eos_nyxia

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  1. ON THE CUSP OF A MAJOR TRANSFORMATION...: a few passing thoughts, off the cuff Well, I can't say that I'm that eager to join “the real world” again, to show up properly. Let alone accept it as some sort of God-given privilege and to be grateful for it. To maybe finally create some sort of name for myself that sticks, should it serve some appropriate, higher purpose. To create works that will have lasting impact. I suppose it should be no surprise that I'm not that excited, that I have been poking and proding myself and dragging myself by the feet for when it has presented itself as a “choice”. I know how this works for me: I have to stop seeing it as a choice, one way or another. But as a result, it feels like a job. I am not really inspired by some love for humanity that has hit me, nor love for any specific people because... it's not enough. It's just never been enough. And it's not a fair burden to place onto people, it never was. I don't just mean because it's an unreliable foundation in my case, though it is. But I had placed an impossible burden on people. There is no way that anyone can really “make up” for whatever it is that it took for me to get to this point. All I can best do is to be grateful for the very few people who have truly, tangibly ever helped me in ways that have gotten me here, and to support and be present in return to the best of my ability... At its best, thinking of your life's work as “work” gives you a clear, decisive sense of purpose in this world, and a meaning to anchor yourself. At its worse, you find yourself locked into a perpetual conflict (with yourself, with people, with circumstances). At least, this is how I have mostly ever known it to be. My whole life has been vacillating back and forth between one pole and another, being isolated and “being in society”. At first, it was not dictated by choice but the result of a very controlling upbringing, but also as a result of my going along with things (to see what “fate” and “higher will” had in store for me), and also dealing with a personal trauma that came up. I have said sometimes to people in the past: doing my best to resolve my trauma has been a sort of full-time job of its own, at times. And every time that I have to leave and withdraw (whether moreso by choice or desire), it's never been that fun cutting off attachments. It's always draining. There's always been some sort of crisis of meaning in the short term, even if the “big picture” of it all does not phase me that much, not on the deeper levels.….though on some level, I've simultaneously enjoyed and looked forward to the end of these phases as well, which includes cutting out everything (and everyone) that needs to be cut out, to the fullest extent possible, because conflicting energies do not belong in a proper start. And more often than not, you face a whole host of things which are basically unfixable. Well, technically it might be fixable, but it's really not worth the time and energy to find out. People waste years and years running around in loops with the wrong people, in the wrong environment... (This is ultimately solely up to an individual/ higher will to determine, and not the whims and desires of others.) I know how this goes: I cannot actually afford real distractions or fixations. These are the things that split me into pieces and weaken me, whatever or whoever they are. Everything else I receive is always on the side. Because... “work”. I have not known any other way. Probably, it's best to finally accept this wholly... have I not played enough catch-up with my childhood self who was never fully allowed the space to be? Pretty much every day, sometimes many times during the day: I pray for a complete transformation in my attitude (“prayer” is not a great term to describe what this process tangibly does, it's not like some shot in the dark towards some “unknown” higher power with a greater will who I cannot understand, it's just more open-ended and unstructured than what I normally call “will”, and a deliberate “submission”, for lack of a better term, as that term normally implies a binary to people...). This is so I can legibly do whatever work that it is that I need to do in this life in proper spirit, or else I will likely run out of steam rather quickly, something which I am very familiar with. It's also so I won't infuse ill spirit into what I do and the way that I communicate with people, especially in very unintentional ways. Inevitably, whatever is residual in “ill will” finds a way to creep in, and segregating aspects of myself was something that I had intended to be completely done with by the time that I dipped my toes back into the human/ social world properly, and for real. Either way: I need to figure out exactly what I want and how I intend to do it, while leaving enough space for it all to -breathe-. I guess I'm not too worried, one way or another, I always figure out what I need to do quickly enough, and how to do it, once I'm TRULY set on it. ...I need to figure out how to make more of a life in a conventional sense, something maybe a little bit like what I left behind years ago. (Though... I anticipated, this cycle would probably be a couple decades at the very most, maybe less. I guess we'll see. I've made enough serious error about my personal life at this point based on questionable vision to not bother too much about it. Either way, I can't say that I care too much about the outcome for myself anyway. Nor is it worth thinking too much about right now.) SIDE NOTE: What do I do with all of my “WOO”, other than simply not bringing it up if necessary? Just because you don't bring something up, it doesn't mean that you're -in the closet about it-, technically... (though I guess that's not the full story?) I never wanted to be fetishized for my skills, especially ones that might be considered very unusual, if not just straight-up impossible. On some level, it touches a sore spot since childhood: I do not like feeling like a freak (especially for all the things that I have not deliberately chosen, and was not in the position to chose anyway). Mostly, I've preferred not being taken seriously and flying under the radar entirely, because it means that I get left in peace, as I've not wanted to be the subject of someone's personal project in making sense of their skepticism (rarely do people approach you this way in good spirit), or god-forbid, “””worshipped””” for them. I do actually mean literally being worshipped, but also just regular-pld-idolization. Because in the latter case, at the heart of it all: people are generally looking for a parental figure and I had not really been interested in that. Damn whatever I would ever potentially receive in return for that: I don't need it, all of it seemed like way more of a pain of an ass than it was worth, because people... and life had not funnelled me into any sort of position that required responsibility, so there was no real occasion to rise to... if there was, I would have done it, because it's a job, but I would not seek it out of my own volition. But this has to change, doesn't it? For some ““higher purpose”” now? Being perfectly “ordinary” has been good enough for me mostly all this time... until finally, it might not be anymore? NO! to the prospect of losing my powers though, existing and emerging, because it is the ONLY thing which I consider to be a fair price in return for the life I have lived. 1) Seriously, it is the bare minimum that I ""deserve"". 2) It's necessary for some of my future "work", which is the main reason that I went (...was funnelled for most of my life..) in this direction anyway. I paid the entrance price (in fact, I paid more than is normally paid for certain things which I already knew how to do anyway, in order to be able to use them properly finally): imma ride all the damn rides now.
