eos_nyxia

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  1. Yes, that's generally how it goes. You've dealt with all the nuts and bolts of the English language which native speakers take for granted. Likewise, I find that I'm usually way more efficient and direct when I've written in other languages because it's far easier to ensure clarity and general grammatical correctness when you keep things simple. And it's easier to train yourself to write and think simply and directly than it is to account for the number of mistakes you could be making in a foreign language when you make things convoluted. In English, I have the privilege to get away with being as sloppy as shit if I want to be, and still know if it literally means what I intend it to mean and generally falls within the range of acceptable usage and grammar. Though this is done on my own time and terms, obviously. Yes. Communication is generally a compromise of sorts, or meeting people part way. Give or take. There are varying connotations to specific words, many of which are highly context-sensitive. Generally speaking, most of the words you pull out of a thesaurus are not viable at all for specific use, if you consider both literal accuracy and style. Or you can use them and they'll be technically correct by the base dictionary definition of the word, but it will be off to anyone who has any sense of nuance in their native language. Let's just say as an example, often I find words in the thesaurus that have about 30-50% viability in both accuracy and stylistic feel (if I were to quantify something which most often has a moderate degree of subjective interpretation), so I would never select them for specific uses. There are often words that are very simple and broad in their connotations, and there are many words which are much more specific and nuanced in their use. Usually, it's harder to use these less direct and simple words well, and many people consider it stylistically superfluous anyway. So it's not like you're alone with preferring simple, direct language. Really, at a certain point, it's an individual judgment call about "good taste" and communicability. This is the stuff that's often out of reach for non-native speakers unless you spend a ton of time studying and using words in specific contexts: for example, scientific language, editorial language, languages specific to one academic field or another. Word creatives such as novelists, especially the more experimental variety, often have a more novel approach to language and the context (the creative medium) and the reader is expected to adjust their expectations, to a degree. Just like how poetry has different rules and conventions that don't apply to plain English. Some people write the way they do to keep outsiders out. It's a human thing.
  2. You're looking at neurotypical/ mainstream dating places. You're not neurotypical. The odds are extremely stacked against you in your environment. ANY woman? Please. There is no such thing as someone who is good for everyone. This is a fantasy. You're not dating women as a whole category, you're dating individuals who may or may not have various things in common. This is how it's supposed to go; we sever connections with people when our goals are not fundamentally aligned. IMO it's better to get this thing out in the open ASAP and not be sneaky about it so people don't waste their time and energy. The truth is that a lot of people either do not care about these things, or it does not translate into something valued by the other person in and of itself.
  3. Why are you zeroing in on the most dysfunctional, visible dynamics? There's some element of trauma involved in that... why focus straight on the lowest common denominator? Strength of character gives one the power to choose be vulnerable in a way that's meaningful to people. Generally, that's what's attractive. Maybe "most women" and neuronormals are not your type? If I had to do conventional online dating, I'd probably never have dated at all, lol. It's not for everyone. It's cold, superficial, and impersonal by the nature of it.
  4. Yikes. Isn't it better for women to be alone and at least have some kind of peace of mind rather than to settle for someone so clearly settling for you? (Which again goes against RP rhetoric which acts like a bad relationship for women is better than no relationship at all. But then again, who are they fooling except for the very young, naive, and insecure?) How utterly dehumanizing though. But then, dehumanizers dehumanize themselves first.
  5. Out of the many things I could point out in this thread, not all women who look conventionally attractive are showy extroverts, you know. (And some who are, are masking or constantly putting on a performance.) Though maybe that's what people's eyes often gravitate toward; it's understandable. Late bloomers are a thing too. Not everyone actually peaks in high school or college, man or woman. (Despite RP cope propaganda lol.)
  6. I can't believe anyone here remembers all of this. What a trainwreck that was. A lot of the original people who were here either got booted or left of their own accord anyway.
