Last year I spent a month alone, meditating. Around week 2, I came up against a huge wall of dissatisfaction, impatience, and rage.
This whole path seemed to lose all meaning and it seemed like there was no difference between continuing vs just living like a degenerate.
Theoretically, I could explain to myself that this was a huge ego backlash but practically, I realized how much of our understanding hinges on feelings to support that conviction. All that was zapped so logic didn’t help. It was really tough.
Then I decided to stop fighting with it and fully allow those emotions, anger, dissatisfaction, etc. to be experienced interally and expressed through screaming, etc.
This is when my energy and vigor came back.
Once I dropped resisting, and started to grok what it means to actually do nothing ‘just being an open space for internal experiences to arise’ something surprising happend: fully being in touch with sadness, rage, fear, loneliness felt amazing! I cherished them equally or almost even more than joy or love. It was like: ‘OMG I no longer have to push this away’. It’s just beautiful, alive energy! It cannot harm. What harms is the resistance to it.
For the first time in years I felt fulfilled. I realized that emotional fulfillment is only possible when all is allowed and felt.
WEEK 4
I started noticing micro tensions all over my body, old traumas surfacing and releasing. Towards the end of the retreat there was so much clarity and insight that I couldn’t keep up taking notes. It was like fireworks of energy erupting out of deeply helt pains in the body, releasing through my heart and spine. Every time I surrendered to simply doing nothing about my discomfort, I came out clearer, freer, and MORE ALIVE.
This vitality and power peaked to a point where I was laughing about how easy the retreat had become. It felt like easy mode and I secretly knew that retreating wasn’t necessary if you know how to feel pain. It’s only our resistance to the triggers of daily life that clarity and energy close down. If we can process pain, we stay open. In fact, we will become even more open and energetic as we learn to not only hold space for ourselves but others.
Some of the essential insights:
We merely pretend to be limited. Nothing is enforced upon us, no disease, no suffering, etc. Everything is voluntary, on a deep level. Without exception. It's impossible for God to truly limit itself, so God can only pretend and voluntarily act as though he isn’t Himself. And that's actually the only way God could have fooled himself into a first-person POV dream. We are consciously or unconsciously upholding our limitations through resistance. And there’s only one thing we essentially resist: pain. The more we drop resistance to pain, the more we remember how we created our entire life as God. Below every thought & tension there is an emotion. Below every emotion there is a pain. Thoughts, tension, and emotions are resistance to pain. Pain liberates energy and opens up clarity. Pain is the motivating factor behind everything we do. Samskaras (deep stored traumas) feel like there’s “no space left.” No watcher consciousness. You just get thrown back into the fire. Life never gives you more than you can handle, but it will bring you right up to the edge and it will be your choice to be with that or refuse/resist/decline the challenge. Full liberation isn’t escaping into endless retreats. It’s being aware of your resistance to pain in every moment so that you can be free, at peace, and in love in the midst of your daily life. This is the challenge. This is the real work. Not just awakening, but integration. If you’d like to hear more, I recorded a video about my experience:
AFTER THE RETREAT
All that being said, I had a lot of resistance to leaving the retreat because I strongly felt that it was TOO SHORT & incomplete. I could see the insights slipping through my fingers and clarity slowly diminishing. I thought that it would have taken another 2-3 months of dissolving the micro tensions/traumas throughout my body IN SECLUSION to ‘get over the hill’ so it'd be much easier to stay in touch with ground truth and remain in that silent stillness.
This, however, was a great challange to surrendering to where life was carrying me. And it turned out that only because I left the retreat, I met a guide who helped me recognize things that would have taken years to realize - or never.
TECHNIQUE & SCHEDULE:
There was no schedule. I mostly did nothing (with a bit of emphasiz on opening ever more deeply to feeling) as it’s very easy to not actually do nothing but subconsciously suppress emotions.
For the first half, I also did a bit of work and then gradually transitioned into silence. This was extremely powerful as it helped me face a lot of the ‘inbetween phase’ between our normal state and deep meditation. Usually, meditation retreats dive straight in, minimizing the agony to just a few days. For me however, it was stretched out, I lingered in it and worked with it for 1-2 weeks until I got so comfortable with it, that it gave me unshakable confidence to be with difficult emotions.
I only did mahasi vipassana noting, breathing, yoga, etc., sometimes/rarely to help settle into meditation if I was restless. Otherwise, I kept on returning to doing nothing and just feeling.
I think the retreat became so effortless to be on retreat towards the end because the underlying root cause of distraction and discomfort was addressed: pain.
Most other techniques utilize the mind to effort. This is unsustainable for many as it is fuled by willpower and ones own vital energy. Whereas when we ‘do nothing’ we can focus all of our energy on simply doing nothing while being aware of what emotions/pains we feel, without doing/focussing/efforting, etc. This awareness of emotions and pain liberates incredible amounts of energy so it becomes extremely easy to sustain.

