3.5g APE Shrooms Trip Report - Insanity and Love

[michaelcycle00]

So let me preface this trip report by mentioning that I’m quite new to the Psychedelics world. I’m a 23 year old male who suffers from social anxiety, CPTSD, OCD, and mild depression. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts almost daily for the past few years. I have no friends, narcissistic parents, and am overall dissatisfied with life.

Long story short I first tried CBD:THC edibles about a month ago, didn’t help. The second time around I nearly had a panic attack. Bought some APE’s (Albino Penis Envy), tried microdosing them a few times but they only made me feel sadness, fear and desperation (basically just made me feel more of what I usually feel). My parents went out of town yesterday and I decided this was the moment I should take the remaining shrooms I had and hopefully actually feel something nice this time around. Bought 7g’s and had already gone through half of them so I took around 3.5 grams (I know, I know, I should use a scale) in the form of a banana smoothie that I made in a blender.

Anyway, onto the trip. 
 

It’s 8:55pm and I down the smoothie in like 30 seconds. I lay down on the couch in the living room and play some F1 mobile for like 10 minutes.

I quit the game and start browsing Reddit. I start feeling super anxious. About 30 minutes have passed since I drank the smoothie (or is the correct term milkshake?) and I’m feeling weird. I put the phone down and notice the walls are starting to breath. Finally I realize, Psychs do affect me after all. The lamp on the roof was off but it was breathing a bit more strangely. The flower painting on the wall is morphing exactly like Rorschach’s mask (Watchmen), it’s white with shadows. I’m still anxious. 5 minutes later I can see a sort of kaleidoscopic print on everything.

I close my eyes and I can see the moving kaleidoscope more clearly. After a little bit things start to get intense, aggressively so.

The whole palette of color a human is capable of seeing is shown to me with a lot of intensity. I’m starting to freak out because whatever this thing is is starting to turn its engine on and I can immediately tell it’s extremely powerful, it’s beyond me and what I would be able to handle completely. Fear starts to kick in for real because it’s showing me a sneak peek of its power sort of through insanity, it wasn’t being considerate of me at all. I was hearing some very loud pitched noise. It sounded like “weeeeeeee”.

I guess this is what you call the come up but it was very potent. I was extremely overwhelmed because this sort of imagination was just brute forcing itself on my experience and it was literally insane. The kaleidoscope, all the colors, some sort of fireworks that had the power of an atomic bomb just going crazy. Just a lot of stuff that was consuming me.

As I’m going through this I can sense some sort of clown in the vicinity but it was very blurry. It didn’t feel like an entity, just an image.

As it gets progressively stronger and scarier I start to sort of see behind the curtain, like what’s outside of this “physical” space I’m inhabiting. That shit really freaked me out. There were some sort of laser lines intertwined with this reality but they were genuinely frightening because I got the feeling that they were creating my life, this physical reality. It felt fake and very evil. I felt that they were scanning me but it also felt trapping. I couldn’t go further than this, I resisted it with all my might because it was extremely horrific, if I had stayed laying down there with my eyes closed I would’ve died… it would’ve consumed me. I try to stand up and walk, barely able to. Everything seems blocky, like it’s made out of Lego. I can still see the kaleidoscope over everything with my eyes open. It’s been about an hour and a half by now. I feel like throwing up, I do.

I’m still shaking and scared shitless because I can’t stop this thing. I’m just walking trying to ground myself. I go upstairs and lay down in my parents bed and immediately get up because that just takes me back to that intense hell fest. I keep walking for 20 or 30 minutes all the while telling the shrooms that I learned my lesson, to please stop this. That I should’ve been more respectful of the quantity. All the suicidal thoughts went out the window, I actually realized I really did not want to die. In fact I was willing to fight this manic existential thing with all my might just to not die. The truth is it could’ve just wiped me clean off existence like it’s nothing but I still didn’t give up. 
 

At last, I start feeling good. As I’m coming down I start feeling fuzzy and warm. I put some music on and start dancing. As I was dancing I realized I’m pure love. Like the thing that makes me move, the core of my being, is love. No, I did not experience infinite love, but I could still tell how everything was love. I even started hugging the walls.

I realized everything and everyone else is love too. For a brief moment even I realized how fear is a construction. It’s like the thing that covers up love. I felt as if love is scared of itself, and hides from itself through fear. I noticed that at the bottom of things there’s actually no distinction between anything, it’s all the same love manifested in a myriad of things. 
 