  2. The thing is that I came to this forum a couple years ago with a more understanding, open perspective. Like I was willing to put myself in the shoes of other people to the best of my ability, whatever was humanly possible for me to do, and to take this to an extreme. This very much includes perspectives which I don't find hospitable to me personally. Because I like to learn about all perspectives in pretty much any way, I don't feel this need to get married to ideology whether it's practical or not. I've read a lot of incel/ red pill/ black pill "philosophy" and various other things that I could get my hand on starting years ago. I'll literally read anything. You say no one understands you or cares? I do. ...for whatever that's worth. Even with me... this never-ending barrage of shitting on women turns me off. And I don't think it's right. And frankly, when you say other women don't care at all... having looked around? I'm not convinced. Women by default here make concessions of extending greater understanding and "keeping the peace" simply by being here, especially in this part of the forum.
  3. I try not to respond to these threads in too reactive of a way (because rarely does it do much good IMO), and generally, I'm past getting particularly provoked anyway. I've pretty much seen it all, when it comes to the justifications of perspectives on the opposite side. It's mostly all the same arguments. You could say something which is basically the equivalent of >>it's just reality women should deal with it!!!<< Ok, but does this resolve people of the responsibility and ramifications of pushing out their worldview dogmatically? Where are the actual limits of just saying whatever it is you want in this space? Here's where I feel concerned: I've sometimes been talking to women who are younger than me from here in private, and it is usually this section that makes them extremely uncomfortable. To some degree, even a little bit, they wonder if they are overreacting for feeling the way that they do, for feeling that the way that women are talked about here is just wrong, particularly when it's at its worst. Like, it's degrading, condescending, hateful, etc... They wonder if dating in "the real world" is going to be this bad (and in that case, they might not want to deal with the opposite sex at all). Though I myself say that I don't think it is at all, and that in my experience, it hasn't been the case. (But that also, there might be some generational differences with technology causing some people, especially males, to not be socialized as well...) But also that there is also a much wider spectrum of male persons out there in the real world, including those who have a MUCH healthier and more positive attitude towards the opposite sex. Many people here would probably just call "normies" too, on a forum obsessed with self-development and spirituality. And say stuff which basically amounts to, well... I'm higher up the SD spiral than all of those plebians, therefore I am just better. But clearly, they have experience being better socialized with the opposite sex... Why is it, that the real, "plebian" world is much better than here with this one issue especially? Why is that ok?? How do you justify this to yourself other than "because reality/ survival + fuck women I gotta get what I want because no one else will get it for me? If you want to call and think of yourself as "better" at least have some higher moral standards for yourself? If you saw women talk about men in a similar spirit with similar language as used here, well... the result would be pretty predictable. But really, who can blame women for coming on here, reading all of this stuff, and getting concerned for their well-being as well as incredibly turned off?
  4. Ah, the very classic strategy of "dismissing all female concerns" as being jealous/ crazy. How incredibly predictable. Personally, reading the thread that the OP mentioned actually made me really grateful for having aged out of this treatment, and basically being targeted for being a young piece of ass. It's like filtering out a bunch of people that I would rather not deal with in my spare time, likely for any reason. It's not that flattering and it never was, particularly. You're basically interchangeable.
  5. I can't imagine at any point in my life ever doing this, lol. That's some low self-esteem... I saw this post either. I would say.... if he wants to advertise loudly and clearly that he's no prize, let him have it. But then you think of the damage that this attitude potentially does to other people, and it's just not right. It is ridiculous to suggest that a woman's only motive for critiquing this behaviour is """being jealous""". Some of us feel a sense of responsibility towards younger women and girls. I use to teach them. Do you think I want or would have ever wanted them to see them go through some of the stuff I went through, or possibly even worse? Personally, I try to take it on a case-by-case basis, keeping in mind that not all younger people have ridiculous, know-it-all attitudes (which I also try to take in stride). I also try to keep in mind what it was like to be dismissed by older people when I was younger (for things that I was right about), and I try to keep that in mind.