Hey Guys,
 
Ive been off the forum for a while as I needed a break from this community and I also decided to go balls deep into spiritual practices without distraction from my phone or online. It was so refreshing to be off YouTube, forums, messaging, social, news and even books. Just nature and spiritual practices. So much presence and peace arose. For context Im 29 and live in Mexico (retired) in a village that is quite possibly one of the happiest and most awakened places on earth. Words can’t even describe the magic that occurs here on a regular basis, it’s a vortex and transforms the soul on a deep level if you surrender to it. I’ve been beyond blessed to live in a village with a spiritual community that values meditation, authenticity, conscious living, connection, and freedom. When I was doing this alone it was fine but seeing reflections of myself as God that also understand and reflect it back is beautiful in a way that I couldn’t touch while lone wolfing it. We are gifted to have an enlightened being lead the community and no it’s not a cult and he’s not our guru or anything, it’s heaven on earth and everyone is free to live how they want. I’m amazed to be surrounded by such a high vibrational field. 
 
The past 3 months have been like this more or less
-10 Day silent retreat, led by an enlightened master
- 3 week yoga intensive (8 hours of hatha yoga a day and kundalini yoga)
-10 day silent retreat, led by enlightened master
-10 day silent nature immersion by myself with a mushroom journey
-7 days of Tantric sexual relationship 
- another 3 week yoga course but at a higher level (currently in) 
 
Insights
 
-Awakening to everyone and everything as God, myself, pure reflection
-I am God imagining reality
-I AM, no matter what is going on, I AM is an undeniable fact and it is unshakeable, utter stillness  I AM
-Awakening to the fact that I am in Gods dream and everyone (me) is sleepwalking. God is peacefully dreaming. 
-The transparency and light of my own body, the illusory nature of perception and my own physical body. Realizing it as pure light, not material 
-The depth of void that is experiencing everything. The truth of emptiness behind it all.
-Infinity, reality is infinity. This reallly hit me while I was staring at a plant
- The thing I call “I” is a total program and I have been socially brainwashed by culture. Dropping all programs and “personal” opinions I have been programmed with. Realizing how deep programming goes and that I even programmed my own self and ego unconsciously 
- realizing that I created reality since no one actually came into my mind and connected a tree with the concept of language and the word “tree”  I did it myself and I did that with everything. Thus, I’m creating my reality because I can only have my experience. 
 
- The beauty of the feminine and the importance of true love making. I made love to a woman I met after the silent retreat and it made the sex I was having before look like trash. I don’t want to do pick up anymore and will only make love with women who are awake and conscious and realize they are Godesses 
-The power of my own sexual energy and semen retention. This allow if channeled properly can lead to enlightenment. Not giving away my sexuality for a woman just because she is hot, valuing my sexuality as a man.  Realizing I have reached a level of attraction I’ve never experienced, every beautiful and spiritual woman here is attracted to me and I have made love to most of them
-Reality is completely made out of distinctions that I have imagined for survival needs, in truth reality is Nothing and just pure white light.
-Authenticity, nothing else matters. All these silly Owen Cook and Social dynamic videos and courses can be dropped if you just understand that if you are calm, authentic, comfortable in your skin, and kind to others people will love you. And they will love you for who you are not because you know some stupid social tricks and can manipulate really well, that shit is exhausting anyway. Just connect with them and be real they can feel that on a subconscious level 
-The deep realization of how unconscious and stupid most of society is and how everyone is constantly programming themselves with the same stories through ads, social media, music, tv, etc and that most will never truly break free from it. The main pillars of society being “Victim” and “Perfectionism”. If you can break free from society and it’s programming you will be happy 
-realizing that it doesn’t matter what I do with my life, I’m already dying and there is nothing to prove to anyone. It will all be over soon so I might as well live in nature and build what I want. Chasing money and success is totally irrelevant. The only thing that matters is presence consciousness and love and connection. Everything society told me to chase is hollow and soul draining. 
-The importance of the moment, it’s happening for itself and by itself and since we are infinite, the present moment is all there is, so let it manifest as itself and for itself and enjoy. It’s always going to be that way
-Becoming a God within my human body, dissolving into the royalty that is God consciousness and allowing it to flow through the body. 
 
-Being kind to others. Not because I have to or there is some moral need, but because being an asshole actually conflicts with my integrity and makes me feel a lower vibration. 
- seeing others as childlike (in a positive way) with that innocence and in a way we are all children of God and brothers and sisters just on our own paths and figuring it out
- living with integrity and honesty, no matter what or how painful the conversations have to be. Being someone who inspires people and makes them feel safe. 
 
