Boyfriend being too cheap

[Girzo]

@Sincerity You Polish? Always have thought of you as American, don't know why. My best friend is so hella cheap, it took him 4 years to scrape a wall rug with big stain and the coffers (kasetony) from the ceiling and then repaint it all after moving into a PRL-furnished flat. Always wondered how that doesn't bother his girlfriend, turns out they are both hell cheap IT guys.

[eos_nyxia]

6 hours ago, Sincerity said:

From what Barbella said, the situation was that he kept the better chocolate for himself and only let her have the cheaper one

Among the many details and subtexts that I picked up on, I think this one here is the real kicker. I'm childfree, but everything about this on a gut level screams do not DO NOT have children with this person. There is no reason to assume that someone like this would treat his kids any better than his gf. Be prepared to pick up in a very unequal for everything, including in non-monetary ways.

What evidence is there that he's particularly generous with the quality of his time, attention, and affection in other ways? Every little thing that he does for you seems like a big deal, like "tit for tat", and if you treat your relationships transactionally, a transactional quality relationship is what you're gonna get. You reap what you sow.

Either that, or you'll get a woman who is either very inexperienced or has low self-esteem for whatever reason. Unfortunately, I suspect that a lot of people are counting on this, that you'll just take whatever you can get, which is whatever you think you deserve.

 

Edited January 6 by eos_nyxia
EDIT: not during the courtship phase of the relationship, missed that detail.

[eos_nyxia]

So there's a few other details:

1) being happy enough to scrum off you when it comes to going to more expensive places and for various expenses, even though he was making money and you were a student. If he was just against consumption and money wastage in general, he wouldn't be pro-taking your money when you could just save it and both not go out. He would be thinking of "us" or "you" and not just "him".

Splitting 50/50 is just a reasonable starting point for modern dating. It might not even be his preference. Maybe he'd just prefer that you pay for everything.

On 2024-01-03 at 3:30 AM, Barbella said:

We rarely ever go out as we're both introverts and prefer to have dates at home, but I can still see his cheapness in some situations. For example when I was at his house, I saw he has some chocolate and I asked him if I can have it, and he told me no because it's too expensive and that I can have cheaper one. I was honestly so hurt by that. (chocolate is like 4$)

This isn't cute.

Say that I don't have much money for gifts myself. Why would I be generous in other ways, like making homecooked meals from scratch, learning anything and everything about a person's preferences and desires and interests (including with physical affection and sexual touch) just to be treated in this way.

(Only exception I can think of is that you have some sort of explicitly agreed upon mutual cheapness of time/ energy/ money, or some sort of casual/part-time relationship.)

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and that he hasn't got me anything in a while except those pancakes one time (he thinks he did a nice thing and he sees no problem with sharing one dessert)

This is a good example of a "tit-for-tat" mentality.
 

Edited January 6 by eos_nyxia

[eos_nyxia]

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Or we rarely go to the cinema (like twice a year) and when we decided to go one time he told me ''I'll buy us some snacks at the supermarket and you get the tickets''.

Personally, I think this is acceptable as "thriftiness" rather than "cheapness" (the latter being a generosity issue). I grew up with thrifty parents, and it's something I'm more likely to suggest rather than my husband, lol. Not a big deal.

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I'd say this behavior is mostly seen when it comes to giving and money, however sometimes I also wish he acted more like a gentleman in other situations. For example he criticizes me that I don't know how to carry my skis (he wouldn't think of helping me), or one time we were at the gym together and I was putting some heavy weights on a barbell, and he asked me if I needed help and I said no, and one guy heard our conversation and came up to me and helped me without saying anything. 

Here is another issue.

1. If he's not going to help you, is he at least going to explain how to do something "properly" in a non-condescending way? (Probably not, if he was going out of your way to criticize you for something which I assume has no real net-negative.) So then... he's just a critical person because he is. Is this good enough for you?
2. Clearly, you can see that all dudes are this non-generous. Even if it's just helping some random woman with no likely direct benefit. Hell, I open the door for random people all the time. Men, elders, children, etc.

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I don't know what to do as I really love him and think he's a great guy, but when I think of a future with him it scares me. 

Just curious, what are his best points, from your perspective?

Edited January 6 by eos_nyxia

[Sincerity]

12 hours ago, Girzo said:

@Sincerity You Polish?

Yup 

12 hours ago, Girzo said:

My best friend is so hella cheap, it took him 4 years to scrape a wall rug with big stain and the coffers (kasetony) from the ceiling and then repaint it all after moving into a PRL-furnished flat. Always wondered how that doesn't bother his girlfriend, turns out they are both hell cheap IT guys.

Hahahaha 

My parents will always go on bragging about how cheap they bought some shoes or pants from a thrift shop, and always mention how nonsensical it is to buy things from company stores. They have these rules for themselves that they won't spend more than 100zł (~$25) on pants for example. Both have a fair share of trauma around money (even though they're not poor of course) and I know I have some too.

[Sincerity]

11 hours ago, eos_nyxia said:

Personally, I think this is acceptable as "thriftiness" rather than "cheapness" (the latter being a generosity issue). I grew up with thrifty parents, and it's something I'm more likely to suggest rather than my husband, lol. Not a big deal.