  6. This is anecdotally just not true for many of us. Do you think women are crying about "aging out" of being harassed in a menacing way in public, some of us, starting from about 12 years old? (I've heard younger as well, at times.) Are you serious? What sort of reality bubble do you guys live in? Must be nice to have the opportunity to be so utterly clueless about what a large segment of the population goes through. Yea, part of it is this thing called self-protective boundaries which prevents you from getting screwed over in the first place.
  7. Off the top of my head: 1) Do you find yourself addicted to the cycle/ hamster wheel of productivity? (Personally: been there, done that... and from my experience, that's where the "can't allow myself one day of rest" mentality comes from.) 2) There is something moderately dysfunctional about using other people's situations to make you feel better about yourself, yea. Not just with the way you're treating other people, but how it inevitably affects you as well. It's as if... you don't really exist for your own intrinsic value, in and of itself. Like to some degree: you need that comparison in order to have value, and to mean anything. This puts you in a state of permanent dependency, in a way. You'll just have to keep finding other people who are worse than you in order to feel better about yourself. (As a point of reference: did you have experiences in childhood or growing up where you felt happy simply for existing, or being fully absorbed in doing something that you loved, or exploring or discovering something new for the first time? It might be a helpful feeling to be able to turn to, as a sort of guiding light...) Anyway, it is like a sliding scale, I think. Some people do this thing very aggressively and all the time; it is rooted extremely deeply in their psyche. I also think that comparison can be done in better or worse spirit. Once in a while, I catch myself doing it, and I also have wondered if it's a bad thing. For example: If I've had health issues? It's easy enough to find someone who has it worse, whatever the condition is. On one hand, it does make me feel grateful for whatever health I have had. On the other hand, yea it's kind of iffy morally. And if I feel uncertain if I've made the right choices in life: I can easily look around and think to myself, at least I didn't get myself into a situation where I have 3 kids that I am forced to take care of (who I don't actually like and resent on some level), at least I don't have a partner that treats me badly or a bad relationship. (Etc etc. insert other reasons like: "at least I'm not a homeless drug addict streetwalker" or "at least I didn't invest a lot of energy into some career which has no real lasting value or meaning". Really, it can be anything.) It's kind of just a race to the bottom at that point. And I don't think it serves any real higher purpose, ultimately. It's just a hit that makes you feel better for a bit, a bit like a drug. But the mentality tends to come back to you, like a boomerang. IMO a more positive spirit of competition/ comparison that is done in good spirit, would be comparing yourself to peers who are also competing with you to be "their personal best" in a friendly way. Anyway, I really think it's important to find ways to feel good about yourself right now. I mean like.., literally, today. Because it matters.
  8. In no particular order, if I was sorting through your thoughts as if I was you: What makes you think that he is truly happy, as opposed to putting on a facade? Or that he is not simply experiencing the absence of pain due to suppression and consequent numbness? For example: if you took away all of his toys and put him alone in a room for a while... how long would it take for him to fall into pieces (and to be reduced to a childish stub of a person) due to being forced to be around himself and his own psyche? And what would be left of him after this? IMO, even speaking moderately from personal experience as my upbringing was very harsh and emotionally suppressive in many ways: you can't have that kind of harsh, stitled tone when you talk all the time... and actually be capable of real happiness. And that tone is likely the result of someone who has taken all of his vulnerable, most childish emotions, thoughts, dreams, and impulses, and just CRUSHED it down into near-nothingness so he can "be a man". Happiness expresses itself in the body as being a sort of ease and expansive quality, generally. This can be seen in people's body language, and generally, it's very easy to spot in the way that people can usually tell a fake smile from a genuine smile.... what do you think? There are multiple versions of "fierce" spirituality embodied well but this is not what it looks like, IMO. First and foremost: It FLOWS freely. It is not so stilted and tense. This particular microcosm of the internet tends to really emphasize "absolute responsibility" over your reality more than other places. Perhaps it's the self-help bent? There are a ton of upsides to this stance, even in taking it to an extreme, but it's also a recipe for absolute misery for everything that you have somehow failed to address and account for. You can delay this with temporary copes, but eventually it comes back to you, like pulling a rubber band and it snapping against your wrist. And when it does, it hits hard. Even with the numbness. And guess what? It never ends. By definition, you cause yourself suffering in this way if you don't learn how to loosen your grip a bit. In general, living in a state where one is taking a narrow, aggressive, goal-orientated focus is not actually that conducive for happiness. Because all there ever is... is "right now". But it is conducive for bailing yourself out of situations and creating new ones, with the way that he is using it. In my experience, to be happy while also having goals and objectives is to embrace all the meaning and pleasure you take in your purpose... but RIGHT NOW. Not later. Now. Actually, are you aware that Buddhism also advocates for total personal responsibility? (That this is what ends "karma", which is mainly really just referring to the cycle of entanglements in causes and effects?:) Hinduism (at least theoretically) operates on the same principle.