The biggest takeaway I got from this is that I can’t possibly give up on my life no matter what, that I’m not worthless and that I can improve if I want to. I realized I actually love myself way too much I couldn’t dare hurt me. Now I’m completely sober and I feel pretty much like I used to before but it helps having gotten that perspective. I was also able to remember all the happy moments and people I love in my life from many years ago with extreme detail. It was as if I was right there with them. I could almost feel them. 
 

The thing is I’m still scared of those lasers I saw intertwined with and holding my physical reality together. When that was going on, the thoughts that came to my mind were “Archons; prison planet” as silly as it may sound. I can’t quite get that out of my head. I actually don’t really wanna realize that reality is imaginary, it’s way too scary and I wanna live my life and not ruin it by seeing some existential shit I probably wasn’t supposed to. It’s literally like playing Russian roulette but there’s 2 chambers instead of 6.

All in all what do you guys think? I don’t think I ever wanna experience something like this again. Have any of you seen the stuff I did? I’m sure many of you have, maybe someone who has can help me make sense of those seemingly evil lasers? A part of me is still curious of what lies beyond, but I think it’s prudent to leave this stuff for good for a long long while. 

[Leo Gura]

That's a good trip, with many important lessons to contemplate.

Your dose was a bit high. You will have a much better time with 1.5-2 grams. Try that next time.

Don't worry, trips are not all the same. You will have much better trips in the future if you dose properly and as you get more comfortable with how trips work.

Evil lasers? Sure, you could dream up such a backdrop to reality. The key is to notice that you're dreaming these things. And in some sense you have control over what you dream on psychedelics. You could dream evil stuff or you could dream angels and positive stuff. Notice that it's your mind that's taking you to that evil space. You gotta get better at managing your mind and letting go of evil images.

Don't consume psychedelics with food. Take them on an empty stomach. They work better that way.

Next time, I suggest that rather than thinking about evil lasers and such, you focus your intention of self-inquiry. What am I? What is consciousness? What is love? What is truth? What is God? These are the serious questions. Focus your attention on that. You can also focus your attention on the beauty of consciousness. Practice visualizing these positive things before you trip. Set a positive intention and drill it into your mind. What is it you want from a trip? Clarify this for yourself before you trip. Do you want to be healed from your depression? Then make that your intention.

Don't give up after one bad trip. Just learn the lessons it showed you. One of the biggest lessons is to lower your dose and respect the power of CONSCIOUSNESS! Consciousness is no joke. It can skullfuck you real bad if you go overboard. So be humble. What bad trips do is they teach you the lesson of humility by beating you over the head. This is a very positive thing even though it doesn't feel good in the moment.

Edited October 29, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Osaid]

Why does the fact that there are lasers behind the scenes matter? Why is it more relevant than imagining that there is a physical reality behind the scenes? When you are eating vanilla ice cream, what does the knowledge of lasers have to do with the taste of vanilla? When you are eating vanilla ice cream, what does the knowledge that the ice cream is made of atoms have to do with the taste of vanilla? Do lasers hold the taste of vanilla together? Do atoms hold the taste of vanilla together?

You have not truly realized that reality is imaginary. You have replaced a previous belief with another belief, which has to do with lasers or whatever. If you realize that physicality is imaginary, that is fine, but then you are imagining another idea to take its place which says "I am imagining reality through lasers" or some such thing, which is just more imagination. You have not escaped imagination, you have just come up with a different form of imagination which you say is somehow more transcendent than the previous imagination.

Edited October 29, 2023 by Osaid

[Sir Oberon]

3.5 grams for a first-time is deep work.  You're very strong mentally to get over that peak as well as you did.  You did what you needed to do at that time. 

With more experience, you will learn that whatever happens, it will all be OK.  I would get the"Why the fuck am I doing this again" when I did 2gr, at times.  Depression seems to be the root of that for me. So I take stock of myself and try to go in with a clearer mind.  I don't have depression all that much anymore.

The laser lines are visions that you created, your imagination projecting back at you with a lot more force and that can be fearful, or blissful.  YOu can learn from bad trips, after the peak, when the " I'm going to be OK" settles in, then it can be so amazing going from "metaphysical angst", and then bliss.. 

That light within", love.  Nice. I think it has another source,  magical/mystical/alive ,. I take it as a contemplative expression.  Centering.

Edited October 29, 2023 by Sir Oberon

[Breakingthewall]

It is normal that there would be resistance and the feeling that if you let go completely you would die, what you have to achieve is to let go completely without fear. This can happen inevitably with a high dose, but it can be quite horrible, better to practice with low doses, little by little, and with a high frequency, weekly.