Interesting distinction! I'd say thriftiness would be a subset of cheapness.

[AndylizedAAY]

On 05/01/2024 at 3:14 AM, Leo Gura said:

You are strawmanning her situaiton.

@Leo Gura

Yeah I wanted to see how much of a jerk this person is from Squeekytoy's profile based on what he says in which his sense of humor isn't funny. You even told him that he is a jerk and that he strawmans people. I could be overreacting based on what he said to me but it has to do with you and your work and that I wasn't talking to him therefore I don't think I was overeating especially since he had a 3 day ban. I've already reported the post he sent to me in a different conversation so I don't think that a link is necessary, I'm pretty sure I already notified you using your name. I just wanted you to be the one to get people engaged in that conversation about the development of the book you plan to create and answering my questions that I think are meaningful to the conversation. 

Edited January 6 by AndylizedAAY
My commentary on Squeekytoy and the conversation I wanted to have with you and others.

[AndylizedAAY]

On 05/01/2024 at 2:47 AM, Leo Gura said:

@Squeekytoy Don't be a jerk.

https://media.tenor.com/osCPfu60X2MAAAAM/dont-be-a-jerk-jimmy-valmer.gif

[PurpleTree]

On 3.1.2024 at 0:30 PM, Barbella said:

I saw he has some chocolate and I asked him if I can have it, and he told me no because it's too expensive and that I can have cheaper one. I was honestly so hurt by that. (chocolate is like 4$)

😂

[Yimpa]

A lover I met recently during a trip is so attracted to me that they would spend all their time and money just to see me again (about a 2 hr drive). They also happen to be in a very vulnerable and difficult place in their life. The mature thing for me to do is to not let them see me for free; to slow down our relationship - taking a scenic route instead of a highway to hell. 

[Schizophonia]

9 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

A lover I met recently during a trip is so attracted to me that they would spend all their time and money just to see me again (about a 2 hr drive). They also happen to be in a very vulnerable and difficult place in their life. The mature thing for me to do is to not let them see me for free; to slow down our relationship - taking a scenic route instead of a highway to hell. 

They ? 

Edited January 7 by Schizophonia

[Lyubov]

He’s free to be who he is. It is not your job to change him. Be open and honest an discuss it with him, understand and have a genuine conversation. If you don’t see yourself on the same page with him after, then accept him for who he is and continue the relationship or leave him. It’s not that complicated, jsut open and honest communication to see if you can come to terms with each other. 

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

He’s free to be who he is. It is not your job to change him. Be open and honest an discuss it with him, understand and have a genuine conversation. If you don’t see yourself on the same page with him after, then accept him for who he is and continue the relationship or leave him. It’s not that complicated, jsut open and honest communication to see if you can come to terms with each other. 

It's not that complicated for him to share with her either. He's not free to be who he is when he took it upon himself to have a girlfriend. Don't tell this lady it's not that complicated. You don't know the feelings she has for him. Easy for you to say. 

[Yimpa]

10 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

They ? 

Yes, I’ve been attracting many people lately who don’t strictly identify as either male or female. Humans are fascinating creatures 

[Schizophonia]

2 hours ago, Yimpa said:

Yes, I’ve been attracting many people lately who don’t strictly identify as either male or female. Humans are fascinating creatures 

This dichotomy is just a way of classifying people according to their genitals and what results from them (endocrine, physical profile, etc.). I don't understand this authentication thing. Maybe inside you are more “feminine” than most men but who cares? It's just energy.

 

I play vinegar preservative, but I believe that any form of identification is a trap at one point or another, and basically an ego-enhancing game. From nationalism to gender theory.

 

I hope I'm stupid and don't understand something somewhere 👍

[Lyubov]

8 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

It's not that complicated for him to share with her either. He's not free to be who he is when he took it upon himself to have a girlfriend. Don't tell this lady it's not that complicated. You don't know the feelings she has for him. Easy for you to say. 

That’s not under her control though. She can only accept him for who he is or choose to leave him, or have a conversation with him and see if he changes. This is the process of dating and relating to people. It’s entirely her choice to stay with him or leave, and make the choice best for her. She isn’t a victim here. She will be fine either way. 

Edited January 8 by Lyubov

[Princess Arabia]

4 hours ago, Lyubov said:

That’s not under her control though. She can only accept him for who he is or choose to leave him, or have a conversation with him and see if he changes. This is the process of dating and relating to people. It’s entirely her choice to stay with him or leave, and make the choice best for her. She isn’t a victim here. She will be fine either way. 

That's sounds a lot better than, it's not complicated. It might not be in certain cases; but since we don't know the entire details of their relationship, it's not up to us to say whether it's complicated or not. Some people invest in their relationships in various ways; and even though we have to walk away from certain things in life, it's not up to us on the outside looking in to just blatantly say it's not that complicated. Not everyone treats their relationships in a way where walking away is that easy.

 

[Yimpa]

A free, 1 hour video call with your lover is worth 1 million bucks 

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

A free, 1 hour video call with your lover is worth 1 million bucks 

Yimpa is happy these times, lol. 

[Recursoinominado]

Man, this seems extremely unattractive.