  7. And when I choose to override all sense and pretense of bitterness and to dissolve these walls, to be open, to be positive, to be "easy to love" once again, to bring my most constructive energy to this world, to be wholly present...... know that it was a purely rational choice. Not because you compelled or inspired or pleaded for me to. Not because of anyone's "good intentions". Certainly not because someone else thought that I needed some sort of attitude adjustment to be palatable and presentable, for the privilege of being "ideal" once again.... least of all myself, as if had not had more than enough of that in my early life. Until then, may we pass some more time and entertain ourselves with judgement and conflict. And may I happily be absent from it all in any meaningful way to me personally, as much as possible.
  8. God, finish ridding me of all these people. Every single last one. I do not want them anywhere near me. Not in my space, not in my range of vision, not to see me and feel me, not to be seen and felt. Not truly. Not too much. Not for too long. Sever these overly personal ties and never look back. A blank slate for a new era. Let the openness between us and all things mean absolutely-nothing. Let it be a Pure Void. An utter vacuum. Let my name and presence be less than nothing in this world; I wish to have feet so light that I'm invisible. Let my memory in every single form and incarnation be wiped off the face of this Earth. Let me be forgotten. Let these words be the words of an unidentifiable stranger. If I could press a button and instantly make this happen, I would. Without a second thought. I would smile and bless it. They do not deserve me at my best and most pure. So instead I write all these other words, writing around in circles for what I would never bother to think as thoughts in my own mind otherwise. Thoughts vaguely in the shape of "blame": not to sink into and become that feeling myself, but to keep my walls up. A mere functionality. A screen door to keep the draftiness out. And so I cause myself pain indirectly but knowingly, and continue to refuse to share what might still be most beneficial and worth sharing. I could share myself... but "ick". How distasteful to continue to slip into the role of the martyr yet again when I didn't even want to read the casting notes for that role to start with. .....so my heart feels. So I can't help but tell myself. The walls mean survival and self-advocacy. I almost relish being judged for my "flaws" deeply and shoving them in people's faces, for muting myself and making myself shine less brightly, even if it's much more subtle these days, because then you don't know or see me. I deflect to remain unmolested in the ways I desire to not been seen, touched, or reached. I do not wish to attract and be in the company of thieves. So please. React to my facade. (Or better yet, do not see me at all.) The price of being like an adult as a child, and letting your family and sometimes the whole world heap their sins onto you, to inject their sins underneath your skin, until you make yourself want to vomit. You've become more like them. Once I accepted this as a necessary cost to understand the world and people as they are, now I reject it because I have seen and felt more than enough. In the end, every single last one of them is the same. No better or worse than my blood family. So I tell myself to move on with the business of living. (Which is precisely why I sorted things out with my birth family to the best of my ability when it never would have been my first choice to start with. Not right now, not in this order, and not with no other viable options.) They never bother showing up when you need them anyway; I have seen that truth and have not been able to unsee it. Which is why there is literally even nothing worth missing in their absence. They act as if they have the best of intentions but intentions are worth nothing on their own. They show up with their judgemental eyes, at times, daring to expose your weak and vulnerable spots to the world, when it is not their business to share or speak for your life story, your will, dreams, and desires. They don't know how their words and intentions and carelessness violate you just the same. They speak OVER YOU and they say that they speak for you... or as you! Why though? Why any of this? There is the part of me that craves validation and accepts this as "love" and "appreciation". Wow, you took the time to see me, or you can't help yourself. Thanks for that! On some level, the judgemental part of myself finds this pathetic, so I put up the walls. I choose to tell myself that in the end, they all are no better than your birth family. They were all liars... and thieves. They stole my inborn radiance and love and used it to furnish their own sense of "a life"... leaving me with what, exactly? And offering what in return, exactly? Good intentions? My birth family had good intentions too, apparently. And It is true enough. I could think and feel more positively about all these people. I could make other choices. That is entirely within my power... but why? Why should I, especially should I manage to not suffer for it? And if I should, should I not only do this purely on my own time to my own standard? (That could very well never be in this life.) Why? And if you don't miss me, good. It saves everyone some trouble, doesn't it? They either lied and justified their moral weakness to save themselves the fear and discomfort of seeing your pain, and what they did suffer, they did not need to be inconvenienced with you in any real way when it actually mattered. (Not that I ever wanted to be an inconvenience, but....) They could have made other choices other than to be absent, but they didn't. This whole time. They made their choices and now they're living with it, as you are. In the end, you survived all alone just the same without them. In spite of them all. And now they conveniently come around like the outcome of everything has been some sort of accident. Like cluelessness is some sort of meaningful excuse. No, you chose not to look. You had the luxury not to look. You had the luxury to be weak and call it goodwill. (Good for you. I guess I'm not like you.) For some reason, they make you responsible for their souls and their morality as if that's supposed to be some sort of compliment. All this tells me is that I have probably been of use to you once again. So glad to have been of service, and it seems I still am of service. So much for the family outside of my family. The pretense of loving or caring for me has always been worse than the open lack of it.