The goal for me is to release control completely, this dissolves the duality between subject and object, and all your energy is released. From what you said, you have a lot of blockage. the benefit you can get by doing this is enormous.

[Soul Flight]

Thanks for sharing. No such thing as a bad trip. I have had similar trips to yours. You gotta go through the ringer or the crucible. You came out the other side having passed through the fire.

You are lucky to know your flaws and your parents’ flaws. Knowing is half the battle.

In the movies there is a jumper on the ledge and the cocky cop tells him to go ahead and jump using reverse psychology and the jumper backs off the ledge. We distract ourselves with suicide and a woe is me attitude. But now our real core challenge will arise which we were avoiding by focusing  on suicide. So be prepared to do some work on yourself as new internal challenges arise. Always mourn for those who actually jump. 

The Greeks said the only way to live is to die before your death. So let your old self die and let your new self blossom.

At its core you saw life is meaningless or the lasers. You can be sad about this or ambrace it optimistically. We are free. We have nothing to lose. It is a silly absurd surreal world so have fun and enjoy.

 

Edited October 31, 2023 by Soul Flight

[Razard86]

I'm just happy your trip gave you a zest for life again. I'm also happy that you realize how powerful Consciousness is. The shit is INSANE ain't it? The most powerful thing ever, nuclear bombs are nothing compared to it. 

[Dauntment]

Oh my goodness, "I’ve been having suicidal thoughts almost daily for the past few years. I have no friends, narcissistic parents, and am overall dissatisfied with life." and to take psych anything more than a micro dose....alone?! Bold.

 

But to double/triple/quadruple down on the status quo: Have the HIGHEST respect for Consciousness.  You literally cannot imagine how "bad" (or Good, hopefully) Consciousness can get. A metaphor I like to use: Think of "daily human life" in between something like a fish tank or maybe a bath tub in terms of "volatility" of emotions. Now think of the ocean. The fucking OCEAN. (Though its still finite, not INFINITE)

[michaelcycle00]

@Leo Gura Yeah, I'll definitely take a lower dose next time.

Honestly after that experience, my respect for you has increased tenfold. I have no clue how you have the courage to confront *that* (whatever label you wanna put on it), and even more so trust that it won't kill you or just obliterate your mind and impair you for the rest of your life.

Describing it as "evil lasers" may sound dumb and funny but it's not at all. It's a bit hard to explain but they weren't normal lasers, not the kind you can just close your eyes and imagine. They were very energy-dense and like in a different dimension, like nothing I'd seen before. They almost seemed smart... and more real than what I see in day-to-day life. I can just faintly picture them. 

And yeah, this consciousness thing is no joke. I almost couldn't believe what I was experiencing. I could've never imagined how much effortless power it holds. As it was going batshit crazy giving me a taste of its power, aside from shaking in fear a recurring thought penetrated my mind over and over: "This is that which knows no bounds". It's unbelievable man, how does God not go crazy with so much power? And it was only increasing too, thankfully I was able to reduce it a little by getting very physical and throwing up. Seriously whoever is reading this unless you've personally experienced it believe me you have NO CLUE how insane it is. No matter how brave you think you are this thing will put you on your knees in less than a second.

I will take your word for it btw, I will not give up yet. I'm still very much curious about all the other things I'm yet to experience. I'll just take it lighter from now on. Also gonna set an actual intention now and be positive beforehand rather than just going "make me feel good". 

Edited October 31, 2023 by michaelcycle00

[michaelcycle00]

On 10/28/2023 at 5:39 PM, Osaid said:

You have not truly realized that reality is imaginary. You have replaced a previous belief with another belief, which has to do with lasers or whatever. If you realize that physicality is imaginary, that is fine, but then you are imagining another idea to take its place which says "I am imagining reality through lasers" or some such thing, which is just more imagination. You have not escaped imagination, you have just come up with a different form of imagination which you say is somehow more transcendent than the previous imagination.

But I literally said "I actually don't really wanna realize that reality is imaginary" so what are you going on about lol. Indeed I have not escaped imagination, I was extremely scared to. So much so that I was doing everything in my power not to go deeper and potentially ruin my life for good.

On 10/28/2023 at 7:30 PM, Sir Oberon said:

With more experience, you will learn that whatever happens, it will all be OK.  I would get the"Why the fuck am I doing this again" when I did 2gr, at times.  Depression seems to be the root of that for me. So I take stock of myself and try to go in with a clearer mind.  I don't have depression all that much anymore.