There were more insights but I don’t have the words to even put them here. I feel very proud of myself for reaching these truths while totally sober just doing meditation, yoga, being in nature and staying away from the internet and distractions. I actually did mushrooms one day and all it showed me was that i didn’t need psychedelics at all. Life is the psychedelic journey, just a bit more “sturdy” you could say. But I was high on shrooms and just realized “this is silly, I feel more conscious when I’m sober”. So, hard work and courage pay off, and this is my baseline now, it’s not going to wear off it’s only going to go deeper because I’m never going to give up. I think psychedelics can show you deep awakenings, but what do they really do for your character and baseline consciousness? I think they are powerful tools to awaken, but then you have to be able to  get there sober, at best they are doors and motivators, but I’m beginning to feel that psychedelics as a legit spiritual path is not valid.
 
Doing spirituality the “slow” way or walking up the mountain versus taking the helicopter builds you into a fucking badass, you learn deep values, build character, focus, discipline, integrity and understand nuances that psychedelics skip. Would you rather have a 2 minute blowjob from 1000 women or make love slowly for hours and days with your Goddess? Getting to know every inch of her body and hearing all the moans…
 
The enlightened master who lives here is one of the most humble and selfless people on the planet. His whole life is dedicated to helping others awaken safely and with support. But there’s no way he’s awake, right guys?  
 
Anyway, hope this helps a few of you, we got this (fist bump). Never give up, listen to your intuition, and follow your heart
 

*note, not a native English speaker.
It's consciousness. I'am this thing called god. I'am the one. I'am conscious of myself. I always was myself, but believed to be someone else.
Rolling back to yesterday.
Sat around the house, ordered pizza to eat with my wife, the evening was kind of a mini celebration that she got a new job. Also we vaped weed as well, we kinda randomly stumble on some serious mystical experiences while we're high and my wife loves them. Anyway we talked something deep about our relationship, we kinda opened our hearts out to tell the deepest of truths that we hold on to each other. Then a bit later on we kinda changed topics and went spiritual, started asking questions. I can't remember how it actually happened, but somehow randomly I just stumbled on the question like "How am I, I?" "How is my wife, herself?" And then I was like "wait a minute, can it be true that I'am my wife, hmmm, how can I be myself? Why? Maybe I'am just consciousness perceiving everything from this body who is able observe and thinking that I'am something else?" And then it clicked. I consciously understood that I'am everything. I'am me, I'am my wife, I'am also my mom" and I'am also you who is reading this post! Then I said that to my wife! And her jaw dropped when she heard about it. In her mind it also clicked. We were so excited of this insight. Then I like looked at her and felt like I'm looking at myself looking at myself. Then we thought about everything that could pop in our heads. And the boundaries and our projection of good and bad were melted away in an instant, everything seemed good. I thought that we need to test this out. Then the theme of rape rose up. I asked her how do you see rape now, and my wife actually thought that you could seriously enjoy some rape. Nothing bad about it. Like our notion of BAD has vanished, everything that we considered good, bad or we saw fear on something just POOF, as it never even existed. Everything seemed perfect! It's just the way it's supposed to be. Also death is good. You cannot die. You will always be.
Interesting thing I felt in myself particularly that moment of the conscious understanding was that I felt a separation inside of me. It was as if a fake me and the real me was split in half and I could feel them inside of me. Inside I felt two sides, on the left the "god, consciousness, everything" me and on the right the "ego, self creation" me. And the ego felt like it was gone. He was never even there. I was shocked to found out that my whole life I wasn't who I always thought to be. I clearly found out my true self! I'am consciousness. There was no me in the first place. I'am everything. I'am everyone of you reading this post right now, but the ego separates us, you see yourself as a separate being which is false and therefore an illusion.
Also I thought about how people are worshiping god praying to it, seeing it as a higher being than himself. The understanding can't happen if you see yourself as something else than god itself. You will never find it from the ego mind, you create it and fall into the trap believing that you are lower than "him". The notion of an external entity is false.
I still can't answer the question why there is something rather than nothing, I tried, but the answer was that this is nothing, just total nothingness, but I think that this didn't answer my question really. I couldn't understand the answer so I thought I need more time to found it out. But the one thing that is clear for me right now is that I found my TRUE self as everything. I feel compassion to everyone, seeing everyone as myself, just behind this ego smog. And I think I will never try to convince people the truth, because they won't understand it. I will just enjoy this state as much as I can. I still think I will go back to my old ego self (hope not, or not so fast). I kinda feel it creeping a bit on me. I had dreams that I was fighting with with my wife. So the ego is resisting as usual. Hopping for the best.