work pretty tired and was afraid I would fall asleep this meditation, but instead I got energized. Very nice.

45 min meditation today as well. Really sweet. There wasn't much to process today, so I could go deeper into concentration and calm.

45 min meditation today as well. Super-nice :-) Feels like I'm starting to land a bit more from my travels in Brazil. Not sure what is going to happen with my girlfriend. Feels like we are close to breaking up. Also feels like I'm open to all possibilities and I just want to ride it out and see where it lands without trying to control the process. To me it feels like it is good that whatever co-dependence we have been going into gets some space so that we perhaps can clear out some of the tensions we have been collecting, and somehow enter a new phase in our relationship. It is good to seperate us so that can we feel more into what sort of perhaps unhealthy patterns of clinging and attachment has been gluing us together. It felt like we both temporarily lost track of our missions in life, and maybe now we can learn to both be with each other and at the same time staying focused on our seperate missions. But I have my doubts that she will manage. I'm feeling that she is getting very insecure and frustrated because of this. Or maybe I'm just projecting my own frustrations and insecurities over at her? At the very least there is a very strange energy between us these days, and as I said it feels like we are close to breaking up. But at the same time I feel very happy about being much more focused on my own projects again. So I think my old tendency of losing myself into someone else is not as strong as it used to be. In many ways it is a relief to get some space away from her to return back to myself again.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-)

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice.

45 min meditation today. Super-nice. My meditation practice is not very consistent these days, but it is really valuable when I actually do it.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-)

45 min meditation today as well. Really nice <3

45 min meditation today. Super-nice. Awesome. So I'm back home in my country in Northern Europe again. To summerize: I just spent 3 months in an ashram in Brazil where I met a woman who became my girlfriend. After I returned home after 1 week she came and visited me for 3 weeks, and the day she was scheduled to return to Brazil I managed to fly back together with her for 12 days. And yesterday I came back home again. We managed to end on a really good note. She drove me to the airplane and we had a really good time together before I left, but we made noe specific plans about meeting again, although we have all sorts of loose ideas about where our future could potentially go. I think that we both think that this relationship has been pretty intense, and that now it is time to give it some space before we decide on what to do next. For the most part we have a really good time together. This woman is really fun and interesting, and we both laugh a lot together and we also have a lot of really interesting intellectual conversations, and it is really fun to travel together with her and explore new places and having a tourist-experience together. This time that I went with her to Brazil we drove to Rio de Janeiro and spent 5 days together there. That was a big chapter in itself. Oh my god what an interesting and crazy experience. But anyways, under all this fun that we have together there are some tensions that doesn't go away, that sometimes leads to some triggering episodes between us. And I don't really see that we have made much progress in learning how to deal with these episodes. So now that I'm back home again I have the space to reflect and meditate on these triggers to see if I can understand our situation better. Maybe this was only meant to be a short-term relationship and that we had a really good time together for these months. I think for me to feel the motivation to continue this relationship I will have to find some more meaning in it now in terms of seeing some real growth between us in how we handle these triggers. But whatever this experience was meant to be, short-term or long-term, right now I feel really good about, and I'm sure there is a lot of really good lessons to derive from it, and now I have the space for that.

45 min meditation today. It was awesome <3

45 min meditation today. My girlfriend has been here for 2 weeks now and it is really nice, but I find it hard to keep my meditation and guitar-practice going while she is here. Fortunately she is interested in ice-bathing, so we have done some ice-bathing, sauna and cold-baths together, both outdoors and in the local spa, and that is sort of my meditation practice these days. This weekend I'm working night-shift the whole weekend, so she decided to do some tourist-explorations on her own, and went to the capital of my country for the weekend. And oh my gosh, it was so nice with some alone-time now, and some time to meditate. But I'm also really proud of her that she is this independent. She is also into music, so we does some playing together, and that is really nice, but all this doesn't really compensate for how my meditation and guitar-practice suffers when I'm with her. It is totally my own responsibility, but it is just really hard to choose discipline when she is so fun to be around. But I'm trusting that this will balance itself out over time, and relationship-practice, and being aware of the potential triggers that are arrising in our interactions, is a really good practice for me right now I think, and fortunately it seems like we are both two pretty stable persons, so the tensions in our relationship doesn't lead to too much drama, like it used to be with my ex-girlfriend when we were both unstable. Anyways, my girlfriend will return home to Brazil friday in one week, and my job-schedule made it possible for me to join her in travelling to Brazil for 12 days, so that will be super-nice. We are even on the same airplane.

45 min meditation today. Very nice <3