  9. No matter how far I go along, old stuff feels like dead weight. So I wipe the slate of memory and start, over and over again. The eternal is beyond memory.
  10. Both Jesus and the Buddha are very... mid-tier? They got the name, the image, and the reputation... that's it. There's probably at least 1000 nameless who do not parade around advertising themselves, who know how to not be seen, as their chosen purpose isn't to ""help people"" IRL, where you'd have to nerf yourself anyway. It's barely worth it. Not to mention that both of them were very much capped by the time periods that they were living in. More powerful, more perceptive, more radiant examples of human beings existed going back in time, also mostly nameless.
  11. Personally, I think this is acceptable as "thriftiness" rather than "cheapness" (the latter being a generosity issue). I grew up with thrifty parents, and it's something I'm more likely to suggest rather than my husband, lol. Not a big deal. Here is another issue. If he's not going to help you, is he at least going to explain how to do something "properly" in a non-condescending way? (Probably not, if he was going out of your way to criticize you for something which I assume has no real net-negative.) So then... he's just a critical person because he is. Is this good enough for you? Clearly, you can see that all dudes are this non-generous. Even if it's just helping some random woman with no likely direct benefit. Hell, I open the door for random people all the time. Men, elders, children, etc. Just curious, what are his best points, from your perspective?
  12. So there's a few other details: 1) being happy enough to scrum off you when it comes to going to more expensive places and for various expenses, even though he was making money and you were a student. If he was just against consumption and money wastage in general, he wouldn't be pro-taking your money when you could just save it and both not go out. He would be thinking of "us" or "you" and not just "him". Splitting 50/50 is just a reasonable starting point for modern dating. It might not even be his preference. Maybe he'd just prefer that you pay for everything. This isn't cute. Say that I don't have much money for gifts myself. Why would I be generous in other ways, like making homecooked meals from scratch, learning anything and everything about a person's preferences and desires and interests (including with physical affection and sexual touch) just to be treated in this way. (Only exception I can think of is that you have some sort of explicitly agreed upon mutual cheapness of time/ energy/ money, or some sort of casual/part-time relationship.) This is a good example of a "tit-for-tat" mentality.
  13. Among the many details and subtexts that I picked up on, I think this one here is the real kicker. I'm childfree, but everything about this on a gut level screams do not DO NOT have children with this person. There is no reason to assume that someone like this would treat his kids any better than his gf. Be prepared to pick up in a very unequal for everything, including in non-monetary ways. What evidence is there that he's particularly generous with the quality of his time, attention, and affection in other ways? Every little thing that he does for you seems like a big deal, like "tit for tat", and if you treat your relationships transactionally, a transactional quality relationship is what you're gonna get. You reap what you sow. Either that, or you'll get a woman who is either very inexperienced or has low self-esteem for whatever reason. Unfortunately, I suspect that a lot of people are counting on this, that you'll just take whatever you can get, which is whatever you think you deserve.