Thanks man, this puts me a little more at ease. I also kept going "why the fuck am I doing this again" every time I microdosed, which actually wasn't such a micro dose and I just ended up feeling worse. I hope the lasers are fake, but honestly they seemed very real, and I wasn't consciously deciding to imagine such a thing.

On 10/29/2023 at 4:55 AM, Breakingthewall said:

The goal for me is to release control completely, this dissolves the duality between subject and object, and all your energy is released. From what you said, you have a lot of blockage. the benefit you can get by doing this is enormous.

Yeah, it's just extremely hard. You never know if you'll come back, or even worse, if this infinite imagination thing will put you in hell for eternity. I've been held at gunpoint during the night before by 4 armed dudes and this was way scarier.

19 hours ago, Soul Flight said:

At its core you saw life is meaningless or the lasers. You can be sad about this or ambrace it optimistically. We are free. We have nothing to lose. It is a silly absurd surreal world so have fun and enjoy.

 

How do you? I just can't. Life takes effort, effort takes motivation. It doesn't quite work if you know for a fact everything is meaningless unless you're rich and don't need to work some crappy 9 to 5 to survive.

6 hours ago, Razard86 said:

I'm just happy your trip gave you a zest for life again. I'm also happy that you realize how powerful Consciousness is. The shit is INSANE ain't it? The most powerful thing ever, nuclear bombs are nothing compared to it. 

Thanks, sadly it's not a magic pill. I still think I would end myself if things got really bad. At that moment, feeling overrode logic. Now, I'm back as my usual self once again and logic overrides feel. And yes, consciousness is beyond insane. So much power, nothing like I'd ever seen before or could have ever imagined.

6 hours ago, Dauntment said:

and to take psych anything more than a micro dose....alone?! Bold.

I was dumb, 600-800mg doses didn't really do much besides making my senses and feelings way more acute, so I thought the worst that could happen with this dose was that I feel more depressed by the end of the trip. I couldn't have been more wrong. And believe me, I don't wanna imagine how bad consciousness can get it. Don't think I'd ever recover from that.

[Osaid]

51 minutes ago, michaelcycle00 said:

But I literally said "I actually don't really wanna realize that reality is imaginary" so what are you going on about lol. Indeed I have not escaped imagination, I was extremely scared to.

I might have worded that badly. I am just saying that the thing that you are scared of is just more imagination. It's not an actual transcendence of imagination that you're fearing. It's just another type of imagination to fear. As you said, you didn't actually "go all the way", so what you are fearing is simply another paradigm. It's the materialist paradigm being replaced by the laser paradigm, so to speak.

Anyways, I personally wouldn't get attached to any idea like "reality is imaginary" either, that might not even be what was being shown, and that is basically just a story as well. Don't get too attached to descriptions of reality, they are just descriptions.

My inquiry about vanilla ice cream was to ground you in your experience and highlight that whether you imagine lasers or physicality, at the end of the day, the perception of vanilla stays the same no matter what existential knowledge you have.

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, michaelcycle00 said:

Describing it as "evil lasers" may sound dumb and funny but it's not at all. It's a bit hard to explain but they weren't normal lasers, not the kind you can just close your eyes and imagine. They were very energy-dense and like in a different dimension, like nothing I'd seen before. They almost seemed smart... and more real than what I see in day-to-day life. I can just faintly picture them. 

I have seen dragons and demons. And weirder shit still. So I understand what you mean. Evil laser are possible for Consciousness to create. But you can also create beautiful positive things. Why aren't you focused on angelic lasers?

As I've said, God is madman. Trans-human dimensions of Consciousness aren't much different from insanity (from the human POV).

But be careful. Don't bite off more than you can chew. If you trip too deep you could seriously injure yourself. So keep your doses low and maintain careful observance of good protocol.

Edited October 31, 2023 by Leo Gura

[HMD]

@michaelcycle00 That’s courageous of you, my man. I think you handled it better than many. 

And out if curiosity I can’t help but ask a couple of questions. Do you have any meditation practice to keep your mind steady? What about your diet/exercise? Do you have stable friendships/relationships? Do you have a fixed sleep schedule? 

[Soul Flight]

4 hours ago, michaelcycle00 said:

How do you? I just can't. Life takes effort, effort takes motivation. It doesn't quite work if you know for a fact everything is meaningless unless you're rich and don't need to work some crappy 9 to 5 to survive.

Is the glass half full or half empty. Meaningless life is freeing if you can see it that way. It is our dharma. Our duty. Our burden. All is Maya. All is illusion. So money and our job are part of the fun and the game and the lesson. Keep looking. Surrender. Accept. It’s beautiful.