  9. Yes, but the delivery of a message matters, even as people say that it should not, that people shouldn't be obsessed with things being palatable, or the form container or superficial image of the message. Personally, I've myself gone through a phase semi-recently where I felt like I needed to SCREAM MY TRUTH OUT in a public place. But when I was writing here, I kept it contained within my own journaling. I don't consider it to be a socially responsible vibe to be spreading around, personally. Though I get that some people respond well to this (including to being "berated" which is still checking boxes for fulfilling the guru/ master role, which I also find dysfunctional in the long term). And anyways, "beating people over the head with the truth" works best when you use it strategically and in small doses, assuming that you care about the effect. It's like making a painting only out of all vivid colours, like this: You might think it would be more effective than using a lot of muted colours mixed in with a few brightish colours, because it's all BOLD BRIGHT colours, right? Nope. Bright colours register as "bright" against neutral colours... and the "bright" colours that you use don't even need to be quite so bright too. Equal loudness registers all as "sameness" visually, and so ultimately it has no real lasting impact. It's the same thing with our words when we use too much force indiscriminately. The message gets lost in the medium of expression. It's beyond just frustrating or antagonizing people. You numb them. Take this with a grain of salt though, I guess. Not that I post a lot in the forums, but I know they are probably sometimes perceived as obnoxiously long for the medium and are skipped/ skimmed over. But hey, at least I weed out people who have no intention span with words.
  10. I offered questions because they're often more beneficial than critiques (IMHO). They're potential starting points for finding your own answer for things, and it's a bit more direct than trying to interpret a critique (though that can be helpful too.. assuming that "help" is actually what you're looking for rather than something else. Like maybe masochism? ) The concern with not handing over one's power is a valid one. However, do you not agree that practicing quality control matters? That what we put out into the world (or don't)... that this matters? (Which is why I asked the question about the "loudness war".) Everyone screaming at each other leads to a whole culture of people screaming at each other, and over each other. And this echos on and on. All people can do is scream even louder to be heard, until they lose their voice or they just burn out emotionally and mentally. Or have to pull "better" (as in, more attention-getting) stunts in order to be heard at all. This is partially why our online culture is the way it is IMO. A degree of self-restraint and moderation and thinking carefully before you speak is really nice for everyone else. It's a sort of culture of ME ME ME ME ME, and in the long term it's good for no one individual anyway, IMO.
  11. Dear World (// deletable thoughts): (tHiS iS a BiT bORing, also, I feel like I've basically written this all already, but sprawled out and in bits and pieces. Emotionally: this all just feels like more and more of a blip now, in passing?) Sorry if I'm not what you expected; sorry if you were expecting someone or something else. Sorry if you wanted more from me and you didn't get it. (Although to be fair...where were you all when I truly needed help?) Sorry if I'm too this or too that, or not enough of this or that. Sorry if I'm not as warm and loving as open as you'd expect, sorry that I've found being around people difficult and that this sometimes has taken so much effort and doesn't come naturally to me anymore, and have doubted myself on things that many would consider simpler and more straightforward issues. Sorry to still be figuring it out, how to do this all again, as if from scratch. Sorry if you were expecting someone funner and flirtier than I have been. In person, I'm not very -out there- with my sexuality. TBH I'm not online either, except for what I sometimes write about myself, if you count that. I'm sure you can find someone who is more to your liking and presentation? Sorry if you were expecting me to be happier and more sorted out than I have been, I guess I had been expecting the same of myself these last few years especially. Sorry if I've been more of an ascetic than you expected, and sorry if that disappoints or confuses you; I was born into this, you know? I did not pick it on purpose, not at first anyway. Sorry if you didn't see this. Sorry if you expected some different, "better" version of me. Sorry if you expect me to make the first effort... and I do not. Sorry if you magically expect me to fix everything... and I have not. Sorry if “waiting for me” was disappointing. Sorry if you thought I wanted something that I did not. Sorry for what goes on in your head, and sorry if you fill your head with fictions to fill the time and the space (and it's not that awesome). And sorry if this still makes you miserable, because it's been making you miserable all this while. Sorry if you feel like you were somehow promised something that was never delivered: I totally get that