  14. Trauma is probably the number one factor for why we attract dysfunction into our lives and it "just happens" and it just "keeps happening" over and over. This, and cultural and upbringing factors that we take for granted by default. IMO it is quite cruel to hold it against girls and women for not having a good bullshit detector at a young age, since let's be real: when you're all complaining about women, you aren't talking about women who have lived long enough to have been burnt enough to have the experience to know what to actually look for. Once you get past generic filters, we don't necessarily have a lot of skills with dealing with what comes next. We get fed a bunch of bullshit as women too, you know. A lot of us have "good girl" problems too. We aren't taught much about how to deal with someone that we have some trust in already, and we tend to give more chances than are deserved to people who do not deserve it once we do trust, while yes, sometimes aggressively filtering out other people. We aren't taught about how to deal with successful manipulators, even though they work in patterns as well. We are often told that we should give these people a chance when we really shouldn't. Often we don't actually learn how to hone our gut instinct and intuition very well, or we argue against it for some reason or another. It can and actually should be able to protect us, IMO. Alternatively, some people are relatively sheltered (both men and women) so they have no skill with recognizing and dealing with people who take advantage of them, and sometimes people want to flirt with intrigue and "risk" on purpose. Extroversion is a separate factor. It seriously can't be much of a surprise that people who are open and perpetually put themselves out there have more opportunities because they go out of their way to get them, whether they are "moral" people or not? It's the case with women as well. Even if women aren't actively approaching, men still tend to gravitate toward "shiny" women by default, whatever it is that immediately catches your eye, and have trouble noticing the rest. Like a tunnel vision. At least at first, which is where social circles tend to come more into play. For what it's worth, a lifetime of observation says that it's not just about raw physical attributes as a woman, but also how you adorn and present yourself physically, and also attitude, confidence (but not offputtingly so!), warmth and openness, receptivity, "feminine" charisma, and also being in the right place at the right time There is the everything else that goes into being an "attractive woman". Y'all not meeting women who would rather go to the library or take part in some female-centric hobby like social dancing, right? I tend to be very careful about generalizing about EVERY SINGLE PERSON who goes partying and who doesn't, but do you really think a homebody feels comfortable and safe around the sorts of men you describe? (Though it can be true that opposites attract as well.)
  15. Is there anything physical that you enjoy doing which is also low-cost? (There are about a billion free workout videos of all sorts on Youtube, whether it's dance, yoga, pilates, calisthenics, hiit, etc.) I think someone else also mentioned walking. Do you live in a walkable area or near parks? Can you walk to do errands? (Because you do have errands to do, I assume?) All the physical stuff counts, not just the "on purpose" exercise. Likely throughout human history, we did not get most of our physical exercise through leisure physical activities, but through stuff we "had" to do, whether it was hunting, travelling on foot and on horseback, farming, fighting wars, doing domestic labour without modern appliances, etc. Human beings aren't really built to be sedentary and for this to make us as happy and healthy. The body NEEDS movement and challenge, not just for our long-term physical health, but for our mental and emotional health too. (Unless you are seriously ill and need to conserve energy, then what you actually need is proper rest.) It's natural enough to gravitate towards physical movement that you enjoy doing and to keep doing that, rather than arbitrarily forcing discipline on yourself and expecting it to stick. Though you may just have to "force" yourself to start one way or another, especially if nothing else works. Or tell yourself something like: I'll do this activity for a few minutes, if I don't like it, I'll stop. Then do this the next day, and then the day after, and on and on. Often the biggest challenge is just getting yourself started, and then everything gets easier from there. Do this long enough, and then BAM! You have a habit now. Unfortunately, the more you think and feel this way, the more you get more of the same. I've been in a sort of slump like this too for multiple points in my life. Lethargy extends to everything: physically, emotionally, mentally, energetically and spiritually. It doesn't get better by waiting for the perfect conditions to start doing the thing. What kind of comments are you looking for? I'm just taking a guess: do you find it difficult to function because you're not in a system like school/ university which forces you to manage your motivation because of external expectations? (e.g. deadlines, grades, teacher praise/ disapproval.) Is this something that you got used to having your whole life, this sense of external structure and security to regulate yourself?