[Breakingthewall]

17 hours ago, michaelcycle00 said:

Yeah, it's just extremely hard. You never know if you'll come back, or even worse, if this infinite imagination thing will put you in hell for eternity. I've been held at gunpoint during the night before by 4 armed dudes and this was way scarier.

It's just your need for control. The goal of this is to release the control of the ego. It is an unreal, neurotic control. Reality is happening and the ego encapsulates it in mental flow and thinks it has reality under control, grasped. It is an illusion and only creates tension and suffering. You have to pour yourself into the now completely, flow without resisting, then life goes from being a horrible, tense, unpleasant serious shit to being a living dance full of joy. The effort Worth, if I were you I would keep going

[Pudgey]

@Leo Gura I'm probably the only human that has dabbled too far in the rabbit hole of evil consciousness on psychedelics. The issue here: At some point, God just wants to do it because why not, and what's stopping it? 

[Latham]

On 31/10/2023 at 5:40 AM, Leo Gura said:

But be careful. Don't bite off more than you can chew. If you trip too deep you could seriously injure yourself. So keep your doses low and maintain careful observance of good protocol.

Injure yourself in what ways?

[EmergentUniverse]

@Leo Gura Yes....I recently took a 3-month hiatus from psychs after experimenting with them intentionally (or at all) on a limited basis and only in the past year; my first and limited experiences were earlier in life, amounting to two separate occasions. 

     Recently, I took about 0.5-0.7 grams of some mushrooms I'd put very careful care into growing. This was my first experience of exclusively taking my own grow, in this case being Jedi Mind Fuck (JMF.)

     Roughly 0.5g of JMF paired with 10mg of indica edibles was my lot...with the expectation of falling asleep into any potential influence or slight "lift off."

RESULT:  Anything but subtle, and absolutely beautiful. It was late night, a blacked out room, total silence; I would have never imagined my experience resulting from what I've described. 95%-99% depends entirely on where you and your mind are at. 

[MsNobody]

@michaelcycle00 Albinos are very strong, even is low doses. 

I'm sorry about your current situation Michael, psychedelics tend to reveal our minds and if we are in a bad place mentally they tend to show all sorts of things. It's a pandora box. I noticed that you described yourself with a lot of labels, social anxiety OCD etc. Be mindful that those labels were created by men, the pharmaceutic industry and society benefit a lot when you take those labels for yourself, they are extremely disempowering. Drop them and see that the feelings of sadness and anxiety are all part of life, we are here to experience the full spectrum of emotions, picking and choosing which ones we want to feel is what creates suffering.  There is nothing wrong with you, you are a human having a human experience, feeling human emotions, maybe you don't have depression, maybe you are just going through a difficult phase, it's completely normal. When the whole society is sick it's good to contemplate beyond ourselves, our environment etc.

Like Jiddu Krishnamurti said "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society". Any healthy person would feel what you are feeling. I've been given so many labels, depression, generalized anxiety, ADHD etc. The more labels the more I enjoy it. It shows me I'm not adapting to this shit show.

I've seen many ugly things on ayahuasca, body parts, vulgar things, evil witchy stuff. I just observe them, no judgements, it's the mind of god. You are unclogging the pipe, the first experiences will be dark, then it becomes better, you uncover the essence of your soul, once you meet who you really are you wont' have any more questions about your divinity. It's easy to recognize the divine when everything is happy and beautiful, but it's more difficult to recognize in its dark face. It's easy to embrace our good qualities, but it's difficult to accept our flaws. This work you are doing is a path for wholeness.

Focus on your breathing, it's the best way to disconnect from the unconsciousness of the collective. 

Mushrooms will take you under earth, and they are very mind twisting. For me they are often dark, so I enter the experience aware that I will be doing shadow work. If you want something more loving and supportive I would suggest ayahuasca, not by yourself of course. LSD trips tend to be better for me too, more extraverted and creative. Creativity is the best medicine for depression, it gives a more broaden and colorful perspective on life and its infinite possibilities. 

About your parents, they are not narcissistic people, they are highly traumatized individuals. Once you give attention to your inner child you will see them as they are, just two humans struggling to go through life. To heal yourself you need to be away from them, but everything in its divine time. 

Sending you love.

 

 

[Pudgey]

@Latham You can become so conscious that your body is nothing but a bodybag filled with blood and flesh that you want to burn your entire body alive because you are infinity and need a way out. 

Edited November 3, 2023 by Pudgey