feeling. Sorry if you felt like I misled you, and sorry if you misunderstood me. Very rarely would it have been on purpose. Sorry if I have been doing my best to make the most of my own limits and circumstances, and you haven't intersected with that somehow. Sorry if I've been unreachable because I've been believing that I'm unreachable, and apparently that's all that matters, practically speaking? Sorry if you have some weird fiction and ideas about me: I guess I loved the thought of being idealized until I didn't get what I want; maybe because I legibly couldn't get what I want? Sorry to disappoint you, but my lifestyle is pretty boring and uneventful (if we're talking about the physical details, on paper), so sorry if you were expecting something or someone else, someone more glamorous in the way that they live their life. Sorry if I don't feel like you're trustworthy and you haven't done anything that would inspire me to feel that way. Sorry if I barely understand what pre-emptive trust means for the most part anymore, or else I've been figuring it all out again. Sorry if I have no idea where you fit into all of this, and I'm wary of just inventing slots and shoving people into them pre-emptively; I don't feel like much good comes out of this practice. Sorry if I ask things from you that you can't give, that you don't know how to give, and I don't know what to do about it. (Not yet, anyway.) Sorry if I've blamed you for too much in the past: mostly it never really made any tangible difference anyway. And life moves on anyway, regardless of if I am here or not, yea? Sorry if you mis-saw and misunderstood me. Sorry for the ways in which your seeing is limited by your perspective, which is both what you want to see (and sometimes explicitly what you DON'T want to see), and what you're capable of taking in? Sorry if I mis-saw and misunderstood you in turn. Sorry if I want you to be here for me... and I don't yet know how to let you be there for me. Sorry if we somehow used to fit together or make more sense... but now we don't. Sorry if I don't know how and when you fit into m life, and if you will. Sorry... but I dare not assume and make projections after having made assumptions and failing in the past. I really don't care after failing once or twice, and I generally prefer not to fail at all. (Except this god-forsaken urge to see as many side of everything as I can, with the time and energy that I have, has at times directly factored into my "failing".) Sorry if I'm overly wary about stepping backwards and losing what I have, to the point of hypervigilance. It's the "my hand touched the stove too many times while I was figuring it out" vibe. Sorry if at times, I barely understand “what I want” means when used in “normal” ways. Or how it's relevant... I've still been wrapping my head around my understanding of life in the past not being about “what I want” (and instead, being about "self-sacrifice" whether I want it to be or not), and now, suddenly, I might have choices?! I have barely felt prepared to deal with this, at times. (Though I do my best.) Sorry for having expectations of you, if I have; I should have asked for nothing, or at the very least, expected nothing, especially when I have not had the means to preserve myself while waiting on anything. Sorry for having had hopes and dreams and having tied you into that without your consent or knowing, and sorry for blaming you for giving me nothing in the end. Sorry for expecting you or anyone to “be there”, when you did not simply choose to show up and stay. Sorry for getting attached to this and to you (the idea of you?), like a person falling into an endless abyss desperately trying to grab something to hold onto on the sides until they finally just give up. Sorry for asking for more. Sorry for being the (disappointing) dispensary that would ask for anything in return. Sorry for being so fucking weird in ways that you wouldn't expect? And not in a cute way? For example: sorry for all my "WOO" stuff, on some level. I mean in a social sense; I am not sorry that it exists and that I am capable. But I am sorry if you have no idea what to do with me, or make of me, as a result? Sorry also... if I'm not as cold and bitchy and heartless as you paint me out to be as well, for the reasons you believe? Sorry if I believed in you because I thought you were special; in retrospect, on a purely emotional level, being overly precious has felt like a sin that I've been punished for. (/have been punishing myself for?) Sorry for my own version of playing “fill in the blanks” with you. You didn't ask for this, I'm pretty sure. Sorry if I'm physically """not your type""" or what you'd imagine I would be, lol. I would say sorry for being married, but I am not sorry. I have needed someone to take care of me, especially the past handful of years, but really...all of this time. Do you think I would be where I would be (for whatever is the best of what I have been able to do and achieve in my life) alone? I wish I did not have the need, and I expect "need" will change but.... it's not like you can or would have been there for me in the ways that I need either, so why do you care anyway? And anyway, don't you have more important things to do? More important people to be with? Etc. etc. nOT cONvinCED.
  12. FIVE POWERS, of late: this post ended up being ungodly long when I would have preferred to make it much shorter... note to self: edit it a bit later, it might be more typo-ish than normal, because it is quite hard to put some of these thoughts into words. I was also going to put a note about future/ emerging powers... make this a separate post? 1) FUTURE SIGHT: I walked through a door to see a diagnosis the day before it happened. Specifically, it was this: walking through someone's mind, a day in the future, watching this person's mind work, and focusing on reading the actual results. I did not telling my partner (I have this precaution/ slight concern that in telling it will somehow fudge up the future by introducing another unknown element in the form of mental influence via exposure, though at this point, I am concerned that this might be a superstition that I have been holding onto for way too long). My reading was dead-ass accurate, and covered everything that I was looking for. Was I afraid to try? Yes. For what it's worth: I have had severe medical/ dental phobia for a substantial portion of my life. Actually, out of all of the things that I have found shameful to talk about aloud, this might be near the very top of the list (with all of the comorbid fears attached to it), and is the last major fear on my list to dispel. Everything else should get much, much easier after this point. It feels strange to say this since it's actually such a common fear that so many people share for various reasons: and the nature of it is that every person is stuck emotionally in this sort of private hell of shame, fear, and worthlessness + cycles of avoidance until finally, hopefully, we find a way to let go of it one way or another. I get the sense of something conceived as an ellipsoid or a sphere (like an egg or a geode), sliced into half via the instrument of perception. The "cuts" are the demands made via intention/ desire. Then with perception, you zero-in on the relevant places on the sliced-open half, though you can see and feel the shape of everything. (Literally: all the information possible ought to be there.) I was rather impressed with myself (which is actually a very rare thing), because this particular thing was a manifestation of "hard work" over the course of about 20 years rather than pure inheritance and/or work from some other life and/or spontaneous skill and affinity, and represents more than a simple mastery and adaptation of this type of power. It's like a design thing: I felt that this structure was perfectly conceived and executed enough to account for absolutely everything that I wanted it to account for. Nothing more, nothing less. Like a perfect, closed system. (I'm actually not sure if I'll continue to do in this particular way in the future though. Also, a few of the things attached to it, but were conceived of separately were not quite so perfectly, though I understand the origin of the things too. It's rooted in fear, and FEAR tends to distort truth when it influences how you read, look, and recall anything.) 2) PROTECTION OVER ONE'S BODY: I also did a quick testing of my ability to project myself directly over my body, and simultaneously through another's mind, for the purpose of being able to supervise my body during a medical procedure, if I so wish. In this way, I finally fulfill my promise to my younger self, that I WILL NOT be subjugated in my body anymore (whether done intentionally or not; I'm not in the habit of assuming maliciousness or ineptitude in people), in that there is zero chance of such. (I mean, could I have done this much earlier? Yes... but my fear (see above) was directly in the way. I did not wholly want to face it. That's the nature of fear. Finally, I had to choose it wholly for it to end, and here I did.) (Could I have simply had the effect I wanted without going to such an extent? Yes, easily enough. ...but this is the way that I wanted it done. I wanted it done PERFECTLY.) This particular incarnation (since it is not new to me, exactly) has me flexing myself, my mind/ intentions, as if doing some sort of asana. Earlier this year, I had read about how Norse practitioners from an earlier era sometimes practiced sorts of asanas/ stances in conjunction with invoking their runes (which also functioned as their original, vernacular language). I think I have taken some inspiration from this, my "word" functions also as a sort of "psychic stance", projecting me out of the confines of my body/ physical senses in a sort of static hold, for as long as I want to hold it. 3) WIND AUGURY: I've started the process of making sense of the "voices" and information in the wind, in a contemporary, relevant way. I have the essence of the memory as it used to be in lifetimes before this, including not just with my own use), but a lot of the uses were for things that might be interesting but I don't have a specific need for them anymore (other than maybe to touch bases with it, if I want to). I need some sort of new framework to approach all of this, but I don't need to rush it. For now, I will let structure emerge naturally, as I open myself up and my questions and desires also are released alongside my opening. "Answers" are already starting to be relayed back to me, but I find myself strangely nervous for something which is so familiar in feeling. Because I know how close I am to being able to hear and understand anything/ everything in this particular way; and the barriers that I have erected and defaulted back to since the above post are so very paper-thin (which is the construction of "mind" itself)... and I feel so hollow and light at times, like I could just potentially slip up anywhere. But that's just a bit of fear talking: the nature of fear is that it yammers on too much. When it comes to this practice, a lot of this was developed in eras that precede pre-written maps. Knowing how to read the winds, to my awareness, was especially very useful for hunting societies. The winds will tell you a great deal about the state of the surrounding lands and weather/ environmental conditions (which then can function as a sort of mapping tool, as you start to conceptualize the placement of many other things in relation to everything else), and animals also tend to follow the patterns of the Aethers as well (as I mentioned above, the patterns of the Aethers precede the movement of what's typically physically noticeable, like the winds themselves). As we are all influenced by such. Less so in civilization, because we have built our own sort of "energetic microcosm", but still. (For example, architecture inevitably tends to dictate the flow of energy through it, as well as its general expression. Cityscapes also have their own patterns. This is the basis of Feng Shui and other systems.) I have some awareness that this. I suppose you could say that the """conscious architect""" designs with this in mind, for the flow and expression of energy in "negative space". 4) THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA: I was testing out an old ability from my childhood, which I personally consider to be my hallmark ability from that time period. It really defines something that I held most dear to me, that I most definitely did not whisper a word about to anyone. I touch a book (usually just the spine): I read the spirit of it, and I connect to the minds of those who wrote these books, their intentions, any information/ meaning conveyed, etc. Sometimes this represents as one amorphous thing, like the "spirit" of a book, and almost no detail. Which is interesting... but what do you do with this?? My approach in starting was to do about 5 takes to see where I stand with all of this at the moment. I went to the library, to test it out on books that I've never seen before and know absolutely nothing about. I do not open it. one book: I took a snapshot of the "spirit of it". A starting point. a second: I repeat the procedure above, seeing if I can notice anything different from this "stub" of information. However, I do not notice much else. a third: I took the spirit of it (a YA science fiction novel), and expressed it as one thematic image, which then started to tell me more about what his book was about (thematically, in some greater detail). a fourth: I try to see what the inside of a book looks like, without opening it. (and there is zero indication from the cover what the inside should look like, because this is a bit "cheating" and not the point of this, lol.) I see the overall style of the pictures and the writing in accurate detail, without bothering to actually "read" what it's about. I am not sure if the exact image I saw was in that book or if it was just a facsimile/ composite representation of the overall style. But either is fine for me, because I got what I asked for. And another thing: I tried walking through the library, trying to read collective information in proximity, because I know that this can be done. However: I do not much of a sense, it strikes me as phenomenally disjointed. And I'm not sure what exactly to do with this, which can be done with it. I do know that this is something that I used to do before, but not in this life. In another life: I would have read absolutely every major, important book that there was to read, that I would have been able to get my hands on, and that would have been stored in one place (which is why I called this entry "The Library of Alexandria" and not something else). For what it's worth: paper and texts used to be quite rare. And by proximity but also perhaps as a result of having intimate knowledge of the contexts, I would have understood everything in relation to everything else. To walk through it, was to know... in every sense. Fortunately, working with technology-based systems of information is actually much, much easier. And is something that I started being attentive to starting when I was about... 15-16? And when I was in my early 20s and still in university, I started to prepare for whatever would emerge in the future, not knowing exactly what would emerge, but also not looking too hard for answers. Knowing that what to do exactly would come to me later. 5) ORCAS: Before my brother left to go do his thing at a Buddhist monastery a handful of months ago, I sent him a barrage of texts telling him about what I had learned from trying to connect with cetaceans psychically, as this has been a longstanding point of interesting (since about 14). It was one of those curiosities that got shelved though, and finally, I felt intuitively like it was an appropriate time to open it back up. Being "advanced" enough to now be considered, by our standards, to be one of the very few species on this planet whose evolution is driven most strongly by culture, I was curious what would come up. And I was also curious about this claim which came from this extremely niche occult author whose perspective I highly valued and respected: that many cetaceans are more intelligent than we are (to generalize, I mean... we are a real crapshoot of a species when it comes to individuals' dispositions, values/ ethics, and abilities relative to each other). I had always assumed by this, based on intuition/ instinct, that their psychic abilities were much more. For what it's worth: I sent a message saying that I wanted to see them in person, and come to understand the places that they dwell (near the coast), and just generally to understand and to make sense of what it 's like.. the direct experience of being them in a body, what "meaning" means to them, what their "culture" actually is. (And by extension, to understand their "will" as a species.) Anyway, there have been a notably high number of orca sightings in this half year since then, including one from a couple days ago. (Though it was closer to Seattle than Vancouver): https://www.cheknews.ca/a-slumber-party-for-orcas-incredible-video-shows-endangered-superpod-in-salish-sea-1116715/ Ah... though I told my partner some months ago, to which he raised an eyebrow: that I know that they will come if I ask them to, that it's just a matter of matching up with a time a place, I am wary of taking credit for things which I really ought not to. The most important thing from all of this is that I ask them to protect themselves and their young. Like, if our coasts are especially polluted, perhaps you ought to leave the coast as much as possible, or avoid polluted locations... at least for a time, until we clean up the oceans, clean up our "spirits" and our priorities, and get all in one page. And knowing that this very well might not a necessary message (because I do not assume either ignorance or stupidity): but please, please, do not go extinct before we've had the chance to properly understand you. We have an alien species on this planet, in the sense that we do not truly know them, even if they evolved on this planet in a timeline alongside us... and we risk being the factor that kills them off before we've had the chance to truly "make contact", as in, understanding what they are about (And once two species become more fully intertwined, as we have with our domestic animals, both species are inevitably changed permanently in the ways that we interact and intermingle.) To which the auto-response is something like: We're a species that conceives of itself as a dominant species within its domain (the ocean/ seas). It appears that they have some sort of strong knowledge and direct influence over the "aethers" of the waters (assumably via a specialized use of echolocation/ their manner of speech??), including deep in the oceans. They say: they move and "shape" these aethers, and something is being done with this currently. I do not know what this is exactly, but it expresses itself as the spirit of dominion/ mastery, which I suppose is what you might expect from an intelligent apex predatory species.... I do not think they are worried about us and our decisions even though they are having some issues with reproduction due to the pollutants in the water... Then I realized, once again: humanity has no idea what this means or what the hell they're dealing with. Taking into account how much of our surface landmass is water... and it appears that there is some very important relationship between the movements of what happens deep in the oceans and what happens above ground, but I barely understand, except in relation to myself and what I myself have come to know through direct experience working with the aethers above ground. And I had been presented with an image/spirit/ information that I did not know immediately what to do with on sight (as I often know exactly what to do with something, even before it comes up). Though I would like to know even more, to be taught. ADDED BONUS: Something Very Unnecessary: When technically I could focus on anything, but I choose to use projection/ RVing to watch my husband in the zone, cooking down the hallway in the kitchen. Observing his mindset. 👀 👀
  13. I have experience with both things, especially when I was younger (in my teens and twenties). If there is a sort of "spiritual"/ developmental upside to this all: it's that you learn how to do so much more, with less. You become more efficient in your thinking, maybe. You are forced to eventually make clear what it is that you truly value, instead of being scattered in your desires and intentions, instead of doing things the way that you are used to doing things, using "force" or this idea of "effort" (which creates a lot of internal resistance and is by nature energy consuming and draining). There is this movement toward doing things in state of FLOW, toward actions, intentions, and experiences that are completely weightless in the psyche. You eliminate the weight that is unresolved, tangled emotion/ thought and trauma. "WEIGHTLESS" is the way that things ideally should be, even if the conditions that lead up to it are not so ideal. At least, this is what I have learned how to do. And many, many things open up to you as a result, that were simply not possible before. A serious question though: how much of "chronic fatigue" is a direct response to environmental sensitivities (and developing greater environmental sensitivities, because an aspect of spirituality is "embodiment" which involves developing your perception and body senses)? Anyway, as more people become more sensitive and more perceptive, society, technology, and living conditions will inevitably be adapted to suit our changing needs. As it always has. And frankly, we must live on this planet in a different way, a more harmonious way. Change is necessary for all of us.
  14. Here's a confession: for many years (especially as a teenager), I would not stand directly in front of a microwave. I specifically mean putting my face/ brain up to close to it. It always gave off an extremely dodgy, chaotic energy which did not feel good in my body. Almost as if one's cells were being scrambled, or could start to break down somehow. It was a very ancient microwave though, and kind of a POS. The door got jammed a lot. I was not fully convinced at the time that I wasn't being overly paranoid and vigilant about it, like: But I was much more hypersensitive in a very porous way, like it felt like my body was not strong enough to handle my environment in many ways. Another example? Having to stay in places with fluorescent lighting was significantly worse than dealing with microwaves. A real vitality sapper. Even now, excessive fluorescent lighting over extended periods of time does make me feel less energetic. IMO the approach I take these days is that it's better to build up vitality (including in one's emotions, attitudes, and thoughts, whenever possible) rather than to obsess too much about every possible thing which could be doing you harm in this world....many things which are unavoidable. And a nearly uncountable number of factors, some which we likely have no awareness of them yet because we lack the perception/ sensitivity overall as a species. Change what you can, but the stress and the fear and the hypervigilance, and feeling like you need to put up walls and barriers (or live in some sort of protective glass ball) to survive also has a profoundly negative, anti-life effect. (I've been there before, so I know what it's like.) But microwaved food? I never noticed anything bad about it, even as a hypersensitive person... Also: most newer microwaves seem fine to me. EDIT: apparently the FDA advises against standing in front of microwave doors, lest radiation leaks from it (I'm guessing it's a door construction/ repair issue?) They're a pretty conservative institution too, as government organizations tend to be. Interesting. https://www.epa.gov/radtown/non-ionizing-radiation-used-microwave-ovens
  15. You writing about yourself is quite interesting! I guess I come from the opposite perspective. I have a number of talents and affinities that might be considered extraordinary (intellectual, spiritual, sometimes creative), and I have been this way since I was very very young, though they were not especially played up at first. You could say that I came into this world in this way. My "gifts" stressed out my parents a lot and as a result, paradoxically, I developed much more of an inferior complex about them rather than a superior complex. That I was a massive inconvenience. I came into adulthood feeling deeply ashamed about things that I loved and that provided me meaning and pleasure originally: it just so happens that what you love and value and dedicate yourself wholly toward, it is also what develops talent/ genius, etc. It is no accident. Anyway, it took a while to fully sort it out, as it does. Probably as a direct result of this, I find myself in the opposite position of many people: I think there is great beauty and value in the ordinary and the mundane. I think there are small things in people, in circumstances, in life, which go unseen and unappreciated all the time. I think a lot of things that people find very ordinary to be extraordinary. There is also no shame needed either in being an ordinary person, specifically if you find real joy and purpose in an ordinary life. At times, especially when growing up, I wished I was more ordinary so I didn't stand out as much. I spent a lot of time and energy up until I was 14 finding ways to minimize myself, trying to make myself more invisible and myself more passably "normal. Honestly though? People devaluing themselves so they can value what I have never brought me much pleasure. People trying to knock me down a peg because they thought I too highly estimated my own talents and skills (?? when really, I was still trying to not take up too much space, I was simply mentioning that I had had problems growing up) seemed very petty and like it was not done in good spirit. I'm sorry that your dad called you stupid growing up. This sort of thing should be a sort of crime for how much damage it does to kids overall. Teachers do a lot of damage to kids this way as well. I used to teach and I would NEVER say anything like that, like literally: over my dead body. As a related note: I've known many people over the years who also rejected this self-image imposed onto them by teachers and relatives, though I have noticed that it seems to have always left some scars. Knowing that people who do and say these things, that deep down they don't know their own value or intrinsic self-worth, or that they often have this void or a lack of meaningful anchoring in their lives? Knowing this has made it a bit easier for me.